Becoming I

Disclaimer in Prologue

I WANT REVIEWS I WANT REVIEWS
I WANT REVIEWS I WANT REVIEWS I WANT REVIEWS I WANT REVIEWS

Chapter 2

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Xander made it home safety, pausing outside just his front door, please God, let him be asleep, he prayed. Ever since his father had lost his job a couple of months ago, things had changed drastically for the Harris clan. His temper, increasing viciously with every drink he took; taking out his frustrations...his anger on both his wife and son. Verbal abuse became the norm around their house, when he was drunk----both mother and son were useless, his wife was having affairs, his son a waste of skin, he was good for nothing---nasty vicious words. But when he was sober, he was so sorry about the things he said, the things he did, that they always forgave him. But, Xander sighed, the sober times were becoming few and far between. So far, had just been words that his father screamed at him, but he could see in the drunken rage in his eyes that things were getting worse. That look was scaring him more than anything....soon they were going to come to blows!

His father wasn't even bothering to look for a job now, preferring to just sit on the couch with empty cans of beer scattered around him....his mother scuttling around in the kitchen, babbled endlessly about nothing. He could see the fear and desperation lurking in her eyes and, he was sure that if he looked in a mirror he would see far worse in his.

Swallowing convulsively, he quietly opened the door. Peering inside, relief flooding through him at the sight of his father passed out on the couch. He carefully snuck past the man and up the stairs, making sure to avoid the squeaky step. Exhaling as he reached his room, he gathered a pair of pajamas and a huge T-shirt he had just bought and quietly made his way to the bathroom and turned the shower on. Carefully hanging a towel over the full length mirror behind the door, and satisfied that the mirror was fully covered, he carefully stripped, stepped in and began to wash his shoulders and arms. Closing his eyes tightly, he bent and washed his legs. Taking a deep breath, he carefully washed his stomach, feeling his insides tighten at the disturbing sensation, and for the first time in months he opened his eyes gazing upon his stomach, his very pregnant stomach!

He moaned softly, why him?! Why did these things have to happen to HIM all the time?! Hyena, Soldier, Mummy Girl what the hell was he, some kinda magnet for all the evil in the world?

Pregnant, he thought feeling the hysteria rising quickly before he clamped a lid on it. He, Xander Harris, was fuckin' pregnant?! He sank to the floor of the shower, he was fuckin' knocked up and not the other way around. I mean, he thought in panic, if he had knocked up a girl, he would do the honorable thing and....and marry her. But who ever heard of a guy getting knocked up....and getting married to another guy?! Not like he would want to marry Deadboy....or The-Evil-Vampire-Formerly-Known-As-Angel because, his eyes rounding, I'm not Gay!!

Sweet Mother of God, he had to get out of this town before anyone else found out. He didn't know how long Oz would be able to keep his mouth shut, but Deadboy.....Deadboy would probably blab to Buffy and mess everything up, he grimaced. Maybe if he left now, go someplace.....he'll be safe, he thought hopefully. He had over $3,000 saved up, maybe he could go to L.A. or something, find a cheap place to stay, at least until he expelled this demon seed thing growing inside him, his mouth twisting at the irony.

"See," he whispered to himself, "You're gonna do fine. All you gotta do is just avoid Angel and get the hell out of dodge by the end of the week. Just stay calm, no matter what. I am CalmXander, ZenXander, OzXander.....ummmm ummmmm." He rose carefully to his feet, turning off the water and he stepped out of the shower. Deliberately he removed the towel from the mirror, taking a deep breath and looked at himself.....okay...okay, enough looking, he thought hastily, covering up his swollen middle, feeling his stomach turn at the sight. Turning his back, drying off and sliding on his pajama bottoms and T-shirt; felt his burgeoning stomach----gonna hafta invest in some bigger pants soon. Opening the door, he slipped quietly back into his room and fell deeply asleep.


Angel stood in shock, staring at Xander's pale face with Buffy looking at him anxiously. He glanced down at her and knew the boy hadn't told her or she wouldn't be looking at him with so much love and hope in her eyes.

["Or maybe she would, Angelus said cynically to his souled self, After all you/I killed that bitch and tortured her Watcher, what makes you think she'll stop loving you after finding out I/you fucked the boy?"]

[Shut up, Angel snarled, Buffy loves her friends!]

He glanced back up, but the boy was gone.

"My God," he whispered, "It worked?!"

"I know," Buffy said quickly, "I didn't think the glass would make the glove thingie so....," she shrugged helplessly.

"Whooshy," Willow said helpfully, standing up carefully from where Angel had tackled her.

"Whooshy, whooshy is good. Hand comes off, everything goes whoosh," Buffy said brightly, glancing up at Angel.

Angel looked down frowning, what the hell were they talking about, he had to find Xander!

"My God," he whispered again, still in shock, Xander was pregnant, with his child!

"Uhm, Angel, I think we just about covered that," Buffy said, uneasy with the look in his eyes.

"So this is the boytoy that got everybody freaking out," Faith sauntered over, glancing at him approvingly.

Angel started forward, his one thought---find Xander! They had to talk.

Buffy held Angel back, "Angel, calm down. Faith didn't mean to attack you! They thought that you had attacked Giles," she explained rapidly, she definitely didn't like that look in his eyes!

"Speak for yourself, B. We're Slayers, girl, it's what we do....kill the demons. But if they all look like your boy here," she licked her lips, "I might....have to hesitate a couple of hours myself." She ignored the flashing anger in B's eyes.....man, was he one big piece of fingerlicking hot flesh, she could see why Buffy was so strung out over him. Hell, the ride might even be worth Angelus coming out, she smirked, too bad for B.

"Besides Xander said you didn't do it, I ignored him," she shrugged carelessly, wondering about that odd flicker in the vamp's eyes.

"Yeah Buffy, Xander did say that Faith jumped to conclusions, not him," Willow said in a rush, trying to protect Xander; she blinked at the look of gratitude that flashed in Angel's eyes, before smiling nervously, tucking her hair behind her ears.

"Fine, but he shouldn't have pointed Angel out as the Bad Guy No. 1," Buffy groused, still upset over that point. Why couldn't Xander understand that Angel had changed?! He wasn't evil Angelus anymore.

Angel was still in a state of shock. A father?! I need to sit down, he thought dazedly, his legs collapsing under him.

"Whoa, there big guy. I think you need to get stronger before you start fighting again," Buffy said, guiding him to the coffee table. She was worried about the dazed expression still on his face. She flashed a helpless look at Willow, who shrugged, equally helpless.

"Angel, are you going to be okay," Buffy crouched to peer into his face, concerned about the blank look in his eyes, but needing to run and see about Gi

Angel blinked as Buffy's face suddenly entered his vision. He looked in her beloved face and thought despairingly, 'How can I tell her....how can I tell her that I raped one of best friends?!'

[You stupid moron, get off your fuckin' high horse, Angelus snorted disgustedly, I fucked the little bastard! Like you would ever have the balls, he sneered. So the mad bitch's magic worked after all, who'd thunk it, he grinned maliciously, We're gonna be daddies, he smirked.]

Angel sighed, "I'll be okay, besides I have some thinking to do," he said quietly, searching her eyes, seeing the love and concern. [Angelus made gagging noises]

"Go," he said standing up.

She looked at him uncertainly, "If you're sure, I'll...I'll come back after I see Giles," she questioned hesitantly, moving slowly to the door.

"I'll be okay, go see to your Mr. Giles," he said and watched the three girls dart off. He sighed before he, in turn, left; swiftly following Xander's scent until he was standing outside his house. He climbed swiftly to the boy's window, peering in at the lightly bruised face turned towards him, a low growl coming from his lips, shocking him. He watched the exhausted face for a few minutes longer, before jumping down from the roof and striding away. He would talk to the boy tomorrow, he decided.


Xander glanced over his shoulder for the fifth time, feeling as if someone was watching him. Dammit, I knew I should've went home instead, here I am of patrolling, putting my life in danger once again, he thought angrily. I bet Buffy's right now sucking face with soon-to-be-daddy dearest, he thought spitefully.

It had been several days since their encounter after the glove incident and he was congratulating himself on making sure he was never left alone or anywhere near Deadboy. He wasn't stupid, he saw the look in the vampire's eyes and he knew...he knew Deadboy wanted to talk to him....badly. Well, too fuckin' bad, he thought harshly, another couple of days and it's goodbye Sunnydale and hello L.A. He had already found a cheap hotel to stay in and figured out how he was gonna have some money until the baby was born.

He had already sold his comic book collection for a cool $2,500 and he had another dealer sending him $3,000 for his baseball collection. He rubbed his hands with glee, that'll give me a whooping $0...0....ka-ching! Thank God for normal relatives, he thought. Cash in a couple of those bad boy bonds Grandma Sara left me and we should be all set, he stopped abruptly realizing what he was thinking, I said we, didn't I?! There's no WE in this, it's just me, myself and I. NO WE! he said sternly to the baby. Soon as I get rid of you....I'm heading back to Sunnydale where I belong.

Happy in his thoughts again, he didn't see the dark shadow creeping up behind him, but Angel did and swiftly staked the vampire before it reached Xander.

Startled, Xander spun around too quickly and felt the earth continue moving around him, Angel caught him before he could fall and guided him safely over to a picnic bench.

I've got you now, Angel thought. He had been close to tearing his hair out in frustrated rage at how elusive the boy was. He knew Xander realized that he wanted, needed to talk to him but every time he thought he had the boy cornered, somehow the boy would slip away. He knew Xander was terrified of him, who wouldn't be, so he tried to keep some distance between them, but he needed to talk to the boy and if he had to knock Xander out and tie him down.....he flashed to an image of Xander chained and bloody in the mansion and shuddered, okay no tying up, but just locked in a room. A big room.....a really, really HUGE room.

He watched anxiously as the boy took several deep breaths and moved away instantly as the shoulder he held tighten and the fear scent increased.

Xander watched him warily, knowing he was no match for the vampire's speed, not in his present condition, actually not in any condition, his mouth quirked. "So, Deadboy, nice meeting you, thanks for catching me, gotta go," he said rapidly jumping up, hoping Dead-And-Won't-Stay-Buried would let him leave.

Crap, he thought as an iron hand grabbed his shoulder, pushing him back down.

"So, Deadboy, nice night----what do you want," Xander said nervously, glancing around at the empty playground, which of course should be empty 'cause of the whole kids and daytime thing, he babbled to himself, looking everywhere but at the figure now in front of him.

Angel waited patiently, know that eventually the boy would give in, he smiled as he caught and held the nervously flickering gaze.

"How about we talk about you, me and baby makes three," he said dryly.

Xander said tentatively, "How about we don't?" knowing there was little hope that Deadboy would let him get away.

He sighed, stood up and put a little distance between them, "Don't worry I ain't going nowhere yet," STUPID! he silently cursed himself for that slip of the tongue.

Angel's eyes narrowed, catching the slip and putting together two and two, "So, you were going to run away," he stated quietly, his eyes searching.

Xander grinned cockily, "Hey, didn't you get the memo? It's what all the cool kids are doing! Besides, it worked for Buffy and so I thought I'd give it a try."

"Buffy came back home," was the quiet reply, from the still figure.

Xander trembled slightly, lifting his chin, "And so will I once this....thing is out of me."

Angel tilted his head slightly and glided closer to the boy, "And where will you leave *our* child," he said softly, stressing the fact that it was a *child* and his child also.

"Th...th..there are places that take newborns," Xander stuttered, shaking with fear at having Angel so close to him and backing away. While he knew it wasn't Angelus, they still wore the same face and body.

Angel raised an brow inquiringly, "And how do you plan to deliver the child," he asked gliding around the now shaking boy, smelling the fear roiling off Xander in waves.

Xander mind shut down, God dammit, he yelled silently, I knew I forgot about that.

"Shit," he burst out.

"No, that's not how you'll have my child," Angel said dryly, circling back around, seeing Xander flinch. He sighed and steeped back, the fear smell dissipating slightly.

"I have an offer for you," he began abruptly. "I have an apartment in L.A. and I have tons of money to support the child. I know several capable demon doctors, well experienced in delivery of children. If you choose to come back to Sunnydale, I will hire a nanny and nurse for the baby and you will have liberal visitation rights; or should you decide to stay with *our* child, I will have the same liberal visitation rights," he said carefully. He had come around quickly to the fact that it was Xander that carried his child and not Buffy. It wasn't what he would have wanted for either of them but he would seize the gift in both grateful hands.

Xander met his eyes with a startled jerk, understanding what Angel was carefully not saying: that he recognized his fear and was trying to be accommodating to it, but he would be a part of his child's life. Xander couldn't stop himself from being wary of the offer---if only he could trust him!

"The apartment is somewhat large, with five bedrooms so that we could both be there without stumbling over each other," he said quietly persuasively. He wanted Xander to take his offer, he wanted them both to be part of their child's life. He hoped that Xander would see this as a win-win situation.

Xander stiltchetched him suspiciously, there was a catch! There was always a catch, this offer was way to good to be true, "What's in it for you and what would I have to do," he said warily, he didn't know if he could do this!

"What *you* would have to do is continue your education, develop a vocation. You are far too intelligent not to at least get your high school diploma. After that, you may do whatever you like, go to college or stay at home with the baby. Whatever you decide to do, I will support you and your decision financially, either way," Angel said quietly.

"You haven't said what's in it for you," Xander said suspiciously, narrowly eyeing him.

Angel looked away, "You young people don't realize just how good a life you have." He glanced back at Xander, "What I want is what every man wants, a chance to be a father. I want to be the kind of father that my father could not, would not be. My father was a stern, cold man that never smiled, never praised me for anything good I had done. No matter what I did, no matter how I tried, it was never good enough for him. So, I finally gave up trying to gain his approval, his love, his attention and started having fun....doing all the mischievous things that young lads like to do. And you know what? I finally got his attention, negative attention to be sure, but attention never the less. There were days where I couldn\it dit down, I had been whipped so hard," Angel smiled thinly at the recollection.

Xander looked at him in alarm, "You will not be whipping my child," he said angrily, his hands going to his belly, instinctively protective.

Angel smiled inwardly, Xander had made his decision already, it seems. But which one: to stay or go?

Xander looked at Angel and sighed, "When do I leave," he said in resignation.

"Whenever you are ready, just come to the mansion....," he was interrupted by Xander's sharp 'NO'.

"Just give me the addresses and keys, I'll find my way there," Xander said coldly, inwardly shuddering at the thought of being cooped up in a car with Angel, oh hell NO!

Angel silently cursed himself for suggesting that idea, knowing how the boy felt about him, "Very well, I'll give you the address, keys and the names of the doctors, say two nights from now?" He suggested with an inquiring tilt of his head, continuing at Xander's nod, 'll 'll also give you money for and and anything else you will need."

Xander lifted his head proudly, he was NOT gonna take Angel's money until after the baby came, he had plenty of money. Not until the baby was born would he take one red cent!

"I have money saved up," he said proudly, "So thanks, but no thanks."

Angel looked at him, "Living in L.A. can be expensive," he warned, "You'll probably need medicine, food, cloths and other stuff," he said quietl
"
"That's ght,ght, I have about $5,500 all ready and another $3,000 coming in tomorrow. Plus I have some bonds that I can cash in," Xander said fiercely proud, flushing at the warm approval in Angel's eyes.

Angel looked impressed, "How did you manage to gather so much money," he was interested to know.

Xander glanced down a little shyly, "Well, I managed to save almost all my birthday money, Christmas money and Easter money from all my relatives. Plus my uncle left my his comic book collection that I finally sold last week, and my grandfather left me hisebaseball collection that I sold for about $3,000. The bonds are from my Grandma that I can cash in when I turn 18, that'll net me about $14,000," Xander said, looking proud.

Angel was a little stunned! "You seem to have thought this all out rather carefully," he murmured.

"Well, I had nothing but time to think when I fount tht that I was pregnant... that and having hyscs,\cs," Xander said ruefully. "The bond money wasn't gonna be for me if I can help it. I was gonna set up a little account for the baby so that it'll have something when he or she turns 18," Xander said in a rush, embarrassed at how much he cared about the child he carried.

Angel smiled slowly, "It looks as if you have everything under control. You were planning on leaving without saying anything to me, though," he asked, his eyes coolly intent on the boy.

"I....I ..I thought it would be for the best, you know," he said awkwardly.

"Best for whom," Angel question with a raised brow, becoming perfectly still, totally focused on the boy.

"Best for Buffy," Xander admitted quietly, his eyes suspiciously wet, "She loves you and this'll give you, give the two of you time to fix things, especially without me around, interfering," he continued with painful honestly. "If I stayed, needless to say, they'll find out and then she'll feel bad and stuff, so...." he shrugged, looking down in discomfort.

"....so you go to save her pain," Angel finished for him softly, before sighing. "Xander, I don't know if things can be fixed between us or even if there is an 'us'. I spent 500 years in hell because of her." Angel said, looking away.

"No," Xander interrupted him quietly, his heart pounding, "Because of me, you were sent to Hell, my doing not hers," he straightened, trembling with fear.

"What do you mean you did it, not her," Angel's eyes narrowed dangerously.

"I mean that I lied and told her that Willow said to kick your ass; I panicked and couldn't take the risk that she would stall, would hesitate in killing Angelus, that he would....," he couldn't go on and turned away unwilling to let Angel see the hot, bitter tears falling down his face.

"...that he would kill her," Angel finished softly, dangerously..... feeling the hot rush of fury towards the boy, even stepping forward angrily, his fists clenched. He stopped as the boy's fear increased and realized just how terrified the boy must have been that day. For himself and for the rest of his friends. He thought of what Angelus had done and would have done if he continued running around.

"Xander, were I in your shoes, I probably would have done the same," he admitted quietly. "For what it's worth, I think you did the right thing."

Xander turned around slowly, his eyes wide in amazement, "Y...yo..you're not mad," he stuttered out.

"Should I be mad at you, who lied to protect himself and his friends?" Angel shook his head, his eyes intent on the slightly tearstreaked face, "I'm mad at Angelus who tortured and raped you," he saw the boy flinch at his words, "I'm even a little 'pissed' at Buffy, who forgot her duty. But mad at you? Why should I be? You were scared and you felt that Buffy to go through with killing or stopping Angelus," he shrugged, "So you forced the decision on her, leaving her with only one option."

Xander looked at him in astonishment, dimly aware that he was doing a very passable imitation of a fish.

"How did you guess all of that," he whispered, stunned.

"I like to think that I know you," was the quiet reply, "And I definitely know Buffy. It was a....logical conclusion to make," he paused, seeing the boy absorb his words.

"So, are we all set, then? All confessions gotten out? Anything else you might be inclined to tell me," he asked with a tiny smile, seeing the flicker of a smile on the boy's face.

"I'll bring the addresses and keys to the library in Saturday night, I'll even spring for two cell phones so that you can reach me at any time," he said a little hopeful.

Xander looked at him and said carefully, "If I need you, I'll call y" fe" feeling a flicker of guilt at the crestfallen look on Deadboy's face before it was blanked out. They both knew that Xander would not be making that call.

"Xander, I want to be there for the birth; I want to be a part of my child's life," he carefully enunciated his wishes, wanting to be perfectly clear on what he expected. "Do we understand each other," he said quietly, his eyes narrowing in warning.

Xander swallowed and stood quietly, he understood the threat implicit in Angel's tone: he would be part of their child's life whether Xander wanted him to or not!

He regarded the vampire narrowly, praying he wasn't going to regret his bargain with the devil. He knew he had some issues to work through, while his conscious mind recognized the differences between Angel and Angelus, his subconscious was backed in a corner, a stake in each hand.....gibbering in fear, chanting 'kill, kill, kill! It was the one that want to kill Angel before the vre hre had a chance to kill him.

Every time Angel stepped closer, his subconscious seized control and immedia bac backed away or froze in terror, as if Angel couldn't see him if he froze.

They eyed one another silently, before slowly retreating, each thinking of a way around the fear: Xander knew if he wanted to be a part of his child's life, he would have to overcome his fear of Angel; Angel knew that if he and Xander had any hope to work together as parents he had to be slow and patient in overcoming Xander's justifiable fear of him.

Unaware that their well conceived plans were about to blow up in their faces.

Friday morning arrived, bright and clear. Xander threw back his bedsheets with a renewed enthusiasm for life. Bounding out of bed, whistling a merry tune as he showered, talking and patting his bulging belly, telling the baby about all the wonderful things they were going to do together, how much fun they were going to . He. He stopped abruptly, realizing what Angel had already guessed.......he had no intention of ever coming back to Sunnydale.

Once he was on his feet from having the baby, he would find a job and put the baby in daycare? he thought tentatively, then rejecting the thought of entrusting his baby to the care of strangers. Maybe he'll accept Angel's generosity, he thought on the way to his bedroom, this way he won't have to work for a while and he could be a stay-at-home dad and could he possibly sound more girly, he grimaced. He was a guy, a man, okay a man having a baby, but still a man. He struck a classic manly pose in the mirror, smirking at the unmanly belly he was sporting. He turned and pulled a pair of elastic pants and a loose shirt. Thank God the fashion for guys was wearing clothes loose and baggie these days.

He was sadden at the thought of leaving Willow behind, she was still his best friend. Maybe someday, I'll call or write to her....explain things, have her visit us, he thought wistfully. Maybe pretend that your mother is dead and I'm being a responsible father, he thought hopefully to the baby, which is not far from the truth except the father in your case isel ael and he *is* technically dead, and I am still being a responsible father, he thought half-guiltily for thinking about lying to Willow.

He sighed, his cheerful mood now gone and went down the stairs. His father sat at the breakfast table, unshaven and drinking his breakfast. Xander wrinkled his nose slightly in disgust and carefully avoided making eye contact, not wanting an argument to start his day and ruin his mood further.

Opening the cabinet door he was amazed at the amount of food now stocked in the cabinet, he gave a suspicious stare at his grinning mother as his father sat morose and silent. Xander shrugged and grabbed a box of Cap'n Crunch with Berries, of course, and a bowl, opening the fridge.

"Good Lord," he stared in awe at the bulging fridge, at all the food packed in it, he shot a disbelieving look at his frantically grinning mother.

"Isn't it wonderful," she exclaimed happily, "You father, bless his heart, had a tidy stash of money hidden away and yesterday we paid all our overdue bills plus the four months of back payments on the mortgage. Isn't that marvelous!" She pressed a quick kiss to her husband's cheek that he jerked away from, grunting something under his breath as he shuffled out of the kitchen, the beer bottle clutched in his hand.

"Damn, so dad came through with some dough, huh," Xander said eating rapidly.

"Don't talk with your mouth full and yes he did," she said misty eyes, "I know we haven't told you about how bad things were, maybe we should have. But maybe thing's will get better around here," she ended hopefully.

Xander hesitated, looking at her, but he knew it was for the best that he leave, there was no way he could make his parents freaks along with him.

"Yeah, maybe things will change," he murmured sadly and kissed her cheek lightly before grabbing his knapsack and heading for school.

Okay, today the banks stay open later, 'til about 7 pm, he thought on the way to school, so after school I'll stop at the library, do the research thing and then scoot over to the bank around 5 or 6, empty the account and get some Travelers checks. Everything's packed and locked up, ready to go. I just need to leave notes for Giles, the parents and the girls and then it's Hello L.A. here comes the Xan-man, he looked down, plus one. His good mood slightly restored, he bounced to school.

It was about 3 pm that everything began to unravel.

Cordy sat in the library thumbing idly through a magazine, ignoring Queen B and her sidekick, Faithless.

"Hey you know I saw something curious going home last night," she remarked bor bored tone.

"What was that," Buffy said breathlessly, blocking a punch from Faith, "A 3 for 1 sale on all leather goods?!" She looked at Faith and they both started giggling.

"Ha, freakin', ha," Cordy retorted, without glancing up from her magazine, "No, it was Xander and Angel talking, talking quite calmly, I might add." She turned another page, silently Ooohing over a pair of Prada shoes, I have got to get me a pair of those, she thought.

"Hmmm, I wonder what they were talking about?" Buffy looked thoughtful, "Both him and Willow were so not giving him a chance...," she broke off, she didn't want to remember what had happened, aiming a side kick at Faith.

"....when your boyfriend turned into a homicidal, pyscho maniac after you guys did the bump 'n' grind," Cordy finished for her, still looking at the magazine.

Buffy gave her a cold stare, "Thank you, Cordy," she said bit out.

"Don't mention it," Cordy waved a hand, "Actually, it was more Xander than Willow, that was so dead set against Angel. Willow still wanted tlp,\lp," she said in boredom.

"What do you mean, Willow still wanted to help? Xander said that she said to kick his ass," Buffy said in confusion, dodging a punch from Faith.

Faith was listening avidly, finally she was about to get the lowdown on Angelus, Angel's alterego. Every time she had tried to steer the conversation that way, it was very obvious that it was a subject that NO ONE wanted discussed. She looked up gleefully as Willow bounced cheerfully in.

"Uhm, Willow," Buffy said slowly, "You remember when Angel was Angelus?"

"Do I?! How could I forget, he killed my goldfish," she said indignantly.

"Oh please, let's not forget about Ms. Calendar," Cordy remarked, her attention caught by a black slinky dress, "I sorta think a human rates a little higher than goldfish," she finished dryly, that dress will go great with those shoes, she thought.

Willow looked abashed, "I try not to think about her," she said quietly.

"Willow, what did you tell Xander to tell me," Buffy said, bringing the subject back, her eyes narrowing as beginning anger stirred in her soul.

Willow was taken aback by the grim look on her friend's face," I..I ..I told him to tell you to stall," she stammered out, "Until Angel's soul was restored," she glanced helplessly at the coolly composed Cordd thd the smirking Faith.

"You didn't tell him that you wanted Angel's ass kicked," Buffy demanded, rage forming in her eyes.

"What?! I wouldn't....I couldn't ....I didn't," Willow stammered out before straightening haughtily, "There was no ass being kicked or otherwise," She nodded firmly to Buffy.

Giles walked into the Library, "Oh oh, good, I see that you're...uhm... all here... where is Xander?" He peered around, expecting to see the boy emerge from somewhere in the library.

"That's what I'm waiting for, Xander to show his lying backstabbing ass," Buffy grated out.

"Buffy Summers," Giles exclaimed in shock, taking off his glasses and polishing them furiously.

"Well, that's what he is," she said stubbornly, turning back to Willow, "He told me that you said 'kick his ass' before I went to fight Angelus," Buffy shouted angrily.

"But I didn't," Willow wailed.

"You didn't what, Willow my girl," Xander bounced in, smiling cheerfully, spreading the Love. He was in a relatively happy mood, he was proud of his letters to them all. Not to mushy, in a manly in a gonna-have-a-baby sorta way.

There was absolute silence in the library as even Cordy pulled her attention from the magazine.

"Queen B here," she waved a hand to the fuming blond Slayer, "Just found out that you lied about Willow saying 'kick his ass'." She stared at him thoughtfully, something about him was.....different.

Xander looked helplessly at the angry blond Slayer and the disappointment in Willow's eyes.

"I...I...," he tried to say and spread his hands helplessly, not having the words.

Buffy stalked over to him.....CRACK!

The sound was shockingly loud, echoing in the horrified library.

Slowly Xander turned his head, to look in her furious face, a trickle of blood oozing from the corner of his lips.

"Buffy," Willow breathed in the shocked silence as the two stood toe-to-toe.

"Is that all you got?" Xander said flatly, staring with empty eyes at a now horribly uncertain Slayer. "Because if it's not I suggest that you hit me again; get it all out of your system, because this will be the last time, I allow myself to be hurt for you.....because of you," his voice was wintry cold.

Buffy tried to bluster her way out of what she recognized as her mistake, "Don't you dare try to turn this around, you were the one that lied. I sent him to Hell because of you lied to me," she shouted, her words dropping in the cold silence spreading from Xander.

He looked at her coldly, then Giles and finally at Willow. He held her eyes the longest seeing the disappointment and anger apparent in her eyes, before he looked back at Buffy and spoke.

"And if you had failed and he won, what then Oh Mighty Slayer, what then?" Bitter sarcasm lacing each word, like a cold icy dagger in the heart of the listeners

She opened her mouth and was frozen by the icy glare he gave her.

"The only thing that you three cared about was making poor little Buffy happy! You, Giles, you lost the woman you loved and yet you agreed that okay let's bring Angel back; and Willow, my oldest friend, you didn't give a goddamn about me, my opinion or my fucking feelings. It was Buffy this, Buffy that," he said angrily, watching Willow flinch and Giles look away. "Buffy is a fucking 17 year old kid, yet you all defer to her as if she's this All Mighty General or something."

"Is that what this was all about, you were jealous," Buffy sneered, instantly aware that her words were a very BAD mistake and tried to take them back.

"Xander, I...I..," she stammered, extending a pleading hand, stiffening in shock at his next words.

"Fuck you, Buffy," Xander said quietly, his eyes cold and empty, he turned to leave.

"Xander! Where are you going," Willow cried out, pushing past the shocked Buffy.

"Away from all of you," was the quiet reply as he strode away.

"What have I done," Buffy whispered in shame, her eyes stunned.

Willow stood staring at the empty doorway before she whirled and CRACK! "If anything happens to him....," she warned her coldly.

Buffy nodded, holding her stinging cheek as tears gathering in her eyes, "What do we do now," she whispered, painfully looking to Willow.

"Give him time to cool down and then we grovel, for as long as it takes," Willow said with a sigh. All her anger and disappointment leaving her....empty of all but the guilt. Xander was right, as soon as Buffy became part of their little circle she did have a tendency to defer to her a lot. Maybe it was because her two best friends had been guys and now for the first time, she had a female friend. She sighed, excuses, that's what they were nothing but a bunch of excuses. The real truth was: she had let Xander down, he had always been there for her and she had let him down. Except for that Cordy thing, he had always been there for her.

Buffy nodded again, thinking of her Xandershaped friend. Remembering all the times that he willingly gave her his support and strength unquestioning, never complaining. He had been a better friend to them than they had been to him. He was always there with a joke and smile, taking the pressure of their nightlife off of them, making the night seem not so scary anymore. Maybe he was right, maybe she would have hesitate and Angelus would have killed her instead.

Giles sighed, pulling off his glasses and polishing them slowly. The boy was entirely correct, he did tend to defer to his Slayer as if she was the elder with more experience and knowledge. He eyed the distraught Buffy speculatively, traditionally Watchers watched while the Slayers did the, uhm slaying. But Buffy was not a traditional Slayer, perhaps, it was time to train her to Watch as well as Slay.

Cordy broke the silence, "Boy, is he mad at you," and she went back to her magazine, thinking: first chance I get, I'm getting out of Sunnydale and away from these losers, she hoped Xander did the same.


Xander stormed out of the school. Furiously angry at the girls and Giles, but especially at Willow, okay maybe he shouldn't have involved Willow in his lie but she was his oldest friend! But as soon as the Great Buffy came along, oh no, suddenly he wasn't good enough for her. He knew that wasn't really how the situation was, but hell it was his mad, wasn't it?

He stormed around town, shaking off his bad mood and suddenly noticing the time and quickly hot-footed it to the bank with 30 minutes to spare.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Harris but you don't have enough funds in your account to cover this transaction," the teller said quietly.

Xander looked at the man in disbelief, "Whaddaya mean, I don't have enough money?! There's over $8,000 in that account. You obviously made a mistake," he gritted out.

"I'll check again," the teller said quietly, tapping at his computer, "It says here that a withdrawal was made yesterday for $8,483 at around 1 pm," he said.

"Ha! Now, I know you're wrong. I was in school all day yesterday," Xander exclaimed triumphantly, attracting the attention of the manager.

"Can I help you with something," he said smoothly to the obviously angry young man.

"Yes! He," pointing to the poor teller, "Keeps tellin' me that all my money's gone and that I took it out yesterday."

"Why don't we go over to my desk so these other people can get their transactions completed," he said soothingly.

"Fine, but I still want my money," Xander said stubbornly, sitting where indicated.

"Okay, here we are," the manager announce, pulling up the account screen, "I presume you are Mr. Harris, then," he peered at the fuming Xander.

"Of course I am," Xander rolled his eyes, big D'uh!

"And I presume, you are the son and not the father, whose name is also on this account," the manager said delicately, wincing in sympathy as the boy froze in his seat. He sighed, just as he thought when he first pulled up the account screen.

"He couldn't have....he wouldn't have," Xander said in a daze of confusion, hearing his mother's words repeating in his mind......'and we paid off all our overdue bills'.

He looked at the manager, "And you just gave it to him," he said. He was so mad he was shaking!

The branch manager spread his hands helplessly, "Mr. Harris your father's name is on this account thus making it a joint account. Any joint account is accessible by either or both parties whose names appear on the account. If this account had only your name on it, then no, we would not have released the funds into his hands. I'm sorry but it is a law that we must follow. I cannot tell you how many times in the midst of a divorce, either the husband or wife will come in, withdraw all the money in their joint account and leave the other penniless. I'm truly sorry," he said quietly to the obviously distressed young man.

Xander waved off his apologies, it wasn't his fault it was that son-of-a-bitch father of his fault, he thought angrily.

He left the bank and strode home, slamming into the house in a tearing rage, looking at his father furiously.

"Where is it you, fucking bastard," he yelled angrily at him, vaguely aware of his mother's shocked 'Alexander LaValle Harris!'.

His father ignored him, raising the beer bottle to his lips and taking a long pull.

"What's gotten into you? Alexander, you apologize to your father this instant," she said sternly, her eyes flashing angrily, a stirring of unease in her heart.

"Not until he gives me back my money," he spat out.

"Money?! What money? I'm sure that your father will give you money if you just asked him politely for it," she said in a reasonable tone, her uneasy feeling growing.

"All $8,483 of it," Xander said watching his father, he saw the flicker of guilt flash across the man's face and growled.

"Jack?! Jack, what is he talking about...," she stammered to a halt seeing the half-guilty expression os fas face. Remembering all the bills they had paid off yesterday and today, over $8,000 worth of overdue bills. She sank bonelessly into her chair, stunned.

"You stole money from your own son," she whispered incredulously, "How could you you, why would you?!"

"The lil'l bastard been holdin' out on us," he slurred out, standing up. He glared with bloodshot eyes at Xander, "We been behind wit' the bills for the pas' three months and the lil'l fucker had all that goddamn money just sittin' around, beggin' to be taken, so I took it," he grinned and tilted the bottle up.

"You rotten filthy bastard," Xander screamed, "It was my money that I had saved up. You've been drinking and pissing yours away," he stormed over to the slightly inebriated man.

Jack's face darken with congested fury, and he swung a heavy-handed blow to Xander's face, knocking him into the wall. He hit him again and again, taking out all his frustration on him. Punching him in the face, ignoring his wife's screams as he hit the boy again, his fury tainted with shame, with guilt.

Xander doubled over, desperately trying to protect his child.

Macy broke a vase over Jack's head, making him back off her son. She trembled with fury as she helped Xander to his feet. Her rage increasing at the shockingly livid bruises on her baby's face, the broken nose, the cuts, the black eye.

She whirled on her husband, who stood there shocked at what he had done.

"Get out or so help me God, I'll kill you," she snarled, ignoring his pleading eyes. "You have gone too far, Jack. You obviously need help, help that I can't give you. I have tried everything in my power to help you, now I want you out."

Xander stood dizzily, he had to get out of here! He sidled warily to the door, keeping a watchful eye on his father and dashed to the door, ignoring his mother's shout.

He ran, instinctually to Willow's house and stopped abruptly remember her anger, the disappointment in her eyes and headed for the only place he knew that offered a measure of safety.


After sunset and drinking his dinner, Angel strode into the library, halting at the glum and guilty looks everyone was wearing.

He eyed them cautiously and asked warily, "Is anything the matter, that I should know about?"

They all shook their heads, before Cordy said with an exasperated sigh, "They're all afraid that you're gonna go postal because Xander lied to Buffy to get her to kill you."

Buffy gasped and looked nervously at Angel, "He did it for the best. He...he..felt that, uhm, Angelus...was a....a..killer and...and....," she stuttered to a halt, unnerved by his blank expression.

Oz sat up slowly, feeling rage growing in the vampire.

Angel closed his eyes, "Please tell me that you didn't confront Xander?" When no answer came, he slowly opened his eyes.....they were pure gold! They sat frozen in dread.

"Sweet Jesu! Ya did, ya sodding fools," he hissed before running out the door leaving six very confused people in the library.

"Well, that went rather well," Cordy remarked to the room.

Buffy rounded on her angrily, "Oh, and how do you figure that?"

"Well, we're still alive," Oz said.

Angel rushed to Xander's house, stood outside the front door. He could smell the rage and BLOOD! Xander's blood! He growled softly, sniffing the air. Running, following the scent trail until he came to.....the mansion?!