Speedier: A Fic On A Very Fast Bus

I do not claim to own any of the characters; I just like to play with them. I am but a poor office clerk without two pennies to rub together and I make NO money from writing any fanfic. So, suing me would be pretty pointless and I would cry.


Speedier: A Fic On A Really Fast Bus.

By Suki Blue

Sigh

…

SIGH

…

…

SIGH.

“SPIKE!”

“What?”

“Would you stop that, please?”

“Stop what?!”

“You know full well what. The sighing. It’s gotten old.”

Sigh. Foot tap.

“And you can stop that, too. I think that’s worse than the sighing.”

Heavy silence.

“Hate the bloody bus.” Mutter, mutter.

“Not a fan either, Spike. But it was either this or good old fashioned walking.”

“Hate bloody walking.”

“Exactly. Think of it like this. We could have walked and worn holes in our shoes or we could just ride the bus and enjoy the luxury of slightly padded seats and an exciting assortment of used chewing gum. I think we made the right…euw, I don’t even wanna know what that is.”

“Looks like vomit. Or rice pudding. Not sure.”

“I miss my car.” Sigh.

“I miss your car.” Sigh. “Can’t this bucket go any faster?”

“Not unless we plough merrily through all the innocent night-time commuters. Don’t sweat it. Traffic should clear soon. It always backs up about here. There, see? It’s clearing already.”

“Thank fuck for that. Was starting to go grey, here.”

“Spike? Why is there a guy running after us?”

Shrug. “Bloke wants to catch a bus.”

“But we’re on a freeway. Who tries to catch a bus on a freeway? Apart from the insane, the unsteady and the truly stranded.”

“Erm, the crazy?”

“I covered that under insane. What is he doing?”

“Fuck knows. Bloke’s got a real hard on for this bus.”

“You think?”

“Yeah, you can see it. Quite a package. Look.”

“Oh, yeah! Nice.”

“Oi! Stop looking!”

“But…you told me to!”

“Didn’t.”

“Oh, you so did. And besides, you looked first. I didn’t even notice.”

“Yeah, I have that problem with you sometimes.”

“Hey!”

Chuckle. “It’s a hard life, luv.”

“You’re not funny.”

“Am.”

“Not.”

“Am.”

“Not. Oh, look, he’s gone.”

“Nope, he just got in a car.”

“Where?”

“There. Shiny black one.”

“Oh, yeah. Oh, my god, is he driving after us?”

“Erm, yes.”

“Cool! You think there’ll be a car chase?”

“Well, being that he is actually chasing us, yes, I think the chances are high.”

“You are such a sarcastic bastard.”

“And proud of it. But you still love me and you know it.”

“Whatever. Hey, the bus driver’s opening the door. He’s talking to the guy in the car. I can’t hear what they’re saying. I don’t think the driver can either. Can you hear, Spike? SPIKE!”

“What?”

“Can you hear… oh, we’ve overtaken him. Could you hear what he was saying?”

“What who was saying?”

“The guy in the car.”

“Probably.”

“Probably? What does that mean?”

“It’s means I probably could have heard.”

“But?”

“But I wasn’t listening.”

“So you weren’t listening to me, either?”

“No.”

“So what were you doing?”

“Looking at the hot bird in the SUV.”

Sigh. “Typical. Is she still there?”

“Nope.”

SIGH. “Typical.”

“’Ere. Bloke’s behind us, now. Looks like he’s writing something down.”

“Where? Let me see. Oh, yeah. Can’t really see it, though. Can you see it?”

“Wait a minute while I screw in my digital vision enhancers.”

“Don’t give me that. Vampire vision?”

“For seeing in the dark, twit, not seeing far away.”

“But it is dark.”

“Yes, but the note is also very far away.”

“Oh. Hang on, the note’s blown away. Oh, it’s stuck on the window.”

Bomb

On

Bus.

“There you go, pet. There’s a bomb on the bus.”

“Oh. Okay.”

Silence.

“Spike?”

“Mmm. Ooh, there’s that bird again. Look.”

“Where?! Oh, yeah, she’s hot.”

“Stop looking.”

“But…! I hate you.”

“You love me.”

“I must be an idiot.”

“Got that right. Oh, hang on…”

Sigh. “Spike? Should we tell the driver that there’s a bomb on the bus?”

“No need, luv. Boner boy just got on. They’re confabbing as we speak.”

“What are they saying?”

“He’s a copper. There’s a bomb on the bus. If we go below fifty the bus will explode. Oh, and the bus has a tail light out.”

“Oh, my god! That’s so dangerous. You’d think they’d check things like tail lights before the bus heads out.”

“You’d think. You’d also think they’d check for bombs.”

“Definitely. I would. Maybe. If I had a lot of time to kill.”

Silence.

“Well, at least we’ll get home quicker, eh, pet?”

“Yeah. See? You just have to see the silver lining.”

“Exactly. It’s all in the positive thinking. What’s he yapping about now?”

“The bomb.”

“Still? Boring.”

“He’s just explaining to the other…”

BANG!

“…Ooops. Didn’t see that coming.”

“Me neither. I dunno. You’re just trying to get home in one piece and then someone puts a bomb on the bus and then someone else starts shooting the damn driver. What next, eh?”

“Sucks, huh?”

“Big time, luv. Wanna get off?”

“I hardly think this is the time…”

“Off the bus, nit-wit.”

“Oh!” Chuckle. “Sure. But…how? We’re going way too fast.”

“Right. Time for action here, then. Bear with me a sec, pet. I’m gonna have a peek under the bus; that’s where they normally keep bombs, innit? Now, where’s the hatch?”

“You’re standing on it.”

“Oh, yeah. Funny. I don’t remember getting up. Back in a jiff.”

Tense ten second silence.

“Right. Yeah.”

“Did you see it?”

“Yep. Really weird timer. Bloody gold watch, of all…what? Eh? Yeah, gold watch…eh? Look, just hang on, whatever your name is…oh, right, you look more like a Keanu. Just hang on, Jack, I’m in charge here…I don’t care who you work for! Just back off while I think for a minute. How rude can you get, eh?”

“What are you thinking, Spike?”

“I’m thinking that I’m gonna knock someone out! Will you just piss off! Look, your fancy bit at the wheel is about to nod off.”

Scuttle.

“Ha. That got rid of him. Now, where was I?”

“You were thinking.”

“Right. Now if I’m correct in assuming that this is a bus, which it is, then there is only one way to stop it.”

“How?”

“Pull the cord.”

“What about the bomb?”

“What about it?”

“If the bus goes below fifty then it’s Xander and Spike go Kaboom.”

“Not if we pull the cord. The bus has to stop and let us off safely.”

“Really? Are you making this up?”

“Would I? Observe me pulling the cord. Observe the bus stopping. And now observe us getting the fuck off.”

“And let me guess, now observe us having to walk all the way home?”

“Got it in one, luv.”

Sigh. “Carry me?”

“Sod off. You carry me.”

“I caaaaaan’t. Tireeeeed.”

“We’ve only walked three sodding steps! Pitiful bloody human.”

Sulk.

Sigh. “Alright, hop on my back. The things I bloody do for you.”

“Yeah, but you still love me and you know it.”

“Whatever.”

BOOM!!!!!

“Think that was the bus?”

“Well, I didn’t think it was a speedboat, pet.”

“Oh. Spike?”

“What?”

“I think I have rice pudding on my sneakers.”

THE ANTI-CLIMAX/END