Attack of the Killer Kumquats!

Title: Attack of the Killer Kumquats
Author: amejisuto
Pairing: Spike/Xander
Rating: R
Feedback: Please!
Concrit: by email, please
Disclaimer: Not mine, never will be. No harm, no foul, no money made.
Warnings/Squicks: Umm, Buffy bashing, general silliness. Bad language and mentions of icky things that Xander won’t watch.
Summary: Spike, Xander and Buffy watch for demons in a grocery store. Spike and Xander are a couple and everyone knows but Buffy and Xander thinks it’s about time she figured it out.

Notes: I’d blame this on having PMS but that’s not politically correct. This is sort of another fic that came about from the Spuffy love that was going around on live journal and I just had to take a poke at it. This fic is also an example of my very own thought process and is so NOT cannon it isn’t even funny. Don’t ask me when I even set this thing, I don’t have a clue. It’s just there, floating in the ether for me to be silly with and for y’all to read and enjoy!

Attack of the Killer Kumquats!


Xander shifted where he was sitting; the cases of Coke and Diet Coke weren’t the most comfortable thing in the world to hide behind. Then again, he was just thankful he could come along, considering Buffy was in another one of her “Flirt With Spike” phases. Never mind that she had a boyfriend of her own, she had to go and try to steal Xander’s too.

Okay, so he and Spike hadn’t officially come out of the, ~snerk~, closet yet, but just about everyone knew. Willow had figured out something was going on when Spike hadn’t moved out of the basement and had plied him with cookies and fudge until he broke. That meant that Tara knew because Willow would never keep secrets from her girlfriend any more than he would from Spike.

Dawn knew for the same reason Willow knew, only she had cornered Spike and bribed him with hot wings, Weetabix and Jaffa Cakes. Knowing Spike, he'd caved even quicker than Xander had when faced with an entire Chocolate Chip Pie.

Giles had found out not too long ago. The older man had gotten worried when he couldn’t get through to Xander on his day off and when he’d heard the sounds of Xander being “attacked” he’d broken down the door.

It was great that his pseudo-father figure loved him and worried about him, but Xander really could have done without Giles finding him with his legs in the air and Spike cleaning sundae toppings out of odd places. With his tongue.

So pretty much everyone knew, and they had stopped hiding some of the more coupley things they did. Unfortunately Buffy didn’t know, or was being especially obtuse. Then again, they tended not to show affection to each other around Riley, and she always seemed to be attached to the big soldier. Riley was a big idiot who could have been the poster boy for the New Nazis. The man even made uncomfortable gestures when Willow and Tara kissed and everyone knew that lesbians were cute.

Xander thought to himself that maybe that was the problem. Most people, male and female, thought lesbians were cute, while usually it was only women who thought gay males were cute.

He shifted where he was sitting yet again and looked over at where Spike was perched on top of one of the aisle end caps. They were staking out the inside of Food Lion; there was some kind of parasitic demon that was hiding its spawn in produce while the stores were closed at night and this was one of the last ones that hadn’t been hit. The witches and Giles had been working overtime on coming up with a potion that unpossessed people and getting them to drink it. All he knew was that he was glad that he didn’t do fresh fruits and veggies that much because, eeeww, the potion stunk to high heaven. The Coca-Cola people would probably love them since they had a cover of doing a blind taste test. Anything would taste better than that crap.

Spike was looking down at him and making weird faces, and Xander struggled not to laugh. This would be so much more fun if it was just the two of them.

But instead Buffy was crouching near the salad dressing, and looking at his vampire!

Xander sighed and checked his watch. It was well after four in the morning; he would have thought any demon would have come by and done its thing and gone on already. It was even late for vampires to be out. Usually they only stayed out on the town as long as their prey did and most humans were tucked up in their beds by this time.

Huh. That meant vampires usually went out during prime time. He wondered if they had a hard time catching food during special events on TV, like the Superbowl, or during the finale of M*A*S*H.

Then again, considering some of the sucky shows on TV maybe it was demons doing the programming. Because, when you think about it, how did shows like The Beverly Hillbillies become a hit without someone selling their soul or doing some sort of sacrifice? He was from California and even he could tell it was condescending towards people who lived in that area. And for there to be a movie? Well, that was like evil on the Angelus level.

Xander let his mind wander. He was there mainly to act as a cheerleader for Spike while his lover ripped whatever demon it was to bits. Maybe he should get a uniform? For, like, the bedroom? Not one with a skirt but one of the manly cheerleading uniforms with the tight spandex pants...and a black sweater with a big red “Spike” on it?

“This is bloody stupid! No demon is going to break into a grocer’s at four thirty in the fucking morning to lay eggs! Or…whatever the hell it’s doing to the greenery.”

Xander would have agreed but he was too busy yawning. Of course, Buffy had to jump right in. “You never know, Spike. Besides, this is better than anything else we could be doing.”

“You mean like sleep, Buffy? 'Cause I sure could use forty winks here. I’m just glad I’m off from work tomorrow.”

“Poor Xander. You can always go home if you want, and me and Spike can stay here on watch.”

“Not on your life,” he mumbled under his breath. He hated it when Buffy was pissed with Riley. It was just like in High School, when she flirted with other guys when she was mad at Angel. Only this time, instead of rubbing up against him on the dance floor at the Bronze she was trying to rub up against his vampire!

“Sorry, Buff, but I’m here for the night. After all, me and Spike are supposed to be partners. Right, Spike?”

Spike didn’t say anything; he just rolled his eyes. There wasn’t much to say, unless they wanted to take the chance of having a pissed off Slayer in the middle of the produce section.

Xander turned his head to one side. Maybe it was time to run Buffy over with the clue bus. If they left her enough hints she might just get it and he wouldn’t have to go into the stereotypical jealous flamboyant gay man routine because, while he kind of liked the whole being fucked by Spike part, he wasn’t ready to be any gayer than he already was.

Other than the fact that his friends were all girls and a middle aged British man who might have had a questionable history with a certain Chaos Mage, that is.

Oh yeah, he was so very gay. Maybe not as bad as Spike, who had special hair care products and nail polish, but still—gay.

He heard Spike mutter and Buffy sigh and realized he’d been off in his own gay little world. They were all bored and he really didn’t think anything would happen this late so he might as well entertain himself.

“Did you guys ever notice how gay cop shows are? I mean, come on, The Sentinel? Those two guys would nearly kiss on camera. Sure, they said they were joking around but I so doubt it.”

Buffy crinkled her nose and Spike snorted. Which was a good thing; the snort, not the crinkle. No, the snort said that Spike had figured out what he was doing and was amused, rather than the other kind of snort that happened when Spike was just plain laughing at him.

Xander figured that’s how they knew it was love. He knew the entire range of Spikesnorts and Spike could tell what he was trying to say behind the babble. He would have said it was a good thing but that was too much like Martha Stewart and, while he didn’t mind general evilness so much now that his lover was evil, she was a whole different level of evil that was best to avoid.

“Whelp, are you telling me that Jimmy Smits bloke you think is so handsome is getting it on with that Polish git? Because, really, that’s an image I can do without.”

“Ewwww. God, no! But that goes to prove my point. See, they worked too hard to make it heterosexual. How else can a middle aged, balding cop get a young hot blonde? Besides paying for her? In real life either of those women would have told him to get a life.” He paused. “But I would have liked it if Ricky Schroeder and that guy from Saved by the Bell had been on at the same time and made out. That would have been interesting.”

“Xan-luv, I think you need to cut back on how much telly you watch. It’s rotting your brain. Guess I’ll have to find another way to…occupy your time.” Spike leered at him and Xander felt that full body flush that always seemed to happen whenever his lover did that.

Xander grinned back at him. “Fine with me, as long as I get to set the VCR.”

“Ewwww! Would you to stop that! We’re supposed to be on the look out for evil veggies, not doing…whatever the hell it is you’re doing!”

“She’s right, Xan. Less foreplay, more watching.”

“Whatever you say, Spikey-poo.”

“Will you stop it!! Just…quit playing around!” Buffy actually stomped her foot, which was quite a sight, considering she was wearing stiletto heeled boots. Xander knew for a fact how deadly those heels could be; one too many times of pissing off Cordelia had taught him too well. He still couldn’t figure out how girls walked in them, much less ran and kicked.

Maybe it was a slayer thing? Like the faster healing and the permanent 24 hour PMS symptoms Buffy seemed to have.

“And just who says we’re playing, Slayer?” Spike’s voice had that deadly tone in it that he’d get right before ripping off the demon of the week’s arm and beating him to death with it. Xander really hoped Buffy kept her mouth shut for once in her life, or else she would find out what the Witches had given him and Spike on their six month anniversary.

After all, she’d be majorly pissed if she knew the chip was about as effective as a soggy Dorito.

Mmmm, Doritos. Maybe he’d grab some and leave the cash for them by the main register on the way out.

“Come on! You, gay? Okay, Xander I can see, but not you.”

“HEY!” Okay, so he felt the need to protest that statement, even if he was gay. Or bi, or whatever it was that caused him to all but jump Spike that first night in the Basement of Doom. Thank gods Anya had left town after their one night stand. Who knows what would have happened?

Before Spike could launch a verbal attack to defend Xander’s honor, or at least that is what Xander hoped he was about to do, there was a loud bang from the ceiling. They all froze where they were and then crept back into their hiding places and Xander had a great view of what was emerging from the air conditioning duct.

He really wished he didn’t.

They were the size of large cats, with six legs, a long lizard-like prehensile tale and the head of a cat. If a cat had way too many large teeth, that is. What was creepiest was the fact that it had two arms in addition to all the legs, and the hands looked human, with opposable thumbs. And they were the color of an oil slick: black and slimy and glistening. Ewwww.

More than a half dozen dropped from the ceiling and were scrambling all over the citrus and tomato area, using a long, needle-like tongue to do…something to them. He really didn’t want to think about them injecting spores, or eggs.

“Huh, guess these little buggers need the acid that’s in tomatoes and kumquats to hatch their eggs.” Spike’s voice was sort of odd, and Xander grinned to see a look of curiosity on his mate’s face. No one but him knew it, but Spike could be just as bad as Giles in certain researchy areas, and the vampire took pride in how many species of demons he knew how to kill.

“Didn’t I see this in a Powerpuff Girls cartoon once? And how gross is that? I just know I’m going to get my new blouse messy, killing these things.”

“Okay, first, don’t you think killing these things takes precedence over your choice of fashion?” And Xander knew why she dressed up; she did it to seduce Spike! “Secondly, that was broccoli in that one episode and if we’re the Powerpuff Girls, you're Blossom.”

“Why do I have to be Blossom?”

Spike jumped down from his perch. “Because you’re a bossy little bint that thinks she knows it all and likes to get her way. ‘Sides, this is much more of a cult classic midnight movie type of situation.”

Xander gave an exasperated sigh. “Spike, I am NOT watching Pink Flamingos with you, so get over it! I have a high ick factor, thanks to living on the Hellmouth, but I draw a really big line at watching middle-aged drag queens eat poodle poop. It’s not going to happen. You can fuck me in the back of a live showing of Rocky Horror but I am not watching that…shit!”

During this conversation, such as it was, Spike and Buffy had both waded into the small grouping of demons. Buffy was trying to use her stake to kill them but it was almost as if they were armor plated and deflected the blows. Spike was getting on a bit better with his short sword but not by much, and Xander was trying to watch both their backs, using a bat that he’d brought with him to knock demons off them when they tried to climb up their legs or onto their backs.

After he knocked one away from Spike’s head, his lover grinned at him. “Thinking more along the line of Attack of the Killer Tomatoes than that movie, luv, but I’ll keep it in mind. The fucking during the Time Warp that is. Should be fun. We can go into LA next weekend; should be a midnight showing somewhere or other.”

Xander grinned. “It’s a date!”

“Will you two stop fooling around?” Buffy sounded pissed off and Xander had to grin. The clue bus had run her over and she hadn’t even realized it yet.

“We’re not fooling around, Slayer! It takes at least one of us to have our pants unzipped for us to be fooling around. We’re still in the foreplay stage, as of yet.”

“Spike, do we ever leave the foreplay stage?”

“Haven’t yet, pet. Everything we do is bloody foreplay.”

“Oh, good. Long as I'm clear.” Xander used his bat like a golf club and sent one demon away from Buffy’s leg and into the frozen foods aisle. “Damn it, now I have that song stuck in my head!”

“The foreplay song? Do we even have a foreplay song, pet?”

“NO! The theme to Killer Tomatoes. Except I’m hearing that one and the one for Killer Kumquats too. I remember that cartoon, and they actually had one with Kumquats and it was weirder than normal.” Xander paused. “And they had a quite sort of stuttering girl name Tara that turned into a tomato when you threw pepper on her. I wonder…”

“Xander, luv, contemplate Red’s Tomato later. Be a pet and go into the Health aisle and get some Mylanta. These little buggars are acid based, so let’s see what happens when we put antacid on them.”

Xander nodded and ran towards the other half of the store, humming under his breath. He grabbed an empty cart and started throwing bottles of ulcer meds in with both hands, trying to hurry.

And the damned song wouldn’t leave him alone! He hated it when he got a song stuck in his head.

“Oh, isn't it pretty frightening. Tomatoes eating the city! Can no-one stop these mutant fruits, where will we find our brave recruits? Can Wilbur ever get rid of that dumb parachute? Tomatoes! Tomatoes! Tomatoes!”

“Xander, love of my unlife and favorite fuck, stop that before I have to hurt you.”

Xander shrugged in apology and threw a couple of bottles to both Spike and Buffy. “Sorry, Spike.”

“That’s okay, but you’ll have to soothe me later, luv. While not on the level of Angelus’s singing, you’re awfully damn close.”

The next few minutes were spent trying to catch the little Kumquat demons, or whatever the hell they were, and pouring Mylanta on them, whereupon they would bubble and start to melt.

“They’re melting! They’re melting! What a world!”

Spike grinned at him. “Pet, do you ever get brain whiplash? I mean, come on, luv. Your brain can switch tracks fifty times a minute, and doesn’t that hurt?”

Xander just shrugged as the last demon melted. “I got used to it a long time ago. Hey! Do you think that’s what my special talent is? I mean, everyone has one thing that they do really well; maybe that’s mine!”

Spike pulled him into a loose embrace. “Could be that, or it could be that thing you do with your tongue when you're sucking me off. Bloody marvelous, that is. In over a hundred years I never knew anyone whose tongue was double jointed, and that’s including some demons I know!”

Xander leaned in for a kiss, determined to use his special talent again. He was so into Spike that he didn’t hear the screeching sound coming from behind him until Spike pulled him away and gave him a little shake.

He turned around, and if anyone outside of cartoons could have steam coming out of their ears, it would be Buffy at that very moment. Spike pulled him closer and Xander complied and put an arm around his lover’s neck. Now maybe Buffy would stick to Riley and leave his Spike alone.

“You’re…you’re really together? As in gay?” They both nodded. “Spike, I can’t believe you’re a damn fairy!!”

Xander gave an indignant snort. Again with the slight put down.

Spike growled. “Do you see any flipping wings on my back, Slayer? No, you fucking well don’t! I’m a vampire, not a fairy!! If anything, I pull the little wings off sprites and use a magnifying glass on them like they were ants.”

Buffy huffed again and Xander held up a hand. “Enough, Buffy! Giles knows, Willow knows. Hell, everyone knows but you! Get over it, already. And quit flirting with my boyfriend! I can’t help it if Riley couldn’t give you an orgasm even if he had a flashlight and a map to your clit, because you and Spike is not going to happen!”

“You tell her, luv. Come on, we’ve got to get home before the sun comes up. I’m sure Blossom here won’t mind doing a clean up in the produce section.” Spike took him by the hand and Xander happily followed.

“Can we get some snacks on the way out, you think? We’re out of Twinkies at home.”

“We’ll stop somewhere else, pet. Not sure I want to eat anything from this place; it’s bloody well infested. Besides, hasn’t anyone told you that you are what you eat?”

Xander tried his best to leer at his lover. “In that case, Spike, we’d better stop for a foot long hot dog because I have plans for you when we get home!”


~~The End~~