After the pain
folder
AtS/BtVS Crossovers › Het - Male/Female › Buffy/Spike(William)
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
6
Views:
1,696
Reviews:
10
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
AtS/BtVS Crossovers › Het - Male/Female › Buffy/Spike(William)
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
6
Views:
1,696
Reviews:
10
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer (BtVS), nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
THE COLD INSIDE
Chapter 1
THE COLD INSIDE
It was a windy night. And cloudy. Like it has been cloudy for the last four weeks. It was nothing unusual for this time of year on this particular spot of the world. Spike even liked the fierce winter. At least it suited the frozen state his heart was in. And here it didn't really matter if he wanted to go out before or after sunset. There was not much sunshine that could reach dirty white earth. The air was freezing but there was not much snow.
The sea was stormy and that suited Spike's mood too – nothing too light or merry could irritate him. He came here fairly often. The beach soothed his nerves a bit after he killed everything there was to kill.
It was known that clinical depression was kind of national sport among locals. Long and dark winters kept people from looking at the bright side of life like Americans seemed to do. Happiness was more like an inner state of mind not laughing and partying here. Northern type of character they said. Spike liked it. He didn't feel at peace though. More like lethargic.
It was over a year after he had closed the Hellmouth and several months since the final battle in LA. It was ironic really. The only ones who survived were fallen angels - Illyria, the ex-god and himself, champion wannabe. He didn't know why he was still alive. He didn't care. It didn't matter. Nothing much did anymore.
Spike didn't want to go to the motel he was staying in. He spent most of the last two decades indoors hiding from the sun. Now he hung around as much as he could. Not in bars and pubs. More in the open air, on the streets, by the sea bank, anywhere. Aimlessly, no obligations, no one to answer to. Like good old times. Kind of.
Besides he didn't like his room but was too short of currency at the moment for moving. It wasn't really an option to stay in some crypt in the graveyard like he was used to. Firstly there were not much crypts to choose from and secondly... Well, even if temperature did not affect vampires too much it was still rather uncomfortable to live in a room where every surface was covered with ice. Some heating system was necessary.
Basically humans and vamps did need the same things he thought – food, warm, and a good shag or being loved. And like most people, Spike was lack of the last one. Not like it would be difficult for him to get a decent fuck here and there. He just wasn't too interested anymore. Not in it's quality anyway. He even did guys now and then. With girls he felt guilty. Bloody ponce! It was a little too painful because he always ended up with someone who’d remind him of her.
Spike wasn't considering finding Buffy anymore. He had been given time to think about everything that happened between them while he was stuck in Wolfram and Heart. He was kind of content now in knowledge that he would never make her happy. From the moment she said that she loved him he knew – there was nothing to be saved in their relationship. Before that he would have had anything she was willing to give him. He wanted to be her mate, alley, lover and he hoped he was or would eventually become much more. But when she finally said the words he was longing for, he knew that lies were not enough for him anymore. Or for Buffy.
He knew that Buffy herself hated living in a lie. While she fucked him she lied herself about not having feelings for him and loathed herself. Now in the fear of changes she wanted to prolong the convenient relationship with a lie and that would only lead to more self hatred. She doesn't love you, mate. She never will.
Making her happy has been the goal of his unlife for years. But finally it hit him that no one can make anybody happy if they can't be happy themselves. Buffy had to find her own way as Spike did. Or didn't. Didn't matter. Buffy had been his life, his unlife, his everything. And he couldn't make her happy. He had failed her.
He wanted her to be happy even if it would be on his own expense. He got his soul for her, he was willing to (and did in a way) die for her. He would give his everything to her even if it meant she would find her happiness with somebody else. Even with Angel. But there was nothing he could change. Even if he wanted it very much.
Spike rarely got what he wanted so it wasn't anything unusual. He had lost every girl he ever loved. He couldn't get Cecily while being alive and even his hundred years long affair with Dru wasn't as magical as he kept telling everybody. It was like he kept loosing and finding her again and again. He lost her every time Angelus decided to play her, every time she had a one night stand (which could last even longer than that), every time she made love to somebody else while fucking him. He could always tell if she really was with him or not. She was a good actress but not that good. And every time it hurt like hell. And even when she came back to him from one of her latest affairs he never knew for how long it was this time.
And then Buffy. She was never really his. He didn't win her, couldn't keep her. So he hadn't really lost her too, right? But it hurt as much.
He wasn't really thinking if it was fair or not anymore. Spike had forgotten that he was a good guy too once. And it still didn't grant him what he craved for. He guessed that for whatever reason he simply wasn't worthy of happiness. He was beneath.
It wasn't about earning happiness he knew. You couldn't undo your past deeds. Even more so – it wasn't about what you did. It was about what you were. And vampires had no soul (at least they weren't supposed to), had no final rest in peace and no redemption. And no Shanshu could change that. He made a big deal of that prophecy wandering in Wolfram and Heart offices only to annoy Angel. And because he still cared for the pounce. And out of his own bitterness he couldn't imagine that Angel could get lucky. Could get to be a real boy. So he just wanted Angel to realize, that there will be no forgiveness. Best they both could get was everlasting death. If they were lucky and there was no eternal darkness with it's weeping and gnashing of teeth. He didn't want Angel to hope. It was another thing that didn't matter anymore. Angel was dust and nothing could change that.
There was no redemption.
No redemption.
No forgiveness.
And no Buffy.
Ever.
**
Review even if you don't like it!!
The next chpter will show us how's Buffy dealing...
THE COLD INSIDE
It was a windy night. And cloudy. Like it has been cloudy for the last four weeks. It was nothing unusual for this time of year on this particular spot of the world. Spike even liked the fierce winter. At least it suited the frozen state his heart was in. And here it didn't really matter if he wanted to go out before or after sunset. There was not much sunshine that could reach dirty white earth. The air was freezing but there was not much snow.
The sea was stormy and that suited Spike's mood too – nothing too light or merry could irritate him. He came here fairly often. The beach soothed his nerves a bit after he killed everything there was to kill.
It was known that clinical depression was kind of national sport among locals. Long and dark winters kept people from looking at the bright side of life like Americans seemed to do. Happiness was more like an inner state of mind not laughing and partying here. Northern type of character they said. Spike liked it. He didn't feel at peace though. More like lethargic.
It was over a year after he had closed the Hellmouth and several months since the final battle in LA. It was ironic really. The only ones who survived were fallen angels - Illyria, the ex-god and himself, champion wannabe. He didn't know why he was still alive. He didn't care. It didn't matter. Nothing much did anymore.
Spike didn't want to go to the motel he was staying in. He spent most of the last two decades indoors hiding from the sun. Now he hung around as much as he could. Not in bars and pubs. More in the open air, on the streets, by the sea bank, anywhere. Aimlessly, no obligations, no one to answer to. Like good old times. Kind of.
Besides he didn't like his room but was too short of currency at the moment for moving. It wasn't really an option to stay in some crypt in the graveyard like he was used to. Firstly there were not much crypts to choose from and secondly... Well, even if temperature did not affect vampires too much it was still rather uncomfortable to live in a room where every surface was covered with ice. Some heating system was necessary.
Basically humans and vamps did need the same things he thought – food, warm, and a good shag or being loved. And like most people, Spike was lack of the last one. Not like it would be difficult for him to get a decent fuck here and there. He just wasn't too interested anymore. Not in it's quality anyway. He even did guys now and then. With girls he felt guilty. Bloody ponce! It was a little too painful because he always ended up with someone who’d remind him of her.
Spike wasn't considering finding Buffy anymore. He had been given time to think about everything that happened between them while he was stuck in Wolfram and Heart. He was kind of content now in knowledge that he would never make her happy. From the moment she said that she loved him he knew – there was nothing to be saved in their relationship. Before that he would have had anything she was willing to give him. He wanted to be her mate, alley, lover and he hoped he was or would eventually become much more. But when she finally said the words he was longing for, he knew that lies were not enough for him anymore. Or for Buffy.
He knew that Buffy herself hated living in a lie. While she fucked him she lied herself about not having feelings for him and loathed herself. Now in the fear of changes she wanted to prolong the convenient relationship with a lie and that would only lead to more self hatred. She doesn't love you, mate. She never will.
Making her happy has been the goal of his unlife for years. But finally it hit him that no one can make anybody happy if they can't be happy themselves. Buffy had to find her own way as Spike did. Or didn't. Didn't matter. Buffy had been his life, his unlife, his everything. And he couldn't make her happy. He had failed her.
He wanted her to be happy even if it would be on his own expense. He got his soul for her, he was willing to (and did in a way) die for her. He would give his everything to her even if it meant she would find her happiness with somebody else. Even with Angel. But there was nothing he could change. Even if he wanted it very much.
Spike rarely got what he wanted so it wasn't anything unusual. He had lost every girl he ever loved. He couldn't get Cecily while being alive and even his hundred years long affair with Dru wasn't as magical as he kept telling everybody. It was like he kept loosing and finding her again and again. He lost her every time Angelus decided to play her, every time she had a one night stand (which could last even longer than that), every time she made love to somebody else while fucking him. He could always tell if she really was with him or not. She was a good actress but not that good. And every time it hurt like hell. And even when she came back to him from one of her latest affairs he never knew for how long it was this time.
And then Buffy. She was never really his. He didn't win her, couldn't keep her. So he hadn't really lost her too, right? But it hurt as much.
He wasn't really thinking if it was fair or not anymore. Spike had forgotten that he was a good guy too once. And it still didn't grant him what he craved for. He guessed that for whatever reason he simply wasn't worthy of happiness. He was beneath.
It wasn't about earning happiness he knew. You couldn't undo your past deeds. Even more so – it wasn't about what you did. It was about what you were. And vampires had no soul (at least they weren't supposed to), had no final rest in peace and no redemption. And no Shanshu could change that. He made a big deal of that prophecy wandering in Wolfram and Heart offices only to annoy Angel. And because he still cared for the pounce. And out of his own bitterness he couldn't imagine that Angel could get lucky. Could get to be a real boy. So he just wanted Angel to realize, that there will be no forgiveness. Best they both could get was everlasting death. If they were lucky and there was no eternal darkness with it's weeping and gnashing of teeth. He didn't want Angel to hope. It was another thing that didn't matter anymore. Angel was dust and nothing could change that.
There was no redemption.
No redemption.
No forgiveness.
And no Buffy.
Ever.
**
Review even if you don't like it!!
The next chpter will show us how's Buffy dealing...