Love Unspoken

Title: Love Unspoken
Author: Rowaine (rowained@yahoo.com)
Rating: FRT
Pairing: Spike/Xander
Warnings: teensy bit of angst, some mild schmoop
Summary: A glance at Xander's life, loves and heartbreaks... as told from Spike's POV.
Author's Notes: Written for crazydiamondsue's Music of Pain ficathon. My song of choice belongs to the delightful Randy Travis - "Somewhere in My Broken Heart" (lyrics at end).
*** Not beta'd, nor even spell-checked! Please be kind.***


He was just a young pup when Angelus first offered his neck as a Sire's gift to me. Still wet behind the ears, panting after the Slayer and lusting over Red on alternate Tuesdays. Throw in a few other crushes, more time spent wanking than breathing, and the occassional hardon caused by linoleum (his words, not mine!) and you've got what I first recall of one Xander Harris.
Had the makings for a decent looking bloke though, all things considered. Would probably cause more than his fair share of damp knickers soon enough. Dark hair and smokey eyes... always liked that combination. Still, was with Dru then, yeh? Didn't waste more than the odd moment thinking about how luscious he'd taste beneath me.

Next time I saw him, he'd definitely filled out. Grown into his skin, like they say. But that hang-dog look around his eyes made my poor heart ache for him. Barmy chits he's surrounded by don't seem to see how much they hurt him, just from passing him over for the sports freaks or guitar-toting werewolves.
Looks like he'd gotten a little for himself though -- just never seemed like he was happy with her. Former vengeance demon? *snerk* How do you turn human after a millenium of enacting vengeance on mortal men? And how exactly was she supposed to *love* one of those mortals, when all she knew was how to hurt them?

Another year down the road, he's still with her. Or rather, he's still on her leash. And a tight one it is too. She barely allows him to maintain contact with his beloved Scoobies.
Too late for me to make a move now, innit? If I'd known my Dark Princess was going to do a runner, I'd've made sure to mark Puppy Boy long ago. As it is, wouldn't be safe now. For him or me.

Whole world's falling to hell in a handbasket, except one thing: Watcher sends me to live with my boy. It's a mixed blessing. Loads of time to watch him, smell him, feel the air warm up by his presence... but almost as much time spent listening to the harpy (scuze me, his girlfriend), and those two wastes of space upstairs.
Without my fangs, I'm stuck. His smart mouth helps drag me back from suicide -- keeps me thinking and feeling and reacting. Don't guess he knows what he's doing. Probably wouldn't keep doing it if he did.

After that damned love spell, it's hard to remember how my boy smells half the time. Not like he gives me much of a chance to renew my memory. He's always out with the bint, getting ready for the biggest mistake of his life. And I'm having to dodge more blows from the Slayer -- for some reason, she seems to think I've got a thing for her still. Might do some good to let her think it. Only wishful thinking that it'd make him jealous though.

Ah, my lovely lad's a free man again! Granted, he hates me more than ever, but it's a small price to pay. Can change hate to love easy enough... just had to get rid of the demon chit first. With her out of the way, I'm free to make whatever moves won't get me staked.
Would be nice if he wasn't Captain Oblivious when a bloke makes a pass at him.

Faced alot of horrors in the past century, but this latest mess ranks up in the top five. One step below Angel running out of hair gel. Fight-or-flight instinct's urging me to get the hell out of Sunnydale, but I can't let my boy down. Again. Didn't move fast enough to prevent him losing an eye, but at least he's still breathing, right?
Had enough breath on him to take mine away, what with his "Gay me up, Willow" speech! Thought all my dreams'd come true for a minute. Then he laughed nervously and scuttled away, tail between his legs. Wouldn't even look at me for weeks after.
Caught up with him just before putting on that damned amulet and gave him my best goodbye. Only took him a minute to catch up and return the kiss. Gotta admit, my boy has some serious native talent! Went to my final death sporting my own version of non-lethal wood. Talk about going out with a smile on your face.

Was more a shock to me than him when I caught up with him three years later. He'd heard about me ghosting up at W&H, but not much after that. Apparently they'd had a few crises of their own with the new Council. Didn't stop him from bloody near crushing my ribs in a hug -- and you'll never hear a complaint from me.
My Xan tells me that he spent months after Sunnydale's finale in a stew over our one kiss. Couldn't bring himself to date anyone! But he spent some quality time with the internet's vast collection of porn and 'marital aids' trying to figure out if he could explore that side of himself. Told me that, no, he really couldn't... unless he pictured me as the other bloke. Made me feel all warm and fuzzy, he did.
Guess it's true what they say: If you love something, set it free. If it's meant to be yours, it'll surely return. Not like he was mine before, but now that I've got him, he'll be mine til the end of time.

You made up your mind it was time it was over
After we had come so far
But I think there's enough pieces of forgiveness
Somewhere in my broken heart
I would not have chosen the road you have taken
It have left us miles apart
But I think I can still find the will to keep going
Somewhere in my broken heart
So fly, go ahead and fly
Untill you find out who you are
'Cause I will keep my love unspoken
Somewhere in my broken heart
I hope that in time you will find what you long for
Love that's written in the stars
And when you finally do I think you will see it's
Somewhere in my broken heart