Dreams and Nightmares

A/N Warning: Suicide attempt

Part 4

Over the next few days Buffy tried to live as normal as possible. Her nightmares continued but at least now she could talk to Willow and Tara about them. She tried tend end as much time with Dawn as possible. In the evenings, she and Dawn would chat endlessly about ‘sister stuff’ and Dawn reveled in the attention. She knew that it wouldn’t always be like this. Buffy patrolled a few times, of course, when she did, Spike was never more than a few feet away from her. They still didn’t speak about it and Spike respected her need to wait.

Giles took Buffy to her appointment. He felt odd about it at first but just one look at Buffy told him just how scared she was. She needed Giles, not her watcher. They entered the building and were shortly escorted to the doctor’s private office where a middle aged, blonde haired woman was anxiously awaiting them. As soon as they walked in they were greeted by a huge smile. Dr. Sydney Claiborne’s manner put Buffy at ease immediately. She reminded her of Joyce a bit. After the introductions and general information questions, she took Buffy into the examination room and drew some blood and placed it into a machine that looked somewhat like a centrifuge, although its function was quite different. Then she had her change while she talked with Giles a bit longer.
Buffy could hear their conversation and it appeared they were talking about her being a slayer and some of her unique physiological attributes and how they might affect her pregnancy, as well as her training and slayer duties. They also talked about the father being a vampire and how that may contribute as well. Although they never mentioned it out loud, it was clear that before they had arrived Giles had already explained, in some detail, the unfortunate circumstances under which the child was conceived. Buffy was quite relieved that she wouldn’t have to face any embarrassing questions and have to get into that herself.
Minutes later the doctor returned and smiled broadly at her again, she had such a motherly air. She walked over to the machine that ran the magic-enhanced pregnancy test and checked the results. Apparently, the regular tests didn’t always work when demons were involved.
“Well, Ms. Summers, I’d like to congratulate you on your first pregnancy.” Her voice was full of infectious enthusiasm. Buffy couldn’t help but smile. Dr. Claiborne then leaned in and spoke conspiratorially.
“I do have to tell you though, I’ve never treated a slayer/vampire pregnancy before, I mean, slayers rarely, if ever, get pregnant, especially with that stuffy old Watchers’ Council keeping leashes on them, and even less so by a vampire. So, I am truly honored, not to mention completely excited, to be the first person on record to handle such a remarkable case.” Buffy laughed. “And by the way Buffy, feel free to call me Sydney.”

Sydney examined her, casually explaining what she was doing and why. In the privacy of the examination room she also took a more detailed personal history. In talking, Buffy learned that Dr. Claiborne was a former watcher who had gotten fed up with the Council’s methods fairly early in her career. Apparently she and Giles had studied together and held a lot of the same beliefs. They’d kept in touch over the years. After leaving the Watchers’ Council, Sydney decided to merge her medical and watcher training after meeting a young girl who was pregnant by a Vorash demon. According to Sydney, it was quite the experience because the kid was apparently more Vorash than human and there is very little known about Vorash physiology, for one thing, the gestational period is 11 months, not the nine for humans. Anyway, the birth was a success and that young lady told a friend who told another friend and pretty soon Sydney had clients coming out of her ears. So, she found a small niche market, which was larger than she had ever expected.
Sydney’s conversational style was so unusual, throwing in anecdotes as she worked but Buffy loved it. It was easy to forget that she was in a doctor’s office. She told Buffy all she knew about vampire/other pregnancies, which wasn’t a lot because they were quite rare, plus the other parent was always of demonic origin. The thing though was that she’d never heard of a vampire/human pregnancy, let alone vampire/slayer. In her experience however, the pregnancies didn’t vary much, if at all, from the average pregnancy for the species of the non-vamp parent. So, she didn’t see any reason for Buffy’s pregnancy to be too different from the average human, especially since vamps were formerly humans anyway. In any case, they planned to meet every two weeks, just to be safe.
When everything was finished and Buffy was dressed, they returned to the main office where Giles waited. He was relieved to see the smile on Buffy’s face, that she was ok with it.

After leaving, they stopped for lunch because, not surprisingly, Buffy was starving and then went back to the Magic Box. Giles was surprised that Buffy didn’t want to return home. Instead she wanted to train until Dawn got out of school. He got the feeling that she didn’t want to be alone just then. When they arrived at the Magic Box, everyone was there except for Xander and Anya. Anya had gone to see a supplier. Buffy headed into the back. Giles simply nodded in confirmation when Willow and Tara cast him questioning glances.
After training for just over an hour, Buffy emerged and plunked down next to Willow. She looked at her and said,
“Well, Aunt Willow, looks like there’ll be the pitter patter of little feet around the house soon.” Willow smiled and hugged her.
A few moments later, Dawn burst through the door. She was out of breath, it seemed she ran all the way from school to the shop. “So, what happened? What happened?” Her excitement was contagious.
“Yes, Dawn, I am…” but before Buffy could finish a loud squeal followed by hysterical giggles erupted from her sister and in a whirlwind of movement, Buffy was dragged up from her seat and nearly strangled by Dawn’s enthusiasm. Clearly Dawn was excited. “Have you told Spike?” The teen was practically bouncing off the walls.
“He knows already but I’ll see him tonight and let him know what the doctor said.” y coy couldn’t help feel excited too. Dawn’s energy was so overwhelming. After a bit more hugging and chatting, the two headed home. Buffy planned to patrol that night with Spike. Before they left, Giles told her he was planning to tell Xander.

Before confronting Xander, Giles called L.A. He had planned to wait for Angel to return to Sunnydale to tell him in person but he needed Wesley to do some research on the prophecy right away and he wouldn’t tell Wesley without telling Angel first. After going over trophrophecy and all the information that they had gathered, Angel was speechless. Then he was angry. ‘How could they?’ His outrage was palpable and Giles was rather glad that he decided to tell him over the phone instead of face to face. After Angel ranted for a while he began to calm. He loved Buffy still and he would support her. Giles couldn’t tell what his feelings were but he did agree to come to Sunnydale that following weekend.

About 30 minutes after his tense conversations with both Angel and Wesley, Xander walked in and was soon followed by Anya. Giles was weary and he didn’t feel in the mood for this but he didn’t think they could keep this secret for long, especially with Dawn flying around, bursting into places and blurting out sensitive information. So, he decided to bite the bullet and get it over with. He knew he’d need a tall drink by the time he was done.
“Xander, uh… we need to talk to you about a rather, um, sensitive issue.” Giles decided to start as gently as possible. “It’s about Buffy.”
Xander sat, his complete attention on the watcher. “Is she ok?” He looked like he was on the verge of tears.
“Uh, yes, she is ok but you, and Anya, must know that she is pregnant.” Xander’s eyes nearly bugged out of his head.
“PREGNANT?” Xander shouted. He stood and started pacing. “When? How? What?” He took a deep breath and began again. “When did this happen?”
“Well, from what we know, several weeks back.”
“I knew something woingoing on with all the secret looks and stuff going on around here lately. So, where is she?” Then, he looked pensive for a moment and then almost as an afterthought. “Um… wait a minute, I didn’t know she was seeing anyone.” Then he gasped, “Oh God! Don’t tell me this was like a one night stand thing.”
Giles really felt like smacking him. Anya remained uncharacteristically quiet. From how everyone had been acting recently, she knew there was a lot more to this story.
“No, no, it wasn’t quite like that.” Giles looked lost and glanced at Willow for help.
Before Willow could respond, Xander continued “Well, who is the father?”
“Well, um, see that’s the thing, well one of the many things actually, you see we’re not exactly sure. It, it, could be one of two people.” Xander looked incredulous. Giles knew it sounded bad but that was the case.
“Do you mean to tell me that Buffy let herself get knocked up and she isn’t sure who did it?” The entire group flinched at Xander’s crude words.
“Well, now you see the operative word here is ‘let’. Now would you please sit down and listen to everything I need to tell you.” Giles’ patience was running thin.

When Xander had finally settled, Giles went into everything, from the trap in Dutton, Travers, and Spike and Angel to Buffy’s pregnancy. Xander was shocked to say the least. Then he bolted out of his chair and started muttering nonsensical phrases, including something about his friend Jesse and how you can’t trust vamps. He was visibly angry. Then his words started to make sense and the Scoobies were beyond appalled. Giles was so glad that Buffy was nowhere nearby to hear this.

“I told her, I told her. She should have killed those two… things… before they could do something like this to her. What was she thinking? But no, she has to be friends with them, has to fall in love with them and then look what happens. They turn around and rape her, together and then claim they were on some kind of vamp-Ecstasy, oh, PLEASE! I really hope she’s learnt her lesson. She’s getting rid of it right?” That’s when Giles lost it. He shot up from his seat and gripped Xander firmly by the arm in full Ripper mode. When he spoke his voice was low and menacing.

“Now, you listen to me you pillock, if I hear you say anything to her like the trash that just left your mouth you will have to deal with me. Are YOU implying that this is some punishment for forming the alliances that she has? Are YOU trying to say that she deserved this? You seem to think that Spike or Angel had much choice in this. Did you not hear what I said about the gas? Did you not hear that Quentin Travers, a human, with a soul no less, a watcher in fact, did this to her, to all of them? And he of all people knows how important, how precious a slayer is and yet he used her in this reprehensible way for his own benefit. Spike and Angel will always bear the burden and guilt for what they did but I for one will not fault them for it. And I must remind you that one of them is her child’s father, a child I must inform you that she has decided to keep. So, if you choose to continue with this attitude, then I suggest you leave here and stay out of Buffy’s life because she sure as HELL doesn’t need YOUR sanctimonious judgment.” The walls shook as Giles bellowed the last part.

Xander was shocked after being so thoroughly chastised. He fell silent. The rest of the Scoobies were also silent. Even Anya knew now was not the time for her trademark candor, too bad Xander didn’t realize that.
When he’d calmed, Giles spoke again. “This has been a very difficult time for her and it’s only going to get harder. Not only does she have a child on the way, a child with one of two vampires I might add, but I’m also sure Travers is still after her. He may be laying low now but I feel certain that he will resurface the closer the birth gets. He may try to take her again. And, believe me, he is not above using any one of us to get to her. So we need to be careful, all of us. Buffy is already teetering on the edge from her ordeal and she needs all of our support.” He paused, his eyes falling on Xander.
“Now Angel will be in town next weekend and Spike is around of course, so we do have help. I have Wesley working on the prophecy as well. However, there is a matter that Buffy, Spike and Angel will have to discuss, but I’m sure we can all help and that is with the Watchers’ Council. I think they may be of some help to us in various ways, but I am mostly thinking in the long run. They may be able to offer assistance to Buffy’s child, financial mostly, but also for other resources, like protection. I doubt that Travers will be the greatest threat posed to this child. I know that Buffy will object strongly and I can understand why but, in the long run, it may be best. Anyway, the decision is ultimately hers and it doesn’t need to be made now but I just wanted you all to know.” When all heads turned to him and nodded in agreement, he returned to his office for a nice, hard drink.

When Willow and Tara got home Buffy asked, “So, how’d Xander take it?” Their expressions were enough. Buffy was disappointed but she refused to let itet het her. She couldn’t think about Xander’s feelings anymore. Just then Anya knocked on the front door. When she came in, she went over to Buffy, hugged her and whispered,
“He’ll come around soon. He just needs more time than the rest of us.” She pulled back and smiled. From there, the four young women launched into a conversation about babies and where to get really cool things, as well as possible arrangements for the baby room. After finishing her homework, Dawn came down and the five had an impromptu baby bash.

Later that night on patrol, Buffy told Spike about her doctor visit. To say he was riveted was an understatement. He started asking all of these questions, things that Buffy hadn’t thought about yet. She suddenly wished she had written down half the stuff she was told. Then before she could stop herself she asked, “Would you like to come with me next time?” She shocked herself as well as Spike.
He looked at her like she just sprung another head before a huge smile came over his face, his eyes bright, “I’d love to.”
Buffy smiled back. She was glad that he was interested. “Great, well, my next appointment is in 2 weeks so remind me to give you the date and time, ok?”
“Ok then.” They looked at each other again for a moment and then proceeded on to kick some demon ass.

Over the next weeks things went along fairly well. Xander was still very distant but at least he wasn’t openly hostile. Spike and Buffy went to her doctor appointments together although Giles sometimes accompanied them. Spike was in en. en. Buffy was reluctant at first to have him in the examination room but eventually relented. He was good to have around to hold her hand when it was time to draw blood. Plus the majority of the visit took place in there anyway so she was willing to let him in, as long as she was covered. He showed a keen interest in everything and he kept thorough notes of of hof her visits. Sydney was quite pleased to see him taking such an active role. The pregnancy itself was progressing well. The baby was developing as expected and Buffy was gaining weight although she wasn’t showing yet. She no longer had the nausea or dizziness that she had complained about earlier, so other than the lingering sluggishness she was feeling quite well.

Angel came from L.A. occasionally to help out and to just spend time with Buffy, much to Spike’s chagrin. However, Angel couldn’t help but feel out of place in her life. She and Spike obviously had something, friendship or otherwise, going on. The way they looked at each other spoke volumes. Not to mention that everything they talked about revolved around the baby. He really felt like a third wheel. And everyone else had their own life. Also, Angel was worried. For one thing Travers was still out there and who knew what he was planning next. But Angel was also concerned about more mundane issues. He already had a child, a very young child at that, who was already a lot to deal with but in Connor’s case, at least Darla wasn’t around. He could take care of Connor himself and not have much to worry about. But with this, not only was Buffy all the way in Sunnydale but she was also a slayer and it didn’t appear that she was going to give up slaying any time soon, which was another matter entirely. Angel was peeved. How could Spike let her continue patrolling in her condition? He made a mental note to talk to Spike and the watcher about that. ‘What were they thinking? The demons would love the opportunity to take her down in her vulnerable state.’
When he was able to speak to Spike and the watcher he made his feelings known.
“What are you doing letting Buffy patrol while she is pregnant? She could get seriously injured or worse.” Angel was full of righteous condemnation.
Spike and Giles just looked at each other and rolled their eyes. Spike decided to handle this one.
“Look, Peaches! You know that Buffy will do whatever the hell she wants to no matter what we say and none of us is really in a position to stop her.”
From Angel’s unimpressed expression he decided to try another tactic. “Besides, with all the changes in her life lately I think she needs to cling to her slaying. It’s something familiar, comforting, plus she gets to work out all of her frustration in a relatively healthy way. Not to mention that she has yours truly here watching her back.” Spike’s smirk suddenly disappeared and he turned serious. “Listen, I know you’re just concerned and so am I but we both know Buffy. I’d rather tag along than have her run off on her own. We’ve talked about this many times and her doctor also wants her to slow down, and in the next couple of months she has agreed to cut back. So for now, I’m trying to just let her be.” Angel looked satisfied, he knew Buffy could be difficult and at least Spike was on it.

As time passed though Angel still felt oddly estranged from the experience. For all the time he spent with her, he still felt detached from the child. He couldn’t explain it. He loved Buffy and he was concerned for her and her child. He was also happy that something positive came out of everything that happened, but he just didn’t feel like he was the father. There was no connection. Not like the one he felt with Connor even before he was born. He figured that it was because of their complicated past, the awkwardness of it still being somewhat of a threesome with Spike involved, not to mention the circumstances under which the child was conceived.
Although he kept updated through Giles, Angel never once felt compelled to go to Buffy’s doctor visits as Spike did, somehow he thought it would be an intrusion of her privacy. And Angel certainly wasn’t comfortable resting his head on Buffy’s stomach to listen to the heartbeat, which he was rather shocked to find Spike doing one day. To be honest, they looked like any other couple expecting their first child. Angel had to admit, he was a little jealous. Spike not only got to experience a lot of what he’d missed during Darla’s pregnancy, but he got to do it with Buffy and he seemed to revel in it. Spike would just light up at the slightest mention of the baby. And he always referred to the child as ‘his baby’ or ‘our baby’ which peeved Angel greatly because he knew that Spike didn’t include him in that ‘our’. Angel always referred to it as ‘Buffy’s baby’ or ‘the baby’. Plus Spike was always touching Buffy’s stomach much to Angel’s annoyance. ‘Didn’t we do enough to her already, must he always have his hands on her?’ And to make matters worse, Buffy didn’t seem to mind, which further irked Angel. Spike was shamelessly, downright giddy. Angel knew that the distance between he and Buffy, both physically and emotionally, and the little time he had to visit only worsened it. But he stuck around and he helped where he could. In adon ton to the slaying, he found that he and Wesley were most helpful with researching the prophecy and translating the texts, so that’s what he worked on mostly.
These differences did not go unnoticed by Giles or the gang. Most of Sco Scoobies just attributed Angel’s behavior to his and Buffy’s estrangement, and Spike’s to the obviously close relationship he now had with her. But Giles wondered if perhaps, in addition to that, there was some inherent connection between the baby and its father that might explain it all. Giles found himself taking mental notes as he observed the two vampires with the pregnant slayer. He was falling into research mode. The watcher was on the loose.

Buffy also spent a lot of time working on the prophecy. She wanted to know everything possible that might pertain to her child. One day Wesley stumbled across an ancient scroll. It was extremely difficult and time consuming to translate. Needless to say he was thrilled. Then one afternoon after days of tedious translating and cross-referencing he called the Magic Box to give Giles the very rough translation. Everyone waited patiently while Giles took notes. He had a concerned look on his face. When he hung up he tried to avoid sharing the information but they insisted. When he read it, his voice was heavy.

“The vessel of light and darkness shall herald the end of days. The earth shall be burned; and the demons shall reign. Darkness shall descend and the Child Of Power shall light the way to life.”

It was the tidings of doom and gloom to be sure. The room was silent. Buffy was devastated, her eyes stung with tears. Even in it’s rough form, it couldn’t be too widely misinterpreted. Her arms wrapped around her abdomen protectively. Her child would either be the Vessel Of Light and Darkness that would bring the destruction of the earth and all mankind, or possibly the Child of Power that would restore life, which sounded great on paper but probably really meant the kid would have a very hard and probably tragic life. Probably worse than her own. She walked over to Giles and took the paper from him, rereading what she was just told. She refused to believe it.
“Giles, are you sure? I mean this could be a mistake right?” She desperately needed to hear that this could be a mistake.
“Perhaps Buffy, these things are often rife with inaccuracies and we will be sure to check it again and again. It is too premature to draw conclusions. I will do my own cross-referencing to ensure the translation is correct. Please try not to be too upset.” Giles was seriously failing to pacify her.
“Don’t be upset, what do you mean don’t be upset? Giles! This is my baby we’re talking about!” She was near hysterics.
“Well, what did you expect when you have a demon’s spawn.” Xander’s cutting words were muttered so softly the others barely heard them. But they did. They all did. And they were appalled. Buffy spun around when she heard him, her arms shielding her stomach.
Before anyone could even recover from the mental blow he went on, “Come on Buff, what did you think? That this … this thing inside you was something good. Its father is a vampire for heaven’s sake what more do you need to know. And speaking of vampires, maybe if you’d done your job in the first place this wouldn’t be happening. You’re a SLAYER. You slay demons and thaing ing inside you is demon…, I think it’s clear what needs to be done. You need to slay this …” He never finished. He also never saw the slap from Anya coming. The ensuing silence was deafening. The battle lines were drawn.
A solitary tear slipped down Buffy’s cheek before she righted herself and held her head high as she caressed her stomach. She then walked over to the table and collected her things. She refused to engage him. As she walked out the door she asked Giles to let her know when he knew anything else. Once she left, Giles ordered Xander to leave and not to return. Willow was about to go after Buffy but Giles suggested giving her some time to cool down.

Buffy made it home just before the flood of tears came. She collapsed to her knees just as the door closed behind her. She was so glad that Dawn was spending the night with a friend. She was furious at Xr bur but she feared that he might be right. The prophecy and his words only deepened the fears she’d been harboring since she realized she was pregnant. ‘What if her child was the harbinger of all destruction? What if she had to slay her own child?’ The tears came and came, a torrent of grief and pain. For her rape, for her “demon’s spawn.” She mourned for her mother who she still needed so much and for her own death two years before and the precious peace that was torn from her. She grieved for the pain her unborn child would either cause or suffer in the world. She was so exhausted, so tired of giving and losing and giving even more. She felt she had nothing left to give. In her hysterical rage fueled by grief, guilt, anger and resentment, she decided to end it all. She had to end the pain.


A short while after Buffy and Xander left the Magic Box

When Spike entered the Magic Box he knew something was up. The air was charged and the Scoobies looked extremely uncomfortable. He was supposed to meet Buffy there to go on patrol.
“Slayer in the back?” He really wanted to avoid whatever melodrama was unfolding.
“Uh no…she just left, there was a bit of a… well, Xander said something incredibly ignorant that really upset her and she took off.” Spike stiffened when Willow mentioned Xander’s name. He’d been keeping a close eye on the whelp and he didn’t like the vibes he was getting.
“And no one wenth hth her? We have a mad man running around trying to take her kid and you just let her go!” Spike wanted to smack all of them.
“Well, we thought she might have nd sod some space, you know how Buffy can be.” Giles was suddenly defensive.
“Yeah, I know, she certainly is a piece of work.” Spike smirked. They all rolled their eyes at him. He was totally whipped by that ‘piece of work’. Spike then got serious, “So, what did the whelp say that upset her?” Spike was really looking for a reason to knock Xander down a few notches.
Sensing Spike’s desire to ‘talk’ with Xander, Giles decided not to give details “It was just a remarkably insensitive comment about a translation we got from Wesley.” He showed his notes to Spike who merely raised an eyebrow. Giles went on.
“She was upset about that initially, and then Xander told her shouldn’t have expected more because she’s having a demon’s spawn.” Spike showed no reaction but a muscle in his jaw twitched. ‘Oh yeah, he’d need to do a lot of killing tonight before he saw the whelp again or God help him survive the migraine he’d have from ripping that wanker to shreds.’
“So, do we know which one will be our kid?” It was still odd to hear the vampire take ownership of the child.
“Uh, no, but I suppose it won’t be particularly pleasant for either when the time comes.” Giles tried to keep his voice neutral.
“S’pose not…” Spike was about to say something else when a deep sense of foreboding washed over him. He excused himself but told Tara and Willow that he would pass by the house later to check on Buffy. He walked out of the shop and down the street a bit trying to discern the feeling. ‘Was this some unfamiliar demon he was sensing?’ Then it hit him. ‘BUFFY!’
Spike bolted at full vampiric speed towards 1630 Ruvello. As he ran up the porch stairs he could smell the blood. Slayer blood. He burst through the door and bolted up to the
bathroom. His sense of smell guiding him the entire way. He broke down the bathroom door and saw her, lying on the floor in a pool of blood, her wrists slashed. Spike grabbed her and even as she fought him he brought his mouth to her wounds and licked them. The enzymes in his saliva helping to close the wounds even with her own slayer healing. When they started to close he applied more pressure with a nearby towel. He was so frantic that he nevoticoticed his own tears pouring down his face. A deluge of emotion mixing with her blood. He never heard the words spewing from his own mouth “Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!” She still weakly struggled against him but Spike pulled her close and held her tight, and slowly rocked her. He listened intently as her heartbeat returned to normal and with it, a softer, faster heartbeat still going strong. The two wept together for a long time, Buffy for what she had lost, Spike, for what he almost did.

It was a long time before either moved. They’d stopped crying for some time and Buffy was no longer bleeding but both refused to leave the comfort of the other. Eventually Spike lifted her and sat her on the toilet lid. Without a word, he took out the First Aid kit and cleaned and bandaged her wounds. Then he briefly went to her room and got her robe. He could barely look at her, his concern, fear and anger almost choking him. He carefully stripped her of her bloodied clothes and used a damp washcloth to clean her up. After wrapping her robe around her and placing several towels down to soak up the blood he carried her to her room and placed her on her bed on her side and under the covers. With the exception of his pants, he then stripped of his own bloodied clothes and then crawled onto the bed with her, although he stayed above the covers. He spooned against her, her back facing him. His body partly covered her as he wrapped his arms around her, his hands resting on hers.
Buffy was the first to speak. “I’m so sorry.” It was the smallest whisper.
Spike kissed the top of her head and caressed her gently before he spoke “Why’d you do it?” His voice was gentle, coaxing.
It was a while before she answered, her voice hoarse from crying.
“I’m not sure exactly. I think I’ve been hanging on by a thread for a while now. It’s just, it’s just that with everything going on it just suddenly became too much. And with that prophecy. And then Xander. I mean what if our baby turns out to be a monster? What if one day I have to turn around and slay my own child? And then all of these thoughts came into my head. Thoughts about all the bad things in my life and I needed to stop it. Then all of a sudden everything just hurt, every wound I’ve ever had felt ripped open all at once and I just thought I had to end it. I didn’t want to hurt anymore. I don’t want to hurt anymore.”
Spike was quiet for a while, considering her words before he spoke, “I saw that prophecy and you know what I think, I think you were always meant to have this baby. Maybe not the way it happened but I think you were meant to be her mother. I think you were meant to protect this precious little miracle. To protect her, to teach her and help her. The Powers wouldn’t have their slayer doing that for a thing of evil. No, I’m sure she’ll be the salvation of the world. Nothing less could come from you.” Then as an afterthought he added, “Besides, if she is evil, I’m sure we can handle it, I mean look how well you took the evil right out of me.” He got a small smile that became a little chuckle.
“You think it’s a girl?” Her voice was slightly muffled by her pillow.
“I know it’s a girl.” Spike was already envisioning what she’d look like.
Then he added more seriously, “Luv, I can’t promise that you’ll never be hurt again, and I don’t know what fate has in store for our child. But, I can promise you this. I will always love you. And I will protect both of you with everything that I have and no matter what happens, be it Vessel of Light and Darkness or Child of Power, you won’t have to do it alone. You won’t have to bear the pain alone.” At his words, Buffy took his hand, entwining their fingers.
It wasn’t a promise of paradise but it was all he had and somehow, it was enough.


A few hours later, when he knew Buffy was asleep, Spike got up and went into the kitchen. There he called the watcher and told him to bring the wiccas over immediately. While he waited for them, he took the soiled towels down to the laundry and began to mop up the mess in the bathroom. He wouldn’t let them see the place like that but he felt they needed to know. They had to get Buffy some emotional help and the people living with her needed to be aware of this. By the time the three arrived he was almost done. After ensuring that Buffy was still asleep, he told the three what had happened. Giles cursed Xander for being such an idiot and then he cursed himself for not seeing that Buffy was still in such great need of help, that she was still so close to the edge. The three looked lost, between Travers, the prophecy, their own lives, the regular slaying and Buffy, they were being pulled in too many directions. They didn’t know what to do next.

Spike, not surprisingly, had some very helpful suggestions. He asked Giles to tell Dr. Claiborne what was going on. Perhaps she could try to talk with Buffy. The doctor’s easy mannerisms might help her to open up, plus sometimes talking to a stranger can help with the objectivity. Buffy obviously wasn’t totallyfidifiding in any of them because they all had expectations for her. They were too close. It’s hard to tell people who depend on you for so much that you need help.
Spike’s second suggestion was rather surprising though. He said that he would call Peaches himself and get him to bring Connor down. Although Buffy knew of the child’s existence she had never actually seen him. Spike thought that perhaps it might help if she saw that Angel’s son, a child of two vampires no less, was indeed as normal as can be expected and didn’t come forth from the womb spewing fire and eternal damnation from its mouth. Perhaps she might believe that her child too would be at least just as normal as Connor was.
The watcher and the wiccas were impressed and immediately agreed. They also agreed that beyond themselves, Angel and Dr. Claiborne, no one else should know of her suicide attempt. It would be hard enough for Buffy to face them as it was. So after talking again briefly and seeing for himself that Buffy was indeed fine, Giles set out for home. He would call Sydney first thing in the morning. Tara sat with Buffy while Willow helped Spike finish cleaning the bathroom and launder the towels. When all was complete, Spike closed the blinds and then crawled onto Buffy’s bed again, curling himself around her, snuggling close. After listening again for the two heartbeats, he drifted off to sleep.


tbc...