The Soulmate Series

Teetering-Tottering (Chapter Thirty-Six of Soulmates)


“You are so lucky you missed it. It was the creepiest thing ever. I mean, Buffy being able to read my mind? Eww.” Cordelia shudders and Xander pats her hand consolingly.

Indeed, she has no idea how right she is. Willow couldn’t feel any luckier that Buffy never had the chance to read her mind. There’s no telling what her friend might have learned. The possibilities are staggering.

“Yeah, I gotta go with Cordy on that one, it was a bit disturbing knowing that Buffy knew everything I was thinking. But on the plus side, she did stop a mass murder with the nifty mind trick, so, hey, it was probably worth the embarrassment.”

Willow’s almost grateful for the terrible nightmares and flashbacks brought on by her recent visit to Angel’s mansion. At least they kept her safe at home and well out of range of Buffy’s temporary telepathy. Still, it’s only just worth the price she paid to keep her secrets hidden.

Not wanting to give away her state of mind, she attempts some levity. “Yeah, well, I think she more than suffered in return. Hearing you guys’ lovey-dovey thoughts? She probably was nauseous the whole time.” She smiles at the two of them, undercutting her words. Sitting here with them in the library, bantering, she feels so close to normal. It’s a relief after so many hours over the past few days spent reliving her ordeal.

Cordelia looks at her for a moment and her face goes serious. “I know it’s kind of a strange thing to ask after all this time, but are you okay with this? I mean, Xander and me?”

That’s a good question, actually. But she is. She really and truly is. “Yeah. You make Xander happy, so...yeah.”

Cordelia snuggles in closer to Xander and beams.

“Of course, if you ever break up with him or hurt him, I’ll just have to hunt you down and kill you.” This time it’s Willow with the toothy grin.

Cordelia’s brow wrinkles and she looks a bit nervous. “Oh god. Why does that actually scare me?”

“Because it should?” Willow’s still smiling at her old nemesis even as she threatens her with a sticky end. Xander is smiling, too. He seems so pleased that she’s given them her official blessing and it’s almost enough to make her cry. Time to do that one last thing that will bring Cordelia into her closest circle. The girl loves Xander, and for some reason, Willow feels that she can trust her now.

“Cordelia...there’s something you need to know.”

Instantly, Xander knows what she’s about to say. “Will, are you sure? I mean...”

“I’m sure.”

Cordelia looks extremely curious, but Willow does feel the need to explain something first before getting to her revelation. “The first thing I want to say, though, is that you can’t get mad at Xander for not telling you, because I made him promise to keep this a secret. Okay?”

Now Cordelia looks anxious and she turns to Xander for a second or two before looking to Willow once more.

For some reason, even though she’s decided to tell her, somehow Willow just can’t find the words. How to begin? As hard as it was to tell this fractured half-truth to Buffy and Xander and Giles, it was easier then than it is now because she had Oz, and now Oz is gone and she’s all alone. Except for Angel. It would be better, in fact, if she were all alone.

Opening her mouth, she hopes desperately for the right words, or at least words that make sense, to come out. “I don’t have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. That was an excuse my doctor gave me because...”

Cordelia interrupts. “Oh my god! Are you pregnant?” Those last words are delivered in a stage whisper, despite the three of them being alone, and Willow is oddly touched by her discretion, even if she’s completely off-base. Cordelia being Cordelia, she doesn’t wait for an answer. “I knew there was another reason for Oz leaving. I mean, yeah, he ate Scott, but please - it’s not like nobody but you has ever had a killer for a boyfriend, and where are they now? I mean, Buffy’s still mooning over Angel, and anyway, my boyfriend ate the principal and you don’t see him...”

“I did not eat the principal. I wasn’t even there when it happened.”

Cordelia waves him off dismissively. “Okay, whatever. As I was saying, my boyfriend’s friends ate the principal, and hey - he’s still right here.”

This has all gone sideways and Willow can’t figure out how to get it back on track. The fact that Cordelia thinks that Oz would just abandon her if she were carrying his baby hurts so much, and it also reminds her of what she and Oz never shared and never will. She can’t help herself - she bursts into tears.

Cordelia tries her best to make things better. “It’s okay, Willow. Really. I mean, you have us and anyway, you’re so skinny that pregnancy will probably even look good on you. There are really great maternity clothes these days and...”

Xander decides to step in at last before his girlfriend does any more inadvertent damage. “She’s not pregnant, Cordelia.” His next words are soft, only just audible. “Willow was raped.”

However quietly the bombshell was dropped, it was heard. Cordelia is slack-jawed, not making a sound, staring at Willow with eyes so wide they seem to have taken over her face.

“You were raped?”

“Yeah...I was.”

“Was it Oz? Do the police know?”

“No! It wasn’t Oz.” Willow’s close to furious at Cordelia’s easy assumption that Oz could commit such a terrible, despicable act. Killing Scott Hope was one thing, but, no matter how odd others might consider her opinion, she sees rape as so much worse than murder. “Oz could never do anything like that. It was a total stranger. And no, I haven’t told the police either.”

“But, Willow. There’s a rapist on the loose. I mean, what about all the other people who could be in danger? Like me, for instance.”

“Cordelia, could you be just a little more insensitive?” Xander is looking at his girlfriend in a way that couldn’t possibly be further from the lovestruck way he’d been gazing at her just a few minutes ago. Now it seems he’s seeing her in much the same way he did in years past - and she notices.

“What? I was just saying...”

“You were just being a self-centered bitch. This isn’t about you. This is about Willow, my best friend, the girl this actually happened to, remember?” Cordelia looks chastened at that and maybe she even gets it. Willow’s charitable and optimistic enough to allow for that possibility.

“I’m sorry. I guess I just got caught up in the fear, you know? I mean rape is a pretty awful thing, probably the worst thing that could ever happen to someone, and...”

She’s right, Willow thinks, it is possibly the worst thing that could happen to someone; it’s certainly the worst thing that’s ever happened to her, and considering the fact that she was almost burned alive by her own mother, that’s saying something.

Xander catches Willow’s downcast expression and actually puts his hand over his girlfriend’s mouth. “Cor, why don’t you just stop before you destroy my friendship with someone I’ve known for most of my life?”

He decides to speak for her. “What Cordelia meant to say was that she feels bad about what happened to you and she’s here for you.” Cordelia glares at him slightly, but Willow isn’t sure whether that means she disagrees or that she’s irritated because he’s smudging her lipstick. “Also, she’s not going to open her big mouth and say anything about this to anyone.” He turns and looks at his love, the sharp expression on his face brooking no argument. “Now nod your head yes.” Cordelia nods. “If I take my hand off your mouth, do you promise to be nice?” Cordelia nods again and Willow gets the distinct impression that she actually likes Xander ordering her around - which is an idea that could go to a very scary place, so Willow drops that train of thought immediately.

“Yeah, what he said, that’s what I meant.”

“It’s okay.”

“No, Willow, it’s not. I mean, I know we haven’t ever actually been friends before, but you’re Xander’s best friend and I guess that sort of makes you my friend now and...” She takes a breath, obviously trying to say something very difficult. “No, we’re not sort of friends, we are friends. And I guess I should try to act like it, especially after you getting raped and all and...” A look from her boyfriend stops her dead in her verbal tracks. “Okay, I’m shutting up now.”

“She’s trying, Will.” Xander puts his arm around Cordelia and looks at her in a way that’s patronizing, but also affectionate. “There now, that wasn’t so hard, now was it?” She tries to look put upon, but fails. She really does love him.

It’s...nice, in a weird way, mending fences with Cordelia. She’s still all prickles and thorns and inconsideration, but underneath it all, Xander was right - there’s a good heart, or at least one that is learning how to be. Maybe it’s the right thing for Xander, having a girl he is superior to in so many ways, someone who, deep down, needs him more than he needs her.

As lovely as it would be to just spend some more time with the two of them, building on this new closeness, it’s not to be. Buffy has just walked in.

“Hey, guys.”

Cordelia at first appears irritated and then looks worried again before plastering a smile on her face and practically shouting in an exaggeratedly cheery voice, “Hi, Buffy. We were just sitting here, not talking about anything important.” She looks at Willow and the stage whisper is back. “Does she know?”

Xander and Willow are both a bit taken aback by that, a fact that is obvious enough for Cordelia to see. “What? How am I supposed to know if you told her or not?”

“Told me about what?”

“About what happened...about me being raped.” It’s hard to say the word, but Willow forces it out. The more she faces it square on, the better off she’ll be for it. There’s no way to move on without moving through it. Bond with her rapist or no, she still believes there’s some way to build a better life for herself. She has to believe that.

“You told Cordelia?” It’s an accusation more than a question and it gets Willow’s back up. This is her life, and who she talks to about it is her business.

“Yes, I did.” Her resolve face comes to the fore unbidden, but Willow’s glad of it. There’s power in that expression, power which even works on Buffy.

“And what’s wrong with telling me, anyway? I’m her friend, too.” Oh no. Now her confidence
and the whole point of it has been turned on its head. It’s about to be transformed into yet another battle in the undeclared war between Buffy and Cordelia.

“Look, you two, as much as I enjoy a good catfight, I really don’t think this is appropriate, okay? I mean, I agree that Willow’s friendship is something worth fighting over, but I also think that you guys coming to blows or anything like that might upset her. So let’s just cool it.”

Xander’s played hero so often lately that Willow’s thinking he needs a cape and maybe even some tights. Okay, perhaps he’d lapsed a bit in the best friend department for awhile, but he’s doing a darn good job of making up for lost time and Willow’s more grateful than she can quantify that she still has him in her life. She reaches out for his hand and squeezes it. “Thanks, Xan,” she whispers.

Despite Xander’s efforts, the tension is still thick in the air, so he comes to the rescue once again. “C’mon, Cordelia. Let’s go hit the vending machines and think some more of those lovey-dovey thoughts, okay?”

“Are you ever not hungry?” Distracted and willing to divert her irritation into bickering with her boyfriend, Cordelia allows Xander to escort her out of the library, leaving Willow alone with Buffy - which may or not be a good thing.

“So, you missed the brand new Buffy super power.”

“Yeah, they were telling me all about it. That must have been really freaky and kind of disturbing. Still, it was probably pretty lucky, considering that the lunch lady wanted to kill everyone and all.”

“Where were you, anyway?” Buffy sounds suspicious and that’s really not good. It’s also making Willow angry again. Is she being hypersensitive, or is she right for feeling upset at the idea that she is under some sort of obligation to clear her choices and her decisions with Buffy Summers?

“I was at home, Buffy. Trying to rest because I had such horrible nightmares that I was afraid to go back to sleep after I woke up screaming. Is that alright? Or should I have called and asked your permission first.” Okay, that was probably harsher than it should have been. But she didn’t sleep all that much better last night and in truth she’s only here today because she feels obligated to lend a hand at researching the Mayor’s ascension. She has a right to be cranky.

“Whoa, Will. I didn’t mean anything by it, I just...”

“But you did, Buffy, you did mean something by it. So let’s just clear the air here. I was raped. And okay, maybe to you it happened a while back and I should be over it by now, but I have a newsflash for you: It doesn’t work that way. I can go along for a week or so and feel kinda normal and then something, I don’t even know what every time, can set me off and it’s right back to feeling like it happened yesterday or ten minutes ago. So yeah, I had a setback or a flashback or whatever you want to call it and I had to stay home. Simple as that.”

Part of her rant is true, but she nearly stumbled over the words when she said she didn’t know what set her off, and she’s glad Buffy didn’t catch the hitch and the stutter in her voice. Because she knows exactly what sent her into a tailspin; she always does. It’s Angel. This time, of course, it was being back in his house, the site of her violation, the crypt where her life and her hopes and her dreams are entombed.

“I’m sorry, okay. I am. I guess I just want to believe that it’s going away, that you’re getting to this wonderful place where it will be like it never happened and...I know that’s not the way it’s going to be. I just have to force myself to accept that.”

Buffy’s defensive and conciliatory now, and Willow’s unsure if she’s genuinely contrite or if she’s trying to make Willow feel guilty. She’s on such a roller coaster emotionally when it comes to her best friend. Right now, she just can’t get the fact that a part of Buffy actually believes she’s having some sort of affair with Angel out of her mind and it’s definitely bringing out the less kindly and understanding side of her personality.

Of course, being the person she is, she quickly does feel guilty. For all she knows, Buffy has figured out that Faith is completely loony-tunes and no longer gives any credence to her story. At any rate, she and Buffy have been through too much together for Willow to push her away like this. So she does her best to mend fences. “I’m sorry, too. Like I said, I haven’t been sleeping really well - or at all, in fact - and I guess I’m kind of on edge.”

Within seconds, they’re hugging and it’s just like the old days, or close enough to it to feel good and safe and nearer to normal.

“Do you miss it? The mind-reading thing?” Willow’s tone is playful and light and she hope Buffy goes with it.

“Are you kidding? It was horrible. I learned way more than I ever needed to know about Xander and Cordelia’s sex life. In fact, it was creepy enough finding out they have a sex life.” She shudders in mock horror and Willow giggles. “And it turns out the one thing I wanted to use my telepathic mojo on didn’t work, so...”

“What was that?”

“Angel.”

Oh god. Willow was afraid of this. But wait, Buffy said something about not being able to use it on Angel, so... “What do you mean it didn’t work?”

“I mean it didn’t work. Turns out vamps are immune to the Vulcan mind meld. He might as well think in Latin. I couldn’t read his mind at all.”

“Oh,” Willow tries to sound a bit crestfallen even as her heart soars with relief, “but why did you want to?”

“I wanted to know what he really feels about Faith. Did he like kissing her? Was she better than me? I mean, he caught me trying to eavesdrop on his thoughts and he told me to ask what I wanted to know and I did and he answered and he said he didn’t like her and that he was just acting, but I still don’t know. I mean, how can I be sure he was telling the truth?” Buffy turns desperate eyes on Willow. “Oh god. I’m babbling, aren’t I? It’s just...I love him and he hasn’t even kissed me since...and it hurts and I don’t know what to do.”

Buffy’s anguish is tearing Willow into pieces. On the one hand, she wants to be able to comfort her friend. On the other, she knows who Angel is, what he is, and the fact that she can’t share any of that with Buffy makes it hard for her to say a word, so fearful is she of accidentally saying something she can’t explain away. After giving Buffy a shoulder to cry on about Angel so often lately, she’s running out of platitudes she hasn’t used so often that even her obligingly oblivious best friend will begin to suspect something.

“Buffy, I’m sure he was telling you the truth. I mean, Faith is so skanky that there’s just no way, no way at all, that Angel would like her more than you. And the insanity? I think that was more an Angelus thing than an Angel thing. Believe me, he wasn’t lying to you.” Okay, that was absolutely honest; a tough bit of verbal legerdemain, but one that at least didn’t leave her with a pang of conscience. Now all she can do is hope it worked and that Buffy will be willing to let the subject drop. Talking about Angel right now is extremely difficult. Willow’s head is full of images of that horrible day at the mansion, of Angel’s face contorted in animalistic pleasure as he thrust into her, of...

“Will, are you okay?” She must have gotten lost in her waking nightmare because Buffy is looking at her with extreme concern. “What’s wrong?”

“I guess I’m still kind of out of it. Do you think Giles would be upset if I begged off research and went home? I guess I’m not doing as well as I thought I was.”

“No, he won’t be upset. Are you kidding? He cares about you as much as I do.” Buffy hugs her again, squeezing almost too tightly. “Want me to walk you?”

“That’s okay, Buffy. I think I can get Cordelia to give me a ride.” At the look on Buffy’s face, she quickly adds, “I am really tired.”

Her friend’s face shows that she’s relented and Willow gives her a last quick embrace before walking out of the library and off to the janitor’s closet to beg a ride from Cordelia. She really is exhausted and something inside her is screaming for home and solitude as fast as they can be arranged.

Today has been a see-saw, there’s no two ways about it, and Willow wishes she could focus on the up side: the fact that it now looks as if she and Cordelia are becoming real friends. But she can’t, because her mind is full of Angel. Maybe the drive home will help. Spending a few minutes with Cordelia and Xander has to help reframe her thoughts, doesn’t it?

As she knocks on the door to their favorite trysting place and tells them she needs to ask a favor, she stifles a giggle at the muffled “just a minute” she hears in reply. It’s already working, at least a little bit. That’s something to be thankful for and she is. Now if only it holds long enough to carry her through a few hours of sleep. All she wants is some slumber undisturbed by any phantasmagoric retelling of the most horrible day of her life. Is that too much to ask?

The closet opens and two disheveled figures emerge.

“Thanks, Willow,” Xander grumbles.

Cordelia, on the other hand, looks at her watch and says the same thing much more agreeably, “Thanks, Willow. I’d lost track of time and...” There’s something more she’s about to say but doesn’t and now Willow’s curious. Still, she, of all people, knows when not to pry.

Xander seems to be in on what Cordelia isn’t saying. “Oh! Yeah, you have that thing that...” He shuts up when his girlfriend glares at him.

“What is it you need, Willow?”

“Um, I kinda needed a ride home, but if you’re too busy, I can...”

“No, I can drop you off on my way to...where I’m going.”

Okay, this is getting cryptic and strange, but Willow still refuses to give in and ask questions. “Thanks. Let’s go. I don’t want you to be late to...whatever.”

Things aren’t the least bit awkward now, except that they are. The walk to Cordelia’s car is silent and a bit off. Getting into the car and leaving the parking lot is the same and so are the first few minutes of the trip to Willow’s house. She wonders, as she sits in the back seat and gazes out the window, if anyone is going to speak at all. But then Cordelia shoots a glance at Xander and he takes her hand.

“It’s okay, Cor. You don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to, okay?”

“But I do kind of want to. I mean, she told me about...” Xander stops her with a squeeze of the hand he’s holding, “that thing I’m not supposed to mention anymore. And friends share secrets and things. Real ones do, anyway, don’t they?”

She pulls over to the curb in front of the Rosenberg home. “Okay, I have a job. There, now you know, so please don’t tell anyone, alright?” She looks over at Xander. “I’m running late, so can you please tell her the rest?”

“Sure thing, Cor.” He kisses her softly then whispers, “It’s okay. She’ll understand.” Then he gets out and helps Willow out of the car. “Bye. See you tonight.”

Cordelia speeds away as soon as the car door is closed and Willow’s only slightly less confused than before as she and Xander walk through the front door of her house. Why is having a job such a secret? Okay, Cordelia Chase isn’t the first name that comes to mind when she thinks of the words ‘work ethic,’ but still...

“Her family’s broke.”

And now it all makes sense, or does it? Because how on Earth could the Chases have gone from rich to poor in what seems the blink of an eye.

Once again, Xander answers the question she hasn’t even asked out loud. “Her dad got a little...uh...creative with his taxes and the IRS wasn’t too happy about that when they found out and...yeah, my girlfriend isn’t going to be able to keep me in the lifestyle to which I have never been accustomed.” He’s trying for levity, but she can tell that he’s hurting. Not because he misses Cordelia’s money, but because he knows how much she does, and because he can’t do anything to help.

She hugs him. “It’ll be okay, Xander. She has you, and that’s a lot better than designer clothes that you can only wear for a month or so anyway.” He’s not the only one who’s trying to put a lighthearted spin on things. Willow knows how important her status and wealth have always been to Cordelia and how hard it must be for her to define herself without them.

“I’m so glad you’re there for her.” Her tone changes as she continues to hold Xander close. She means what she’s saying. Cordelia needs Xander more than Willow ever knew.

“I just...I wish...” She lets go of Xander and he begins to pace her living room.

“I know. But money really isn’t everything and you have all the really important things to give her.”

“Like what? I’m not even going to college. What do I have to offer?” His self-loathing is so apparent right now and Willow’s almost angry. Why can’t he ever see himself for the wonderful person that he is? An image of his parents flashes before her eyes. Oh yeah - that’s why.

“Xander, you’re kind and caring and accepting. You have the biggest heart and the best sense of humour of anyone I know." He quirks an eyebrow at her, but lets her continue. “You’re handsome and you’re really great to have around when military skills are needed and...you’re special. There’s no one else like you in the whole world. And Cordelia Chase loves you.”

“You really think so?” There’s that self-doubt again.

“I know so. She never would have...you know,” Xander’s blushing now and Willow appreciates how shy and sweet he is in some ways, “if she didn’t love you.”

“Yeah, well, it was the night she found out about the money, so maybe she just needed comfort.”

“No. It’s all the more proof that she loves you and trusts you.”

“Really?”

“Xander, I’m a woman, and women know these things.”

“I guess you have a point there, but are you sure you’re not just saying this stuff to make me feel better?”

“I would never do that to you. Not about something as important as this.”

He grabs her and hugs her. “I love you, Will.”

“I love you, too. Now, what would you like for dinner? The folks are gone again, so I’m thinking pizza. What about you?”

Xander laughs and they relinquish their hold on each other. She’s not going to get the rest she wants, at least not for awhile, but this is much more important. Xander’s not the only one someone is clinging to for dear life right now, and Willow’s not going to let her best friend down. Cordelia needs him and he needs Willow and maybe right now Willow can do with being needed. It’s nice to have the strength to give to someone again, and at least for as long as Xander is here, she won’t have to think about Angel. So she heads to the phone and dials the familiar number. Maybe she isn’t the girl she used to be, but she still has an empty house, pizza, and a shoulder to cry on to offer. Tonight, that seems to be enough.

Tbc...