How You Remind Me

Fandom: BTVS
Pairing: Spike/ Xander
Rating: NC17
Author: Mightbeme
E-Mail: Lee_Michelle_t@hotmail.com
Disclaimer: Not mine, don’t own em *sniffle*, they belong to Joss dammit.
Thanks: To Darkynangelic for the beta, thanks so much I really appreciate it.
Notes: This is my entry for the SSFA in the “Free for all” category. I hope you guys like it. The song “How you remind me” is by Nickleback and belongs to them etc.


How You Remind Me


Nights fallen, though you’d never know it here, s’dark all the time. Loud music cuts through the smoke laden air of the dive I’d stumbled into hours or was it days ago. Heavy bass laying down the beat, harsh sound slicing through me with its driving rhythm. Pounding its way inside like the heartbeat I haven’t had for over a century.

Picture of misery eh, what a laugh.

I keep me duster hunched around me shoulders, wearing the leather like armour of old. Depression bows me down to slouch on the bar stool in some half hearted foetal position. Nearly empty bottle of scotch rests on the sticky bar under my elbows, my fingers clutching the bottleneck like I’m afraid to let it go. A half smoked fag dangles limply from my slack lips, as I let the music wash over me, bringing unwanted memories with it.

God, what a tosser, how stupid am I…I can answer that…. Stupid enough to come back to this god-forsaken hellhole after I got me soul back. And wasn’t that a brilliant plan…oh yeah, get souled, get the girl, live fuckin’ happily ever after. Well that ain’t what happened.

#Never made it as a wise man
I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing
Tired of living like a blind man
I'm sick inside without a sense of feeling#

Long pull on the bottle, getting the dregs, fire burning down my throat, mingling with the bile caught there. I slam the empty on the bar, reaching into the depths of my coat to pull out a few crumpled notes, throwing them at the barman. The snick of the bottle cap being twisted off gets my attention and I grab it out of the human’s sweaty hands. Another fiery draught tumbles down my throat and I swallow against the burn, letting it warm me inside like he did.

#And this is how you remind me
This is how you remind me of what I really am
This is how you remind me of what I really am#

No fuck it, no… I’m not gonna think about the bastard.

Not thinking about his eyes, not thinking about how they’d darken with lust, burning as he’d stare down at me. Not thinking about his hot breath panting over my face as he rode my cock. No, fuck off, leave me be, don’t wanna thiboutbout him, think about the sweet sweat coating his muscled body. Don’t wanna think about how so much heat was burning me that I thought I’d just about go up in flames.

#It's not like you to say sorry
I was waiting on a different story
This time I’m mistaken
For handing you a heart worth breaking#

Another deep pull, eyes closed against the burn, against the pain flaring inside.

Had so damm much now and its only just starting to numb the fucking ache livin’ in me chest where me heart used to be. Don’t know how I can feel like I can’t breathe when I don’t need to. Fuckin flaming balls of crap, I should have just got the damm chip out and slaughtered them all. Wanted to, after ‘er, after she refused me again, beneath her still. I was never gonna be good enough for that bitch, no one could replace her fuckin Angel. Least I got to fuck ‘er more than he did, the bastard.


#And I've been wronged, I’ve been down
Into the bottom of every bottle
These five words in my head
Scream, "Are we having fun yet?"
Yeah, yeah, yeah, no no
Yeah, yeah, yeah, no no#

Course rejection was never a good thing for me, an’ the damm soul just kept telling me she was right. Made me notice other things for a change. Wasn’t exactly the poster child for mental health was I. ‘Ow else can I explain about letting the whelp shag me, bleedin’ bastard. Said he never gave the demon bitch another thought after he dumped her, left her crying at the altar. Should have seen it then, should have seen his purpose. Instead of listening to his sweet words in the dark as he rubbed his god, so hot body over mine, grinding his way into my soul. Fuck…shouldn’t have stayed, shouldn’t ‘ave let him touch me, but I let me fucking soul’s neediness get the better of me. So stupid, said he wanted me, always had…..and I fell for it. Stupid cunt, let me cock get me into trouble again. Always thinking with me dick, oughta cut the bastard off.

#It's not like you didn't know that
I said I love you and I swear I still do
And it must have been so bad
Cause living with me must have damn near killed you#

All that time we spent together in the basement never prepared me for living with ‘im again. Course it was different this time. This time he knew what he wanted, and me stupid shite that I am didn’t see it coming. Let his pretty lies get to me, and get to me they did. Had me on me back legs in the air, moaning his name as he fucked the unlife outta me. The demon bitch trained him well, he fucks like a professional, ‘cept I’m the one who feels like a whore.

#And this is how you remind me
of what I really am
This is how you remind me of what I really am#


God the bastard knew how to get to me, saw how desperate I was for someone to see me. Not Spike, not a vampire…but me…William, who needed someone to love. He saw all right, bailed me up one day when I first came back to stay with ‘im. Used his damm silver tongue to get to me, telling me how I could trust him. Trust him to fuck up me life that’s for sure. White Knight be dammed, bet his mates don’t know about his little fucktoy. Can’t count how many times he had me on me knees, his cock buried in me ass. Course stupid me just took it…. fuck took it, I fucking craved it. I’d wait all day for him to come home, be on me knees waiting like a good dog. Christ, me mouth would be watering, just thinking about peelin’ im outta his gear. Soon as he came in the door and his zipper cleared his cock, I had to have it. I buried me face in his groin tonguing his hard flesh, teasing his slit, letting me lips cover the crown so I could bathe it in cool spit. He tasted so damm good, salt from sweating all day at work and a sweet musky flavour all of his own. The way he’d groan when I’d take him all the way, letting my throat relax to take his whole length. His hands would thread through my hair, harsh enough sometimes to make me forget I don’t have to breathe.

#It's not like you to say sorry
I was waiting on a different story
This time I’m mistaken
For handing you a heart worth breaking#

The rough I could take, vampire right, even a souled one has a taste for a spot of violence. Been taken dry more times than I can remember, taken dry by Xander. I remember every single one. If’n he’d just done that, used me to get his end away I could have stood him walking away. But it’s the other times, when he made me fucking care. Damm him to hell, couldn’t the bastard just cut me fucking heart out and leave it at that.

#And I've been wronged, I've been down
Into the bottom of every bottle
These five words in my head
Scream ,"Are we having fun yet?"
Yeah, yeah, yeah, no no
Yeah, yeah, yeah, no no
Yeah, yeah, yeah, no no
Yeah, yeah, yeah, no no#

Another long pull on the cigarette, letting the smoke soothe me with its familiar taste. Pushing it out in a long blue grey stream, watching as it wafts around me. I can almost see Xander in the cloud of smoke if I stare hard enough. Not like I need to stare, if I close my eyes I see him, fuck I can hear him. Hear the last words he said to me.

We were layin’ on the bed we’d shared since I moved back in. His cock was hard and slick, sliding in and out of me like hot steel. Sweat ran off him in rivulets to pool on the cooler skin of my stomach. I watched him, my legs wrapped around his waist, pulling me hips up with each thrust, seeing the heat in his eyes. My body felt like it was on fire inside; no one else had ever made me feel so much. His hot hand wrapped around my cock made me moan in pleasure as he stroked me harder. It was all I could do to murmur his name, hell I could hardly remember my own, he fucking played havoc with me conversational skills. I could feel my orgasm building up, my body tensing as he drove me over the edge. All I could think as I came was that I loved him…. must have said it too. Cause after he emptied himself inside me he nearly fell off the bed.

#Never made it as a wise man
I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing
And this is how you remind me
This is how you remind me
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am
This is how you remind me of what I really am#

Clutching the neck of the bottle so hard it splintered in my hand, shards of glass and drops of whiskey falling onto the bar in a burst of refracted light. Blood wells on my hand and I absently lick it off, knowing that the cuts will soon be healed. The bar keep sweeps the broken bottle and spilled whiskey away, replacing it as quickly as he can. He doesn’t even take the money I throw on the counter. I snort in contempt at his fearful gesture, mustn’t know I’m harmless then…too bad for him. I take another swig, and another knowing I must be nearly at the bottom of the barrel to be dredging up the more painful of me memories of Xander.

#It's not like you to say sorry
I was waiting on a different story
This time i'm mistaken
For handing you a heart worth breaking#

I’d looked into those dark eyes, seen the regret before I could turn away. He gathered me to him, let me sink into those warm arms while I tried to close my ears to his words.

“I can’t love you William…Anya…”

#And I've been wronged, I've been down
Into the bottom of every bottle#

My heart crushed with those few words and her name felt like a knife twisting in my chest. I felt stiff tears burning at the backs of my eyes. Be dammed if I’d cry in front of the bastard.

#These five words in my head
Scream ,"Are we having fun yet?"#

“Can’t, or won’t love me Xander”

#Yeah, yeah, "Are we having fun yet?"
Yeah, yeah, "Are we having fun yet?"
Yeah, yeah, "Are we having fun yet?"
Yeah, yeah, "Are we having fun yet?"#

He hadn’t replied, just held me tight like I was a lifeline and he was drowning. After awhile I’d untangled myself from his embrace, felt his eyes on my back as I dressed and left. No more words had been said, but I could feel them in the air around us. He’d said he didn’t love Anya anymore and I believed him, but he’d said her name like she was his excuse. I wanted to howl at the sky, break my fists on anything or anyone who happened to cross my path.

Did he mean he couldn’t love anyone after her, or did he think she’d curse his arse for shagging someone else? My head was pounding with unanswered questions, I wouldn’t know unless he told me. How could he physically love my body without feeling something in his heart? Was William the poet just seeing more into a shag than he should, or was Spike the vampire right? Was I just a fucktoy? I’d never know unless Xander told me. The tears I felt build up and trickle down my face.

Love’s bitgaingain, I had to laugh, painful though the thought was…. ……are we having fun yet….somehow I don’t think so.

#No, no.#

The End