Love is...

Title: Love Is Sacrifice
Series: Love Is…
Author's Name: Scarlet
Author's Email and URL: scarletsfiction@yahoo.com www.geocities.com/karenmnick
Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer. No profit is made from this piece of fiction.
Distribution: Of course you may place my baby somewhere nice. Just let me know so I can visit.
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Andrew/Spike
Feedback: Yes!
Dedication: To Kaz and Katie.
Author's Notes: Takes place during Chosen. The title says it all. Warning: No floofy cop-outs here! Read at your own discretion.
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You know that part in Reality Bites when Winona Ryder and Ben Stiller are discussing how you can sometimes just catch yourself in the middle of a “perfect moment” when everything else falls away? They’re sitting in the car and “Baby, I Love Your Way” comes on and everything is…perfect. Have you ever had one of those moments?

Yeah, me neither.

But sitting on Spike’s cot and watching him lace up his boots comes really close. It would be perfect if it weren’t for the fact that in, like, twenty-four hours I’m going to die. I’m cool with it. As long as Spike’s with me in the end, I’ll be okay. As long as I’m with Spike.

Spike.

Spike likes me. Or at least he doesn’t hate me. You can’t hate the people you have sex with. I’m sure of it. Spike and I had sex. And it was really, really…I don’t know. I don’t have much to compare it with like Spike probably does, but I thought it was the greatest thing that ever happened to me in my entire life. And I’m including the time I ran into William Shatner in the bathroom of Long John Silvers.

Spike likes me. His back is bent as he laces his boots and I can see small scratches that I, Andrew Wells, left on him. The hickey I gave him a couple of days ago is totally gone but if I’m lucky, he’ll still have my scratches on him for a while-at least for a couple of days after I die. I don’t actually have any marks on me. It’s kind of surprising, but Spike was really…if I say “gentle” he’ll sound really girlie so I’ll just say he’s good at not leaving marks. I reach my hand out and run it over the bumps of his spine. His skin is so smooth and it’s even paler than mine.

“You’d best get dressed,” he says around his unlit cigarette. Then he pulls on his t-shirt but I don’t move because I can’t stop staring. “Am I gonna need to learn how to dress you as well as undress you?” he asks, then leans low and kisses me. I guess that breaks my trance because when he stands up, I look around for my clothes. “I’ll be in the living room when you’re ready to join the party.” He rubs my head and then he leaves.

I can’t find my shirt and I realize it’s under the cot. My shoes are missing, too, until I realize that I came here barefoot last night.

Last night.

Spike doesn’t hate me. He wasn’t mad. He wanted to kiss me. We had sex. I’m flipping channels on the Andrew Cable Network. Spike, of course, is the star of most of my inner channels. Spike kissing me, Spike sucking me, Spike panting my name into my ear when he finally came inside of me.

Spike was inside me. For real.

You wanna know a secret? I love him. I love Spike. I mean, I don’t know if I’ll tell him cause he’s more the “love ‘em and leave ‘em” type but then again, I know I’ll be gone soon anyway so maybe he won’t mind someone loving him for a little while. Or maybe I should just hang on to that secret myself so when Spike and I are fighting the Big Fight I’ll have something to take with me when I go.

I love Spike.

***

“What if you could have that power? Now. All of you…”

Holy crap! Excuse me. But oh my gosh! This is why Buffy is the Slayer. This, and the fact that she can fight evil in leather pants and a halter top. Spike is standing near Buffy and he’s put on that weird necklace thing she gave him. I try not to look at him cause I know he’d probably be embarrassed if anyone knew what happened last night but I catch him looking at me anyway and we share a quick smile.

“…Spike, Faith, and I will lead the potentials into the Hellmouth…”

Going into the Hellmouth? Standing on the seal was close enough for me, thank you very much. Still, if Spike can do it, I guess I can do it. I can be brave. I can—“

“—want Giles and Robin on that side. Anya, you and Andrew will take the school entrance. If anything gets out, it’s over. Do you understand?”

The Scoobies are nodding intensely but I’m feeling the sinking sensation I get just before giving an oral report in English Lit class.

“No,” I say abruptly.

“Andrew?” Buffy motions for me to go on

“I mean, I understand. And I’m jiggy with your whole plan except that I just want to let you know that I’m going with you. You know…into the Hellmouth.”

There. I said it and I didn’t stutter once.

“That’s impossible, Andrew. I need you topside. Did you hear the whole ‘if one gets out it’s all lost’ part of my speech?” She doesn’t look mad, but she does look tired. She just doesn’t get it, yet.

“You don’t understand. I have to be down there. I can’t be away from—the action. I want to be there, mix it up, you know…” My voice is getting high and desperate even as she’s shaking her head. Staying topside isn’t an option. I can’t do this without Spike. He’ll protect me. I’ll protect him. He’ll be with me at the End. I don’t want the last thing I see to be Sunnydale High School or the place where I killed Jonathan.

Where I killed Jonathan…Oh, god! My heart is racing. I can feel something slipping away before I even know what it is…

“Andrew, you can’t—“

“No! No dammit! I have to be there! I have to!”

I’m almost, almost crying. Dammit! Why can’t I be brave like Spike? Why can’t I just shut up? But I can’t. I can’t die alone like Jonathan. I just can’t. Spike knows that. He’ll help me. He gets it. I know he does. I look to him for support but he just shakes his head sadly and then I know I’ve lost everything.

“Spike?” He just looks at me. “Spike…” I’m pleading to him. It’s only one word but it’s enough to bring on the tears. “Please! I don’t wanna stay topside! I don’t wanna…” My knees are starting to buckle and Spike is across the room in five large steps. He wraps his arm around me and drags me to the kitchen.

“Andrew? Andrew, calm down.” He’s smoothing my hair and rubbing the tears off of my cheeks. “Shhhh…Andrew?”

“I don’t wanna be with Anya! I wanna be with you when I die. I can’t…I can’t…” I think I’m hyperventilating. He wraps his arms around me and I bury my face into his shoulder. He rubs my back until the hiccups stop and I’m breathing quieter. Then he pulls me face to his and kisses me quickly. There is an surprised gasp from somewhere behind me. I think it might be Anya and I don’t think she’s the only one there, but I don’t care. I don’t think Spike does either.

“Andrew, listen to me. Will you listen to me?”

I nod.

“For over seven years this world has been kept apocalypse-free because of folks like you and I following exactly what that little Barbie doll in there said. Exactly. Do you understand that? You? And me? We’re just spokes in the bloody Slayer wheel. If we try changin’ things on our own, more people are gonna die. I can’t explain it, love. I can’t, I just know that when Buffy has a plan, we have to go with it. All the way. To the very end, see? Oh, Andrew, tell me you understand.”

I can hardly concentrate on what he’s saying. I’m going to die alone. The thought just runs through my head. Alone. Alone. Alone I’m sobbing again but this time it’s cause I know he’s right.

“Andrew…shhh…Andrew…love…” He’s kissing my face and my hair and rubbing my back. I’m all wet. I think it’s cause I’m crying but then I realize it’s wet on my neck and my forehead, too, and when I look up Spike’s crying. “I don’t…I don’t want to leave you tomorrow either…I...Shit! This is the hardest thing I’ver har had to say, but I need you to do this for me, Andrew. Need you to let me go down there. It’s what I owe. It’s what I deserve.”

I start to interrupt but he stops me.

“No, it’s true. Tomorrow, I want you to fight, Andrew. Fuck, I want you to fight like you’ve never fought before. You stand there with Anya and you fight like she was me. Got it? She is me and I’m always with you. Say it with me. ‘Anya’s Spike and Spike is always with me.’ “

I try. I really do. I see movement in the corner of my eye. Everyone is at the kitchen door now, too afraid to come in except Anya. Maybe she’s too clueless to realize it should be an awkward moment, but she’s standing at the door and I think she’s crying with me. “Anya is Spike….Spike is always with me.”

I’ll let him go. I know I’ll let him go. I’ll do whatever he asks me to because I love him. I cry harder which makes him cry harder. “Shhh...love…shhh…” he says.

“Stop saying that! Stop acting like I’m Buffy or Dawn. You don’t have to call me that! You don’t …just don’t…” I’m hiccuping again.

“Do what?” he says, his voice thick with emotion. “Don’t call you love? Don’t show you I’m afraid? Afraid for both of us? Don’t tell you that if this is our last day on this miserable earth that I’m glad I’m here with you? Don’t—“ He grabs my face and tips it right toward his. “Don’t tell you I love you?” Then he kisses me.

There are slayers and Scoobies at the kitchen door, trying to look nonchalant but really trying to catch part of our discussion. Spike kisses me and he doesn’t care. Our mouths slide together, wet and salty with tears. I breathe into his mouth and he smiles.

“For as long as we have,” he whispers. “Right?”

“Right,” I whisper back.

So, I guess I’ll let him go. When the sun rises tomorrow, he’ll go into the mouth ell ell and I’ll let him. I’ll fight with Anya and when I die, I’ll see her face and I’ll know Spike loves me and it will be enough.

It will have to be enough.

***

That night we make love.

It sounds kind of goofy-like one of those daytime soaps that Spike likes-but we do. Spike lets me be inside him for a while. His body is cold but his mouth and hands are warm because they’ve been touching me.

I make him warm.

When I finally come, I cry again. Warren always called me a “goddamn crybaby” and I guess I am, but fuck it. When you only have twelve hours to live, you’re allowed to cry and swear and do all of those things you’d never let yourself do any other time. Spike licks my face and I rub my tears into his skin. He tells me he loves me again and I try to do the same but his mouth is on mine.

When I’m finally quiet, he rolls me to my back and wraps my legs around his neck. I’m very bendy, like Stretch Armstrong, which is a really good thing in this case. He watches my face and slides a slippery finger into me before I even know he’s going to do it. He’s really good at this. It hurts a little but I don’t care ‘cause Spike is in me again.

I always want him in me.

One finger becomes two and then three and I cry again, quietly. Pretty soon he takes out his fingers and then he’s really in me now. Only this time, he doesn’t move. He just stays there. Maybe he wants to always be in me. I don’t know.

His necklace thing dangles between us and catches the light. I’m really starting to hate that thing.

Finally, he does move but he doesn’t stop looking at me. He just pulls out a little tiny bit and the pushes back. Then out a little bit, then back. It’s so slow…this beautiful, slow burn…and his eyes are shiny. I think maybe he wants to cry, too, but he doesn’t. He’s going to be brave for me. Spike loves me.

“I love you,” I whisper.

“I know,” he smiles. Slow…so slow…my chest is so tight; my heart is on fire.

It’s not a bad goodbye.

***

“Spike? Spike?” I whisper.

He groans under my body and tries to burrow underneath me.

“Spike? The sun’s rising. It’s time.”

***

Sunnydale High School used to smell like fishsticks and gym socks. Now, the new school smells like fresh paint, new wood, fishsticks, and gym socks. It’s pretty trashed from the Hellmouth fallout caused by, uh, me. I can only worry about one thing at a time right now, though.

Spike and I took the tunnels to the school instead of coming in the bus Mr. Giles stole. Buffy suggested it, actually. I thought it was pretty nice of her. I’ve only been in the sewers a couple of times but sloshing through them holding Spike’s hand is one experience I never thought I’d have. We meet up with them topside and Buffy is busy giving last-minute instructions and checking weapons. I have a sword twice as heavy as any weapon I’ve ever carried.

I think this is going to be a very short battle.

“Hey! Andrew!” Spike snaps his fingers. “Focus now, love. It’s beginning.” He looks determined. I try to be cool like him but it’s hard. We’ve already said “I love you” and he refused to say “goodbye,” which makes me sad but I won’t tell him that. He still thinks I’ll live but I know the truth.

“Anya, Andrew?” Buffy gestures for us to take our places. This is it. Spike’s face is calm now-his jaw is set like he doesn’t care but I know he does. He kisses me then, in front of everyone, and I know it’s love. Some of the almost-slayers are crying and I realize it’s not for them but for me. God, I’m pretty pathetic.

“Love you,” he says.

“Love you,” I answer and then he turns.

And like that, the battle begins.

***

I’m not really scared. That’s the funny thing. I mean, I’m prepared to die and I don’t want to be one of those surprised humans Anya was talking about. She’s pretty cool. If I have to die with someone that’s not Spike, I guess it’s okay that it’s her. We’re waiting by the doors and I can hear something going on below us, but I don’t know what. I think it’s the anticipation that’s going to kill me.

“You’re lucky,” she says.

“Huh?” There’s a clanging sound below us now. Fuck.

“He loves you. And he’s very handsome. And he’s a tiger in the sack. A bit cold, but still very talented. Don’t worry, though. I’m not going to steal him or anything.” Anya looks a little nervous and another loud crash shakes the floor. She’s trembling and drops her sword, then picks it up again.

Anya is Spike. Spike is always with me.

Oh, god. I can feel it. The fighting is about to begin. Anya drops her sword again.

“Anya! Get a grip! Literally!”

“Well I’m sorry, but…I'm scared. I assumed that you'd be scared and I'd be sarcastic about it!”

“Picture happy things…a lake, candy canes….bunnies.

“Bunnies. Floppy, hoppy…bunnies!” Her eyes narrow and she begins to charge with ferocity.

DAMN! What the heck does the woman have against bunnies? I feel sorry for the first Ubervamp she sees and--SHIT!

I don’t know why I didn’t count on Bringers. I put them on my freaking board and then I forgot about them until now when I see them swarm to us. Oh, god! I’m nowhere near ready for something like this. I hope Willow’s spell is working. I hope we’ll have Slayer reinforcements soon. I hope I don’t wet my pants.

Anya is amazing. She’s like Xena. I guess that makes me Gabrielle. I swing and I swing and I even manage to hit a few but god, there are so many…I kick and I swing and it feels like this has been going on forever but I know it’s only been a few minutes. It’s funny how people prepare for battle and then when it comes, it’s so short. Just a few swings and you’re dead. Or they’re dead.

I spin quickly just like Spike taught me, and I think I cut one Ubervamp pretty good. He’s not dead, though, but he is stunned. Little high-five for Andrew…This is such a joke. I’m not going to just stand here and wait to die but I know it’s going to happen soon. I back myself to a wall where I can’t be surprised from behind and I keep swinging. Holy Biscuits! I think I got one! Hey, way to go Andrew! This seems to be a good strategy for now. At least against the wall one side is bad-guy free. I should tell Anya—

“ANYA!” The Bringer is so close! How come she doesn’t notice? “BEHIND YOU!” She spins and dips low and there is one less Bringer in the Pain Posse.

“Thanks!” she calls, spinning again and taking an Ubervamp down with a blow to the neck.

Anya is Spike. Spike is always with me.

“No problem!” I call. The rumbling under our feet is turning into a full-fledged earthquake. I stumble and Anya stumbles. We crash together, falling just out of the range of the last Bringer’s knife. I whip my sword up in what I hope is a manly display of swordsmanship and not a recreation of a Captain Feathersword dance number. The Bringer goes down dead and we follow him, thankfully alive, as the building begins to crumble.

What the bananas? Was destroying the school in an earthquake part of Buffy’s plan? Not that I’m knocking it or anything, but…

We’re both being buried under chunks of plaster. I feel one large piece hit my head and I kick at it. Suddenly there’s a strong hand grasping my arm and I want so badly to believe it’s Spike’s hand, but when it lifts me from the rubble, it’s Xander.

“Where’s Anya?” he asks and I gesture to the pile below me. He scrambles through the mess to find her as more plaster and wood rain on us. “ANYA!” He calls toward the pile and a slim, manicured hand that’s now scratchy and a little bloody juts out. He grabs it and lifts her from the wreckage. That’s when I notice the others. There are Slayers and Scoobies rushing past us toward the front door. I don’t quite get it but something has happened-something beside the regularly-scheduled bloodshed.

“Andrew, come on.” Anya’s arm is slung around Xander’s shoulder and he’s gesturing for me to follow them.

“Where’s Spike?” I ask, knowing it’s a stupid question, but having to do it anyway. Xander looks at me and shakes his head. I see Faith rush past and call out again, “Where is Spike?” I know Faith doesn’t like me that much, but she looks so sad and miserable that I know it must have been bad down there.

“Sorry, kid.”

I nod, completely numb. My head hurts and my leg hurts and I think I may have broken some toes. I have broken toes and Spike is dead. I want to join him right now, to go into the Hellmouth and find whatever is left of his body. Did he get dusted? Probably, I mean that’s the only-the only… He told me last night that after it started we should just take care of ourselves, but fuck it! I might be able to help him. What if he’s not dead? What if he’s trapped under some rocks or something? I could rescue him! I could…I could…

I halfheartedly head toward Spike, toward the Hellmouth. I haven’t gone more than two steps when I realize that my head is bleeding really bad and my knees start to give out. Xander pulls me over his other shoulder and, ashamed, I let him. The three of us stagger out as fast as we can. I don’t have any idea what’s going on, but the Slayers are panicked and euphoric and for some reason I think we won. It’s not over, though. I know that. I’m bleeding and the ground is still shaking and I’m ready for my turn to die. It’s almost my turn.

Principal Wood has the bus started but he doesn’t look that good and—god, I wish Sandra Bullock were here to drive this bus. We’re all watching the entrance. No Buffy. No Spike. I know we can’t wait any longer but when the bus pulls away from the school, I moan without thinking. The bus goes faster and faster. I can’t help but think of that s in in Jurassic Park when the scientists are trying to escape the charging T-Rex in a jeep.

Objects in the mirror may appear closer than they are. Not so amusing any more.

I’m delirious. I think I might have a concussion. Or an aneurysm. I’ll probably die on the bus. Any time now.

I don’t know who sees her first. I don’t really care. I don’t care that s ali alive. Does that make me a bad person? Probably. The earth is opening up and swallowing Sunnydale whole and I want to join it. I want to join Spike, wherever he is now. I probably will, because we’re not out of the hotzone yet. But Buffy is chasing us and she might make it. herehere’s a thump on the roof. Buffy. That’s nice, I guess.

The city speeds by. There are wide, empty stretches of land but I pay them little attention. Any time now. I’m ready. It’s my turn.

The bus stops. We’re getting out now? I don’t want to move. I like this seat. It’s a good seat, all bumpy green vinyl and tiny rips. Very good death car. I won’t get to pick my own coffin, but I guess a stinky bus will do. It doesn’t really matter. It…

That’s when I realize it. The stillness. The ground isn’t shaking. The bus isn’t rumbling. The tranquility tells me it’s over. It’s over and

“I’m alive.”

I don’t get it.

I don’t understand.

This. Does. Not. Compute.
*
*

“Andrew.” A small, warm hand slides into mine. “Andrew, I think you need to get off the bus. Come with me.”

Anya’s just trying to be nice, I know, but right now I really, really hate her. It was a dumb fucking promise ‘cause she’ll never be Spike and Spike won’t be with me. Spike is…somewhere. Somewhere gone, somewhere dead. Somewhere that’s not inside me.

“Andrew!” she shrieks, taking a different tack. “Get your skinny little ass off this bus and come look at smo smoldering pit that used to be your home!”

That gets me moving. The air outside is warm and dusty, the ground deep and empty. Like my heart, I think. Like my soul. The rest of the potentials-I mean, the slayers-stand in a clump, looking out at the nothing. And somewhere in that huge pit of nothing is someone who loved me, maybe the only person who ever really loved me.

“Did you see him?” I ask Buffy, finally.

“He saved the world,” she says simply, anilesiles. I hear the others talking but their voices are far away, like echoes from talking underwater. She moves to stand closer to them but I can only look at the smoldering canyon and hurt.

“What will you do next?” Dawn asks Buffy. That’s an excellent question. What will I do next? What do I do without him?

I have no idea.