A Debt Repaid
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-Buffy the Vampire Slayer › Slash - Male/Male › Spike(William)/Xander
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Adult +
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1
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Category:
-Buffy the Vampire Slayer › Slash - Male/Male › Spike(William)/Xander
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
1
Views:
1,216
Reviews:
2
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer (BtVS), nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
A Debt Repaid
Title: A Debt Repaid 1/2
Rating: PG for this chapter
Pairing: X/S, X/A
Author: Mightbeme
Feedback: ple please,
Email: Lee_Michelle_t@hotmail.com
Summary: Andrew helps Xander deal with his losses
Disclaimer: Not mine, don’t own them (pout) they belong to Joss etc
Notes: Thanks muchly to the wonderful Michelle for doing the Beta and to Sofy for the encouragement. This fic is for my friends Meg and Amy, love you both.
A Debt Repaid
One dusty backpack. That was all Andrew had salvaged from the ruins of Sunnydale, and deep inside the battered depths was something he owed Xander. He clutched it to his chest, crumpling the already creased pack awkwardly, wrestling with his conscience. Not wanting to inflict pain on the dejected man sitting a few seats away.
His glance skated over to Xander’s form, slumped in the back seat of the bus, staring sightlessly out the smudged back window. Behind them the large crater that had formerly been the Hellmouth smouldered ominously. Dust and ash still drifted down from the clouds, a testament to the free will and sacrifice of one souled vampire. Because of this the earth wept, hurling its fury into the atmosphere. The grey, eerily silent backdrop that was the world outside the yellow bus, didn’t seem entirely real.
Andrew’s hand pressed over the surface of the pack, feeling the protruding lump of his burden under the stiff material. Indecision gnawing at his guts, he see sawed between his recently acquired sense of doing the right thing and his unwillingness to cause pain. But seeing the despair etched on Xander’s face was what made him get up out of his seat. Passing the potentials, renewed hope shining on their young faces, he picked his way to the lone occupant of the back seat. Xander didn’t even register his presence; his dark shaggy head leant against the corner of the window, his one good eye fixed firmly on the road behind them. Andrew shuffled his feet, wanting to leave, to go back to his seat and wait for the bus to grind to a halt, do anything but intrude on Xander’s sorrow.
“Xander”
No response, Andrew clutched the backpack tighter and reached out with his free hand towards Xander’s shoulder. The way the older man immediately flinched away from the touch hurt Andrew, but this was only a pinprick compared to the pain that flared when Xander swung his head around. The black patch covering his empty socket only enforcing the blankness etched on the pain weary face, his one good eye staring sightlessly. It was almost more than Andrew could bear, the emptiness he saw there, the complete lack of hope. Xander’s losses had damaged him beyond repair, everything that made him who he was seemed to have drained away leaving this pitiful shell behind.
Softer now, Andrew tried again, anguish causing his voice to border on a whine. Pleading seemed such a hard thing to do when one word was all he could manage to push past lips so dry he could barely whisper.
“Xander”
Focus, Xander’s pupil sharpened as he pulled back from wherever his heart and mind had taken him. A shuddering intake of breath closely followed by the painful awareness of where he was, the weary struggle to straighten himself into a sitting position. Andrew crouched down, bringing his face to Xander’s level, unconsciously trying to ease his friend’s distress.
“Xan, I’m sorry, I didn’t want to disturb you, but then I didn’t think this could wait any longer. And I know you just want to be alone, but I think that this could help.”
The barest twitch of his lips, and Andrew knows that Xander hasn’t understood a word he’s said.
“Drew? Slow down, cease with the babble, I’m not feeling up to it right now, you know”
Closed look then, his pupil losing the focus he’s had for just a second. He turns his face away, looking out out the window and Andrew knows he’s gonna slip back into silence if he doesn’t speak now.
“Xander” hand tugging on a ragged sleeve and Xander turns back, blank look not quite in place.
“Its important, he gave it to me, its meant to be for you” Andrew pushes the backpack into Xander’s lap, watching pain replace the blankness in the dark eye.
“He said” faltering under the palpable scream of agony he can feel welling in the man next to him. “He said it was all he could give you, something you needed, something to help you live.”
White knuckles grip the dusty pack, and Xander swallows grimly, and Andrew can see its cause if he doesn’t he’s gonna hurl. His small hand covers Xander’s, squeezing the tense flesh in silent sympathy. He can’t think of anything else to say, nothing that could help anyway. His heart aches and he can only blink away the tears and leave Xander with his pain. As Andrew retreats, Xander feels his air being sucked away and he struggles to hold his emotions in. The losses of the day crashing around him, and he reaches for the blankness, the nothing and safety.
By the time the bus grinds to a halt its dark. The blinking neon light of the cheap hotel Giles has found plays over the silent figure in the back seat. Andrew watches as everyone else gets off the bus, before he too prepares to leave.
“Stay”
The single word hangs in the air, and Andrew turns to stare at Xander. The dark head is still turned away and the backpack is still clutched in his lap. But the plea in his voice has Andrew instinctively moving to Xander’s side.
“You know what this is?”
Xander swings his legs off the seat and nods at Andrew to sit. Nervously the younger man perches on the vinyl, his eyes flicking between the backpack and Xander’s face. It’s hard to find his voice, but after a while he does.
“Yeah”
“Stay with me?” It’s a request Andrew cant walk away from, he knows Xander will need someone to hold and he’s already made a promise to be the one. Calloused hands fumble with the backpack’s zip, but eventually its undone. Andrew knows Xander’s holding his breath cause he is too. The video camera isn’t very big and though he now holds it in the of of his hand Xander’s looking at it like its about to bite him. He exhales and Andrew breathes again, watches as Xander squints and finds the power switch. Light flares as the screen powers up, images forming in the viewer. Andrew reaches over and hits the playback switch, holding his breath again as Spike appears on the small screen.
“Oh god”
The words are breathed out on a sob and one hand flails for Andrews. Its found and clasped in a harsh grip as the sound starts and silence falls over the two men in the bus.
“Love, I know you can hear me, never was one for gadgets and stuff but if this bloody thing works it’ll be worth it.”
Spike shoves his hands into his duster. He’s sitting on the cot in Buffy’s basement, leaning back against the wall.
“It’ll work Spike, I can see you in the viewer so this will work trust me.”
Andrew hears his own voice and shivers in remembrance. He hadn’t known what Spike had wanted until he’d sat through it, and now he had to endure it again. This time it was that much worse, before he could only imagine Xander’s pain, now he had to watch it unfold.
“Ta Pet. Now shut up”
Spike takes his hands from his pockets and leans forward away from the wall, staring directly into the lens. His blonde hair is mussed and the crooked smile he wears doesn’t quite reach his eyes.
“Xan love. God I knew what I wanted to say a minute ago. Christ, it would be so much easier if you were here but Buffy sent you away so this is just the way it has to be.”
He drops his head for a moment, taking another unnecessary breath before looking back up.
“Right, you know I love you don’t you. I know I never told you as much as I should have but….” Blink
“Never in my life has anyone touched me the way you have. I spent over a hundred years loving the wrong way, and only a few months doing it right. Nothing I have ever done, no one I’ve ever been with holds a candle to you love.”
He pauses and now Xander can see the love shining in those sky blue eyes. “You’re the only one who made this existence worth living, I know I’m a better man because I’ve known you.”
“I’m gonna die love.” pause again, and a glimmer of light glints off the medallion Spike wears around his neck, but Xander can only just register that fact. “And nothing you can do or say is gonna change that fact. Don’t matter. I’d give my life in a heartbeat if it means you have a chance to live.”
Spike smiles into the camera, the smile that only Xander has seen before. The one that’s normally reserved for after sex, when they rest in each others arms, worn out from shagging. Xander chokes on a sob, his hand squeezing painfully hard around Andrew’s fingers. Spike’s words are stabbing into him like so many knives in his heart.
“You deserve to live Xan, you deserve more than I could ever give you. And one day your gonna be able to love again, and I want you to do just that. Don’t lock your heart away, cause in the long run that’ll only cause you more pain.”
Tears run in tracks down Xander’s cheek, and he dashes them away with the ragged sleeve while Andrew juggles to hold the camera still.
“I’ve never met a more generous man, its one of the reasons I love you. Well that and your guts, you’re a fighter love. You never give up. Remember that never give up. I know you’ll want to, I know you’ve lost a lot, and after tomorrow you’ll probably lose more than me, but I want you to live.” Spike eyes are begging now, and Xander starts to hiccup these heart wrenching little sobs, making Andrew swallow against his own need to bawl. “ I want you to live and I want you to love again. I want you to have all the good things you deserve. Someone who loves you, someone you can walk in the sun with and shag all night. Someone you can raise a family with, cause I know how much you’d love to have kids. Don’t have to be with a girl to have a family these days. Just please pet, let someone else into your heart.”
Spike glances away for a moment, and when he looks back he’s not focused on the camera. Andrew shivers, remembering the moment Spike’s eyes had fixed on him in the basement.
“Andrew here, will help you through it, wont you mate” The camera wobbles slightly and Andrew hears his own voice echoing from the tape.
“Umm if Xander needs help, you can count on me, I’ll do it.”
“Ta mate, I appreciate it.”
Xander snorts softly, and Andrew thinks its cause he’s about as much help as C3po would be if he was here.
“Anyway love, I wont be far from you. I know I’ll live on in your heart in your mind, I’ll stay with you for all of time.”
“Cool, the Calling, I love that song, it’s so romantic”
Spike arches that scarred eyebrow and Andrew’s babbling off camera ceases abruptly. Suddenly he smiles and settles himself back on the cot, leaning against the walls with his knees drawn up. Softly he starts to sing, just a whisper of sound at first, but Xander can hear the emotion in his voice loud and clear.
So lately, I've been wonderin, who will be there to take my place.
When I'm gone, you'll need love to light the shadows on your face
If a great wave should fall, it would fall upon us all
And between the sand and stone, could you make it on your own
If I could, then I would, I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low, I'll go wherever you will go
And maybe, I'll find out the way to make it back someday
To watch you, to guide you through the darkest of your days
If a great wave should fall it would fall upon us all
Well I hope there's someone out there
Who can bring me back to you
If I could, then I would, I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low, I'll go wherever you will go
Runaway with my heart
Runaway with my hope
Runaway with my love
I know now, just quite how my life and love might still go on
In your heart and your mind I'll stay with you for all of time
If I could, then I would, I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low, I'll go wherever you will go
If I could turn back time I'll go wherever you will go
If I could make you mine I'll go wherever you will go
Spike’s voice drops to a bare murmur, and Xander’s sobs threaten to drown out the sound of the tape. Andrew’s struggling to hold the camera and to comfort his distraught friend. Wet drops fall onto his leg as he cradles the larger man against his chest. Through the noise they can barely hear the last words Spike utters.
“That’s it then, last call, time to hit the road.” The blonde vampire squares his shoulders looking up at someone off camera. He nods and turns back to stare into the camera lens.
“Times up love. Remember me in your heart, cos that’s where I’ll always be”
Glints of tears shimmer in those blue eyes but before they can become any more than mere glimmers Spike stands.
“Right. I’m counting on you Drew, be there for him, or I swear I’ll come back and haunt your sorry arse.”
Its an empty threat, even Andrew knew that when Spike said it the first time. Now hearing it on tape, it still affects him, that Spike loves Xander enough to make sure he’s cared for. Real love is sacrifice, and the blonde already did that, gave his life, and his love to free the world. The least Andrew can do is respect his wishes, cause without love what is there to live for.
tbc
Rating: PG for this chapter
Pairing: X/S, X/A
Author: Mightbeme
Feedback: ple please,
Email: Lee_Michelle_t@hotmail.com
Summary: Andrew helps Xander deal with his losses
Disclaimer: Not mine, don’t own them (pout) they belong to Joss etc
Notes: Thanks muchly to the wonderful Michelle for doing the Beta and to Sofy for the encouragement. This fic is for my friends Meg and Amy, love you both.
A Debt Repaid
One dusty backpack. That was all Andrew had salvaged from the ruins of Sunnydale, and deep inside the battered depths was something he owed Xander. He clutched it to his chest, crumpling the already creased pack awkwardly, wrestling with his conscience. Not wanting to inflict pain on the dejected man sitting a few seats away.
His glance skated over to Xander’s form, slumped in the back seat of the bus, staring sightlessly out the smudged back window. Behind them the large crater that had formerly been the Hellmouth smouldered ominously. Dust and ash still drifted down from the clouds, a testament to the free will and sacrifice of one souled vampire. Because of this the earth wept, hurling its fury into the atmosphere. The grey, eerily silent backdrop that was the world outside the yellow bus, didn’t seem entirely real.
Andrew’s hand pressed over the surface of the pack, feeling the protruding lump of his burden under the stiff material. Indecision gnawing at his guts, he see sawed between his recently acquired sense of doing the right thing and his unwillingness to cause pain. But seeing the despair etched on Xander’s face was what made him get up out of his seat. Passing the potentials, renewed hope shining on their young faces, he picked his way to the lone occupant of the back seat. Xander didn’t even register his presence; his dark shaggy head leant against the corner of the window, his one good eye fixed firmly on the road behind them. Andrew shuffled his feet, wanting to leave, to go back to his seat and wait for the bus to grind to a halt, do anything but intrude on Xander’s sorrow.
“Xander”
No response, Andrew clutched the backpack tighter and reached out with his free hand towards Xander’s shoulder. The way the older man immediately flinched away from the touch hurt Andrew, but this was only a pinprick compared to the pain that flared when Xander swung his head around. The black patch covering his empty socket only enforcing the blankness etched on the pain weary face, his one good eye staring sightlessly. It was almost more than Andrew could bear, the emptiness he saw there, the complete lack of hope. Xander’s losses had damaged him beyond repair, everything that made him who he was seemed to have drained away leaving this pitiful shell behind.
Softer now, Andrew tried again, anguish causing his voice to border on a whine. Pleading seemed such a hard thing to do when one word was all he could manage to push past lips so dry he could barely whisper.
“Xander”
Focus, Xander’s pupil sharpened as he pulled back from wherever his heart and mind had taken him. A shuddering intake of breath closely followed by the painful awareness of where he was, the weary struggle to straighten himself into a sitting position. Andrew crouched down, bringing his face to Xander’s level, unconsciously trying to ease his friend’s distress.
“Xan, I’m sorry, I didn’t want to disturb you, but then I didn’t think this could wait any longer. And I know you just want to be alone, but I think that this could help.”
The barest twitch of his lips, and Andrew knows that Xander hasn’t understood a word he’s said.
“Drew? Slow down, cease with the babble, I’m not feeling up to it right now, you know”
Closed look then, his pupil losing the focus he’s had for just a second. He turns his face away, looking out out the window and Andrew knows he’s gonna slip back into silence if he doesn’t speak now.
“Xander” hand tugging on a ragged sleeve and Xander turns back, blank look not quite in place.
“Its important, he gave it to me, its meant to be for you” Andrew pushes the backpack into Xander’s lap, watching pain replace the blankness in the dark eye.
“He said” faltering under the palpable scream of agony he can feel welling in the man next to him. “He said it was all he could give you, something you needed, something to help you live.”
White knuckles grip the dusty pack, and Xander swallows grimly, and Andrew can see its cause if he doesn’t he’s gonna hurl. His small hand covers Xander’s, squeezing the tense flesh in silent sympathy. He can’t think of anything else to say, nothing that could help anyway. His heart aches and he can only blink away the tears and leave Xander with his pain. As Andrew retreats, Xander feels his air being sucked away and he struggles to hold his emotions in. The losses of the day crashing around him, and he reaches for the blankness, the nothing and safety.
By the time the bus grinds to a halt its dark. The blinking neon light of the cheap hotel Giles has found plays over the silent figure in the back seat. Andrew watches as everyone else gets off the bus, before he too prepares to leave.
“Stay”
The single word hangs in the air, and Andrew turns to stare at Xander. The dark head is still turned away and the backpack is still clutched in his lap. But the plea in his voice has Andrew instinctively moving to Xander’s side.
“You know what this is?”
Xander swings his legs off the seat and nods at Andrew to sit. Nervously the younger man perches on the vinyl, his eyes flicking between the backpack and Xander’s face. It’s hard to find his voice, but after a while he does.
“Yeah”
“Stay with me?” It’s a request Andrew cant walk away from, he knows Xander will need someone to hold and he’s already made a promise to be the one. Calloused hands fumble with the backpack’s zip, but eventually its undone. Andrew knows Xander’s holding his breath cause he is too. The video camera isn’t very big and though he now holds it in the of of his hand Xander’s looking at it like its about to bite him. He exhales and Andrew breathes again, watches as Xander squints and finds the power switch. Light flares as the screen powers up, images forming in the viewer. Andrew reaches over and hits the playback switch, holding his breath again as Spike appears on the small screen.
“Oh god”
The words are breathed out on a sob and one hand flails for Andrews. Its found and clasped in a harsh grip as the sound starts and silence falls over the two men in the bus.
“Love, I know you can hear me, never was one for gadgets and stuff but if this bloody thing works it’ll be worth it.”
Spike shoves his hands into his duster. He’s sitting on the cot in Buffy’s basement, leaning back against the wall.
“It’ll work Spike, I can see you in the viewer so this will work trust me.”
Andrew hears his own voice and shivers in remembrance. He hadn’t known what Spike had wanted until he’d sat through it, and now he had to endure it again. This time it was that much worse, before he could only imagine Xander’s pain, now he had to watch it unfold.
“Ta Pet. Now shut up”
Spike takes his hands from his pockets and leans forward away from the wall, staring directly into the lens. His blonde hair is mussed and the crooked smile he wears doesn’t quite reach his eyes.
“Xan love. God I knew what I wanted to say a minute ago. Christ, it would be so much easier if you were here but Buffy sent you away so this is just the way it has to be.”
He drops his head for a moment, taking another unnecessary breath before looking back up.
“Right, you know I love you don’t you. I know I never told you as much as I should have but….” Blink
“Never in my life has anyone touched me the way you have. I spent over a hundred years loving the wrong way, and only a few months doing it right. Nothing I have ever done, no one I’ve ever been with holds a candle to you love.”
He pauses and now Xander can see the love shining in those sky blue eyes. “You’re the only one who made this existence worth living, I know I’m a better man because I’ve known you.”
“I’m gonna die love.” pause again, and a glimmer of light glints off the medallion Spike wears around his neck, but Xander can only just register that fact. “And nothing you can do or say is gonna change that fact. Don’t matter. I’d give my life in a heartbeat if it means you have a chance to live.”
Spike smiles into the camera, the smile that only Xander has seen before. The one that’s normally reserved for after sex, when they rest in each others arms, worn out from shagging. Xander chokes on a sob, his hand squeezing painfully hard around Andrew’s fingers. Spike’s words are stabbing into him like so many knives in his heart.
“You deserve to live Xan, you deserve more than I could ever give you. And one day your gonna be able to love again, and I want you to do just that. Don’t lock your heart away, cause in the long run that’ll only cause you more pain.”
Tears run in tracks down Xander’s cheek, and he dashes them away with the ragged sleeve while Andrew juggles to hold the camera still.
“I’ve never met a more generous man, its one of the reasons I love you. Well that and your guts, you’re a fighter love. You never give up. Remember that never give up. I know you’ll want to, I know you’ve lost a lot, and after tomorrow you’ll probably lose more than me, but I want you to live.” Spike eyes are begging now, and Xander starts to hiccup these heart wrenching little sobs, making Andrew swallow against his own need to bawl. “ I want you to live and I want you to love again. I want you to have all the good things you deserve. Someone who loves you, someone you can walk in the sun with and shag all night. Someone you can raise a family with, cause I know how much you’d love to have kids. Don’t have to be with a girl to have a family these days. Just please pet, let someone else into your heart.”
Spike glances away for a moment, and when he looks back he’s not focused on the camera. Andrew shivers, remembering the moment Spike’s eyes had fixed on him in the basement.
“Andrew here, will help you through it, wont you mate” The camera wobbles slightly and Andrew hears his own voice echoing from the tape.
“Umm if Xander needs help, you can count on me, I’ll do it.”
“Ta mate, I appreciate it.”
Xander snorts softly, and Andrew thinks its cause he’s about as much help as C3po would be if he was here.
“Anyway love, I wont be far from you. I know I’ll live on in your heart in your mind, I’ll stay with you for all of time.”
“Cool, the Calling, I love that song, it’s so romantic”
Spike arches that scarred eyebrow and Andrew’s babbling off camera ceases abruptly. Suddenly he smiles and settles himself back on the cot, leaning against the walls with his knees drawn up. Softly he starts to sing, just a whisper of sound at first, but Xander can hear the emotion in his voice loud and clear.
So lately, I've been wonderin, who will be there to take my place.
When I'm gone, you'll need love to light the shadows on your face
If a great wave should fall, it would fall upon us all
And between the sand and stone, could you make it on your own
If I could, then I would, I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low, I'll go wherever you will go
And maybe, I'll find out the way to make it back someday
To watch you, to guide you through the darkest of your days
If a great wave should fall it would fall upon us all
Well I hope there's someone out there
Who can bring me back to you
If I could, then I would, I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low, I'll go wherever you will go
Runaway with my heart
Runaway with my hope
Runaway with my love
I know now, just quite how my life and love might still go on
In your heart and your mind I'll stay with you for all of time
If I could, then I would, I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low, I'll go wherever you will go
If I could turn back time I'll go wherever you will go
If I could make you mine I'll go wherever you will go
Spike’s voice drops to a bare murmur, and Xander’s sobs threaten to drown out the sound of the tape. Andrew’s struggling to hold the camera and to comfort his distraught friend. Wet drops fall onto his leg as he cradles the larger man against his chest. Through the noise they can barely hear the last words Spike utters.
“That’s it then, last call, time to hit the road.” The blonde vampire squares his shoulders looking up at someone off camera. He nods and turns back to stare into the camera lens.
“Times up love. Remember me in your heart, cos that’s where I’ll always be”
Glints of tears shimmer in those blue eyes but before they can become any more than mere glimmers Spike stands.
“Right. I’m counting on you Drew, be there for him, or I swear I’ll come back and haunt your sorry arse.”
Its an empty threat, even Andrew knew that when Spike said it the first time. Now hearing it on tape, it still affects him, that Spike loves Xander enough to make sure he’s cared for. Real love is sacrifice, and the blonde already did that, gave his life, and his love to free the world. The least Andrew can do is respect his wishes, cause without love what is there to live for.
tbc