Broken (AKA Beautiful Broken)

*


Spike ended up leaving Xander in a corner of the back room while he and the trainer talked at great length, and Xander concentrated on keeping his form perfect and his muscles relaxed and his breathing even as he considered what they might be saying. Xander could hear a lot of motion as his trainer’s footsteps walked from one shelf to another, but whatever they planned for Xander, they didn’t share with him, and Xander knew better than to try and catch a glance. Instead he focused on being the perfect slave, his trainer’s presence reminding him of his place more than the collar welded around his neck, more than the chain, more than the tattoo inside his cheek, more than his naked kneeling body. The very sound of his trainer’s footsteps made him focus, concentrate on making sure every cell in his body obeyed.

Soon enough, he heard Spike say, “Heel,” as he headed out of the room without even pausing. Xander stood and hurried after Spike, the sound of his trainer still clucking disapprovingly behind him. Spike didn’t have a cage, so maybe they couldn’t agree on a price. A part of Xander, a big part of Xander, was relieved. Nothing reminded him of his status more than sleeping in that cage. Another part of him was absolutely terrified. What if he couldn’t do it? What if he was so broken that he couldn’t ever exist without that cage? What did it say about him that he had actually asked for the cage, and god could he just take that request back now please? Spike was probably laughing at what a loser Droopy had turned out to be. He reached his place just a step behind Spike and he concentrated on making sure every motion was correct: arms motionless, hips swinging, and eyes down.

Spike led them back to the main area where he’d bought blood yesterday, and Xander went to his knees as Spike walked up to a counter.

“Human food, and some water,” Spike demanded once footsteps approached. Now that Spike had mentioned food, Xander realized how hungry he actually was. He hadn’t been fed the day before because his trainer probably did want to risk Xander being ill with nervousness.

“Got the kind with dried meat and the kind without, which ya want?” asked a bored voice that could have been a teenager working at Hotdog on a Stick rather than selling concessions at an illegal demon-run slave auction.

“With,” Spike said, and Xander found himself surprised. He remembered the thrill of feeding Spike animal blood even knowing the vampire hated it. Guess that just proved Spike was a better person…creature…than he was. When Spike started moving toward a table, Xander almost stayed behind without the touch or the command, but if he stayed here, he’d get in the way of a whole lot of demons who would probably get pretty aggravated, and so with his stomach clenching so hard as to eliminate not only hunger but the ability to eat and his heart pounding, he rose and followed Spike to the table.

When Spike sat, Xander didn’t go into the Position kneel. He went to the Floor kneel with his body under the table and his head on the floor in front of Spike’s foot. It was stupid, he kept telling himself, but if this had been some sort of test that Spike and his trainer had devised, he would rather be punished right away rather than be punished for breaking his kneel and then punished for trying to hide it, too.

“Oi, this some sort of eatin’ thing you’re doin’?” Spike asked.

“No, Master,” Xander replied, and he heard the heavy frustrated sigh above him.

“Okay, let’s try this again wanker. What are ya doin’ down there?” Xander considered the shortest and most effective way to answer. He’d often earned punishment for boring his trainer by using too many words.

“I broke the rules.” Instead of getting praised for admitting his wrong and using as few words as possible, he got another aggravated sigh from his Master.

“Wot did ya do wrong?” Spike asked, and from the thickening of the accent and the clipped tones, Xander guessed that he was about to find out what type of punishment Spike could deal out.

“I broke kneel without a command, Master.” Xander explained. Silence.

“Forgot ta tell ya ta heel, didn’t I?” Spike said in a thoughtful almost amused tone.

“Yes, Master.”

“Good thing my slave has the sense ta follow even when I do forget him,” and for a moment, Xander couldn’t even process that information. He didn’t get praised for breaking rules, he got punished. He always got punished. If he followed the rules he got petted and praised and fed. If he broke the rules no matter what the reason he got punished. He knew he’d be punished when he followed, but he would rather Spike punish him than some demon attack him for being in the way.

Xander felt the snap on his butt and he swung immediately into the Position kneel beside Spike.

“You were afraid I’d punish ya,” Spike said calmly despite even though Xander knew his Master well enough to hear the anger underneath. It wasn’t a question, so Xander just waited.

“Bloody hell, what does it take to get you ta talk?” Spike demanded to the air. Xander knew the question wasn’t *really* for him, so he made his voice as soft as possible so that Spike could easily ignore him if he wanted.

“A question, Master.” Spike was silent for so long Xander wondered if the vampire had even heard him, then a wide slave bowl with water appeared on the floor.

“Go on, then drink,” Spike ordered, and Xander lowered his mouth to the bowl, his chin in the water as he pulled the wonderful fluid into his mouth. He drank in big gulps until the water was so low he couldn’t reach any more. When he returned to position, water dripped off his chin and onto his chest.

“Bloody right you’re messy when you’ve been taught ta act like that,” Spike complained, but Xander was beginning to remember that Spike just complained; it didn’t mean he was in trouble or that Spike was mad.

“So, were ya afraid I would punish ya?”

“Yes, Master.” Xander replied as he realized Spike had heard his previous comment.

“Why didn’t ya smell of fear then?” Xander considered his answer, really not sure how to phrase it or how much Spike was asking to know.

“Smelling of fear is against the rules,” he settled on.

“So ya were punished for being afraid,” Spike clarified, but responses – or in this case anything seeking a response – must be phrased as a question, Xander thought with amusement as he recalled watching Jeopardy with Jesse and Willow. Old memory, one he hasn’t thought of much so it’s still bright and fresh. Another frustrated sigh.

“Were ya punished for bein’ afraid?”

“Yes, Master.”

“Oi, it’s like tryin’ ta get information out of a soddin’ Magic 8 ball: Yes, no, maybe.” Spike snarled. “HOW were ya punished, pet?” Xander sorted through the various memories of his punishments for that sin. Oh, his trainer always told him what sin he was being punished for, and Xander sought some sort of common element that would allow him to answer without boring Spike with a long list of all the punishments. He must have taken too long though because Spike suddenly said. “No, don’t tell me. I don’t want to bloody know.” Xander could relate. He often wished he could go back to not knowing a lot of things. Spike thrust a bowl at Xander, and Xander’s hands flew up to take it before he realized what it was. The bowl had lumps of greenish food Xander knew to be the rice/vegetable mix he normally ate, only this time there were chunks of white and brown meat in there too. Xander sat with the bowl in his hands without moving.

“What? Aren’t ya hungry?”

“Yes, Master.”

“Soddin’ hell, I wonder how much of this is the trainin’ and how much of this is you findin’ a new way to annoy the piss out of me now that ya can’t use all the hot water.” Spike snapped. “Is that a yes you aren’t hungry or a yes you are?” Spike must have caught himself though because he continued before giving Xander a chance to reply. “No, forget that. Xander, are you hungry?”

“Yes, Master.”

“Then why aren’t you eatin’?” Spike’s voice now had the carefully controlled tones of someone who clearly wanted to explode.

“I don’t know the rules for eating like this,” Xander admitted, and some part of him cringed at just how pathetic *that* sounded.

“You should come with a bleedin’ instruction manual,” Spike muttered. “How do you eat, annoyin’ slave of mine?”

“It depends on whether I’ve been obedient or not, Master.” From Spike’s tone, he knew which one Spike would go for. Funny, his trainer would have punished him for breaking kneel and rewarded him for controlling his mouth. Spike seemed likely to do the opposite, so Xander waited for the question. A hand ran through his hair, tugging a curl gently before Spike asked.

“You’ve been obedient, pet. So how do ya eat when you’ve been good?” Xander was so surprised he almost gave the wrong answer. God, just when you thought you had Spike figured out, the vamp threw a curve. Too many years of living with Drusilla was Xander’s best guess.

“My trainer feeds me from his hand,” Xander said, and only his training kept him in place as Spike growled loudly enough that he surely had gone into game face.

“Manipulative, overbearing, arrogant little piss-ant,” Spike muttered harshly even as he took the bowl back from Xander who immediately returned to position. Xander assumed Spike wasn’t describing him. A sharp rap on the head sent him to the down position, and Spike’s hand immediately soothed the spot either because the vampire had realized how hard he’d hit or because he liked the feel of Xander’s hair, didn’t really make a difference to Xander since he just enjoyed the touch. He didn’t get hit while being petted. A piece of food appeared in front of Xander, and he reached forward to take the food from Spike’s hand as he’d been trained. He used his tongue to slip the food to the side of his mouth while he sucked on the fingers, licking them and nibbling on them for several seconds before pulling back and chewing his food.

When he swallowed, Spike’s hand was there immediately, and Xander repeated the process, running his tongue down to the first knuckle and sucking before pulling back. The third and fourth and fifth pieces went that way, and on the sixth piece, Xander heard Spike moan. Spike continued to feed him, and Xander continued his careful attention to the fingers that brought him food until finally he swallowed and a piece didn’t appear. Xander waited and in the stillness, he could now hear Spike breathing heavily, and when he risked a quick look, the vampire’s hand was locked on the edge of the table.

“Pet, ya keep doin’ that and I’m goin’ ta find somethin’ else for ya ta put your lips on,” Spike warned, and Xander marveled again at how clueless the vampire could be. That wasn’t an order to stop, and threatening to make a slave perform oral sex wasn’t exactly a threat. Hell, even if it were a threat Xander would follow his training until ordered to stop. It was strange because he was getting the feeling that Spike wouldn’t hold it against him if he stood up and took the chair opposite him at the table, but the very thought of doing anything so outrageous made Xander so frightened that he temporarily lost track of where he was and even lost track of himself, making it seem as if time had jumped and fingers appeared from no where.

Xander reached forward, took the food and tucked it to the side as he continued his ministrations. He knew that the food was nearly gone now, so he wouldn’t mind Spike demanding some payment. A piece of meat appeared, and Xander had only just started his attention to the fingers that fed him when they jerked back and Xander saw movement from the corner of his eye. He quickly chewed and swallowed so his mouth would be empty.

“You want ta play with somethin’, put your lips here,” Spike ordered, and Xander saw that he had pulled his cock out. It’s not like other demons weren’t taking advantage of their slaves in public, so Xander slipped under the table and put his lips on Spike’s cock. Then he did what he did when anything touched his mouth, he took it into his mouth and worshiped it. Most of the time, he was just the mouth that some demon pushed into, but Spike was leaning back, so Xander got to really use his skills. He sucked at the head gently, hearing Spike’s breathing roughen and feeling the leg muscles against his arm tighten in pleasure. He increased the pressure, taking more into his mouth a little bit at a time, teasing as much as pleasuring. When he pulled back, he made a guess based on his knowledge of vampires and nibbled the head gently. Spike hissed, and Xander thought he’d made a mistake until Spike spoke.

“Bloody hell, yes. Look up at me, pet.” Xander tilted to look up at Spike’s face even as he licked up the underside, using his tongue to press into the sensitive vein, and now Spike threw his head back, openly panting as Xander took the now dripping cock into his mouth, manipulating the foreskin with his tongue. Spike looked down at him with yellowed eyes, and Xander realized that he was making the vampire lose control. Spike shifted forward in his seat, and Xander braced himself for thrusting. Spike did push forward into him until Xander’s nose was buried in dark blonde curls, and Xander swallowed, watching in fascination as Spike clutched the table and hissed again. Xander waited for Spike to pull out and start thrusting, but about the same time he started getting lightheaded from lack of air it occurred to him Spike had just shifted forward so that Xander would have more room to work.

Hoping that he’d guessed right, Xander pulled back and gasped through his nose as he worked on the head before sliding back down into the curls with a fresh lungful of air. He swallowed again, and suddenly the vampire was coming. Xander held position, pulling back when Spike started to soften, but keeping the cock in his mouth and swallowing as Spike continued to spurt. Finally Spike slumped in the chair, and Xander stopped, knowing how painful it could get to work the cock right after finishing, but Spike had specifically ordered Xander to keep his lips on Spike’s cock and to look up at him, so Xander did just that. He kept his mouth around the softened cock that shrunk until Xander ended up nose deep in curls, and he kept looking up at Spike.

“Good slave there,” suggested a thick rough voice.

“Yeah, wot of it?” Spike demanded, but his voice sounded far more drowsy than threatening. Xander scooted forward a little so that he could more easily hold position between Spike’s legs.

“How much?”

“You’ve got ta be kiddin’.” Xander watched one of Spike’s eyes open and consider the stranger with guarded surprise. Xander only wished he could see the demon making the offer. “I just bought him; not for sale,” Spike snapped wearily.

“All humans for sale. How much?”

“Mate,” Spike said, and now the trademark threat was back in his tone. “I paid $15,000 for him two days ago and I haven’t even had time to enjoy him.”

“I pay $16,000.”

“Let me try this again mate,” Game faced snarl from an aggravated vamp, very scary. “I’m a vamp, we’re possessive, and if ya look at my pet again I’ll break both your legs.” The demon made a rumbling noise and lumbered off before Spike looked down. Xander continued gazing upwards, his mouth around Spike’s now totally soft cock as he breathed air filtered through Spike’s musky hair.

“Now I know you’re not really Xander Harris,” Spike said with a strange strain in his voice. “Droopy Harris would have castrated me by now.” Xander waited patiently as Spike reached down and started running fingers through his hair. Funny thing, Xander remembered feeling so threatened by Spike and so afraid of his own occasional surges of interest in certain males that he probably would have bitten off Spike's cock before performing oral sex in public. Of course Xander Harris didn’t know the real meaning of pain and didn’t understand that sometimes it was better to give up and go along rather than be forced to give up and then punished for not going along.

Xander the slave knew these things all too well, so not only did he wait with his mouth full of Spike, but he enjoyed waiting because Spike had given him an order so he could follow the order and know he wasn’t doing bad. The hand running through his hair didn’t hurt either. Eventually though Spike tapped his head and Xander swung around and went into the Down position with his knees spread, his butt on his heels and his hands resting comfortably. For his trainer, the Down kneel was a rare treat, the formal Position kneel his standard, and Xander would give Spike a blow job a day just to repay that simple change that had given his kneecaps a chance to stop aching.

Spike zipped up and stood up to leave, taking a couple of steps before calling, “heel,” but Xander had already started to rise and follow his Master toward the slave pens.

A dozen times Spike pointed to a spot and ordered, “Down” before going to talk to some slaver in hushed tones. If Xander hadn’t suspected Spike of some sort of scheme before, he certainly did now. At each dealer’s place, Spike would talk to demon after demon without satisfaction, growing increasingly frustrated and then angry and finally just seemingly worn out. By the time they had visited every booth and watched two slave auctions, one of female humans with magical talents and one of female humans with supposed powers as seers, Spike looked much the way Xander remembered him after the chip first went in.

Part of Xander worried that Spike was plotting against the Scoobies; it would certainly explain why Spike didn’t want him to hear. That part of him breathed a sigh of relief at not knowing because he would never be able to break training enough to betray his Master and knowing the plot without being able to warn Buffy would all but kill him. Another part of him worried about Spike, about how much pain the vampire clearly felt over whatever wasn’t going right. The demons he talked to didn’t give him the answer he wanted. Eventually Spike led him back to the concessions area where Spike got a second bowl of water and offered Xander more food even though Xander declined. With much slower steps than in the morning, Spike headed back towards his room, Xander following silently with so many questions in his head that he feared little thought bubbles must be forming over him like in cartoons.

When they reached the room, Xander saw the package waiting outside the door and he didn’t comment as Spike pulled the covered cage into the room.

“Go do your human stuff,” Spike ordered with a wave toward the bathroom, and Xander silently thanked God and his Master that Spike had remembered. He was using the toilet when the voice yelled, “and leave those hip chains in the there. Xander finished, removed the hip chains and walked back out to the bedroom where he went into position next to the bed. He wanted his Master to know that he wouldn’t fight or complain if Spike wished to use him again. Spike didn’t make a move to do anything. He just smoked.

“Time for bed; this whole soddin’ auction’s over tomorrow and we can go bloody home,” Spike finally announced, and Xander heard the fizz of a cigarette being put out. He knelt, waiting for the command, but Spike didn’t give it. Xander knelt by the bed and Spike stood by the cage and the room went silent. Xander finally heard the tap.

“In.” Xander rose and placed his back to the cage before going into the Floor position and working his way back into it. When he felt the rod in back touch his hole, he thought he heard Spike growl, but he couldn’t really come up with a reason considering how the vampire must enjoy the sight of his former captor now so actively participating in his own caging. Xander pressed back until he felt the bars on his butt. Spike quickly slipped on the ankle brackets and then slid loops around Xander’s wrists. Xander hadn’t even realized Spike had fastened the loops because they were so loose, too loose to allow him to truly relax his arms without danger of breaking position.

“So, that all right then?” Spike asked, and Xander tilted between honesty and pleasing his Master.

“No, Master,” he finally answered.

“What, somethin’ wrong?” Xander watched Spike squat down in front of him.

“Yes, Master.” Xander replied.

“Oi, we are not playin’ twenty soddin’ questions,” Spike huffed, and Xander had to mentally laugh at the vampire’s impatience. After all, Xander wasn’t intentionally annoying Spike, that was simply a pleasant side effect of the training. Spike had to actually ask a question that called for a specific answer. “What’s wrong?” Spike finally asked.

“The wrist restraints are too loose, Master,” Xander said cautiously, afraid it might be taken for criticism. Instead Spike reached up and tightened them without comment, holding Xander’s arms tight against the top of the cage.

“Anythin’ else ya need ta say?” Spike asked, the front piece dangling from his hand.

“No, Master. Thank you, Master,” Xander said, taking the liberty of adding the last part even though he didn’t have permission to ad lib. Spike held up the front part, and Xander held position, swallowing as Spike pushed forward far more slowly than his trainer ever had. Eventually, the throat rod was in and Xander’s chin rested on the chin guard. Spike locked the two sides of the front piece and then picked up the cage. Xander expected to be put in the closet, but instead Spike put him on the dresser. After pushing the one big chair into position next to the dresser, Spike perched on the arm of the chair and reached in to pet his hair. Xander watched with curiosity.

“This is the only time you’ll bloody look at me without gettin’ ordered to,” Spike said as though reading Xander’s confusion. Xander certainly enjoyed the feeling of fingers running through his hair with the occasional stroke on his cheek with the back of Spike’s fingers. Xander blinked slowly, truly wanting to close his eyes and enjoy the attention, but too well trained to do so.

“Sometimes when I look in your eyes, I can still see ya. Back at that wanker’s place, I saw your amusement. So, what amused ya more, the shock on my face or the fear on that wanker’s face every time I growled?” Spike asked, and Xander blinked a couple of times before really processing that statement. Spike noticed?

“Ya know, that wanker really is a cowardly little arse. Mind you, a popular cowardly little arse that I don’t dare kill here, but then most bullies are cowards.” Xander looked at Spike and wondered what had happened to his Master: the overbearing, pushy, mouthy, arrogant, hyperactive vampire. The gentle stroking continued even as Spike spoke, so Xander had to assume that Spike wasn’t angry about the fact that he still did the whole thinking thing in his own head. Actually, he probably did more thinking now than before he became a slave because that’s the only thing he could do without permission, and even then he had to make sure his trainer didn’t notice.

“Wanker thinks he broke ya down into an animal, but you’re still bloody in there, aren’t ya? Still remember the night you took me to your basement. Ya stunk of terror, havin’ a Master vampire in your house and havin’ ta invite me in. Don’t think I would have survived if I didn’t have your terror ta keep me feelin’ like a vamp. But even with all that fear, ya still refused to show it.” Spike hand now gently kneaded his neck muscles, and and Xander allowed himself to enjoy the touch since he couldn’t move his head or neck even a centimeter with the front rod holding him in place.

“Six bloody months.” Spike’s hand pulled back right before Spike punched the wall. “Ya know the rotten thing?” Spike asked and Xander just blinked in reply. Hello, gagged by a rubber mouth piece with a rod down his throat, not really the time to ask him questions. “Rotten thing is I wasn’t even bloody lookin’ for ya. I figured ya got eaten and figured good for whatever had eaten ya.” Xander just blinked again. Of course Spike hadn’t cared. Hell, he’d been the one to consistently vote ‘kill the vamp,’ so why was Spike doing an Angel angst-a-thon?

“You’re not impressed with my confession,” Spike said as he turned back, but Xander just blinked again. Was Spike talking to himself with Xander providing the excuse, or did the vamp know him well enough to actually guess his thoughts, to understand expressions that Xander thought he had purged from his face? The hand returned to his hair.

“Would’ve wanted ya dead, but I never wanted ya like this. I’ve seen Angelus break people, but even Angelus couldn’t have broken ya like this, pet.” Xander could have told Spike that. Hell, he could even tell Spike the moment when it happened, when he broke and stopped being Xander Harris. It wasn’t worth punching a wall over, though. *He* wasn’t worth punching a wall over, and his life had gotten a whole lot less painful and a whole lot more predictable since he had broken, so he couldn’t even bring himself to regret breaking.

“Bloody well don’t even know what to do with ya like this.” Okay, that got his attention. Xander blinked as he considered that Spike didn’t want him like this. Xander realized with regret that he really didn’t have any other way to be, so Spike could keep him, sell him, or kill him, but he couldn’t ever have back the person who used to be Xander Harris. Not that Spike could have gotten anything out of Xander Harris other than an insult and a stake. Spike stood up with a snort of disgust and flicked the lights off with considerably more effort than the switch required. Realizing that their ‘conversation’ was over, Xander closed his eyes and fell immediately to sleep.


A touch woke him in the morning, and Xander’s eyes flew open. He should have woken at his Master’s first movement, but he had slept until Spike had walked over to pet him. If Xander hadn’t been caged, he would have gone to Floor position over that rule violation, but Spike just continued to pet him, so Xander decided that Spike hadn’t minded. The soft caresses and the fact that he had gotten more sleep than he normally got in three nights left Xander happily sated, and he blinked at Spike, wondering what the vampire thought when he looked at Xander so tightly caged, the bar gagging the very mouth that Spike had threatened to gag at least a hundred times. Xander remembered when his trainer’s minions had dragged him into the training room, dropping his body on the concrete before ripping off the blindfold. Even gagged, Xander had screamed at the sight of a dozen or so humans crated and caged and set on shelves like boxes in a storeroom.

He’d started retching then, the sight of those passive eyes horrifying him more than anything he’d ever seen, more than giant bugs or Angelus’ torture on Giles’ body or even the sight of an inside out swimmer. They’d ripped the gag off, and he’d vomited his last free meal on the floor and himself as he tried to avoid looking at all those slowly blinking eyes. Is that what Spike saw, the horror of it? Of course, in his case most of the horror came from the fact that he knew he was going to be one of those caged bodies, but he’d vowed to fight; he’d vowed that his eyes would always burn with hatred. He’d lied because now he curled relaxed in his cage and enjoyed the feeling of his Master’s hand in his hair as he blinked passive eyes. He didn’t have to do anything: not please or obey or even fight because in the cage there was nothing but accepting.

“Someone woke up in a good mood today,” Spike commented as his hand went from Xander’s hair down to Xander’s shoulder. “Almost hate ta take ya out with that expression on your face.” If Xander hadn’t been gagged by the front piece, he would have offered to stay caged as long as Spike kept petting him. Okay, he wouldn’t have said it, but he would have thought it loudly, and the realization that he felt so strongly about Spike made Xander mentally roll his eyes at himself even as he continued blinking at Spike. Nice. He had to go and get all emotionally tangled up just because Spike hadn’t whipped him or seriously hurt him. God, give Xander a couple of kind pets and he’d follow you anywhere. Of course, he always had been that way, hadn’t he? Cordelia kissed him and he followed her like a puppy. Willow looked his way and he went trotting after her. Anya announced that she wanted orgasms, and yep, there went Xander Harris trotting after the next person to give him attention. And of course this time he was getting himself attached to a creature who didn’t really care back.

Xander had lived with Spike and fought with Spike long enough to know that the vampire had a fear of being alone, so having a slave who couldn’t leave probably appealed to him, but he also knew that Spike got bored with his play toys fairly quickly, so Xander didn’t expect this to be a long-term commitment. He’d be lucky if Spike didn’t lose him in a poker game the first month, but he decided to take all the happy moments he could before that happened, and when happy moments included Spike petting him as he was locked in a cage so small he couldn’t physically move a centimeter, life had really taken a detour.

Spike soon grew tired of the petting and lifted the cage to the floor before pulling out the front piece and releasing the restraints. Xander scooted forward out of the cage and knelt at Spike’s feet as the vampire remained uncharacteristically still.

“So, time for a shower,” Spike finally announced as he turned, and Xander sprang to life, eager to show that he knew how to perform his duties after the disaster that had been yesterday morning.