Puzzled: A Very Confusing Spander Bad!fic

I do not claim to own any of the characters; I just like to play with them. I am but a poor office clerk without two pennies to rub together and I make NO money from writing any fanfic. So, suing me would be pretty pointless and I would cry.


Xander looked up at the cock and sighed. “How much longer?” he whined.

“Just hang on, would you! I’m nearly done!”

“You said that half an hour ago.”

“Well, these things take time, luv. Rome wasn’t built in a day, you know?”

“Really? Was it built in four decades? Because that’s how long I’ve been waiting for you to finish.”

“Don’t exaggerate, pat. It’s only been an hour or so.”

“Yeah, an hour of watching you try to finish some boring jigsaw puzzle.”

“You could help!”

“Don’t want to. You’ve done everything except the sky. I hate the sky. It’s all blue and the pieces never fit.”

“They do fit. You’ve just gotta have the right brian for it.”

“I have got the right brian!”

“No, you’ve got the sort of brian that knows when the milk’s about to turn, or when the plants need a good watering. Me? I’ve got the logical brian. These puzzles don’t stand a bloody chance.”

Xander frowned at his lover and at the box of puzzle pieces that were keeping him from a date with a deep pan double pepperoni pizza. He hobbled back over to the couch and adjusted his crotch. Damn broken leg.

“Sore, is it?” Spike asked.

“Yeah.”

“That’ll teach you to try and kick a fifteen foot arz’ban’dit demon in backside. You’re lucky you didn’t lose your whole leg.”

“Well, you could have warned me about the suction.”

“Didn’t give me a chance, did you? Wading in there, legs flying. Thank fuck you didn’t try to headbutt it.”

“Auw, you would have saved me.”

“’Course! But what about those sodding vamps that attacked right after?! Lot of use you would have been with your head stuck up a demon’s jaxie.”

“Hey, I was armed.” Xander lovingly petted his crossboy. “I can shoot with my eyes shut, you know. Perfect aim.”

“Oi! You gotta be careful with a crossboy. One wrong twang, and it’s bye, bye, vampire lover.”

“I know!”

Xander huffed and so did Spike.

“Did you notice Buffy and Giles getting all cozy again?” Xander asked after a full minute of sulking.

“Yep. Bloody rude. I mean, I know they’re shagging, but, fuck, there’s a time and a plaice for it.”

“You really thing they’re doing the nasty?”

“Don’t you?! All that sneaking about? Damn fishy. Yep, no trout about it. They’re definitely shagging.”

“Oh, cod! I’m not sure if I should be pleased for them or just disgusted.”

“Wankers.”

“Mm. Willow hasn’t been about much.” Xander’s tone was sad and hurt.

Spike rolled his eyes and prayed to cod that his lover would stop being such a pansy. “She’s just been busy, luv. She and Tara have really hit it off. Make a nice pair of thespians, they do.”

“Yeah, you’re right. I like Tara. She’s a really powerful bitch, you know. Not as powerful as Willow. But I bet she could really put the mojo on someone.” Xander paused to have a deep and serious thought. “I wish I was a bitch.”

“Yeah? Want to put a spell on me?” Spike asked in the most seductive tone he could manage. He didn’t manage it very well. It really was hard to be sexy when you were choking on a piece of jigsaw puzzle.

Xander ignored him and carried on. “It would be so cool. I could magic us breakfast in the morning so that we could stay in bed and cuddle. Then I could magic a beautiful thunderstorm; it would be so romantic.”

Spike spat out the offending and potentially deadly piece of puzzle. “Don’t put that in your mouth!” he quickly warned Xander.

Xander ignored him again. “And then I could magic us champagne and chocolate…”

“And some lube. We’ve run out. And how about…” Spike choked again. Sodding puzzle!

Xander frowned and slapped Spike on the back. An object flew from cold, dead, yet sensuous lips and landed on Xander’s plastered leg.

“What’s this?” Xander asked holding up the piece of half masturbated puzzle. He put it in his mouth. And choked.

Spike ignored him.

After Xander turned decidedly blue and keeled over sideways, Spike thought it might be time to call an ambulance. Unfortunately, he accidentally called the florist. Three floral arrangements complete with pink ribbons and a miniature teddy bear turned up and luckily the delivery boy knew how to perform the hymen manoeuvre.

Xander recovered in seconds and he gave the delivery boy a really good tip. “Be careful when you open umbrellas indoors because you might take someone’s eye out.”

The delivery boy was pleased with this and in return he left an extra posy.

“Are you done with that puzzle yet?” Xander asked. He was a little scared of it now.

“Yeah, reckon so, pet. Shall we hit The Hut?”

“Oh, yes! But it’s raining outside, so you get our goats and I’ll get my waterproof crotch.”

“Good idea, luv. I know you hate it when your wood gets all wet.”

“Yeah, it expands and I can’t handle it too well.”

Spike hurried to the closet and then back to Xander, handing him his goat. “Need a hand with it?” he asked.

“Could you? Just grab my crotch for a second while I pull the goat over my shoulders. That’s it. Oh, hell, now my arm’s stuck.”

“Bloody hell! You always get your arm stuck in that bloody goat! That’s it; I’m buying you a new one.”

Xander’s eyes glistened. He was wearing contact lenses and he’d used too much solution. “A leather one?”

“A leather goat? Yeah, why not. You deserve it, sweet.”

“Great! So, pizza now?”

“On one condition.”

“What?”

“No bloody Gaelic bread!”

The Beginning…erm, End.