Holding On

 

My head hurt.  The trilling of the phone did nothing to help it.  Do you remember the days when we had actual landlines? Then I could scream at Dawn or who the hell ever to answer the phone.  I mentally kicked myself for not putting it on silent and rolled over to see who was calling.  Angel.  What the hell?

“Hello?”

“Buffy,” it was Cordy.  I wasn’t expecting that.

I tried not to grumble.  “Yeah… I’m here.”

“Were you asleep?  Did I wake you up?  It’s like ten o’clock?  Why aren’t you awake?”

I was… Jesus, who cared?  I’m not pouring my heart out to someone like Cordelia. What the hell was wrong with this girl anyway?  And why was she calling me?  I sighed.  “Yes.  Had a rough night.”

“I bet.  Listen, I really don’t care.  Faith’s here.” 

I wasn’t exactly surprised.  It was where she always ran, wasn’t it?  She and Angel had that whole thing.  I don’t know what you call it.  Some sort of “we were bad, we get each other” crap.  When things got tough, she ran straight to him.  A lesser person would be jealous.

“So?”  What? There was not a lot of brain activity right now. 

“She told us everything.”

I highly doubted that. She didn’t know  “Again, so?”  I could hear Cordy breathing on the line.  I freaking hate when people do that.  “Look, Cordelia, no one told her to leave.”

“Ha.  And no one stopped her either.  Why do you people do that?  It’s been ten years Buffy.  Are we not passed all of this? She tried.  I thought everything was going well.  Last time I talked to her she was all, ‘B this’ and ‘B that’ and then boom!  Here she is again.  Stumbling in to the hotel late last night, drunk and stupid.”

Ugh, I didn’t want to this right now. “What are you getting at?  I can’t…”

“You can’t what?”

Such a loaded question.  She had no idea and there was no way I was going to tell her. 

“Buffy,” I heard Willow opening my door.  “I think you should take your…” she trailed off.  “Oh, I didn’t know you were on the phone.” 

Cordy heard her.  “Is that Willow?  Let me talk to her.”

“Look Cordy, I can’t do this right now.  Is Faith okay?”

“Physically… yes.”

“Good, I just can’t…”

She sighed, “Buffy let me talk to Willow.  I don’t have time to decipher your vague allusions.”

I looked to Willow.  She was listening.  She shrugged her shoulders and I put the phone on speaker.

“Willow?  Willow, are you there?”

Willow sighed and sat down next to me.  She patted my knee and gave me a weak smile.  “Yeah, Cordy, I’m here.  What’s up?”

 

“Damn it.  I hate speakerphones.  Whatever.  What’s going on, Willow?”

“What do you mean?” Willow looked at me with a raised eyebrow.  I shrugged and shook my head.

Cordy growled.  “Seriously?  Do I have to come up there?  Is the brain that the two of you share missing?  What is going on with the Buffy?  And Faith?”

 

Willow, god bless her, played dumb.  “Faith?  What do you mean?”

“Save it, witch.  Faith showed up here last night, drunk and slurring.  All we could get out of her was secrets, and B and Red.  Said it had been going on for a week now.  Why do you keep doing this to her.  Don’t you trust her?  She has been trying.”

“Cordy,” I said, “Faith doesn’t understand.  It wasn’t like that.  I…” I couldn’t finish.

Willow jumped in, “there’s stuff.”  Wow.  Way to save me. 

“Ha. Stuff? What the hell is that supposed to mean?  Stuff?  What is going on?”

“Where’s Faith now?” I asked.

“Like you care.”  She’s so stupid.  She had no idea what I cared about.  I swallowed the lump that was starting to form in my throat.

“Don’t be harsh, Cordelia.  You don’t understand,” Willow said.  She took the phone from me.

I started to shake my head, please don’t, I mouthed at her.  She gave me a half smile and turned her back.  “There are things going on here Cordy.  Things that I can’t…” she looked at me. I was still shaking my head.  They didn’t need to know everything.  “…I can’t tell you. Not yet, anyway.  Please, if anyone can make Faith understand that, it’s you guys.”

“So what? The groupies have a secret they can’t share with us mere mortals?  Leave Faith out of the loop, while you all chat up your big secret?  Give me a break.”

 

Willow turned to look at me and rolled her eyes.  I loved her for the fact that she was trying to make light of the situation.  “Not exactly.  I’m…there’s something…” She pushed her hand through her hair, “Damn.  Listen, no one knows.  No one but Buffy and me.  I can’t say anymore than that.  So we can sit here on the phone all day arguing back and forth about secrets or you can trust me.  No one is intentionally leaving Faith, or anyone else, out of anything.  There are some things we need to figure out. What Faith saw yesterday was taken completely out of context.  I realize what it looked like, but she was wrong.”

I spoke up, “Is she there, Cordy?”

“Yes.  She’s… drinking coffee…Hey Faith,” Her voice instantly changed. “I was just…” she stuttered.  Cordy stuttering would have actually been funny at some other time.  “Oh fuck it… I was talking to Buffy and Willow.”

I could hear Faith in the background.  “What the fuck?  Are you stupid?”

“No Faith, I am, in fact, not stupid.  I am quite intelligent and I was worried.  You came in here last night, with…” she trailed off.

With what?  With whom?  What the fuck was she talking about.

“With what?” I said.

Faith must have been pretty close, or I must have said that pretty loud.  “Don’t you dare,” she said.

I could hear a faint struggle. 

“With?” I repeated.

“A skanky whore…” Cordy rushed out, before presumably the phone was pulled out of her hand.

A skanky whore?  Wow.  That was… wow.  That was not exactly what I expected of Faith.  But what did I know?

Willow looked at me, and her eyes were sad.  “Don’t.” I whispered.

“B?”

“…”

“B?” I wanted to answer her, but I couldn’t really feel my legs at the moment.  I needed to sit down.  “Buffy…it’s not what you think.”

“It doesn’t matter.” I whispered. 

“Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.  Buffy, please listen to me.  It’s not what you think…really.” Her voice was getting higher with each word.  “Please.  You need to say something.”

I seriously needed to lie down.  I needed to sleep.  I tried to say something, but “uh,” was the best I was getting out. 

I could feel the lump in my throat again.  You know the one.  Right before you start crying.  But there was no way… I wouldn’t cry on the phone. I….

“Faith,” Wills said, “Buffy can’t talk right now.” She took the phone off speaker.  I could tell she was listening but I don’t know what Faith was saying.  I laid my head on the pillow and turned away from her. 

“I don’t really know what to tell you.  Coming back here?” I shook my head, hoping she could see me. “No.  I don’t think that’s a good idea.  I am not sure what to…” she stopped midsentence, and took a deep breath, “You know what Faith, just stay there.  Yeah, so what?  I don’t really care.  You never give anyone a chance to explain.  You’ve done this to yourself.” 

I assume she hung up the phone because I heard her sit it down on the nightstand.  She lay down beside me and put her arm around me.  “I’m sorry,” she said. 

And she let me cry.