Your bloody fault... is not... is too...

***PLEASE GO TO http://www.litgal.vague-disclaimer.org/ FOR THE EDITED AND CORRECTED COPY***


COMEDY!!!

--Rating---------------------
Explicit Sex with elements of dom/sub
--Pairing(s)-----------------
Spike/Xander
--Feedback----------------------
Craved, needed like air, big old feedback whore here.
--Author's Notes-------------------
The most up do date version of this story is available at http://www.litgal.vague-disclaimer.org/
--Disclaimer-----------------------
Totally don't own these characters. I'm just playing in someone else's sandbox and not making ANY money at all. So, this and all later chapters are written just for fun.


Angel came out of his office at the sound of raised voices, only to find Wesley hovering near Cordelia's desk, stake in hand and facing off against a vampire in the small front room.

"Stay back," Wesley ordered in his best rogue demon-hunter voice, which wasn't actually very good.

"Bloody hell, just get Peaches," the vampire demanded, and even through the vampire's body was largely hidden by the form of Xander Harris, professional Angel hater extraordinaire, Angel knew that voice immediately. Knew and cringed.

"William?" Angel asked, and Spike's head came around the front of Xander as the vampire leaned forward.

"'Bout bloody time, Peaches. You need to soddin' fix this," Spike demanded with a growl while walking around Xander to face off against Angel.

"Fix?" Angel asked. Xander had a look like a kicked puppy with his arms wrapped around his waist and Spike looked nauseous, and Angel had a sudden urge to go back to bed and start the day over again later, like after they had left.

"Yes, bloody fix."

"And what I am supposed to be fixing?" Angel asked.

"Us!" Spike snarled as he waved a hand between Xander and himself. Xander's face took on a sullen expression as he opened his mouth.

"Fix you, you mean. This is your fault," Xander snapped.

"Whoa. Time out. I can't deal with this until I have some coffee and some blood, and not in that order." Ignoring his guests, Angel quickly got himself something to eat and drink. The whole time, Spike and Xander refrained from talking even while they glared at each other until Angel wanted to slap both of them.

"Angel, do you want me to leave?" Wesley whispered as Angel took his blood out of the microwave.

"Oh god no. I'll be outnumbered," Angel said in sudden horror. Wesley smiled his understanding, and when Angel went back to his office, everyone followed. Angel settled himself into his chair and Wesley sat on the edge of his desk while Spike and Xander took the two visitors' chairs and scooted them as far away from each other as possible before sitting.

"I'm sure I'm going to regret this, but one of you needs to tell me what happened," Angel said as he braced himself.

"It's his fault," Xander started, and Angel flinched even though he had expected this.

"Oi, is not."

"Is too."

"Was your friends' soddin' plan."

"Was your 'soddin' teeth."

"Just get to the story!" Angel growled as his hands tightened dangerously on his mug. The idea of Spike's teeth being involved in some sort of trouble made this seem suddenly more serious.

"Fine," Spike growled as he shot Angel a look of death. "Started 'bout three weeks ago.

"Oh, hey, NO!" Xander interrupted. "It started two nights ago."

"He can't bloody help unless he knows what happened you worthless nob."

"He doesn't need to know THAT much. It started two nights ago when a demon started hunting in the clubs and Buffy tracked him back to his demon club, and whoever knew there were demon clubs in Sunnydale what with there being a slayer and all. Well, I guess you being a demon might've known since Spike knew, and Buffy is still not happy about that."

"Oi, you can't tell a story to save your worthless soul, so shut up and let me tell it," Spike demanded

"Me? *I* can't tell a story? Hey, at least I know how to speak English, Blood-Breath."

"I *do* speak English you twit."

"Not good."

"Bloody better than you. I'm from England you ponce, where they invented the language. And at least I bloody know that 'good' in't an adverb OR a noun."

"Hey, is that an insult?"

"If you were smart enough ta figure it out, it would be," Spike smirked. Angel considered stepping in, but really considering the grief these two had put him through he really preferred to watch the floorshow instead.

"At least I can say the words 'isn't' and 'to'," Xander barked back as he scooted his chair so that he was facing Spike.

"At least I can stay the words 'cretin' and 'imbecilic.' Although, with enough trainin' you could probably say the words even if you didn't understand 'em'," Spike shot back, and Angel could hear a small huff of suppressed laughter from Wesley. Spike must have heard as well because he flashed a smile in their general direction even while Xander snapped back.

"Hey! That's not nice. Besides, at least I don't have a leash in my head like some sort of dog."

"No, you're just a soddin' little lapdog all on your own, aren't ya? Taggin' around after Slutty even after she's moved on ta bigger and better than you." Angel could tell from the way Spike ran his tongue inside his lower lip that Spike was enjoying himself, and Angel understood the urge after having been the brunt of many of Xander's barbs himself.

"It's called friendship and loyalty," Xander snarled.

"It's called pathetic and obtuse."

"And again with the unfairness. At least use insults I recognize."

"Oi, and you accuse me of not speakin' English? What the hell language is that, then?"

"Hey, I speak just fine. Fine with the speakage and fine with the friendage, and you're just being like this because you’re a no-bite wonder now with that chip in your head."

"I bit you, didn't I?"

"That was magic, that doesn't count."

"Whoa, wait. You bit him?" Angel interrupted as he held up his hand. He was just as happy to let these two kill themselves without his help, but if Spike was back to biting, he was back on the 'hunt down and kill' list, and as much as Angel didn't want to admit it, he wasn't fond of the idea of hunting down or killing his childer.

"Too bad I can't bloody do it again and finish it right this time," Spike confirmed. Angel ran his hand over his face in confusion, but Xander's fingers automatically went to the side of his neck, and Angel could feel a sudden sinking feeling in his stomach. Pushing himself up, he got around the desk with vampiric speed and pulled Xander to his feel before pushing the boy's head to the side to look for the evidence. Xander's "Hey!" of protest was expected; Spike's possessive growl was definitely not. However, before he stepped back, Angel found what he wanted: an oval-shaped pink scar.

"William, what have you done?" Angel demanded even though he knew full well what had happened. Or at least how things had ended because he really had no idea how they had gotten to that point. And come to think of it, he wasn't really clear on their present behaviors either. Xander crossed his arms over his chest.

"We bloody bonded," Spike snarled unhappily.

Angel sat on the opposite edge of his desk from Wesley and tried to get his mind around the idea of Spike claiming Xander as a bonded human, but no matter how he turned things around in his head, he couldn't quite get this new turn of events to actually fit in his brain. Angelus stirred unhappily for an entirely different set of reasons that Angel wasn't even going to face at this point.

"I can see you're bonded. I'm a little fuzzy on what led up to the bond," Angel said with as much patience as he could muster.

"Keep tryin' ta tell that part, don't I, but lackwit here keeps interrupting," Spike scowled over at Xander who glowered back, and Angel started wondering if anyone would notice if he just sneaked downstairs and left them to kill each other. After all, he could just tell Buffy they had never made it to LA. He was fairly sure Wesley would back him, and if not, he was certain the man was bribable. Angel had a sweet little second century book of transformative spells that would distract the man.

"Start talking," Angel ordered instead.

"Right, 'bout three weeks ago, I came--"

"Oh no you don't Mr. Liar Pants. That part never happened."

"Oi, that's logic for ya. Denial in't the same as a thing not happening, ya ninny."

"We agreed. I'm no on the drinking myself stupid again, you're no on the talking. Or the talking about this at least," Xander corrected himself when Spike's mouth came open.

"Don't need the bloody drink to reach a state of stupidity," Spike muttered, and now Angel could see Spike's frustration rise. Those blue eyes narrowed, and Spike's body leaned forward aggressively

"Start with the demon, or I will stake you right now," Xander threatened, and Angel could hear the borderline panic in the boy's voice.

"Xander, if you stake him, the chances are that bond will kill you," Angel explained. "And Spike, I really don't want to be here all day so skip ahead to the demon and the bond before I lose the last bit of patience I own." Angel felt a headache start pressing in on his temples when both of them started glaring at him. At least it had sidetracked their bickering, though.

"Right, since no one cares 'bout the part that actually started this mess, I'll just skip ahead then," Spike finally agreed sullenly.

"Slutty had gone out on patrol around back of several clubs in town, through the alleys, since people kept showing up without all their body parts still attached. Well, seems that walkin' around doing absolutely nothing wore her out, so she went into one of these places where she spotted a demon. Said it made her skin tingle like a vamp, but it didn't move like a vamp. She chased the thing back to Caabalis and then lost it in the crowd."

"I can't believe you didn't tell her about the whole demon bar thing." Xander interrupted.

"Don't tell her everything, now do I? Could be I should revise that policy, though."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Oi, if you can't figure it out, you're dumber than ya look... which is really downright terrifying considering how ya look."

"Hey, Bleach Boy, I so do not look dumb."

"Right," Spike said unconvincingly.

"Moron," Xander complained before turning to Angel. "He's leaving out the part where he was in Caabalis trying to con some blood out of some demon by selling information, probably information on us. And then, when Buffy walks into the middle of demon central, Mr. Braveheart here goes sneaking out the back leaving Buffy to fend for herself," Xander added, and Angel turned to look in surprise at Spike. Caabalis had never been the type of place Spike had preferred.

"Bloody hell, she's the slayer. If she can't take care of herself without havin' a vamp help her, it's time to bring out the new model."

"You son of a bitch," Xander stood and took one step forward, and Spike stood and vamped out. Angel registered Wesley retreating over his desk even as he stepped between the two of them.

"Enough," he bellowed, and both men stopped.

"I've never killed enough people to deserve this. You, sit," Angel barked at Xander. "You, lose the fangs or I will remind you of how I taught you to control your demon's face," Angel snapped at Spike. For one moment, nothing happened, but then Spike's face ripped back into his human features and he stepped back. Xander dropped into his chair heavily enough that Angel could hear the joints on the chair creak in protest. Angel sent a reproachful look upwards since he just knew this was the Powers' way of making him suffer. If he had to be tortured, why couldn't it be holy water and evisceration?

"Okay, Xander, you try telling the story," Angel tried as he slowly backed up and took a seat on the edge of the desk again.

"Buffy came back with steam coming out her ears after Mr. Turncoat there took one look and ran, and when she described the demon, Giles got out these books that must have been a thousand years old and we had to spend all night looking for something that 'tingled' like a vampire, looked human, and moved like a snake, which really... I have to tell you that I have better things to do with my time." Spike snorted his disbelief and Xander glared over at him. "I do."

"Keep tellin' yourself that," Spike smirked.

"At least I'm not off selling out the people who saved my worthless skin from the Initiative."

"You lot tied me up and let the Indian bloke take shots at me. And *you* voted to stake me."

"Still would," Xander corrected him.

"Oi, it's not me that got staked," Spike pointed out with a sly expression, and Angel's foot, which had been braced on the edge of his trashcan, slipped and sent the metal canister clattering across the room. Some things he just truly did not need to know. And now Xander was turning a violent shade of red that Angel usually associated with having blood on the outside of the body rather than the inside. Oh god. They couldn't. They hadn't.

"The demon," Angel hurriedly interrupted as he considered the trail of crumpled paper now strewn about his office. "It was a Maoria. Did Giles figure that out?" Angel quickly diverted the conversation. Just knowing that at some point Spike and Xander had... No, he really didn't want any more details on that part of the story.

"Yeah," Xander said. "We found this description, and to kill it we needed to find its magical amulet, but that would be around the demon's neck at all times, and the demon was staying in the basement of Caabalis, and when Buffy found out they had a demon bed and breakfast all set up in there, she was all for going and burning the place to the ground, and I have to say, I was on board with the death and destruction plan. Well, at least until Giles pointed out that there were wards and shields."

"So Buffy waits outside for the Maoria," Angel said. As much as he wanted to know how Spike had managed this mess, he wanted this story over even more. There were only just so many surprises he could take in a day.

"Yeah, small problem with that one, mate. Seems like the Maoria had been storin' up livers," Spike added as he flung a leg over the arm of the chair so that he was sprawled obscenely. Angel didn't miss Xander's eyes darting over toward Spike before Xander jerked back and started staring at Angel.

"It's breeding," Wesley nearly whispered.

"Yep," Spike confirmed. "Which meant if Slutty wanted the thing killed, someone had to go inside the Caabalis."

"I told them sending you was a bad idea," Xander said sullenly.

"I told them that makin' you come with me was a worse one, didn't I? If you would've opened your gob about why you've been avoidin' me like some sort of leper, maybe they wouldn't have insisted you come along." Spike's words made Xander's blush return to full color, and Angel was starting to get a very bad feeling about what had been going on in Sunnydale.

"Giles sent the two of you in together?" Angel asked, unable to even imagine why the Watcher would do that.

"It's not like you can trust Spike," Xander pointed out.

"Oi, I'm as trustworthy as the next vamp," Spike protested.

"Which would be not at all," Xander insisted as he looked from Angel to Spike unapologetically. Angel rolled his eyes and got up to walk around the desk and drop into his seat.

"Okay, so I understand why you two would have gone to the club together, but I still haven't heard anything that would make a bond even possible," Angel pointed out.

"Right, we're gettin' there," Spike promised, and Angel had to resist the urge to put his head down and hide.

"Get there faster please," he pleaded. He really, really needed something stronger than coffee if he was going to make it through this conversation.

"If people would stop soddin' interrupting me," Spike sulked, and Xander suddenly stood up.

"I need to... um... ah... go shit," Xander suddenly blurted out, and Angel flinched at the crude comment, but Xander bolted from the room before he could answer.

"I'll just go show him the facilities," Wesley offered as he stood, but Spike stuck a leg out in front of the Watcher to block his way.

"Leave him be. If he wanted your help, he woulda asked for it," Spike said with a flash of yellow in his eye that made Wesley retreat back to the desk.

"Can we just get back to the story before I start seriously considering more effective ways of getting you to talk?" Angel said with narrowed eyes as he thought of the chains in the basement. He watched with satisfaction as Spike shifted uncomfortably at his tone of voice. It was nice to know the boy still remembered a few of his lessons.

"Right then. The plan was that I'd talk us inside and then track down the demon before rippin' its head off. The stuck up Watcher gave me enough money to stay there for a couple of days, and the boy was supposed to tag along to make sure I didn't take the money high-tail it out of town."


~~~~~ "Let's just get through this without talking, okay?"

~~~~~ "Oi, how exactly to you plan to do that, especially since you can't get
~~~~~ through anything without talkin'?"

~~~~~ "I got through school without talking in class... usually," Xander insisted as he
~~~~~ tugged nervously at his shirt. Spike narrowed his eyes and glared as he
~~~~~ watched Xander stretch $60 worth of silk out of shape. Of course, it wasn't like
~~~~~ he actually paid for it. Still, when the boy discover the money missing from
~~~~~ his wallet, it'd be nice if Spike could point to the shirt. The boy was likely to be
~~~~~ a mite bit more peevish if the shirt was ruined before he discovered the $60
~~~~~ missing.

~~~~~ "And just how often were you awake? And stop pullin' at that!"

~~~~~ "The shirt is too small."

~~~~~ "It's the right size, you nit. You're just used to wearing those god-awful
~~~~~ abominations. And no master vampire would let a human servant wear green
~~~~~ and purple flowers." Spike tried to keep his voice down since they were close
~~~~~ enough to Caabalis for someone to overhear.

~~~~~ "I like that shirt."

~~~~~ "You would."

~~~~~ "What's that supposed to mean?" Spike rolled his eyes. At 120 he really
~~~~~ should know better than to get in a battle for wits with an unarmed man.

~~~~~ "Just bloody shut up," Spike snarled as he knocked on the door of Caabalis.
~~~~~ The door flew open and a wide, dull black demon with red eyes stood in
~~~~~ the door frame.

~~~~~ "What?" he demanded.

~~~~~ "Shutting up now," Xander squawked as he moved behind Spike.
~~~~~ Spike couldn't resist a small smirk. Considering how the wanker
~~~~~ had literally kicked his arse out of bed, a little gloating was justified.
~~~~~ The demon cocked his head to the side and looked at them, blinking
~~~~~ rapidly.


"Wait," Angel interrupted, his head throbbing at the thought of that one little sentence buried in the middle of Spike's story. "He kicked you out of bed?" Angel asked incredulously.

"Oi, I bloody know!" Spike answered with a righteous expression. "If anyone has a right to be embarrassed, it's soddin' me. I've fallen low enough ta take up sleeping with the food, which was always your deal, not mine." Spike's words made Angel flinch. He should have known better than to distract Spike and give his childe an opportunity to stick a metaphorical knife in Angel. Hell, Spike never passed up a chance to stick either a metaphorical or a physical knife into Angel.

"Never mind. Don't tell me. Just focus on the club," Angel said as he held up a hand to hold off any further discussion of anyone's sex life. Angel never thought that the day would come when he would say those words to Spike. The universe was truly unfair.

"Prude," Spike tormented him before continuing


~~~~~ "Get Peraed," Spike said. "Need a room and to have a bit of a chat."

~~~~~ "He with you?" the demon asked, and Spike could feel Xander's
~~~~~ body heat as the boy got as close as possible without actually
~~~~~ touching. Hypocrite. Just for kicks, Spike stepped back into
~~~~~ Xander, his arse bumping Xander's hand so that the boy
~~~~~ yelped and backed up, promptly tripping over absolutely
~~~~~ nothing and windmilling his hands as he tried to catch his
~~~~~ balance. Spike reached out and grabbed Xander's wrist before
~~~~~ reeling him in so fast that Xander couldn't stop himself
~~~~~ from practically falling on Spike, his strong, hot body
~~~~~ pressing up against Spike's side. Spike offered the boy a quick
~~~~~ leer, and Xander physically jerked back with an offended "HEY!"

~~~~~ "Yeah, he's mine," Spike answered the demon while keeping
~~~~~ his eyes on Xander. Xander turned a brilliant shade of red
~~~~~ before yanking on his arm. Spike didn't let go so Xander just
~~~~~ sort of flopped without actually freeing himself. The chip gave
~~~~~ little sparkles of warning, but Spike always had liked little pain
~~~~~ with his pleasure.

~~~~~ "Hey, enough with the handleage. No handling allowed. No
~~~~~ hands allowed," Xander hissed. At least the boy had sense
~~~~~ enough to say it soft enough that the demon didn't hear
~~~~~ as he turned his back.

~~~~~ "Run home, Xander; you don't have the knackers to play
~~~~~ with the big boys," Spike suggested, and he could instantly
~~~~~ tell from the body language that Xander wasn't about to back
~~~~~ down. Spike flashed on an image: the Xander vamped and
~~~~~ mouthing back at Darla. Spike just knew that Xander would
~~~~~ be ballsy enough and stupid enough to do it.

"Damn it, Spike," Angel interrupted at that point. "I could do with a lot less of your fantasy life and a lot more of telling me what the hell happened."

"Bloody hell, Peaches, you have no sense of the dramatics do you?"

"What I have is a sense of frustration. What you're about to have is the sense of pain. Get on with the story."

"You speak the Queen's English about as good as the boy. Think you hung out with the cheerleader too long, mate."

"Spike!" Angel growled.

"I think I may just go try and find that Scotch that Cordelia keeps trying to hide from us," Wesley offered. Angel couldn’t' decide what he appreciated more: the possibility of alcohol to dull the edge of the universe's largest headache or the possibility of having enough privacy to actually beat his childe into submission. Maybe Spike sense to the changing mood. Not that fear of a beating had ever stopped Spike in the past.

"Where was I then?"

"You were telling Xander to go home and you were *not* commenting on Darla or on having thoughts of turning Xander. Understand?"

"Oi, it's not like you're subtle, Peaches. So, I told the boy to go home."

~~~~~ "Run home, Xander; you don't have the knackers to play with
~~~~~ the big boys."

~~~~~ "Right, and then you take all Giles' money and run."

~~~~~ "Oi, *all* Giles money amounts to a few hundred. Hardly
~~~~~ enough to go live big on some desert island."

~~~~~ "What? Why would you want to go to a desert island?"

~~~~~ "I wouldn't..." Spike could feel his frustration rise. As much
~~~~~ as the annoying little git didn't want him around, he didn't
~~~~~ want to be around Xander either. "Just soddin' go home!"

~~~~~ "No," Xander replied as he crossed his arms. He was
~~~~~ probably trying to look defiant, but Spike thought he
~~~~~ looked more like a petulant child. He considered saying
~~~~~ as much, but he really didn't want to have to explain the
~~~~~ word petulant.

~~~~~ "Fine, but keep your bloody trap shut unless you want to
~~~~~ get us killed."

~~~~~ "Hey, if anyone gets us killed it's going to be you! You're
~~~~~ the one that went in got an organ dropped on you."

~~~~~ "Have I mentioned that I read your diary? You almost got
~~~~~ bloody eaten by a teacher, and then there was that little
~~~~~ incident with the hyena. Seems like you're the one who's
~~~~~ for champion at getting himself in trouble here, mate."

~~~~~ At that point the doorman returned and waved a huge
~~~~~ awkward paw toward the dark interior of the club. Xander
~~~~~ might have been stupid enough to bait a vampire and fall
~~~~~ for a demon and get accidentally taken over by a primal,
~~~~~ but at least he had the good sense to shut up when faced
~~~~~ with an eight-foot demon who did *not* like humans. Spike
~~~~~ walked by the guard and strode down the familiar hallway,
~~~~~ listening to Xander's footsteps in Xander's wildly beating
~~~~~ heart fallen behind.


"My heart was not beating wildly. My heart was beating normal. Lots of normal. Besides what would you know about a normally beating heart. Hate to point this out, but your heart doesn't beat. To you, one beat a minute is wildly beating," came a string of babble from the doorway. Angel rolled his eyes. Spike wasn't getting anywhere fast, but at least he was getting there. Now Angel was faced with the prospect of more pointless bickering.

Luckily Wesley stood behind Xander, a bottle of scotch in one hand and some plastic cups and the other.

"Bloody hell, yes!" Spike said as he spotted the alcohol.

"Don't," Angel insisted as he saw Wesley hesitate. One slip now and Spike was going to drink the whole damn bottle before anyone else got any. Rather than let that happen, Angel stepped forward and grabbed the bottle. With one twist, he had the top open. Wesley offered a plastic glass, and Angel didn't waste any time in pouring himself a large drink. Lord knows he'd earned it.

"Look, you can't believe a word Spike says," Xander said as he glared down. Spike leaned back in his chair and sent a bitter glare back. Angel tried to ignore the subtext of Xander standing close to Spike's chair and Spike's hand resting near his own groin. Oh yeah, things were not looking good. Angel drank the entire glass of Scotch in one gulp and poured a second as Xander picked up the story.

"We went there, Spike did a lot of really embarrassing things, the owner of the club and Spike kept sneaking off to talk about business, we found the demon, Spike twisted its head off like an overgrown pimple… and can I say that from the ookie stuff that came out of the neck, the image of the pimple is really appropriate here, and then things got a little complicated."

Angel looked at Xander in amazement not only because of the sheer number of words he managed to get out on one breath but also because the sentence had actually made sense. He was just going to try really, really hard to not think about "embarrassing things," and he would deal with Spike's "business" with Peraed later. Right now he really all he wanted to no one answer. How the hell had these two ever managed to bond without killing each other first?


"Please, just pick up at the 'complications'," Angel asked before drinking a third glass of scotch. At that point, Wesley reached over and pulled the bottle from Angel's hand. Angel opened his mouth to protest.

"Angel, the last thing we need is you getting drunk and reverting to some of your more anti-social behaviors," Wesley pointed out with a sigh, but Angel didn't miss the way the ex-watcher poured himself a drink before closing the bottle.

"Oi, the ponce can be a hell of a lot of fun when he's piss-drunk and bein' antisocial. Before he went and got a soul he made quite the horny drunk," Spike leered, and Xander made a small chirping sound as he pushed his chair back and, Angel noticed, closer to Spike.

"Oh no. No drunk vampires. Absolutely no drunk vampires. Bad things happen when vampires drink!" Now Xander turned to glare as Spike, and Angel looked longingly toward the scotch that Wesley had put down on the far side of the desk.

"Perhaps one of you should pick up the story from the 'complications'," Wesley suggested as he moved the bottle a bit farther away. Angel waited in horror for the bickering to start, but both men sat silent. When he looked at them, Spike had an expression that could almost pass for guilt, and Xander was nearly glowing red.

"Well, um, these demon-things, and boy were there a lot of demon things in there, but these demon things in the hall kinda caught us right outside the one demon's lair, you know, the demon we'd just killed, and Chips-for-Brains didn't have any sort of explanation or escape plan," Xander blurted.

"Bloody hell, someone needs to buy you a thesaurus," Spike complained softly. "But I'd have been fine if you weren't there," he added with a good deal more venom and a baleful glare.

"Nice, blame me for the lack of brainage. I mean, YOUR lack of brainage because my brain is just fine."

"You're the reason that lot got suspicious. Don't help havin' one of the slayer's minions hanging tagging after me."

"Who knew anyone would recognize me? And HEY, I was not tagging."

"The whole lot of you has brain damage. You've been bloody fightin' with the slayer for four years. Faced down Peaches when he was feeling soul-less. Why the hell wouldn't demons recognize you, ya balmy little nit?"

"Hey!"

"I swear—" Spike stopped in the middle of his sentence, nearly strangling on his own words. Angel sat on his desk with the empty cup in his hand.

"Enough of this," Angel barked as Xander took a breath to continue the attack. "So, you're outside the Maoria's room and some demon or demons stop you. Take it from there," Angel ordered Spike.


~~~~~ "Um, Spike," Xander whispered.

~~~~~ "Not now," Spike snarled. Bloody hell, he'd almost had the lock
~~~~~ reset and now he sighed as he pulled the pick out and had to
~~~~~ start over.

~~~~~ "Really, Spike, now would be good. Now would be very good.
~~~~~ Very, very good." Xander sounded even less coherent than
~~~~~ usual, so Spike spared a glance. Right. No use buggering
~~~~~ the lock when Peraed's goons were standing there watching.
~~~~~ Spike gave his best smile as he leaned back against the door.
~~~~~ Xander scooted closer to him when one of the Deevak demons
~~~~~ stepped forward.

~~~~~ "What are you doing?" it demanded in a rough voice.

~~~~~ "Thought that was bloody obvious. I'm trying to get into this
~~~~~ room. Got some unfinished business with the Maoria in here,"
~~~~~ Spike bluffed. He didn't really think the bluff would last long,
~~~~~ but all he had to do was get them out before the guards called
~~~~~ Peraed.

~~~~~ "You come with us," the second guard ordered. Right, there went
~~~~~ that plan then, Spike thought as he nodded.

~~~~~ "Not a problem, mate." Unfortunately, Xander was not quite as
~~~~~ keen on the plan. When a nudge didn't work, Spike grabbed
~~~~~ Xander with one hand on an arm and the other at the human's back.

~~~~~ "Oh, shit," Xander whispered nearly inaudibly. Great, not only would
~~~~~ he never make it to the front door with the twit in tow, but now the
~~~~~ git went acting all guilty.

"We were guilty, and you don't have to spend so much time making it sound like I was peeing my pants in terror," Xander complained as he crossed his arms over his chest defensively.

"Only tellin' the truth, pet. 'Sides, you didn't pee your pants, so chalk one up for the white knight."

"Just skip ahead to the part with Peraed," Xander said as he glared.

"Please," Angel added. He was on the verge of actually getting somewhere and he really didn't want anything stopping them this close to what sounded like it might be an answer.


~~~~~ "So I have to ask myself why you're still here, Master Spike.
~~~~~ Our business was finished last night. You have your money, I
~~~~~ have my trinkets," Peraed gestured toward a number of gold
~~~~~ and jeweled items displayed in a case. "And yet, you manage
~~~~~ to be found trying to break *into* a room where one of my clients
~~~~~ just happens to be lying decapitated on the floor.

~~~~~ "That’s between me and the Maoria."

~~~~~ "Obviously not. You killed her in my establishment. Do you have
~~~~~ any idea how much damage Maoria guts do to carpeting?"

~~~~~ Xander offered an "Ewwww" at the same time that Spike spoke.
~~~~~ "Fine, tell me how much for the carpeting."

~~~~~ "And then there is the matter of your young human," Peraed
~~~~~ said, and Spike was glad that the desk separated Xander from
~~~~~ the bastard… just because he didn't want to get staked for letting
~~~~~ the boy die.

Spike's slip caused Angel to look at Spike with a single raised eyebrow, and Spike took enough time away from his story to flip a two-fingered salute. Angel rolled his eyes. If any two people in the universe deserved each other, it was these two.

~~~~~ "He's not any of your business," Spike growled.

~~~~~ "Several clients have informed me that he belongs to the
~~~~~ slayer." At Peraed's words, Xander's heart started pounding
~~~~~ furiously.

~~~~~ "He may spend time with her on my orders, but he's mine."

~~~~~ "How interesting. You claim to be using your infirmity to get
~~~~~ close the slayer as part of some great scheme. You claim to
~~~~~ own a human who has fought beside the slayer against your
~~~~~ own sire. You claim to have found other buyers for the trinkets
~~~~~ you know I covet." Peraed stood and walked over to the
~~~~~ glassed in case where he gazed at the ancient items. "Why
~~~~~ do I think you are lying?"

~~~~~ "Because his mouth is open?" Xander barely whispered,
~~~~~ and Spike reached over and pinched the boy hard enough to
~~~~~ make his own brain ache as the chip went off. Xander stuck
~~~~~ out his tongue in response as he rubbed his sore arm.

~~~~~ "Don't care what you believe. Can find other buyers and spend
~~~~~ my time in other establishments," Spike said as he stood, and
~~~~~ the door to the office immediately opened revealing the two
~~~~~ Deevak guards standing there.

~~~~~ "Oh, but I am concerned about my own reputation. So, you
~~~~~ will prove to my other clients that I have not allowed a serpent
~~~~~ into our little garden."

~~~~~ "And how the bloody hell am I supposed to do that?" Spike
~~~~~ demanded as he eyed the guards. Two Deevak demons on
~~~~~ his own was tough, but he could do it if he could just run the
~~~~~ minute they were down. Bloody slow buggers to get back up
~~~~~ after a hit. Of course, it took quite a hit to put them down
~~~~~ in the first place. He could never get to the door without
~~~~~ Xander being torn to bloody shreds.

~~~~~ "Simple," Peraed offered. "You will take the boy in a bonding
~~~~~ ceremony tonight. As soon as you have proved that the others'
~~~~~ concerns are baseless, you and your pet are free to go. Until
~~~~~ then, you may use our finest suite to prepare for the ceremony."
~~~~~ Peraed's words made the world turn yellow as Spike slipped into
~~~~~ game face. Soddin' hell, no way the boy would go for that, and
~~~~~ then the boy wouldn't be the only one in bloody shreds.

~~~~~ "Spike?" Xander asked from his chair. "Tell me this isn't as
~~~~~ bad as he's making it sound because right now I'm nearing
~~~~~ freak-out territory. Massive freak outage."

~~~~~ "We'll talk in the room. It's somethin' I never told ya about
~~~~~ because it means the slayer'll know you're mine. No more spyin'
~~~~~ on her for me if we do this," Spike lied as he put a hand on
~~~~~ Xander's shoulder. He noticed the boy didn't jerk away for once.

~~~~~ "Fact is, I don't like you dictating to me. He's mine and as
~~~~~ long as I need to spy—"

~~~~~ "Master Spike," Peraed interrupted with hands upheld in a
~~~~~ gesture of surrender. "I would normally never get involved,
~~~~~ but there are quite a few demons here convinced you are
~~~~~ working for the slayer as your sire did before you. Either you
~~~~~ claim him, or we will simply assume you have turned against
~~~~~ your own kind."

~~~~~ "Bloody—. Fine, I'll claim him," Spike growled darkly as the
~~~~~ two guards came into the room. He put a hand under Xander's
~~~~~ arm and pulled him upright before storming into the hall with
~~~~~ one guard in front and one behind. This was the last bloody
~~~~~ time he ever did a favor for the slayer. Not that she'd be
~~~~~ asking for favors after she found out what he'd done to Xander
~~~~~ to make a bond. If he could make a bond. If the git didn't
~~~~~ fight and get them both killed. Some days he hated his
~~~~~ bloody unlife.