Becoming I

Chapter 9 cont'd

When Angel came back inside, his eyes narrowed at seeing an extremely beautiful dark haired male hanging on to Xander like a lifeline. And remembering what Zeln had said, his eyes slowly began to fade to a cold, deadly yellow as he stalked towards the two.

And he was intercepted by Spike before he made a fool out of himself.

"Peaches, hold it," Spike warned him with a slight hiss, easily recognizing the jealousy that lit Angel's eyes.

Angel turned to him with a low growl, causing the guests to look around uneasily at him.

"What," he said through clenched teeth, inwardly raging at the thought of another putting their hands on his Xander.

"Xander and T'Mar, it's not what you think," Spike said rapidly. "T'Mar's not exactly right in the head, ya see and when his brother and his sister-in-law hafta go out on assignment, he gets a little... upset and nervous about being alone."

Angel gave Spike a disbelieving glance before taking a good long look at the man, finally noticing the vague look in the other's eyes. His brows contracted into a frown at the faint look of panic on T'mar's face whenever Xander moved more that five feet away from him.

He gave a short nod to Spike for the warning before he began to glide closer to Xander.

Xander looked up at feeling T'mar's tail tightening around his waist and he patted the nervously, shifting tail soothingly.

"Angel, this is T'mar," he said quietly, feeling the other trembling against his back. "T'mar this is my mate Angel, you remember me telling you about him," he said softly, twisting to look at the other behind him.

Angel blinked at the look of fear in the other's soft purple eyes and extended his hand slowly, trying not to frighten the young man unnecessarily.

T'mar blinked slowly, trying to remember what Xander said, "Mate?" he said softly, pressing tightly against Xander.

"Mate," Xander agreed, "Remember how I taught you to greet people," he prompted the other.

T'mar's face lit up with a wide smile, "Yes!" he cried enthusiastically. He thrust out his hand and pumped Angel's hand vigoriously and with his other hand maintained a firm grip on Xander's shirt.

"Up, down, up, down, stop," he muttered, watching his hand carefully and quickly withdrawing it when he reached the word ‘Stop’.

"Very good," Xander smiled warmly at the other.

T'mar beamed with pride, his chest puffing out but still clutching firmly at Xander's shirt.

Angel raised his brows, "I'm very pleased to meet you also, T'mar," he said quietly, watching as the shy eyes darted to his face before the other looked down.

"T'mar, could you go get Willow for me," Xander said quietly and pointed to Willow on the other side of the room.

And for a minute T'mar looked fearful before taking a deep shaky breath for courage. Then unwrapping his tail and moving off slowly, he frequently turned to look back at Xander for reassurance.

Xander continued to smile encouragingly and spoke rapidly to Angel from the side of his mouth, "Look, Angel, I'm sorry to have to do this, but Tamen and his wife, Shelby had to go out on an assignment early this evening and left T'mar by himself. He’s getting better about being alone but if we're here he's gotten used to sleeping with us until they come back. So either I can go stay at their apartment or he stays here." Xander looked anxiously at Angel.

Angel hesitated for a few seconds, "Xander, whatever you think would be best, I'm okay with it," he said quietly. "I don't want to cause any problems for you here, so do whatever you need to do and I'll just follow after you."

Xander looked at him suspiciously, "Okay," he said slowly, wondering what game Angel was playing now. He sighed, well he would soon find out.

Angel saw the suspicious look cross Xander's face and regretted that his mate had sufficient cause to feel that way. But no matter what, he waing ing to show Xander that he cared....about him....his work.....about everything that his mate did.

Gradually the party wound down and finally the last person left. T'mar had slowly relaxed and was chattering to Holly as everyone cleaned up the place before preparing for bed.

T'mar accompanied Xander into the bedroom, laughing and talking about everything that had happened to him that day while Xander listened interestedly and asked questions.

Angel frowned behind the young man, wondering why was he in the bedroom with
them.

"Xander, I know that this is going to sound kinda stupid but I don't have anything to wear," he said quietly.

Xander glanced at him and turned away, "I brought some clothes here a long time ago for you."

Angel blew out a slow breathain ain he fucked up. Obviously, Xander had been wanting him to come to this place for a long time and he couldn't be bothered.

Xander grabbed a pair of pajamas out of the dresser for himself, "Okay, T'mar which pair of jammies do you want to wear," he asked the smiling man.

"Ooooh, can I wear the ones with the pretty boxes on them," T'mar said softly, his eyes wide.

"Yep, here ya go," Xander said as he fished the pajamas out of the drawer.

Angel blinked as the young man quickly shucked off his clothing, his mouth dropping open in shock to see smooth skin between his legs before the pajamas were swiftly pulled up.

T'mar ran and quickly jumped into the bed, bouncing excitedly and making Xander
lau
\
"He's sleeping with us," Angel asked quietly to Xander, his eyes uncertain.

"Uhm, yes," Xander said, blinking, wondering if Angel was going have a fit. "It's what we usually do."

"You sleep together," Angel said slowly, wanting to make certain he understood matters correctly.

Xander waved his hands, "We just sleep together, we don't actually SLEEP together," he stressed.

Angel nodded as if he understood the illogic of that statement, "Right. You only sleep together."

"You got it," Xander said with a swift nod, before climbing into bed behind T'mar.

Angel looked at the two dark hair males sprawled in the bed and sighed, clearly this was going to be a very long night.

T'mar watched Angel get into bed with them with wide eyes, "H gon gonna sleep with us," he asked Xander in a loud whisper, propping himself up on one elbow.

"Yes," Xander assured him, pulling him down onto his chest.

"Why?" T'mar peered at Angel with suspicious eyes.

"Cause he's my mate," Xander said with slight exasperation. "Now close your eyes and go to sleep."

“Tamen and Shelby don’t like me sleeping with strange people,” T’mar said worriedly.

“I’m right beside you,” Xander rolled his eyes.

“Oh yeah,” T’mar said quietly, his tail snaking around and curling around Xander’s waist for comfort.

Angel regarded the duo with wary eyes as he lay down next to Xander, he could feel T'mar's eyes firmly fixed on him, watching him warily even after he blew out the candles.

"T'mar, go to sleep," came Xander's firm voice out of the darkness.

Slowly all three fell into a restless sleep before a few hours later Angel was awakened by movement in the bed.

Opening his eyes, he made out T'mar slipping from the bed and exiting the room.

Laying still for a few moments until curiosity got the better of him, he carefully eased himself out of the bed and followed.

Quietly he walked into the kitchen area and regarded T'mar swiftly making a sandwich. A big, huge freakin' sandwich, Angel marvel at the size and height.

"Would you like me to heat up some blood for you," T'mar said smoothly, without looking up from what he was doing.

Angel blinked, "Uhm, if you don't mind," he said uncertainly wondering what happened to the halting way the other spoke previously.

T'mar flashed him a quick smile, cool intelligence glinting in his eyes, "I bet you're probably wondering why I seem a little bit more intelligent now," he challenged Angel quietly.

Angel mouth twisted, "You got that right. Spike said that you were slow," he stated quietly.

"I am slow. It takes me a while to process information in my brain. My brother and my mate have adjusted to the way I am as have all my friends. During the day I'm slow, but usually around this time my mind has processed information and I'm able to hold intelligent conversations. My family have adjusted their lives to my condition." He quickly heated up blood for Angel and brought it to the table along with his sandwich.

There was silence in the kitchen as T'mar eyed Angel with calm intensity, "So, we finally get to meet the Great Angel, mate to Xander. It was getting so that we actually thought that Xander had made you up," he murmured, eying Angel steadily.

Angel looked down and remained silent.

"You know, you surprise me," T'mar said at last, "Had my brother came home and found me in bed with some stranger, he most likely would have killed that person then asked questions, yet you calmly accept me in bed with Xander. Most remarkable," he shook his head mockingly.

Angel looked at T'mar in askance, "You're mated with your brother?" he finally questioned with wide eyes, these people were crazy!

T'mar eyed him coolly, "I take it that that disturbs you? More than the fact that Xander is sleeping with a dead person," he raised his brows. "Take heart, my brother and I are most definitely NOT mated in the sense that you and Xander are. Shockingly enough, I'm also Travel Mated with his wife."

Angel opened his mouth and then closed it, not wanting to ask just how did that work considering that the man didn't have a dick or anything.

T'mar smiled calmly, knowing what was on the vampire's mind, "My people come in three sexes. Male, female and neuter. All children are born neuter. However, when they reach approximately 15 or 16 years of age, their bodies change and become the sex that they are closely drawn to. My brother and I were separated when we were children, he to one of our aunts and I to our uncle after the death of our parents. Unfortunately, no one realized until too late that our uncle was an extremely sick bastard with a sexual craving for neuters. Repeated beatings and rapes by my uncle damaged my brain, which made my body develop even slower than normal."

"And since I feel more closely aligned with the male aspect, I choose to consider myself a male, of course it would serve my brother right if I become a female," T'mar smirked before his smirk slowly faded away.

"But like I said, both of my mates probably would have killed you then asked questions if they found me in bed with you, but you calmly ignore another male in bed with your mate. We've always thought vampires were more territorial than that," T'mar raised a brow, his eyes challenging.

Angel's eyes narrowed, he was definitely feeling a lack of welcome from this male, "I trust Xander," he said stiffly.

T'mar snorted, "You don't even know Xander enough to trust him!"

Angel growled low in his throat at the male, his eyes slowly turning gold.

T'mar regarded him unblinkingly before pulling his sandwich to him. Keeping his eyes on Angel, he slowly unhinged his jaws and opened his mouth wide, revealing a double row of teeth within his mouth. He shoved the sandwich in his gaping maw, opening his throat wider to fit the sandwich in.

Angel, his anger forgotten, watched the bulging throat ripple and he shuddered as the sandwich bulge slide further down T'mar's throat until the huge mass was gone.

T'mar regarded him with cool eyes, a small smirk playing on his face, "There are a lot worse creatures in the world than vampires."

"Tell me, Angel, did you know that Xander will probably get his Mastery within the next 20 years, making him one of the youngest Masters? Did you also know how many times he's almost died on his missions? Were you aware that one time he was so badly hurt that it took him almost five months just to learn how to walk again? And yet we know more about you, about your fights for the Powers That Be than you apparently know about Xander. Interesting, don't you think?" T'mar tilted his head, regarding the shell shocked vampire sitting across from him.

"Xander almost died," Angel managed to whisper out, his eyes stunned and horrified.

"When did this happen," he asked urgently, snatching at T'mar's arm.

T'mar's eyes slowly began to deepen in color, "Take your hand off my arm, NOW!" he hissed, his tail hitting the floor with a solid sound in his anger.

Angel hastily removed his hand, "I'm sorry I just…just," he ran a hand through his hair. "This is the first I've heard of any of this," he said helplessly.

"Well, perhaps you should have been listening to Xander when he tried to talk to you," T'mar said coldly, his eyes glinting with anger.

"All three have been hurt brutally in service to your vaunted Powers That Be. One of the reasons why they refuse to work for them any longer was because misinformation was the leading cause of both Xander and Spike almost dying, and Willow losing a child."

Angel blinked, "Willow was pregnant? By Spike?!" It finally began to sink in just how cut off he was from them and he raised tortured eyes to T'mar, flinching at the contemptous look the other gave him.

"You’re such an idiot!" T'mar snapped. "As if Spike would allow another male to touch her!"

"Wh…whe..," Angel tried to clear the dryness in his throat. "When…how was Xander hurt," he asked hoarsely.

"Why don't you ask him yourself," T'mar said cruelly, his eyes icy and hard, "You're the one that apparently didn't have enough time to listen to him when he needed you. Who knows, maybe he won't find the time to listen to you when you need to talk to him!"

With that he got to his feet, "I'm going back to bed," and stalked away, his tail lashing angrily behind him.

Angel sat in the kitchen in stunned silence, first I lose my son because of Wesley….will I also I lose Xander through my arrogance that he's somehow less than I? He got to his feet like an old creaky man…losing Connor brought him to his knees and almost drove him over the edge. And if he lost Xander, he shook his head wearily…he would truly be one of the walking dead, a mere caricature of a vampire.

Xander gave his unlife meaning, a purpose…his mate brought laughter and sunshine into his dark cold world. It wasn't truly for his Shanshu that he served the PTB, it was because of Xander and Holly. And without Xander in his unlife he would simply be going through the motions of pretending to be animated while inside he was nothing but a rotting corpse.

Somewhere along the way he lost sight of the true reason why he sought his Shanshu, he could only pray that he wasn't too late. His lips quirked in a painfully rueful smile, he had no pride at the thought of losing Xander and if he had to beg, grovel and plead for Xander not to leave him he would.

Quietly he opened the bedroom door, sensing that both T'mar and Xander were fast asleep. Carefully, he eased into the bed trying not to disturb Xander, surprised when his mate murmured softly and rolled over, curling against him.

"Where were you," Xander muttered sleepily, pulling Angel's arm around him.

"Kitchen," Angel softly replied, cradling the other against his chest.

"Better now," Xander mumbled, without opening eyes, draping himself over Angel.

"Yeah," Angel said quietly, stroking the tumbled locks of hair, gentling his mate back to sleep. Taking some encouragement from the warm weight sprawled over him, he hoped that he had another chance to make things right. He would take comfort in the fact that Connor was alive somewhere in Quor-Toth and pray that Holtz kept his word and took care of his little boy.

"Uh...sleep good,andeander mumbled, sighing softly as he fell back to sleep.

Angel smiled, "Yeah, sleep good." And suiting actions to words, he joined Xander in the world of slumber.


Waking was extremely painful, however, what with the huge sword held steadily at his throat. He lay immobile in the bed, looking up at….T'mar? His brows drew down into a frown of puzzlement.

"Who are you and what are you doing in bed with my brother," T'mar asked coldly, giving the unmistakable impression that he really didn't care what Angel said, he was going to kill him anyway.

Angel's eyes shifted to the side and saw a hard faced woman glaring at him with icy artic eyes, her tail lashing back and forth.

Angel closed his eyes quickly as the bedrredrred, fearing the sword would 'accidently' slice his throat with the shifting bed but the man had better control than that, easily moving the sword away to avoid damage…or at least more serious damage.

"Tamen!" T'mar shouted happily before he jumped over Angel's prone body and into the open arms of his brother.

Tamen staggered back slightly before turning and sititng on the bed.

Angel pulled his feet over to make room and slowly sat up, a wary eye on the woman now holding a sword in her hand. His attention shifted between the two males and he started, finally connecting the pieces. He stared, barely aware of T'mar's babbling words to his fascinated brother.

Twins!

He thought in wonder, inhaled softly at the astounding beauty of the normal brother. He blinked, seeing the woman's attention shift as she listened to the spate of words coming from T'mar.

"….and we had a party," T'mar exclaimed with a wide smile, curled up in his brother's lap.

"And how long did you stay at our apartment," Tamen asked with a stern expression, stroking his brother gently.

"Uhm, a long time?" T'mar said hesitantly, peering up into Tamen's face then looking up at Shelby. "A real long long time before Xander came," and he nodded determinedly.

Shelby smiled, crouching to his level, "You think you'll be able to stay by yourself pretty soon, hmm?"

"Yep," T'mar smiled happily, feeling safe and warm with his brother and Shelby.

"Now, what have we told you about strange men," Tamen said quietly, his eyes intent.

T'mar sat up and looked earnestly into Tamen's face, "But he's not strange, he's just Xander's mate!" He twisted to look at Shelby, becoming upset and on the verge of tears.

Angel’s lips twisted at that remarked.

Both Tamen and Shelby looked at Angel with cool eyes and Angel sighed, yep, definitely not feeling the love here.

"Hi, I'm Angel, Xander's mate," he said, extending his hand to them. He pulled it back when they just regarded him blankly.

"Like this," T'mar exclaimed, seizing Angel's hand, "Up, down, up, down and stop."

Angel blinked, watching the light dawn on the faces of the other and and his hand was seized and pumped precisely like T'mar instructed.

Xander strolled out of the bath, stopping and stepping back into the bathroom to grab his robe.

"Hey, when did you two get back," he smiled at two more of his favorite people.

"About a few minutes ago," Tamen said, standing up and hugging T'mar to him. "Thanks for looking out for T'mar. If it wasn't a critical situation we would never have left him and we almost didn't but he said he would be okay to stay by himself," he looked fondly down at his cuddly twin before planting a soft kiss on T'mar's forehead. His tail was wrapped tightly around T'mar's waist and twining with Shelby's.

"And I did," T'mar shouted, almost bursting with pride. "Yep, pretty soon, I'm gonna be able to stay all by myself." He looked at them with proud eyes. "But not right now though, okay," he added hastily, clutching firmly at Tamen and Shelby's hands.

"Cool," Xander replied, "You gmet met Angel," he gestured to his mate still in the bed.

"I introduced them," T'mar boasted, "And I taught them to shake hands!" His chest was puffed out in pride.

"Way to go, dude," Xander exclaimed, looking at T'mar with a suitable expression of amazement, his smile growing at the flush of happiness that filled T'mar's face.

"Xan, we'll let you and your mate alone," Shelby said quietly, "Do you want us to watch Holly while you're here?"

Xander looked at Angel swiftly and then away, "Nah, we got it covered," he said quietly, "But thanks for the offer."

"The offer is always open, my friend," Tamen said equally quietly, "Thanks for everything."

"Bye Xander," T'mar twisted and waved, then looking between Shelby and Tamen he started back telling them everything he did since they left on their mission.

There was silence in the room before it was broken by Angel.

"I thought when I woke up that Tamen or Shelby was going to cut my throat," he said wryly, rubbing at his neck.

"Probably they would have if you hadn't been in my bed," Xander said quietly, going over to the dresser and pulling some clothes to put on.

Angel had froze, his eyes slightly narrowing on the sleek back wondering….

"Your bed," he said softly, climbing from the bed and padding over to Xander.

Xander frowned, turning around to ask, "Did I say my bed? I meant our bed," he said hastily at the look on his vampire’s face.

Angel stood in front of him, watching Xander's eyes. He reached out, hoping that Xander would talk to him through their link and felt the door closed gently between them.

"Angel, don't," Xander said quietly, his eyes sad. "Just don't."

Angel winced at the flare of pain in Xander's eyes, "Xan, I know that I screwed up big time, but please don't give up on me," he whispered. "You and Holly are my world, you mean everything to me. Yeah, I was lost for a while and treated you like a…a…minion, but Xander I don't…I can't bear to lose you. Or Holly."

Xander searched Angel’s remorseful eyes, blinking at the depth of emotions filling the beautiful brown eyes gazing at him steadily. He lowered his head, unsure if this was a good idea, wondering if he was just setting himself up for another fall. Maybe it was his fault for not trying hard enough to get through to Angel, for not forcing his mate to SEE and HEAR him.

Angel tilted Xander's face up, "Xander, I'm serious," he said quietly. "What ever you want me to do, I'm willing to do it. If you want me to bark like a dog, jump through hoops of fire…I'll do it. Just give me another chance," he ended in a whisper, stepping closer.

"How do I know this time you'll listen to me, be there for me," Xander asked hesitantly, looking into Angel's worried eyes, searching for the truth as his hands tightened on his mate's shoulders.

"Well, if I screw up again, throw a brick at me…and I can promise you that I'll get the message loud and clear," Angel tried to smile into the worried eyes of his lover. "But I do love you, Alexander LaVelle Harris. But you need to tell me, to talk to me when I do something wrong and stop trying to hide shit because sometimes I really *don't* know what's wrong or when I screw up. I think that our problem is that we're both too afraid of getting kicked out of the Men's Club…again."

Xander exhaled shudderingly, a brief smile crossing his face at Angel's attempt at humor. He nodded quickly and the dawning smile of happiness that grew in Angel's eyes sent warm tingles of heat through him. It felt like it had been forever since he had seen that look on Angel's face directed at him.

"Bed now," he said hopefully, peeking at Angel beneath his lashes. Wanting, needing the familiarity of touching…the comfort of being close to Angel in bed…of his mate loving him, of Angel being a part of him when they made love.

And considering their sex lives, he was very much surprised when Angel smilingly shook his head in refusal.

"Mo gra, in order for this to work, to rebuild your trust in me I want to take us back to the beginning, when I courted and proved my love to you. I want to be that same man that you fell in love with and I want to you to know that you can believe in me, depend on me…love me," Angel quietly stated, his face softening at the look of confusion in Xander's wide brown eyes.

"For how long," Xander said suspiciously, frowning at the thought of no nookie with Angel.

"For as long as it takes," was the calm response despite the heat burning in Angel's dark gaze.

Xander thought a moment, "Okay, I'm convinced! Bed now," he demanded, trying to pull Angel to the bed and growling angrily when the laughing man refused. Bed was the only place he felt able to connect with Angel, to feel needed by his mate. He felt tears come to his eyes and turned away hastily, unwilling for Angel to see him cry.

Angel inhaled softly, feeling like pounding his head against the wall. Only after he had laughed, had he seen the desperation in Xander's eyes and remembered what his mate had said about the only place he felt needed or wanted was in bed.

"Xander, don't," he pleaded quietly, reeling the stiff body back to him and wrapping his arms around the angry body of his lover.

"Don't start imagining this into something that it is not. I never want you to feel that I'm taking advantage of you or that I think that you are nothing but a sextoy. I want to show you how much I value you…your smile, your love…the way you light up a room with lter.ter. I don't want you to have any doubts about yourself, me or us. I want you to be sure of my continuing love and devotion to you, to our family. I just thought that by NOT having sex would prove to you that easueasure YOU and not just your body. I treasure what makes up, Alexander LaVelle Harris," and he stroked gently over Xander's heart feeling the rigid body soften against him.

"But I said that I was convinced," Xander muttered, turning around and looking at Angel.

"Are you sure," Angel replied softly, peering into Xander's eyes and nodding to himself as his mate looked away.

"When you are sure, I mean 100% sure of of mof my love for you and not just for your body, then we will make love," Angel stated with quiet finality.

"Fine," Xander spat out, feeling angry for no particular reason. "Then I hope you have fun sleeping alone," he sneered before turning to storm away.

Angel snatched him back against him, "And who said that I will be sleeping alone," he retorted softly, his eyes glittering with rising desire.

"Oh no, my pretty, you will be right beside me when I'm sleeping," he breathed and kissed Xander hungrily. Both of them stirring to hard arousal before Angel managed to pull away.