Against My Better Judgement

Warning: Major angst, no happy ending, flashback to character deaths.
Spoilers: Post Not Fade Away
Disclaimer: I don't own them, I'm just playing around for a little while.
Distribution: My sites, http://www.geocities.com/jessie53067/, Aaron-Lisa, UCSL any one else whoe has permission from me, otherwise just ask.
Thanks: To the wonderful Ely Jan who beta-ed for me. This fic would be *horrible* if it wasn't for her.

***
There was a flash of light and then Lindsey felt himself falling. It seemed to go on forever and then suddenly he was slamming into something cold and hard. Groaning, he stood up and looked around. He was in the Hyperion. Everything was covered in dust, thick layers of dust. Almost as if it had been empty for decades and not just the year or so that Angel had been in control of Wolfram and Hart. The windows were boarded up and everything had a faint smell of mildew. Some of the floorboards were torn up, others broken in. The whole place had an abandoned feeling that made Lindsey feel cold all over.

Deciding that he had had enough, he headed towards the doors, only to notice that they too had been boarded up. It wasn't hard to get through though, most of the door was missing, broken in from the outside.


*Flashback*

"Board up the doors and windows, use anything you can," Angel told them as he secured the back door.

They had fled to the Hyperion. They were outnumbered and Wolfram and Hart's demons weren't getting tired, but they were. Gunn had been stabbed in the stomach, they couldn't stop the bleeding. Illyria had been the first one killed, decapitated within the first five minutes of the fight. As she fell to the ground, the blue tinge faded and it was just Fred again, dead on the cold unforgiving pavement.

"Angel, they're breaking through, it's not going to hold!" Spike called as he tried in vain to keep the doors shut against the thousands of monsters trying to get to them.

Angel looked around in horror; they had no chance. Gunn was bleeding to death before his very eyes and was obviously having trouble keeping himself standing. Spike, the last of his line and only family he had left, was fighting a loosing battle against an army from hell, literally.

The barricade broke and the demons flooded in. Spike moved back, drew his sword, and continued to fight. Gunn tried to do the same, but was stabbed before he could draw his weapon. Then Spike was flying through the air, landing on the front desk. Angel watched, immobile in disbelief, as a demon lunged forward and staked Spike as he jumped up from the desk.

"Angel?" Spike asked in confusion, his eyes begging for answers, as he turned to dusk.

*End Flashback*


Before he started through the broken door, Lindsey noticed dark stains on the floor near where the circular couch used to be. Moving towards them, he saw that there were several drops surrounding one large stain. Lindsey shuddered as he realized that the stain could only be one thing. Blood.

"Those definitely weren't there before. What the hell happened here?" He asked, kneeling down to get a better look at the stains.

Lindsey jumped as he heard something scuttle across the floor. As he turned around, Lindsey pulled out the dagger he had stashed in his boot before Lorne had shot him. Frowning, he made a mental note to find (and *kill*) Lorne.

"What are you doing here? You're not allowed. You don't have the authorization. Only the CEO has access to be here," an obviously insane, yet horribly familiar, voice said from the pitch black corner behind Lindsey.

Turning around again, Lindsey tried to locate where the voice was coming from. "Who are you? What are you doing here?"

"I'm the CEO. I have authorization. Do-do you have authorization? Only people with authorization can-can be here. I-I don't think you have authorization. Where's your authorization?"

Cool terror and burning hot rage simultaneously swept through Lindsey as he finally recognized the voice. Angel. How he had come to be here, like this? Terrified, the possibilities filled Lindsey with even more terror. Suddenly the realization that the who vampire had, in fact, framed Lindsey and gotten him...what *had* he gotten him? Killed? No, he was here right now and the fact that he had moved the door proved that he wasn't a ghost. Shot then? No, he wasn't in any pain and, Lindsey looked down to be sure, nope, he wasn't bleeding. Lindsey shook his head, he didn't have time to think about this right now.

"A-Angel?" he asked, stepping forward to get a better look. It was to his horror, not his pleasure as he would have thought, that he saw Angel.

Everyone was dead. Doyle had fallen first, then Cordelia; both dying for the cause. Then Fred, taken over by Illyria. Wesley had died honoribly, his heart too broken to go on. Then Lindsey, killed on his order, when he was trying to finally do the right thing. Then Illyria; the fact that she haunted him confused him more than why he was haunted by Lindsey. Gunn stabbed to death in a fight he never should have been a part of. Spike, dusted before he could fulfil his destiney. Then Lorne, killed because he had returned to fight the good fight. And finally Connor, killed right in front of him.

Their faces, their pain, had consumed him, until he had become this-- insane, filthy, and as thin as a board. He couldn't remember the last time he fed, sometime before the final battle he assumed.


*Flashback*

Before the shock of Spike's death could sink in, the back door burst open.

"Angel here!" Lorne threw Angel an axe. One of the demons lunged at him and Angel killed it without thinking. He saw Connor, charging headlong into battle, reminding him too much of Spike, but he still couldn't move from where he was.

Lorne, deciding that he couldn't just leave Angel and the others to their fate, had found Connor and asked to him help. He didn't even think about the fact that they both could be killed. So he fought in an uncharacteristic like fashion as he tried to work through the emotions he was dealing with over killing Lindsey.

All Angel could see was blood. Covering Lorne as he charged through any demon that got in his way. Splattering Connor as he tore them to shreds, using his sword, his hands, and whatever objects he could find lying around. But still, he could not move.

A final scream sounded out as Lorne was killed, his chest torn open by a demon with daggers for arms. He fell to his knees, by no means dead. First his head fell, then his arms, and finally his legs. It was almost as if the demon knew exactly what he had to do in order to actually kill Lorne.

Connor turned, momentarily distracted by Lorne's scream. One of the larger demons took advantage of this by, running up and stabbing Connor through the heart. He died almost instantly, but, as his body turned around before finally falling forward, his eyes seemed to burrow deep into Angel's soul, wanting to know why he hadn't saved him.

And still, Angel did not move.

But instead of coming after him and finishing the job, the demons turned away. They left, walking out the front doors, and then vanishing.

*End Flashback*


Lindsey started to move towards Angel but stopped when the vampire started screaming. He wasn't saying anything and it wasn't a scream of pain, he was just screaming. It was almost as if the thought of having anyone near him was the most terrifying thing in the world.

"Angel, it's me, Lindsey," he said, trying to calm Angel down. 'Oh yeah Lindsey, tell him you're someone he believes to be dead, good one.' Lindsey mentally glared at his thoughts and told them to shut up.

The insanity seemed to clear from Angel's eyes for a moment as Angel looked up at Lindsey. "Lindsey? How is this possible? You're supposed to be dead."

"Yeah, I'm a bit confused by that myself. What are you doing here?" Lindsey asked, deciding he didn't want to try and debate why he was back with Angel.

Angel's eyes glazed over again, all sanity lost. "You don't have authorization to be here! You and your bulldogs have to leave! Now! No dogs allowed in the building!"

Lindsey looked around, wondering where these "bulldogs" were. "You know what? I don't need this. Fuck you Angel."

"You can't talk to me like that! I'm the CEO! I'm the CEO!" Angel yelled, and then curled up into a ball, muttering," I'm the CEO. I'm the CEO."

As Lindsey climbed back out through the broken door he was shocked by what he saw. The once flourishing and popular street was now lined with broken down warehouses and burnt out buildings. Even though the sun was out, it seemed dank and cold. The only thing that looked habitable was the gas station at one end of the street and butcher shop at the other.

"Oh well, isn't that convenient?" Lindsey asked himself sarcastically as he started to piece things together. He looked up at the sky and screamed, "No! I'm not going to nurse your insane psychopath of a champion back to heath! He had me *KILLED*! And you expect me to just forgive and forget because you brought me back to life? Well you know what? Fu-" Lindsey screamed as white light filled his vision and something that felt like a bomb went off in his head.

"Look, you no good, cowardly, little dip-shit," a female voice boomed, "you *are* going to help Angel, whether you like it or not. So put your petty differences behind you and peddle your cute ass back into that hotel."

"Cordelia? Is that you?" Lindsey asked, wondering if this was just another way for the Powers to torture him.

Cordelia's form appeared in front of him, scowling. "Wow, good job. Now get back there and help him!"

"Why should I? You know, if this is such a big deal, then why don't *you* go in and help him?"

Sighing, Cordelia rolled her eyes and adopted a very patient tone as if she were talking to a child. "Because *I'm* not the one who needs redemption."

"Okay, say that I agree to this, which I'm not, can I at least get some answers?" Lindsey asked, already knowing he didn't have a choice.

"Sure, ask away," Cordelia answered readily, knowing that he was going to do what she had told him to.

"Where, no *when*, am I? And what's with inane-o boy in there?" he asked, motioning to the entrance of the hotel.

"You're about 50 years in the future from when you last remember. Wesley was killed on his mission and Illyria, Gunn, and Spike died in the final battle. Then Lorne and Connor showed up and got killed too. Angel's gone insane with grief," she said, giving him the short and ugly version of the battle.

"Okay, two more. How come Angel didn't get killed and what do you mean by 'when I last remember'?"

"Before Angel could be killed, the PTB cast a protection spell around him. The Senior Partners can't sense him and neither can their demons.

"When I said when you last remember, I meant just that. You remember being killed by Lorne and then, bam, you're here. What you don't remember is the last 500 or so years you spent in hell being tortured by the Senior Partners for betraying them. I thought that it might be easier for you to do this without being, you know, insane from torture and all. Unless you want all your memories from hell, because I *can* do that."

"No, no, that's okay. So pretty much, I have to play babysitter and nurse until he gets better?" Lindsey asked sarcastically.

"Yep, have fun," Cordelia said, disapearing in another flash of white light.

Shaking his head, Lindsey started towards the butchorshop. "I can't believe I'm actually doing this."

***
It had been two months, *two freaking months*, since Lindsey had made his first trip to the butcher shop. He was actually happy to see how well Angel had recovered so far. After having to pin Angel down to feed him his blood for the first couple days, things were steadily getting better. There was some obvious brain damage from being without food for half a century but the steady flow of blood was helping to repair that. Angel didn't suffer from the hunger/insanity induced halucinations as much and was starting to recognize Lindsey. He still had horrible, and vivid, nightmares and was still insane, but to a lesser extent.

Lindsey had actually adapted to this lifestyle and was starting to think of the vampire fondly. Sometimes he would catch himself staring at Angel; admiring his strong jawbone and chiseled features. And when he held the vampire after a nightmare or during a shaking episode, he found himself enjoying the feel of Angel in his arms.

"L-Lindsey?" Angel asked, shocking Lindsey out of his thoughts.

"Angel? Do you recognize me?" he asked, moving closer to the seemingly sane vampire.

"Lindsey, what are you doing here? Killed; I had you killed," Angel said fervently, the glazed look of insanity lurking behind his eyes.

"Yes, I know, but I'm back. To help you. Remember? I've been feeding you," he said, hoping to settle Angel down.

"They're dead, all dead," Angel told him brokenly, just before he burst into tears.

Lindsey gathered the vampire into his arms, as he had done so many times in the last couple of months, to try and calm him. Lindsey gently rocked the sobbing vampire as he hugged him close. Lindsey was happy, in some ways, to see this. Angel's insanity was breaking and he was coming back to the world he had left behind; the memories he had left behind.


*Flashback*

Lindsey re-enterd the hotel still fuming over the conversation, if you could call it a conversation, that he had just had with Cordelia. "Take care of Angel, might as well have just stayed in hell."

Angel started screaming again as Lindsey approached him. "Oh shut up, I'm here with blood. You know, food." Lindsey sighed in annoyance as Angel scooted away from him. "Come on Angel, easy way or hard way?" Angel scooted away from him again as Lindsey got closer. "Hard way."

Without warning, Lindsey pounced. Landing on Angel's torso, Lindsey took advantage of the vampire's weakened state, pinned down Angel's arms with his knees, and forcefed him his blood. First forcing his mouth open, pouring the blood in, and then rubbing his adam's apple until Angel swallowed. He did this until the first two jars were empty; the last three Angel drank willingly.

Groaning, Lindsey got up and went over to the front desk to rest. Angel may have been weakened by not feeding, but he was still easily stronger than an average human and put up one hell of a fight.

Just as Lindsey sat down, Angel burst into tears. Huge gasping sobs, accompanied by shaking fits, took over the vampire.

Lindsey tried to ignore him but, if possible, he only got louder. "Shut the fuck up, you insane asshole!" Lindsey yelled, hating the vampire for making him be there.

After another ten minutes of this, Lindsey broke. Getting up, Lindsey walked over to where Angel was sobbing into his knees. Hating Angel even more for what he was about to do, Lindsey sat down and pulled the vampire roughly into his arms.

*End Flashback*


*Lindsey's POV*

It's been two weeks since the insanity broke and he still seeks comfort from me. I thought that he would push me away, hate me once he remembered.

I disgust myself sometimes, they way I want him. I love having him in my arms; needing me. I love knowing that I'm all that he has, that he has to come to me. But I think that he chooses to, not just because I'm the only one here, but because he wants to.

* * *

*Angel's POV*

I don't know why he's here back with me, but I find myself caring less everyday. I don't know why I find such comfort in his ams when the memories get to be too much for me.

I know that I shouldn't relish in his comfort. He's Lindsey. He's probably only here because he's getting something out of it. But somehow, when I'm in his arms and he's holding me, kissing me, and, I dare hope, wanting me, it doesn't matter.

I need him.

* * *

Lindsey stood, stretching as he did so, and walked over to where Angel was sitting. After the insanity broke, they had moved up to Angel's appartment where it was more comfortable.

"I'm gonna go out for a little while, you gonna be okay without me?" Lindsey asked as he grabbed his coat.

"Yes, I'll be fine. I'm not a child," Angel said defensively, all signs of insanity gone.

"Okay, just don't open any windows while I'm gone," Lindsey joked, heading for the door.

"Hey, Lindsey," Angel asked self-conciously.

"Yeah Angel?"

"When are you gonna be back?"

"In about an hour, two max," Lindsey said, laughing as he left.

***
Lindsey walked into the offices of Wolfram and Hart, as confident as ever. He had decided that this was what he was going to do; he didn't have a choice. The feelings he had developed for Angel were digusting and wrong. The only way to get rid of them was to do this. He was going to give Angel over to the Senior Partners.

He walked right passed the main secretary, not listening as she yelled at him to come back. He hopped on the elevator, knowing that he could get to where he wanted before security got to him.

Walking off the elevator, Linssey rushed towards the CEO's office. He only paused momentarily when the secretary yelled at him. She seemed farmiliar but he couldn't place her. She was platinum blond, skinny, had a thing for pink, and looked like an airhead.

Shaking off the feeling, he walked into the CEO's office and shut and locked the door before the security guards could get in.

"Excuse me, what are you doing in here?" a dark haired man in a business suit asked him as he turned around.

"I'm here to make you a deal," Lindsey said cheerily as he reverted to his lawyer mode.

"Who are you?" the man asked, more alarmed now.

"Lindsey McDonald." The answer got the reaction Lindsey was expecting. This man knew who he was.

"Really? Well, won't the Senior Partners be happy to know that I've got the guy they've been looking for?" he said with a predatory smile.

"I can give you something better than me," Lindsey told him, not liking the smile the other man was wearing.

"I doubt that," he said as he pressed the intercom button, "Harmony, get double the securi-"

"Angel."

The man stopped, wonder and disbelief printed all over his face.

"Boss? Boss, what's going on?" Harmony asked, not knowing why he had stopped.

"Nevermind, call off the security."

"But Bo-" he cut her off, not caring what she had to say.

"What are your terms Mr. McDonald?" he said, purely business like as he sat down again.

"Lindsey," he informed the man as he took a seat. "I want full protection from the PTB and I want the Senior Partners to know that I turned him over. You can take the rest of the credit."

***
Lindsey entered the Hyperion, almost an hour and a half after he had left. He walked upstairs, knowing he only had about five minutes before the Wolfram and Hart team would burst in and take Angel.

As he opened the door to the appartment, he saw Angel jump up. "Hey," he said, not knowing what he should say.

"Hey, you're back," Angel said stupidly, just relieved to have Lindsey back in the apartment with him.

"I'm sorry," Lindsey said, guilt overflowing him, as he rushed forward and kissed Angel before he could say anything.

"Lindsey what was that f-" Angel started to ask as the door burst open and Wolfram and Hart's men rushed in. "Wha-?" Angel looked at Lindsey as he was rushed and tied up. "Lindsey, what's going on?"

Angel started to fight as they hauled him out of the room, but it was too late.

"You did the right thing," the CEO said as he entered the room. "You're back where you belong now."

"Yeah, right where I belong."

***
Lindsey looked around his new office. CEO of Wolfram and Hart, who would have thought? Just for turning in Angel, he had gotten all this.

A tear ran down his face as he thought of Angel. 'I sold my soul for a shiny new office and a five figure salary before. All I had left this time was my heart.'

END