Nine Months Later

Title: Nine months later
Author: Angel Jade and Mametara Iyo
Rating: NC-17
Content: Language, character death, rape and rape issues, self-harm, violencSpoiSpoilers: Season two BtvS
Pairings: Willow/Angelus/Spike, Willow/Spike
Description: Willow is raped by Angelus and Spike. But when she finds out she’s pregnant, she must discover who the father is.
Setting: Season two BtVS, not long before Becoming Pt.1.
Feedback: angel-jade@buffyrocks.co.uk and isolde45@hotmail.com
Distribution: Ask first please.
Disclaimer: Do not own characters that privilege belongs to the Joss Whedon and many other people who have money.

*****

“Stop, please let me go!” Willow cried out, as she struggled against his arm wrapped around her like a vice.

“Shut up or I’ll knock you out, understand?” Spike threatened irritably.

The redhead quietened a bit, but didn’t stop struggling until she was thrown to the floor in the middle of a room. She tried to get up and get away, but Spike kicked her back down.

“Look what I got.” Spike said, proudly.

Angelus looked up from his book and smirked as he saw Willow lay eyes on him. She looked terrified and tried to get up again but Spike just pushed her back down with his foot. “Willow…so nice of you to drop by.”

“Buffy’s gonna…”

Angelus interrupted her before she could threaten the slayers wrath on him. “I’m not interested in Buffy. Tonight, baby. It’s you and me.”

Spike raised his eyebrow.

“And Spike.”

Willow looked up at Spike alarmingly. She made one last attempt at running for it but didn’t even get to her feet before Spike was on her, straddling her hips, an amused look on his face.

“Gotta love it when they struggle.” He grinned.

“Like it better when they scream.” Angelus smiled, walking over and cocking his head to look down at Willow.

“Don’t, I’ll do whatever you want. Please…don’t…” She cried, trying to fight Spike off unsuccessfully.

“But Willow, you want this. You want it as much as I do.” Angelus smirked, pushing Spike off her and kneeling down.

Willow went to sit up but she froze at Angelus’ level and looked at him, trying to stop the tears from falling down her cheeks.

“You’ve wanted Angel since you laid eyes on him…” Angelus told her.

“You’re not Angel.” She whispered.

“I can be.” Angelus replied. “I’m a man of many talents.”

“I’d rather die than touch you.” Willow spat.

Angelus sighed. “I’ll have you screaming my name by the end of the night, Willow.”

“I’d die first.” She swore.

“You might get lucky and do both.” Angelus returned, glancing at Spike. “Take her upstairs and get her ready. Touch her before I give you permission and you’ll regret it, understand?”

Spike nodded bitterly and took Willow away, kicking and screaming.

*****

Angelus finished up downstairs, before walking up to his bedroom. Spike was by Willow’s side, watching her struggle to cover herself. She was naked in a ball on the bed. Spike hadn’t bothered restraining her. The chance of the little girl escaping was pretty slim.

She looked startled as she saw him walk in and looked away as if embarrassed for him to see her like this.

“Don’t go covering yourself.” Angelus said, sweetly as he walked over to the bed.

“Please just let me go.” Willow whimpered.

“But we didn’t get to play yet.” Angelus said, running his hand up her leg. Willow let him, afraid of what he could do if she didn’t.

“Stop it.” She whispered.

“Make me.” Angelus whispered back, leaning over and pushing her down onto her back slowly.

Spike watched with an angry glint in his eye. He’d found her, brought her here and now Angelus was taking her. There wasn’t a single woman Spike could have without Angelus taking her away from him. But he’d pay for it when Spike found the right opportunity.

“Shh, don’t say anything.” Angelus said, silencing Willow with his finger against her lips. His other hand slipped between her legs and moved slowly up her thighs.

Willow began to panic and attacked Angelus with her fists, trying desperately to get away.

Angelus slammed her hands down roughly and snarled. “If that’s the way you want it, that’s fine with me.”

“Let me go!” Willow screamed, but Angelus smiled and continued.

Spike watched as Willow was pinned down and raped by his sire.

“Spike.” Angelus called. “Aren’t you going to join in?” Angelus asked, smirking.

Spike rolled his eyes. He might be hard from watching them fuck, but he didn’t want to get head off the girl while Angelus was fucking her. She’d probably bite it off.

“Now, Spike.” Angelus made it clear it wasn’t an invitation, more of an order.

‘Well in that case…’ Spike thought, sarcastically. He unzipped his black jeans and walked over to Willow’s head. He grabbed her jaw and forced her to look at him. “I feel teeth and you’ll feel pain, got it?”

She nodded, a frightened and horrified look on her face. He forced her mouth open and shoved his cock into her mouth.

Willow felt sick at the thought of what she was doing and could only calm herself down by telling herself it wasn’t her fault.

Despite the attack on her body, the ministrations Angelus was giving her, sent shockwaves of pleasure through her body. Waves she couldn’t control and she could feel something building up inside of her. She felt Spike pull away and wondered why he wasn’t going to come down her throat. She knew that was what was supposed to happen and had been dreading it, but it seemed he had other ideas.

Angelus played with Willow’s clit idly, watching her body tense with a new feeling of bliss. He pulled away and watched as she cried out in disappointment. “Say it, Willow.” He teased.

“Say what?” She asked, tearfully.

“My name.” Angelus whispered.

“A…Angel.” She said, uncertainly.

Angelus shook his head and brushed his finger over her clit to make her beg.

“Angelus.” She said.

“That’s a good girl…now ask me.” He said.

Willow frowned hesitantly. “I…I…”

Angelus played with her a little more, just to get it through to her what it was she was begging for.

“Please! Angelus, please…I need to come.” Willow begged quickly.

Angelus smiled and coaxed Willow to orgasm. Once she was done screaming, he got off her. “Told you you’d scream my name.”

Willow tried to cover herself again, her cheeks burning red as she realised what she’d done. And who with.

“Oh no.” Angelus tutted. “You’re not done yet, baby. Spike needs to finish off. And if you’re real good, I’ll let you go rather than die here tonight.”

Willow shook her head; the thoughts making her brain ache. She buried her head in her hands and tried to will everything away, but Spike’s hands on her forced her back to reality.

Angelus smiled and watched his childe go to work on her. Spike was gentler and tried to make Willow enjoy it more than she had with Angelus. He teased her nipples and kissed her neck making her moan with pleasure.

Angelus moved behind Spike and watched his naked childe with lust in his eyes. It’d been a long time since he’d shared a girl with Spike. Perhaps he should join in a little. Remind Spike who was in charge.

Willow gasped as Spike came inside her and clawed at his arms. He collapsed on the side of her, their limbs tangled together. Angelus took this chance to move to the foot of the bed…

“Lets see what else we can play.” He smiled playfully.

*****

Buffy pushed Willow’s bedroom door open and poked her head in. The moment she saw her friend, she ran in and was by her side in seconds.

“Willow? What happened?”

Willow was a mess. Her clothes were twisted, her hair a mess and there were bruises forming on her face.

“Buffy?” Willow stopped sobbing long enough to look her friend in the eye, before hugging Buffy as hard as she could and letting it all out.

“Willow, please, what happened?” Buffy pleaded, the state of Willow scaring her slightly.

Willow pulled back and sniffed, drying her eyes and forcing down sobs. “N…nothing.” She whispered, knowing the moment she saw her friend she could never explain what had happened. What she’d done. Especially what they’d done.

“Obviously something’s wrong!” Buffy pointed out. “Come on, you can tell me.”

“I…was attacked.” Willow said, hating hiding this from Buffy, but there was no way she could tell her now.

“Angel?”

“N…no. Just a vampire. I…killed it.” Willow lied.

“Oh God Willow, I’m so sorry!” Buffy apologised.

“It wasn’t your fault.” Willow told her.

“I should have been there…if it had have been Angel…God knows what he would have done with you.”

This made Willow start crying again, so Buffy quickly put her arm around her best friend.

“What happened? Did he…”

Willow cut her off quickly. “He just hit me. I killed him before…anything else.”

Buffy didn’t know what to say. She felt responsible. Willow could be dead because she wasn’t protecting her friends well enough. Well that would have to change.

*****
2 months later
*****

Willow paced her room, biting her fingernails. She’d put it off long enough. She had to know before she went insane.

Of course it was impossible. She’d hadn’t…been…with anyone other than…them. There was no way.

There had to be another reason why she was late.

Her alarm clock went off and she grabbed the predictor off the side and froze.

“Oh God…” She muttered, sinking back onto her bed. “No…no, no, no…”

The predictor was positive.

Willow was pregnant.

“No, that’s not possible…it can’t be.” She began to babble to the empty room. She jumped up and ran out the house, heading straight for the shops.

*****

Later that night she looked at the four predictors she’d brought and began to cry. All of them said positive. There was no doubt about it. She was pregnant with a vampire’s baby. Not just any vampire…Angel’s…or possibly Spike’s.

The thought hadn’t occurred to her until now. If she was pregnant…which she was…who the hell was the father?

This was the sort of thing she should take to Giles but how could she? She wouldn’t tell anyone. Since Angelus’ death and Spike’s disappearance, the idea of telling her friends had just got worse. It wasn’t a possibility.

But someone had to know. If she kept this any longer, she was afraid she’d do something stupid.

*****

“Now Willow, we’ve all been very worried about you lately. You’ve been acting rather…well, anxious for lack of a better word.” Giles told her as he passed her a cup of tea.

“I…I've been acting strange. But there’s a good reason. I have to tell you something.” Willow said carefully.

“Go ahead, you know you can always talk to me.” Giles said, comfortingly.

“I’m pregnant.”

This shock registered on Giles’ face and he was speechless.

Willow looked away awkwardly. “I didn’t…I mean I…” This was the part where she told him who the father(s) were. But she couldn’t…there was no way she could look him in the face and tell him how Angelus and Spike had raped her.

“Uh…you’re sure?” Giles asked finally.

Willow nodded, sheepishly.

“And…the, um father?” Giles asked.

“I…I’d rather not say.” Willow said, her fingers twiddling in her lap. She was so nervous she thought she’d pass out.

“I see.” Giles thought for a moment. “How…uh, long have you been…?”

“Two months.” Willow said.

“You…don’t look very pregnant.” Giles commented with great difficulty.

“I’m sure about it Giles. I went to the doctor yesterday…” Willow told him.

“Ah.” Giles nodded. “Buffy?”

“Doesn’t know. No one does and you can’t tell them! I have to work up to it.” Willow said.

Giles nodded. “I won’t tell them a thing, I assure you.”

Willow smiled warmly. “I know.”

“What do you intend to do?” He asked.

“Do?” Willow asked, quietly.

“Well, do you plan on keeping the baby or…”

“I couldn’t…I couldn’t get an abortion.” Willow said, a little emotionally. “I can’t do that.”

“It’s okay. No matter what I’ll support you, you know that.” Giles said, kneeling by her side.

“I just…everyone’s going to be so disappointed.” Willow said.

“No, no they won’t. But you need to tell your parents soon.” Giles advised her.

“I know…I will, I just need to think some more. I…I’m going to go home and think. Thanks Giles.” Willow got up and left as quickly as she could. That had been hard but she couldn’t have asked for him to be any more supportive. She just hoped Buffy and Xander would be as caring.

*****

Buffy walked into the library and saw Willow crying, Xander comforting her and Giles standing by with a grim look on his face. “Uh-oh. Who died?” She asked.

Xander looked at her accusingly. “How’s your boyfriend, Buff?” He asked.

“Uh…Scott? F…”

“No, not Scott, the other one. The evil undead?” Xander asked cruelly.

Buffy froze, looking at Giles for confirmation.

“Xander saw you both.” He said, age oge of coldness to his voice. “How long this has been going on, I don’t know. But the fact is, you didn’t tell any one of us.”

Buffy looked at her feet. “How could I?” She asked.

“I don’t know, maybe that’s not important. Maybe what’s important is that your psycho boyfriend tried to kill us all and now he’s back, you forget to mention anything…” Xander hissed.

Buffy looked away, tears in her eyes. “He’s not Angelus…he has a soul. I…tried to tell you…”

“Great job!” Xander said sarcastically. “Have you seen how upset Willow is?”

Buffy looked at Willow crying and felt a serge of guilt. Her best friend was crying because Angel was back? Willow wasn’t like that…why would she be this upset?

Giles looked at Willow and gave her a look. Buffy couldn’t quite distinguish what it had meant, but it had made Willow cry harder.

“I’m sorry…I…” Buffy walked out, the accusations of her friends becoming too much.

*****

Willow was finally alone with Giles after Xander had left. She knew that he had worked out what had happened.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Giles asked.

“I couldn’t…I still can’t talk about it…” Willow broke off, trying not to start crying all over again.

“Willow, you understand that this is impossible…that it’s…”

“I know. But I swear Giles, I haven’t been with anyone else.” Willow swore.

“I’ll do some research. This must be prophesised somewhere. Vampire’s just don’t have children.” Giles muttered to himself.

“Giles…” Willow took a deep breath. “It wasn’t just Angel.”

“What do you mean?” Giles asked, a knot forming in his throat as he heard the vampire’s name.

“Spike…and Angel…” She couldn’t stop the tears from starting up again as the scenes she’d tried so hard to block out came flooding back.

“God Lord.” Giles exclaimed. “Willow…” He didn’t know how to comfort her.

“They raped me Giles, and now I’m pregnant…and Angel is back…and Buffy’s going to hate me…” Willow paused for a breath between sobs.

“While it is true Angel is back, I assure you that Buffy will not hate you.” Giles told her. “If anything she’ll feel guilty for not protecting you better.”

“I just want this to stop…I can’t do this.” Willow told him.

“It’s not too late.” Giles said. “You still have options.”

Willow shook her head. “Never. I’d die first.”

“I think it would be best if you told Buffy now, before she gets too attached to Angel again. If we catch this at the right time, she’ll kill him for what he’s done to you.” Giles said, a slight vemon to his voice.

Willow’s eyes widened. “It wasn’t Angel, it was Angelus.” She said, stubbornly.

“Willow, they are the same person, vampire.”

“No! Angel would never! That was Angelus.” Willow screamed. Giles looked at her, confused by the sudden outburst. “It was Angelus, it wasn’t Angel. It couldn’t have been Angel…it’s wasn’t…” Willow was back to crying again and Giles put his arm around her. “If it was Angel…then how can I live knowing a friend did this to me?”

“I’m sorry, Willow. I didn’t mean…we’ll talk to Buffy tomorrow.” Giles said softly.

Willow sniffed and nodded. “You’ll stay with me?”

“Of course.” Giles replied.

*****

Buffy sat there, unmoving with welled up eyes. “No…”

“Buffy…I’m sorry…I didn’t mean to…” Willow pleaded, sure Buffy would hate her.

“Oh God how could I let him do this to you? I…Willow, I’m so sorry.” Buffy cried, hugging her friend.

Willow cried tears of relief. “It wasn’t just him…Spike did too. I thought you’d hate me.”

“I’d never hate you. This isn’t your fault. It’s theirs…and mine. I should have been there for you. I should have killed Angel before…” Buffy broke down. “I’m so sorry!”

“Hey, stop crying, you’re making me cry.” Willow said, smiling beneath the tears.

“You’re already crying.”

“I know but you’re making me cry more.” Willow said. Buffy half giggled, half sobbed before hugging her best friend again.

“If you want me to kill him…” Buffy said, her voice uncertain.

Willow pulled back. “I…” She looked at Giles, who was obviously happy with the idea. “I can’t…Buffy, you love him and he’s Angel…it wasn’t his fault…”

“But if he came back…Angelus…” Buffy shook her head. “I won’t let him hurt you ever again.”

“I know.” Willow smiled. “But don’t kill him, it wasn’t his fault.”

Buffy nodded. “Alright.”

“Willow, are you sure you’re going to be alright…if you should bump into him…?” Giles pointed out.

“We’ll deal with that when it happens. For now, I need to talk to Xander.” Willow said.

Buffy sighed. “He won’t listen to reason if you tell him.”

“I know. I was thinking maybe I wouldn’t have to tell him the whole story…just the pregnant bit.”

“Willow, you can’t do that. He’s your best friend, he deserves to know.” Buffy told her.

“Will you make sure he doesn’t go after Angel?” Willow asked.

Buffy looked to the right before answering. “I’ll do my best.”

*****

“I’m gonna kill him.” Xander hissed, heading for the door. Buffy blocked it, her arms crossed. “Get out my way. You may not be able to kill the bastard, but I sure as hell can.”

“Xander no!” Willow begged, pulling him back. “If you love me at all, you’ll listen to me.”

Xander was well beyond listening to reason, but the little voice of his childhood friend managed to get through to him. “Don’t you want him to suffer for this?”

“Angel has a soul now. He’s not Angelus.” Willow told him. “Please, don’t hurt him for something he had no control over.”

Xander rolled his eyes. “He’s gotta pay, Wil.”

“No Xander! Promise me!” She shouted, trying her best to convince him.

Xander looked her in the eyes before looking away. “Fine.”

Satisfied, Willow threw a look at Buffy before walking out.

Xander turned and glared at the slayer. “This is all your fault.”

“I know.” Buffy replied, simply. “Now you have a choice. Blame me, or come with me to kick the crap out of Angel.”

Surprised, Xander frowned. “What?”

“You think I’m going to let him get away with what he did to her? He may have a soul now, but I can’t let this go. I’ll never be able to forgive myself.” Buffy explained. “Are you in or not?”

“But we promised Willow…” Xander began.

Buffy raised her eyebrows.

“Willow never knows.” Xander said, his voice hard. “Lets go.”

*****

Angel paced his room, worried sick about Buffy. She’d promised to come and see him but she was hours late. As soon as the sun set, he’d leave to find her. Even if it meant he might bump into one of her friends.

He heard a noise outside and spun around, relieved to see Buffy…with Xander.

The look on their faces was indescribable. Xander’s face was almost unrecognisable. He threw Buffy a worried look, but she just stood by as Xander stalked up to him and hit him as hard as he could.

Angel stumbled backwards, surprised at the force of the blow. “Buffy?”

“You thought you could hurt her and get away with it?” Xander asked as he kicked Angel in the gut.

Angel went to fight back but all of a sudden it dawned upon him what Xander was talking about. “Xander…I…” He was silenced as another fist landed on his cheek.

“Shut the fuck up. I don’t wanna hear it. I promised her I wouldn’t kill you, but that doesn’t mean I’m not gonna kick the crap out of you.” Xander threatened.

Angel could have stopped Xander at any point. Or at the very least dodged his blows. But he didn’t. He stood there and took everything Xander gave him because he knew he deserved it. As blow after blow came, all he could see was Willow begging and crying below him.

Buffy watched with sick pleasure as Xander worked on Angel. When Xander got tired, she took over, breaking bones and making the vampire bleed.

Xander watched, breathing deeply. His anger had gone, but the seething hatred was still there. Watching Buffy finally do her job right was a fine thing to watch. He only wished she wasn’t there. If she hadn’t have been, he’d have done worse. Much worse. What is it they say? An eye for an eye. Xander would have liked to see how Angel liked being the one being raped.

He realised to what extent this has changed him. Xander Harris, sweet loser from Sunnydale who wouldn’t hurt a fly was wishing he could torture and kill someone.

Not a someone…something. A monster that had dared to touch Willow.

As Buffy finished up, they both stood back and saw Angel lying in a pool of blood, barely moving. Buffy had tears running down her cheek and her jaw clenched shut. “As soon as you’re well enough, I want you out of Sunnydale. And you’re never coming back. If you do, I’ll kill you. And if you see Spike on your travels, pass the message on.”

Buffy left, expecting Xander to follow her but he didn’t. He kneeled down beside Angel and hissed. “You didn’t just take her virginity. You didn’t just take her heart. You took her life. She’s pregnant with some freak of a kid. I just wanted you to know that. If I had my way, you’d be dead, but I think I like the idea of you having to live with what you’ve done for a couple more centuries.”

He got up and followed Buffy out, leaving Angel alone on the floor.

*****

Three weeks later, Angel watched Willow from her window. She sat on her bed, reading a book, her stomach a little bigger than usual.

He was extra careful not to be seen, he knew his presence would only frighten her and he didn’t want that. He only wanted to apologise, but seeing her now…so delicate as she turned the pages idly, he knew that was not a possibility.

Three weeks and he was still getting over the injuries Xander and Buffy had caused. He’d stayed in the mansion, away from civilisation; afraid of who he might run into. No one came to visit, though Angel half expected Giles to show up and have a go at beating him up some more…but no one even wanted that anymore. They wanted him gone and he was ready to oblige.

Well he was.

Now he wasn’t so sure. Seeing Willow carrying a baby…that could be his…he couldn’t leave. How could he leave when it was possible the baby was his? There was no way vampires could have babies, but for some reason, Willow was pregnant after sleeping with him and Spike. There was a reason for this…and he had to know why.

He went to leave; afraid Buffy might catch him peering in the window. It opened as he turned away and Willow stood looking at him.

“Willow…” He didn’t know what to say next, so he looked at her with the haunted guilt-ridden eyes he’d worn since his return.

“Angel.” She said, sounding surprised to see him, but not afraid.

“I…I was just…” Angel couldn’t quite explain why he was there.

“Do you want to come in?” She asked.

Angel looked at her as if she was mad.

“It’s alright, I know you’re Angel. You’re not him.” She said, firmly, showing a little smile to prove her point.

He nodded, and walked to the window.

“Come in, Angel.” She said, breaking the barrier around her house once again.

“Are you sure you should do that?” He asked.

“You don’t plan on losing your soul anytime soon, do you?” She asked.

“No.” He said, a horrified look on his face.

“I was joking, calm down.” She said, sitting on the bed.

Angel stood there awkwardly, not quite being able to bring himself to look at her. “I came to apologise…I know I can’t take any of it back and that apologising is useless…”

“It’s alright. I know you’d never intentionally hurt me. You can’t blame yourself for Angelus’ mistakes.” Willow told him.

Angel shook his head. She just didn’t get it, did she? “Willow, I raped you. I let Spike rape you…”

“No!” Willow said determinedly. “You can apologise for being careless with your soul but I will not let you take the blame for him. You’re not him.”

Angel looked at her through the pained expression and said, “I can never apologise enough for what I did. Whether it was Angelus or not, I feel I am to blame. If you ask me to leave, I’ll never come back. If you ask me to stand outside until the sun comes up I’ll do that also…whatever you want…I’ll do it.”

“Then forgive yourself.” Willow told him.

“Except that. I can’t do that.” Angel said.

Willow smiled. “Then stay.”

“Outside?”

“No…I mean, stay in Sunnydale. You help us…”

“Buffy and Xander have made it quiet clear they don’t want me here anymore.”

Willow frowned. “What? What did they do? Are they responsible for the cuts and bruises on you face and hands?”

Angel hid his hands quickly and looked away. “No…a demon…that’s all.”

Willow was furious. “They are in so much trouble.”

“Willow, no please. They’ll only hate me more. You can’t tell them.” Angel pleaded.

“They promised me they wouldn’t.” Willow told him.

“Why are you trying to protect me?” Angel asked.

“Well, it’d be kinda nice if the baby had a father.” Willow said.

Angel just stared at her.

“You didn’t know I was pregnant?” Willow asked.

“No…I did. But…I might not be…and you wouldn’t want me as a…”

“Angel, shut up. I’m hoping you are the father. At least then the baby won’t grow up to be evil.”

Angel thought it over. “What if it is born evil? What if it’s born some sort of vampire baby…then what? Willow, don’t get too attached to this baby. You don’t know what it is.” Angel warned her.

“It’s human Angel. We checked at the hospital last week.”

“Human…it can’t be mine. Or Spike’s. Are you sure…?”

“I’m sure. Why does everyone keep asking me that?” Willow smiled.

“I’m sorry, this is just…a shock.” Angel said. “I could be a father…”

“I’m hoping we’ll be able to tell by the eye colour. You see, there’s a law in eye colours. My mom has green eyes like me, but my dad has blue eyes. That means that if the baby is Spike’s it won’t have brown eyes. Do you remember what colour your parents eyes were?”

“Brown.” Angel said.

“The if the baby is yours, it should have brown eyes because brown eyes are more dominant.” Willow smiled. “We learnt about that in biology.”

“Right…”

“’Cause there’s no way a blood test would work. You kinda have borrowed blood.” Willow pointed out.

Angel’s head began to hurt. “What about Spike’s parents?”

“Shouldn’t make a difference because I have green and my parents don’t have brown, so the chances of a brown eyed baby with Spike would be pretty slim.” Willow said.

“But not impossible?” Angel asked.

“I’m not sure. We only did it very recently and it took me a while to get my head round it. I think it’s supposed to be impossible.” Willow said. “I can go over it if you want?”

“No…I’m just worried.” Angel said. “If Spike thinks for a second the baby’s his, who knows what he’ll do.”

Willow went pale. “He won’t come back will he?”

Angel looked at her. “I don’t know.”

“I couldn’t see him…you’re different…it wasn’t you, I know that. But Spike…”

“I’d never let him near you. I’d protect you and the baby with my life. Regardless of who’s i.” A.” Angel told her.

Willow smiled. “See, you’re nothing like Angelus.”

Angel smiled half-heartedly. If only that were true.

*****

Willow waited a good five minutes after Angel was gone before she broke down. She shook violently; curling into a ball as her CD player played a list of songs that she knew would only make her more miserable. And yet she listened to them constantly, allowing herself to get caught up in the words, the images they induced, that could describe the feelings inside which even she was unable to tell to anyone she knew or cared about.

Her parents weren’t home as usual. But that suited Willow just fine. She only really felt alone when she was surrounded by people. It hit her then, a sad little jolt in her head, that she could only feel alone when she wasn’t. And of course, things had become worse since she had told her parents. Her mother didn’t stop crying and her father…was silent. He never spoke about it. Willow would have preferred anything to that sickening silence, even a verbal reprimand, she knew what that silence meant, that her father was disappointed in her and blamed her.

And her friends. Her friends had long since given up trying to understand her roller coaster of emotions. They didn’t understand the constant bouts of anger, couldn’t see behind the ‘I’m fine’ façade. That was just fine with her. The mask was there for a reason. It kept them from seeing underneath, to where things weren’t so good as she tried to make them on top.

She lay there that night, and she cried until she was physically sick, clawing at her own skin as she remembered that night with a vividness that scared her. She hated her skin, her body, her face. Things that had brought on the lust of monsters. A monster that was supposed to be a friend. Seeing Angel again…even Angel…knowing it was him and not the monster who had done those things to her…she felt sick. It brought back that night. She felt it so much.

She began to pound her fists against the wall as a burst of anger flashed through her. She hated it! She was reminded of all the pain, the hurt, the helplessness. She had been weak! Helpless! Weak! SUBMISSIVE!!! She was so sick of her lack in control. She COULD control her life she COULD. When her fists started to hurt, knuckles bruised and red as she stared down at her hands, she reached to pick up the glass on her bedside table and threw it across the room. She screamed, she screamed then, long and loud, and screamed and screamed. She screamed because she hurt, she screamed because she was tired of being helpless. She screamed because it was the only sound that could possibly vocalize the harsh emotions inside. The thoughts that spun around in her head until she began to be sick again.

Almost in slow motion, it smashed into little pieces and she finally managed to calm down. Yes.... she could control it. She listened to the sounds the pieces made, deafening after the extent of her screams, the soft tinkling, the shattering sounds... She stared at the pile of broken glass a minute more before she walked slowly to it, bending down to begin picking up the pieces. She stopped, dropping the smaller pieces she had picked up, staring at one of the bigger shards. She held it up, studying it with a blank sort of singular fascination.

It was so simple.

She felt the familiar disgust and pain well inside of her again and for no reason she could think of, she lifted the shard and brought it down across her forearm, slow, methodical partings of the skin. It stung, but her gaze began to narrow, and almost clarify, and she began slashing steadily, almost stabbing at her own flesh as the tears came again, hot and hard, and stinging her face, stinging into the cuts. She screamed again, and her heart suddenly cleared, and she continued to cut as if to cut away all of her pain.

By the time logic returned to her, by the time her senses widened back onto the world, blood covered her once porcelain skin. She watched, detached, as a long line of it finally left the surface, dripping down the side and pattering against her feet.

She began to cry harder, the tears not stopping again, and her heart began to cloud again. She sank back against the wall, pulling her wounded arm against her chest, resisting urges to simply cut right through her wrist and just be done with it all.

*****

“Will, nice to see you out and about on this fine sunny morning…wearing a jumper? How the hell can you stand the heat wearing that?” Xander asked, in shorts and a t-shirt. Willow walked into the library and smiled simply at Buffy, Giles and Cordelia.

“I’m cold.” She lied with her soft smile. Soft, sweet Willow smile. Smile with too much sugar. Overtly saccharine smile.

It hurt to smile.

Buffy exchanged a look with Xander before ploughing on.

“So, Willow…how are you?” Buffy asked with an expectant look on her face.

“Fine.” Willow replied. “What’s going on? New demons in town?”

“Nope…demon free. We’re just talking.” Buffy replied.

She felt so awkward around them. They all stared at her as if they were expecting something. What did they expect? That she finally burst into tears? That she went crazy? That she just turned and grin, and told them it was all a big joke.

Ha-hah, world‘s funniest, that‘s me, and the punch line is, I‘ve got two packs of bandaging around my arm where I ripped it apart with a piece of glass. Isn‘t it just great!?

“It’s great to see you again, Will. Missed you the past couple of weeks.” Xander said, placing his arm round his best friend.

Willow jerked away from him, eyes darting quickly to him as she automatically assumed a defensive posture, hands raised.

“What?” Xander asked, wide-eyed and confused.

“Nothing…you...you just scared me. I’m gonna…get to class.”

Willow grabbed her bag and left as quickly as possible.

“I didn’t do anything.” Xander muttered, helplessly staring after his fleeing friend.

“She’s been acting weirder and weirder lately. I just don’t know how to act around her anymore.” Buffy sighed, staring down at her hands. The answer had to be there somewhere, somewhere in her hands. She just knew it.

“Maybe we wouldn’t have had this problem if you’d just staked your vampire lover when he got mean.” Cordelia pointed out bluntly, arms crossed where she had been standing to the side, watching the odd exchange.

“Cordy!” Xander warned, eyes narrowed at his girlfriend. Since Buffy had gone with him to teach Angel a little lesson, he’d been much quieter on the whole ‘Angel’ issue.

“Rape isn’t something one gets over quickly.” Giles told them, removing his glasses to run at the bridge of his nose. “It’s entirely possible Willow’s hiding something from us.”

“Like what?” Buffy asked.

“Well, there are issues often brought about by abuse that can be entirely debilitating. Things like... panic attacks, paranoia, fractured personalities and even self-harm. We don’t know what Willow’s going through right now. None of us know anything about what’s it like to be where she is. And I doubt she’s going to make it easy for us to find out.” “Willow wouldn’t lie to us…” Xander said, shaking his head just as helplessly.

“She may feel she has no choice. She‘s not lying, Xander... She may feel that we could never understand, or even that we simply do not care about her emotional state.” Giles replied. “To be honest, I have no idea how to treat the situation. I think maybe we need to discuss with Willow…how we could help her to deal with it.”

Buffy looked away, suddenly, body tensed as something occurred to her.

“I think she blames me.”

“Duh.” Cordelia chimed in.

“Cordelia, your comments are neither appropriate nor appreciated. Now unless you have something that can actually help us, or help Willow, do SHUT UP.” Giles chastised.

*****

Willow walked through the hallway, hardly watching where she was going. She didn’t understand what she was doing to herself anymore... At that moment, a large figure bumped into her and she let off a scream, flying back against the lockers. Larry simply looked at her, his face a perfect picture of shock, his hands raised in a gesture of peace. “Sorry…I didn’t mean…”

She took deep breaths but the air didn’t seem to fill her lungs.

Willow noticed the strange looks she was getting and ran out the school without looking back once.

*****

I don’t wanna be the one,
The one who’s always left behind.
Will there ever be a day,
When I can turn around and say,
It’s alright now.

Willow collapsed on her bed and tried to breath. What was WRONG with her?

How could she react to Larry and Xander like that?

Larry was gay…he’d never…and Xander?

Her best FRIEND.

She knew he’d never do anything to hurt her so why was she shaking so much?

She hated herself for being like this. Why did she have to be so stupid? She was scaring her friends away.

These WERE friends…NOT rapists.

She felt so isolated.

She made herself isolated.

She hated herself, her body, her face, everything.

She wanted to claw herself out of her own skin. She hated it.

She wanted nothing more than to curl up and never wake again.

//“Shh, don’t say anything.” Angelus said, silencing Willow with his finger against her lips. His other hand slipped between her legs and moved slowly up her thighs.

Willow began to panic and attacked Angelus with her fists, trying desperately to get away.

Angelus slammed her hands down roughly and snarled.

“If that’s the way you want it, that’s fine with me.”

“Let me go!” Willow screamed, but Angelus smiled and continued.

“You know you want it, Willow.” His voice hissed at her, and she closed her eyes as the pain came again, letting out a small strangled cry as the torture began all over again. “You want it. And do you know why? Because you’re a whore. My little whore. And you know what, sweetness? Soon, you’ll be Spike’s pretty little whore too....”

She shook her head violently, thrashing it against the pillows as the tears rushed, some horrible mockery of passion in the movement.

“Just our worthless, filthy little whore.”//

Willow jerked awake, screaming and sweating. Her eyes darted around desperately, looking at shadows to determine if they posed a threat.

“Whore,” The voice whispered and she scrambled back against the headboard, screaming when her arm hit the metal.

“Slut... This is all your fault.”

“No!!!” She screamed back, hands rushing to her ears now, but the voices still came.

“This is all your fault.”

“You want it.”

“Just a whore.”

“Dirty little bitch.”

The last came from right behind her and she scrambled out of bed, staring around her as she put her back to the wall, where nothing could sneak up on her.

There was nothing there. Her bed was empty, the sheets and blankets strewn around.

Too shaken up though, she ran from the room, and downstairs to make a cup of coffee.

She reached up to the cupboard in the kitchen to get the coffee, eyes closed as she tried to push the dream away. Glass ‘ting-ed’ as her fingernails hit and she turned to focus her eyes on the bottle of vodka she saw there, in its place.

She barely hesitated before she took it down.

*****

Angel ritually went by Willow’s house to see if she was okay.

He never let himself get caught…not after last time. Willow’s reaction had been unrealistic. He’d dealt with enough rapes to know that.

Of course, he’d always been the rapist.

She’d been too calm, too excepting, and he could see it, roiling beneath the surface, the truth. She was in denial of herself.

That was NEVER healthy.

He looked in her bedroom and saw her bedcover thrown off and Willow nowhere in sight. He looked round, hoping to find a window with curtains undone. He saw a light on in the kitchen and looked in.

There, he saw Willow on the floor, an empty bottle of vodka and an empty bottle of pills, the last few pills scattered about when she had hit the floor when she had d--.

No.

He smashed trough the window, throwing his shoulder into the glass and barreling through, nearly tripping himself on the sill before he got across.

‘So dramatic,’ Angelus whispered to him, ‘too bad she’s not around to see it.’

No!!

He was by her side in seconds, hands going to her shoulders to try and shake her. She didn’t respond. He could barely hear her heart anymore.

“Willow! Willow, can you hear me?”

You can’t hear her; the demon whispered again, how could she hear you?

NO!!!!!

But I’m so lonely I don’t even wanna be with myself anymore.


*****

Blinding lights above her, strange people moving round in a blur of white. The feeling of something forcing it’s way down her throat…

And pain…a kind of dull, throbbing pain that covered her exhausted body.

Willow had the strangest feeling she was dead…or near it. She saw Angel looking through a door, a strange look on his face. Suddenly paranoid, she tried to struggle, but she was held down as she vomited for what seemed like forever.

*****

“Hello, Summers residence.” Buffy answered, trying not to laugh at the faces Xander was making at the TV. “Angel? What the hell…Willow? What…what happened? Okay.” Buffy slammed the phone down and ran into the living room. “Xander, Willow’s in the hospital.”

“Angel? Was that him? Did he…?” Xander was suddenly furious and was at Buffy’s front door in seconds, Buffy close behind him.

They had to walk to the hospital, but at the speed they ran, they were there in no time anyway. They burst through the door and to reception, where they were guided to emergency. Outside Willow’s room, Angel stood, a tortured expression on his face.

“What? What happened?” Buffy demanded.

“What did you do to her?” Xander spat, storming past and Buffy and lunging at Angel.

“She overdosed. If I hadn’t have found her, she’d be dead.” Angel said, dodging Xander’s blows.

“Xander, stop!” Buffy pulled him back.

“If it hadn’t been for you, she wouldn’t be in this mess.” Xander pointed out.

“I know that.” Angel said, losing his temper. He looked back through the window at Willow’s sleeping form.

“Can we go in?” Buffy asked, sniffing back tears. “Is she…okay now? She’s…” It all got too much and Buffy collapsed, tears streaming down her face. “I should have…I should have known…”

Xander knelt beside her, enveloping her in his arms, fighting back tears of his own.

“She’s going to be fine.” Angel told them.

“And the baby?” Buffy asked.

“The baby too.” Angel added.

“We’re going in. I suggest you leave. Now.” Xander growled, leading Buffy into Willow’s room.

Angel watched them walk to their friends side and left, then ten tearing him up inside.

*****

The first thing they noticed were the bandages on Willow’s arms.

“I thought she Overdosed.” Xander said, confused.

“Why does she have these on?” Buffy asked the nurse who was checking Willow’s charts.

“Are you family?” She asked.

“Best friends. Family are out of town.” Buffy replied.

“Your friend has…” The nurse hesitated. “Something to talk to you about when she wakes up.”

Buffy rolled her eyes as the nurse left. “Gee, thanks.” Buffy pulled back one of the bandages carefully and saw the violent marks on Willow’s arm.

“Oh God.” Xander said. “Did she…?”

“Giles said…how did we not notice this?” Buffy asked.

“Why would she do this to herself? It doesn’t make sense.” Xander said, angrily. “Why would anyone do that to themselves?”

“I don’t know…oh God, Willow I’m so sorry.” Buffy said, realising how much she’d said that lately. Some friend if everything was her fault.

*****

Spike stepped out of his car, and fell into a drunken heap. “Home sweet…home.”

He crawled across Sunnydale, unable to stand. He laughed at himself as he went. This would be amusing if he were sober…even funnier because he was drunk. He began to laugh at his train of thought. After vomiting several times, he managed to stand up and walk, wondering where he could get booze from this late at night.

He stopped when he saw Angel walking across town. He was going to say hello in his own special way, when he saw Giles heading in the opposite direction. He decided to watch…wondering how much Giles liked the vampire that had tortured him.

“Giles.”

The watcher glared at Angel. “I thought you were politely told to leave town. Would you prefer it if I repeat the message?”

“Willow’s in hospital. She took an overdose.” Angel said.

Giles face fell. “Oh God.”

“She’s okay.”

“The baby?”

“Fine.”

“I thank you for the information, now I suggest you leave town. This is all your fault, you understand?” Giles pointed out.

“I can’t leave…not if there’s a chance the baby’s mine.” Angel said.

“And if it’s Spike’s?” Giles asked.

“I’m also responsible. I’ll do anything to protect Willow and the baby.” Angel swore.

“You do realise you only torture her further by staying here, don’t you? You can’t be a father. You can’t even be a friend to her. You’re a murderer, a rapist and a vampire. Now if you don’t mind, I’d like to get to the hospital.” Giles walked away, leaving Angel to brood alone.

“You what?” Spike asked himself from across the street. “What bloody baby?”

*****

Willow woke up with a blinding headache. She looked around, expecting to see her bedroom. She panicked when she saw the white walls of the hospital. Her eyes finally settled on Buffy and Xander and she relaxed.

“Ssh, Will. You’re okay. Your parents are on the way.” Xander explained.

“I…what did I do?” She asked, not sure if her memory was telling her the whole truth.

“You took some pills Willow.”

“Over one hundred apparently.” Xander chimed in.

“Oh.” Willow lay back down, waiting for it to sink in.

“Will…what happened to your arms?” Buffy asked.

Willow automatically closed up. “I’m tired Buffy, I wanna go to sleep.”

“Will.”

“I said fuck off!” Willow yelled, ignoring the pain in the back of her throat.

Slightly startled, Buffy and Xander backed off. They walked outside and sat down just as Giles appeared.

“Is she okay?” He asked.

“Yeah…she’ll live.” Buffy muttered.

Giles saw the anguished look on Buffy and Xander’s faces, and then looked into Willow’s room. He saw the girl lying on her side, back to him, shaking ever so softly. He resisted walking in to comfort her and looked back at the others.

“She just needs time.” Xander said, sternly. “That’s all.”

*****

Buffy was there as often as she could be, wondering exactly when Willow’s parents were going to come back and give a damn about their own daughter.

Willow rarely said much…only ever if someone asked her a question. Her responses were short, as she often became angry for trivial reasons, snapped at them all, and return to reticence for hours at a time.

Xander was by her side more often than anyone, offering constant and silent support for his best friend. Willow had made it clear that she was unable to talk to him, or even stand his touch anymore, but he wouldn’t leave her side. And he knew deep down she was grateful to him.

The nightmares were bad. Even when she was out of the hospital, Xander was woken to screaming or fearful moaning coming from the disturbed teenager. He watched helplessly as she tossed and turned; sweat pouring from her forehead, the sheets of her bed being kicked around her feet.

Buffy stayed as many nights as she could with Willow, sometimes sneaking out of her house to do it.

On one night, when Willow had finally dozed off again, Buffy began to whisper to Xander. “I’m worried.” She said, keeping her voice low so as not to disturb Willow.

“Aren’t we all?” Xander said, dryly.

“No…I mean…I get that Willow’s going through stuff we can’t understand…but…she was so sure she wanted this baby.” Buffy said. “But she hasn’t said anything…hasn’t even asked if it’s okay.”

Xander looked at his feet. “Maybe she doesn’t want it.”

“But she said…”

“Willow’s against abortion, yeah…but this baby is…well, it’s a freak. Vampires don’t have kids, Buffy. Giles is drawing a blank and with Angel coming into Willow’s life again…I’m not surprised she doesn’t care about the baby.” Xander told her.

Willow listened in, her eyes closed…feigning sleep. She felt a lump in her throat at the mention of the thing growing inside of her…ensuring she’d never be able to forget that night. How could Buffy wonder why she didn’t care? She did care…she just couldn’t bring herself to love it…thought that maybe if she ignored it…it would go away, taking the problems with it and things could be, well, normal again.

“I’m just scared she’s made the wrong decision. This could end so badly.” Buffy said, softly.

“Well, it began badly, a happy ending just doesn’t seem possible.” Xander replied.

“It would help if she told us what she wanted.” He said.

“And if she doesn’t know herself?” Buffy asked.

“I guess we wait.” Xander said.

“We can’t give her the closure she needs. There are only two people who can do that, and I really don’t think they’d approve of what I want to have her do to them.” Buffy smiled. “I don’t know, we could probably convince Angel. He’s never looked so suicidal.”

“Shame…really!” Xander replied sarcastically.

“We’ll talk to her tomorrow. Make her talk…I don’t know…force her or something.” Buffy said. Xander raising his eyebrows.

“The world famous Willow temper? Not my favorite side of her.”

“You don’t have to…but I do. If not for her…for me. I can’t take not knowing how to help. If there was something to slay, I wouldn’t have a problem.”

“Well you could…” Xander began.

“I promised her.” Buffy interrupted. “Angel lives.”

“Spike, for that matter…”

“If he’s smart, he’ll stay away. If he sets foot in this town, he’ll be dead before he has a chance to get close to her.”

*****

Spike, always one to be exactly where he wasn’t supposed to be, watched from the window, hearing every word…his eyes focused on Willow…who was obviously not as unconscious as she was pretending to be. He watched her chest rise and fall, listened to the steady beat of her heart, a gentle swell beneath the blankets, where her stomach was beginning to show.

Never had he simply watched someone, just to be watching, as he watched her now. Fascinated that the life before him was half his…or Angel’s.

Spike remembered a time when he wanted nothing more than a baby. Being an only child…he’d never been close to a baby. His Mother had been unable to have more children beyond himself, and after his Father had died in the War, the family’s future was left resting in his hands. His mother had harped to him about children, how important it was that he continue the family name.

He’d never been near to babies, but he was intrigued by their features…so tiny and dependant.

He’d never eaten one for this very reason, despite Angelus’ mocking, Drusilla‘s urgings. Spike was a killer yes, a monster maybe, but he had something most vampire’s didn’t. A heart. Call it a fault…a screw up…but Spike was able to love. Soul or no soul… he was different.

He wanted a child, he had wanted a child as a human, and he found, as he stared at the frail girl only a few feet from him, he still wanted a child. He wanted the baby growing inside of the redhead to be his. His child...

He nodded to himself, satisfied with the witch’s conditions and started to walk away from the window, making his way back onto the street. It wasn’t very long until he got the feeling someone was following him…something even.

He spun around just before a fist connected with his face.

Bloody awful timing.... He looked up from the pavement, expecting to see a particularly brassed off slayer.

“Angel. So nice to see you again.” Spike smirked, standing up.

“Get the hell out of my town. Now!” Angel yelled. “You have about three seconds before I stake you.”

“I’m not here to fight you, you bastard. I came to get Dru back…but I got a little sidetracked.” Spike said. “Seems someone knocked Red up. Happen to know who?”

“You go near her and…”

“You’ll kill me, yeah, heard you the first time, mate.” Spike said. “But I ain’t gonna hurt her. Just wanted to see if it was true.”

“Well, now you know, so fuck off.” Angel hissed.

Spike laughed. “And if it’s mine?”

Angel snorted. “It won’t be.”

“But if it is?” He needled, grinning as Angel bristled just at the idea. “Baby needs a father figure…I should probably stick around.”

“Buffy only just let me live. You haven’t got a chance in hell.” Angel warned

“No slayer bint is going to tell me what to do. The apple fell a mile from the bloody tree on that occasion,” Spike sneered. “Just wanna know if the kid’s mine, is all. Then I’ll bugger off.”

“You’ll upset her. I won’t let you near her.” Angel threatened.

“And you’re not upsettin’ her? Seeing you has gotta be a bitch. Remembering how you pinned her down and…”

Angel attacked Spike then, fists smashing into the other’s body and face.

“This is all your soddin’ fault!” Spike said, as his knee thrust into Angel’s gut. “I only kidnapped her in the first place, to get her to make Dru forget you and come back to me. I was gonna use her…for a bloody spell. I never wanted to rape her…some of us aren’t sick fucks like you…everything that has happened is your fault. So don’t tell me that I’m gonna upset her!”

Angel was on the floor, blood pouring from his nose and various cuts.

Spike calmed down and with a sudden lurch of joy, he realised he’d won.

If only he had a stake on hand...

“Spike…get out or I’ll tell Buffy…” Angel said, as he tried to clean his face up.

Spike just smirked. “Get out or I’ll tell on you because I’m a pussy-whipped nonce,” Spike mocked, raising his voice and grinning at the prone vampire before his face shifted into a sneer. “You ain’t even worth staking. Pouf.”

He walked off, leaving his sire behind…a proud look on his face for the first time in years.

*****

When Buffy and Xander had finally drifted off, Willow stepped out of bed, still half dressed and slipped a sweater over her pyjama top. She slipped out of the house, leaving her two watch guards to sleep. Arming herself with no more than a stake and crucifix, she walked out the door, her face emotionless and her eyes, focused ahead.

She didn’t think about the dangers, the problems or even where she was going, her mind could only register needing to be out of the house, away from her friends and in the dark…the only place she could stand to be sometimes.

Willow had to wonder whether she was thinking straight…knowing full well shadows or other dark places for potential attackers to hide were littered about Sunnydale, along with the dangerous creatures that hid behind them. But nothing seemed to bother her tonight. Like someone on a suicide mission, the care for her safety was minimal.

*****

Spike leaned against an alley wall, remembering every detail of the fight he’d just had with a perverse delight. Watching Angel being on the floor bleeding had been a sight worth waiting for...

He heard a human approaching and smiled to himself. Just as he was beginning to feel a mite peckish.

He stepped out of the alley just in front of the human. But then....

“Willow?”

*****