Why I Stay

-----Disclaimer: I own Nothing. Wish I did but I don't. Mr. Joss owns these characters.----

~Why I Stay~

Xander sat in his room staring off into space. He'd been sitting that way for hours just pondering... thinking. It was so late and he should have gotten some sleep. But he didn't feel like sleeping, not anymore.

Deep within him he was crying, but he was unable to shed any physical tears. There was something he was
waiting for, and the waiting was killing him inside. He was depressed.

Every night for the past two months he sat in his bed, all the lights shut off, the room swallowed in
darkness. And every night the same thoughts would cross his mind. He would sit there and want it to end. For life to end.

Why did he feel this way? It all started five months earlier.
* * *
Buffy had been dead for almost a year and life as he knew it was shattering into little pieces around him.

For the most part all Hellmouth activities were the same. The vampire population was kept down and they would kill any demons wreaking havoc that week.

But then Giles left. They had lost an essential member of the group, the father figure, and it crippled them. At first there seemed to be no difference. They had done just as well as before. But without Giles it just wasn't the same.

They began making careless mistakes. A few vampires weren't dusted, a few demons weren't slain. It was in small amounts at first. But then it got out of hand.

He had been optimistic and thought it would get better. That it was just minor mistakes and they'd kill the demons because they always won. It always got better for them.

But it didn't get better. A few vampires turned into many and that's when the fight had intensified. Things weren't as easy as they once were and every night on patrol they'd get hurt a little more, to the point where they patrolled every other night instead of every night.

It became too much and they weren't going to be able to hold down a Hellmouth all by themselves. If Buffy had been there, if she were still alive, then it would be possible.

But she wasn't there anymore. They couldn't lean on her as a crutch. That in and of itself should have been what drove them away from the Hellmouth. But they didn't leave.

Willow would go on and on about how it's what Buffy would have wanted. They should hold down the Hellmouth, that it was their duty to her. But he knew that it was bull. Buffy wouldn't have wanted them to hold the Hellmouth, not at the cost of their lives.

But Willow had been persistent. She convinced them that they could do it. So they did.

Months of demon fighting and no results had weakened their resolve. Anya was the first to crack. It wasn't the Hellmouth either, it was him. She told him that he was afraid to commit. That they could be dead by tomorrow and he should get it over with and tell everybody they were engaged. But it wasn't that simple for him.

Marriage was a forever deal and if they had done it, gotten married, he would have wanted it to be at the right time and for the right reasons. Not because they were going to die.

He tried to tell her that but she wouldn't have it. She told him that he was delusional to think that she would just wait around for him to make up his mind. That he had the courage to stay and fight a losing battle but not the courage to commit to her.

So she packed her things and left.

It was hard to get over it, he'd been devastated; but he managed. With Willow, Tara, and little Dawn he felt that he could do it. He could get over it and move on, at least for them.

But their fight against the evils of the Hellmouth hadn't improved. They were still losing, but they
continued. Willow practiced spells, ones that would make herself stronger, maybe even stronger than Buffy.
If it worked then they might have been able to actually control the Hellmouth. So Willow practiced every single day.

But she had become addicted to the magicks. They had seen a change in her personality and at times she became dangerous. They had tried to get her to stop and she quit for a while.

Then it all went to hell.

Tara had been hurt on patrol. She nearly died. It drove Willow off the deep end and she abused her
craft. Going on a rampage through Sunnydale she slaughtered more than half the demon population.

That should have been a good thing. But it wasn't because she wasn't Willow anymore and she began targeting humans. She passed judgment on those whom she thought evil. It wasn't right and she had nearly passed the point of no return. There was nothing they could do to stop her.

That's when Giles had come back. Together they managed to get to Willow, reach the person inside. He thought things were going to be OK. Giles was back and Willow was fine. They could get through it and everything would be as it was before.

But it wasn't.

Giles took Willow with him back to England.

His excuse?

The way he had put it Willow would never be OK. She needed to learn to deal with the power within her. When she learned to control it and stop using black magick then she would be able to come home.

Tara left with her.

The whole situation had crushed his spirit. His family, his life, it was all gone. All he had left was Dawn.

Tara and Giles had convinced him to take care of her. They would send money and leave the Buffybot with him. He had no idea how to raise a child. But Dawn was already in her teens, she was smart, and he loved her. There was no way he'd say no.
* * *
"HELLO! I'm home luv."

He heard the front door slam and he knew his wait was over. Spike was home.
* * *
That was something he had to get used to real fast. Spike was attached to Dawn. The vampire had promised Buffy that he'd take care of her so he had to accept the vampire into his life.

At first he didn't like it. He didn't like Spike. But there was nothing he could do, the vampire was an asset to him.

Patrolling still needed to be done and he wasn't strong enough to do it by himself. So every night Spike and him would go out and patrol. It wasn't and isn't as bad as it used to be. Since Willow demolished the demons of Sunnydale the town has been relatively safe.

Despite the fact that things were looking up he still couldn't deal with it. He felt alone.

And every night he would wonder why he stayed. Why he stayed alive. He laughed because he made it sound like he could just pack up from his life and leave. Perhaps return someday. But he was looking for a more permanent solution for his problem.

Dawn was the only thing that concerned him.

But she had Spike. Spike would be there.

One night he had been sitting alone in his room. Joyce's old room now his. And he thought about everything. He couldn't take it. Buffy left. Giles left. Anya, Willow, Tara, they all left him. There was nothing worth living for.

He found a blade in the weapons cabinet. He stared at it for hours and wondered what it would feel like sinking into his wrists. How long it would take for his life to be extinguished from the earth. That's when he had made up his mind.

One night he had been left home by himself. Dawn was spending the night at one of her friends, and he was
glad she wouldn't be there to find his body.

He lit a few candles, nothing special, and placed them in a form of a circle in the center of his room. The blade lay neatly in his hands and he tested it, cutting shallow slashes in his palm. When he was satisfied that the blade would cut neatly he prepared himself mentally.

He had been in such a deep trance that he hadn't heard Spike come in. He hadn't heard the vampire open the
door to his room. He didn't notice until Spike rushed to him and held him down.

He struggled against the vampire. Spike had straddled his chest and pinned his arms above his head. He pleaded with Spike to let him do it, let him end it. But Spike wouldn't let go, the vampire refused to let him take his own life.

What he remembered then seemed like a blur. But he did remember a lot of tears. He remembered that Spike had held him close and that he cried all night in the vampire’s arms.
* * *
Spike walked into the dark room and hovered over the slumped body sitting at the corner of the bed.

Xander felt the bed dip from behind and strong arms wrap around his waist. He could feel Spike's muscular chest as the vampire held him tight.

"Xan – Pet. I wish you'd turn on the lights. S' not healthy for you to do this every night."

Mentally he laughed at himself because it was true. Every night it was the same. Spike would come back, offer him comfort and he would always accept. There was nothing he wouldn't do for Spike. Spike was his everything. He was the reason why he woke up in the morning. But there was always that question – Why? Why do we continue?
* * *
Spike and him had spent almost every waking moment with each other after his attempted suicide. They went on patrol the same as usual, but the vampire had become protective of him.

At some point Spike and he had been sharing a bed. There was nothing going on but it was the only thing that kept him sane. Spike would hold him in his arms and he would sleep with the vampire wrapped around
him. In those strong undead arms he felt safe. The thoughts of suicide would go away and he would be able to sleep comfortably.

But one night he hadn't gone on patrol. He was left home by himself again. He wandered through the house and every photograph, every image and memories of his former family were brought back, along with that feeling that he was completely alone.

He remembered grabbing the blade again. He remembered that whole night. In the bathroom with the lights on he had stared at the blade for hours. He waited for Spike. If the vampire didn't come home by morning then he would do it. He couldn't deal with more people leaving him. The blade was his comfort against the darkness.

Luckily Spike had come home. The vampire had come to the bathroom and they stared each other in the eyes
for a long moment. He had the blade in his hands and Spike stared at him, the vampire’s eyes warning him not to do it.

What happened next would be forever etched in his mind and would stay in his heart until the day he died.

Tears had flooded his eyes and Spike had crossed the threshold and grabbed hold of him. He remembered Spike holding him close telling him that it was going to be OK, that he wouldn't be alone again.

Then they kissed.

It was slow, comforting, and warm. He had never felt anything like the vampires mouth and he had hoped to never be apart from him ever again. That night they had made love for the first time, and every night
since they made love.
* * *
This is how it started every night. Spike would do as he was doing now and kiss up and down his neck. The vampire’s erection pressed firmly against his back and he rubbed against it, feeling the excitement of his lover.

His head turned and he twisted his neck so that Spike could reach his mouth. Their lips pressed together and they softly kissed, enjoying the feel of each other. Then tongues came into play and Spike would thrust his tongue into Xander's mouth, dominating the kiss.

It didn't bother him that Spike was the dominate one. He didn't feel strong enough. Spike had become his strength and he would let the vampire control his entire being, command every movement.

As long as he wasn't alone. As long as he didn't have to ask himself why he stayed. Because that's what he asked himself every night. Why do I stay? At some point he knew he would know. But he could never be sure. Never sure when he was going to reach for that blade again. Never sure when the thoughts would come back. But somehow he found the answer every night.

Spike reached his hands under his shirt and played with his nipples. The vampire pulled and twisted the sensitive nubs between his fingers. This action plus the kiss made Xander impossibly hard. Spike sensed his complete arousal and parted their lips. The vampire guided him to lay his entire body flat, spread across the entire length of the bed. Then Spike was on him again, devouring his mouth, rubbing
his hard erection against Xander's own.

Soon they were naked, cloths tossed to the floor. Spike grabbed a tube of lube from the nightstand and
prepared him quickly. One, two, then three lubricated digits entered him and he gasped in pleasure as his lover stretched him. The fingers drove deeper and hit his prostate. The feeling was so good that he thrust back several times before they were removed.

The only time he ever felt complete was when Spike was inside him, burrowed deep within the warmth of his
body.

"Spike," he gasped as the vampire entered him in one long stroke.

"Xander... Luv... Relax," Spike whispered in his ear.

He was always eager, wanting the vampire to go deeper, pound harder. It was reassurance. Spike could never leave him, not while they were connected.

It started slowly and Spike pulled almost all the way out before slowly pushing back in. Bliss was the only word that came to his mind as the vampire impaled him over and over on his hard full length.

"Spike! * Harder *," he screamed and wrapped his legs around the vampires back. Just like the other nights Spike would thrust and pound into him. Each thrust hitting that spot, that sweet spot which sent a jolt of electricity throughout his body causing screams of ecstasy to escape his lips.

Soon the thrusts became animalistic and Spike set a furious pace. The room would begin to echo with the sounds of thumping as Spike pulled his erection almost all the way out and then thrust back in with punishing force.

That alone was enough to make him come. But it wasn't time.

They were so close, nearing the end. Spike's fist wrapped around his erection and jerked it with the same unrelenting force in which he was pounding into him.

Screaming each others names they both came. Spike deep within him, and him over Spike's hand.

Just like every night they never parted. Spike remained inside him and they wrapped their arms around one another – a lover’s embrace.

Penetrating sapphire eyes stared into chocolate brown.

"I love you Xander," Spike said and laid gentle kiss on his temple.

And that was heaven. Wrapped in Spike's arms in the afterglow of their love making, he wasn't alone. He was safe. Comforted. Home.

"I love you Spike. Always."

And that's why he stayed.

~End~