Dreams and Nightmares

A/N Ok, we're getting into a lot more angst here but not to fret, we'll get back to the fun stuff soon enough. I've added two chapters today just to move it along a bit faster for you guys. And, I love reviews so please, share your thoughts.


Part 3

Later that evening, Giles was sitting in the Summers’ living room across from Buffy, the papers he was faxed next to him. He’d cleared the house, asking Willow and Tara to see a e ane and getting Dawn to spend the night with a friend. He needed to talk to Buffy alone, immediately. The two sat, sipping tea, staring at each other. ‘This is it Buff, no more running, no more hiding.’ She suddenly stood holding her teacup, and looked outside the window. She wasn’t sure she could tell him and look at him at the same time.
“How much do you know?” her voice was low, barely audible.
“Most of it. Angel and Spike have been to see me. I doubt that we’ll need to get into anything…uh…personal, unless you want to. You know you can talk to me about this.” Giles kept his voice low and unimposing. He wanted her to come to him on her own.
She turned abruptly and looked directly at him. After a moment, she nodded. The burden was too much and she needed to get it out, if only for the cathartic benefit. She sat across from him and without more than blinking an eye, told him everything from the moment they left Sunnydale to the time they returned, editing out the more lurid details. She told him what went through her mind when they first took her, what she was thinking as Angel held her down and Spike fucked her. How her heart broke each time she had to suck or fuck one of them. She told him all that Angel did to force her to pleasure him, from gripping her hair, twisting her arm to literally dragging her onto the bed. Sometimes he didn’t even bother with the bed, he’d take her on the floor, against the wall, whatever. She then went on about Spike, about the bathroom and how she eventually turned to one of her own rapists for comfort, for sanity. Throughout her tale, her voice was low, devoid of emotion. Like she was simply reading off a grocery list.

“My feelings are all over the place, Giles. My mind knows it wasn’t them in control. The bastard who locked me in there with them is responsible for this. And I know I wasn’t the only one who was violated. Angel and Spike had no choice in this. They were violated too. And, I’ve told them as much. It’s just, even though my mind knows it, I still can’t help but feel betrayed by them. I had no strength and part of me feels like they should have protected me, not taken advantage of me.” Her voice was shaking now, the pitch rising with each word.
“Giles, I’m just so confused and frustrated and I can’t sleep because I have nightmares and I’m getting irritable and lashing out at everyone, I, I just want to scream, I want to make someone feel like I do.” She was visibly shaking now, her arms wrapped tightly around herself. Giles got up and placed a small blanket around her. He didn’t know how to tell her this, so he decided to just say it.
“Buffy, I have some papers here. They’re on some research done on that gas by the Watchers’ Council. I just brought the basic results, they’ll be easier to read and understand. It may not help with your emotional state but it may help you understand why Angel and Spike behaved the way they did, why they treated you that way. You see, the gas, called Coitalium is, among other things, a powerful aphrodisiac. I’ve seen it used in the past; it’s extremely potent. It drives vampires wild and increases their libido tremendously. To be honest, I’m surprised, and quite relieved I might add, that they didn’t actually hurt you. Angel and Spike’s feelings for you probably influenced how they reacted. If they only saw you as the slayer, they might have sexually tortured and slowly killed you, perhaps even turned you. But, they, their demons I mean, see you as a, well, as a mate. I think they were trying to claim you.” He gestured to her bite marks. From her unreadable expression he continued, “I’m not saying what happened to you wasn’t horrible, it clearly was and I feel partly responsible. All I’m saying is that demons, their demons, don’t abide by our rules, their relationships tending to be about dominance and such. And Buffy, that’s who you were dealing with, not Spike, not Angel. Their souls, probably much of their own personalities were affected. From what Angel and Spike have said, they felt trapped within themselves, like they were in a cage. They knew what was happening but they couldn’t stop it, they could only watch. Like they were in some sort of trance or something.” After a brief moment, he went on. “Like you said, you weren’t the only one violated. I think it would be mutually beneficial to talk to them about it, when you’re up to i cou course.”
Buffy nodded and took the papers. She knew she wasn’t ready to talk to them about it. Her brief conversation with them was one thing, but this was something else entirely.

Then Giles continued, “Buffy, I do have something rather unsettling to tell you.”
She looked at him suspiciously and took a deep breath, “Go on.”
Suddenly, Giles was quite nervous. “I…um..I am fairly certain I know who did this to you.” He waited for her reaction, when she just raised an eyebrow he went on, “I strongly believe that Quentin Travers arranged for you, Angel and Spike to go to Dutton and once there, for you to be abducted and, well, assaulted.” He glanced at her again, trying to weigh her response. He removed his glasses and started polishing them as he spoke, “I think he was trying to fulfill a prophecy, … this prophecy.” Giles replaced his glasses and read aloud the passage Dobson had passed on.
Buffy’s head snapped up. She couldn’t have heard what she thought she heard – something about a slayer, a vamp with a soul and a child. Their eyes met and a single tear fell from her eye. She was shaking again. This could not be happening. ‘Was her life some cruel cosmic joke?’
Then, in a truly unGiles-like manner, he laid it all out plainly. “I believe that you three were taken because Travers wants to impregnate you with the child of a vampire with a soul. Trouble is, there are two of them. So, he locked you three in a cell after exposing them to this substance that he knew would ensure that they’d have intercourse with you, consensual or not.” When he was done, Buffy couldn’t move. She felt like someone had just slapped her. Another solitary tear slipped down her cheek.
Suddenly she looked up at him, “But, that can’t happen right, I mean vamps can’t have children right?” Giles gave her an uncertain look, “Buffy, I do believe that Angel’s son is evidence to the contrary.” His sarcasm was harsh but he couldn’t let her slip into denial.
Buffy was suddenly silent, an unfocused gaze entered her eyes. She turned and without a word went upstairs to her room. Giles was puzzled. Suddenly he heard it. The sounds of things smashing, crashing, Buffy screaming. He ran into her room and had to use all of his strength to wrestle her to the floor. Her body shook violently with the force of her sobs.
She yelled, her tone incredulous, “That bastard had me raped, he violated my mind, my body, and our friendships, and the trust we had, and perverted it so he can get a super kid.” Giles held her close and rocked her, murmuring soothing words, lulling her to calm. After a long while, she asked in a small voice “Giles, do you think it worked? Do you think I’m pregnant?”
He paused and looked into her eyes, “I think he would have made sure to have succeeded. They took your blood, perhaps it was for a pregnancy test.” After a moment longer, “there’s one way to find out. I know a physician who works with both humans and demons, shall I make an appointment for you?” She nodded. Then he decided to ask the big question. “Buffy, I do believe that we will need to tell the group something, can you handle that?” Again, his voice was low, gentle.
After a long pause she nodded, then added, “But Giles, I want you to tell them. It’s hard enough to talk about. I don’t think I could face them all at the same time, looking at me, feeling sorry for me.”
“Well, Buffy do you not want to see them at all?” He wasn’t sure he could keep them away.
“No, no I’ll see them, just only a few at a time, ok?” Her voice still small.
“What about Dawn? I think something like this would be best coming from you.” Giles really didn’t think he should be the one to tell the teenager.
“Well, I guess I should probably tell her. But, will you tell the gang?” Buffy really wanted to get out of it.
“Ok then, I’ll tell them.” Giles had already decided that he’d tell them separately, starting that night with Willow and Tara once they returned from the movie.
Buffy then snuggled deeper into his lap, clutching onto him tightly. The two sat for a long time, sharing the comfort of each other’s presence.

A few hours later, after they had returned and Buffy had gone to bed, Giles told the two wiccas everything. They were silent for a long time. Willow wept quietly as Tara held her. The blonde witch was always such a great source of quiet strength.
“This is all my fault!” Willow said suddenly, she felt so guilty.
“Why would you say that honey?” Tara’s voice was soft and comforting.
“Yes Willow, why would you think that?” Giles couldn’t imagine how she’d come to that conclusion.
“I, I should have found them earlier. I should have thought that a Béjan orb was counteracting the spells. We should have gone to Dutton sooner. If, if we had then maybe Buffy wouldn’t have had to …” She trailed off, unable to go on.
Giles had heard enough.
“Look Willow, it is no one’s fault, not Buffy’s, not Spike or Angel’s, not mine and certainly not yours. It’s no one’s fault other than Quentin Travers. He knows how we work. He was prepared for it. How could we have known that the man would be so insidious, that he would use her, use them, in such a way? No, no Willow. It is not your fault and I refuse to let you take that burden.” Giles was adamant.
“And I won’t either.” Tara took her hand and gently squeezed it.
“Neither will I,” Buffy’s soft voice came from the doorway. The three jumped, so engrossed were they in their conversation that they didn’t notice her standing there.
“Giles is right, we must put the blame where it belongs.” Willow looked up at her, a small sad smile spreading across her lips. She got up and hugged her best friend. Buffy hugged back just as tightly. Once they released each other, she moved onto Tara, hugging the blonde witch in gratitude for all she’d done, all her help, especially with Dawn. Over the next few hours, the four talked about what needed to be done next, what arrangements needed to be made to check for a pregnancy and, particularly, the best way to tell the others. They all agreed to tell Xander and Anya last. Not that they thought Anya would be a problem but they knew Xander would be, and they weren’t certain that Anya would keep it secret.
Buffy wasn’t sure if they should wait to tell Spike and Angel until they knew one way or the other about her pregnancy. She never thought she’d see the day when she not only might be pregnant, be also had no clue who the father might be. Well, that wasn’t exactly the case, it was pretty much an either/or situation. Since Angel had just recently returned to LA and wasn’t expected back in Sunnydale for a while, Giles suggested telling Spike first. They would break the news to Angel when he returned. Suddenly, an awkward silence descended over them, all of their minds asking the same question. Who was going to tell Spike and Angel? Buffy’s expression made clear that if she could get out of it she would. Giles gave her a stern look and over the next five minutes or so, a silent battle of wills ensued, reflected only by the periodically changing expressions on their faces as they silently argued. The wiccas watched bemused. Then Buffy pulled out all the stops and resorted to sulking, it was the very same pouting and puppy dog eyes combo that she’d perfected during her teen years that always made Giles give in to her. Giles mock scowled at her ruthless tactics, recognizing THAT face. He threw up his hands in defeat, “Fine, fine, I’ll tell them of the possibility of your pregnancy, but you’ll have to tell them the results of the test.” He then smiled at her and she smiled back. After all she’d been through in the past years, and then this, it was good to see some of the old Buffy still there shining through. Besides, it didn’t make sense to make too much of this until they knew for certain. Although he didn’t think so, it could be a false alarm. But he’d let Buffy stay in denial a while longer. They could freak out after they knew she was indeed pregnant. A few minutes later Giles left for home, having promised to make an appointment for Buffy with his friend.


The next day

The Crypt

Spike woke up with a start. He’d lost count of how many times he’d woken up like this, panting, fighting and completely tangled in his sheets. He groaned from sheer exhaustion. He’d been completely drained and restless since he returned yet he felt like he had just woken up from a long deep sleep. Images of Buffy crying, terrified kept coming to him. In his dreams, her fear was palpable and he wanted nothing more than to end her anguish but he was unable to. He literally couldn’t help her. He couldn’t make his body obey him. He remembered having sex with her again and again, holding her, fucking her, watching Angel fuck her. Spike could only watch when she screamed and begged as their demons sexually attacked her.
He still loved her and to have their fragile relationship so violated was his greatest nightmare. He could barely live with himself after his attempted rape of her the year before and he never wanted to hurt her again. He hated himself. He desperately wanted to find her and put his arms around her to comfort her, to apologize, but they were the same arms that took her again and again in that prison just weeks before. He was so ashamed, so scared. ‘Bloody hell!’ As the memories continued to plague him, Spike began to cry and pulled his sheets closer as his heart mourned the loss of his slayer.
Just then he heard his crypt door open and he frantically wiped at the tears on his face, he refused to be seen acting like Peaches.
“Hello?” came Giles’ tired voice.
“Watcher?” Spike was surprised it was Giles who had entered his home.
“Spike?” Giles apparently didn’t realize there was a lower level.
“I’m down here Giles.” Spike shouted, he didn’t have the energy to get out of bed.
Giles came down the ladder, “Ah! There you are.”
“Yeah, sorry I’m not up to my usual hospitable self.” Spike replied sarcastically, “Did you need something?” Spike wasn’t in the mood to entertain guests. He’d never admit it but he wanted to get back to his brooding.
“Well, yes, um… I need to speak to you about Buffy.” Spike gervoervous. Giles went on to tell him about the Watchers’ Council, Travers and the gas. He then pulled out a book.
“I think Travers did this to you all because he was trying to fulfill a prophecy.” He passed the book to Spike and let him read the passage.
Spike jumped off the bed, forgetting he was nude. From Giles’ shocked face he remembered his lack of attire and pulled his sheets round his waist before he spoke.
“Are you telling me that she’s pregnant?” Spike’s voice conveyed his disbelief.
“We don’t know yet. I’ve made an appointment for next week with a friend ine ine to run some tests but I think you should be prepared if in fact she is. I mean, you could very well be the father.” Giles watched as Spike paced back and forth, swearing and muttering incoherently. Finally he sat, a haunted look in his eyes.
“How is she taking this?” His face was full of concern.
“Surprisingly well, which, unfortunately, I think means that… um… she is still in denial. I’m not sure that the reality of this has set in just yet. You have to understand, I don’t believe that Travers would have gone to all this trouble and then allowed us to find you, and I do mean allowed us,he whe weren’t certain that he had accomplished his goal. I haven’t been this blunt with Buffy but I do feel certain that she is pregnant. And I don’t believe that this is over yet.” He allowed his words to sink in before he continued. “Despite whatever she might say, she’s going to need you to get through this.” He wasn’t sure what he expected from the vampire before him but he needed Spike to know. Spike was silent for a few minutes, his head hung low.
“Does Angel know?”
“Not yet. We’ll tell him when he returns to Sunnydale.”
Then he looked up at the watcher, his blue eyes bright with emotion. “She doesn’t even have to ask. Whether it’s mine or not, I still love her, always will. No matter what happens, I won’t leave her alone.” Giles sighed internally, releasing a deep breath. The tension within him lessened considerably. In any other circumstances, witnessing the vampire declare his love and devotion for the slayer would have been truly disturbing to the watcher, but right then, at that moment, they were exactly the words that Giles needed to hear.
He nodded in acknowledgement and then headed out to the Magic Box, leaving the vampire with a small smile on his face and thoughts of children dancing in his head. It was a welcome break from his nightmares.

The Magic Box

Giles arrived at the Magic Box to find all the Scoobies were already there. Willow and Tara were busily researching anything on the prophecy he had shown them the night before. Willow was also looking for a powerful protection spell. She never wanted Buffy to be that vulnerable again, especially in her condition. Giles had already stressed his strong belief that Buffy was indeed pregnant to her and Tara, so she was operating under that assumption. She understood his allowing Buffy to come to terms with it on her own time. Anya was dealing with customers and Xander had just returned with donuts. Buffy was in the back training. Giles went to check in with her.
“How’s it going?” He kept his voice light, still not pushing her into talking unless she wanted to.
“Ok, I’m still kind of tired but ok.” She never took her eyes from the punching bag as she spoke.
“Tired? You’ve been a bit lethargic for a while now. Are you feeling alright?" He knew he was leading her but she needed to face this.
“Well, it’s pretty much been the same stuff for a couple of weeks now. You know, fatigue, slight nausea, occasional dizziness. I don’t think I reacted well to that shot they gave me. Maybe I’m allergic to whatever was in it.” She kept her focus on the bag.
‘Or maybe you’re pregnant?’ Giles marveled at Buffy’s ability to deny the obvious. Reading his mind, she spun towards him. “Giles, I know what you’re thinking. But right now, I’m barely hanging on. Please, until next week and we know for sure, I can’t even begin to think about it. These may be the last days before my life changes forever again. The last time that I won’t be someone’s mother, or at least mother-to-be. After the tests come back, everything will change. I need to stay in this place for a while. Just a little longer.” He nodded. He couldn’t take whatever might remain of her childhood and innocence away just. H. He’d let her be, for a while. Before he could leave she spoke again, “Did you see Spike yet?” He turned to face her.
“Yes, I just came from his crypt in fact.” He wasn’t sure if she wanted to have this conversation right then and there.
“And?” Apparently she did.
“And, well, he loves you. Whatever happens, you can depend on him. I don’t think anything’s changed in that department.” Giles was glad to see a small smile on her face. She looked so relieved. She then nodded. As he turned to leave, she spoke again.
“I’m not patrolling tonight. I’m telling Dawn what happened. We’re having a sisters’ night in, just the two of us. But I’ll hold off on … the rest… until later.” Giles nodded again, this time with a smile, ‘One step at a time, ol’ man, one step at a time.”

Spike stood in the shadows. He’d gotten dressed and taken the tunnels to the shop as soon as the watcher had left his crypt. He’d heard the entire conversation. He saw the little smile on her face. He wasn’t sure what Buffy’s feelings were but she didn’t seem out for his head. He smiled too. There just might be a silver lining in this very dark cloud. Out of all the pain they’d all endured, a miracle might be born, literally. He couldn’t describe it, but somehow he knew this was his child. His face lit up and his smile widened. Spike then left and returned to his crypt. He needed to rest since he was going to take patrol that n and and keep an eye on his slayer.


Summers’ Home

Buffy and Dawn sat on the couch watching Adventures in Babysitting, a half empty pizza box on the table. There were bowls of ice cream, chocolate fudge, M&Ms, tortilla chips and salsa. They were beyond stuffed, they could hardly move. Willow and Tara had gone over to Xander’s place to spend the night. The excuse of giving Buffy and Dawn time to bond wasn’t entirely untrue. When the film was over, the two sisters talked about school, work, and caught up on everything that had happened in Dawn’s life during Buffy’s recovery over the past weeks. Dawn knew this was a big night. Earlier that day when Buffy announced that it was going to be a “sisters’ night in” she knew it was time. Even though no one had told her, she wasn’t deaf, dumb or blind. She knew that something terrible had happened to Buffy in Dutton, and she wasn’t sure if she was ready to hear it. But, she wanted to. She wanted to help Buffy, if only by sharing the burden. Buffy let out a small, agonized groan.
“I told you not to eat so fast. Your stomach can’t handle all of those different foods in such a short period.” Dawn had no sympathy for the girl who insisted on stuffing herself with almost everything in the house. Buffy shot her sister a withering glance and groaned again. Eventually she dragged herself into the kitchen and took an antacid. A few minutes later, her indigestion had passed and she felt human again. When she returned to the living room, Dawn was sitting on the couch expectantly. ‘Well, can’t put it off any longer.” She crossed the room and sat next to her, holding a throw pillow in her lap. She leaned back against the couch and Dawn mirrored her position, her own throw pillow in her lap. Their eyes locked and Buffy began.
“Dawn, I know that I’ve been acting strange lately, since I got back from Dutton. ve pve probably gathered that it has something to do Spike and Angel.” Dawn nodded.
“Well, you’re right. But, before I tell you what happened I need you to understand that, although Spike and Angel did hurt me, they didn’t really have a choice in the matter. That they weren’t themselves, ok?” Dawn nodded again.
“Ok, well when we got to Dutton we checked out some places and ended up at this abandoned building. As it turns out, it was a trap and we were attacked and taken to this other house. I did send out the distress signal but apparently there was some protection spell or something that blocked Willow’s spells and prevented her from finding us. Anyway, they kept us in these rooms for about five days. During that time, they sent this gas in the rooms with us. It made Spike and Angel act different, made them mean. They were kind of like how they are without their souls.” She paused when she saw Dawn’s eyes widen and indicated for her to ask her question.
“Do you mean he was like Angelus? Did they try to kill you?” Fear in her voice.
“Well, they weren’t quite like Angelus, I mean, in that they didn’t try to kill me. But they weren’t how we know them either. They were mean. Giles says that the gas they were exposed to makes vampires go nuts, puts the demon in complete control even though their souls were still there. Their souls were pretty much suppressed. They didn’t have control over it.” She waited for Dawn to process that information before she continued.
“Do you remember when I lost my strength a couple years ago?” Dawn nodded again.
“Well, I think they put something like that in the food they gave me but it was probably stronger because in a matter of hours my strength was gone. Of course, I wasn’t aware of that at first, so I ate the food. It was a good while before I realized what was wrong with me.” She paused, drinking some of her juice to moisten her throat.
“Anyway, after they gave Spike and Angel the gas, they let them in the room with me?” She paused again, trying to think of the best way to say it. “Um, Dawn, do you know what an aphrodisiac is?” Dawn nodded and then, her eyes widened suddenly. Buffy decided to answer Dawn’s unasked question.
“They locked me in a room with two out of control vampires for five days.” She never broke eye contact with Dawn as she finished, “and they raped me, repeatedly.” Dawn visibly flinched and looked away when the word “rape” left Buffy’s mouth.
Dawn was silent for several long minutes, her eyes wide, her hands periodically squeezing the pillow she was holding. Buffy stayed silent as well, gauging her reaction. As the silence stretched out, Buffy reached over and took Dawn’s hands and squeezed them, turning her sister to face her. She waited until Dawn’s tear filled eyes locked with her own.
“Dawn, I’m going to be ok. It was a horrible experience. I won’t lie to you about that. And it’s going to be hard for all of us to get past this. But, I’m going to be ok. Angel and Spike, they were forced into it, just like I was. I know that neither of them wanted to hurt me. I’m not saying that everything is great between us, because obviously it isn’t, but we must remember that the people who did this to us are the bad guys here.” Dawn slowly nodded and then suddenly her head snapped up.
“Who are the bad guys Buffy? Who did this to you?” Dawn’s voice broke.
Buffy wasn’t sure if she should tell her this but she didn’t want to leave Dawn’s question unanswered.
“Uh, do you remember me ever mentioning this old guy from the Watchers’ Council called Quentin Travers?” Dawn looked puzzled. She was trying to remember everything she had ever heard about the Watchers’ Council. The name Quentin Travers was familiar but she didn’t think she’d ever met him.
“No, I don’t think I know who that is.”
“Well, he used to be the Big Boss of the Watchers’ Council but he was doing some things that he wasn’t supposed to, things like what he did to us. He arranged for it to happen.” Dawn then looked very determined. Buffy could see the many questions running through her mind.
“Well, Buffy, what happened to him? I mean, if you know who did it, did you catch him?” The teen was speaking quite rapidly now. Her mouth was trying to catch up with her mind.
“No Dawn, we didn’t. He got away. That’s why we have to be so careful because we think he may come back, to hurt us again.”
“Oh” was the only response. Then, “Buffy, why would he do that to you?” Dawn had no idea how much grief her innocent question caused her sister. Buffy tensed. ‘Should she just get it all over with?’
Dawn noticed the change in Buffy and immediately regretted the question. It was now Dawn’s turn to reach over and take Buffy’s hands, she decided not to back down. She gently squeezed them as she spoke in a soft voice. “Buffy, you can tell me. You can tell me anything. Please, I want to be there for you. You don’t have to keep this to yourself, you don’t need to bear this alone.” Dawn’s plea was Buffy’s undoing. Suddenly the floodgates broke and Buffy was awash in tears. She cried for a few minutes before she spoke. Dawn moved over and pulled her into her arms.
“Oh God, Dawn! It was so horrible. I can’t even begin to tell you. I nearly lost my mind in there. And that, … that monster took my strength and just locked me in there with them. For five days Dawn! Five whole days, just so he could … could…” she stuttered, unable to go on.
Dawn hooked her finger under Buffy’s chin and lifted her sister’s face, “Could what?”
Buffy took a deep breath, ‘Come on Summers, you can do this!’ “Um… apparently, there is a prophecy about a slayer, a vampire with a soul, and … and their all powerful child.” Dawn gasped, her eyes looking on disbelievingly.
“He wanted to get me pregnant to fulfill the prophecy, but since there are two vampires with souls, he… well, I guess he didn’t know which one the prophecy applied to. So, he put me in there with both of them.”
Dawn’s second question was inevitable. “Did it work?”
Buffy silently cursed her sister’s inquisitiveness, but there was no way out of it now. “Well, we don’t know for sure yet, I have an appointment for next week, but… I think so. I think I’m pregnant.” The spoken revelation was a shock for both sisters and they hugged each other tightly. Buffy was in denial no longer.
She hadn’t intended to tell Dawn everything just then but now that it was all out in the open, she felt better, relieved. Afterwards the sisters talked for a while more, and Buffy made sure to tell Dawn that they were waiting to tell Xander and Anya, so it was still a secret. Eventually they cleaned up, checked the house and went to bed. That night, Dawn slept with her sister.

Later, after patrol, Spike took up his post near the tree outside of Buffy’s bedroom window. There he remained, keeping watch over his girls until just before dawn.


tbc....