Help Me Tell Him No (1 of 1)

(A/N: Inspired by and used Lyrics from "Ten Thousand Angels" (Mindy McCready) Song lyrics and sound clip, here: http://www.livejournal.com/users/virtualpersonal/44028.html#cutid1)


The Hyperion was as quiet as a mausoleum. Angel’s face went hard and expressionless. “I understand,” he said, hanging up and striding out of the lobby.

Wes rubbed his eyes. “It may be for the better in the long run.”

“Buffy staying in Rome? Hell yeah,” Xander gave a vigorous nod. “Buffy away from dead boy is always better. Where’s Spike?”

“Off doing whatever it is he does. He never feels the need to explain until he’s in hot water, does he?”

Xander cracked a smile. “No.” They’d grown closer, he and the blond vamp. Odd but true. And once he’d faced the fact that he might have a crush on the vampire, Spike had seemed to sense it. Teasing him. Coming on to him. Even asking him out. One of these days, he’d definitely say yes.

“Apart from the Angelus factor, I was talking about the human factor.”

“Huh?” Xander blinked. “What? What human factor.”

“The obvious one. Buffy is human.”

“If you’re being profound ... I’m like lost.”“

Wes shook his head. “Even if she continues to beat the odds and lives long enough to grow old, well.... it’s quite obvious, isn’t it? She’ll grow old, and he won’t.”

“So? Oh...” He’d just seen that old movie, The Hunger. It had been a weird flick, but now... the image of the perfectly unlined face of the vampire and her lover who grew ancient and went bald and gray, suddenly had new meaning. His musings were interrupted by a drawl he knew so well.

“‘Lo, whelp. You ready, then?”

“R...ready for what?” Xander shrank away when Spike walked over and towered over him.

“Get up. I’m going to show you some of the sights, yeah?”

Xander bit his lip. No. Vampire and human. It could never work.


* * *

“More beer down here!”

Xander blinked away the memory. The memory of the very minute he’d decided there could never be anything between him and Spike. Even if just the sight of the vampire was enough to send his heart thundering. Even if his eyes held promises of things Xander could only dream of. He had to put Spike behind him. If only the vampire would let him.

Pouring two drafts, Xander shoved the beer mugs down the length of the bar into waiting hands. It was a busy night. People were keeping the juke box nice and fed, and there was dancing going on in one corner of the industrial looking bar. Pocketing a tip, he went to serve the next person.

He’d left Angel Investigations a year ago. Went around, from job to job. Always trying to find a way to avoid Spike. But Spike was Spike. He never let anything rest. He cajoled, and bullied, and fuck... he sometimes won the battle, dragging him into a kiss. Muttering poetry. Flowery lines Xander’s mind didn’t understand, but his heart did.

After bouncing around, he’d finally found a niche. A cheap old warehouse space, very near an up and coming area of Los Angeles. He’d rented the place, and fixed it up with own hands. His finishing touch had been the name of the bar. “Escape.” But it gave him none. Not from a certain pair of blue eyes that could melt ice into a puddle.

“I’m not ice, I’m not ice,” Xander muttered to himself. Ever since Spike had started dropping into the bar, Xander had taken to praying. Praying for the will to say no. To resist. Every time the vampire talked to him, dropping his voice an octave, probably knowing how it affected him, Xander would call on the angels. To close his ears. To make it stop. And when Spike touched him, his body would go into over drive. And sometimes... sometimes he was drawn into a dance, and he never wanted to leave those arms. Everytime he tore himself away from the vampire, he was convinced it was the angels who pulled him back, who helped him fight the temptation to give in.

Loading a tray up with beers, he went around the bar to serve a table. It was late. Though it was still busy, once it got close to the liquor cut-off hour, people would start leaving in droves. Until then... he’d be dealing with idiots like the ones who’d tipped him just a dollar.

“Yo... big spenders here, aren’t you?” He put another drink down on the table.

“Yeah well, we like Sarah a lot better. You don’t have the ... right equipment.”

He gave a good natured laugh. They might be idiots, but they were his idiots... his clients. “Don’t knock it till you’ve seen it,” he gave the guy a wink, and laughed harder when the guy’s friends gave him shit.

“Man... I’ll give you a tip just to make you go away.”

Xander snagged the ten bucks out of the guy’s hand before he had a chance to demand change, and walked back to the bar.

“Yo boss, your admirer’s not here tonight.” Sarah pointed out, as she waited for the other bar tender to make her drinks.

“Well yours are here, I just...”

“Whoa, speak of the devil in dark leather and all. Holy shit, he’s hawt...”

Xander turned his head. “Fuck...”

“Oh yeah. Anytime, anywhere, any–“

He gave her a nudge, “that table needs to get its orders taken.”

“Hey, you keep turning him down...” she gave him a knowing grin and walked away, hips swaying.

Xander looked across to the corner of the bar where he knew Spike would take up residence. When their gazes locked, his heart lurched. Hot was an understatement. Blond hair gleamed like silver under the light. The unbuttoned black shirt contrasted sharply with alabaster skin and fit so tight, Xander couldn’t help imagining how the vampire’s smooth skin stretched taut over rippling muscles. And no one on this earth could wear leather pants like Spike could. And the vampire knew it. By that smirk of his, he also knew exactly what thoughts were running through Xander’s mind.

Closing his eye against temptation, Xander sent out a prayer to the angels. By the look of things, he’d need them tonight. Thousands of them, to help him say no. To walk out that door and away from the ageless immortal.

Spike pulled out a smoke. Non-smoking laws didn’t apply to him, did they? He waited until Xander opened his eye. Meeting his gaze, he blew a smoke circle. Then another. Then he flicked his tongue across his mouth, wetting his lips. Aware that his motions mesmerized Xander. The pulse at the boy’s throat was out of control and jumping, and it wouldn’t stop.... not as long as he sat here. But why did he continue to resist? He crooked a finger at Xander.

Xander pulled his gaze away. “Fuck...fuck... fuck,” he muttered under his breath as he worked the opposite end of the bar. He felt the weight of the vampire’s gaze, stroking him, his back, his throat. Oh God, he just knew that if he turned, he’d see stark desire in the blue eyes.

The rest of the night was a haze. He sloshed beer here and there by mistake, broke a glass or two. Damn him, Spike had him all jittery and nervous. Unable to help himself, he finally gave in and turned to look at the vampire. The corner spot at the bar was empty. Xander’s gut twisted as he felt a tap on his shoulder. “Spike,” he groaned.

“Dance?”

“No, I...can’t ...” he turned and looked miserable.

“Oh come on boss, place is closing down, give the guy a dance,” Sarah said, shoving Xander into Spike.

“Yeah... all he’s asking for is a dance.” It was like a small chorus, the remaining bar workers and a few patrons, pushing Xander, urging him to say yes.

That was the problem. Couldn’t they all see Spike was asking him for much more than a dance? And he was the one who was blind in one eye...

“Say yes,” Spike took Xander’s hand and rubbed the pad of his thumb across his palm. “You know you want to.”

Wordless, Xander allowed himself to get dragged to the center of the room and into Spike’s arms. Someone started the music up, a slow haunting song. Vaguely, he was conscious of the fact that some of the lights were turned off as people left the bar. Heart beating against his ribs, he tried not to lean into the vampire, tried to keep just a bit of distance between them. But Spike was having none of that.

One leather clad knee slid against his jeans, and Spike’s leg was firmly jammed between his own. Spike shifted his weight slightly, and now Xander’s leg was trapped between Spike’s.

Xander’s throat constricted, making it hard to swallow as he swayed to the music, engulfed by Spike. His arms, his legs, God even his scent enveloped him, made him yearn for things that couldn’t be. Shouldn’t be. He wanted to pull away, but he couldn’t with Spike’s arm banded around him, molding him against the vampire’s hard frame. With every slide of their bodies against each other, heat pooled low in Xander’s abdomen.

The predatory gleam in Spike’s eyes scared him. Just as he was about to voice his qualms, Spike dipped his head forward, grazing his teeth along the Xander’s jawline, and then flicking his tongue over his pulse point at the base of his throat. Xander held his breath, shock rippling through him as the vampires mouth settled on the spot, sucking lightly.

“Your pulse is out of control,” Spike drawled.

“I... that’s what happens when I’m angry. I didn’t wanna dance...”

“Your heart beat like this when you’re angry?”

“Yeah...” That tongue, it flicked across the sensitive skin of his throat again. Xander fought for his sanity.

“What about this... is this a sign of anger?” Spike’s hands slid between their bodies, and cupped Xander’s arousal.

“Spike!” Xander futilely tried to wrench free of the vampire. “You said d...dance. St... stop that.” There were only two people left, but he didn’t want to make a scene.

“Why?” He slid his hand between their bodies and rubbed his thumb across Xander’s length, kissed him on the inside of his ear. “Tell me why. Give me a reason to stop.”

Xander jerked against Spike’s hand, vibrations shaking him to the core. A slight groan escaped him. He wanted to cry. “Please stop.”

The instant Spike removed his hand, an ache replaced it. He hurt everywhere. In his groin. In all the places their bodies touched. But mostly, his heart hurt. “I have to go,” he whispered thickly.

“You promised me a dance.” Spike didn’t allow any space between them. “I’m having a dance, and I’m taking this...” Leaning forward, he kissed Xander. When the boy opened his mouth to protest, Spike delved his tongue inside. Thrusting it in and out in strokes that built the heat between them, that had Xander involuntarily rubbing up against Spike with the same rhythm.

By the time the song ended, Xander was out of breath and so hot, he thought he was going to have a melt down. “Okay. Dance over. Now ... g ... go.” He nodded, urging the vampire to do as he said.

“That’s not what you really want me to do.”

“Yes... it is, Spike...” Xander pulled away to no avail.

“Liar. You want me. As much as I want you,” there was heat in Spike eyes, heat in the way his hands groped Xander’s backside, molding him closer, proving he knew he was right. “What is it, what is it that’s stopping you?”

“Music’s over...dance is over...”

“Is it because I’m a vampire, still not over your bigotry? The soul doesn’t mean a bloody thing?”

The blood drained from Xander’s face. “No, you know that’s not true.”

“You hate me still?”

“No, I don’t hate you.” Xander’s voice dropped, thickened. “I don’t think I ever really hated you.”

That did it for Spike. He wouldn’t let it rest. Not this time. “You love me.”

“Yes... no... no I don’t,” Xander shook his head, “I don’t Spike.”

“But I do. Do you hear me whelp, I love you.”

Xander found himself on the verge of tears again. “No you can’t... you should love Angel. You and he...”

“What?” When Xander looked away, Spike gripped his chin and force his face back. “I’ve let you hide from me too long. It was a mistake. Now its only you and me here,” he said, pointing out that they were left alone. “And I’m not leaving, not until I get to the bottom of this.”

He released Xander, and walked around the bar, pouring two drinks. Without looking, he knew Xander was eyeing the door. “Neither are you. So don’t even try.”

Where were the angels who were supposed to walk him out the door? Xander sat on a barstool and scrubbed his face with his hand. “There isn’t much to say. We’re just... just incompatible.”

“Really? I thought we did a fine job of fitting together. In fact, if you get up, I’ll show you ten other ways we can fit together ... drink,” he nudged Xander’s hand.

Xander felt the heat steal over his cheeks. Lifting the shot glass, he knocked it back. By the time he put it back on the bar, Spike was refilling it. “You trying to get me drunk?”

“Just making you comfortable in case we have a long wait. I have all the time in the world.”

Xander’s gut wrenched. Time.

The vampire swirled the amber liquid in his glass. “Tick, tock, tick, tock...”

Biting his lip, Xander held his silence.

“So you see me and Angle together then. You’ve decided to be blind to Angel’s love for Buffy, and the fact that despite all our history, we’ve still not shacked up... that doesn’t give you a clue about ...” He smacked the back of Xander’s head. “... you listening?”

“Ow! Y..yes, and no, I don’t see you together Just saying, would be a good... you know match.”

“Why.”

“Because... like you said, you have history. And time. And... and you can do all sorts of vampire things together...”

Spike raised an eyebrow. “Go on.”

“There’s nothing more to say. You and I, we’re just different. You don’t cross a tree with a flower, do you?”

“You calling me a pansy?” There was a warning in Spike’s voice.

“Or... or an elephant with a cat...”

“Back to I’m a vampire.” Spike went completely still, eyes trained on Xander.

“Yes..., yes dammit, you’re a vampire. Alright... you’re a vampire. Look at you!” Xander got up and approached Spike. The wary look that entered Spike’s eyes for the first time that night ate at Xander. “I... I don’t mean it the way you think. But look at you,” he skimmed his palm across Spike’s cheek. “So perfect today...” he bit his lip at the way Spike pressed his cheek into his hand. “Smooth. Always and forever.”

“Are you recapping the history of vampires or is there a point to this,” he said gruffly, knowing he was on the cusp of finding out what was the problem. He gripped Xander’s wrist, preventing him from taking it away.

“That is the point, Spike. I’m not a vampire. I’m going to get older, fatter, grayer... one day I’ll look in the mirror and see my father... then my grandfather. And you’ll still be... beautiful,” he ended in a hushed whisper, and wrist still trapped, lowered himself down onto a stool.

“You want more than today with me, or you wouldn’t be worrying about that.”

“Yes.” Another hushed whisper. “But–“

Spike put his hand over Xander’ mouth. “Shshsh. No buts. You want me, I want you... stop making problems...”

Xander pulled away. “I’m not being silly, stop making it seem that way. Your just... you’re not looking ahead. Did you hear what I said Spike, you’ll be young, I’ll be old. What kind of future is that? For you... you won’t want to be with an old guy... for me, I’ll be jealous all the time, I’ll... I’ll live in my past, because the future will just get worse, and every time a young guy or girl passes... I can’t live like that. I just can’t!”

“I could die tomorrow, get dusted. We could be together ten years, and then I could get dusted...”

“Oh my God, I don’t want that to happen, are you cra ...” Xander shook his head. “Look Spike, I’ve thought about this. More than you know. And I always come back to it... there is no way it can work.”

“It can work. I can make it.” Spike leaned over and kissed him, “I made it work with Dru, don’t tell me I can’t make it work with a human. So you grow old, so bloody what? I’ll call you pops...”

“Pops...that SO went out with the fifties...”

“And then I’ll bloody well kiss you in front of all of them... the world... give ‘em a bit of a shock...”

Xander flashed on the movie. The Hunger. Okay, that was an exaggeration. David Bowie had aged and shriveled up over night. But still... “I can’t do that to you. I can’t do that to me. Go Spike. I’ve told you what the problem is, and you can’t fix it. No one can. So just go. Better for us both,” he walked to the door and held it open. “I mean it.”

Spike tossed some change on the table. “For the drink, yeah?”

“Spike...” Xander bit his lip as the vampire strode out into the night. Shutting the door behind him, he flipped the sign over to indicated the bar was closed.

Taking the change Spike left, he plopped it into the ancient jukebox, and blindly pressed a button, wiping at his stinging eyes. Then he grabbed a couple of towels and started wiping down the bar top, rubbing so hard it shone.

Speaking of the devil,
Look who just walked in.
He knows just where to find me,
Here we go again.
I can tell he's gonna ask me to dance,But that's not as far as he wants to go.
I need ten thousand angels,
To help me tell him no

“It’ll take a lot more angels than that,” a clipped voice ground out. Strong arms encircling Xander from behind, then turned him around.

“S...Spike! Can’t you read the sign!”

“Those tears, are they for me, or for you.”

Xander wiped at them. “They’re from the dust. Look, we did this already, I can’t do it again...”

“You want me to go?”

“Yes.”

“Because you want to spare me the heartache later.”

“Yes.” Xander’s shoulders started to shake as he tried to keep from crying. He’d done it plenty of times before, but he had to wait until he was alone.

“And yourself, you want to spare yourself heartache later.”

“Yes.”

“Years from now, at least twenty or thirty years from now...”

“Yes,” Xander sniffed, and met Spike’s gaze. Maybe he understood now.

“What about now.”

“What?”

“Is your heart aching? Is it breaking? Is mine?” He gripped Xander’s hand and put it over his heart. It might have stopped beating a long time ago, but it still had feeling in it.
“Yes... yes,” Xander rasped, his voice husky and strained. “And yes.”

Spike pulled him into his arms. “Then there’s heartache either way, right? Now, or later... not that I’m agreeing it will be there later, but that’s the worst case scenario. Pain now, or pain later. So why are you choosing now, why not put it off until later.”

Xander sobbed quietly into Spike’s shoulder, holding him so tight that it might have been painful to a human. “I don’t know.”

“Well I bloody well do know. Look at me,” he cupped Xander’s face, and wiped away the tears. “I don’t have to be a rocket scientist of a mathematician to figure out this equation. It’s the same... you’re not saving anything by putting off the future. So trust me. Let me show you you’re wrong. And if you’re not, then... Then we face the pain together when it comes.”

It made sense. In a strange way, it did. Or was it just Spike’s closeness. That always made it harder for Xander to think. And they were close. Very very close. And he had just had two shots back to back, and... and Spike was waiting for an answer.

“Well? What will it be, then? Will you dance with me until we are done.”

Though the vampire’s tone and stance was proud and sure, Xander saw through the facade. Spike was hurting. Spike was praying. Maybe to the same angels Xander had called on. Spike had as much to lose as Xander. It wasn’t a game. It wasn’t about showing off his prowess, or winning. It was about life. Theirs.

Xander licked his lips. “Yes.” His heart surged.

“Yes what?” Spike stood stock still, wanting to be clear on the answer.

“Yes... I want to dance, and no... I won’t be needing the angels after all.” Gripped in a sudden bear hug, Xander was swung around in a circle. “Spiiiike!”

When Spike set him down, they laughed, and kissed and laughed some more. “So whose place will it be, yours or mine?”

“Spike, you have a one track mind.”

“Yes. You have a problem with that?”

“No.”

“So what’ll it be?”

Xander gave a shy smile. “I don’t know... I always thought it might be interesting if ...” he looked at the bar.

“Right, your place then.” Dragging Xander with him, Spike dropped some coins into the jukebox, and pulled Xander into his arms. “Now where were we? Oh yes..”

Xander yelped at the shock of a cold hand jammed inside his pants. “Ah...”

“No point in starting all over, is there.” Sliding his knee between Xander’s, Spike brought their mouths together. By the end of this song, he’d have the object of his desire... his love... naked and on that bar, with or without the help of the ten thousand angels that song was going on about.