A Rude Awakening

Disclaimer: The Buffy Universe and all Characters are owned by Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, Fox etc. I have written this story exclusivel. I am making no money from writing this, but just felt that the tale needed to be told.

Future work in progress: I have a number of story ideas Others all ready written and being published. I will be publishing something every week wherever possible.

Distribution: adult-fanfiction.org exclusively at present although I may post on additional forums at some point in the future. I may also edit slightly to allow posing on more sensitive forums.

Feedback: Please leave feedback if you enjoy the story or have comments on its direction. Ultimately I am doing this for yourselves as well as myself so am thankful for any input.

Email: jason.thornton3@ntlworld.com

Spoilers: Nothing at all

Timing: No time….Limbo?
Author’s notes: I have read a number of stories on a number of sites. Many have great story elements, others progress and develop characters far greater than the series ever did. However some stories go in directions that I feel are not true to the heart and soul of a characters portrayed (tricky point ‘Soul’ that when dealing with vampires). I have therefore written this piece which basically deals a little with the frustrations I have felt about certain pointless postings that I really don’t perceive as fan fiction but more people getting their fetishes down on paper without really thinking of what the do to the characters. No real issue with any authors or styles in particular. Just thought I would act as devils advocate championing for Xander and Spikes perspective. Not expecting to write further chapters to this unless I get a lot of feedback asking me too then I might do, who knows?

Title: ‘A Rude awakening!’
“Bloody heck that hurt!” Xander Yelped as Spike rammed his thick dead flesh up a Xanders tight passage.

“Hell they don’t call me the peoples champion for nothing boyo!” Spike gave a sarcastic grin “Now shut up and lick off the mess you have caused and while your at it see if you can put a bit of soul back in my trombone!”

“Boy I wish these fans wouldn’t write such fucking crap!” Xander cried to an unseen god as he bent over and started to lick the stained member clean.

“Who the fuck are you talking to?” Spike gave up the task he had set upon and grabbed Xander by the hair dragging him towards him!

“Those guys!” Xander indicated, pointing towards a dark shadow of spikes crypt. “Can you not hear all the clickety clicking going on its like river dance on steroids?”

Spike listened carefully but couldn’t hear a thing. “You’re going wrong in fucking the head is what you are! I always said that your head was all screwed up”

“Oh I think you mean you always said me giving head was better than a fuck?” Xander grinned.

“Got that damned right!” Spike agreed. Then stopped as Xander was distracted again and not doing the task he had set is thrall!

“What’s fucking up now!” He stood up yanking himself away from the inattentive swine.
“Why ever did I fall for you?” He groaned.

“That’s just it.”

“What?”

“Why did you fall for me or I for you. I mean here I am quite happy hating your fucking guts then next minute we’re all lovey dovey in each others arms.” Xander shook his head. “And this time I didn’t even wish for the warm fuzzy feeling!”

Spike thought for a minute. “You know you might be onto something there.”

“See you step back from it and bang it hits you and not nearly as hard as you just hit me!” Xander made an action of clapping his hands together like a collision.

“How the fuck did we get here then?” Spike frowned.

“I don’t know and realistically it just doesn’t matter to some of these guys. We are just living out the fantasies of some sad twisted minds.” He rubbed his backside and pulled his pants back on. “I mean I wouldn’t mind if the script writers had made me gay in the series but that was Willows bag. I was just an ordinary heterosexual with a single minded interest in women. Let’s think…..Buffy, Willow, Cordy…Willow. Nope not a lad amongst them but then here I am getting all mushy with you?”

Spike looked at Xander then back at his failing erection. “You’re not even fucking attractive so how did I get aroused in the first place?” He poised.

Xander walked off to the fridge to get a beer. He needed to flush out his throat. “It really doesn’t matter. Porn often doesn’t have to have a plot, just all the sex and stuff. You know you must have seen ‘Seven studs for Sister Sweaty?’” He smiled taking a long drag of the bottle.

“No, but it sounds a lot more like my kinda movie.” Spike grinned. “What happens.”

“Well basically it’s a shag fest, you know picture this:
Camera zooms in on a sexy blonde nun dressed in fishnets going for confession. She goes into the chamber and says ‘Father forgive me for I have sinned every day for the past week.’
‘Tell me child what you have done and your sins will be forgiven’ The bishop advises her.
‘All my sins?’
Yes child!
Basically then she goes on to reminisce about the 6 men she has had sex with over the last week and all the while the bishop is getting more and more aroused, masturbating and sweating profusely. Eventually he turns to her and says but that was only 6 days of sins child what have you done today.
‘Well she says its not what I have done but more what I am about to and she drops her gown and runs into his chambers and after a big scene of wanton sex she says ‘So am I forgiven father?’ at which point he grins at her and says forgiven child, no but I am now in need of serious absolution. Shall we see if we can get to heaven together?”

“What a load of fucking crap!” Spike snapped but smiled at Xander but I can certainly see the point of checking it out. You got a copy?

“See! You’re as heterosexual as I am! Oh I know you got all that bad boy vampire stuff going on but basically your history is also written with women, Drucilla, Harmony, Buffy ……OH and Anya. Not that I am forgiving you for that last one mind you.” He growled.

“Get over it boy, the Wicca was looking for someone with a stiffy on to satisfy and guess what I fit the bill nicely.” Spike laughed.

Xander slammed his bottle on the table and moved towards the vampire menacingly.
Spike moved towards him they both met eye to eye.

There was a deadly silence as they stared at each other trying to psyche each other out.

“Yeuw…..” They both broke off together.

They paced the crypt frantically trying not to get close to each other in case a stray script nudged them there. Then Spike turned to leave. “That’s it he said I have had enough. I am off to go pull a bird or two and prove my manhood”

“No don’t do it!” Xander screamed.

But too late the door opened and a black fog entered the crypt. “Bloody hell.” Spike gasped and tried to force the door shut again. Xander leaped in to help.

When the crypt was safely sealed again Spike turned to Xander “What was that?”

“That. Oh that’s just the stuff!” He winked.

“What fucking stuff?” Spike gasped!

Xander smiled. “Well you know when these perverts run out of ideas and have had their kicks with you and me and messing with the heads of every other character the stuff is where we get pushed back to. You know it’s filled with empty plot lines, unfulfilled ideas, incomplete stories but mainly just darkness brought on by the gloom of the readers who are looking for something more?”

“More?...What do you mean by more?” Spike looked lost.

“OK this is going to sound a bit gay but you know the relationship stuff, the reasons two people are together. The deep mushy stuff that makes it all work.”

“Oh that stuff. Cannot say I have had much use of it if truth to tell. No soul you know what I mean!” He confessed.

Xander looked at the peroxide blond vampire….’Ok I can understand where her becomes a gay role model.’ He thought. “Do you know it’s funny. If its Guy/Girl there is usually a lot more written. Girl/ Girl goes all intimate and gets all deep and emotional. But Guy Guy…It just seems to be about the sex? Loads of Penile erection jokes and wham bam thank you maam.”

“So where do we go from here?” Spike turned and smiled at Xander.

“Hmm.” Xander frowned…..”How about a cream and cookies?”

“Ok but this time you get the cream and I am the cookie!” He winked…….

Here we go again. Xander shrugged.