The Soulmate Series

Tools and Their Uses (Chapter Nineteen of Soulmates)

It has been weeks now since Angel has seen Willow - agonizing, empty weeks. He has missed her with everything he is and it’s taken everything he has not to at least reopen the bond and reach out with his senses to touch her.

But patience is the key to victory and it’s a virtue he clings to with even the least virtuous components of himself. If Willow is to be his tomorrow (and forever), than he must needs do without her today. Still, there are times when this all seems more like Hell than Hell itself ever did, times when he wonders if it might be worth sacrificing the possibility of her love for the warmth of her nearness.

No. He’s not there yet. And surprisingly, what is keeping him, while not on the side of the saints, perhaps, at least on the right side of his demon’s darkest depravity is Buffy.

As much as he’d only a short time ago hoped that she’d abandon him, or at least feel far less fondly toward him than she does, he’s now convinced that fate must have known better (and been on his side) all along - because she is here at least every other day and he’s actually grateful for it. She’s a connection of sorts to the woman he loves. And even though most of her conversation during each call she pays on him consists of her saying much the same things over and over in only slightly varied ways, Angel listens. There is always some trace of new information to be gleaned from her words, and he pays attention that he might find it.

“I don’t know what to do for her, Angel. I feel so helpless. It’s been weeks and she’s still so down. I mean, not that I don’t understand, but I just wish she’d talk to me.”

Angel’s staring at the ostensible object of Buffy’s visit, the Glove of Myhnegon, and is actually pleased she’s more concerned about her best friend’s well being than about a weapon of absolute power. Still, he’s distracted by thoughts of what Willow would think if she knew he was a key player in its imminent destruction. Surely it would melt the ice around her heart a little bit to see him fighting the good fight, to see him battling the forces of darkness that threaten her fellow Sunnydale citizens. To see him...

But that will come, he’s certain. After all, it seems Xander spotted him retrieving the Glove and trailed him home from the von Hauptmann crypt. Even now, he’s lurking about outside, stupidly convinced that Angel is none the wiser. Of course, Angel hasn’t shared that knowledge with Buffy. Not yet. He’s still mulling over the best way to play this. If he tells Buffy now, she’ll go straight outside and confront the boy, perhaps even convince him to keep the secret to himself, forcing Angel to remain in the shadows even longer and allowing Willow to continue to pretend he doesn’t exist.

So it’s possible that allowing Xander to let the cat out of the bag might work to his advantage.

He stays silent and listens as Buffy continues to talk about Willow.

“I’m just glad Snyder’s still buying that Chronic Fatigue Syndrome excuse because otherwise, I think Willow would be in as much trouble as me. She still hasn’t made it through a whole day. Not one since...since it happened.”

“Her doctor is very supportive.”

“Yeah. You know, I actually looked it up online when she told me that’s what the doctor was going to tell the school and it really seems exactly like what Willow is going through. Sometimes...sometimes I pretend that it’s what’s really going on and that one morning she’s going to wake up and be all better, like the old Willow, you know? And then I realize that it’s never going to be like that. That maybe she’ll never be my happy, bubbly best friend ever again.”

Buffy breaks down, sobbing her heart out, as she does nearly every time she’s here. Mindful of Xander’s presence at the window, Angel takes her in his arms. He’s careful to keep it platonic, trying not giving Buffy false hope, but he knows what it will look like to the voyeur who is spying on them.

Good gamble - Xander is gone. No doubt on his way to tell tales out of school. Or rather: in school. He’s sure Giles will know that hell couldn’t hold him before Buffy has even left the mansion.

“What am I supposed to do, Angel? She’s my best friend, my very best friend, and this terrible thing has happened to her and I - can’t - fix - it. What good are all these super powers if I can’t even stop my best friend from getting...from getting raped?”

She’s looking up at him, eyes wide and full of tears. There was a time, centuries ago to him, but only months ago in the world to which he’s just returned, when those pain-glazed eyes would have melted his heart. But not now, now he’s just doing his best not to focus on the reason she’s so worried about her friend: the ordeal that Willow is supposed to have suffered.

It’s gotten easier, but not easy enough. How could it ever be less than painful to know that the woman you love believes that you raped her? Still, there is one more reason to be grateful to Buffy. Her constant need to repeat herself, to unburden herself of the same feelings over and over, is inuring him somewhat to the agonizing effects of Willow’s delusions.

“If you could see her...it’s like she’s a zombie. I don’t know if she sleeps or eats. She barely talks to me at all. She even broke up with Oz and she was talking to him more than anyone else and...”

Willow has broken up with Oz? Buffy hasn’t mentioned that before. It is all Angel can do to contain his excitement. Perhaps Willow is actually beginning to see the truth.

“She did? Why?”

“I don’t know. She didn’t even tell me. Oz finally told me about it a few days ago, but apparently they broke up weeks ago, the day after she told us what happened. All I know is that it was her idea. Oz isn’t much of a talker. But you see what I mean? My best friend breaks up with her boyfriend and I don’t even find out from her. It’s like she’s gone, Angel, and there’s just this stranger in her body or something.”

Buffy is pacing, gesturing in a nervous and haphazard way, as if her body is as confused and upset as she is.

“She was...she’s been through a tremendous ordeal, Buffy. That’s going to have an effect. You can’t expect her to just bounce back.”

Platitudes. They are relatively facile and non-taxing to his emotions. They’re surprisingly effective as well, Buffy seeming none too cynical about cliches.

There’s a hardness suddenly in Buffy’s eyes, steel in her posture as she stops pacing. “If I ever find the monster that did this to her... I don’t care if he isn’t a demon. I’ll slay him, Angel, I swear I will. And I’ll make him beg for death before I do it.”

The threat would scare him if he didn’t know Buffy. But Angel’s not at all frightened, not yet. She’ll never know that he’s responsible, though hardly in the way she (and sadly, Willow) believes, for Willow’s tragic state. Even if she did, his experience tells him she’d still never be able to stake him. She wasn’t able to slay him after he’d lost his soul, not for revenge, anyway. No, it was only to save the whole world that she was able to plunge that sword into him. Though he does wonder what she’ll do once he’s won Willow’s heart.

“I hope you do find him, Buffy.” Surprisingly easy to lie anymore, not that his soul ever really stood in the way of prevarication, even before.

“Thanks, Angel.” His quiet agreement with her lust for revenge has the effect it always does - it calms her and defuses her burgeoning rage. He’s not sure why, but he thinks it’s possible that deep down she’s aware of how impotent she is in the face of a threat from a nameless human stranger and that his support of her allows her to pretend she actually isn’t, that even in the face of human violence, she can still stand invincible - hence the pacific effect of his encouragement.

She’s silent now, pacing again, but slowly. This, too, is routine. Scary how much all of this is rote now. He wonders why Buffy has yet to notice the scripted and choreographed nature of their meetings. How much can anyone live in the now to the exclusion of yesterday?

Yet, for all his detachment, he can’t help but find pathos in her need to play this scene over and over, desperately hoping that each next time will end with an epiphany where she finds the answer and saves the day. Buffy doesn’t love Willow as much as Angel does, of course, but she does love her.

“Do her parents know?” Angel decides to veer off script a bit, but frankly, he’s curious and this is one of the things Buffy has yet to volunteer.

“I don’t know. But probably not. I would say that I think Willow would have told me if she told them, except that now, I don’t know if she would. But I figure if she was barely even willing to tell me she was raped, she wouldn’t say anything to her parents at all. It’s not like they’re all that close or anything.” Buffy looks pensive and sad for a moment. “Kinda makes me more grateful for my mom, you know? I mean, she can be sort of a pain sometimes, but if something like this ever happened to me...”

“Your mom loves you.”

“Yeah, she does.”

“I wish...I wish there was someone Willow felt she could go to, you know, someone who could make her feel safe. Maybe that’s why she doesn’t talk to me or to Xander or Giles or even Oz. Maybe she feels like we let her down, like we should have been there and we weren’t. And maybe she has a point, I mean...”

“You didn’t let her down, Buffy. None of you did. And I’m sure Willow doesn’t feel that way at all. She just needs space, you know? She’s been through...she’s been through a lot and she just needs to heal. Sometimes you have to do that alone.”

More platitudes. Angel’s pretty sure he could make a living writing aphorisms for a fortune cookie manufacturer at this point, but Buffy finds them wise and comforting and that’s all that really matters. He’s feeling kindly towards her given all the knowledge she’s provided for him tonight. He’s glad he got that Glove for her, too.

She now has a look of goodbye on her face. Bonus. She’s obviously taken his final observation as her cue to leave.

“Well, I better get going. Tomorrow, I’ll tell Giles I’ve found the metal mitten he’s so worried about. That should make his day, huh?”

“Yeah.” Angel gives her a slight smile.

“Do you have enough...?”

“Yeah, I’m all set.” Nice of her to worry if he’s eating. Once again Angel wishes that they could have been friends. For a brief moment he feels guilty that now he’d snap her neck if need be to make Willow all his own. But the guilt doesn’t change the truth.

“Bye.”

“Good night, Buffy.”

She looks over her shoulder and gives him a longing glance as she leaves. She’s never been more the high school girl she secretly wishes was all she was than at that moment. She’s all amateur theatre: the prom queen as Juliet.

She isn’t Willow. He wonders what it was he was looking for that he’d thought he’d found in Buffy. Of all the memories he’s recovered, this one remains elusive. Oh well. His curiosity is idle rather than keen. He loved her once; he loves her no longer. That’s the meat and bones of the matter and it’s really all that’s important.

He returns his thoughts to a far more vital matter: Willow. More importantly, how what he’s learned tonight might help in his quest to bring her back to his side, his bed, his heart, where she belongs.

She’s broken up with Oz. That alone makes him rejoice. It’s all he can do not shout his excitement to the high heavens. It proves - beyond a shadow of a doubt - that she knows she belongs to no one but Angel.

And she’s isolated herself. No parents, friends - no one is in her confidence anymore. Suffering and confused and so desperately alone, she needs him. Despite her feeling that he’s her enemy, he knows that a part of her craves the intimacy of their bond, the fact that she can be understood without saying a word. It’s been weeks now that he’s cut himself off from her and even without opening up the connection, he knows she mourns its absence, even if she doesn’t recognize the nature of that emptiness within her. She’s vulnerable.

The timing of Xander’s discovery of his return could not have been more fortuitous. Fate is, indeed, the author of it all. This confirms what he’s known from the moment he first saw Willow walk into his home: they truly are destined. Why else would events arrange themselves so ideally as to suit his pursuit - his courtship - of his love?

Tomorrow, he will be brought out into the open. Then he will let destiny, his demon, and his soul guide him. His eyes wander over to where the Glove of Myhnegon sits, wrapped in tattered cloth. It’s funny that he’s not even slightly tempted, but really, he knows it’s useless for his purposes. It’s not with power that he’ll get what he wants, but with intelligence, cunning, absolute devotion... and ruthlessness. Angel already possesses those attributes.

He wonders just what will happen tomorrow. What Willow will say when she is “surprised” with the news of his reappearance. He wishes he could be there to see her face, but he’ll see it soon enough. His custody of the Glove means they’ll all more than likely have to face him soon. And like it or not, he will be the hero who helps save the world.

The game is getting very interesting.

Tbc...