Becoming I

* * * * *

Becoming Human 2

Sunnydale May 1998

Screams rang harshly through the mansion. Drusilla danced happily, humming merrily to herself as Spike watched her disgustedly.

Again screams rang, broken by muffled sobbing, followed again by screams of pain.

"Nonononononono," Xander chanted silently, helplessly to himself as his body rocked under the increasingly savage thrusts. He could vaguely feel his broken rib each time HE rammed into him. Tears of fear....of pain, fell unceasingly down his face.

Angelus grinned savagely down into the boy's face, enjoying the pain he was causing as he slammed brutally into the boy's blood slicken ass.

"Not so cocky, now are, boy? Where's that quick wit, those sarcastic comments, huh boy," he gasped out, plowing into the boy's defenseless body. Cold pleasure suffused his eyes, his face as he drank down the boy's agonizing screams, dark joy filling him at each scream, each sob from his little fuck-toy.

"Why havent' you told Buffy yet," Angelus growled down into the boy's face, each word punctuated by a short brutal thrust.

Gloating as he gazed into the desperate eyes, loving each hate filled look on the boy's face. He loved taking the boy this way, face up so he could stare into the boy's terror filled eyes---so that the boy would always know who was fucking him. He chuckled hoarsely, looking down into the boy's eyes he groaned with pleasure thinking of the Slayer's face when she found he was fucking one of her precious little friends

He rewarded the hatred he saw in the boy's eyes with a particularly brutal thrust, relishing the agonizing scream that he ripped from the boy.

"Where are all your little smart comments now boy," Angelus taunted him hoarsely, as his hips drove deeper into the boy. He licked the helpless tears of rage, of pain from the boy's face as he continued riding the boy.

When the boy had first confronted him in the hospital where that Slayer bitch lay sick, he had wanted to rip the little fucker's head off, but like the boy had said, there were too many people around. Retreating in fury, he made his way back to the mansion and viciously fucked Drusilla. But her screams just didn't do anything for him anymore, oh sure it was fun banging her and watching the helpless rage on Spike's face but it just wasn't ringing his bell anymore.

And it was only when Dru started babbling about a baby that he began to get a glimmer of an idea of how he could further fuck with that stupid bitch! He had at first thought of the little red-head but decided that she would be way to easy to break; then he thought of Giles, before his mind wandered to the boy.

And a plan was formed. Considering how the majority of the young males were constantly trying to prove what 'men' they were, it should be fun when the Slayer found out that she wasn't able to protect her little friends and, as an added bonus, he got to make the little smartass his bitch. But the boy had proven to be surprisingly elusive to his hunting, and he was surprisingly good at fighting. It had taken both he and Dru to subdue the boy. Angelus realized then, that it was only around the Slayer that the boy was inept.... but any human would look inept compare to her deadly grace.

He knew the girl would only blame herself for this, all because she wanted his accursed souled self back. He frowned darkly, but the boy had proven tougher to break than he had anticipated. He had been so sure that after the first time, the stupid fool would have run sobbing to his precious Slayer. But here it was four weeks now and still the fool boy kept his goddamn mouth shut. Maybe he would need to up the ante a bit more, he grinned cruelly into Xander's face punishing the boy with another hard thrust as he finally flooded the boy's inside with his come.

"I asked you a question boy," Angelus smiled pleasantly, brutally slapping Xander face. Again and again he slapped the boy, watching with dark unmitigated joy the bruises blooming on the boy's tearstreaked face.

"Oooh, I forgot," he smirked maliciously, "Dru hasn't removed the spell yet, hmmmm? Maybe I'll have her change the spell a bit---how about I make you come to me in the school library and I fuck you right there, in front of all your little pathetic friends," he hissed, watching the fear flood the boy's eyes before it was rigidly controlled.

He was grudgingly impressed by the boy. Under normal circumstances he would have probably brought the boy into the family, but looking down into the boy's eyes, he knew Xander would be far to dangerous as a vampire. He knew, demon or not, he would be the demon/boy's first target. Besides, his grin widen, it was such fun hurting the boy, making him BLEED. His screams were like a beautiful symphony, he thought with a smile.

"Hmm, you wouldn't like that, would you boy," he mused, pulling his bloody cock roughly out of the boy, the moan of pain made him glad that he had chosen the boy over the Watcher.

Soulboy should be grateful, should be thanking him for putting the boy in his place instead of whining, the boy had annoyed Soulboy as much as he annoyed him. But instead all he got was 'Whine', 'Whine', 'Whine' from the dumbass, like he had forgotten what he/they had did with William, with Drusilla.

He strolled naked across the room and into the shower, feeling the water wash the blood from his body from where he had pressed against the boy's lacerated chest. Watching the bloody water swirl down the drain, he frowned, if the boy would only tell the Slayer what he was doing to him, he would have the bitch chasing her ass for a few more days until it was too fucking late....Acathla would open and would be 'Bye Bye, Sunnydale, Welcome to Hell!' Beside, he sulked, he wanted to see the shame and humiliation on the boy's face when he told her, he wanted to see the horror and pain on the Slayer's face----he wanted the BOY to tell the Slayer what he was doing, it would be no fun at all if he HE had to tell her.

He'll just have to come up with a new way to distract the Bitch, he thought as he dried off and strode back into his bedroom. Ignoring the boy chained to the bed, he dressed and grabbed a flask off the dresser. It tasted terrible, but worked like a charm on the stupid boy, partially healing him for more fun and games, he smiled sadistically.

Strolling over to the bed, he straddled the boy, forcing his mouth open. Smiling at the naked hatred that boiled off the boy, he shivered with pleasure, nearly tempted to fuck the stupid boy again. Pouring some of the liquid down the boy's throat, he watched cruelly as the boy coughed and choked on the foul drink. He saw with critical eyes, some of the bruising around the boy's face and throat faded a little, as the lacerated flesh became a little less red and inflamed.

Climbing off the boy, he yelled for Dru to get him the fuck out of here and take him home.

Drusilla danced into the room, "Daddy, is it done?!" She was so excited! She would at last have a baby sister or brother and she would hold it and love it and stroke it forever and ever.

For a minute Angelus looked blank before his expression cleared and a fond indulgent smile crossed his face, "Not yet, I think a couple more go's should do the trick, whaddaya say, huh Wheels," he smirked pikepike.

Spike sneered around his fag, "Stupid Ponce, I bloody well don't see why ya ain't killed the boy," he snorted. "Ya ain't gonna get a kid like that, Princess," he said coldly, relenting as her lip began quivering and bloody tears fell from her eyes. He glanced surreptitiously at the boy with an inward smirk. Dru wasn't the only one that knew how to mix up a brew. With a bit o' luck, what his Sire just poured down the whelp's throat might break the spell on the boy! That'll distract the bastard enough to slow him down, if not, he'll get the Slayer to finish off the stupid wanker, he thought sullenly. He liked this fuckin' stupid world, ain't no way he was gonna let Acathal open and ruin all his fun.

"Ah, c'mon now, Pet, ya knows I was just only funnin' ya," he said with a smile, trying to get her to stop crying, wincing at her wails.

"But, Daddy said it'll work and I can have one," she pouted, stamping her foot.

Both Angelus and Spike exchanged weary looks. They had each tried again and again to make her understand that one: Vampires could not have children; and two: two males could not produce children! But she was fixated on her insane idea and badgered Angelus until he gave in and let her work her magic on both him and the boy. Beside her magic wasn't gonna work anyway, so what was the point of getting upset?

The only extra thing he made her do was lay a spell on Xander, forcing the boy to come to him, every week. After the first week, he had her do another spell, silencing the boy's angry curses, allowing him only to scream.

"Fine, Dru, whatever, just take the boy and dump him, but remember NO snacking on him until I say so," he warned her sternly.


Xander lay bloody and bruised on the bed praying that soon they would all slip up and accidently fall on a wooden picket fence, or maybe absentmindedly walk into the afternoon sun. There were time when he hated Buffy with all his soul, with a black foulness that sometimes took hieatheath away. Lost in his thoughts he was distantly aware that he was being picked up and the sensation of movement.

If it wasn't for her and her obsessive love for Angel, he wouldn't be in this fucking mess. If she had staked him like she should have, he wouldn't be hoarse from screaming; his body wouldn't hurt from the blows and he wouldn't have been....he flinched mentally from thoughts of his other injuries.

He didn't know if he could take anymore of this. It took every ounce of will power not to run to her and throw himself at her feet, crying----telling her what Angelus was doing to him, week after week. But he was afraid.....afraid that he would see hatred and contempt in her eyes for being so weak, the fear that she would blame him....the fear that she still wouldn't kill Angel.

Sometimes he wanted to scream at them whenever they mentioned the fucking pictures that Angelus drew of them sleeping, it was a fucking picture for God's sakes! He was the one getting raped! His thoughts shudder to a halt as he admitted the truth to himself.

Raped.

That was what Angelus was doing to him, raping him. Something that he never thought would happen, at least not to HIM! Clawed, bitten, gutted, and everything in between, but never RAPED. Maybe it was stupid of him to believe it, but men just didn't get raped. Feeling fresh tears welling from his eyes.


Vaguely he was aware that movement had stopped and he felt himself lowered slowly to the ground. He was barely able to bite back the groan of pain behind his clenched teeth, glaring murderously at Drusilla. God, how he wished he had some sort of supernatural eye power, like....like fire, just to see her and Angelus shrieking and burning, maybe not Spike, he thought grudgingly, but on a matter of principle he might as well make it a 3 for 2 sale. He chuckled silently, he was aware that Angelus was planning on killing him eventually, but not until he had finally broken him. One reason why he was holding on so tightly to his sanity, that and trying to figure out a way to kill Angelus.

Drusilla carefully arranged his legs, brushing gently at the tears falling down his face. She frowned in puzzlement, "Why are you so sad, Kitten? I thought you would be pleased. You and Daddy will make a beautiful baby and I'll be the bestest sister in the world. I've been practicing, see," she said with hushed excitement.

Drusilla twisted and pulled a battered doll from a pocket, shoving it into his face, "See, Daddy gave me this to practice on so I can be ready when the baby is finally here." Drusilla hugged the ratty looking doll to her chest, her dream of holding the baby soon to come truemembmembering what Miss Edith had promised her.

Xander rolled his eyes, cursing the spell that made him unable to put together two words. Each week he fought the spell, trying to force the truth out to the sanity challenged vampiress. But all he could force out from his mouth was "Nnnnnnnnhhhh," shaking his head frantically. You stupid bitch! Men can't have babies! He screamed silently to her.

"Oooh, pool lil'l Kitten, getting' all worked up," Drusilla crooned, stroking her Kitten's damp hair away from his face, "Miss Edith and the stars told me that you'll make a wonderful papa. I can't wait," she giggled softly, madness shining in her eyes. "Bye bye Kitten, I'll see you next week," she singsonged, waving merrily at him before swiftly leaving him there. She knew he would be perfectly fine, afterall no demon in his right mind would dare to touch the property of Angelus, his smell was all over her sweet lit'l Kitten. A frown disturbed her face, but Kitten wasn't being very nice, she pouted. He got to play with Daddy more than she did, she thought sulkily. She brightened, maybe one Daddy has the baby, he'll let me eat him! Happy with that idea she darted home, eager to tell Daddy, forgetting everything the stars and Miss Edith had told her.

Lying in the cemetery Xander could feel the spell loosening it's grip on him. He was surprised, usually he had to remain in whatever position Dru put him in for at least 3-4 hours before he was able to move and make his way slowly home.

He glanced up at the lightening sky, sensing the approach of dawn and felt hope rising for the first time in weeks as he slowly wiggled his fingers. Nearly crowing with excitement as he felt the tingling sensation spread throughout his body, very much conscious of the absence of pain. Heh, heh, heh, that dumb fucker must have gave me too much of that shit, he thought meanly. Deep inside, he could even feel the loosening of that other spell that force him to go to the mansion like clockwork every fucking Friday! Well that bastard gonna get a real nasty surprise next Friday when I throw a gallon of Holy Water at his undead ass and shove a stake in his chest.

He stumbled home, planning elaborate strategies of torturing Angelus, each one more gruesome and vivid in his mind until he became grossed out by the images. Like he would ever have the strength to do anything to Angelus. But if he ever found a way to get rid of Angelus---permanently, he was gonna take it and deal with the consequences later.

He finally reach home just as dawn broke ovhe the treetops, stumbling up the stairs as quietly as he could, reaching his room in safety. Grateful at least that his father wasn't home yet, he couldn't deal with the 20 questions right now.

Stripping off his clothes with a weary sigh, carefully avoiding looking in the mirror, he grabbed clean clothes. Putting on his robe he headed for the bathroom to wash the filth from his body. Nobody must know!


Mr. and Mrs. Harris sat at the breakfast table, silently determined to have it out with Alexander. They weren't stupid despite what the kids thought; they were determined to stop Alexander from treading the path he was on and especially from hanging with those hoodlum friends of his.

Mrs. Harris shook her head, and that Willow? I always thought she was a nice girl, too! Well just goes to show you that appearances can be deceptive, she thought.

"Is he still.....," Mrrrisrris said uneasily. While he dreaded this confrontation, he was resolved that they put Alexander back on the straight and narrow!

"Yes, he still in the shower. This is his fourth just this morning," Mrs. Harris frowned and sighed.

About 15 minutes later, Xander bounded down the stairs with a cheerful mask on his face.

"Good morning, parental units! Mom, you didn't cook breakfast did you? 'Cause, man I am starving. Dad, please tell me you cooked," Xander pleaded.

"Of course I cooked," his father snorted, "As if I would let your mother near the stove. I've almost finished paying off Christmas three years ago." All three shuddering, remembering the flames shooting out of the stove. The kitchen had to be totally remodeled.

"Alexander, sit down, we need to talk," his father said heavily.

"Sure, what the sit," Xander nodded agreeably, tensing imperceptibly at the grim looks on his parent's faces.

"The sit?" Mr. Harris frowned, these teenagers with their weird language. Whatever happened to old-fashioned communication?

"Situation," Xander explained briefly.

Mr. Harris nodded, "Alexander, we know what's going on and why you've been sneaking around at night," he glanced at his wife before continuing, a stern look on his face at his white-faced trembling son.

They know! Xander shrieked and began to shake in horror.

"Alexander, dear, we don't blame you," Mrs. Harris assured her son, "We blame those rotten kids you're hanging with." She nodded sagely, "We all know that musician are always into that kind of life and we all know how rich kids thing that normal rules simply don't apply to them," she paused for breath as Mr. Harris took over smoothly.

Xander sat there blinking, his panic subsiding into total confusion. Musician? Rich kids?! Oz and Cordy?! I am so not getting any part of this speech, he thought.

Mr. Harris took a deep breath, "Tell us, Alexander, is it that marijuana or...or that Crap," he demanded.

"Crack, dear, it's called Crack," Mrs. Harris murmured.

"Crap, Crack it's all the same! I won't stand for in my house," Mr. Harris said sternly. Then both he and his wife watched as Xander began laughing hysterically.

"Drugs?! You think I'm doing DRUGS?!" Xander managed to gasp out, feeling like crying. Here he was, night after night, patrolling with Buffy, getting raped by the psychotic nightmare version of Buffy's boyfriend and they thought he was using drugs?!

"Mom, Dad I can assure you that I am not, and have not voluntarily ever taken drugs of any sort," Xander solemnly swore, his lips twitching in morbid amusement.

"Uhm, good son. I'm, uhm, glad we had this little talk," Mr. Harris said slowly watching his son anxiously.

"But dear," Mrs. Harris protested faintly.

"Honey the boy say's he's not using drugs," Mr. Harris rounded on his wife angrily. "Let's give him the benefit of doubt, okay."

"Okay," she said quietly, her eyes widening nervously.

Xander frowned, lately his parents had been arguing more than ever. His father's temper getting steadily worse, he blamed it on the job, but Xander wished his father would cut back on his drinking. He shivered, remembering the loud nasty arguments that happen then.

Determined to push the ugly events waaaaay back in his mind, he forced a cheerful grin to his face, "Me and Wills is supposed to be meeting with Buffy at the library for our midterms, okay if I go?" Rising to his feet he glanced inquiringly at his parents. He desperately need to be in the sunlight, to feel the rays caressing his face and knowing no vampire could harm him then.

"Sure, and how's that Mr. Giles doing," Mrs. Harris asked sympathically, Alexander had told her about that poor woman's death.

Xander sighed, "He's seems to be doing better, I guess," he shrugged not wanting to revisit the scene of Ms. Calendar's death, knowing that soon it would be his if Buffy didn't get up the nerve to take Angelus down. He wished she would get over the fact that Angelus and Angel were two fucking different people, HE even got that point. He didn't like Angel but he loathed Angelus.

"Go on boy, you need all the help you can get," Mr. Harris suggested, besides it'll give us time to search his room for the drugs. His boy was gonna be somebody and not end up like his old man or any of his deadbeat relatives!

"Thanks dad, I'll be back before dark," Xander darted out the door.

Xander and Cordy met up in the library. Watching Willow literally bounce in the room he said, "Uh oh, looks like Wills hit the caffeine pretty hard," he teased his bouncy friend.

Willow looked at him with a wide grin, "We found it, we found the way to curse Angelus back to Angel!"

Xander froze in horror, barely able to breath. Distantly he was aware of Giles talking.

"What are you saying?"

Buffy said, "The curse, this is it," extending the printout.

"Looks like Ms. Calendar was trying to replicate the original curse. To restore Angel's soul again," Willow added excitedly.

"She said it couldn't be done," Giles said in disbelief, staring at the printout.

"Well, she tried anyway. And it looks like it might have worked," Buffy said quietly.

Xander said harshly,"So he killed her... before she could tell anyone about it. What a prince, huh?" He looked away in disgust, trying to hid his fear.

"This is good, right? I mean, we can curse him again," Cordy said tentatively, glancing around at the tense faces, watching Buffy pace.

"Um, well, this, um... certainly points the way, but... the ritual itself requires a greater knowledge of the black arts than I, I, I can claim," Giles stuttered.

"Well, I've been going through her files and, and researching the black arts, for fun, or educational fun, and I may be able to work this," Willow said proudly, quickly looking sheepishly at Mr. Giles.

Giles narrowed his eyes sternly at the young girl, "W-Willow... channeling... such potent magicks through yourself, it could open a door that you may not be able to close."

"I don't want you putting yourself in any danger, Will," Buffy said, her eyes quietly concern, she bit her lip....but she so wanted Angel back.

Willow looked at her, "And I don't want danger. Big 'no' to danger, but I may be the
best person to do this."

Xander looked at them in disbelief, "Hi! For those of you who have just tuned in, everyone here is a crazy person. So this spell might restore Angel's humanity? Well, here's an interesting angle. Who cares?," he said harshly.

"I care," Buffy said quietly.

Xander looked at her with a cool expression, "Is that right?"

"Let's not lose our perspective here, Xander," Giles said quietly trying to forestall the argument he knew was ng. ng.

Xander saw Willow looking at him as if she couldn't believe what she's hearing from him.

Xander, set his jaw, "I'm Perspective Guy. Angel's a killer," they had to see the truth.

Willow blinked, "Xander...," she didn't know what to say.

"It's not that simple," Buffy said quietly, pain evident in her eyes.

Xander made a sound of disgust, "What? All is forgiven? I can't believe you people!"

Cordelia had been thinking, listening to them argue, "Xander has a point."

Xander tightened his jaw and looked at her, "You know, just for once, I wish you'd support me, and I realize right now that you were, and I'm embarrassed, so I'm gonna get back to the point, which is that Angel needs to die."

"Curing Angel seems to have been Jenny's last wish," Giles said quietly, pain washing over him at the thought of Jenny.

Xander looked at him in disbelief, "Yeah? Well, Jenny's dead," he said harshly, unable to believe that Giles, of all people wouldn't, understand!

Giles stormed up to Xander, his eyes flashing angrily, "Don't you *ever* speak of her in thate age again!"

"Can't you hear what I'm saying?" Xander looked around, they had to understand! The only way they could be safe was with Angel/Angelus dead.

They begin to argue heatedly, before Buffy ran over and got between them.

"Stop it! Stop it!" She screamed at them in frustration.

They shut up and glared at each other for a moment. Xander saw Buffy turned away and go over to Willow, very upset. Flickering his eyes, he saw Giles paces away, also very upset.

Then in disbelief he heard Willow say, "What do you wanna do?" He couldn't believe it, they were fucking going to do it!

Buffy sighed, quietly, "I-I don't know. What happened to Angel wasn't his fault."

"Yeah, but what happened to Ms. Calendar is," Xander had to add, they had to see how fucking wrong this was.

He watched Buffy and Willow stare at him in disbelief, and he harden his heart, to their stares.

Xander looked at themh, ch, coldly, "You can paint this any way you want. But the way
I see it is that you wanna forget all about Ms. Calendar's murder so you can get your boyfriend back." As soon as the words were said, he wanted to recall them seeing the hurt in her eyes.

He knew he had already lost the battle even before Buffy walked out.. He saw Willow and Giles staring at him in surprise and shock; he sighed and went back to his chair at the table, ignoring them. He knew nothing good was going to come out of their stupid plan.

He took deep steadying breaths, they could argue all they wanted but Angel...Angelus had to die, he thought staring blankly at the table. He cast sidelong looks at the angry Watcher and Willow. Of all people, he thought at least Giles should have been on his side, sharing his desire for Angelus' death. He sighed quietly, he knew Willow would do whatever Buffy wanted, she would cast the spell just to make Buffy happy. 'But what about me!' he wanted to scream at them, 'what about me feeling happy, me feeling safe?!'

Willow looked at her best friend in concern. This was so not like him, the dark moods, the look of misery that she had been seeing on his face the past couple of weeks. After this was all over she was determined to get to the bottom of whatever was bothering him. Whether he liked it or not!

* * *

Xander stood by Willow's bed, gazing down at her still, white face, feeling terror squeeze his heart. If only I had told her, if only I had told somebody, maybe this wouldn't happened. Tears stinging in his eyes, he took a short walk to clear his head and returned. His eyes narrowed, seeing someone walking surreptitiously towards Willow's room and he raced to get to her, to protect her. Touching the person on the back he was surprised to see who whirled around....Buffy!

Buffy hugged him tightly, "Xander! Ohhh..."

Fear for Willow, fear for them all overcame him and he hugged her back, and they held each other for a long moment, then Buffy let go.

"I was so worried, I didn't know if you were okay. The cops were...," Buffy broke off, blinking back tears.

Xander looked at her and said quietly, "Yeah, I, I heard them chase you out. I was just coming out of it." He grinned suddenly, "Souvenir," showing her his cast.

Buffy looked at him blinking back her tears, dreading her next question, "What about the others?"

But just then, Xander sees two police officers come into the hall behind her.

"Are they okay?" Buffy asked, praying silently, Please let them be okay, please God!

She jumps when Xander grabbed her in a tight hug. Baffled, she goes along with it, but wonders what's up. But as soon as she saw the cops she understood and she hid her face in Xander's shoulder while the cops headed down the hall in the direction that she came in. As soon as the police cleared the hall, they separated again.

Buffy tries to act brave, "Okay. That was about equal parts protecting me and copping a
feel, right?"

But Xander doesn't smile back, he turns his face away, looking down and very worried.

Buffy looked at his drawn face, fear clutching her heart, "What is it?"

Silently they enter Willow's hospital room.

Xander stood looking down at the still figure, "The doctor said it was head trauma that she can wake up at any time, but, um... the longer it lasts, the... less likely it is," he almost broke into tears, never to see her smile, her face.

"I never should've let her try to do that curse. Angel must've known," Buffy said , guilt clutching at her. It was all my fault!

She reaches up to Willow's face and brushes back a few stray hairs, "Where are her parents?"

He shrugged, well used to Willow's uncaring parents, "With relatives in Phoenix. I gave them a call. They're...they're getting on a plane back."

"Does Oz know?"

"Oh, man. Um... I didn't even think. Um... I'll call him," Xander said quickly, realizing that he forgot to call him.

Buffy hears some footsteps behind her and turns quickly to see who it is. Xander looks over his shoulder, too, and they see Cordelia come in. He goes over to her.

"Hey," he said softly, seeing the distraught look in her eyes.

Cordelia, "Hey," feeling comforted as he held her.

They kissed and held each other close.

"How is she?" She sighed, as they separated and looked down at Willow, "The
doctor told me that...," she couldn't finished.

Xander blinked against his tears, "Yeah. We're, uh... still waiting."

"You okay," Buffy asked, still seeing the fear on her face.

Cordelia looked away, "I ran. I think I made it through three counties before I realized nobody was chasing me. Not too brave," she said self-mockingly.

"It was the right thing to do," Buffy said quietly.

Xander glanced over at Cordy, "Did Giles keep up with you?"

"I didn't see Giles," she looked at him in dawning fear.

Buffy felt fear tearing at her heart, "You mean he's not in the hospital?" Please God, let him be here, oh please God!

Xander was scared, "No," fear filling him.

They looked at each other with fear in their hearts. Before Buffy rushes out to find Giles.


Cordelia asks quietly, "Do you want some coffee?"

"I don't wanna leave. She might, uh...," he looked helplessly torn.

"I'll get it," she said with a smile of comfort.

Xander looked up at her and smiled, "Thanks."

They hold hands briefly for comfort before Cordelia goes to get some coffee. Xander
looked at Willow again, deep in thought. He leaned over to the bed and gently took her hand in his. Trying with sheer will alone to make her wake.

"Come on, Will. Look, you don't have a choice here. You gotta wake up. I need you, Will. I mean, how am I gonna pass trig, you know?" He chuckles, "And who am I gonna call every night... and talk about everything we did all day? You're my best friend. You've always...," believed in me he silently whispered to himself.

He looks at her for a long moment, looks away for an instant and then at her again, struggling with his emotions.

"I love you, you're my best friend, Willow; please don't leave me!"

Her face twitches and her hand gives his a squeeze. Xander's eyes widen in hope.

He whispered, "Willow?" Hoping, praying.

She takes a few breaths before responding, her eyes still closed, "Oz? Oz?"

Xander leaned away, taken aback and Oz hears her as he walks into the room.

"I'm here," Oz says quietly.

Xander looked back at Oz, "She's just starting to wake up."

He moves to let Oz get to her, watching as Oz takes her hand and leans over the bed.

Willow eyes are still closed.

* * *


Willow sat up in her bed with Oz in the chair next to her. With Xander taking the chair on the far side of the room.

Cordy begins pacing "So Buffy's going for the big showdown, huh? Wish we could help." She turns to Xander in an aside, "You know, without dying."

"I don't see how", he raised his brows.

"I wanna try again," Willow said quietly, looking down.

"Try what," Oz blinked, looking slightly confused.

"The curse. We never got to finish it. Maybe we *can* restore Angel's soul," Willow said, looking up, getting a little excited.

Xander frowned, "I don't like it. You're talking about messing with powerful magic, and you're weak." He had to figure out a way to stop her; Buffy had to destroy Angelus. They would never be safe, he would never be safe if she didn't!

I'm okay," she cheerfully lied.

He narrowed his eyes at her, "You don't look okay," he turned to Cordy, "Does she?"

Cordy looked at Willow critically, "You should listen to him. The hair, it's so flat, and the lips..." she blinked at the look Xander gave her.

"Could we stay on topic here, honey?" Xander said in frustration, frantically trying to think of a way to stop this.

Cordy blinked, "What?"

"Look Willow, it's not a good idea," Xander said quietly, he couldn't let her risk her life like that again.

Willow looked at him confidently, "There's no use arguing with me. Do you see my resolve face?" She gave him the LOOK "You've seen it before. You know what it means. This can help Buffy. If we turn Angel back soon enough, we can stop him from ever awakening Acathla."

Oz gets up, "Okay, I pretty much missed out on some stuff, didn't I? Because this is all making a kind of sense that's... not."

"Go with Cordy to the library and get my things. She'll fill you in," Willow said, smiling at him.

Still unsure of what was going on, but he trusts Willow, "Sure, I'll drive." Well acquainted with Cordy's driving method or the lack thereof.

He left the room with Cordy closed behind and Xander gets up to try to convince Willow of the badness of this idea.

Willow looks to him, "Xander, go to Buffy. Tell her what we're doing. Maybe she can
stall."

"But I...," Xander tries to say.

Willow points to herself, "Resolve face."

Xander sighs and pretends to give in, "Be careful." He leaves for the mansion, maybe if he was very very slooooow, Angelus would be dead by the time he got there! Cheerful again he made his way to the mansion.

******

Buffy walked to the mansion with the sword wrapped in a cloth, determined to finish this once and for all, feeling like her heart was going to shatter. She heard the bushes rustle and took a reflexive step back, startled as Xander came running out of the bushes into the street.

"Xander!"

"Cavalry's here. Cavalry's a frightened guy with a rock, but it's here," he said, inside shaking with fear, too close! Too close to the mansion!

Buffy smiles briefly and holds up a stake, Xander tosses the rock aside and takes the stake.

"That's better," he said with a smirk.

Buffy looked at him sternly, "You're not here to fight. You get Giles out, and you run like hell, understood? I can't protect you. I'm gonna be too busy killing," she said with grim resolve.

"Now, that's a new look for you," Xander said indicating the sword.

Buffy shrugged, "It's a present for Angel."

Xander struggled with himself, "Willow....Uh, she told me to tell you...," he faltered beneath the sudden hope in her eyes.

"Tell me what?" She prayed that Willow would be able to come through for her.

Inside of Xander a war was going on, one side screaming, 'she'll hesitate and he'll kill her, then he'll be after everyone else, after me, Cordy and Willow; the other side screaming 'tell her the truth', she's your friend, she'll be able to stall him long enough for Willow to do the spell!' Then a image of Ms. Calendar and then Willow flashed through his mind and without a second hesitate he lied.

"Kick his ass," he said, guilt eating at him inside. I can't do it, I can't tell her the truth. She had to kill him! And he watched the hope died in her eyes, leaving them lifeless and empty before she turned away.

And without a word Buffy continued walking, hope turned into bitter ashes. Xander hesitated a moment looking at her back, at the way she wore the weight of the world on her shoulders, swallowing convulsively he followed her into the mansion.

* * *


Xander sneak through the mansion, fear nearly overwhelming him; he felt like he would throw up at any second. Be brave, Xander! You can do this! he chanted to himself. He could hear the fighting going on in the other room as he pushed aside a curtain and finally found Giles tied to a chair.

Relief rushed through him, "Giles!" seeing Giles' head tilted back, he bit his lip anxiously, he looked so dead.

He called his name again, "Giles!" hoping, praying for a response.

He saw Giles lift his slo slowly, feeling his heart lift. He ran and crouched behind the chair, swiftly undoing the ropes.

"Xander," Giles looked in amazement at the boy, then he refused to believe his eyes, remembering how Drusilla tricked him last time.

"Can you walk," Xander asked urgently, looking around anxiously.

"You're not real," Giles said to the figment, frowning it felt so real though.

Xander looked at him in shock, "Sure, I'm real."

Giles shook his head, "It's a trick. They get inside my head, make me see things I want."

Xander finished undoing the ropes, and frowning looks into Giles' face, "Then why would they make you see me?"

Giles blinks, "You're right. Let's go."

He groaned in pain as Xander got under his arm and helped him from of the chair.... to freedom.


* * *


Sunnydale August 1998

ANNE

They endured the summer without Buffy. Patrolling the demon population, keeping things in check, waiting for her to come home. Praying that she would return.

Finally Buffy came back...but things had changed, they had taken over patrolling, he and Cordy had broken up. It was awkward at first, trying to talk, trying not to be negative of her but of course with the Zombies and things showing up, it felt like old times and they felt like things were slowly getting back the way they use to be.

Xander slowly woke up and lay perfectly still, he didn't want to have a repeat of last week's incident. Slowly but carefully he rolled out of bed and padded over to his dresser, avoiding the mirror. He didn't have to look anymore to know what was wrong with him. The only one that had a clue about his situation was Oz and he made him swear not to breath a word to anybody, especially Willow. He didn't need their pity or for them to look at him like he was a freak.

He swallowed convulsively, feeling his stomach rand and rushed for the bathroom, retching miserably into the toilet. Hearing his mother calling anxiously to him from outside the door, asking if he was okay.

"Yeah, mom, just ate to much last night," he lied convincingly. Wearily he climbed to his feet and flushed the toilet. He turned on the shower and got in, knowing that it wasn't just the shower that was causing the wetness on his face. Feeling broken inside, he finally sank to the floor of the stall and cried.....for himself.....for his fucked up life.......for everything. Praying that the the shower muffled the sound of him crying.

* * *

Sunnydale September 1998


FAITH, HOPE AND TRICK

* * *
Faith, the new Slayer arrived and boy oh boy, was she different than Buffy! Playful, aggressive, just the kind of female he would have chased months ago. They had fun with her, while she wasn't Buffy, she was still tons of fun. Especially telling about HER slaying days, he especially like the one about the nude slaying, Xander grinned.

His smile fading, another time, another place maybe him and Faith would have have something, Xander thought desolately, but now....


* * *

REVELATIONS

* * * *
Xander was trembling with rage. He couldn't believe it! If he hadn't seen it with his own eyes......He couldn't fucking believe it! After everything they had did for her, welcomed her back with open arms, well at least without arms with pointy objects in them.....she had to go and lie!

Willow watched him cautiously, having never seen him like this before. She could see the anger, the rage roiling off of him in waves. She exchanged glances with Cordy, her onetime nemesis, feeling a kinship with the girl now that she and Xander had broken up.
Why they had broken up, Xander refused to tell her, just saying that things changed. He had changed so much over the summer, his clothing different, everything was so different about him. He even acted differently around her as if he was trying to keep a secret from her. Her eyes narrowed, remembering her promises months ago, to find out what was wrong and to help him.

Oz watched Xander with a wary eye, smelling the rage pouring off him. He sniffed, and fear?! What had Xander spooked other than his.....condition?

"Xander, do sit down, nothing will be accomplished by your incessant pacing," Giles said firmly as they all waited for the reason for this impromptu meeting.

They didn't have long to wait. Behind him, he hears the door opens and someone walk in.
Turning he see that it is Buffy and calmly he gets up from the chair....now they can begin

Buffy bounces in, "Lagos is out of luck. I got the magic mitten thingy," she announces cheerfully. She looks around the room, seeing that Cordelia, Oz and Willow are all sitting at the center table looking as glum as Giles always does, Xander si loo looks at her with no expression at all.

"What's with all the tragedy masks?" she asks warily, feeling strained tension in the air.

"Better take a seat, Buffy," Giles said, gesturing to a chair.

She watches as Xander gets up out of his chair and nudges it over a bit so it's at the head of the table, and steps away to stand to the side.

Buffy slowly walks over to the chair and sits, asking, "What's going on?" This was seriously giving her a bad case of the wiggins.

Giles said calmly, "We know Angel is alive," he watched the shock cross his Slayer's face adding, "Xander saw you with him. It would appear that you've been hiding him and that you lied to us."

Buffy looked away, trying to gain time to absorb this new turn of events.

"Nobody's here to blame you, Buffy. But this is serious. You need help," Willow said gently.

Buffy looked at Willow, "It's not what you think."

"Hope not. Because I think you're harboring a vicious killer," Xander said coldly.

Buffy gasped, she couldn't believe Xander's callousness.

"This isn't about attacking Buffy. Remember, 'I' statements only. 'I feel angry.' 'I feel worried'," Willow said trying to calm the rage she felt swirling through the air.

Cordy raised her brow, "Fine. Here's one: I feel worried... about me! Last time around, Angel barely laid a hand on Buffy. He was *way* more interested in killing her friends."

Xander gave her a surreptitiously look of agreement.

"Bu's 's better now," Buffy protested.

Xander scoffed, "Better for how long, Buffy? I mean, did you even think about that?"

"What is this, Demons Anonymous? I don't need an intervention here," Buffy said angrily, getting up to leave.

Giles lifted a brow, "Oh, don't you?" Buffy stopped and faced him. "You must've known it was wrong seeing Angel or you wouldn't have hidden it from all of us."

"I was going to tell you, I was. I-it was just that I... I didn't know why he came back. I just wanted to wait," Buffy knew she sounded desperate.

Xander looked at her coldly, "For what? For Angel to go psycho again the next time you give him a happy?"

"I'm not going to...," she raised a pleading hand to him, "We're not together like that."

"But you were kissing him," Oz said quietly, watching her.

Willow gave Oz a quick look and looked at Buffy, worried.

Buffy eyes narrowed, thinking about the implication of Oz's accusation and looked at Xander in accusation.

Buffy, in beginning rage, "You were spying on me? What gives you the right?"

"What gives you the right to suck face with your demon lover again?" Cordy gave her a cool dismissive look.

Buffy said defensively, "It was an accident."

Xander sneered, "What, you just tripped and fell on his lips?" He couldn't believe he was standing here listening to her try to justified her lying.

"It was wrong, okay? I know that, and I know that it can't happen again. But you guys have to believe me. I would never put you in any danger. If I thought for a second that Angel was going to hurt anyone...," Buffy said, trying to explain her actions.

Xander just looked at her, "...you would stop him. Like you did last time with Ms. Calendar."

Buffy was completely taken aback by Xander's totally insensitive and unfair attack and she couldn't utter a word in response.

Willow felt it was time to intercede, nervously she said, "Buffy, I feel that when it comes to Angel, you can't see straight. And that's why we're, we're all gonna help you face this."

B sai said strongly, "But he's better now. I swear. Look, you guys, he's the one that found the Glove of Myhnegon. H-he's keeping it safe for us in the mansion."

Xander looked at her in total disbelief. "Right! Great plan. Leave tons of firepower with the Scary Guy, and leave us to clean up the mess," he said mockingly.

He made to leave the library, intent on doing something, anything about this...he just had to get the hell out of this room, he couldn't listen to her lies any longer.

He felt someone grab his arm and spins him around to face her, Buffy.

"You would just love an excuse to hurt him, wouldn't you?," Buffy said stridently, anger in her eyes.

Xander gave her a harsh look, "I don't need an excuse. I think lots of dead people actually constitutes a reason."

"Right. This is all nobility. This has nothing to do with jealousy," Buffy sneered and instantly wishing she could take the words back, seeing the look in Xander's eyes.

Xander gave her a haughty grin, this was tearing him apart. All summer he felt safe, relatively secure and now......

Cordy looked at her, "Hello? Miss Not-Over-Yourself-Yet?"

"Don't you start with me," Buffy narrowed her eyes at Cordy, grateful to turn her attention away from the horrible look in Xander's eyes.

Cordelia looked at Giles for support.

"Giles, no one's doing the 'I' statements!" Willow was upset, nothing was goincordcording to plan.

Giles raised his voice sternly, "That's enough! Everybody. Now, Buffy knows our concerns, and her actions, however ill-advised, can be understood. Our... priority right now is to retrieve the Glove of Myhnegon and try to destroy it. Now, all of you, back to classes."

As everyone turned to go,es aes asked to speak with Buffy.....privately. The others exchanged glances, they hoped Giles would talk some sense into her.


* * *

Later that night, Xander goes to the Bronze, deciding to play pool to get his mind off his problem social and otherwise.

He made his breaking shot at a pool table, going over to the pocket where he accidentally sank his cue ball, he fishes it out and walks back around the table to continue practicing.

Groaning silently at the sight of Faith approaching the table.

"You look pissed," she said, glancing at him sidelong. Man, if boytoy would just wear some tight clothes he would have the women jumping him left and right.

"Rough day," he said without looking at her as he chooses his shot.

"Tell me about it," Faith gives him an enticing smile.

Xander continues to play, "Rather just shoot."

Faith looks at him angrily, "Don't think I don't know what you and your pals were talking about behind my back today."

"Yeah? And what was that?" He looked for his next shot.

"More about this glove deal than you're saying," Faith said, her eyes narrowing trying to read his face.

Xander flicks a look at her, "The Glove of Myhnegon? Right." He aims his cue stick, "How'd you like a hit of some real news: Angel's still alive."

He took his shot and started walking around the table again, trying to see his next shot well aware of the wide-eyed look of surprise on Faith's face.

"The vampire," she said half-questioning, she couldn't believe it!

Xander said coolly, "Back in town. Saw him myself. Toting the popular and famous glove."

He bends again to taking aim at his shot.

Faith said flatly, "Angel."

Xander made his shot and watched the balls ricochet.

"Guy like that, with that kind of glove, could kill a whole mess of people," Faith said cautiously giving his a look. She was well aware of just how tight the Scooby gang was, anybody coming in had to do some serious jumping to get inside. But, despite his hatred of Angel, she wondered if she could trust him.

Xander gave her a quick look, "Said tame ame thing to Buffy myself. Weird how she didn't seem to care."

"Buffy knew he was alive," Faith couldn't believe it, Little Miss Perfect Slayer hiding her demon lover. Oh this was good!

Xander took his shoot.

"I can't believe her," she wanted to laugh, little Miss Perfect got her hands caught in the cookie jar, she smirked.

Xander walked around the table, "She says he's clean," he said flatly.

"Yeah, well, I say we can't afford to find out." She smiled, she had Xander's full attention now. "I say I deal with this problem right now. I say I slay."

Xander smiled nastily, "Can I come?"

Putting down his cue stick and they took off.


* * *


Faith and Xander barged into the library and headed for the cage, and the weapons cabinet within.

Xander smirked, "Good old Sunnydale library. Fully equipped with reference books, file cards... ," pulls open the cabinet doors, "And weapons." They exchanged twin smirks.

"Beauty," Faith said, reaching in the cabinet.

"I call crossbow," he muttered, snatching at it.

"You got it," was the reply.

They grabbed an array of weapons with Xander grabbing some bolts for the bow.
Closing the doors when they have all that they want.

"All right, ready to go," he asked.

Faith gave him a smile, "That I am."

They started out, when Xander h a m a moan......coming from Giles' office?!

"Wait," he said and hurries into the office.

"What?" Faith blew out an exasperated breath before following.

Xander pales and sets the crossbow down when he sees Giles on the floor and kneels help him.

"Oh, my God. I Gil Giles! Giles, can you hear me? What the hell happened?" He looked frantically around the room for an idea.

"Gee, let me guess," she said sarcastically.

Xander looked at her, "Stop. Hold it. Just think a minute." I must not panic! he thought to himself.

"Yeah, I'm thinking. Thinking Buffy's ex-meat did this," she sneered, anger boiling in her.

Xander, grabbed the phone, saying quickly, "It's not Angel's style," dialing 911.

Faith snorted in disbelief, "The guy's a demon! How much more proof do you need?"

Xander said distractedly, "Bite marks would be nice." "Yeah, I have a medical emergency. Sunnydale High," he said into the phone.

"Screw this waiting crap," Faith turned to go.

"Faith, if we leave, Giles could die!" Xander looked down at the fallen Watcher.

Faith glanced back, "Yeah, and he's gonna have a whole lot of company, unless *I* do something permanent." She turned to go again, hearing Xander cry of "Wait".

"For what? You to grow a pair?" She was angry,......with Buffy......with this boy...... with this whole fucking situation, "You handle the baby-sit, and I'm gonna kill Angel."

Xander saw the door swinging, "Damn it!" He had a definite bad feeling about this night.

He waited holding Giles' head, for the 911 operator to come back.

* * *


"Giles is gonna be psyched that we showed up stuffy old Mrs. Post," Buffy exclaimed bouncing happily as they entered the library.

Both she and Willow froze abruptly, seeing the paramedics there with Giles on a gurney. Buffy tosses the battle-ver ver the counter.

Buffy, "Oh, my God." She runs to Giles' side frantically.

Paramedic, into her radio, "Sunnydale Medical..."

"What happened," she asked, looking around for someone to answer her question.

Paramedic, into her radio, "...Caucasian male, mid-forties..."

"Giles...," Buffy said tremblingly, hearing what the paramedic was saying.

Paramedic, "...blunt object head trauma. Notify ER, we're bringing him in."

Buffy asked softly, dreading the answer, "What happened?"

Paramedic gave her a look, "No time for this," and starts to wheel him out.

Giles called out feebly, "Wait...," the paramedics stop, "Buffy, you must... must destroy the glove."

Paramedic, sternly, "You want him to live? Get out of the way."

She and her partner try to quickly roll Giles from the library.

Giles called louder, "Use... Living... Flame..."

Paramedic said harshly, "Move!"

The paramedics rush from the library with the gurney and turn down the hall. Willow turned to look at Xander, worry and needing to know what had happen. Buffy watches until the gurney has disappeared, then also turns to Xander, looking for an explanation.

Xander gives her a blank stare.

"What happened," she asked when no response was forthcoming.

Xander looked at her coolly, "Maybe, your boyfriend's may not be as cured as you thought," he finally replied.

"What makes you think that Angel had anything to do with this," she looked at him blankly, how can he believe Angel did this.

"We saw what you sa was was the cold reply.

Buffy looked at him angrily, "So you just assume?"

"I didn't. Faith did," he said looking at him. At every turn, she always chose Angel over the rest of them.

Willow gave Buffy a concerned look, wondering how Xander could be so cold and heartless.

Buffy was very worried now, knowing how Faith was, "What did you tell her?"

"Only what everyone knows. She's a big girl. Came to her own conclusions," Xander simply looked at her. He sighed, I don't know how much I can take. He knew that Angel had nothing to do with this, but just once he would like to matter to her.

Buffy looked at him angrily, "How much of a head start does she have?"

"Ten minutes."

Buffy turns to Willow, too mad at Xander to look at him any further, "Go through Giles' research. Figure out how to destroy the glove."

She glares at him for a second, how could he actually do such a thing. She ran from the library and Willow watched her go, turns an accusing look at Xander. He looks at her and tries to explain, to say something, but Willow doesn't let him get a single word out.

"Shut up and help me," she said angrily, heading for Giles' office, with him following close behind.

In grim silence they are grind and mix the powders for the spell to invoke Living Flame.

Xander asks quietly, "Think we got it?" He hated having this....this silence between them. He didn't think he was wrong for wanting Angel gone, but he realized that he may have gone about it the wrong way.

"Well, it's either the catalyst for Living Flame or just some really smelly sand," Willow said worriedly. She hated the silence between them, wonder what had gone wrong.....when it had gone wrong. "We'll have to test this."

"I'll double-check," he said, tentatively offering her an olive branch, one that she seized eagerly. Maybe things will work out okay, she thought smiling at him, after this they need to talk, a real-sit-down-spill-you-guts kinda talk.

As he read through the book and Willow saw his suddenly intent stare, in alarm, "What?"

Xander looks up grimly, "I know what the glove does."

He spins the book so she can read and pointing to a single passage. Her eyes widening in alarm as she quickly absorbs the information.

"There's no time to test this," urgently she said, quickly grabbing a plastic bag and pulling it open.

Xander blows out the candles on the table, grabbing the grinding bowl and pours the mix into the plastic bag. Willow spins the neck of the bag to seal it, and they both race out of the library to the mansion.



After the fight, Xander slowly pulled himself up, groaning at the assorted bruises that he knew would be decorating his body tonight, for a brief moment forgetting where he was as he pressed a hand to his stomach. Guiltily he put his hand down and glancing around to make sure no one noticed he looked up and was fixated by Angel's incredulous stare and flushed, turning away from the vampire's intense stare.

Angel looked in disbelief at the boy, the images from Angelus reign flashing through his mind. Seeing the boy screaming....seeing the blood......seeing the shame, the hatred in Xander's eyes. A hatred that he well deserved, he thought in numb shock.

His eyes drifted down to Xander's stomach in shock, the scent had to be wrong! It was impossible! It had to be impossible!

Xander cast a sidelong look at the vampire, seeing him still staring at him, a look of shock on his face. He couldn't take it anymore and he ran away, feeling as if all the stability....the peace he he had achieved within these few short months was gone, was crumbling away. His world was going to end and there was nothing he could do to stop it.