White Knight, Black Knight

Xander resisted the urge to bend down and start banging his head against the research table. It wouldn’t do any good; Buffy would still be having a hissy, and more than likely she’d get even madder. If he would have known she would have this big of a fit at the thought of him and Spike patrolling while the girls were out of town, he would have just kept his big mouth shut.

“You know you can’t trust him, Xander; what the hell are you thin?” ?” Buffy summed up her rant with that one statement. It was funny to watch her fume; her lower lip poked out and she actually had stamped her foot a couple of times. Xander was glad he missed out on the six-year-old Buffy; he had had enough problems with Willow and Jessie.

Giles looked up from behind one of the display cases. “She’s quite right, Xander, unless you are, perhaps, paying him to make sure you’re all right? It wouldn’t hurt to stop patrols right now, I don’t think; you don’t really have to do it. It’s not as if you’re the Slayer.” He went back to counting crystals. Monthly inventories always left him a bit short-tempered.

Buffy sat in one of the chairs opposite him, “He’s right, Xander. You don’t want to get killed or maimed; it would ruin our vacation if we came back and found you dead.” She smiled at him. She was teasing, but the comments hurt nonetheless.

“Buffy, it’s not as if there’s an apocalypse or anything; we’re just going to make sure the fledges don’t get out of control. You know how much Spike likes to beat things up - we’ll have fun. Male bonding and all that.” It was actually sort of fun watching Spike fight, like watching a dance – okay, a violent dance, but a dance nonetheless.

The sun was just setting and the bell over the door to the shop rang as Willow, Tara and Dawn came in. The girls were leaving in two days for L. A. and Dawn was talking a mile a minute about a concert they were going to see.

“Willow, you tell him what a bad idea he has!” Buffy all but screeched, cutting off her sister’s monolog.

“Jeeze, Buffy! Rude, much? I was in the middle of a conversation!” Dawn stormed past her sister to sit on the steps to the upper level of the store and threw her a dirty look. Dawn was the only one of the group besides him that could stand Spike. Willow was polite and all, but she still had issues from when the vampire had kidnapped them in high school.

“What is a bad idea?” Willow and Tara sat at thele ale as well. “Eating chocolate ice cream and pizza before bed? I could never convince him of that and I’ve been trying since we were five!” She smiled her big Willow smile, eyes twinkling as she took her girlfriend’s hand.

“I-I don’t think anyone could convince Xander that chocolate is bad, Willow.” Tara, shy and quiet. Tara, who had a kindness in her soul and a gentleness that made you want to wrap her up in cotton so nothing could hurt her. He really liked Tara, and loved the fact that she loved Willow with all her heart.

Buffy got up and started pacing again. “He’s going to go patrolling while we’re gone, wipikepike! The evil soulless demon that’s tried to kill us! What happens if he does something to Xander while we’re gone? Huh? We wouldn’t be able to help save you, Xander; you could die!”

“Buffy!” Dawn interrupted, sticking up for Spike before he could. “Spike saved me! Twice! He didn’t tell Glory I was the Key when she was beating the crap out of him, and he fell off a tower getting all smashed to protect me from getting cut! He and Xander are friends; he’s not gonna let anyg hag happen to him.” He watched as she pushed hair back from her face. Good ol’ Dawnster, remembering only the good about someone.

“Dawn, he like, owed us! We’re keeping him in blood and stuff! Plus, you know, he’s tried to kill us more times than he’s helped, so it’s just now balancing out! And you know he was just doing it to get to me! He was trying to convince me that he loved me; he’d do anything. I don’t even want to think what his plan is now. He hasn’t done anything recently and it makes me wonder what the leech is up to!” Yet another foot stamp. Xander just couldn’t take it anymore.

“Okay, guys, chill out! All I said was that we would do a couple of patrols. Not that I was gonna slit my wrists and offer up my blood or anything! Jeeze! If Spike wanted to kill me while he was chipless, he had plenty of chances. Hell he could even have let me die of alcohol poisoning last week when we were out drinking, but he didn’t! I keep on telling you that he’s different, but no! You don’t believe me! Get this through your skull, Buffy, Spike did love you! I know; we drowned our sorrows together. Spike loves Dawn and would do anything to protect her! As odd as it might sound, we are friends, and if he’s waiting till the chip comes out to kill us all, I would think you’d have a better chance of living if you would stop threatening to kill him every time you see him! Gods, people, we are supposed to be the good guys here; it’s not polite to give death threats - it goes against the superhero handbook. Only tall, dark and angsty types can threaten a person; that’s why Deadboy can get away with it.” He tried to turn his tirade into a joke. Gave his goofy smile. Nothing to see here, go away. “Maybe you could get away with it if you wore tights and a cape. Wear your underwear on the outside like Madonna. You code name could be Stake, like Blade, that guy in the Marvel comics that hunts vampires and uses a sword. But then people might think you’re a guy and well, let’s just so not go into that!” Grin and smile. Back to goofy Xander. “So, Dawnie, got plans to sneak backstage to see Purple?”

”Xander, for the last time it’s Pink!” Dawn rolled her eyes and Buffy laughed. Good - they were distracted. Dawn went on, ”And no, I haven’t figured that out yet. I was trying to convince Willow and Tara to use an invisibility spell to get us back there.”

His diversion worked. Willow went on to explain to Dawn the ethics of spell casting and how it wasn’t fair to use it to get to restricted areas of the concert. Tara laughed and got in the discussion, and Buffy had finally given up on telling him how many ways Spike was going to kill him and went to train in the back room.

Xander looked around and saw that Giles was finished with that part of the inventory. “So, G-Man, when does Olivia get here?”

“Hmm?” Giles had moved from crystals to wands. “Oh, yes, well her timetable has been switched around a bit; her flight comes in tomorrow afternoon so I’ll be closing up a day early. That’s why I’m trying to get this infernal inventory done tonight. I won’t to to worry about it waiting for me when I open back up.” He turned back and started counting again.

The girls continued whatever it was they were talking about and Xander was left in silence. He got up and moved to where Giles was working.

“Need any help with that?” He didn’t really want to spend the rest of the night counting, had plans in fact, but he could never not offer to help. It was his nature to help those he considered family.

“No thank you, Xander; I don’t think you’d understand the intricacies of doing a proper inventory. Perhaps if I had more time…” Giles stopped what he was doing to polish his glasses. The man should buy stock in handkerchiefs to make up for all the ones he wore out doing that.

“No prob, G-man. Just trying to be of some use. Guess if y’all don’t need me, I’ll be going. A friend’s birthday was today and I’m gonna celebrate it with him.” Xander walked towards the research table and looked at Willow from under his eyelashes, waiting. It was Dawn who finally asked, though.


”Cool! Whose birthday?”

Still nothing from Willow. “No one you know, Dawn, just a friend. If I don’t see y’all before you guys leave tomorrow, have fun! He turned and yelled at the training room. “Bye, Buff! Have fun!” He started to the door.

Buffy, of course, had to get the last word in about Spike. “If Spike so much as lets you get a paper cut, I’ll dust him, Xan. Tell him that for me! I still wish you’d just forget patrol; it’s not as if you could do that much without powers.”

“Gee thanks, Buff, way to emasculate! You get a gold star for making my balls shrink a size! Have fun mooning over Deadboy while in L.A.!” He stormed out. Behind him he could hear their voices calling him. Any other night he might have stayed, joked, let them feel better, but he was tired. Tired of putting on the masks that made them feel better about themselves. Tired of being left behind or ignored.

He turned the corner and started walking to his parents’ house. The moon was full and it looked like you could almost touch it. Took a few deep breaths to calm himself. He was so very glad it was Thursday and he had asked for time off the next day. He was frustrated and he wished he could go patrolling for fledglings to kill.

It frustrated him that they didn’t think he could take care of himself. Okay, so he wasn’t big on the whole martial arts kick-ass thing. And he couldn’t do magicks like Willow. Still, he was alive after living on the Hellmouth for just about twenty-one years; that had to count for something.

Giles’ comments had hurt, as well. Inventory was inventory. Okay, so he might not know the formula for figuring profits and losses that Giles used; he could count, dammit! Didn’t even need to take off his shoes. And the whole hating Spike thing was getting old. Okay, they didn’t trust Spike, but after all this time it would have been nice if they would have trusted him and at least shut up about it.

He finally made it to his parents’ house. He stopped on the sidewalk in front, not going in the yard. He closed his eyes and let the memories wash over him. His parents drunk and/or yelling, times in the Basement of Doom with Anya, with Spike. Camping out at Christmas. Fights with his parents, sneaking out of the house at night. Running to the only safe place he ever really had as a kid, Jessie’s.

It was Jessie’s birthday; he would have been twenty-one years old today. Gods, he missed him. While he had been friends with Willow since kindergarten, he’d been friends with Jessie from the womb, it seemed; their Moms had been friends once upon a time, before the alcohol changed his Mom. Born just eight days apart. When they were kids, he wished he was really Jessie’s brother and that one day he could stay at his home and live with him and have a happily ever after. Never have to deal with his asshole parents ever again. Then, as he got older, that feeling changed. And then Jessie was gone.

Xander started walking. It was a ritual, something that the three of them had started years ago on Xander’s tenth birthday when his parents had totally forgotten. Willow walking in the middle, Jessie and him on either side. In just a few minutes he reached the first of his destinations, Old Man Winters’ grocery store in the middle of town. Xander was convinced that the owner was a demon. The guy was healthy and hearty, but he looked so old he must have been there before the turn of the century, yet he looked the same as when Xander was little. Go figure. He never tried to kill or maim him, and when he was six and had a broken arm he got extra chocolate, so he at the very least meant no harm to Xander.

He hadn’t been there since he moved across town, yet he wasn’t surprised to see Mr. Winters there. “Hey there, Mr. Winters! Haven’t seen you in a while; you doing okay?”

The old man came around from the counter to shake his hand. Dark skin, white hair, weathered hands, but still his eyes were a bright green and twinkled when he greeted him.

“Well met, Xander! Let me look at you! Turning into a fine young man, Xander, even if you do have a weight on your shoulders this night.”

“Thanks, Mr. Winters. Do you have it? I know I haven’t been by or called, but I was hoping you’d remember.” Xander held his breath. While this night would be okay if Mr. Winters didn’t have what he came for, it would make him feel better if he did.

”Got it under the counter here, Xander. I know you, my boy; you wouldn’t forget what today was, even if you had to fly in from Africa. Where’s Willow, is she missing it again this year?”

Xander sighed, the disappointment he’d been feeling all night coming to the foreground of his mind. “Yeah, she didn’t remember. She’s happy, she’s got a girlfriend, and is doing great in school, and has other things to occupy her time, and she just forgot. She and some of our friends are going out of town for a while and she’s all excited. I didn’t want to make her feel bad for forgetting, or bring her down. So it’s just me for Jessie’s party this year.”

“Well I’ll tell you what, Xander,” Mr. Winters had set a six pack of sarsaparilla on the counter and two big thick chocolate bars. Their traditional birthday fare. “I’m a bit too old to follow you wherever it is that you’re going, but at midnight, if you don’t mind me snitching one of these wonderful drinks, I’ll open one and toast Jessie too. Good young men like that should be remembered.”

Xander could tell by the look in the man’s eyes that he was serious. They were wise and sad all at once, and he wondered how many people the man knew that had passed on. Had to be a helluva lot, between his age and the mortality rate in Sunnydale. “Thanks, Mr. Winters; Jessie, well Jessie would have loved that. He always did like you. I’d, I’d really like that.” His breath hitched, but he couldn’t afford to start crying, not yet.

“Thanks again, Mr. Winters; I’ll remember it, always.” An unspoken promise to remember him too when the old man’s time came, if it ever did.

“Thank you, Alexander. Be safe.” The old man waved; it was almost a benediction, and once again Xander wondered what the man was. It didn’t matter though because he was a friend to him. He took his drinks and candy bars and left, not looking back for fear he would find the store empty and that it had all been his imagination.

Xander turned to go to his final destination of the night, to the park three blocks down the street. The same park where Buffy and her Mom had found that demon playing at Hansel and Gretel. Joyce, he’d have to figure out something to do for her on her birthday, too; she was too good of a lady not to remember. At least she had died of natural causes, no pain really, no terror. Not like Jessie.

He made his way to the slide and sat down underneat. H. He realized what a big target he made of himself on these nights, yet nothing had ever tried to attack him. He had a stake in his belt, but that was it.

He opened two bottles of sarsaparilla, one for him and one for Jessie. Unwrapped both candy bars, took a bite and savored the taste. This was the only time of the year he’d eat dark chocolate; it had been Jessie’s favorite. He couldn’t stand it any other time.

He raised his bottle to the sky. “Hey, Jessie; how you doing, man? Still haunting me? Or at least dropping by to see how I am like that Sylvia Browne woman on Montel says? Gods I hope so. Happy Birthday, Jessie. I’m sorry Wills isn’t here, but well, she’s got other stuff going on. She’s even bigger and badder at the Wiccan stuff since last year. Kind of scares me sometimes. Don’t get me wrong, we needed the mojo against Glory, but I worry about how the power will affect her.”

He took a drink and continued, “That’s right, Glory wasn’t around last year on your birthday, and neither was Dawnie. Wonder if the monk’s memory trick would y toy to ghosts? Oh well.” Xander proceeded to tell his friend everything that had happenedthe the past year. How he finally got out of the basement and away from his parents, Dawn, Riley leaving, Spike in love with Buffy, the battle with Glory, Anya leaving him. Everything. Then he sat for a couple of hours and just listened to the night, hoping Jessie would show if he were there or not.

About two hours till dawn he started talking again, “Gods I miss you, Jessie. I’ve started having the nightmares again. Watching you turn to dust and knowing that I did it, that I killed you. Oh I know it was Darla that turned you into a minion, but I destroyed your body, and the more I get to know Spike the more I hate myself for that, because I see that he is a person. Sure, if he didn’t have the chip he’d be killing, and if you were still around, so would you, but dammit he has feelings and can laugh, and can be hurt. You could have had a chance of some sort of life, at least. Unlife. Would you have hated it? Or do you hate me for killing you?” Tears started falling down his face silently.

“I just wish things would have been different. I wish I could change so much. I wish Willow was still there for me always, that I had a parent that cared. I wish I wasn’t invisible to my friends, that I could do more to protect people so they don’t have to go through what I did when I lost you.” Xander snorted and looked around, “Better stop that, you think that if anyone knows what a bad idea saying ‘I wish’ is, it would be me.”

Xander got up and looked around. Took a calming breath and tried to get himself back together. It didn’t work, and he was sobbing now, huge tears running down his cheeks, breath hitching. He poured all of the drinks on the ground and packed up the bottles and wrapping from the chocolate. Jessie’s bar was left in bite-sized pieces.

“Most of all, Jessie, I wish with all my heart that I hadn’t had been so cowardly and confused. I wish I would have braved you hating me just to tell you once exactly how much I loved you. Needed you. Gods, Jessie, forgive me.”

Xander turned to go home in the pre-dawn light, tears still clouding his vision.

It was for that very reason he didn’t notice the pale shadow that had been watching him from the shadows.