Becoming

Chapter 5
Plots


Xander woke slowly and relished the feel of the cool, firm body in front of him and snuggled closer, pressing light kisses to whatever flesh was in front of his mouth. Cracking open one eye he grinned when he saw that it was Spike’s neck and he lightly bit down and worried the cool flesh between his blunt teeth. He was delighted at the shudder that ran through his lover at his touch and he moved the arm that was currently wrapped around Spike’s waist to caress the firm abdomen, feeling tight muscles quiver under his feather light touches he shifted slightly and began to lick a trail up to Spike’s ear, running his tongue around the delicate pink shell he breathed “and a good morning to you too”. Xander woke suddenly, heart pounding and breathing coming fast, the dream had felt so real and he started to tear up when he realised that despite Spike being in his bed he wasn’t awake and probably wouldn’t wake up. Angrily brushing tears away he berated himself for thinking that way, Spike was a vampire for God’s sake, he was just recovering from whatever damage that damm chip had done to him, of course he was going to wake up. He realised that at least part of the dream was true, one arm was wrapped possessively around Spike’s waist in a parody of a loving gesture, feeling guilty for taking advantage of him whilst he was unconscious he went to move the weight, however when his hand brushed against Spike’s stomach he felt it. There was a definite reaction there, a slight quiver to the sensation of Xander’s hand! Shouting at the little voice in his head that was screaming for joy and doing a mental snoopy dance Xander tried to calm himself, it might just be an automatic reaction and mean nothing, but God did he hope that it did. Gently he ran his other hand along Spike’s side from his arm to the top of his hip and damm if Spike didn’t flex slightly into the touch. With one last test in mind before he ran shouting into the den and woke up anyone that had stayed the night Xander lent down and gently pressed a kiss to Spike’s perfect cheekbone, Spike gave a little sigh and Xander saw the gentle up and down motion signalling breath that the vampire didn’t need. Xander started to silently cry again, however these were tears of joy not sorrow, it had unnerved him more than anything that Spike had stopped breathing when he was hurt, when Spike had been a forced houseguest with Xander, sharing the basement of doom Xander had noticed that even when the vampire slept he breathed. He had even asked Angel about it one night when they had been sitting quietly just watching the blond figure in the bed who was so important to both of them and Angel had told him with a small smile yet a look of such regret that Angelus had tried his best to beat the habit out of Spike when he was a young fledgling called William but it was one habit he never broke. Xander watched for a few moments to make sure it wasn’t a one off but the slow and steady rhythm held and he shouted for Buffy and Angel at the same time as leaping out of bed, and landing face first on the floor.


It took him a moment to figure it out and by then Angel and Buffy had both burst into the bedroom, Buffy in his pyjamas, hair looking like a haystack and brandishing a small axe, Angel had apparently stripped to his trousers to sleep in and burst in shirtless, his hair looking if at all possible worse than Buffy’s and gripping a broadsword. Both of them looked wildly around the room, it was obvious from their looks that Xander’s shout had them thinking they were under some sort of attack. Had Xander not been so confused as to why his legs apparently weren’t working he would have laughed at the sight the pair of them made. “umm guys?” both pairs of eyes fixed on his position sprawled inelegantly on the floor, “my legs don’t seem to be working”. Buffy burst out laughing, Xander supposed it was relief at having been woken so abruptly, fearing danger and finding only klutzy Xander, Angel’s lips quirked upwards but he looked like he was fighting the urge to laugh. Then Buffy and Angel seemed to spot each other at the same time and Xander couldn’t help his laugh at the sight of both of them automatically lifting hands to hair to try and straighten out what they knew was a mess.


Buffy shot Xander a scowl and said “Xander? Other than the fact that you fell out of bed what happened?” “ Did you have a bad dream?” Angel added quietly, “No, no I had a great dream and then it came true, well sort of…” Xander blushed a little, although he knew that everyone knew how he felt about Spike, coming right out and telling them about the dream and the tests he had done to make sure had him nervous. “Why don’t we all get changed and meet in the kitchen?” Angel asked, apparently spotting Xander’s embarrassment, “I’ll put coffee on and you can tell us what’s happened”. “Sure” Xander said, however his legs were still decidedly wobbly underneath him “except my legs really don’t want to work at the moment, umm should I be worried about this?” he turned a concerned look at the pair in front of him, Angel looked apologetic whilst Buffy fidgeted uncomfortably “Umm, well actually Xan, it’s probably a side effect of the drug”. “That’s right! You drugged me you pair of…” Xander couldn’t think of a word bad enough to call them as his anger at being tricked last night came flooding back, however at seeing the worried faces in front of him and realising that had they not drugged him he might not have spotted the subtle reactions from Spike to touch, he sighed “forget about it guys, I know you were trying to help. It’s just, don’t do it again OK? I’d actually rather one of you punched me out than drugging me, it’s just, sneaky ya know?” he saw Buffy nodding frantically, apparently relieved at the let off Xander was giving them, Angel just quirked that funny smile again and said “I promise you faithfully Xander if you ever need help going to sleep again I’ll punch you”. Xander snorted at that and extended a hand “Well come on, the least you can do is help me get my ass of the floor and help me walk until my legs come back to me. What the hell did you guys slip me anyway?” Angel pulled Xander to standing whilst Buffy excused herself to ‘make herself presentable’, “something that Giles managed to get hold of, I’m not sure what it’s called but it’s obviously a little stronger than we thought”. Xander had a sudden mental image of Giles dressed in a trenchcoat trying to score on some seedy street corner and couldn’t help a giggle, Angel looked at him as though he were still drugged and Xander explained, as they reached the kitchen both of them were laughing as they embellished the fantasy to include Giles stammering his way through trying to purchase services from a hooker, by the time Buffy entered the room they were howling with laughter.


Once they were all settled round Xander’s poky kitchen diner table with hot coffee and an extra mug of blood for Angel Xander haltingly explained what had happened. To his surprise both seemed overjoyed and not in the least bit angry at him for potentially taking advantage of Spike. “Xander, this is excellent news. I hoped that being close to a loved one would have this effect. Very often vampires can tell even whilst unconscious if their consort is near” Angel said before hurriedly continuing “not that you and Spike are consorts or anything, it’s just. Well, he’s getting better, that’s what counts.” Xander was still reeling from the term loved one never mind mate, it beginning to finally sink in that Spike loved him, him, Xander Harris! With a huge grin he said “yeah, you’re right. All that matters is getting him better.” And over the next few days that what they did, Xander spend more time in bed than out of it, he’d told work that his ‘partner’ was very ill, he’d fully expected them to say not to bother coming back but his boss managed through very vague terms to make it clear to Xander that he was in an ‘unconventional’ relationship himself and that he hoped Xander’s partner got better soon and for Xander to take as much time as he needed. With that weight off his mind he’d created a nest of sorts in the bedroom, moving the TV in there and the Scoobies continued to visit constantly. Buffy, Willow and Tara would drop by before, after and in-between classes, Dawn was there every day after school, Angel was more or less living with Xander but tended to sleep in the day and was helping Buffy patrol at night. Giles frequently popped round after closing up the Magic Box and even Cordy had popped by for a visit one weekend.


One Sunday Xander was curled up next to Spike with Angel lying on the other side, both of them were lightly touching Spike, their movements never ceasing. They had found through a series of trial and error that Spike responded to most touch, Giles and Cordy being the only exceptions, certain people he reacted more strongly too, Dawn got almost as strong a reaction as Xander or Angel but it was to those two that Spike most obviously reacted. He would now make light whimpering noises if either of them moved away from him before he settled down again into silence. However, despite these obvious improvements to Spike’s condition Xander was once again beginning to lose hope. “I mean, how much longer can it take?” he asked Angel as he lay then lightly running his hand up and down Spike’s torso, “I honestly don’t know Xander, I know that he will come back to you though. I don’t know how I know it but I do” Angel answered honestly his hand carding through Spike’s now partially dark blonde hair. When the roots had first started to show Xander had almost been tempted to bleach it and cut it so that when Spike woke he would be just the way he should be, but then he had seen that the hair curled naturally and the honey blonde shade was too delicious and he had decided rather selfishly that he wanted to see it as natural as it could be so he had allowed it to grow unchecked. Xander sighed, “I’m going to grab a coffee, you want blood?” he asked Angel, “yes thank you, I’m going to feed Spike in a moment anyway so should probably top up” Angel said as he shifted into a sitting position and gently moved Spike so that the blonde was cradled into his side, his head resting in the hollow of Angel’s shoulder “it really helps doesn’t it?” Xander asked “I’m sorry?” Angel looked confused “the blood thing, him getting your blood. It’s like stronger or something than the stuff from the butchers or even the human stuff we’ve managed to scrape together from the Red Cross rejects”. Angel’s face showed he now understood but for some reason he looked uncomfortable, “Yes, different blood has different meanings and the meaning affect the magic that I suppose re-animates us. Gives the demon something else, something that’s not there with bagged blood” he said slowly.


Xander nodded to show he understood, in fact he had been doing some reading himself, those early mornings when Angel was dead t the world and no-one was by to visit he had pored over the books the others had already read front to back looking for something, anything that might had been missed. He had come across some interesting stuff about vampires claiming their consorts and the mutual benefits and it had given him an idea “yeah I think I remember reading something about that” Xander said trying to keep his tone casual, “and isn’t the blood of a consort supposed to be the most powerful there is or something?” he saw Angel stiffen with that unnatural stillness he sometimes had, the one that had every fibre in Xander’s body screaming at him to ‘RUN!” even though he knew he was safe with Angel, in fact this thing with Spike had made him face a lot of issues, one being that he had always been jealous of Angel, not just over Buffy but later over the fact that the man was just so perfect and Xander, struggling with self-esteem issues that if he was honest with himself he was still working through even now, after a year of living away from his parents, transferred the feelings of self-loathing into hatred for someone who seemed to have it all together.


The urge to flee was primal, it was his body at a molecular level knowing that it was prey and in front of it was a predator. Suppressing the urge and cocking his head at Angel he prompted “or is that not right?” “Xander…” Angel started in a warning tone “I don’t know what you’re thinking but I can tell you right now it’s not a good idea” the reason a consorts blood is so strong is because it is freely given, it is the ultimate act of submission. The vampire is in complete control and if they wanted to they could drain their consort dry and there’s not a thing they would do about it, in fact they would be pleading for more because the bite feels so good to them. There’s no pain for a consort, only pleasure. Unending and unbearable pleasure, I’ve seen them plead for their vampire masters to take more and sob when it stopped despite the fact that they knew they were mere seconds from death. You need to remember Xander that a consort gains a large number of benefits from the partnership, immortality for example. They will live as long as their vampire, staying the same age they were when the bond was formed. They will only die if the vampire dies. However the partnership is somewhat one-sided, were anything to happen to the consort the vampire would continue to live, if he or she chose to” Xander was silent, taking it all in. He had read the information of course but it was different hearing it stated so baldly by Angel, however he had still made up his mind and that hadn’t changed. “And it wouldn’t work Xander” Angel added quietly, “you would have needed to be consorts before all this started”. And here was Xander’s opportunity to pull out his trump card, “yes, but if you remember you gifted me to him Angel, so many years ago back at the old high school remember? And as his acting Sire you could claim me as his consort, act on his behalf.” Angel paled, which when looking at an already pale vampire is a rather alarming sight. “Xander! I would never do that, it’s far too dangerous. For both of you! Consider it, Spike could be in any state when he wakes up, I’ve heard of vampire’s in healing coma’s as long as this one before and coming out of them almost feral for the first few days. He could wake and drain you within seconds. And if he did bite you? What about the chip? That’s what started this whole thing in the first place, it could kick in and do even more damage. Not to mention what it would do to him, if he hurt you, if he killed you Xander… he couldn’t take it. The pain in his soul would kill him as surely as anything else” Angel stopped suddenly, realising his mistake.


“Soul…” Xander whispered wonderingly, “he has a soul?” taking Angel’s silence as confirmation he asked “how? Why? When did this happen? What happened?” the questions came quicker and his voice grew louder with each one. “Xander, I shouldn’t have said anything, it’s not my place to tell the whole story, I know that Spike wanted to tell you, he was going to tell you he loved you and explain that he has a soul. It’s not like mine I can tell you that much, he’s not going to lose it or anything. As for how it’s possible, well, Spike has always had more humanity than any other vampire I’ve ever met, he has always had the capacity to love and frankly it used to terrify Angelus. Wes has a theory that Spike retained part of his soul when he was turned, how he got the rest of it back is a story he will have to tell you.”


Xander was reeling, it didn’t make a difference to him, not really, whether Spike had a soul or not. He had fallen in love with Spike without a soul and would love him if he had one or not. But he understood Spike’s agony at killing Ben now, not just the physical pain caused by the chip but he had to have been in emotional agony too. Xander had been barely able to do it himself and he had had a soul all his life and didn’t have a century of sins to feel guilt and remorse over on top of Ben’s death. Tears silently falling he understood the sacrifice Spike had made, his shop at redemption marred by the ending of an effectively innocent life, even if it was to save countless others. And it wasn’t like he had just had to sit by and watch it happen either, he had physically taken that life. “Angel, it must have destroyed him, to kill Ben. My God, I could barely do it but I had just gotten up the nerve to do it when he stopped me. He told me he couldn’t see it happen, not to me.” And Xander broke down, once again finding himself cradled in Angel’s strong arms whilst he wept and slowly he told the full story of what had happened to someone. The others all knew Spike had killed Ben and Xander had told them why, because he and Spike had decided that Ben was too dangerous to live, that Glory would come back and kill them all for Buffy’s act of mercy. He had made sure that Buffy knew he was glad that she had spared Ben, Buffy was a soldier of the light and couldn’t end a human life no matter what she had threatened before the battle with Glory. What he hadn’t told anyone was that he had decided to take Ben’s life and was stopped from doing so by the apparently dammed creature in their group who had selflessly taken on the responsibility themselves. When he had cried himself out he felt exhausted, he peered up at Angel and said “God, I’ll bet you’re sick of me always crying and breaking down like a girl” he tried to wriggle out of Angel’s embrace. “Xander” when Xander refused to meet Angel’s steady gaze he felt a large finger underneath his chin pushing his head up with a firm yet gentle pressure “little one, you are never to feel embarrassed in front of me. I have seen you fight against enemies that no human should have a snowball’s chance in hell against yet come out on top. You dragged me down to face the master and faced me down when I was Angelus with nothing more than your wits. Never be embarrassed to feel Xander, emotions are what make us human Xander, your capacity to feel is what made Spike fall in love with you. Never diminish yourself by hiding what you feel.” Xander gave a jerky nod, feeling overwhelmed by the praise Angel had directed his way. By some silent accord they rose, Angel steadying Xander until he felt OK to stand on his own. Xander mumbled to Angel that he was going to lie down for a bit and disappeared into the bedroom.


Angel stood silently with a concerned look on his face. He felt bad for slipping with Spike’s secret and he knew he would have some explaining to do to his boy when he woke but on the other hand he was relieved that he’d managed to sidetrack Xander from his dangerous thoughts of consort claimings, overall it was the lesser of 2 evils he supposed. Silently grabbing his jacket from the back of the couch he left the apartment to meet Buffy for patrol.
On the bed Xander lay silently on his back, one hand idly stroking through Spike’s hair, he knew Angel hadn’t meant to slip about Spike’s soul, however if he were a gambling man he’d bet everything he owned that Angel thought Xander was going to drop the subject of consort claimings in light of this new information. And he’d be right, it was a long shot that Angel would come on board with Xander’s plan but he had to try. So Xander would drop the subject in front of everybody and let them think that he had forgotten it, but he had some thinking to do and some plans to make.