Change of Season

Cont.

A strong wave of nausea goes through her body, she turns over on her side, curling up into a ball. grabbing the box of saltines by the bed, she tries hard to hold back the tears. She can't cry now; not now. I'm such a fuck up. Always the fuck up. And I gotta fix this, gotta fix this… can't lose it now… I can't… I can't….
.

"Buffy?"

Joyce comes in to see her daughter curled up in a ball, and her heart sinks. Her emotions are all over the place.

On one hand, she can't help wanting to protect her baby. When she thinks of what that… monster calling himself her father did to her, it makes her blood boil.

And there's guilt, big guilt. She wonders where she was, that she didn't see what was happening right in front of her. Some part of her can't forgive herself for that one.

She also knows that Buffy is carrying a lot of guilt with her. Guilt, and pain, and a sense of not knowing who to believe, who to trust. She knows she can't protect her from everything, and in a way, she knows it's better if she doesn't. Otherwise, it could be a lot worse for her.

And there's the big hole in her heart because Faith, her love, her life; her everything wrapped in this incredibly sexy wrapper, is languishing in jail. All because she has some misguided sense of needing to prove herself part of this family.

Even if it costs everything.

That's the worst part for Joyce. She's finally found someone that makes her feel alive, and loved, and now she's gambling with what they have, because, in Joyce's opinion, she's just too stubborn to accept help.

"Mom?" Buffy sits up, pushing down the hurt and doubts. "Hi." She swings her legs over the edge of the bed, and starts to get up.

"Don't get up, honey. That's ok. I just got some breakfast here… " She holds up a bag. "Is Dawn in the bathroom?"

"Yeah."

It had to be a mom thing. But Joyce could hear every little bit of emotion freighted in that one word. Oh dear, now what? She thought, looking at her oldest daughter. For the sake of sanity and peace, however, even for a few moments, she decided not to push it.

"Ok, hon. Anyway, breakfast is here when you're ready," She places the bag down on the small table in the quasi sitting room at the front of the room."

"Mom? We've gotta go back to the police station. I've got to convince them Faith didn't have anything to do with dad's death. Please, mom… I know if I can just talk to them again, I can get them to believe me…"

Joyce lets out a sigh. "Honey, I know you want to help Faith. But the prints on the bat are hers. And she insists that you were out before anything happened. She says she came in and gave Hank a hit, not meaning to kill him, but he moved, and… " Joyce shrugs. "Now, I love that you want to help her, honey. And I'm sure, with a good lawyer, we can argue self defense…"

"She didn't DO it mom, that's what I'm saying! Dad… was beating on her. I thought he was going to kill her. And I just wanted him to leave her alone. I did it mom. ME. Don't you believe me?"

"Honey…"

"This is MY fault, mom. Mine, and I've got to pay for it. Not Faith, ME."

"Ok, Buffy, that's enough now…"

"No, mom, it's really not…" Dawn emerges from the bathroom. She's not smiling. "Buffy's right. This is her fault, and she has to make it right."

"You believe me Dawn?" Buffy is surprised at the unexpected support.

"That you hit dad? No, gimme a break, Buffy. You couldn't hit a cow at 3 feet. But this is your fault. If not for you, none of this would've happened, and Faith wouldn't be in jail right now."

"Dawn!" Joyce exclaims. "How can you say that? Buffy's the victim here…"

"Oh god, MOM! Stop it! You're doing it again!" Dawn crosses to her mom, standing in front of her. "Buffy makes a huge mess, she throws everybody's life into turmoil, and you stand there, trying to excuse her. Well, that's just crap, mom!" She turns to Buffy. "Buffy's not a child. She knew what she was doing was wrong. But did that stop her? No, it didn't, did it Buff?"

Buffy stands there, frowning. She wants to deny it, but she can't. She's right. I … this is my fault. I should've stopped it, should've told Dad to stop… but I didn't… and now…

"How could you, Buffy? How could you? Sleep with DAD? That's beyond disgusting! That’s…" Dawn looks like she wants to vomit. "…and now, because of it, Dad's dead, and Faith is in jail. I'm sorry, but I'm sick of it. Buffy might not be totally responsible, but she's not innocent, either. She could've stopped this before it blew up, and she didn't. And now, once again, she's going to get off with a slap on the wrist. IF even that!" She turns back to her mom. "And you let her do it. Every time. Even when it involves Faith, whom you're supposed to love…" She shrugs her shoulders,"… but who cares, right, mom? Cuz it's Buffy. So what if Faith goes to jail for her, right? Even if she's such a slut she forgets how to use birth control…"

"Be quiet, Dawn. That's uncalled for!"

"No it's not. Buffy's pregnant… by DAD! It's sick, it's perverted! It should be ABORTED!"

"Mom, no! We talked about this, you know that. Even Faith thinks I should keep the baby…"

"Right, Buffy, and when it comes out with 3 eyes and retarded?"

"Dawn!" Joyce yells.

"No, it's wrong. It's all wrong, but you're siding with her. Well I'm sick of it. All of it, and I'm really sick OF YOU!"

Joyce, pushed to her limits, strikes out. She slaps Dawn.

And immediately, is sorry.

"Oh, honey… I'm so sorry… but… you can't just say things like that… it's not right…"

But Dawn backs away. She holds up her hands, and is visibly shaking. From anger or fear, it's not clear.

She moves to the closet, grabbing some of her clothes. She then heads for the bathroom to change.

"Dawn, honey, please…"

"No, just leave me alone!" She turns to Buffy, an angry look on her face. "Happy now, Buff? Are you? You've done it again, just like you've been doing forever, it seems. You've ruined EVERYBODY'S life." She turns back to her mother. "I… I can't be here anymore. Not with you, or her… I'm sorry, but … I'm gonna see if I can stay with Willow. I'm not part of this… I won't be part of this circus anymore!"

"Dawn, don't," Buffy says, quietly. She moves over, and grabs some stuff out of the bureau. Then she moves the closet, grabbing a change of clothing.

"What're you doing?" Joyce asks, going over to her.

"Dawn's right, mom. You do always try to protect me, and now… you just can't. I'm going to dress, and then I'm going to the police station. And I'm going to stay there until someone believes me."

"Buffy, don't be ridiculous…"

"I'm not, mom. I'm finally not being ridiculous. Or a child. I've got to do this. I've got to stand on my own two feet…"

"I'm still your mother, young lady, and I forbid you to go!" Joyce tries to grab at her clothing.

"Mom, please, don't, " Buffy looks at her, her face determined. "This is something I need to do. Please, don't make it any more difficult, ok?"

"Buffy, don't!" Dawn moves over towards her. "I was just … I didn’t mean what I said."

"Dawn? You're a really crappy liar, you know that? You meant every word. And you're right. I should've stopped it… and I didn't… and now, I gotta do this…"

She moves towards the bathroom, but Dawn blocks her.

"Buff, don’t be an idiot. I said I'm sorry, and I am. I'm just worried about Faith…"

"Yeah, well… just move, ok?" This time, she shoves Dawn out of the way, and slips into the bathroom. She locks the door behind her.

"Mom, you've got to stop her. I really didn't mean those things I said…"

Joyce just shakes her head. Her mouth is a tight line across her face.

"Buffy's right on this one, Dawn. You did mean it, and right now, I'm very upset with you…" She picks up her purse, and pulls out her wallet. She puts some money on the dresser. "That should be enough for lunch and dinner. I don't think I'm going to be back before then. And if you have an emergency, you can reach me on my cell."

"Where are you going?"

"When Buffy comes out? Taking her to the police station, and staying with her as long as she needs me there…"

"I'll get dressed. I'll go with…"

"No, you're right, Dawn. You're not part of this. Maybe you should think about going to school today."

"But, Mom…"

"Or maybe, you should think of how incredibly stupid what you said was. Right now? I don't want to talk about it, or really, with you."

Before Dawn can say anything more, Buffy emerges from the bathroom, dressed. She heads for the door, and Joyce joins her.

"Mom, please. Don't try to stop me…"

"I'm not, honey. I'm going to drive you. It's a bit of a walk to the police station." She turns to Dawn. "I'll be back later…" She turns to Buffy once more. "You ready to go?"

Buffy nods, and both women leave the hotel room.


Dawn, stunned by the turn of events, doesn't know exactly what to do.

She walks over, and sitting on the edge of the bed, stares at the floor.



7


"Aw, crap!"

Willow stopped, and leaning against the cliff face, struggled to take off her sneaker. Shaking it out, she notes a large pebble hit the trail in front of her.

"I hate the beach," She grumbles, replacing her shoe and tying it. "Why did she want to meet here, anyway? She knows I turn into a lobster at the beach. Why couldn't we just meet at the Bronze, or the Espresso pump or something if she didn't want to meet at her house?"

Grumbling, Willow follows the path along the sea cliffs. The sound of lose rock crunching under her feet just adds to her annoyance. This sucks, you know? I've got other things to do … better things to do than go acting like some stupid mountain goat…

Yeah, that's been your excuse the last couple of months, right? Better things to do? Couldn't even take an hour or so to go and visit her? She's your friend… you both agreed to that back on that night…

Willow can't help feeling guilty. She planned to find some way to make a fresh start with Cordelia. And then, with her Father dying… and all the stuff in the papers … even though they tried to hush up the details… wonder what that was about? Why the secrecy, anyway?… she vowed she'd go see her, because she knew she'd need support. But with Buffy, and all the attendant craziness, she'd had an excuse to put it off. And put it off. Yeah, great friend you turned out to be, huh? Maybe that's why you're so annoyed, because you're feeling just a little guilty?

The call had come out of the blue. Before she could even think of a reason to refuse, she agreed to meet with Cordelia. Early, on the sea cliffs. Brilliant move, Willow almost slips on the rocks. Really brilliant!

Still, something in Cordelia's voice didn't allow her to refuse. Not exactly desperation or neediness… god, I don't know what, but I just couldn't say no… She looks down, the quickly looks back up, feeling a bit of vertigo. Still, does she have to torture me this way?

She rounds a corner, and stops. There, sitting at the far edge of a little plateau, Cordelia is sitting, looking out at the sea.

Willow has sort of kept in touch with Harmony, since she shows up occasionally at school… something Cordelia doesn't. Harmony warned her about some changes. But this is more than Willow expected.

Gone is the long mane of hair, thick and lustrous. Instead her hair is cut very short, barely brushing her shoulders. And Willow doesn't know if it's the sun, but she would swear her hair looks lighter… she can definitely see some streaks in it… something the 'old' Cordelia would never allow.

She is dressed differently, too. No designer jeans here. God, those look like they came straight off the shelf at the gap! And her shoes, boots, looked old, and scuffed. Certainly not what Cordelia would normally wear. Completing the 'ensemble' is a gray hooded sweat shirt.

Yet, somehow, she even makes this look glamorous. How does she do that, anyway?

Cordelia turns, and seeing Willow, smiles.

"Hey."

"Hey," Willow responds, not moving. Not sure if she wants to get too close until she's sure of Cordelia's mental state.

"So, what? You gonna stand there all day? Come over here and sit down. Promise, I won't bite."

Well, tongue is sharp as always, Willow thinks as she moves over and sits down.

"So, what do you want, Cor?"

"Well, gee, Will. It's good to see you too. How've you been?"

"Ok, ok. I'm sorry. I meant to come see you sooner, but things have been rather crazy lately, and I've been busy."

"Yeah, I get it," Cordelia says, turning back to the sea.

"I mean it. Things have been crazy. With Buffy's dad dying…" She continues on, nervously. "I mean, first Faith is accused, and then Buffy goes in and confesses she did it, and the D.A. makes up some crazy theory that they were both in it, and Buffy being under house arrest, because she's pregnant, and I'm trying to be sure she's ok and getting to the doctor and then trying to help Dawn who's imploding and Joyce who's off the wall with worry and her having to put up her house and gallery and…"

"I said, I got it, I read the papers Will.. " Cordelia sighs, hugging herself, "My dad died too…"

"I know, I'm sorry…" Willow puts a hand on her shoulder. "I mean, I'm sorry for your loss. I can't really be sorry he's dead… not after what you told me…"

"My loss?" Cordelia chuckles dryly, as if Willow made a joke. "My loss. Yeah, that's good, Will…" She turns to her, her expression unreadable. "I'm sure Avery would love it if I were mourning him. I’m sure he's somewhere, screwing something, wanting me to miss him…"

"Cor…"

"No, no pity Will, ok? The more I think about him, and what he did to me, the more I hate that man. That …" Cordelia struggles to keep it clean, and fails. "That fucking bastard!"

"Cor, you're angry right now. It's part of grief. Give it time. You'll feel differently…"

"God, I hope not! He was… he was… aw shit, he's gone. He can't do anything to me anymore. He was a fucking prick bastard, raping me, getting me to offer up my friends like a bunch of sacrificial goats, all because I thought I loved him! I wanted to please him, be LIKE him. God, I was good, wasn't I, Will? I was perfect. The perfect little Avery clone, in a female wrapper! I don't ever wanna feel different, Willow. Not about that bastard. Not after what he did to me, what he made me. I was a monster, just like him…"

"That's not true, Cordelia! You were doing what you had to do to survive. You can't blame yourself for what he did…"

"What about what I did?"

"He made you that way…"

"Oh, right…" Cordelia mocks, "So, I guess if I'd offered you up, you'd forgive me now? Is that what your saying, Will? Cuz, I could've been spared a few beatings if I had…"

"God, Cordelia, how could you even ask that?"

"Precisely, Willow. That's my point. Easy to blame Evil Avery, but I had my hand in his … schemes too. I almost gave you up to him. Almost, that's my only saving grace. You were my only saving grace…"

"Cor…"

"Let me finish, ok? Like I said, I've had lots of time to think, but no one to talk to about it… I can't talk to Harm. I mean, she's sweet, and she loves me, and I love her, but when it comes to the serious stuff?" Cordelia shakes her head. "She's just not capable… "

"Give her time, Cor. She's not as dumb as she puts on. She's just used to deferring to you."

"I wish she'd stop it… but I won't hold my breath waiting for it…"

"Is that why you brought me here? To complain about Harmony?"

"No…" Cordelia lets out a long sigh. "No, I wanted to say I'm sorry…"

"What?"

"About what I did to you, what I almost did to you…"

"Cor, we've covered that. I'm not saying I'm over it. I'm not sure I'll ever get over it completely, but I live with it, and I forgive you."

"Thing is, Willow, I can't just live with it. The more I think about things, the more I find. And I'm realizing something now. Something that makes me even worse than I thought." She stops, cocks her head, and frowns. "I'm so jealous of you…"

"What? Jealous of me?"

"Yeah, oh yeah. I mean, I think I was even jealous… back then. Not consciously. Hell, I had everything, or so I thought… but I know now I'm so jealous of you. What you had. Parents, real parents. Not … what I had… do you even know how good you had it? Have it?"

Willow looks at her in amazement.

"What? You think I had it easy? Get real. How do you think my dad reacted when I came out? He hated me! Oh yeah, my 'perfect' dad couldn't even look at me, he hated me so much…" Willow shakes her head. "Ok, maybe … maybe that's too harsh. But he hated what I was. He thought I was … he thought I was …" Willow can't even say it, it hurts too much, still. "Even now, even though we're trying, both of us, to be more tolerant, I can still tell he hates that I'm gay. He thinks it's perversion. He can't help it, it’s the way he was raised. But believe me, that doesn't make it any better."

"At least, you've got a mom …"

"Yeah, when she's there. And even then, it's more about how she appears to others, than how she cares about me. She's all into the social stuff, and the latest theories on anything. She doesn't have time to really talk to me, to get to know me. I don't even think she cares…"

"But she's there, Willow. And she's alive, and she never abandoned you to a monster…"

"Your mother's dead?"

"Yeah, I found out… just recently, at my dad's funeral. My aunt Jenny showed up. Out of the blue. Shit, I didn't even know I had an Aunt Jenny ,and damn there she is. And we talked. A lot. How my mother was weak, and loved Avery, but couldn't take the abuse. And she left, and she wanted to take me, but Avery scared her off. Threatened her. And she … she couldn't live with herself, and she killed herself…"

And it breaks. Cordelia's cool breaks. Tears rush down her cheeks, smearing what little makeup she's wearing.

"Oh, god, Cordelia I didn't know…" Willow takes her in her arms, hugging her.

"I thought… I thought she hated me. That's what Avery told me. She hated me, never loved me. Left ME!" Cordelia sobs, shaking in Willow's arms.

"Shhh, shhh, it's ok, Cor, it's ok…"

"No, it's not ok…" Cordelia breaks away, pulling herself together. "It'll never be ok, Will. I hated her. Hated her for leaving me, for not loving me, and all the time she did love me. I wished she would die, and she did die, and now? I just wish I had one day with her. Even a hour…"

Her mask, the mask she's worked on for years, falls back into place. She's under control again.

"But I guess, I'll never get that. Too late for regrets, Will. Too fucking late."

"Cor, what can I do? How can I help?" Willow can't help but feel her pain. She doesn't want to, but she can't help it.

"I don't want to be like him, Will. I don't want to be him anymore."

"You're not! You're not like him at all…"

"Bullshit, and you know it. It's too easy for me to be exactly like him. I'm fighting every day to be different… to make it right. To make things right." Her face softens. "But I need help, Will. I need your help."

"I want to help, Cor. I do. But I don't have a clue…"

"I'm rich, Willow. Filthy, stinking rich. I have to give it to old Avery, he knew how to make money. He left me a pile, and when I'm 25 and take over the business, I'll have a lot more…" She grips Willow's hand, firmly. "Thing is, I don’t wanna be like him, Will. I don't want to be anything like him. I've got all this fucking money, and I want to do good things. Things to make up for the crap he did, for the crap I did. And I can do it, I know I can, but I just don't know how…that's where you come in."

"I don’t understand."

"Will, you're good with this stuff. The goody- goody stuff, you know? You know stuff, stuff I don't know. I need someone to help me make things right…" She looks into Willow's eyes. "You're the smartest, best person I know. Will you help me?"

Willow can't help blushing.

"I… I want to, I really do. But I can't … not now, anyway. Not with what's happening with Buffy and everything… I just have to be there for her…"

"I understand… and that's …I want to help there, too. See, I did screw with her, and enjoyed it. Yeah, I did. But I did wrong, and I've had lots of time to think about it. Lots of time. Seems lately, that's all I've done… is think. Think and… well, check into things…"

"Ok, again, you're confusing me. What does that mean?"

"It means, Willow, that my dear old dad screwed Buffy's dear old dad out of his business. I only learned it when one of the accountants was going over things, sort of demonstrating what I would be responsible for, when I came of age. Thing is, he happened to pick out a business deal between my dad and Buffy's dad. I asked about it… oh, screw that, I grilled him about it, because … well, it concerned Buffy, and I already was feeling guilty about things… and he bragged how my dad had cut out this one partner, named Hank Summers. He somehow got something on him, and blackmailed him. He thought it was clever. I wanted to throw up…"

"Whoa. You're saying Avery stole Hanks' business?"

"Oh yeah he did. And I want to make it right. He had no right to do that… and I wanna fix it. No… " Cordelia frowns. "… I have to fix it. After what I nearly did to Buffy, I owe it to her…"

"Kind of late, Cordelia. Hank's dead…"

"Yeah, I know. But still, she needs help, right? I mean, legal help…"

"Yeah… but Joyce has it covered. She's getting the best lawyer she can afford for them…"

"But what if I could get her the best criminal lawyer on the west coast?"

"You… you could do that?"

"Oh yeah. Brian Farmer. Best criminal defense attorney… just happens to work for one of the many firms my Father has an interest in…" She grins.

"That sounds expensive…" Willow says. "I mean, I'm sure Joyce would be appreciative… but she couldn't afford it."

"Who said she had to? From what I can gather, Hank's business has been very profitable. I think his fair share for the business would more than cover Brian's fees…"

To say willow is surprised is a grave understatement.

"You'd do that?" She gets wary. "Ok, why would you do that?"

"You don't trust me?" She gets her answer from Willow's expression. "Ok, I guess I've got that coming. But this isn't some scheme, Will. I really do want to change…"

"But why help Buffy? You could give money to any charity…"

"Let's say we have something in common. We both lost our father recently. And we're both kind of in trouble, but in different ways. Say… say I feel for her… and I get where she's coming from…"

Willow looks at her, a strange expression on her face.

"What else do you know about her?"

"Nothing, really. Well, what I've read in the papers… that she's pregnant. I guess … this really must be a rough time for her…look, really, I know you think I'm up to something, but I'm not. I want to help, no strings, no favors…"

Willow debates with herself for what to her seems like hours, but is only seconds.

"I want… no, I need to tell you something, but I need you to keep it in confidence. Promise me, on whatever you hold sacred…?"

"I do. I promise… but why the mystery?"

"You have to know, Cor, that you and Buffy have a lot more in common than you think…".




7

The trial itself was anti-climatic.

Anti-climatic, and surreal, from Buffy's point of view anyway.

She spent a couple of weeks, sitting at the defense table, watching as the parade of witnesses, experts and police took the stand, testifying for the prosecution or defense.

The prosecution, led by a young ADA named Jason Wheets, tried to prove some kind of elaborate conspiracy between Buffy and Faith, based upon Faith's tampering with the bat, and other circumstantial evidence. It was almost Grand Guignol in its drama, focusing on the lurid details of the 'relationship' between Buffy and her father, and weaving a pattern worthy of the worst of soap operas. Buffy alternated between feeling sick and feeling luridly fascinated by the utter garbage coming out of the prosecution.

Their own lawyer, Brian Farmer, started on the offensive, and never moved from there. From day one of the prosecution's case, he blew holes in the 'murder by conspiracy' theory, framing the case in its true context: A girl was assaulted and molested by her father, and through accident, he was killed. Self defense, pure and simple.

The judge and jury agreed, finding Buffy and Faith not guilty of murder, conspiracy and all related charges.

Except evidence tampering. For some reason only known to themselves, the jury returned a verdict of guilty on the charges of evidence tampering against Faith. It made no sense, except that the nature of Faith's relationship with Joyce came out during the trial (so much for not going public), and perhaps the community as a whole, and the jury in particular was wagging its collective finger at them. Whatever the reason, the judge looked a little disgusted by the finding.

"Ms. McKerrigan," Judge Aaron Kaplan looked at Faith, who with Buffy was standing at the reading of the verdict. "You've been found guilty of evidence tampering, a class 3 felony…" He looked briefly over at the jury, his annoyance plain on his face. "Evidently your peers seem to think you shouldn't go unpunished, for whatever reason. I must say, after all you've been through, I couldn't disagree more."

Buffy and Faith, along with Mr. Farmer, stood quietly, an air of nervous tension still at the defense table.

Maybe he'll just throw it out. I mean, he can do that, can't he? Buffy thought to herself, hoping this nightmare would just end, finally.

"However, I'm not one to overturn a jury's verdict, as much as I disagree with it. I want that plainly in the record, just how much I disagree…" He glanced at the verdict sheet, and shook his head, letting it drop back on the bench. "Evidence tampering carries a possible 5 years in prison, and 5000 dollars fine. For the life of me, however, I can't see the value of putting you in prison. You acted hastily, I agree, and wrongly. However, your motives were good, and putting you in jail would just be foolish. You're no threat to the community. I'm sure your peers, " again he threw a disgusted glance at the jury, "… would agree."

"Therefore, I'm sentencing you to 2 years probation. Also, so you realize that the court doesn't encourage tampering with a police investigation, I'm sentencing you to 250 hours of community service. I'm pretty sure that will satisfy everyone." He brought his gavel down sharply. "We're done here, people." He rose to leave.

"All rise!" The bailiff called out, and as the courtroom rose to its feet, the judge turned and swept out of the room.

"We won?" Buffy looked stunned, and still felt confused, as if in a bad play.

"We won," Brian Farmer agreed. "Congratulations."

He is quickly surrounded by Buffy and Faith, who hug him almost simultaneously. He doesn't get off easy, as their support team, including Xander, Dawn, Oz, Willow and Joyce surround him, congratulating him, Faith and Buffy.

"Thank god it's over!" Joyce hugged Buffy tightly.

"Yeah, it's over," Buffy said quietly. She broke from her mother's embrace. "I'm sorry, I'm feeling a little… do you mind? I think I need some air…" She stood there, looking a little pale and wan. She nodded at the exit, indicating she wanted to step into the hallway.

"Are you ok, honey? Do you want me to come with you?"

"No! I mean, no, I’m ok, I'm just stressed out, and junior is kicking up a storm inside…" She put a hand on her swollen belly. "I think we both need a few moments to settle down."

Joyce looked at her daughter with a mixture of worry and a little pride. Over the months, since she walked out of that hotel room, determined to do the right thing, Buffy has changed. She no longer was so prickly and so quick to temper. As she grew in size, her temper and rebelliousness seemed to shrink. Much as she hated the hows and whys of Buffy's pregnancy, in terms of maturity, she couldn't be more impressed.

But that didn't keep her from worrying about her.

"Ok, honey. You go ahead. We'll be out in a few moments." Joyce wanted nothing more than to play watchdog over her daughter, but she also knew pushing it would only upset her more. And she's had enough stress lately. Too much! Way too much stress…

As she watched Buffy make her way towards the exit, a pair of arms encircled her. She smiled, and turning, found her lips captured by a familiar pair.

"I guess this means conjugal visits are over?" Joyce teased Faith, knowing serious wouldn't go down well right now. There had been enough of serious lately to last both for a lifetime… or two. They both needed a serious break from the drama of their lives.

"Yeah, I'll show you conjugal," Faith's hand slips around, squeezing her.

"Faith, we're in a courtroom!" Joyce blushes. But that doesn't stop the tingles.

"Just exercising my constitutional rights here, babe." Faith leans her head against Joyce's shoulder. She sighs softly. "God, I'm fucking glad that's over!"

And the serious is back, in spades. Joyce can feel the younger woman shaking in her arms.

"Hey, it's ok now," She soothes the younger woman, stroking her back. "It's going to be fine now…"

"Yeah, just… God, hate to admit it, but I was fucking scared there for a moment…or a few. The look on the juror's faces when they came back in, I thought for sure they were gonna send me and Buffy away forever…"

"The prosecutor was…is… a moron. Did he really think you and Buffy cooked up some plot to kill Hank? I think he was trying to make a splash… and fell right in the mud puddle. Well, good! I hope he gets canned!" Joyce says, her anger increasing.

"Whoa! Slow down, chill Joyce! He was just doing his job!"

"Job, my ass! Persecuting two young girls because some… monster… tried to …" Joyce gets angrier.

"Wow… so butch!" Faith teases her. "I like it!"

Joyce stops, looks at Faith, and starts to laugh.

"How do you do that?" Joyce says, pulling her close and hugging her.

"What?" Faith said, feeling a little crushed. "Ooof!"

"Make me laugh. At myself." Joyce eased up a bit.

"It's a gift, girl. Face it, I'm special."

"Yeah, or truly crazy. I'm going for the latter."

"I guess I must be," Faith admits, pulling away a little. "I mean, look who I hooked up with."

"You!" Joyce gave her a whack on the bottom. "When I get you home…"

"Promises, Joyce, always with the promises!" Faith laughs. "So, can we get out of here now?"

"Sure, just let me collect Buffy out of the hallway, and we'll…"

"Joyce? Hallway? She went outside?" Faith's face grows a little pale.

"Yes. She said she wasn't feeling well, and wanted to get some…" and it hits her.

Sunnydale isn't a big town, and something like this trial isn't the usual run of the mill thing.

"Oh god, the reporters! I didn't even think about that!" Joyce says, breaking away and heading for the door.

Faith follows her in hot pursuit.

"What's going on?" Willow turns to Tara, who's standing next to her.

"I don't know… but it doesn't look good," Tara says, watching them go.

They give each other a look, and follow after the couple quickly.


* * *


Buffy looked like she was a doe, caught in the headlights. She was surrounded by reporters. The rapid fire questions, mixed with the strobe effect caused by flash guns going off, made her heart thump crazily in her chest.

"Ms. Summers. How does it feel to be acquitted of all charges?"

"Is it true that you and your father had an ongoing affair?"

"What does your mother think of all this?"

Fortunately, Oz saw Buffy leave, and realizing that the paparazzi might be out in force, followed her. He inserts himself between the pack and the lamb, shielding her from the horde.

"Hey! Back off! Hasn't she been through enough? Just leave her alone!" Oz said, moving back and forth to keep the pack of reporters at bay.

At that moment, Brian Farmer appeared, and smoothly moving to the reporters, started deflecting them.

"My client isn't answering questions right now, but I'll do my best to speak for her…"

"Mr. Farmer, over here. Do you believe your client got justice? After all, she was accused of murder…"


As her lawyer handles the mob, Joyce, Faith, Willow and Tara emerged from the courtroom into the maelstrom. Some of the pack attempt to get close to Faith and Joyce, but Willow and Tara ran interference. Joyce and Faith moved to Buffy, each flanking a side.

"God, I just wanted a little quiet," Buffy moaned, looking scared. "Why can't they leave us alone?"

"Let's just get out of here, honey," Joyce said. Looking at Faith, they turn and start away, leaving the pack behind.

Oz, Tara and Willow act as a shield to the three, and somehow, with Mr. Farmer's help, they managed to lose the crowd. Exiting through a side door, they find themselves in an alley next to the courthouse. Buffy leans against a wall, panting deeply.

"Are you ok, honey?" Joyce asked, seeing her complexion. She also saw the beads of sweat. "Are you in pain?"

"I don't feel very good," Buffy admitted, closing her eyes and trying to keep her balance. She felt sweaty, and dizzy, and she hurt all over. "Something's not right."

She suddenly let out a low moan, and slides down the wall. The ground below her becomes suddenly very wet.

"Oh my god," Joyce knew exactly what's going on, having been through it a couple of times. "Her water broke!"

Tara broke away from Willow, and went around to Buffy, kneeling beside her. She put her fingers to her pulse point.

"How far apart?"

"Huh?" Buffy looks at her, voice weak.

"The contractions. How far apart?"

"I dunno. I've been distracted. I … I guess about 10 minutes?"

"Buffy, why didn't you say anything?" Her mother asked, "How long have you been feeling this way?"

"All day… last night some… yesterday?" Buffy looked a little panicked.

"It's ok, Buffy," Tara assured her calmly. "It's normal. You were in pre labor… but things have begun in earnest now. We should get you to the hospital."

"But…It's too early. I'm only at 34 weeks. I'm early…"

"Babies are notorious for not watching the calendar, honey," Joyce smiled at her. "You were late, about 3 weeks late, while your sister couldn't wait to get out…"

"Oh, mom, gross!" Dawn said, from behind her.

"Better pay attention, honey. This could be you someday," Joyce said. "We've got to get to the hospital. But Buffy needs some things from home…"

"We only have the one car…" Buffy said, looking at her mom.

"I've got my van here," Oz said, quietly coming up around. "We can go in that, and someone can take Joyce's car and get Buffy's things."

"But, your band stuff…" Buffy protested.

"Is at home. I figured …" He shrugged, looking sheepish. " … something like this might happen…"

"Faith. Take my truck," Joyce took charge, digging in her purse for her keys. "Go get Buffy's stuff from home. Pack her a bag. Buffy and I will go with Oz…" She looked at Tara, who nodded. " Tara will go with us. Dawn, you and Xander and Willow go with Faith."

"Mom?" Buffy tried to stand up. "Can we go now?"

Joyce, along with Tara, helps her up. Oz goes to fetch his van, while the others follow Faith.

"It's going to be ok, isn't it mom?" Buffy leaned heavily on her as they walked down the alley towards the parking lot.

"It's going to be fine now, it's going to be fine."



8


"Ok, Buffy. Push. PUSH!" Tara exclaims, "It's close. I can see the baby's crown…"

"I'm pushing, god, I'm pushing!" Buffy moans, her face scrunched up. She makes another effort, grunting deeply from the effort. "God it HURTS!" She looks at her mom, her eyes unfocused. "It hurts sooo much!"

"It's ok baby," Joyce daubs her brow with a cloth. "It's almost done now. "

"I'm not ready, mom," Buffy groans, grunting as she feels her body pushing, "I'm really not ready to be a mom. " She grips Joyce's hand fiercely. "I can't do this, I really can't…" She starts to cry, from pain and fright. "I don't know what I'm doing here…" She lays back, her head turning on the pillow.

"Don't worry, honey. It'll come to you…" Joyce leans over, smoothing her brow. "There's no manual. You'll do fine…"

"We're almost there," Tara calls out encouragement. "One more push, Buffy."

"I can't… I can't…" Buffy pants, exhausted. "I don't have another in me…" She turns to Oz, who's standing by. "Can I have some ice chips, please?"

"Sure baby…" Oz leans in, pushing a spoon against her lips. Buffy opens her mouth, feeling the cooling ice against her tongue.

"I'm sorry," She mumbles, spilling some on her chest.

"It's ok, not a big…" Oz grabs at towel, dabbing at the ice on her chest.

"No, I mean… I'm such a … god, Oz, I never meant this to happen… I just… I don't know…"

"Hey, don't. It's all good, babe…"

"You should dump me," Buffy moans, another pain going through her. "You deserve better…"

"Don't be an idiot," Oz scolds her gently. "We talked all about this. I'm not going anywhere."

"I love you… oOOOOOOHHHHHH" Buffy sits up suddenly. Then she grunts, pushing hard.

"That's it!" Tara exclaims, standing up. In her arms is the baby. She gently massages the child, and the baby begins to cry lustily. "Well, she's got healthy lungs, I must say." Tara grins. She looks at Oz. "Do you want to cut the cord?"

Oz walks over, and taking the scalpel, he gently cuts through the umbilical cord. Tara smiles; tying it off, takes the baby over to clean her up.

"Is she ok?" Are the first words out of Buffy's mouth. "Is she healthy?" She looks at her mother. "I want to see my baby!"

"Patience, mom," Tara says, swaddling the newborn in a blanket. "Don't want her to get cold, do you? She's just been in a very warm place, and it's cold out here." She walks over, laying the baby in Buffy's arms.

Buffy looks down at her daughter's face, and it's love at first sight. She smiles dreamily, and looks up.

"She's so beautiful," Buffy says, almost in awe. "Look at her! Isn't she just the most beautiful baby ever?"

"Of course she is," Joyce smiles, knowing the feeling. She felt the same way with each of her daughters.

"I'm… I'm going to go tell the others…" Oz moves away, towards the door.

"Don't go…" Buffy reaches out to Oz. "Come over and say hi… please?"

"I'll tell the others," Joyce says. "You stay." She gently pushes Oz towards her daughter. She turns, and moves towards the door.

"You're coming back, right? I mean… you're not leaving, are you?" Buffy calls out.

"No, that's not going to happen. I've got a granddaughter to look out for now…" Joyce smiles.

She watches briefly as Buffy holds the baby up to Oz, and then slips quietly through the door.


* * *


"What time is it now?"

Willow looks at Xander, her face plainly worried.

"About five minutes since the last time you asked," Faith replies, pacing the waiting room.

"Uh, I didn't ask you," Willow says, a little irritated.

"Well, if you look, Xander is asleep."

It's true. Xander is sitting up, but his head is back, mouth open. And there's a tiny line of drool running down his chin.

Dawn for her part, is laying down on, head on Xander's lap. She's snoring quietly.

"God, look at them," Faith continues. She sits, then is back up, pacing again. "How can they even sleep."

"Not sleeping," Dawn raises her head a little, her eyes still glued shut. "Just resting my eyes."

"Well, it's been a long time." She looks at Faith. "What time is it now?"

Faith rolls her eyes. "God, how long is this going to take, anyway? I mean, what if something went wrong? I should be in there…" She sits briefly. But her legs taps, her nervous energy not letting her sit still.

"It's not like a cake, Faith. There's no 'set time' for childbirth…" Still, she seems worried herself. Now she's up, starting to pace. "I mean, they'd tell us if something was wrong, wouldn't they?"

Faith is about to answer when she sees Joyce walking down the hall. She's up, almost running over Willow to meet her.

"Is she ok? Is everything alright?" She grips Joyce by her arms, trying to read her face. "Is the baby ok?"

Oh yeah, she doesn't care, Joyce almost laughs to herself.

"She's fine. So's the baby. A fine, healthy little girl."

Willow is over, waking up the sleeping beauties.

"Xander, wake up."

"Just five more minutes, ok?" Xander mumbles, groggily. "What?"

"Is it over?" Dawn sits up, stretching. "Is Buffy ok?"

"Yes, it's over," Joyce has come over, "You're an auntie. And your niece? A real heartbreaker."

"Oh wow! Did you hear that?" She grabs Xander, giving him a big kiss on the lips. "I'm an aunt!"

Xander, surprised after the coolness in their relationship, raises his brow.

"You should become an auntie every day," He grins, obviously happy at the change of temperature.

"Can we see her now?" Dawn is up, leaving Xander behind. "I want to see my niece, now, ok?" She pours on the charm. "Please?"

"I don't know, Hon. I mean, Buffy's just been through a lot. Maybe we should let her rest now…"

"Actually," Tara comes up, behind Joyce. "She's asking for you. I guess she wants to show off her new little girl." She puts on a stern face. "But she is tired, and so is baby. So don't stay too long."

"I think maybe Xan and I will see wait," Willow says, noticing Xander's expression. "I mean, we don't want to wear her out. This should be family, anyway."

"You're family!" Dawn says, "I'm sure she'll want to see you…"

"No, it's ok, Dawnie," Willow smiles. "You guys go ahead."

"Are you sure?" Joyce asks, noticing Willow hesitation. "I know Buffy thinks of you like a sister, hon. You're really family…"

"Thanks, Joyce," Willow smiles. "We'll be here tomorrow, with bells on. Buffy's been through enough tonight."

"Ok…" Joyce knows something's wrong, and she doesn't want to push it. "We'll see you tomorrow then." She turns to Dawn. "Let's go see your sister, what do you say?"

"I say yeah," Dawn says, linking her arm through her moms. "So, is she pretty? Does she look like me?"

Faith chuckles as the three of them walk down the hall.

"Is everything ok, Will?" Tara asks, catching the tension.

"Yeah, it's fine, Tara. I just need to talk to Xander." She comes over, and plants a kiss on Tara's cheek. "See you later?"

"Sure, call me, ok?" Tara returns the kiss. She turns, and walks down the hall.

"Hey, you can go on… I'm ok," Xander says quietly, sitting down.

"Liar," Willow comes over, and sits next to him. "Oh, Xander." She pats his knee.

"You know what? I'd do anything for her. Anything she wanted…" He looks down the hall, unsmiling. "But I guess that just isn't enough." He shrugs, and stands up.

"Xander, she cares about you. It's just, right now, she's been under a lot of pressure. Things have been hinky. You've got to cut her some slack."

"I'm not going to dump her…" Xander looks offended. "I'd never do that. I'm just getting ready for being dumped."

"Xander, you don't know that's going to happen."

Xander looks at her sadly. "Look, Will, I know I act like a fool, but I'm really not, you know. Things haven't been right for awhile. And it's not just what's going on at home. She just…" He hangs his head, not wanting to vocalize what he feels. "I'm going home, Will. I'm bushed. Tell her…" He stops, and looks at her, almost desperate. "Tell her something. I don't know what. You're better at that stuff than me."

"I'll go with. I'm kind of wiped, too," Willow stands up, grabbing her purse.

"Don't you want to wait for…" He nods towards the room.

"Tara? No, I'll call her later. She knows that," Willow links her arm with his. "Right now, my best friend needs me."

"I thought Buffy and you were like this…" Xander holds up his crossed fingers.

"Well, we are. But you're my best boy friend, you know?"

He looks at her and smiles. "God, why couldn't you be straight?"

"Why couldn't you be a girl?" Willow shoots back.

"I dunno," Xander shrugs. "Curse of the Y?"

Willow chuckles, and they walk down the hall towards the exit.


9


Buffy lays back in bed, still feeling wiped out. And sore, so very sore. She moves around in her bed, hoping to get comfortable.

The morning sun has woken her, and at first she feels disoriented, not knowing exactly where she is, or why. Then the last 24 plus hours come back to her, and she lays there, feeling a little lost and helpless.

God, could things GET any crazier? We just get cleared on the charges about Dad, and then boom. I gotta have a baby. Someone up there really doesn't love me too much.

She sighs, settling back in her bed. Of course, can I really blame that on anyone but me? Yeah, I got absolved, at least legally. But really, aren't I to blame? At least partly to blame? I knew what I was doing wasn’t right…

She closes her eyes, trying to squeeze back the tears that seem so ready to come.

Darn hormones. She grumbles to herself, trying to blame this on anything but grief. I loved him. I really loved him. I know it was wrong, but I thought… I thought if I… it would keep him around. Keep him in my life. Ha, that's good. In my life. And he's dead now… because of me…

She turns on her side, trying to block things out, and turns right back over again. Ok, think we'll not do that again, she winces, still feeling very beat up. This all is so unreal. God, I wish I could just hide away and not see anyone. I don’t' wanna be here. I don't want to be a mom. I don't want any of this. God, I'm still a kid! I should be thinking about college and dates and boys. Not about formula and diapers and daycare…

She's just about to pull the covers over her head to hide when the door bursts open, and the largest stuffed bear she's ever seen walks into the room.

Ok, already feeling like Alice through the looking glass. Now I'm seeing living stuffed teddy bears. I'm losing it, folks!

"Hi," The bear says, in a rather feminine voice.

"Who… Cordelia?" Buffy sits up, recognizing the voice.

The bear drops down, and Cordelia's face appears over it's head. She smiles, a little ruefully.

"Hey, guess my disguise didn't work too well, did it?" She says, walking with the bear over to the bed. "I brought this for you. Well, actually, for your baby." She looks around. "Where is the little tyke?"

Tyke? Who the heck uses tyke?

"It's early yet. They haven't brought her in yet…" She looks at the bear, sitting on the bed. "Thanks for the bear."

"I think maybe I should put it over…" She looks around, and spots a chair. "There… in the chair I guess." She walks over, and unceremoniously plops the bear down. She turns back to the bed. "There. That's better."

"What're you doing here?" Buffy asks, very confused at seeing her here. Confused, and wary.

Cordelia stops, looking somewhat guilty. She stands at the end of the bed, seemingly nervous about drawing closer.

"Yeah, I kinda figured you might be asking that…" She says, looking for an opening, any opening. "I … uh… well, ok. I'm here because… I needed to bring this…" She points at the bear.

"You could've had it delivered," Buffy says, still wary, "Thank you by the way. But… I'm still clueless. Why the bear, and why are you here, anyway?"

"Yeah, we keep coming back to that, don't we?" Cordelia moves around the bed, now moving to the side. "I… ok, I admit, I've been working up my courage to come see you. I mean, I know we didn't part on the best of terms…"

"No, pretty much, you called me a skank just before you kicked me off the cheerleading squad. Oh, and you made my life at Sunnydale pretty much hell after that. Yeah, I guess those aren't the best of terms." Buffy stares at her, tight lipped.

"Yeah, I did that. Pretty…" She lets out a breath. "I'm really sorry about that."

"Uh-huh," Buffy's face reflects her disbelief. "You'll kind of excuse me if I don't buy into that. From what I know about you, you're not sorry about anything you do."

"I guess I deserve that. That's true, or used to be. But things have changed for me recently…"

"Oh yeah, I know. I was there when Willow put you in your place, finally."

"That isn't what I mean," Cordelia says, a slight edge to her voice. "Things have been kind of rough lately…"

"Oh, gee, what happened, Cor? Did daddy take away your credit cards? Gotta say, that's rough."

"Buffy, my father died."

Buffy feels as if she's been hit right between the eyes. She softens, a little.

"I'm sorry," Buffy says quietly. "I didn't know…"

"I understand, considering what's happened with your family…"

"What do you know about that?" Buffy sighs, shaking her head. "What am I saying? It's been in all the papers. Yeah, well… we got off… so I guess it worked out ok."

"I know … I was there in the courtroom when you were acquitted."

"You were?" Buffy is surprised. "I didn't see you." Her tone turns suspicious.

"Well, duh. I didn't want you to see me. I was in the back, and well… not dressed like you expect me to be dressed. As I said, I didn't want you to know I was there…" She rolls her eyes. "of course, I didn't realize that I was sitting in the regulars section. Quite a group of characters… something I'm not sure I want to repeat."

"Yeah, well… why?"

"Why?"

"Why were you there? What's the point?"

"I was interested in the outcome. I wanted to see if you… well, if Brian was doing a good job for you, and if we were going to have to mount an appeal. I can't believe they made a conspiracy charge out of that. It was clearly self defense…"

Buffy looks at her, amazed.

"Wait a minute. We mount an appeal? What's this 'we' stuff?"

"Brian? Brian Farmer. Your lawyer? Where did you think he came from? He's the best criminal lawyer in this part of the country. He works for a firm my daddy employs… well, employed…" She furrows her brows. "Still hard to think of him as gone. My father, I mean…"

"Hold on! What the heck are you saying? Are you saying you paid for Mr. Farmer?"

"Well, yeah…"

"Ok, I've had enough. I don't know what your game is, Cordelia, and frankly? I don't want to know!" Buffy glares at her. "Are you deaf? I asked you to leave!"

"Wait a minute! What the heck is wrong with you?" Cordelia bristles.

"What's wrong with me?" Buffy sits up, clearly agitated. "Hasn't my family had enough crap these past few months? Do I need you coming around smearing more crap? I happen to know my mom put up her gallery, and the house, for the legal stuff… she's going to be paying for it for years. Me too, matter of fact, cuz I'm not going to let her do it alone…"

Cordelia sighs, relieved.

"Hey, I think if you ask your mom, you'll find that an 'anonymous benefactor' put up the money for the legal defense. That, and also, for your medical bills."

"You'll excuse me if I don't believe you."

"You want proof? Ask your mom."

"Believe me, I will. But even so, why should I believe you did that? I mean, think about it, Cordelia. Considering our history, it's kind of beyond the fantastic."

"I know you don't believe it, Buffy, but it's true."

"Gee, why wouldn't I believe it?" Buffy says, her tone sarcastic. "Oh yeah, lets see. There's trying to get me raped at a college party, and then there's the whole cheerleading thing, and making me the outcast at school. You even spread rumors about me and Willow… and now you're telling me your really Santa Claus in Gucci…" She stops, and takes a good look at Cordelia. "… hey, what's with the… where's your usual clothing?" She looks carefully at Cordelia. "I mean, you wearing Levi's? and … that blouse looks like it came from K-Mart. What's the deal?"

"As I said, Buffy, things have changed… a lot."

"Oh? What happened? They cut off your trust fund or something?"

"No, Buffy. Not at all," Cordelia says, quietly. "It's just fashion, being the latest and greatest, and having the best of everything? Just doesn't seem so important anymore…"

"That's right. Your father died… I'm sorry, I forgot…" Buffy sighs. "but that still doesn't excuse what you're trying to pull here…"

"I'm not trying to pull anything, Buffy. Everything I've told you is the truth."

Buffy stares at her a moment.

"Ok, let's just pretend I believe you. I'm not saying I do, but let's pretend. Why, Cordelia? We're not friends. We've never been friends. Pretty much, that was by your choice. So, why are you doing this now?"

"You know, I've been thinking about that, trying to figure it out myself," Cordelia admits. "I guess it's because we have something in common…"

"Right. I'm secretly a wealthy heiress, and a total bitch," Buffy mocks her. Then she frowns. "Ok, maybe the last part is true, but really, Cordelia, what do we have in common?"

"Both our fathers' are dead."

"Yeah, well… that's true…" Buffy turns her face away. "Of course, you didn't kill your father…" She trails off, a surge of guilt going through her.

"Well, you didn't either, Buffy. He killed himself… he just used you to do it."

"Look, Cor. I appreciate the stroke, I do, but frankly, what do you know about it?"

Cordelia's lips tighten.

"Oh, so you didn't sleep with your father too?" She drops the bomb.

Buffy stares at her, mouth open.

"Cordelia, that's not funny…"

"It wasn't meant to be, Buffy. I've been… well, I was … sleeping with my father. Ever since I was thirteen…"

Buffy can't speak. The feeling she's had the last couple of weeks, that her world resembled a Kafka novel, just grew exponentially. She continues to stare, open mouthed.

"Buffy, you might want to close that…" Cordelia points at her mouth.

Buffy slams her mouth closed. Still, she stares at her.

"You feel this is all your fault, don't you? That somehow, it's your fault that your dad's dead…"

"Not somehow, Cordelia. I swung the bat that killed my father…"

"But you weren't meaning to kill him, Buffy. Were you? I mean, you hit him because you were trying to save your friend. What's her name … the annoying brunette girl."

"Faith."

"Yeah, her. But it was an accident, Buffy. You weren't trying to kill him. Only hurt him, make him go away, right?"

Buffy nods, somewhat amazed. "You get it?"

"Oh yeah, I get it, big time. I know there were lots of times, if I had a bat, I would've used it on my father…" She hangs her head, somewhat ashamed of feeling that. "I guess it wasn't necessary, in the end…" Her voice and face hardens. "But there were times I wish I had used a bat on him…"

"Cordelia!"

"No, Buffy. I'm sorry. I tried to mourn for him. I really did. But I can't. I'm glad he's dead. I'm glad he died…" She leans on the railing on Buffy's bed. "I guess that just makes me a monster, doesn't it?"

"Cordelia… I just … I don't know what to say…" Buffy is flabbergasted. This whole experience is starting to feel like a Dali painting.

"I'm not looking for sympathy, Buffy. I've got my own demons, and I've got to deal with them. But I just wanted you to know I know what you're going through."

"Frankly, Cordelia… you really don't…"

"So, again… this baby? It's not your fathers?"

Buffy covers her face with her hands. She doesn’t want to look at Cordelia anymore.

"What are you? A witch? How did you…?"

"Buffy, I was pregnant by my father, too. When I was 14… I got pregnant… but he didn't … he made me abort it… then he had my tubes tied, so I could never have children again…" Cordelia's mouth twitches, "I guess dear old dad didn't want to take any more chances on another bastard baking in the oven…" She looks at Buffy with overly bright eyes. "I can never have children now…"

Buffy, despite herself, can't help feeling for the girl. She reaches out, putting her hand over Cordelia's.

"That's… awful, Cordelia," Buffy feel a hitch in her throat. "How could he… why would he…?"

"He was an incredibly cruel man, Buffy. That's why… I don't feel sorry he's gone. Though sometimes, I can't help it. I miss him. I mean, he taught me things, too. How to be tough. How to …" She leans heavily against the bed, and for a moment, Buffy is afraid she's going to pass out. Then she shakes it off. "Sorry… It just overwhelms me at times…"

"My father never did that to me…" Buffy says, somehow suddenly wanting to… no, needing to talk to her. "I mean, he always treated me like… well, a lover. Like someone he was in love with. I was in love with him. Oh god, I can't believe I just said that… but it's true. I loved him. But that last night, he was… he went… crazy. He started beating me and chasing me… and then he forced himself on me… but … "

"You still love him?"

"I don't… I don't know… I know I feel guilty because I killed him… because it was all my fault!"

"No, Buffy, it wasn’t. It was his fault, Buffy. Believe me, I know. I've had lots of time to think about this…" She gets down, squatting by the bed so she's more level with Buffy. "He used you, same as my father used me. He manipulated you, played on your feelings. But he didn't love you, Buffy. Not like you wanted him to love you."

"You don't know that!" Buffy gets suddenly angry. "He might have! He DID. He did love me! I know it… I know it…"

Buffy suddenly is so sure. Somehow, something in the back of her mind tells her that all he did, the running around, cheating on mom, tells her he never really loved her. Like Cordelia said, not like she wanted him to.

And suddenly, the rest comes. The anger, the pain, and the guilt she's been storing so deeply, so tightly comes bubbling to the surface. The feeling of being betrayed, the feeling of being used, the anger she feels because no one helped her, or even really noticed… overwhelms her. She starts to shake, and then she starts to sob.

Cordelia knows she's hit a nerve, and she moves in, putting her arms around Buffy.

Buffy clings to her, confused, angry, but needing to be held. And Cordelia holds her tightly.

"It's ok, Buffy. It's ok to cry. You gotta, if you're going to make it to the other side. Go ahead, let it out, let it all out."

Cordelia holds her, caressing her back, as Buffy lets out years of pain. Her own face becomes wet with tears. The very tears she hasn't been able to shed before.

The thing is? She needs someone who understands, who has lived it, just like she has. She needs Buffy, as much as Buffy needs her.

"It's going to be ok now, Buffy," Cordelia holds her, her own voice full of emotion. "We'll get through this, you and me. We'll do this, because we're tough. We're survivors…"

And somehow, whatever it takes, Cordelia intends to make that happen.

She has to. Her own life and sanity depend on it.


10


A little later that morning, Buffy is still laying in bed, recovering from emotional hangover.

Who would've thought me and Cordelia had so damned much in common, anyway? God, she just reached in and pretty much wrenched my heart. Damn her, she has no right to make me face reality like that! She still knows exactly which buttons to push. When I'm feeling better, I'm going over there and kick her sorry ass.

Then thank her, cuz she's right. We'll get through this somehow, and it is good to talk… ok, weep my eyes out like a baby… with someone who really knows what it's like.

But I gotta wonder if we'll really make it? I just don't know…


At that moment, a nurse's aid walks in, carrying her child. Buffy looks up, and suddenly forgets about herself, and focuses on her child.

She comes by that honestly, considering.

"Hi, Mrs. Summers…"

"That's Ms. Summers. I'm not married."

"Oh," Sara Patterson, the nurse's aid blushes. Nice going Sara! "Sorry. I brought your daughter… she was feeling a little hungry, and I think she needs her mommy now…"

Buffy lies there, still not quite used to that. Mommy. God, I'm a mommy. Man, I'm so gonna mess this up… I'm just a kid myself. How the heck am I supposed to raise a kid? And not make a total mess of it? God, how can you do this to me? How can you do this to her??

Buffy takes her baby into her arms, and looks at her face. All her doubts seem stupid all of a sudden, when she looks at her little baby girl.

"So, what's her name?" Sara asks.

"Oh, sorry," Buffy looks up and Smiles. "She's Emma Danielle Summers. What do you think?"

"That's pretty…"

"Emma is my mom's mom name, and Danielle… well, I have a really good friend that's helped me a lot lately. I think she should have some recognition here… don't you think so, Em?" She coos at her baby.

"Well, if you need anything, just ring. I'll be back in a little while to take her, after she's had her breakfast."

Sara smiles, and waves, and walks out, leaving Buffy alone with her daughter.

Hmmm… wonder if she'd leave me alone with you if she had a clue that I don't have a clue here?

Buffy adjusts her hospital gown, revealing her breast. She places Emma's face next to it, and smiles when she goes for the gold.

Well, no one had to tell you where the feeding station was. Thank goodness for that.

Buffy settles back, letting Emma do her thing while she stares off into space, thinking about things.

"Hey, you, guess I better warn you. You pretty much pushed your way into one crazy family. I better clue you in before they get here, just so you got the straight stuff…" Buffy chuckles to herself. "Right, like I got a clue? Ok, well, I guess you better know me first. But we've been talking for so long now, I feel like we know each other. I'm Buffy, but you can call me mom, ok? I'm probably the squirreliest of the bunch, just ask anyone… but honey, I'm really, really gonna try to be a good mom. I promise. I really want to be a good mom. And I got help…"

"There's mom, that's grandma to you… oh god, mom's gonna have a Guernsey when people start calling her that. Especially Faith. Now, she's a character. She acts all tough, and well, she is tough, but she's got this big old heart, and she really listens… you'll like her… but no riding on her motorcycle until you're at least 16, got it? Anyway, we were talking about mom, right? Well, she's smart, and she's got this mom stuff down cold. And I'm sooo gonna need her help with you. And … and if you tell her I said this, I'll say you're lying… but she's like the best mom, ever. But you didn't hear that from me, got it? We'll blame Dawn…"

"Oh boy, you're Aunt Dawn? She's gotta couple of screws loose. And she's a total brat. Trust me, I'm not lying here. Well, ok, I'm a total brat too. But she's a bigger brat. And annoying… look, remind me in a couple of years, and I'll tell you something about her…" Buffy grins, a little evilly, " … why I gave her the nickname Squirt… heh…" Buffy's face softens. "Thing is, despite that? I love her. And she's a good sister, even if she bugs me to no end. And I know she loves you. She was all "Oooo" and "Aaah" over you last night. And I don't know how it happened, but you got her eyes… just like I wanted. She's got such pretty eyes… I'm so jealous!"

"Scared yet? No?… Oh, you're done… ok…" Buffy lifts Emma away from her breast, and cradling her bottom, holds her over her shoulder, rubbing her back. "So, where was I? Oh yeah… well, I guess you should know about your Auntie Will and Uncle Xander. Now… Will, she's like gay. I know that doesn't mean squat to you, but trust me, you don't want to make fun of her. I mean, the girl gets Zero in the humor department, you know? But she's smart, wicked smart. Kinda like your Auntie Dawn. Both are pretty smart… but again, I'm not admitting it if you tell them. Anyway, she's too serious. I'm hoping you'll help me get her to lighten up, just a little… of course, her new girlfriend, Tara? She's sweet, and she's good for her… and maybe she can get Will to laugh a little more. God, she needs something to make her laugh, you know?"

"So, let's talk about your Uncle Xander…"

At that moment, the baby burps. Buffy laughs, and cradles Emma under her arm.

"Oh yeah, you pegged it," Buffy giggles. "He's a little bit of a doofus. And the guy's got no taste at all… he's dating Dawn, for goodness sake…" She holds the baby up, cradled in her arm, her hand supporting her head. "Yeah, that's right. Dating Dawn. Can you believe it? Someone's that crazy? He's crazy, uh huh he is baby…yes he is… big old crazy doofus… uh huh…" She brings Emma down, and settles her in the crook of her arm. "Comfy there? Good… Oh yeah, Xander. Ok, he's a little crazy… but he's really a good guy… and I know he's just gonna be like your big protector…" Buffy sighs, feeling a little tired. "Oh, and your other protector? Oz… you gotta love Oz…" A big, slightly goofy smile comes on her face. "He's a little funny looking, you know? So not my usual stud muffin type. And talking to him is an art all by itself… but he's just sooo… I dunno, he's so… I dunno, but I love him. Yeah, mom's hopeless. But I think I picked good this time… and I hope he feels the same. Again, he's not big on expressing the emotions…"

Buffy yawns.

"God, I'm bushed. Go figure. Been lying on my ass all night, and I'm still drained. Oh well, you're a pretty tough kid. I still feel like I've been like 40 rounds with Mike Tyson…" She yawns again. "Sleepy… did I forget anybody?…" She looks over at Emma, and smiles. "You're just too beautiful, you know? Not fair…" She lays back, holding Emma carefully. "Ok, let's see… Oh yeah… Cordelia. Cordelia Chase… I dunno… jury's still out on her. I mean…I wanna trust her, but I think we got some work to do there… but she seems to want to help you… and hey, she's like loaded… still… well, the thing is… we got a lot in common… but we'll talk about that later, ok? Mom's tired…"

She lets out another sigh, and her eyelids droop a little. "Just gonna shut my eyes for a second, ok?…"



Tara Maclay opens the door to Buffy's room, and stops, catching the scene.

Buffy and her new baby, Emma, are fast asleep. Buffy is cradling the newborn in her arm, and is snoring quietly.

She smiles, and walks over, gently taking Emma from her.

She's come in early to see Buffy. After the delivery, Buffy had panicked. Started talking about how she was too young for a baby, how she couldn't take care of a baby. Tara had stayed with her awhile until she got her calmed down. Still, she'd been worried about her. A lot of young new mom's have severe depression after birth, and she wanted to be sure that Buffy was going to be ok. Find help for her if needed, and counseling.

Holding Emma in her arms, and looking down at Buffy, she feels a lot better. Buffy is sleeping peacefully, a small smile on her lips.

"I think she's gonna be ok now…"

Quietly, she takes Emma out of the room.


Fin.