Becoming I

TITLE: Becoming
AUTHOR: Willie J
EMAIL: wmj166@msn.com
WEB SITE: N/A
RATING: Eventually NC-17
DISCLAIMER: I don't own any part of Buffy et all, not Angel the Series.
FEEDBACK: Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! If you don't I'll huff and puff and pass out for lack of air
DISTRIBUTION: List Archives
SPOILERS: A whole heaping bunch of them....BTVS S2 and S3, Ats S1, S2 and S3
SUMMARY:
BETA'D BY: The Fabulous Loafersgloryboss (aka James)


Chapter 4


It was several months later, quite by accident, that they found out about Xander's other little problem one night and Holly why didn't seem to be gaining weight.

They were laughing one night in the kitchen, when Xander made a joking remark and vanished for several minutes, reappearing shaken by what he had seen in the other place. Angel, panicking for those few moments, searched frantically through the apartment for Xander holding a screaming Holly.

When Xander had appeared, bruised and looking shaken, it took everything Angel had in him not to grab the boy and chain him to his side.

"Just what the fuck just happened," he yelled furiously, rocking the crying baby, pacing angrily back and forth.

"You're asking me," Xander yelled back, waving his arms in the air, "I was talking to you and POOF! I'm someplace else, with all these strange looking people. If you wanna call them people. I was wandering around for hours, trying to figure out a way back home, when POOF! I'm back." He shuddered, "Those people were worse than New Yorkers!"

"You are going to see some people I know, I will not have you POOFing all over the place without knowing what the hell is going on," Angel roared angrily, his gameface on.

"Don't you go 'Grr' at me and stop cursing in front of Holly," Xander yelled just as angrily, "Like I knew what the hell happened; and fixed your face, you're scaring Holly," he snapped.

Angel opened his mouth, looked down at Holly and froze, "Uhm, Xander, you better come here," he said still looking at the baby.

Xander rushed over alarmed, peering down at his daughter, "But they said she wasn't gonna be a vampire," he protested taking her gently in his arms looking down into her face....at the delicate ridges on her brow and the soft golden eyes. He sat down heavily, rocking her gently until her face changed back to human. "And I've had her in the sun, dozens of times," he added bewilderedly.

"I'll call the doctors, tell them we're on our way," Angel said immediately, rushing to the car. They rushed to the doctor's office, grateful that the doctors kept demon hours, staying open 24 hours a day. They anxiously waited for the prognosis, sitting side by side with Xander clutching Angel's hand for support: not a vampire, but a dymphire. And the reason why the lack of weight gain....she needed blood, not a lot, just a small amount in her food.

Angel and Xander glanced at one another dismayed, "Mom and Dad are so gonna freak," Xander moaned, slumping against Angel.

He smiled at the dark head resting against his shoulder and slowly put his arm around Xander's shoulders, feeling his dead heart stir....it was a start.

Surprisingly enough the senior Harris' took the matter of a dymphire granddaughter in stride, with Macy fixing blood bottles for Holly and making bloodlaced cookies for Angel to eat on the way back to Sunnydale.


Keeping his word, he also dragged a furiously protesting Xander to see a knowledgeable friend.

It was there that they found out that Xander had the ability to 'Travel' through various dimensions. The physically older he got, the more dimensions he could travel to and as a side benefit, it was rumored that the majority of Travelers did not age while in other dimensions. So what could be years in another dimension would be the equivalent of maybe minutes, hours or even days here, Angel's friend told them.

His friend remarked, "It's good that you brought him here, I know of another Traveler that can begin training him immediately. It's very dangerous to have an untrained Traveler running around, they can sometimes be literally dragged to other worlds and spend years trying to get back, and by years, I mean our years," he added soberly and at this Xander looked terrified. "You are extremely fortunate, young man, that you managed to return by yourself, however, next time you may not be so fortunate," he said sternly seeing the mutinous look on Xander's face.

"But what if I don't do this Traveling thingie," Xander protested. He definitely didn't want to be going someplace else, he had enough problems getting around L.A. for Pete's sake....and who the Hell was Pete that everybody was saking?

"Xander, he said you might not have a choice about going," Angel said quietly, casting him a sidelong look.

Xander blinked at seeing the fear lurking in his eyes, "So, when do I start learning," he said grudgingly, and saw relief flare in Angel's eyes before they resuming their normal noncommittal expression. So it was arranged that Xander would begin to study with Cruz, a human Traveler. Thank God that Cruz was also a teacher, he was able to switch his G.E.D. class to studying with Cruz otherwise he would have been totally trashed by the time he got home in the evening.

But what Angel didn't know was that Xander's teacher was also a Natural mage.

Cruz, when he realized that in addition to being a Traveler, Xander was a Natural mage, tried to explain just how dangerous being a Natural was, "Naturals are individuals born with an innate magic as opposed to those that acquire a linkage to magic. Some people can go their whole lives unknowing of what's inside of them. HOWEVER, if that individual ever use their magic JUST once, they had to continue to use the magic, they couldn't afford to stop. To give you an analogy, magic is like a.....river of power, if you will. As long as you continues to use your magic, the power will flow clean, calm and effortlessly; now imagine you stop, saying that you won't use the magic anymore, shutting the door effectively....the power can't go forward and it can't go back. What do you think will happen," he said into the horrified young man.

"It'll spill over," Xander whispered, his eyes wide in alarm.

"Precisely, it will spill over into every portion of your body, seeking an outlet," he paused added softly, "I hear this manner of death can be excruciatingly painful."

Shuddering, Xander grimly threw himself into his studies, determined this was NOT gonna happen to him; but on the plus side Cruz, began taking him to different dimensions to learn various ways to defend himself, physically and magically. And finding the means to do a single spell preyed on his mind.

Angel, with the Harris' providing company for Xander and Holly, once again began traveling between Sunnydale and L.A.

Shuttling between Sunnydale and L.A., keeping Xander abreast of what was going on in Sunnydale was....interesting, Angel thought. Because he was now outside of the loop, discussing problems with Xander brought a new perspective to situations. It was Xander that came up with the idea to trick Faith, once he was told what was going on and what they suspected Faith was doing. He continued to talking to the boy, watching the pleasure shining in the dark eyes as he was once again involved in the Scooby gang's activities, although in a clandestine way, which thrilled the boy to no end. He was fond of strutting around the apartment saying, "Harris, Alexander Harris" in the worst British accent he had ever heard.

Xander stumbled out of bed at the sound of Holly whimpering---despite his parents being there he knew that he, well Angel too, was responsible for her. Afterall, they were the parents, he grimaced. Even after all this time, the weight gain, the unstable moods swings---he still was a little freaked to think of Holly with two fathers, especially considering that he was the other father in this little twisted family.

He staggered into Angel and recoiled instinctively, a flash of fear that he quickly suppressed at the sight of the other. He heard Holly's contented murmurs as she sucked vigorously on her bottle.

"Go back to bed, I got her," Angel ordered softly, holding the contented baby against his chest and settling in the rocking chair in the nursery, softly singing an Irish lullaby to her. Reminding himself why he fought so hard, why he needed to make sure that he survive the upcoming Ascension in Sunnydale. This would be his last chance to be with her before he had to leave for Sunnydale again.

Xander watched the tender scene for a few moments before quietly, thoughtfully going back to his bed. Lying there, he made a grim vow to redouble his efforts at practicing. There had to be a way, there had to be a way to do the spell! He just needed to work harder and turning over, he fell restlessly asleep.

Two days later, Angel left again for Sunnydale.

Angel reflected, on the eve of Graduation Day, how it was Xander that finally convinced him to go to Buffy's prom, telling him that he needed to go, to resolve things with Buffy. That after everything the two had went through to be together, they needed an...ending to, as Xander put it, to their Fractured Fairytale Romance. Yelling at him that if he wanted to end things with Buffy then just fuckin' do it, man. Their tortured affair was only hurting her....holding her back from finding true love; someone to possibly grow old with; someone that it had became painfully clear, wasn't going to be him.

He smiled slowly, remembering how angry the boy had been that he couldn't go back, to be a part of this battle....to be with his friends in their time of need. But one of them had to stay, to remain behind for Holly; better to have one actual living parent than to truly become an orphan. Fortunately, he had the Harris' on his side, he smirked.

He was truly grateful that they had agreed to stay. He watched as the boy hesitantly began spreading his shaky wings with his parents loving support and growing more secure each day, slowly developing into confident young man he was meant to be; he never thought he would be glad to see the old snarky Xander re-emerged.

Turning over in his bed, he prayed that he would make it back home safe and fell asleep.


SUNNYDALE-GRADUATION DAY 1999

"Willow, Oz let's take 'em down," Buffy yelled, above the screaming crowd, reaching into her jacket and pulling out a stake.

Willow also pulls a stake out of her dress and yells, "Everyone, hand to hand!"

Angel, in gameface, sends a vampire flying--then taking care of two others. His group is driving the vampires back up the steps, into the waiting stakes of the Sunnydale graduating class.

He sees one of the vampires turn and yell, "Get the kids!"

"Oh hell, no, not on my watch," he growled. He saw the other vampires turn to follow the other's lead only to find theirselves confronted with a mass of armed and angry teenagers toting baseball bats, crosses and stakes. Obviously, the students had the situation was well in hand. And who says that the youth today have no sense of responsibility, he smirked.

He saw a blond girl get attacked and another girl start whaling on her attacker with a bat.

Whirling around he saw Willow, struggling with another vampire and ran to help her yelling, "Right flank close in. Close!"

But she managed to push the vampire off, "Jason, Paul, you guys are right flank!" Making her voice heard over the confusion.

Angel punched another two vampires and he saw from the corner of his eye, Cordy staking a vampire with impressive style.

All around him, students were fighting, screaming. Some were even dying, but they fought on.

Suddenly the grounds were rocked with an explosion and Willow and Angel looked, falling backward.

More explosions erupted from the school as everyone ducked down protectively and he wrapped his arms around Willow as they looked at another explosion.

More explosions ripped all around the school. Raining debris all around them, bricks, glass, steel----and chunks of the former Mayor of Sunnydale splattered around them, on them....

....it was finally over.


Police cars and fire trucks were parked in front of the school. The air was dark and smoky as two fire men wheeled a gurney with a groaning Wesley over to an ambulance. Angel watched the people racing by helping the injured into the other waiting ambulance. He could just see Willow and Buffy talking, strolling past Wesley. He sighed as he saw Buffy looking around, he knew who she was looking for and he wasn't sure should actually go to her and say goodbye or simply disappear into the smoke.

He swallowed hard as she suddenly she turned around hesitantly, with a slight frown on her face, and their eyes locked. He watched as confusion crossed her face before understanding filled her eyes and her face fell. His vision of her was at first obscured by some firemen walking by, then by a cloud of smoke. As the smoke wafted between them, he came to his decision.

Stepping back, he turned slowly and walked away.

He could still feel her gaze on his back.

Xander paced restlessly back and forth, anxiously waiting for either Angel to call, letting them know that everything and everyone was safe or for him to arrive. He frowned, realizing just how much he missed in not being with his friends....his girls. He paced, muttering darkly to himself that they all had better be all right, including Deadboy, or he was gonna....he stopped abruptly at that thought, wondering when had the vampire had come to.....mean something to him, putting in Deadboy up in the category of....a good friend? he thought in puzzlement. Sure they had Holly in common but did that make them....friends, compadres, amigos or were they simply allies? He had always thought that he hated Dea...Angel for what Angelus had done and it was so not fair for him to really start liking Deadboy, he thought angrily. Stupid feeling always sneaking up on a guy, he sulked.

His parents watched his pacing and muttering bemusedly---they had thought the two would come to blows over the fact that Angel was refusing to let Alexander go back to Sunnydale, to be a part of the graduation activities. Having been a part of the conversation and planning of the Graduation battle, they were firmly on Angel's side in this.

It had taken all three, plus Holly to convince Alexander to stay away and wait for Angel to either call or come back. It was a crushing blow to their son's pride that he was not going to be part of the attack, to defend his friends from harm. They had at first been shocked and horrified at the situation developing in Sunnydale, the urgent way that Angel and Alexander planned the attack had finally convinced them just how dangerous Sunnydale had become and the dangers that their son had been putting himself through for years.


In the early hours of the morning as he was half-asleep on the couch, did Xander finally hear keys jingling in the door and shoved himself to his feet just as the door open. Feeling an agonizing relief fill him seeing Angel's bruised and battered face, to see the slow smile appear, silently letting him know all his friends were safe.

Shakily he sat down feeling his knees grow weak, exhaling slowly at the overwhelming release of the tension he had been feeling ever since Angel had left. "You didn't call," he accused shakily.

For an answer, Angel held up his shattered cell phone.

He looked up at the silently worried Angel and swallowed convulsively, "Now don't get the wrong idea, 'k," he said, standing and wiping sweaty palms on his pajamas, looking at Angel nervously.

Angel frowned, looking at him blankly and managed to get out "Wha....oomph," before Xander grabbed him in a quick tight hug before stepping back swiftly, looking immeasurably relieved.

"Just glad that..uhm, you are okay....you and everybody are, goodnight," Xander babbled quickly and ran to his bedroom, leaving a bewildered Angel alone in the living room.

He sighed and a w a weary hand through dirty hair, one of these days I'm really going to have to sit down and figure that boy out, still feeling the tingling warmth of the tight enfolding embrace.

Lying sleepless in his bed, thinking of the days' events, Xander finally realized just how cutoff he had felt knowing that the Scoobies and Angel were out battling the forces of evil, he grinned to himself, while he had to stay home. He realized WHY Angel made him stay back but...but, he sighed, these were his FRIENDS. Willow had been, was still his best friend yet he cut her out of his life because of what he thought were his hurt feelings, never giving her the opportunity to know....to understand the rapid changes going on in his life. Maybe she would have understood, maybe she wouldn't, but he never gave her the chance.

Waiting in the lonely hours for Angel to get home, something had finally clicked inside of his screwed up little mind: he hadn't left Sunnydale because of hurt feelings....he had left because he was ashamed! Ashamed that he had been raped.

He had always thought that if he was smart like Willow or strong like Buffy that maybe, just maybe he would have figured a way out of Angelus' trap or better yet, been able to kick his ass. But he hadn't been and that fact had been gnawing at him like a rat.... it could have just as easily have been Willow or even Buffy in his place with the same results...and that's when it hit him WHY Angelus had chosen him...because Angelus thought it would be more devastating to break him. He was not to blame that he had been raped and Buffy was not the blame for not saving him from Angelus--- the only one to blame in all of this was Angelus.

Angel had proven to him time and again, that no matter how much he was provoked, that he was not Angelus, that he was not going to hurt him, yell at him a lot but never physically hurt him. And with that realization, he felt as if a huge invisible weight had lifted from his shoulders, falling asleep for the first time, it seemed in years, without nightmares.

Jack stumbled into the kitchen yawning, carrying Holly, a little startled to see Angel sitting at the kitchen table.

" 'Lo," he mumbled, opening the refrigerator and grabbing a bottle of bloodlaced milk and warming it slightly. Sitting down, he looked gratefully at Angel, who had poured him a cup of coffee and was taking Holly from him.

"So, how did it go yesterday," he asked after taking his first appreciative sip, give a quick kiss to his wife as she entered.

"It went pretty much okay," Angel said quietly, watching as an unusually sober Xander entered the kitchen. He arched a brow at Xander who flushed a little, both remember the quick, impulsive embrace last night.

"Yeah, Alexander wouldn't go to bed until you got home," Jack teased, watching his redfaced, sputtering son.

"Oh yes, he was pacing back and forth up a storm, for hours," Macy chuckled, ignoring Xander's strangled "Mom!" "Every little noise we heard outside had him rushing to the door, hoping it was you. It was so sweet," she shook her head amusedly at her embarrassed son.

Determined to ignore Mr. and Mrs. Blabbermouths, Xander closed his eyes and took a deep steadying breath and turned to Angel. Flushing at the amused gleam in Angel's eyes.

"So tell," he urged, grabbing cereal and milk, kissing Holly's cheek.

"Well, surprisingly enough it was Willow that manage to organize the entire graduating class in quite a formidable army," Angel began.

"Yea Willow!" Xander said with an excited, pleased grin.

"Cordy and Oz got the school wired and the school went Boom! Oh, by the way, Principal Snyder got eaten by the Mayor," Angel added as an afterthought.

Xander shook his head in mock sorrow, "It couldn't have happen to a better man."

"Alexander," Macy started laughing, remembering the stories Xander told of the horrible little man.

Xander gave her an unrepentant grin before he looked down at the table.

The others exchanged bewildered looks, knowing that something was wrong with him this morning.

Xander took a deep breath, saying casually, "Hey Angel, I was thinking about seeing a head shrinker, think you know any," he said looking up with a shaky smile.

Angel blinked, "No, but I can find one," he said huskily, sharing a pleased look with the senior Harris'.

"Thanks Deadboy," Xander felt the tension seep out of him, he should have know that Dead....Angel wouldn't make an issue out it.

Now, one more thing to do, he thought pushing back his chair and picking up the phone, he dialed a familiar number.

Taking a deep shaky breath at the sleepy 'Hello' at the other end, he said, "Hey Wills, I heard you guys had a pretty explosive graduation."

At the other end, Willow sat up with a jerk, disturbing the still sleeping Oz, "Xander," she whispered, wondering if she was still dreaming.

"Yeah, it's me," she heard the familiar voice and began crying, hearing him start crying too.

And behind Xander, the others looked at each other with pleased smiles and quietly snuck away.

After that first initial call, he and Willow spent long hours on the phone, with him telling her a carefully edited version, okay a great freakin' lie, about why he left.

Since she couldn't see him, she had no way of knowing that he was lying through his teeth. She would be mad later on, but hey, he'll deal with that later.

They spent well over two months, just talking on the phone. Struggling to reconnect with each other, trying desperately to rebuild the friendship they once shared. Of course, he felt guilty with his big lie, but he just didn't want to mess things up and he didn't know he would have the courage to tell them the truth.

So, the edited version was: Angelus had hurt him really bad and he just couldn't stay in Sunnydale anymore, feeling like he had let them down. He shouldn't have run, he should have stayed and talked with them, blah blah blah. He had to practice his lie several times before he was able to do it convincingly enough.

He made it kinda clear that other than that brief statement he really didn't want to discuss it any longer. And Willow, being the sweet, naïve girl that she was--allowed him to get away with it. Thank God she was nothing like Cordy, she would have badgered him to death until he told her the truth. That was one reason why he was staying the Hell away from Angel’s other apartment, he shuddered, like he really wanted to run into Cordy. Angel had already told him about how she wiggled her way into making Angel hire her. He smiled, that’s his Cordy!

They talked and talked. He made sure that they understood that he would not be returning to Sunnydale, he had a new life now. Of course he had to do some fast talking just to kept them from visiting him, and definitely making sure that they didn't surprise him with a visit.

It was only after Buffy threatened to find out his address that he promised to come back to Sunnydale for a visit.

So, reluctantly he headed for Sunnydale in late September and after a round of arguing with Angel, which he had won, Yea me! he took the Greyhound to Sunnydale, leaving Angel and his parents to look after Holly.

He sniffled, leaving Holly had to be the hardest thing he ever did. Sure he knew his parents would take care of her, but he made Angel promise to stay at the apartment anyhow. He just didn't want Holly to be totally without both her parents.

She was getting to be a real handful anyhow. Already crawling around the apartment, getting into things when no one was looking. They had quickly made the apartment babyproof, especially making sure that all the electrical outlets were covered, he shuddered, if Angel hadn't seen what she was doing....

He smiled proudly, remembering how Mom and Dad said that she was pretty big for her age; they thought that Holly would begin walking within any minute. He just hoped that she didn't decided to begin walking until he was at least home. It was too bad that he couldn't share this with Buffy and Willow, he just hoped that Oz wasn't around to blow his cover. It was going to be a long two weeks of constantly dodging their questions, he sighed as the bus pulled into the depot.

As he was collecting his bags he heard a squeal and had just enough time to turn and brace himself before he had his arms full of a happy redhead and a screaming blonde. Over their heads he saw a couple of the men give him envious looks. He smirked and pulled Buffy and Willow closer, just inhaling their scents, feeling a little tearful himself, but manfully controlled his tears.

"You big pheadhead," Willow said tearfully, pulling back and pinching him, ignoring his wince of pain, "How dare you run away like that?"

Buffy smacked him on the back of his head, "Yeah, what she said! You got a problem, you come to us before you take off and do something stupid like that." She looked searchingly at him, "Running away don't really solve your problem, you know," she said softly.

"Yeah, I kinda figured that out after the first two months," he said, quickly grabbing a bag while Buffy grabbed another and headed for the car and the Summers' house.

They had him settled in the Summers' spare bedroom, quickly explaining that she and Willow would be sharing Buffy's bedroom.

He tried on a leer for size, "Oooo a little girl-on-girl action. Maybe you girls would like to make a Xander sandwich, with nothing but Xandergoodness inside," he rubbed his hands with glee. God, how he missed his girls!

Willow and Buffy looked at each other and fell on him with screams of joy. Pelting his cringing, laughing body with pillows. Feeling all the warm connections snap into place. They missed him so much!

Downstairs, Joyce and Giles had just arrived and exchanged please smiles, and hurried up the stairs eager to greet the returning young man. Stopping in wonder a the scene in the bedroom.

"Uhm, Mom, I can explain," Buffy said hastily, blowing a feather from her lips. She looked around at the feathers floating all over the place and groaned silently.

Xander and Willow had froze, looking like downy chickens. All three were liberally covered in feathers.

Despite themselves, Joyce and Giles felt their lips twitch in amusement at their guilty, feathery faces.

Sternly, Joyce said, "I want this room cleaned up before you come downstairs....and Xander is good to have you back," before she and Giles hurried away. They just made it to the kitchen when their giggles erupted.

Buffy listened closely, relaxing as she heard them laughing downstairs.

"You think they're really mad," Willow said in small voice, clutching at Xander's hand.

"Nah, I can hear them cracking up, but we might not get any pizza tonight if we don't get this room cleaned," Buffy said glancing around at the feather decked room.

"We?! Whaddaya mean 'We'? I," Xander took a haughty tone, "Did not have a pillow, I was not beating a poor defenseless young man with a pillow, I...," he was interrupted by Buffy who leaned over....

"....will get a good whack upside the head if you don't shut up and make with the cleaning," she threatened.

Xander looked thoughtfully at the stern Buffy and the resolved face Willow was wearing, "Ah, excellent point."

With laughter, they quickly cleaned the room, fetching more pillows for the bed, before taking themselves downstairs, feeling the call of the Pizza God, luring them. They talked, laughed around slices of pizza with Xander giving them the same story he had told Willow. Unfortunately, he could see by the tensing around her eyes that she didn't believe a word out of his mouth. He breathed a sigh of relief that she let it go, but he knew by the look in her eye that she would soon be demanding the truth.


Xander sighed as he got into bed after making a swift call home on his cell phone to check on Holly. Reassured by Angel that everything was okay, quietly asking him how was he doing. With a shaky breath he poured out his thoughts and feeling, knowing that Angel was listening and understanding his uncertainty and fear. Feeling surprisingly comforted by Angel's understanding, he finally hung up after saying Goodnight to his parents and Holly.

He heard a know on the door and called, "Come in." He was not very surprised to see Willow and Buffy standing in the doorway.

"Hey, big boy, we couldn't sleep, so we thought we would make your dream come true with a Xandersandwich," Buffy said sexily as she shashayed over to the bed.

Willow gave him her best 'Come hither' look, crossing her eyes and stumbling to the bed. Smiling at the choked laughter from Xander.

She and Buffy pounce on their wiggling, laughter friend. Tickling him unmercifully, settling down with a guilty start as they heard Buffy's mom shouting at them to 'Go to sleep!'

Hushing each other between fits of giggles, they pulled all the covers off the bed, spreading them on the floor. With Xander in the middle, they talked long into the night before the pauses between their words became longer and they fell slowly to sleep. Life was good.


Joyce woke up, showered and changed. She tapped lightly on Buff's door, calling to the girls to get them up for breakfast and school. Then tapping lightly on Xander's door, calling him to get up.

She swiftly finished making breakfast and frowned as she failed to hear feet stumbling around upstairs. She went back up and tapped again on Buffy's door, then opening it....no Buffy or Willow.

With a thoughtful frown, she went to Xander's room, hoping that he would perhaps know where the girls had snuck off and when had they left. Knocking lightly on his door, then peeking in, her frown deepen as she saw the stripped bed. She quietly entered the room and looked on the other side of the bed and her frown cleared.

A soft smile lit her face as she took in the sight of the three heads cuddled under the covers. She quietly backed out of the room. Maybe Buffy and Willow can miss a couple of days from school.


Despite his separation from Holly plaguing him, he had fun once again just being with Buffy and Willow. He was surprised to hear that Cordy was had left Sunndydale. Of course, it only made sense seeing as how her parents were now broke. Come on now, who ‘accidentally’ forgot to pay the IRS…for years?

He heard about the Parker incident and totally agreed that Buffy should've kicked his sorry ass. He even offered to go find the son-of-a-bitch and give him a good ass whooping. But Buffy had said that she had already move on and said that she would introduce him to the New Guy.

He even got to sit in on their classes as school, all their teachers were really nice to him, he frowned, except for that Psych teacher. She was a real cold ass bitch though. He didn't let on to Buffy either just how much he detested that Riley dude. There was just something about that big guy that set off all his instinctive alarms. He just wanted to grab Buffy, Joyce, Willow and Giles and get the hell out of Sunnydale.

He just hoped Buffy dumped the asshole as soon as possible. He had a feeling that ole wily Riley was dangerous, really dangerous.


Finally, his two weeks came to a regretable end. There were tears, hugs and kisses from his womenfolk and a manly handshake from Giles, before he was pulled into a swift non-regulation British hug.

"Hey, G-man, you kept this emotional hugging thing going and they might just revoke your Britishness. Remember, 'Stiff upper lip' pip pip," Xander joked shakily, feeling his eyes stinging.

He peeked at Giles and sighed in relief, at least he wasn't the only guy feeling emotional and teary eyed.

He hugged them one last time before boarding the bus. Waving frantically, until they fell behind and he was on his way home.

Hopefully, he would get enough courage to finally confess what really had happened last year.


September passed slowly. For once, Xander was grateful for the slow and lazy month because when Spike arrived, chasing after Angel for that Gem of Amarra all he did was bring trouble down on everyone. And that great big idiot, Angel never even bothered to call him to let him know the stupid fucker was in town until after it was all over. Showing up like that all covered in bruises and holes, nearly gave him a heart attack, and he was much to young to die like that.

Angel pulled the ring off Marcus' finger and watched as he turned to dust in the blazing sun. He stared as the ring before slowly putting it on his hand, and hesitantly steps out from under the pier blinking at the sun, looking around in wonder. Distantly he could hear Cordy asking him if he was alright and replying to her that he was okay.

He looked at Oz, "Thanks for the help, man. You were key."

"You're - - incredibly pale," Oz said looking him up and down.

He lost himself in feeling the warmth of the sun on his face, his hands and slowly closed his eyes. He could still hear them talking. And the one thing that Cordy said struck him like a whiplash...

"Look, you should lie down. We should take you home," Cordy said worriedly.

Doyle quietly said, "Just give him a minute."

He finally turned to them, "There's something, someone that I have to go see. You guys go home, I'll see you tomorrow. And Oz, thanks again."

He raced to the apartment arriving just as Xander was dressing Holly, quickly explaining what had happened. Just giving the boy time to admire the ring before grabbing Xander, Holly and her diaper bag, dragging them the park.

They stay at the park for half the day, with Xander eating hot dogs, simply watching the people parade past. Then they went shopping for clothes for Holly. Every day things that a father did for his daughter. Before returning to the park.

Xander watched Angel staring at the setting sun, cradling Holly.

"So beautiful," he heard Angel whisper.

Quietly he asked, "How long has it been between sunsets?"

"200 years, give or take," was the equally quieter response.

"Well, you got to be feeling pretty damn good then, huh? I mean this ring - it changes everything, don't it? Yeah, it's spectacular, I know. But I do promise that there will be another one exactly like it tomorrow," Xander was puzzled by the sadness he could feel coming from Angel.

Angel swallowed hard, "Not for me."

"Whaddaya mean, not for you? It's not like the city will be hit by a meteor before tomorrow night or....," he stopped looking quickly at Angel, praying that he was wrong.

"No," Angel whispered, holding Holly closer, knowing that this was the last time he would be able to share this moment with her.

"No, don't even say it, man. This is your chance....your perfect opportunity to walk in the daylight with Holly, to take her to school and stuff," Xander whispered, "Don't do this."

Angel sighed, "I'm not going to wear the ring, besides she has you to do those things with." His mind was made up.

"Anybody tell you that you got a real addiction to the brooding part of life, huh?" Xander poked at Angel's shoulder in irritation.

Angel blinked and laughed softly, "Once or twice." He watched the colors of the sunset change, deepening.

Xander sighed before sinking into in the grass, "Talk to me, Deadboy. Explain it to me. I thought this ring was part of your redemption. Ain't what you've been waiting for?"

"Nah, it just looks like it," Angel shook his head, stroking Holly's back.

Xander voice was soft, "Angel, man, think what you're saying."

"I have, I've thought of itm evm every angle, and what I figure is I did a lot of damage in my day, more than you can imagine." Angel voice was level as he finally glanced over at Xander, seeing the distress on the boy's face.

Xander frowned at him, "So what, you don't get the ring because your period of self-flagellation isn't over yet? I mean think of all the daytime people you could help between 9 and 5."

"They have help. The whole world is designed for them, so much that they have no idea what goes on around them after dark. They don't see the weak ones lost in the night, or the things that prey on them. And if I join them, maybe I'd stop seeing, too." He saw Xander shake his head in firm refusal.

Xander tried another approach, "And who'd look out for all the insomniacs?"

"I was brought back for a reason, Xander, and as much as I would like to kid myself, I don't think it was for 18 holes at Rancho."

They watched the sun sink below the horizon.

With a sigh, Angel handed Holly to Xander. Taking off the ring, he picked up a big rock and smashed it.

At the green flash of light, he gave one last wistful look around the park, fixing the sunfilled day in his memory before turning to Xander.

"I don't know about you, but I had a nice day. You know, except for the bulk of it, where I was nearly tortured to death."

"Yeah, well, you stood up," Xander rolled his eyes at Angel as they walked back to the apartment.

"Oh, god. I was this close to telling him everything. I mean, one more hot poker and I was giving him the ring, your mom, everything. Oh, by the way did your mom make some more cookies?"

A month later....

Xander had a feeling that his quiet peacefulness wouldn't last for very much longer. He had finally found a balance with taking care of Holly, making sure her busy little fingers didn't get into Angel paperwork, going to college part-time and studying with Cruz . With his little monster now walking, she was twice as active, stumbling around the apartment. Her favorite place being the kitchen and removing all the pots and pans, enthusiastically banging on them. For some crazy reason, his parents found her antics totally amusing which he totally didn't get, he was never this bad when HE was a kid. He would remember if he was. Holly was running him ragged. He needed a vacation.

He frowned darkly, allright, it was time for Angel to do his fatherly duty and take care of her while he took a day off.

With that decision made, he had nearly finished giving Holly her bath when his mom called him to the phone. Sighing, he looked around at the wet bathroom, at the happily splashing girl and just gathered her up in a towel. Cleaning could wait until he got her into bed.

He handed her to his mom and took the phone, jerking it away from his ear at the scream he heard from Willow when he said hello.

"Willow, calm down! Just calm down, take a deep breath and tell me what's wrong," he shouted into the phone.

Macy turned her head, hearing him shouting at Willow. She saw his face pale alarmingly and he swayed where he stood before gently putting the phone back down in the cradle with a blank look on his face.

"Alexander. Alexander, what is it," she asked softly and gasped at the look of despair in his eyes.

"They know Mom, they know," Xander said softly. He took Holly gently from her arms and disappeared in his bedroom.

She heard the lock click.

She immediately called Angel and explained what had happen, breathing a sigh of relief when he said he was on his way..


Xander sat crosslegged on his bed playing with Holly. If Angel could be the King of Brood, well he was gonna be the Prince of Brooding. He was aware of his parents and Angel standing outside his door, but he ignored them. Preferring to play with Holly, letting the adoration in her eyes comfort him. If he lost Willow and Buffy over this then.....then the Hell with them both!

Holly loved him, his parents loved him and Angel was kinda, sorta his friend.

He blew a raspberry on Holly's stomach and her shrieks of laughter went a long way to healing him. He knew that eventually he would have to face his parents and Angel. He just needed a little more time to come to grips with the telephone call and get the strength to face Willow and Buffy.

It took some encouragement before Xander finally crept from his bedroom, looking lost and alone. Angel closed his eyes in rage at the unthinking actions of the Scoobies. He carefully did not allow his anger at the Scoobies to show on his face, well aware of the fierce loyalty the boy had for his friends. It took a good couple of days of steady talking before that awful look went away in the Xander's eyes.

Angel had the feeling that it was the unconditional love from Holly that eventually pulled the Xander out of the shell he had retreated. Maybe now, with the truth out in the open, Xander could fully heal himself.


It took some time before Xander felt strong enough to make the call to Sunnydale, to Willow just to talk to her before he finally asked her to meet him in L.A. He didn't know if seeing Willow, now that she knew part of the truth, would make all his old insecurities resurface.

But he had to do this, that dumbass Spike had spilled the beans about Angelus, about the rape. Sure he was stronger after all these months of therapy but it still threw him when she had called and started screaming into the phone about the lies Spike was telling them about Angelus, asking him, begging him to deny everything Spike had told them. All he could do was hang up the phone and that was answer enough.

He was savagely glad that Spike had been chipped, he just wished that they had put a fuckin' muzzle on the bastard too! He had begged her not to tell Buffy that what Spike had said was true, but he could tell by the silence that it was too late.

Buffy already knew.

He sat restlessly shifting in his chair in the restaurant, waiting for Willow. Something made him glance up and he saw the maitre'd pointing him out to Willow. He stood up apprehensively, searching her eyes as she approached. At the sight of her tears, he opened his arms and felt the solid weight of her land against his chest. Feeling the sobs shake her too slender body.

"Shh, shh, Willow," he kept trying to calm her down, vaguely hearing her muffled 'I'm sorry' repeated over and over. He knew that the restaurant was no place for this meeting and signaling the waiter, with one arm still wrapped firmly around her shoulders, he signed the check and left the restaurant.

"Where are we going," he heard Willow say and he stopped.

He gave her a wary look, "My place if it's okay with you," and waited for her reply.

Willow wiped hastily at her face, "Will we talk there," she asked huskily, searching his eyes seeing him dropped his gaze uncomfortably.

He sighed heavily, before looking at her, "Yeah, we'll talk."

Between crying and yelling, they talked and talked.

With Willow finally getting a glimmer of what Xander must had gone through, struggling without support of friends or family, trying to build a with a new life for himself and a child.

To know that Xander had to practically go through all this alone, shamed her despite his reassurance that Angel had helped him. Here she was railing at him for not telling her, them the truth while all the time he was struggling through an almost unbearable situation. A young man raped, an impossible pregnancy and then forced to depend on someone that wore the face of his rapist, someone he once considered an enemy. She shook her head, Xander had more courage and was far stronger than he realized.

And despite still wanting to kill Angel or hurt him really, really bad, she was…grateful as she saw the changes in Xander. He had changed so much, no longer the goofy friend she grew up with, he had finally grown to become the man she always knew he could and would be.

Holly was one lucky little girl, she thought as she left L.A.

Xander lay in his bed, still dressed staring blankly at the ceiling. He heard the knocking on his door, and tried to ignore who ever it was. He felt the sleeping Holly stir restlessly on his chest and patted her back, soothing her back to sleep.

"Xander, I know you're in there so I'm coming in whether you like it or not," he heard Angel say.

Sheesh! Can't a guy get an angst in peace for once. When Angel wants to brood do I interrupt him and try to get him to talk about his problems, he thought indignantly. Hell no, I figure if the guy wants to talk then he'll talk when he ready, in a roundabout, indirect kinda way. He was pretty sure there was an unwritten, double underlined rule about it....Men did just NOT talk about their feelings! They let their problems gnaw at their insides until either they developed an ulcer or got a big bloody hole in their side.

The door opened spilling light into the darken bedroom.

"So Willow left," Angel said, trying to get Xander to open up. He was concerned since the boy was always talking and when he didn't talk....it made him feel anxious.

Xander sneered. There's nothing like Angel stating the freakin' obvious...again. He sighed almost silently.

"Look Xander, I'm just trying to help," Angel said softly, trying carefully not to wake Holly. He struggled silently with the Man Code for a few moments before he heard himself blurt out, "Do you want to talk about it?"

Xander turned his head incredulously at Angel, "What did you just ask me?" He couldn't believe that Angel broke the rule. Oooooh, THEY were so gonna kick Angel out of the club for sure!

Angel rolled his eyes, "I said did you want to talk about it," he was determined to get this over and done with. He had learned quickly that Xander's constant talking was like a barometer of his mood. A Talky Xander -good. Quiet moody Xander – not good.

"So what happened," Angel said softly, coming over to sit on the edge of the bed.

Xander sighed, looking at the ceiling again, "Apparently, Spike smelled me on you about a month ago with that Gem thingamabob. Buffy pissed him off one too many times and to get back at her, he spilled the beans about Angelus....and me." No sense letting Dead...Angel hang out there by himself, he might as well join him outside the Men's Club.

"Sh..," Angel bit off the word before it had a chance to leave his mouth, he could see the gleam of tears in the boy's eyes. "So, how did they take the news, then," he said with enforced calm.

"Well, Buffy will probably be heading your way with a stake in one hand and a gallon of Holy Water in the other. Giles, on the other hand is a sneaky bastard, I imagine he will be gifting you with a two-by-four and maybe a crowbar in a dark alley, so you better be careful. I think I managed to get Willow from turning you into a frog, but I'll still watch myself if I was you, especially if you feel the desire to start eating flies," Xander tried to joke, feeling tears clog his throat.

Angel said softly, "And by Spike's smelling you on me, they figured out that you're with me."

"Give the man a cigar," Xander said smiling mockingly, feeling tears trickle down from the corner of his eyes. "I called Buffy with Willow here.....this time I don't think we can make things right between us. It's gonna take something powerfully strong to make me even think about talking to her again." He blinked furiously, trying to steam his tears. He still couldn't believe some of the things she had screamed at him, that she called him.

"What did she she say," Angel said quietly, rage seething inside him. Holly stirred restlessly, making tiny whimpering sounds.

Xander glanced down at the fretting baby, before looking up, "Will you calm down," he whispered fiercely. "That's why I didn't want to tell you anything, you're always overreact. If I talk to much, you want me to shut up, if I don't talk you hunt me down and make me talk. You're just about to cross that line, buddy!"

Angel blinked under the torrent of words, his rage forgotten, "What line?"

Xander blew out an explosive breath, "The unwritten rule that Men. Don't. Share. Their. Feeling. They are supposed to hold them inside until the feeling either turn into an ulcer or gnaw their way out. Sheesh! For someone as old as you, you should know these things by now." He gave a sidelong look at Angel, glad to see the rage die down a little in Angel's eyes. The last thing he needed right now is for Angel to get medieval on Buffy.

Angel bowed his head in mock repentance, "Please do forgive me for my unseemly lapse in judgment," he said before looking up, seeing the relief in Xander's eyes. "You still love her, don't you," he said quietly watching stroking Holly's back absently.

"I don't love-love her, if that's what you're getting at," Xander said thoughtfully, releasing Holly into Angel's custody. He sat up, wrapping his arms around his knees, "I was in love with a dreamBuffy, the golden girl that I imagined her to be. Not that I'm saying that the real Buffy not worthy of being loved and stuff, it's just that being the Slayer and all...," he shrugged uncomfortably.

"She just has to do a lot more growing up to do," Angel finished for him, watching the startled understanding flicker on Xander's face.

"Yeah, she does," Xander sighed quietly, looking down at his bed.

He heard more than felt Angel get up and leave. Leaving the door ajar, spilling a little light in his darken bedroom.