Altered Perception

Those left behind.

Spike sat at Xander’s bedside, the doctors had done everything they could including repairing the damage to his collapsed lung. They said that for all intents and purposes he should be fine, no signs of brain damage, no reason to explain why he wasn’t waking up. Spike didn’t know how he’d managed it but Giles had managed to secure a private, windowless room for Xander so that Spike could stay there, on the 3rd day he’d even shown up and wordlessly handed Spike 3 packets of human blood. Spike had sat there stunned, staring at the unwashed, rumpled man reeking of scotch and shaking his head passed them back, “s’not that I don’t ‘ppreciate it mate, s’just” he’d glanced at Xander lying motionless on the bed, hooked up to machines all of which bleeped continuously and shrugged “I keep thinking that if I do something right, promise a lifetime of servitude to the powers that be fighting the good fight and all that then maybe, maybe they’ll give Xander back to me ya’know? And I don’t wanna do anything that could mess that up.”

Giles had cocked his head and then nodded once before leaving, still having not said one word, he’d returned later though with a half dozen packets of pigs blood which he’d given to Spike along with a bag of herbs “s’this then Rupes? You sharing your stash?” Giles had looked puzzled then finally broke his 3 day silence to say in that familiar exasperated tone “Oh, for Gods sake. It’s a blend of herbs that Angel told me improved the taste of the blood. I simply thought you might like to try it, given that it’s going to be the main constituent of your diet for the foreseeable future” removing his glasses and polishing them he started at the sight of Willow and Tara standing in the doorway both with tears shining in their eyes. “Good heavens, what’s the matter?” Giles had asked before Willow had crossed the room and flung her arms around the bemused Watcher, “Oh, I never thought I’d see you polish your glasses again Giles” Giles looked bemused but pleased as Tara shyly crossed the room and joined the hug.

Rolling his eyes Spike returned to his near-constant vigil over Xander, he knew that Xander was in there and he talked to him continuously when they were alone. The topics varied wildly, depending on what popped into his head and what mood he was in. He’d spent hours telling Xander how he’d fallen in love with him, when he’d realised it and each and every thing that he loved about him. He’d talked about his time as William, newly turned childe of the line of Aurelius, learning from Angelus the subtle arts of cruelty and killing. In his more maudlin moments he’d talked of loss, of all the people he’d loved and lost, his dear old mum, Angelus, Drusilla and begged Xander to not become a name on that list. In his more cheerful moods he talked about England, telling Xander that when he woke up and got back on his feet they could maybe go on a trip there. He could show him London in all it’s glory, certain areas were still pretty much unchanged from his human days, then the countryside from the lush green meadows and woods filled with wildflowers to the broad expanses of the Yorkshire moors vast and wild they would be able to see for miles without the view being interrupted by any signs of civilisation. And in his best moods, usually after Red and Glinda had been by he whispered in Xander’s ear exactly what he was going to do to him when he woke up. Spike drew on his vast experience and described things that he had heard about and some that he hadn’t and wasn’t at all sure were physically possible but he could imagine the fun they would have trying it out.

After a while Giles left to ‘go and make himself presentable’, not long after Red and Glinda left after demanding assurances that Spike would drink some of the blood that Giles had bought and get some rest. As soon as they left he stood from the chair he had been sitting in and scowled at it, bloody thing was more uncomfortable than the Watchers bathtub. Crossing the room and pushing the door shut he moved to the bed and gently lifted Xander to one side, kicking off his boots he crawled into the bed and wrapped himself around Xander being careful not to pull or push at his still healing wounds. Laying his head on Xander’s warm chest he let the soothing sound of a steady heartbeat lull him to sleep his mind whirling with vague ideas of legends Angelus had talked of when they were ensconced in bed after making love.

Spike woke to the gentle murmuring of voices, his demon growled at him for a moment at allowing himself to fall asleep surrounded by humans but he snarled at it. He had been tired and warm wrapped around Xander, he felt safer with this man-child, even in his unconscious state than he’d ever felt. As he roused to full awareness he tuned into what the voices were saying. “Giles, they can’t do this, how can they do this? They’ve already said he’s not in a coma so why move him to a coma ward? And what about Spike? Are you going to be the one to tell him?” Red’s voice was doing that cute thing, annoying thing his demon corrected, where it got higher and faster the more distressed she got. But what she was saying was enough to rouse him fully. Opening his eyes and extricating himself from Xander he sat up, raking his hand through his hair and groaning internally as he felt the irrepressible curls. Damm it, he knew he should have asked Glinda to bring gel with her when she asked him if he needed anything the other day, he just knew he looked like an utter ponce.

“Spike! You’re awake, oh my god and so cute” Willow exclaimed before gasping and slapping her hand over her mouth in response to Spike’s scowl. “Cute?!” he snarled “I’ve killed more times that you can imagine Red, cute is not a word I would use to describe me”. “Oh I know, it’s just, when you were rubbing the sleep out of your eye and your hairs all curly and you reminded me of Miss Kitty Fantastico when she rubs her face with her paw…” she trailed off at his raised eyebrow “and that’s not really helping is it?” she asked quietly, not meeting his eyes. Trying to suppress a grin but failing when he met Rupert’s eye he sighed “nothing to worry about Red, just caught me by surprise yeah, s’not often I get a… compliment.” She glanced at him and seeing him grinning she smiled in relief. Enjoying the levity for the moment but deciding that they needed to return to the most important thing, namely Xander he sighed. “So, what did I interrupt? You were talking about Xander?” The trio exchanged worried looks, “Yes” Giles sighed “it seems that the hospital staff believe Xander would be better suited on a long-term ward rather than remaining in the ICU.” Spike swallowed the almost overwhelming rage that tinged everything red before saying in a strained voice “so they’re giving up on him?”

“No, not at all” Giles hurried to reassure him, “and as much as it pains me to say it” he gave Willow a warning look, Spike assumed that they had already discussed and disagreed over this before he woke “I can understand their point of view. An ICU is designed for people who need constant and acute care, Xander is for the main part absolutely healthy, excepting of course the rather serious stab wound that they reassure me is healing nicely. The only thing wrong with him is that he won’t wake up, they can cater to his needs just as well on a long-term ward and free up this valuable room for someone who truly needs it.” Spike nodded slowly, he too could understand why the hospital wanted to move Xander, what he couldn’t understand was why Willow had been so apprehensive about telling him of this latest development. “There’s something more…” he said slowly “something you haven’t told me yet and you know is going to upset me”. Giles cleared his throat uncomfortably, “well, yes now that you mention it. You see Sunnydale General doesn’t have the type of facility that caters to this situation. It’s more of a revolving door system. I’ve looked into other local facilities and there is one just 10 miles away but I went out there today” he shook his head as though clearing a mental image “and suffice it to say I wouldn’t leave an animal there, never mind one of my ch- charges.”

Willow and Tara both glanced at Giles at this “Giles, it’s OK to call us your children you know. We all think of you that way, not that were saying your old or anything” and it looked like Red was back to babbling again “it’s just, I’ve thought of you as a father for years now. And whilst he cant say it right now I know Xander does, more so than the rest of us I think, you know he, didn’t exactly have the best childhood, or the best parents.” Willow looked sad and Tara gripped her hand “he thought he hid it so well, I don’t think he even remembers the one and only time he talked to me about it. We were about 7 and he had stayed at mine for the night, I walked in when he was putting on his pyjama top and I saw some bruises. I knew enough even then to know that they weren’t the usual falling over bruises but when I asked him about them he got so angry. Eventually though he just broke, right in front of me and said that he didn’t want anyone to know, if they knew he’d have to go away and then we wouldn’t be best friends anymore.” A single tear streaked her face, “I always watched out for anything more and then when I was 10, on one of the rare occasions I was over at his folks house I mentioned in passing that I had spotted some bruises on Xander to his dad, I said that my mom was a doctor and if he wanted I could ask my mom to take a look at him and make sure he was OK. He went really quiet and said that there wasn’t any need for that, so I said that I would keep it to myself for now because Xander had asked me not to say anything, he’d said he’d fallen over, but if he got anymore not to worry I’d speak to my mom.”

Willow was shaking with suppressed sobs and Spike suspected a bit of rage, he could empathise there. He’d known that Xander and his folks didn’t get on, hell he knew that he hated them but he had no idea that he’d been hurt as a child. How the hell did someone grow up on a hellmouth with abusive parents and turn out so damm innocent and good? “I think that did the trick, I thought I was so careful, playing the innocent and acting like I had no idea that his dad was hurting him but dropping the threat of someone finding out to his dad. I even made sure that I mentioned that Xander had told me not to say anything, that he’d fallen over. And I never saw anything after that to suggest that it had happened again and believe me I watched closely, but I cant help but think I should have done more” wiping the wet from her eyes she looked at Giles who was looking horrified. “So Giles, believe me when I say that Xander sees you as his father, he told me once” her voice broke and she gasped a few quick breaths before getting herself under control “once he said that he always wondered if you had been his dad, his real dad and raised him if he wouldn’t be different, better was the word he used. I slapped him” she half laughed, half sobbed “I couldn’t help it, I was so angry. He always thought he wasn’t good enough, not for anyone. He sees right through anyone else but never himself. I told him that he was perfect the way he was, that his heart, his soul was the purest I’ve ever known and that I was proud of who he was. We had a bit of a chat and there were a few tears, then a couple of months later he seemed to, I don’t know, grow into himself a bit. He’s been different lately don’t you think? Stronger, more…” “self-confident?” Tara piped up quietly, “yes” Giles agreed, “and it suits him”.

Spike was still processing everything he’d heard, his demon was howling at the fact that Xander’s dad had hurt him, demanding that Spike go and kill the miserable excuse for a human this minute. He winced in pain as the chip provided a non-too gentle reminder of his inability to act on the impulses. Suppressing the urge to tear and render he flashed back to the discussion before the emotional revelations. A little awkwardly he moved towards Willow who was being comforted by Tara, her face pressed into the blonde witches shoulder. He reached out and gently patted her shoulder a little shyly, surprised yet pleased when she whirled and wrapped her arms around him for a hard, fast hug. She pressed her face into the crook of his neck and her scent filled his nostrils, strawberries and cream and the lingering scents of witchcraft, the weeds and herbs blending with a slightly smoky undertone. He smoothed her hair and was rewarded with a sniffle as she pulled back and gave him a watery smile. “I’m OK now, honestly” she assured in response to a raised eyebrow “that was, hard to talk about but it needed to be said. He’s special and I can’t stand the thought of not getting him back.” Her eyes took on a hard, determined look and Spike knew that she, like him would do anything to get Xander back, that was good to know. Releasing her arms so she could move to stand close to Tara again he nodded, “OK, so Rupert, you were saying about this ‘facility’. Giles looked confused for a moment by the change in topic then swiftly recovered “yes, as I was saying I simply will not allow Xander to be cared for, if that’s what you could call it, at that place. I’ve located an alternative place, however it is considerably further away” “where is it Rupert?” Spike asked impatiently, he didn’t care if it was the other side of the globe, he’d get Xander there and he’d stay with him until he woke up. Giles sighed, “it’s in LA”.

AN – Arrggh, I want to get to the good stuff, honestly I do but keep getting distracted by plotty stuff. But I’m really enjoying writing this and couldn’t resist the opportunity to get Angel involved in the mix. It’s gonna get good, trust me on this…