Becoming

OK, I’ve wrote this mainly for Chelzi who took the time to post a lovely review on my first ever attempt at fanfic and it really made my day. I’m still not convinced that I’m any good at this but enough people seem to have hit my first story so I’ve spent the time actually working on a plot for this one and it’s going to be a lot longer than An Unlikely Gift.

Thank you to Xillah who pointed out that reading this was a little hard on the eyes due to a complete lack of paragraph breaks – have reformatted so hopefully this will be better, please give it a go and let me know what you think, hope it doesn’t disappoint.

Please please review, even if you hate it, let me know why so I can work at getting better, conversely if you love it then please feed my ego and let me know.

Right, on with the story, to set the scene it’s set right at the end of Season 5 with an AU ending to Chosen, oh and there was never any Anya and Spike never loved Buffy. Hope you enjoy…



Chapter 1
Sacrifice


Xander stepped towards the broken, bleeding man attempting to drag himself away from the destruction the battle between Glory and her minions and the Scoobies. A quick glance about showed him that Giles, Buffy and Dawn were huddled together, Buffy hugging her sister close as though nothing would make her let go. Willow and Tara were also huddled together, Willow babbling relentlessly at Tara, apparently determined to fill her in on everything the blonde witch had missed.


A groan from the man in front of him brought him back t the task at hand, he had heard Buffy’s order to the man, that he and Glory leave, having missed her chance the hell god had nothing to gain from hurting Buffy, Dawn or any of them. Buffy being the righteous, noble type saw it that way of course, so black and white. Xander unfortunately knew otherwise, she was a hell god, her very existence was about causing pain, suffering and torment. What did it matter if there was nothing in it for her? He knew that the minute Glory had recovered from the ultimate smack-down Buffy had placed on her tonight that she would be back, and perhaps with nothing to lose more dangerous than ever. She wouldn’t stop until everyone and everything that Buffy loved was destroyed, and then she’d crush Buffy. Xander had faltered earlier in the Magic Shop when he’d said that they could kill a normal guy, however he hadn’t faltered like everyone thought over the idea of doing it, more over their reactions to him even suggesting it. Xander wasn’t a killer, not yet, but he knew that if it came to his people over Ben’s life he’d be able to do it, and faced with it now he knew he could. He didn’t want to, God knew he didn’t want to but he knew it had to be done.

Kneeling besides the man he said in a soft tone “Does it hurt?” Ben looked at him and Xander could see pain and endless regret swimming in his eyes “Yes” he gasped, “it never normally does when I come back, guess Buffy beat her down good huh?”, Xander allowed a wry smile “that she did, had herself a troll hammer though and I hit her with a wrecking ball” Ben nodded then sighed, “You know what I have to do” Xander continued almost conversationally, “Glory wont leave Buffy alone, as soon as she’s back you know she’ll hunt them down and I can’t allow that” he saw the fear creep into Ben’s eyes and felt sick “I’m sorry Ben, really sorry. You never asked for any of this and you get royally fucked over by it all but I gotta make a choice man and I choose my friends” he reached forward and grabbed the mans head, tears spilling over and he was going to be sick but he needed to wait, once he had done it he could toss his cookies all he wanted, just gotta do this first. Shaking hard he readjusted his grip on Ben’s head, ready to twist. He was determined to make it as quick and painless for the man as he could. He could see the fear in the mans eyes but also a glimmer of acceptance and maybe gratitude, he could understand that. If he was stuck sharing his life with some demented hell bitch he’d want out too. Straightening he prepared himself, one deep breath and then, a hand on his shoulder stopped him, spinning round he saw Spike looking just as beaten as Ben half supporting himself on Xander but with a firm look in his eyes


“You don’t wanna be doing that Xander pet” he said “you’re a white hat, the only bleeding innocent out of the group. You do this and the darkness’ll never really leave ya, you’ll always see blood on your hands no matter how justified you know your actions were”. Xander trembled, “I know” he whispered knowing that Spike’s hearing would pick it up “but Buffy and Dawn, Wills, Giles, Tara, everyone. They’ll all be in danger as long as he lives”, Spike nodded slowly, “yeah, kinda figured that one out. M’just saying that s’not your place to do this. Some of us here are already tarnished, dammed and got nothin to lose. Step aside Xander” and despite the fact that an order like that would ordinarily have riled Xander up the tone in which it was delivered was so soft and almost regretful that he nodded and made to stand before a thought occurred to him. “Wait, the chip. You can’t, Ben’s human and you can’t hurt humans.” Spike gave him a level look, “actually I can, hit you enough times aint I? Hurts like a sonofabitch but I can handle it, I can handle this. I can’t let you do this Xander, not you.” There was a pleading, almost desperate tone to Spike’s voice that made Xander pause, it sounded almost as though the vampire cared about him. That was of course impossible, Xander had tried so many times to stop the insults that he spewed whenever he was in the blonde vampire’s company but couldn’t, he found it hilarious that his friends who knew him so well and knew his defence mechanism was to throw out sarcastic comments had never noticed the increase in frequency when Spike was around. Despite the fact that Xander had now completely dealt with the fact that he was apparently attracted to Spike he wasn’t about to say anything, he’d checked and it wasn’t other men that he found attractive, he’d tried checking out guys at the gym and it had left him cold, hell he’d even tried watching gay porn and frankly found it hilarious but in no way shape or form was it arousing. Added to this was the fact that this was Spike! The man was straight as an arrow and oozed sex appeal without even trying and could likely have any woman he wanted, why on earth would he be interested in the zeppo, donught boy, comic relief that was Xander Harris? No, Mamma Harris raised no fool, well he considered wryly, Momma Harris raised no-one, she was too drunk to bother about a whiny 6 year old. Still, the principle remained the same, despite his many experiences with rejection he just didn’t think he could take it from Spike, so he hid behind biting remarks designed to keep a safe distance between him and the object of his desires. So why was Spike looking at him now with that intense look that Xander felt drilling into his soul?


Slowly he nodded and moved away from Ben who had been watching the exchange silently, apparently having accepted his swift approaching death, still not standing but leaving room for Spike to kneel beside him. Spike looked at him and smiled sadly, “you staying pet?”, “yeah was planning on it, unless… you want me to leave you alone?” Xander asked, he hadn’t really given much thought to it, but Spike looked, he looked as though he didn’t want to do this himself, but that was crazy, he was a vampire after all and as he constantly reminded them evil by nature. “Nah, s’just I thought, well doesn’t matter what I thought. M’glad you’re here” shooting Xander a cheeky grin he added “can catch me when I swoon like a maiden of old from the blinding pain in my skull yeah?” Xander allowed a grin back “don’t worry about it, I’ll be your white knight” Spike nodded and faced Ben “m’truly sorry bout this pet, s’nothing personal it’s just cant risk anything happening to me and mine ya understand?” Ben nodded once, again that look of almost gratitude fleeting across his face before he closed his eyes, Xander glanced at Spike and was astounded to see a single tear tracking down that pale alabaster face. Without thinking he reached out and gently wiped it away “Spike” he whispered his eyes never leaving the cerulean blues that were fixed on his “For you pet” Spike whispered and before Xander could react he twisted hard. Xander heard the crack as Ben’s neck snapped and Spike allowed his body to rest on the ground then things happened so fast. Spike arched back, knees still grounded but his back arched like a bowstring, face tilted towards the sky and he screamed. Falling back and Xander forgot about his promise to catch Spike and watched helplessly as the blonde writhed and convulsed on the floor still screaming. It took at least 30 seconds for Xander to get himself together and then he pulled the blonde’s head into his lap, petting and stroking the surprisingly soft hair and murmuring pointless platitudes to the blonde, assuring him that it was done now and would get better in just a minute, that Buffy and Dawn were safe now, that Glory was gone.


After what felt like an eternity but was likely less than 5 minutes the convulsions stopped and Xander was relieved to see Spike open his eyes, blue gaze apparently searching for something desperately until it settled on Xander’s frantic face. Blue met brown again and Xander whispered “You should have let me do it, you knew it was gonna hurt you bad. Why?” and Spike whispered back with a small secretive smile “because you mean too much to me for me to let you slip into darkness, you belong in the light Xander, not the shadows. Never with me” the blue eyes held his for a moment with a look of indescribable sadness then slowly slid shut. As the blonde head tilted to the side Xander saw the trail of blood from his ear and screamed “Giles! Wills? Buffy! Someone please!”


AN – Ha ha! A little mean I know to stop it here but not to worry the next few chapters are already posted…