After the pain

Chapter 2

THE SILVER LIGHTER


Buffy was walking between aisles trying to choose what she would cook for dinner. She was taking cooking classes now. Not because she was interested in cooking. She hated cooking. She was just determined to do everything right this time. She was going to be a good sister, mother and wife. So she had to know how to cook, how to operate several different electrical appliances, manage a house better, make a budget, give a foot massage.

She decided on french fries. Easy and fast. Never liked supermarkets too much. Not buying groceries anyway. And she'd do laundry tomorrow. There's no day like tomorrow...

She had always wanted a normal life and now she could actually have it. There were thousands of slayers around the world and she was merely one of them. Of course there were some hellmouths she could work on. And she could train or councel newbie slayers. But she wanted to do something she had never done before. She definitely wanted to be the most ordinary housewife. Really she did! Honest!

She walked towards cashier. She wasn't a wife yet. She didn't even have a boyfriend. Yet. But she knew what she wanted. No, make that what she needed. And needing was as important as wanting, wasn't it? Or even more so. Anyway that's what she kept telling herself. Buffy was going to find a man who loved her and would make a good dad. She was going to make him feel loved and give him as much children as he wanted and could support. She knew of course that she would never love a man like she had loved him. But as he was gone it didn't matter. Maybe she would tell her husband the story sometime? Or to her grandchildren. Definitely to them – it would be a lovely story,if, it was a movie or something... if it didn't hurt so much.

She thought about Spike. She thought a lot about him now that he was no more. About what she did to him. Most of the time they had known each other she was more tuned on what-is-he-doing-to-me. But not anymore. When she finally admitted that she was using him, she made sure it never happened again. And she had made him more miserable than he was with her. But it seemed to be the only right choice at that time. After sending Angel to hell she was so desperately afraid to love again that she had chosen not to. That brought Riley in her life, that made her deny her feelings for Spike. That made her miserable. And cruel.

Now she just wanted to be forgiven. But there was no one who could grant her that. Spike was dead. Gone. She had killed him. She made him wish he was dead. And now she was punishing herself with a normal life. She felt so guilty she denied herself any pleasure in her life now. And she had no one to ask the forgiveness from. Maybe that was how Spike felt when he gained a soul? She had been so relieved that he was “back on the morality train” at that time that she never really took time to see him. Really see him. She never tried to understand him nor did she show any compassion. Feeling, really feeling for him would be dangerous.

Finally she did tell him how she felt about him but it was too late. He didn't believe her. He couldn't believe, she knew now. Because the glorious Chosen One had been treating him like dirt. Literally beating into him that he was not worthy of her. Like she was better somehow. She wasn't. He was better than her even without his soul. He was honest where it counted. He was always straightforward, open person. Courageous. He wanted something and he grabbed for it. He never gave up.

Until she broke him. She was the one who made him go in school basement with that god damned locket. Even if she seemingly tried to persuade him not to. But there was no one else, she knew. It had to be him or Angel. Now she wished it was the latter.

When she reached home she was worked up again. She couldn't bring herself to any meaningful action. Fuck the dinner! She went downstairs where he used to live. Frantically she tore at boxes, moved the chest of drawers out of the corner, messing everything up. Looking for something... anything. There might be some of his possessions still! In some place that didn't catch your eye at first. Willow or Dawn and the others had been doing laundry here after all. Some things were moved, some brought in, some thrown out. But she never touched anything she thought might be his. Then she remembered. Sh thought she saw something silvery behind that box some weeks ago. She didn't dare to check it then... She didn't dare to touch it. Like she hoped, that Spike would come in any minute and fish it out himself cursing and swearing in need of a smoke. Buffy hoped the lighter was still there.

Now it was time. She was ready. Slowly she moved some things out of the way, bowed down, reached out and picked it up. Buffy stood and let it shine on her palm.

It was the only thing left. The only thing. There wasn't even dust. Not a headstone. Nothing.

Buffy didn't cry. Tears meant nothing. She felt dead.

* * *

The phone rang. Willow picked it up in the living room. She was living in the Summers house still. It was easier that way. Three girls and memories.

“Yes?” She was in the middle of some baking, so she had to work th receiver with two fingers that weren't covered in sticky mass.
“Hi! It's Fred. How are you all down there?”
“Oh, hi Fred! We're ok. Just me, Buffy, Dawn and some quietness. How's things in LA?”
“LA is in ruins. Didn’t you watch news?” Fred's voice went on cheerfully “It wasn’t really an earthquake. We had a huge battle. Everyone's dead. I was thinking to come to see you since there's nothing to do around here anymore.”
Willow frowned, “What do you mean, everyone's dead?! Who's dead? What are talking about? Are you drunk?” Willow was starting feel nauseous. Fred didn't sound drunk.

“I told you we had that great battle, we took the bad guys out. Wesley was first one to go. I don't know what happened to Lorne but Gunn was already injured when it started. So he probably went quickly. And I lost sight of Spike in the middle somewhere. Angel was the last to get dusted and after that I just slipped into the sewer.”
“Angel dusted? Spike??!” Willow started to feel frantic. She didn't know what to say, her hands were shaking and everything went blurry. Willow felt like babbling but didn't quite manage.
“Anyway I thought that I'll come to Sunnydale sometime tonight. Just thought I'd worn you! Bye!”
“Hey! Fred! Don't hang up..”

Willow was still holding the receiver at her head dumbstruck when Dawn came in.
“Hi Wills, what's the matter? Has the Nerd Trio had been flinging around with their freezing gun again?”
“Ah? No, no Nerd Trio. It was Fred. She's coming over.” Willow put the received down. “I don't know what she was talking about. She said something about some battle and that Angel is dead. And Spike? I don't know what she was talking about really. I 'm going to take some phone calls.” From upstairs.

Dawn stared as Willow made it upstairs. Huh?? All the plans she had with her friend's for the day flew out of her mind momentarily. Spike?

Willow started to dial the numbers but Angel's cell was dead and Hyperion wasn't answering. Giles didn't know anything about the battle but promised to find out what he could. Wolfram and Heart had only a night guard there who acted like Willow was some kind of a aggressive reporter.
“I have no information to give whatsoever. Press-conference will be given tomorrow at 10pm.” He hung up.
Now it was evident that something was seriously wrong.

An hour passed and Giles hadn't called back yet. They were sitting in the kitchen not talking. There was nothing to be said. Willow related about the battle and about everybody being dead but not in details. She didn't trust what Fred had said. Especially her mentioning Spike. And was it even Fred? She sounded...

The phone rung. Three of them ran for it. Willow got there first and she put the phone on a speaker.
Three of them listened to Giles speak.
“I'm afraid I have some bad news for you. It seems that Angel decided to take out organization called Circle of Black Thorn who were apparently planning another apocalypse. All members died in the course of the evening and senior partners didn't like it. So Angel ended up fighting hundreds, I'm afraid. It's all I can say for now. Council people are already down there but they haven't found any of Angel’s people nor himself yet. I'm taking the next flight to LA for interview with Fred.”

* * *

It was a week since Council had finished their investigation. Buffy was sitting on the porch after dinner. She was tired and didn’t want to talk to anyone. She was tired all the time now. And Illyria's words proved to be correct. Everyone was dead. It was terrible. Angel, Fred, Wesley, Gunn, even Lorne. Buffy didn't really know most of them but she did mourn for Angel.

As it turned out it was Illyria who had come over that evening, not Fred. Fred was dead too. Illyria said she just wanted to study human world some more so she pretended a to be Fred. Having a connection to someone she knew or was heard of seemed to be just more convenient for her. Fortunately Giles managed to take her to some Council people in London – they could study each other there. A curious ex-god was the last thing Buffy needed on her hands right now. Buffy had enough to deal with.

Buffy was sitting on a back porch thinking of Spike.

She didn't understand it. How come he was alive all this time and no one told her? Why didn't he contact her? Was he mad at her? Of course he was. He didn't want her to know about him. He didn't want her to hurt him again.

And now it hurt her too. More than the first time she lost him. She just recently had been regaining some contentment with being without him. And now it turned out he had been only some hours of driving away all that time. And now… It was too late.

She got a cigarette pack from her pocket. It was the brand he used to smoke. Buffy lighted her first with a silvery object and exhaled. The taste was bad and she coughed.


***
comment what was lacking what was good. be honest I wanna know. :)
Buffy will quit smoking, dont worry!! lol