Revelations

Title: Revelations
Author: Thea Zara aka 50ftqueenie
Summary: Instead of telling the others after seeing Buffy with a returned Angel, Xander confronts her himself. This is the resulting conversation. AU.
Warnings: Graphic Non-con, Angst
Rating: NC-17 or FRAO
Pairing: Xander Spike Angelus
Notes: Story told in conversation only. First couple lines are paraphrased from the episode Revelations.


"You're just looking for any excuse to hurt him, aren't you, Xander? Jealous much?"

"I don't need excuses, Buffy. I have several perfectly acceptable reasons to want him gone. Not the least of which is the gaggle of dead people he murdered. And as to jealousy, get the hell over your precious self. I stopped having ANY feelings for you aside from contempt when I found out you could have taken Angelus out when we blew up the Judge."

"I tried. I-"

"Me, me, me. Whine, whine, whine. Angel, Angel, Angel. Do you ever have anything to say that doesn't revolve around you or him? Or that even remotely resembles reality?"

"Xander, why are you-"

"Don't ask questions you don't want answers to, Buffy."

"I do want answers. Why are you doing this, Xander."

"Buffy wants to know why. Maybe I don't want to tell you."

"Tell me, damnit. What's making you act this way, say these things?"

"Why, cause you want answers? You want the truth? You're sure as hell no Tom Cruise, and I'm no Jack Nicholson, but you can't handle the truth I'd tell you."

"Try me."

"Fine. First answer a question. If I got vamped, and started killing people, if Giles or Willow got vamped, would you stake us? Knowing that we'd be horrified at the people we were hurting, killing, would you step up and do your duty to free us?"

"It would be hard, but yes."

"Then why the fuck couldn't you do the same for Angel? Why the hell would you not only let him go on killing for months, but then make sure he was re-cursed so he'd feel all the guilt for the things he did?"

"I- It wasn't like that."

"Why because it was your precious Angel?"

"Yes. I'm sorry, but it happened and I can't be sorry that he's still here, still able to help us. Still able to make things right. He's sorry for all the things he did but now he has a chance to fix things."

"He murdered Ms. Calender, and tormented Giles with her corpse, then tortured him for information. You really think Angel can make that right, no matter how many other lives he saves? That he can just balance it out, wins and losses? So tell me, Buff, what act of heroism does he have to do to make up for fucking me?"

"Wh-what?"

"Oh, didn't your precious Angel tell you about that one? About how he was so angry I stopped him from raping and killing you in the hospital, that he just had to snatch me up the very first chance he got. About how he held me close and whispered in my ear, while we stood outside Willow's window watching her. Telling me how he needed something to fuck, since I took you off the menu, telling me all the sick little details that he loves about how he'd destroy her."

"No."

"Oh yes, and then when I begged him not to, when I pleaded with him, he said he wouldn't. That he was saving her, he wanted a plaything for Dru, and he'd wait to get it right before he took her. Then he showed me Cordelia. He said she'd actually be the one he'd rape, and torment, and mutilate, the one he'd fuck because I made sure he didn't have a nice tight blonde to fuck, so he'd decided only a brunette would do."

"Please stop."

"You wanted to know, Buff, and I just have to help you with that."

"I don't want to hear this."

"And I didn't want to lose my virginity to a 250 year old homicidal psychopath, so you can do what I do every day and just fucking DEAL! Now, where was I? Oh yeah, he told me only a brunette would do, and no matter what, it would be my fault. Then he slid his hand along my face and said 'Of course if you know of someone to take her place...'"

"Please."

"I think I said that once or twice. He really seemed to like hearing that. Especially while my mouth was wrapped around his dick. Seemed to get a real kick out of it. He never could decide which he liked better though, cumming all over my face, or watching me choke and gag on it. His favorite though, was making me suck off Spike. You see he didn't want it either, but he was in that damned chair and couldn't get away, so that was a two'fer. Maybe more when you think about it, cause he turned me into a rapist too. Forcing my attentions on Spike. I think he remembered about the hyena and how horrified I was about that."

"Xander, I'm so so-"

"Don't you fucking dare. I don't want your pathetic apologies. I just want you to stand there, and listen, and know what you let happen. You know, he wouldn't just fuck me and get it over with, cause then' he'd miss out on all the funny stuff like making me beg him to fuck me. Like making me crawl after him naked. Then, he finally decided to 'take me up on my offer', and threw me down on the bed on my back and laid on top of me. God my legs were pulled up so tight, and he was over me and I couldn't catch a breath from the weight of him, and the only thing I had left to keep me sane was the thought of you, so I told him, I said 'Buffy will kill you for this.' and he laughed. He honest to God laughed. No evil chuckle, no leer, but a great big belly laugh at just how stupid I was, then he told me all about how you could have killed him months ago, how you had him beat down in the mall after the Judge, but just walked away. How you've let him get away with literal murder, because you loved him. And as he was telling me how much you loved him, he just rammed into me and I screamed and he laughed again and just kept fucking me and kept laughing. There are nights I can't sleep for the laughter."

"Xander..."

"He finished doing his thing, and then rolled off me and left. I could barely move. Spike's the one who helped clean me up, and get me dressed. I kept apologizing to him, but I don't think he knew why. Finally he told one of the minions to dump me off back at my place, and warned them not to snack, cause Angelus would be angry."

"I'll kill him, I swear."

"You can't kill him. He's Angel now, thanks to the spell. The thing is, I really don't know how he can stand to look at you, after the things you let him do. Keep that in mind when you're trying to hold him close and kiss him, all while praying you never make him happy."