Becoming

Chapter 9
Denial and Desire


“Come again? I’m pretty sure I just heard you call me a vampire” Xander demanded whilst struggling to pull himself upright in Spike’s lap. “Not a vampire like us luv, but still essentially a vampire”. Xander was starting to get angry, no-one had said anything about becoming a vampire, immortal sure but long standing allergy to sunlight, garlic and holy items no sir! “Explain to me what exactly ‘essentially a vampire’ entails please” he demanded, finally wriggling free of Spike’s embrace and sitting squished between the two vampires on the couch. Looking at Spike he was stunned to see tears glistening in those incredibly blue eyes and his heart broke just a little “Oh Spike, please baby don’t cry. I’m not mad it’s just I’m scared and when I’m scared I bitch” he pleaded as he wiped a lone tear away from Spike’s sculpted cheek.


“Xan-pet, m’so sorry. I had no idea this would happen, you need to believe that. I never for one minute imagined you were anything more than human” that stopped Xander cold, “what do you mean more than human?” he asked, his voice sounding not at all like his own, it sounded cold and devoid of emotion. “Actually Xander, what Spike should be saying is that you are so human that in fact you are different to other humans” raising his hand to ward off Xander’s angry outburst he was about to release “Xander, you remember the mayor?” this was such a chance of subject that Xander answered automatically “of course I do, crazy guy, wanted to ascend to become a pure demon right?” “right” Angel nodded encouragingly “in the same way that there are pure demons, all be it not in this dimension anymore, there were also millennia ago pure humans and over the centuries they like demons have become, diluted I suppose you could say. Demons have become more and more humanised, not all of them admittedly but take vampires for example. There is a kind of vampire that is legend amongst us, the Turok-han. They are said to be closest to what we originated from. They have no human face, they look a bit like the master but if you can imagine it more feral looking. They are said to be almost impossible to kill, a normal wooden stake won’t do it. Of course take their head or trap them in sunlight and their as dead as the next one of us but still, they are fearsome. I always thought they were a story, told to scare young Childer into doing what their Sire’s said” Spike despite the severity of the moment couldn’t help but interject “Oi ya bloody ponce! You bloody well terrified me when I was first turned with those stories, said that the Master had one that he kept locked up in a dungeon so well fortified that not even the Turok-han could escape. You told me when I killed that annoying army bloke that you were gonna send me to the master as an appetiser for his pet” Spike’s indignant tone was enough to raise a smile on both Angel and Xander’s otherwise weary faces. “Yes I remember well, and that ‘army bloke’ as you put it was someone in Napoleon’s inner circle that I had been seducing for months and had just about convinced him to betray France’s plans for their invasion if you remember? Their invasion of England? Your home country, the mother land? ‘Angelus, we can’t just watch the bloody French invade England, s’not patriotic! Please, please can’t we do something? Let’s just kill that ponce Napoleon or something!’” Angel again attempted to mimic Spike’s accent with disastrous yet hilarious results.


Quickly sobering Angel continued “as I was saying, there are legends of demons that remain close to their purest form, I believe that the Turok-han are in fact real but the fact is that there are no pure demons on Earth any more. The same was always thought about pure humans. Over time humans too have become polluted with the essence of evil, through exposure to demons and dark magics, despite humans possessing a soul they are capable of unspeakable acts of evil, more terrible really that any demon that walked the earth. Look at WWII, acts of genocide that still occur even now in the Third World despite media coverage, murderers and rapists freed after months in jails” as Angel spoke his tone got bleaker and bleaker at the bitter reminder that he fought so hard to save humanity yet sometimes could not help question why he bothered, a gentle hand laid on his brought him out of his dark thoughts “yet still, many humans display incredible acts of bravery and selflessness” Spike spoke softly and Angel nodded gratefully, “yes, yes you’re right, and as I was saying before all this humans were pure, beings of innocence, unsullied and guiltless. I had never heard of them until we met them” “Antoinette and Philippe” Spike sighed.


And so between them Angel and Spike told Xander the tale of Philippe, a French vampire they had met in the late 17th century and his human consort Antoinette. Antoinette had been beautiful and ruthless, born into a noble family yet plunged into near destitution at the early death of her father. Forced to seek employment as a lady in waiting or something similar she had ended up working in one of the houses Philippe owned and had gifted to one of his human wards. Angel had explained that many vampires in those days had taken human wards, people of great beauty or talent, artisans who would later become influential and could help their vampire guardian move in the most influential circles in the land. Xander calmed throughout the tale, it was like being read a bedtime story, a fairy story where things were so markedly different to modern times that it was easy to forget that this was fact not fiction. They told how Philippe had called to the property one evening to dine with his ward, a beautiful soprano singer who was destined with Philippe’s money and her talent to become a legend, however he had been enraptured by the dark haired girl who had served as his ward’s lady in waiting. He investigated and discovered her circumstances, he followed her from a distance and watched as she captivated all who knew her. She had many suitors and he dreaded the day when she would accept one of them yet the day never came.


One night he followed her as she hurried back from running a late errand for her mistress, she had it seemed developed a headache, the night before her big debut. Antoinette had made acquaintances in the town and knew of a herb woman, a wicca in reality, who made poultices that could cure even the most stubborn of headaches and so she had run there and had hoped to be back before dawn. Angel with the advantage of vampire memory painted an image in Xander’s head, a beautiful young woman in great skirts dashing down dark cobbled alleyways to reach the safety of her mistress’s home, the pale vampire following her progress from the rooftops. Angel told how she had come upon a man beating a young girl, his daughter whom he had forced into prostitution and had been used but not paid by a brutal man. Phillipe had been stunned as Antoinette, despite the fear that he could smell in her scent from yards away had approached the man and in a steady tone told him to cease and desist that very minute. The man approached her and made to strike her, Angel said Philippe had been prepared to spring from hiding, ready to betray his secret of what he was in order to save the girl he had fallen in love with. However she had surprised him and withdrawing a thin and deadly blade from her sleeves she had told the man in a steady voice to remove himself from her presence and never trouble her again.


Philippe had been delighted, not only was the woman beautiful and intelligent but also courageous and ruthless, he had watched her straighten her hair, smooth down her skirts and secret the knife back into the cover of her sleeve before kneeling beside the girl and helping her to her feet. She had passed the girl some money and sent her to a local inn to seek shelter. Philippe had watched the girl leave before dropping silently to the ground behind her. He had made his footsteps audible at once in order not to startle her. She had of course been startled anyway and spun to face this new potential threat. Angel said that Philippe had been amazed when upon recognising him she had at once expressed pleasure at seeing him and there had been no fear at all in her scent. Antoinette had allowed Philippe to escort her for the remainder of her journey and invited him in whilst she saw to her mistress and checked if she was in a mind to accept visitors. Her mistress had unfortunately worsened in her absence and had offered her regrets to Philippe that she would be unable to see him for a nightcap. Antoinette had conveyed her mistresses apologies and Philippe had taken the bold move of asking Antoinette if she would care to join him for a drink in her mistresses absence, she had agreed and they had sat in the parlour and talked until it was almost dawn.


As dawn threatened Philippe had been torn, on the one hand he could not stand to tear himself away from the captivating woman he had come to know but on the other he would soon be trapped by the sun and there were no convenient sewers to assist him in a journey across town to his resting place. At that moment Antoinette had stunned him like nothing else in his very long life to date “Monsieur, I know you are unable to leave when the sun rises, if you wish you can remain in my room. My mistress has to leave early for her performance today and I am not to accompany her. Once I have assisted her in getting ready to leave my day is my leisure. And I truly wish to spend it with you.” Angel spoke the words Antoinette had spoken and it was like it had broken a spell “she knew then?” Xander gasped, “she knew he was a vampire and she had invited him in to the house and then to her bedroom?”. Angel grinned as though Xander’s outrage was understandable in this modern age of one-night stands and casual sex. “Yes Xander, I told you that Antoinette was special, she had to have been to capture and hold the interest of one like Philippe, he was old when I was young Xander. He thought he had seen all the world had to offer and yet here was this incredible mortal, unconventional and unafraid of what he was”, “so?.. did he stay?” Xander queried, reclining back to a more relaxed position and subconsciously entwining his fingers with Spike’s. “Yes, he stayed that day and that night he took her away from her mistress and installed her in his own home as his beloved”


“So what does this have to do with me? With what I am?” Xander asked “don’t get me wrong it’s a beautiful story but asides from the fact that she was mortal and fell in love with a vampire I’m failing to see the similarities” Angel sighed “they took a little longer than you and Spike but eventually they completed the consort ritual that you and Spike have done tonight and became two beings wed as one. At first nothing changed, you know of course that the ritual requires blood to be taken from the consort by both their claiming vampire and their Sire or one of their line. Philippe in his underestimation of Antoinette however assumed that the one time would be the last, he did not see Antoinette as food and therefore would never have presumed to take her blood again. Antoinette however as I have said was something special, one night she slit her wrist shallowly on purpose in front of Philippe and tempted him to take from her. It led to what Philippe described as the passionate and indescribable lovemaking he had experienced in over 400 years. From that night on it became almost the norm for them, one night however in the midst of passion Antoinette bit Philippe and that was when it happened...”


“What? What happened? For the love of God Angel spit it out” Xander exclaimed, the story had affected him considerably, on the one hand he was terrified but on the other he was incredibly turned on. The similarities between Philippe and his Antoinette and him and Spike were apparent and the idea of him and Spike continuing to explore each other in the way that Philippe and Antoinette had was intoxicating. He pressed back against Spike and was pleased to feel his hardness snug against his back, at least he wasn’t the only one affected.
“She changed, Xander. She was a pure human and she changed when she took Philippe’s blood. In the exact same way that you have. You are a pure human Xander, untouched by evil in any way, a pure soul and I should have seen it and I didn’t” Angel finished with a tone of self loathing, as though he blamed himself for what had happened.
Spike heard the tone too and rushed to reassure Angel, “S’not your fault is it Angel? S’more mine than anyone else’s, you’ve tasted his blood once and were never that close when you were living here in Sunnyhell. Me and Xan well I’ve been closer to him these last few months that he’s known and I’ve tasted his blood three times now and I never noticed anything. If anyone’s to blame here it’s me.” Xander tried to reassure both of them but without knowing exactly what was happening it was hard to “Look guys, it’s no-ones responsibility to know what I am or could be or well you get the point. I mean, it’s not like I’m going to go round killing people right? I mean you guys can stop me and we can get Willow or Tara to stick my soul back in, come to think of it I’m not feeling particularly bloodthirsty or evil at the moment, does it take time to start or what?” Xander’s nervousness was as usual causing babbling and he forced himself to shut up whilst he waited for them to answer some of his rapid fire questions.


“Xan-pet, Antoinette didn’t turn into a vampire like Philippe or us, she was and you are still human and in full possession of your soul” Spike explained softly, “Oh so, what I just drink blood now? I mean that’s gross and everything but I can deal with that” Xander was still trying to see why this was such a bad thing, I mean if he was human then surely he could still go outside in the sun and stuff right? And if not, well sleeping during the day and having all night with Spike didn’t seem like such a hardship. He could get a job working nights somewhere, it wasn’t the end of the world, maybe he’d be stronger now and be more use to Buffy. Xander turned to the two still silent vampires and finally lost his temper “OK, I know I’m probably missing something big here because you two are like silent, brooding guys and I can’t see what the issue is. So I’m a pure human, I’ve taken Spike’s blood and it’s changed me a bit. I now need blood to what live? I’ve told you I can deal with that…” “not blood” Spike’s whispered statement was so quiet that Xander barely caught it. “Come again? Not blood? If not blood then what?” he demanded. “Xander, you are a type of vampire, in that you need something that you can only get from other beings as sustenance to stay alive. However, because you are a pure human your soul converts the requirement from blood which is in essence the very embodiment of evil. After all to gain blood you generally have to kill or at least harm somebody to something steeped in innocence, the very embodiment and expression of love.” Angel said then sat back and waited for Xander to figure it out.


The very embodiment of love, what the hell was that supposed to mean. Xander flashed back to earlier and realised that he had thought something similar earlier, when he had realised that he had to see Spike when they made love. It was the ultimate expression of their love and he had needed to see Spike to make it perfect. “The expression of love” he repeatedly slowly “you mean sex” he asked quietly “yes luv, you need sex to sustain yourself in the same way that I need blood” Spike whispered against his neck and Xander felt cool tears splash onto his shoulder. He took a moment to digest this and then a slow grin formed across his face. Angel stared at him as though he were about to lose it. “That’s it? I need sex to survive? I mean OK it’s not of the good being dependant on anything to survive really but as far as things go it’s possibly the best thing right? Oh wait! Does this mean I’m a succubus?” Xander distantly remembered coming across the term in one of Giles’ research books that he wasn’t supposed to read whilst in high school. Spike snorted against his shoulder “Succubus you bloody idiot? That’s the chit’s ya pillock. You’re an incubus” he fell suddenly silent as though he had said something wrong. “Guys? I know I’m probably still missing the big thing here but you both look as though the worlds ended and yeah it’s a lot to take in and I can’t guarantee that I’m not going to freak out later but unless there’s something obvious I’m missing, it’s not too bad is it?” he asked unable to stop his voice from showing his uncertainty there at the end, he just wanted someone he trusted to tell him it was going to be OK.


Spike and Angel exchanged a look over Xander’s shoulder and Spike shifted his slightly so he could look him in the eye, “Xan-pet, aren’t you… well aren’t you angry? I mean I know that you hate vampires more than anything on this earth and even though you’re not a vampire in the traditional sense of the word… Well I was expecting hysterics to be honest luv” he said nervously. “Spike, I don’t know how to explain it but I’m OK with this, really. Like you said it’s not like I need to kill people to live and honestly that was the only thing I had against vampires and I have the same issues with any demon that kills innocent people. In fact, most of my issues with vampires stem from what happened to Jesse and what Giles said about it just being a demon in a shell but then when Angel came along it was this whole other set of rules and I was a little bit in love with Buffy so the whole jealousy thing didn’t help. Add to that the fact that Angel was always just so with it, the cool and dashing hero whilst I was the useless liability and it just made everything my parents ever said feel true and I suppose it’s no surprise that I took a bit of a dislik-“ Xander stopped at the low growls both Spike and Angel were now making. “What? Is it something outside? Are we in danger? What?!” “What do you mean ‘everything your parents said” Spike growled “Huh? Oh it’s nothing, let’s just say that mom and dad weren’t exactly the best parents in the world. Not like they were the worst either though so it’s all of the good right?” Spike gripped him tight and growled in his ears “never let anyone tell you that you aren’t special Xander, you are the bravest, the truest, the kindest soul I’ve ever met and no-one can take that from you”. Xander flushed at the praise and quickly gave Spike a closed but passionate kiss “thank you, no-one’s ever said anything like that to me before, well except for Willow and Buffy but they’re just friends and they have to say stuff like that to make you feel better”. “No Xander” Angel interjected “they say it because it’s true, as to why me and Spike are so worried. You may have guessed that Antoinette and Philippe’s story didn’t end well” Xander realised that this was the bit he had been missing, he’d heard the sad tone in both Angel and Spike’s voices when they spoke of them and still hadn’t put it together, all of a sudden he knew he was going to die “oh man, it’s gonna kill me isn’t it? That’s why this is so bad? Killed by sex? The irony of it” to his surprise both Spike and Angel laughed, “no Xander” Angel said, “it’s not going to kill you. But ‘toinette, she took it badly, whilst she could accept a demon for a lover she couldn’t accept that first she had been a pure human, one of a kind or so we thought but then that she had been ‘tainted’ by Phillipe’s demon. She’d always made him promise that no matter what, if she was mortally wounded or not he would never turn her. She feared that her soul would never reach heaven if he did. So when she found out what had happened she blamed Philippe. She ran away from him and abstained from feeding her urges, eventually he found her on the brink of death, wasted by her failure to feed and still she refused him.” “What happened?” Xander asked quietly almost not wanting to hear the rest of the story “she refused him and she died in his arms” Spike finished the story “Philippe couldn’t live in a world without Antoinette and so when the sun rose the next day he walked out with Antoinette in his arms and faced his final death”, “I like to think that they found each other on the other side and that she forgave him” Angel added, they sat for a few moments in silence, two them remembering old friends and one full of sorrow for people he had never met.


Eventually Spike pulled back and held Xander at arms length with a suspicious look “so, you’re really OK with all this pet?” Xander shrugged, “not like I’ve got much choice in the matter is it? But I’m not about to do an Antoinette if that’s what you’re thinking. I need to know more about this, like what does it mean for me? How long can I go without sex before I get… hungry I suppose is the right term for it” Spike leered at him and said “s’not like you’ll ever have to find out Xander, you won’t be going more than a day without from now on I can promise you that”. Xander moaned at that as lust immediately took him over, he grabbed Spike’s longer than usual hair and tugged the blonde forward. Slipping his tongue into Spike’s willing mouth he mapped every centimetre and laid claim to each one. Angel coughed uncomfortably and when they parted both breathing hard despite Spike’s lack of needing air they grinned ruefully at each other then both recoiled slightly at the sight of Angel, eyes bleeding to gold and game face flickering back and forth so fast it was almost blurred. Shaking his head hard Angel tried to speak “Right, I think we can safely say that in the same way that Philippe was for Antoinette, Spike you are most definitely Xander’s trigger” “trigger? What trigger?” Xander said in an only slightly whiney voice, he kept trying to slip his hand into Spike’s lap and Spike kept gently moving it back to his leg. “Concentrate pet, just for a little longer yeah” Spike didn’t seem to be able to help himself either, his voice dropping an octave and going husky with the unspoken promises of later. “Not helping Spike” Angel gritted out from behind clenched teeth, “Xander, each incubus or succubus has a trigger, something that will set off their need to consume the energy released during sex. For some it’s a response to an emotional situation, you’ve heard the term comfort sex?” at Xander’s nod Angel continued “well there are plenty of people out there with just a touch of incubus or succubus in them and as a response to emotionally charged situations, grief or anger for example they seek comfort in the arms of someone, anyone really, that’s the tiny bit of the demon in them that gives them that urge. However for those closer to the real thing or like you a true incubus there is generally a specific thing or person that can trigger the response, in this case it’s clearly Spike”. Xander nodded, it made sense so far, although he was a little disturbed at the idea of lots of people walking round with a tiny bit of demon in them, “another thing I think we can safely say is that your power is very strong”. Spike grinned at Angel and said “struggling over there are ya Peaches?” “you have no idea William” Angel said in a tone closer to one that Xander remembered from high school when Angelus had terrorized the scoobies.


“Ummm Angel? You OK there buddy?” he asked nervously, seeing Xander’s fear Angel made a conscious effort to regain some control “yes fine thank you Xander. As I was saying, you are able to hmmm, project intense emotions as a result of your new found nature. The main one being obviously arousal but if you were feeling intense anger or grief it is likely that this too would affect those around you” Xander blushed, “wow, so you mean when I’m getting all excited it’s affecting you”. Angel stood a little less gracefully than usual and moved to the other side of the room, appearing to be pulling the heavy drapes across windows which were starting to brighten with the rising sun. “Yes” he said “of course it affects me more because I’m a demon but most humans would experience some response”. Xander was distracted by Spike’s chuckle which was muffled against his neck, dangerously close to the claim mark he’d left earlier. The sensation caused certain parts of him to notice with more interest than others and he heard Angel’s groan from across the room “must you Spike?” he’d pleaded and Spike’s wicked laugh had done nothing to dampen Xander’s arousal and Angel’s subsequent suffering. In the end Angel had said he needed to sleep, he’d promised Xander that they would discuss the situation in more detail and when Xander suggested waiting until that night when he could get Giles and the rest of the Scooby gang round Angel had eagerly agreed before retreating to his room. Xander twisted in Spike’s embrace and gently bit Spike’s collarbone before laving the area with his tongue, feeling a need rising in him that felt different to anything he’d ever felt before he whispered in Spike’s ear “Spike? I’m feeling a little hungry right about now” he’d barely finished before Spike had physically lifted him up and before he could blink he had been thrown onto the bed, bouncing with a manly eep he watched with lidded eyes as Spike slammed the bedroom door behind him and stalked towards him. Oh man, this was an addiction that he knew he would never want to give up…

AN – OK, so I’m not too sure where I’m going with this now. I feel like there’s a whole load of routes this could go down and I’m unsure which way to take it. I’m going to think on it but in the meantime there’s definitely a few more chapters coming up, potentially a little Willow bashing just because I can and it’s fun…