Becoming I

Chapter 5

Actually it took Buffy four days to make her way to L.A.

The first Angel was aware was his office door nearly being ripped off it's hinges. He looked up startled as a furious Slayer came charging into the room.

Despite his words to Xander, he was still pissed off. At the sight of Buffy, all his pent up rage ignited. But he tried for Xander's sake to rein in his temper.

Calmly, he asked Wesley to take a long walk, he was thankful that at least Cordy wasn't here.

"What's the matter, don't want your precious friends to know what you did," Buffy sneered at him, her eyes full of rage and guilt.

He looked at Wesley, "Go on, it's OK," watching as the man hesitated before leaving hastily.

"Why don't we si...," he began to say when she punched him full in the face. He snarled as she hauled back to hit him again, but this time he wasn't going to be her punching bag. He blocked her punch and backhanded her through the open door.

Growling, he cut loose.

Buffy ducked a punch from him and came up behind him, swinging. He spun around blocking her return blow.

"Coming back, pretending like you loved me, like you gave a damn about any of us," she snarled.

He blocked another jab from her and punched her in the face. Following up with a left hook, and snarling as she lost her balance and almost fell down. He grabbed her by the back of her coat and threw her into the wall.

Both of them snarling, spitting words at each other.

"I cared, just not as much as I used to care," he growled. "But, you fucked this all by yourself, Buffy."

She rolled around to her feet and came at him again. She swung at him, but he blocked and punched her instead, followed by backhand punch and she hits the floor again.

"I should have killed you when I had the chance," Buffy panted, staggering to her feet. She looked at him, then kicked him in the face, following up with a punch to the side of his head.

"Yeah, you should have fuckin' done your duty like a good little Slayer," he growled as blocked her next swing, rapidly punching her in the face and gut. Grabbing at her again to throw her, but this time her footing is solid and she quickly caught her balance. So, he kicked her in the face and watching as this time she fell to the floor.

In response, Buffy leaped up and kicked him in the face, watching as he arched backward and then snapped forward. But she was waiting for just such a move from him and kneed him in the chin and delivered a series of sucker punches to his gut, ending by slamming her fist into his jaw.

"Well, there's no time like the present," she gasped, pulling a stake out of her pocket.

She leaped forward tears of rage, of guilt glittering in her eyes....

He leaped forward, snarling in fury....

.....and they slammed into an barrier they couldn't see. They couldn't wit within five feet of each other. Both of them snarling in rage, furiously struggling to reach each other.

Angel straightened up slowly and regarded her with frosty narrowed eyes.

Buffy lowered her stake and staring at him puzzled as to why she can't reach him.

"Willow," Angel bit out.

Buffy blinked, trying to clear the red hazy mist from her eyes. Distantly hearing a telephone ringing in the lobby. She watched as Angel stalked over and snatched the receiver up, speaking shortly to whoever was on the other end.

Angel growled into the phone, "What the hell are you trying to pull, Willow?"

"It’s Xander and I'm trying to save the both of you," Xander said shakily, trying to do this spell was nearly about to kill him. "Willow just called me hysterical, telling me that Buffy went AWOL. It didn't take a genius to guess where she was heading. Angel, please let it rest," he begged quietly, hearing the other snarl on the phone, "Please Angel, just walk away."

"She's not going to let this drop," Angel snarled, looking at her.

He heard the sigh from the other end, "Let me talk to her then," he heard Xander say.

"The barrier will have to come down," he replied cunningly, happy that once it was down, he could kill her.

"Whaddaya think I am stupid? You just move out of the way and slid the friggin' phone to her," Xander retorted, his shaking increasing. He wasn't fazed as he heard the low growl from the other end and smiled knowing what Angel had intended to do.

"Promise me that you won't hurt her once the barrier is down," Xander pleaded quietly. He could hear Angel's breath rasping in the phone before he got the grudging promise that Angel wouldn't attack her, unless she attacked him first..

"Buffy, Xander wants to talk to you," Angel said reluctantly, backing away from the phone, watching as she cautiously stepped forward. He tested the barrier with deadly hands, Nope still can't reach her.

"What the hell do you want," she snapped into the phone.

"I want you to get the hell away from Angel," Xander replied calmly, despite his pounding heart. "You made it perfectly clear that you wanted nothing to do with me. So go home Buffy, and leave us alone."

Buffy couldn't believe what she was hearing, "How can you stand to be around him, he raped you?!" She whirled around when she heard Angel growl savagely. "So you two are an 'us' now, is that it?"

"No," came the quiet reply, "Our daughter is us."

"Oh my God," Buffy whispered into the phone, her eyes wide in horror.

She heard him sigh wearily, "Buffy, when you're ready to hear me, ready to listen...call me. But in the meantime, go home. There's nothing for you here. Giles, Joyce and Willow are waiting. Just go home, Buffy."

He hung up the phone, and dropped the barrier. Not able to take the strain and stress any longer. Praying that they didn't attempt to kill each other.

Numb, Buffy dropped the phone back into the cradle hearing the dial tone.

She looked up with blank eyes to Angel, "Baby?"

Angel heard everything Xander told her, "Buffy, when you're ready to listen, to hear what Xander, what we have to say call us. But right now, you need to leave." He had calmed down considerably, he still wanted to kill her, but only if she threatened his family.

"I...I...need to think," Buffy whispered, her eyes wet.

"Don't think too long, Xander may have infinite patience, but I don't," Angel warned her, his eyes a solid yellow.

He watched her walk away.

Now it was Willow that kept Xander up to date on what was happening in Sunnydale. He was aware of the growing estrangement between Willow and Buffy. God only knew that it was just about all Willow could talk about, that and the fact that she caught Oz cheating on her.

He had immediately invited her to stay with him. He knew just how depressed she was, maybe with some time away, she could recover. Maybe that girl she was hanging with, what's her name, could pull her out of her dump.

Of course it threw him for a loop a month later when she said that her and Tina....Tara were dating. Willow a lesbian? His Willow a lesbian? He almost keeled over in shock. Of course, having Angel laughing at him, calling him a homophobe really didn't help matters much. It made him more accepting, cause he would be damn if he was g let let Angel make fun of him!

Every time she came to visit, she had to bring that...girl. He saw the revulsion in her eyes every time she saw Holly, so reluctantly he stopped inviting Willow and putting her off from coming to L.A. If he had to see that look one more time in that girl's eyes.....he didn't know what he would do to her. He had a nasty feeling that Willow suspected his true feelings, especially when she told him that Tara girl didn't like her doing magic and stuff.

He recalled that frustrated, crazy conversation they had on the phone....

"No, you'd do wonderful in the Army, following orders. Hey, do you think the umbilical cord between you and Tara can stretch that far," he sneered, gripping the phone tightly in his hand.

Willow: "I knew it! I knew you hated her!"

He remarked snippily, "Look, I'm not the one being judgmental here. I'll leave that territory to you and Buffy."

Willow screeched into the phone, "Judgmental?!" He jerked the phone from his ear, wincing in pain "If I was anymore open-minded about the choices you two make my whole brain would fall out!"

"What brain?!," he replied coldly.

"Stop it! What happened to you, Xander?" Willow whispered, blinking back tears.

He let go of some of his rage with a sigh, "Willow, things have been wrong for a while! Don't you see that?"

"What do you mean wrong? You and Buffy just can't handle Tara being my girlfriend," Oops! Willow thought guiltily, Xander didn't know about that.

"Well, they certainly haven't been right since I left. We have to face it," he said quietly into the phone, then he frowned, "And what the hell do you mean, Tara's your girlfriend?"

Angel came into the room at the tail end of that, "Bloody hell!"

Willow stammered, "Enough about that...all I want to know is do you want to help, right? Be part of the team?"

Xander shook his head he just wasn't sure anymore about this..."Wills, I don't know anymore. I don't feel wanted by either Giles or Buffy."

Willow raised her voice in disbelief: "So, you're gonna let her walk into that cave alone, by herself. Hey, maybe that's the secret way of killing Adam, ya think?!"

Xander blinked at the biting contempt in her voice, "Willow...." he began.

Willow, angry and hurt now, "Is that it? Is your hurt feelings is worth more than saving the world? You're not answering me, Xander Harris! Well, is it?!"

She regarded the wall silently for a moment, listening to the silence at the other end, before saying, "So . . . I guess I'm starting to understand why there's no ancient prophecy about a Chosen One...and her friends." She waited a beat, before continuing, "I've come to far with Buffy to let her down now. Whether she wants me or not, I'll be there." Her voice was quiet and somber as she spoke.

She added, "And if we need help, I'll find someone I can count on."

She hung up the phone.

Xander thought over her words for most of next day before making the decision to call her, realizing that she was right, hurt feeling really didn't compare to saving the world....again. He reluctantly joined in, making her promise to keep his involvement a secret, telling her of what had happened and how Buffy tried to kill Angel.

Willow guiltily decided not to tell him about her desire to kill Angel too. No need to worry the poor dear.

Xander took an active part of the planning via the speakerphone at Giles' place.....

"We certainly don't lack of supplies. I just wish I knew which ones would kill Adam," Giles said in frustration.

"Well, Buffy said according to Riley, his power source is uranium core embedded somewhere inside his chest. Probably near the spine," Willow said hesitantly, thinking out loud. Tara really didn't want her hanging out with Buffy and Giles anymore. But Tara had to understand that when it came to end of the worldish kinda things, you just had to take a stand.

Xander said sarcastically, "Great, so we just ask him to lie down quietly while we do some exploratory surgery."

Willow put out a tentative thought, "What about magic? Some kind of, I don't now...uranium extracting spell?"

Giles just looked at her in disbelief; that thought even had Xander at the other end shaking his head.

"I know, I know, I'm reaching," Willow sighed, looking down.

Giles stood up and went over to his bookcase.

"Hmmm, perhaps a paralyzing spell would work," he said mused, pulling a book off and scanning through it, before sighing, "Only I can't perform the incantation for this."

Willow got up and looked at the spell, "Right. Don't you have to speak it in Sumerian or something?"

Giles raised he brow, "I do speak Sumerian. It's not that, only a...an experienced witch can incant it, and you'd have to be within striking distance of this object."

There was silence in the room and on the phone before Xander spoke again, "See what you get for takin' French instead of Sumerian, Willow?"

Willow rolled her eyes, "What was I thinking?"

She and Giles exchanged smiles.

"So no problem, all we need is combo Buffy--her with Slayer strength, Giles' multi-lingual know how, and Willow's witchy power," Xander said jokingly.

There was silence at the other end of the phone, "Hey guys, I was only joking, you know," he said nervously.

Giles looked at the wall, thinking.

Xander sighed, "Yeah, don't tell me. I'm just chockfull of helpful suggestions," he muttered

Giles smiled, "As a matter of fact, you are."

Giles and Willow presented the idea to Buffy, who grasped eagerly at the quasi-workable solution. They didn't tell her that Xander was going to be deeply involved at his end in L.A. Logistics wasn't a problem with his part of the spell---Buffy, Giles and Willow were the one that really had to be close.

They stealthily made their way into the underground base and were swiftly captured, a few minutes later all hell broke loose as Adam released the containment units. They fought their way to where Willow thought Adam might be and prepared for the spell.

Buffy took off after making sure the room was secure and Willow and Giles had everything they needed.

Willow and Giles settle inside of room 314.

Giles lit the candle and called Xander on the cellphone, "We're ready."

Willow begins chanting, "The power of the Slayer and all who yield it. Last to ancient first, we invoke thee. Grant us thy domain and primal strength. Accept us in the power we possess. Make us mind and heart and spirit joy. Let the hand encompass us. Do thy will."

Xander intones, "Spiritus...Spirit," laying a card before him in his living room.

Willow says quietly, "Animus...Heart," giving Giles a card.

"Sophus...Mind," Giles whispered staring into the candle, hearing Willow whisper, "And Manus...,"

Willow softly spoke, "The hand...," envisioning Buffy.

Distantly they could hear the screams of the fighting and dying soldiers....

Willow stared straight ahead, "We enjoin that we may inhabit the vessel...the hand and...daughter of Sineya...first of the ones... we implore thee, admit us, bring us to the vessel, take us now."

Then all three felt a tremenduous surge rush through their bodies, joining with Buffy, seeing what she saw....becoming one with Buffy....

Buffy came out from behind her concealment and saw Adam.

He blows up the console and looking for Buffy and sees her standing up, eyes glowing orange.

His head tilts, "You can not last much longer."

"We can. We are forever," she said.

Adam head tilted, this was illogical. Human voices did not have such harmonics. He processed her words….'we' did not compute. There was the only female designated as Buffy, however, this female's eyes were were orange. Buffy Summers' profile indicated blue eyes. More data was needed.

The female began speaking in a foreign language.

Adam, testing his theory remarked, "Interesting,” before firing at Buffy. But his shot was blocked by some sort of forceld. ld.

She continued speaking in a foreign language.

He scanned his data banks trying to match up the language from all the ones he had assimilated. This was not one of the languages he understood, "Very interesting."

He fired his mini-gun at the female designated as Buffy Summers. No effect.

He fired a rocket at her.

She holds her hand up, "Kur."

The rocket bursts into three birds. She holds her hand up again, and his rocket went back inside him.

This did not compute. He rerouted to another program, attacking her, but she blocked every punch.

She kicked him in the stomach, and as he fell, she grabbed his head.

He could not understand, "How...can you--,"

Xander, his eyes softly glowing, "You could never hope to grasp the source...." speaking simultaneously with....

Willow and Giles in the room, "....hope to grasp the source...."

Buffy, "....of our power."

She punched him and he goes flying to the ground. She picked him up and slammed him up against the wall.

She reached into his chest, pulls out the uranium and tilts her head, "But yours is right here."

She released Adam, watching as he fell to the ground.

They/she sees the one called Riley walking up.

They/she hear him say, "Buffy."

They/she levitates the uranium, speaking Sumarian, and the uranium disappeared.

B's 's eyes return to normal just as the room spins and goes black.

Riley managed to catch her before she hit the floor, unconscious.


Inside of Room 314.

Willow and Giles dropped, exhausted from the spell.

"Wow! That was--," Willow breathed.

“Yeah, I’ll see your Wow and raise you an Oh yeah,” Xander said faintly lying limp on the floor of the living room.

The door breaks down and a demon comes rushing inside just as she was about to respond.

Spike charged in and broke the demon's neck. He smirked when the demon fell to the floor.

Spike cockily, "Nasty sort of fellow. Lucky for you blighters I was here, eh?" He hoped they hadn't figured out that he had been working for Adam.

"Yes, thank you," Giles said coldly, standing up stiffly.

So much for that ideal, Spike thought wryly.

"Although your heroism has been slightly muted by the fact that you were helping Adam to start a war that would kill us all," Giles continued crushingly.

Willow narrowed her eyes, "You probably just saved us so we wouldn't stake you right here."

"Did it work?" He arched a brow before continuing, "Well, then everything's all right. And we all get to be not staked through the heart. Good work, team."

Buffy and Riley pushed open the door.

"Buffy," Giles breathed a sigh of relief.

Willow smiled and ran to hug her, feeling all right with the world.

"Wasn't it amazing," she asked excitedly, nearly bouncing off the walls.

Buffy smiled, "You were great," and she meant that sincerely, she looked around spotting the cehonehone on the floor, "We were great."

She had felt Xander's spirit powering part of the spell. Despite the way she had treated him, he came through for her, for them.

Riley looked at her, seeing her distraction, "We still got men out there."

"Well, let's go save 'em, by gum," Spike said anxious to make sure they didn't stake him.

"You guys get to the exits and get 'em open," Buffy said taking charge. She glanced at Riley, "Organize the soldiers and pull 'em back. I'll take point." She started walking out.

"Are you up to this?" Willow asked quietly, putting out a hand to stop her.

Buffy replied quietly, "I am now." They looked at each other, before Buffy looked away first.

She had some hard decisions to make and some deep changes to make within her if she wanted to be part of Xander's life again. She knew this time, she had to make the first move. She just prayed that he would still let her in.

She knocked a demon out in passing.

She took a good, long hard look at herself…and she didn’t like what she saw. Who she had become. She knew that the next move was up to her, that SHE had to be the one this time to reach out to Xander. It would take some sort of drastic calamity for Xander to set foot in Sunnydale again.

Despite the fact that her mother and Giles seem to be acting like idiots, in her opinion, over the baby she had so far refused to see the child.

Her mother acted like Holly was HER granddaughter, constantly taking clothes and stuff up to Xander and Angel. Mom and Giles fighting with the Harris’, each trying to outdo the other in buying presents for Holly.

She heard about that little dustup between them from Willow and her lips twitched in an involuntary grin, recalling how hysterical Willow thought it was. The apartment was looking like a warehouse with all the baby things that Giles, her mom and the Harris’ were buying. People could barely find a place to sit! And Xander, not wanting to hurt anyone’s feeling kept silent. Xander was too embarrassed to tell either set of adults that Holly really didn’t need three more Tickle Me Elmo, two playpens, another crib, two walkers, three strollers, two more car seats, or more two highchairs. The poor baby had more clothes in her closet than a store.

Finally, Angel had to sit them all down and put a stop to the competition explaining that Holly already had enough clothes and toys. Yes, if they want, they can each have a car seat in their car for Holly, but everything had to be returned.

She sobered, she couldn’t see how everyone was so….so accepting of that….thing---that baby! Xander had been raped, how could everyone act like it was normal? Initially, whenever anyone mentioned Holly, she would just get up and walk away. She had refused to accept the product of Xander’s rape, feeling that if she acknowledge it, recognized Holly she condoned the way she was conceived.

It took her a while to understand, to realize that no one condoned the way Holly had been conceived, what they accepted was simply that Holly was Xander’s daughter.

But it was hard for her to accept Holly, because if she had been doing her job, doing what she was supposed to do, then nonethisthis would have happen. It was her guilt that held her back from accepting Holly.

So, with a lot of recriminations, yelling and angry hangups on Xander’s part they slowly began extending their hands to each other. It was a very fragile thing, this new friendship that they now had between them. Something that, with the slightest remark, capable of breaking the delicate bond. So they worked out a solution that allowed their friendship to grow stronger, no mention whatso ever of Angel or Holly. Any information Buffy received about the two came from Willow, Giles or her mother.

Someday…. someday soon, she hoped she would be able to accept her guilt….her shame. Only when she had accepted her failure would she be able to accept Holly fully into her life, into heart without looking at the child in revulsion. She knew that if she ever did that to Holly, it would be the last time she ever saw or spoke to Xander ever again.

She was extraordinary grateful that he was giving her this opportunity, this time to come to terms with herself.

She grimaced, of all things, what she really couldn’t quite get was how the situation was reversed. It used to be Xander urging everyone to kill Angel and her defending him. She let out a bitter laugh,ny iny it was NOT! Nothing like getting knocked up to switch your loyalties. She immediately felt guilty and ashamed of letting that thought cross her mind. It was good that Xander had changed, grown up….now all she had to do was do the same.



2 Years Later.......

Xander looked around the restaurant anything to avoid looking at the person sitting across from him. He was still not clear on how his life got to this point. His relationship with Buffy at least gotten to the point where that their friendship was getting much much better. Not perfect, but hey at least they are communicating, he grinned briefly at how adult he sounded. Things weren’t perfect between him and Buffy but at least they were on a little more solid ground. The table shook slightly as the other occupant brushed against the leg of the table, recalling Xander to the present moment.

He looked down at the table and fiddled nervously with his silverware, wondering how in the Hell had he been persuade to come on a date, he darted a swift look at the calm eyes gazing at him, oh yeah this was such a freakin' date, no matter how much HE said it wasn't.

It was all Oz's fault, he thought with swift rising hysteria. If he hadn't gotten caught with his pants down with that bitch, Willow wouldn't have turned lesbian with that Tara since Buffy had been pushing her and Giles away and had hooked up that Initiative and she was lonely...Willow that is, was lonely, not Buffy since she had Riley, the Initiative guy, but not anymore though. And if her and Tara hadn't had that fight about magic and Willow hadn't stormed off and Tara decided to stop using magic cold turkey and died and Willow was so upset that he invited her to stay after his parents, who for some stupid friggin' reason, decided to move to out-of-state and she brought that stupid Spike with her he would have never thought for one friggin' minute that HE was interested in him, like really, REALLY interested despite that kiss....Stupid Spike and his stupid nose, he sneered.

"Stupid vampire," he muttered under his breath.

"Me," Angel questioned, he could smell Xander's rising panic. "Xander, this isn't a date remember," he said softly.

"HA! I say again HA and double HA HA! Which to the casual observer may sounds remarkable like a laugh but it isn't," Xander said, leaning forward, "Candles, secluded corner table, romantic music and you're trying to tell me this isn't a DATE?! HA!"

"You could have said 'No', you know," Angel said quietly, looking down and away from Xander. Why the hell did he agree to let Spike make the arrangements, he had been doing just fine slowly courting Xander; letting him get used to him, regaining his trust. He was well aware of why Jack and Macy had left, they were aware of his growing feelings for Xander and they felt they were in the way. That's why they had left, knowing that as long as they were staying in the apartment Xander would always have someone to hide behind.

And for two weeks they were once again on their own with Holly, after three years of being together, Xander was far more comfortable around him; even going so far as to rest against him whenever they watched videos late at night.

Maybe things would have gone on that way for a while if he hadn't made a stupid, bonehead mistake and kissed him late one night. Looking down into lush, chocolate eyes, at the smile curving Xander's laughing face, he felt all his will power vanished like so much smoke, and the next thing he knew, he was kissing him!

Feeling those luscious lips soften under his, hearing that tiny gasp from Xander only made him more anxious to find out what other sounds he could pull from him; and he drank deep from Xander's mouth, feeling the boy's tongue shyly dart out to touch his, shuddering at that erotic liquid caress. Pulling apart, he stretched out just above that supple body....he needed to feel the boy moving against him, to feel those hands touching him, caressing him, pushing against him....he froze realizing that Xander was trying to get away!

He scrambled off and tried to apologize, but Xander just gave him one terrified look and ran to his bedroom. Even from here he could hear the lock click on the bedroom door and Xander shuddering sobs; he had never felt so much despair in his life. To be so close to what he had been desiring for so long, to be so close to heaven....only to lose it, to lose HIM. The look in Xander's eyes played endlessing in his mind....he never wanted to EVER see that look in Xander's eyes again and that thought sent him over the edge that night.

And it took him almost four weeks to come back from that edge. And he, like a fool, played right into Wolfram and Hart hands. All the things he had did during those weeks: acting like a lone wolf, ignoring his friends, firing Gunn, Wesley and Cordy; it all culminated in fucking Darla. Reasoning, that if Xander believed he was a monster then he might as well become one in truth and laying beside her, he at last realized his mistake and staggered out of the room....and both of them surprised by the non-appearance of Angelus, which eventually resulted in a rather nasty vicious fight with her, before forcing her out of the hotel.

Coming to his senses, determined not to be the monster he still imagined he was in Xander's eyes, he literally groveled at the feet of Cordy, Gunn and Wesley until they let him rejoin the team. Then he finally went back home, back to Xander. Half-afraid that that boy wou't e't even let him in the front door, thinking Xander might have even changed the locks.

He was pleasantly surprised when his key fit easily into the door, he was even more surprised to see Willow sitting on the couch and he was disagreeably surprised to see Spike saunter out of the kitchen with Xander....he froze as raw jealousy ripped through him, Xander belonged to HIM! For half a second, his eyes gleamed gold as Spike looked up startled.

"Oi, Peaches' the boy said you were gone," Spike said, looking uneasily at Angel. Unlike the noseblind humans, he could feel the rage simmering under Angel surface and he slid a casual glance at Red hoping she had a clue that she might be willing to share.

Willow glanced at the coolly composed face of Angel, blinking slightly with nervous tension. She glance over at unmoving figure of Xander and wandered what in the name of the Goddess was going on.

"Uhm, maybe you too would like to be alone," she stammered out, rising to her feet and sitting abruptly down at Xander's shout of 'NO!'

"If you wouldn't mind Willow, I would like to speak with Xr prr privately," Angel asked quietly, if Xander didn't want him around, then maybe they could agree on how to share Holly. He would miss being part of his family but he had only himself to blame.

"No," Xander said stubbornly, crossing his arms, "Anything you have to say, you can say in front of Willow and Spike." HA! There was no freakin' way was he gonna be alone with Angel, no tellin' what he might do next time!

Spike watched Angel cautiously, seeing the flicker of gold in his eyes, "Uhm, that's alright, me and Red can go into the bedroom like," he leered absentmindedly at her, keeping a wary eye on the silently fuming Angel.

"Oh no, you're not," Xander grabbed his arm and summoning his power, forcibly marched the protesting vampire to the couch forcing him down, before turning defiantly to Angel.

Angel sighed, obviously Xander needing to have this confrontation out in public not trusting him NOT to jump him again.

Willow and Spike exchanged uneasily glances, feeling the silent tension in the air. They didn't dare move.

"Xander, I wanted to apologize for attacking last month," Angel said straightforwardly, getting all the ugliness out in the open. Guilt and remorse clearly evident in his face and eyes.

Willow gasped, after everything she had heard about Angel from Xander she was surprised to hear him say that he had attacked Xander! And Xander didn't even mention it?! She twisted to look at Xander who had a slight frown on his face.

Xander was startled to see just how guilty Angel looked, he didn't remember him ever looking so.....broody when he and Buffy were dating, even during the worst of their angsty moments. Surely it wasn't because of him?! Just because of a stupid kiss?!

"Uhm, you didn't attack me," he protested uneasily, "Y...yo..you just startled me a little and I didn't know what to do," he said looking at Angel.

"I didn't mean to scare you like that," Angel said softly, looking down. "I could hear you crying in the bedroom that night," he confessed without looking up.

Ah, geeze louise, Xander thought, did he overreact to Angel? He thought he was doing so good with the therapy and all, "Maybe running and locking the door wasn't exactly the most mature thing to do," he grimaced in disgust, "It was only a kiss, after all."

By this time the had effectively forgotten the other two in the room and it wasn't until they heard Willow's gasp that they recalled the two sitting quietly on the couch with wide eyes.

Willow felt like she was about to pass out....finding out that Angelus had raped Xander---check, already dealt with; finding out that Xander had been pregnant and had a child---ooy, ay, a little harder to deal with but hey look at her dealing, she was dealing so well she was even babysitting....of course, Xander DID have to sit on her to keep her from going after Angel, but she was dealing, she was the Queen of Dealing. Yeah, she was still having a little trouble believing that Xander was getting along amicably with Angel, yeah sure, they had a child together but Xander's legendary hatred for vampires was like...like.. like him and Spike having some secret, hot blazing affair. It was possible, in somebody's twisted fevered imagination, but this was reality. And Angel.....Angel was gay and hitting on Xander?! Boy, oh boy was Buffy so gonna freak....heh heh heh and smiled slowly, you're a bad girl Willow Rosenberg, a horrible, dirty, bad girl!

Spike looked surprised, Chubs an' the Poof?! Awright! Peaches tryin' t'get a leg over. He felt like applauding but settled for giving them both a smarmy look.

Xander looked at Willow and blushed...where was a hole when you needed one?! Man, what he wouldn't give for a nice little portable hole, one that he could crawl in whenever he liked. No more embarrassing moments for him, uh uh, no way!

Angel, after one quick look at them, focused back on Xander and confessing his sins. "The look in your eyes," he swallowed, "It made me see myself for the monster that I was, the monster that I am and I did some horrible things, Xander." He couldn't bare to look any of them in the face, for fear he would see contempt in their eyes. Despite his friendship with Gunn, Wesley and Cordy, the only ones that he felt truly knew him was Xander and maybe even Spike.

Xander blinked and sat down slowly, dread growing in his heart. He didn't....he wouldn't've...oh God please tell me that he didn't, Xander thought in despair. If he did what he thought he did, there was no fucking way was he letting him back in this apartment and near him, near HOLLY!

Angel finally raised his head, "I got so lost, that I fired Gunn, Cordy and Wesley."

Xander eyes narrowed, "Go on," he said quietly, praying silently.

"You remember me telling you about Wolfram and Hart?" Angel waited until he got Xander nod before continuing, "They brought back Darla," he said huskily.

"They brought back Darla," Spike exclaimed and was soundly hushed by Willow's fierce glare, subsiding angrily....if it wasn't for this bleeding chip, he'll give her what for!

Angel looked straight in Xander's eyes, "And I wanted to be the monster in truth that I saw in your eyes, so I....I...slept with Darla," he finished in a rush, waiting for Xander to scream and rage at him, call him a fool.

"You what?!" Willow exclaimed, jumping away from him. "Are you out of your ever loving mind?! Don't you remember the last time what happened, Mr. I'm-Too-Sexy-In-Leather-Pants. You KNOW what will happen," she paused, "Wait a minute, why didn't Angelus come out?"

Angel shrugged, "It surprised me too, I don't know. Maybe it's because I wasn't in love with her, maybe it was because I was at such a low point in my life....," he was interrupted by Xander.

"Or maybe it's because I made your soul permanent," Xander said calmly. He was still waiting for Angel to get his last confession over, if he killed anybody, anybody at all....he was out of his life and out of the apartment.

"What?!" came the chorus from the other three.

Xander glanced around startled, "Whaddaya mean 'What'?! If you think I'm going to be walking around, living with Angel without some permanent guarantee that Angelus was not gonna creep up on me in my sleep, you got another think coming. I may be a lot of things but suicidal I am NOT!"

"Bu..but where did you get that much power," Willow stuttered, she thought she was the only Witch in the Scoobies.

"I'm a mage, sorta like a Witch, but a guy," Xander admitted, "One of the first things I did once I got enough power was to make Angel's soul permanent."


“Wait a minute! That fight with Buffy, it was you that stopped us, wasn’t it? But it would take years to get that much power to make my soul permanent," Angel protested, his eyes narrowing at the suddenly uncomfortable look on Xander's face.

"Alexander LaValle Harris, what have you done," Angel roared out.

"Geeze, Mom much? And I didn't do anything, it was all on the up and up," Xander said glancing at the three glaring faces. He sighed, "Look, there's something that I haven't been exactly straight with you about, Angel," and he looked shamefaced at the vampire.

"When I dimension travel, I can stay there as long as I want without aging a day. I've spent a lot of time, and I mean a LOT of time learning in a couple of places, searching to find enough power to make sure Angelus never comes out," Xander said in a low tone.

"How much time have you spent over there," Angel asked, his curiosity peaked.

"Uhm, you promise you won't yell at me," Xander asked hesitantly, peering at Angel's narrowing eyes, oh uh, this was so not good. Angel's gonna kill me, turn me and then dust me, he silently screamed.

Angel eyes narrowed even further, "How. Long. Were. You. There," he growled, his eyes slowly lightening. Spike made sure he wasn't in the line of fire and pulled a protesting Willow off the couch.

"About 113 years," Xander admitted in a small voice, he was so dead!

"113 years?!" Willow screeched, echoed by Angel's thunderous voice and Spike's surprised shout.

"It took you THAT long to learn how to anchor my soul," Angel said incredulously, his eyes narrowed suspiciously, Xander was hiding something.

Xander squirmed, "Uhm, no, altogether that only took about 15 years, the rest was learning how to fight, and partyingwiththegang," he said in a rush.

"Repeat that last part more more slowly," Angel ordered with narrowed eyes.

Xander took a deep breath, "I said that I was partying with the gang," he admitted reluctantly.

There was a charged silence in the room before Angel spoke again.

"Okay, so let me see if I got this straight," Angeld wid with inhuman calm, ticking off the points on his fingers. Xander and Spike watched him with fascination, exchanging wary looks; they weren't fooled, this was only the calm before Hurricane Angel hit. Even Willow was watching him.

"You are a Traveler, a Traveler mage as a matter of fact, it took you 15 years to learn to anchor my soul, something you didn't bother to tell me about and for the for the rest of that time, you were learning to fight and PARTY?!" Angel roared, jumping to his feet angrily, forcing Xander to his feet too.

"What do you think, that I learned how to do the spell overnight," he yelled back, "It took me three of MY years to learn how to do the spell without killing you, without destroying your soul. You have no idea how hard it was to section off the amount I needed to do the spell without killing you in return. They made me practice endlessly before I was able to get it right. Every time I thought I had just enough magic to do the spell, something would go wrong and BOOM! the room would blow up! Man, I was wiggin' out big time! It had got so bad that none of my spells weren't working, so they sent me out to have fun, to relax me, hoping that would work----'cause the more scared I got, the tenser I became and .....," he shook his head, letting everyone know what happened after that.

"For me trying to do this spell was one of the hardest things I've ever done," he admitted huskily, "I just didn't want to be scared of Angelus anymore and I wanted you to be able to at least get a happy without worrying about the Return of Angelus Part II," he took a slow shuddering breath. "Every time I failed, it made me more determined to succeed; I just wanted to give you something for everything you've given me over the years, I just wanted to give you a nice surprise," he ended quietly, blinking away his stinging tears. "I was gonna tell yast ast month, but...." he shrugged awkwardly, they both knew what happened.

"I attacked you," Angel admitted in a quiet voice; he had calmed down considerably being familiar with magic and if Xander was as powerful as he was implying, trying to do the spell must have been a nightmare for the boy. He looked up, "So you do care....I've always wondered," he said quietly searching Xander's eyes.

Willow and Spike tried to remain a quiet as possible, this was better than Passions, the drama, the angst.....

Xander looked at him bewildered, "You've been looking out for me for the past three years, you're the father of my daughter, you've helped me become the man I am by believing in me.....how could I not care? You're my friend," he said holding Angel's gaze, seeing the slow smile start in the warm dark eyes.

"Friends, huh," Angel murmured, slanting a look at the blushing Xander both of them remembering that he did kiss him back.

"Friends, buddies, compardes, amigos, take your pick," Xander said firmly, waving a hand.

"How about lover," Angel said with a raised brow.

"See, there you go again!" Xander jumped to point a finger furiously at Angel, "You just can't leave well enough alone, can you. Allow me to point out a few things to you; One, my hair is brown not blond like your last three flirts: Darla, Buffy and that Kate woman; "Two, I'm a guy; and Three, I'm not GAY!," he said triumphantly.

"Uhm, Xander, just to point out to you," Willow said hesitantly, "Buffy's hair was actually a browny kinda color when she started school in Sunnydale."

"Well, my hair used to be brown," Spike admitted with a smirk.

"See! You see that! That's why I don't wanna have anything to do with you," Xander yelled, pointing a trembling finger at the snickering Angel, "You have this evil power that change all the people you...you...get groiny with into blondes and I absolutely refused to change my hair color," he stated firmly, glaring at the laughing people.