Behind the Scenes at Shipper Central

Behind the Scenes at Shipper Central

Brought to you courtesy of Cyberwulf

Rated 18s (NC-17)

Disclaimer : I have nothing against shippers of any pairing . I just think some of them are a little weird , and wonder what the characters (who all belong to Joss Whedon) would think if they knew people wrote that kind of stuff about them . Most of the pairings mentioned herein HAVE actually been used in fics by other authors , and thus are not my idea , so don’t blame me if they disgust you . No offence is intended by this fic . Enjoy !

(A room like a large kitchen . The lights are dimmed . Giles is sitting at the table . He’s wearing a Hugh Hefner style dressing gown and is drinking tea from his ‘Kiss the Librarian’ mug . He looks worn out . There is a large stack of A4 sheets and a packet of cigarettes on the table in front of him . He sighs , and runs a hand through his hair .

Spike wanders in , looking extremely pleased with himself . He’s wearing nothing except the smallest towel it is possible to wrap around his waist . He stretches , and grins at Giles . Giles closes his eyes and rubs his forehead .)

Giles (wearily): Please , Spike , if you can’t be bothered to put on any clothes , at least sit down so I don’t have to look at you .

Spike (scratching crotch through towel): Just got done shagging Xander . (He sits down and takes a cigarette .) Got a light ?

Giles (exhausted , shakes head): You know I don’t smoke .

(Spike shrugs , and wanders over to the sink . He rummages in a drawer and finds some matches . He sits at the table again , and strikes a match off his face . Giles rolls his eyes .)

Giles : Oh , God . . .

Spike : Tell ya , this S/X slash is weird . But I’m not complaining . (He blows smoke at the ceiling .) I just pretend he’s a girl . . . which ain’t too hard . (He looks at Giles .) How about you ?

Giles (sighs tiredly): Me , Buffy , waffles , syrup , butter , and no plates . (He rubs his jaw .) My teeth still hurt . That’s how people gain weight , you know .

Spike : Ah , the Slayer . I’m due to star in a scene with her later this week . Love those B/S shippers . We hate each other so much , you see , the sex is always fantastic and violent . (savouring every word) We do absolutely everything .

Giles (tuts): I wish I could be in a rough , violent shipper for a change . I’m such a gentleman , you see . It’s always so nice , and fluffy , and . . . (disgusted) cuddly . (imploring shipper authors everywhere) Isn’t there anyone out there who could write either Buffy or Willow as a succubus who ties me up and uses me like a sex machine? Or me as a predatory sex maniac who just grabs them roughly and rips their clothes off ?

Spike : Funny , I wouldn’t mind a shipper where we just cuddled .

Giles (not really listening): I mean , I can be dangerous . I can be a bad boy . Ripper Giles , remember ? Ripper ! How do they think I got that name ?

Spike : I’d just be happy if I knew how they come up with the couples . I mean , me and the Slayer , fine , we’re mortal enemies , there’s bound to be chemistry on some level – but me and Xander ? Where do they get that from ?

Giles : Listen , there’s a whole ring of sites dedicated to me and Buffy . Me . . . and Buffy . We’re practically father and daughter ! Come ON !

Spike : Look , Watcher , we’ve got an audience that ranges mostly from upper teenagers to young adults in their mid-twenties . They’re interested in sex . I’d like it if they put a bit of thought into how they get the pairings together , but they don’t , so just lie back and enjoy it .

(Giles stares at him in disbelief .)

Giles : Enjoy it ? ENJOY IT ?? I’m bloody exhausted !

Spike : Well maybe if you didn’t take so many valiums . . .

Giles (ignoring him): Do you know how many Buffy/Giles shippers there are ? Do you ? I don’t know where Buffy gets all her energy . She’s in shippers with me , with you , with Angel , with Xander , even . . . (He takes a deep breath .) with Riley .

(Both of them spit on the ground .)

Spike : Wot you expect ? She’s the Slayer . She fights vampires . She’s bound to have . . . (with relish) stamina .

Giles (wearily): I know , I know . Thank heaven Willow likes girls now , that’s all I can say . I wouldn’t be able to cope otherwise .

Spike (innocently): Sounds like you need some of those little blue pills –

Giles (angrily): Shut . . . up !

(Buffy comes in . She’s in a white dressing gown . Her hair is slightly damp and she’s brushing it carefully .)

Buffy (sighs): Hi , boys .

Spike : A’right , luv .

(Buffy goes to the fridge , walking behind Giles as she does so . She squeezes his shoulder and he puts his hand on hers .)

Giles (tenderly): Thought you were still asleep .

Buffy (teasingly): Bed’s too cold without you . . .

(He smiles , and they share a snuggly look , much to Spike’s disgust .)

Spike : Oi , watch it , you two ! Shipper’s over !

(Buffy rolls her eyes . Giles looks away , embarrassed .)

Giles (clears throat): Sorry , still in character . (to Spike) See what I mean about being cuddly ?

Buffy : But you ARE the cuddly one . (She puts her arms around his neck , and murmurs ,) You’re very cuddly . . .

Giles (shy , looking up at her): Well , if you say so . . .

Spike (still disgusted): Children , please ! (Buffy makes a face at him and lets go of Giles .) Brings a whole new dimension to the phrase ‘how’s your father’.

Buffy (casting eyes to heaven): What-ever !

(She gets a can of Coke from the fridge and sits down at the table . She opens the can and offers it to the others . They shake their heads . She has a mouthful , then goes back to brushing her hair .)

Buffy : I can’t stay long . I’ve got like five minutes to straighten myself up . I mean it is SO typical ! I just get out of the shower and Riley’s there (Spike and Giles both turn and spit on the floor) all horny . . . (She violently brushes out a tangle .) Apparently someone’s written him licking chocolate off me and he’s all (deep voice) ‘I want you now !’ (back to normal) I don’t want his fish lips on me !

Giles : Well , at – at least YOU don’t have to lick HIM . . .

(All three shudder at the thought .)

Buffy : God , the guy is so . . . so . . . um . . .

Spike : Not me ?

Buffy : Not dangerous . There’s no tension , or something . I mean , you and I are enemies , Giles and I have the whole age thing , Angel’s got all that angst , and Xander’s been carrying a torch for me for years and could never say anything . But Riley . . . (She shrugs .) I just don’t see it . (She thinks .) Plus he’s boring in bed .

Spike : Well , you never know . Maybe he’ll invite his cow along and spice things up a bit –

(Giles slaps Spike across the face . Spike holds his cheek and gives Giles a look of wounded surprise .)

Buffy : Thank you . (She gets up , puts her arms around Giles’ neck , and kisses him on the cheek .) You’re the best .

Giles (blushing): Oh – er – well –

(Spike gives Giles a dirty look . Buffy lets go of Giles , sits down , and finishes her Coke . Oz wanders into the kitchen . He’s wearing a green T-shirt that says ‘Werewolves Do It Every Full Moon’ and white boxer shorts . He looks glum .)

Oz (sadly): Yo , guys . . .

Spike : Hey , Wolfie ! Aren’t you supposed to be in a threesome with Red and Tara right now ?

Oz (sadder): Yeah . . . but my part’s kinda over . Kinda really fast , too .

(Spike and Giles make sympathetic noises of understanding .)

Spike : Too bad . (He pats Oz on the shoulder , and offers him a cigarette .) Smoke ?

Oz : Nah . I think I’ll just go back upstairs and take a nap .

Giles (raises eyebrow): Well , good luck finding a bed that’s unoccupied .

Spike : Or has clean sheets .

Giles (in disgust): Honestly , Spike ! MUST you be so FOUL ?

Spike (indignant): Oh , pardon me for living ! This is why you’re never in any nasty flamey shippers , y’know . You’re too . . . dainty .

Giles (frowning): What are you implying , exactly ?

Spike : Nothing , nothing , nothing . (coughs , and offers cigarette) Fag ?

(Giles folds his arms and glares . Buffy shakes her head at the childishness of it all .)

Oz : Maybe I’ll go lie down on the couch . . .

Spike (shaking head): Naw , mate . Don’t , trust me .

Oz (sighs): Guess I’ll go outside and howl a bit , then .

(He transforms into a wolf and trudges off , head down , ears down , tail between his legs .)

Buffy (calls , irritated): Yeah , don’t pick up your clothes , or anything !

Giles : Poor chap . . . he doesn’t get a lot of action these days .

Spike : Yeah , he’s not a stud , like us .

Buffy (grouchy): Doesn’t mean he has to be a slob . (Her watch beeps . She sighs .) Gotta go .

(She stands up .)

Spike : See you Thursday , luv .

Buffy : Oh , remind me . What are we doing ?

(Spike beckons her over to him . She leans down and he whispers in her ear . Buffy’s eyes widen and she grins .)

Buffy (in anticipation): Ooh that’s baaad . (She gives him a sly little smirk .) Can’t wait .

Spike : So , eh . . . (gestures at Giles with cigarette) is he still the best , then ?

(Buffy thinks for a moment .)

Buffy : Yep . (Spike makes ‘Damn !’ face .) Sorry , but he is . (Giles grins .) See you later .

(She goes upstairs . Spike glares at Giles .)

Spike (in disgust): The best !

(Angel wanders in , carrying a leather whip , and wearing nothing but a pair of incredibly tiny black briefs . They’re almost a thong . Giles closes his eyes and turns away in disgust . Spike has a look .)

Spike (to himself): Hmm . . . smaller than I thought . . .

Angel : Hey , fellas . Just came down to get some more vegetable oil .

Giles (exasperated): God , why are you here at all ? I thought if you had even one moment of perfect happiness , you lost your soul and went bad ! (He glares at him .) I still remember that whole business with Jenny Calendar , you know .

Spike (thinking aloud): Now there was a woman who was only after one thing . . .

(Giles shoots him a nasty look . Angel shrugs .)

Angel : I can’t help it if I’m every girl’s fantasy . (Spike and Giles look disgusted at this .) Anyway , that’s why they call it fan fiction ! (He gets the vegetable oil .) Gotta go . I’ve got Cordelia upstairs and we’re going for bed breakage this time .

(He winks and heads out . There are red whip marks all over his back . Spike and Giles give him the V-sign as he goes . Giles finishes his tea , while Spike continues smoking .)

Spike : Bloody shipper authors . What’s so special about Angel ?

Giles : I think most of these shippers are written by girls . And after all , Angel IS a very attractive man –

Spike (hisses): Shut up ! You’ll give ’em ideas ! (He stubs out his cigarette , and eyes the pile of pages in the middle of the table .) There’s enough weird pairings in there as it is .

Giles : And so many of them . What do they think we are , wild stallions ?

Spike : At least we’re always really well hung in them .

Giles (nodding): Yes , that is a perk . (He adjusts his Y-fronts through his dressing gown .) And there are some interesting scenarios in there .

Spike : Yeah , some sick ones , too !

(They both select a few of the pages .)

Giles : Funny , all this sex , and never a mention of contraception , pregnancy or venereal disease . . .

Spike : Well that wouldn’t be very romantic , would it ? (sarcastically) ‘Hot sexy shipper – Giles gets Buffy and Willow pregnant while infecting them with herpes . Erotic new story – Cordelia gives Xander syphilis and he dies an agonising pus-ridden death –’

Giles (grouchily): Yes , yes , all right . No need to be so graphic .

Spike : Actually , change Xander to Riley (they spit) and it could be very popular . . .

(They start flipping through the fics .)

Giles : Hmm . . . here’s one with Buffy dreaming about me , half-naked , singing ‘Women’ by Def Leppard . . . (He leafs through it .) with never a care for the copyright of the lyrics . . .

Spike : Ooh , the long-awaited orgy fic . (He skims over it .) It’s at Cordelia’s . . . and it’s got all of us in it . . . and we’re in the jacuzzi . . . interesting , Angel’s so drunk he can’t feel anything , so that’s the curse all sorted for a change . . . hey , who’s Doyle ?

Giles (in disgust): Ugh . . . here’s one where you manage to eat Riley somehow (they spit on the floor) . . . and Buffy’s all over you . . .

Spike (holding fic at arm’s length): Yikes ! Oz and Xander in hot bestial action !

Giles : It says this one was inspired by a song by Papa Roach . I mean , what the HELL is that ?

Spike (sniggering): Here’s one where it’s art class and the gang has to sketch you naked !

Giles : Willow and Buffy . . . have to share the same bed , and . . . (He reads down through it , and gulps .) oh my . . .

(Spike takes it from him quickly .)

Spike : All right , calm down ! Save your energy . (Giles nods , and takes some deep breaths . Spike looks at the fic .) Cool . One of our few male shipper authors strikes again ! (thoughtfully) Now if only I could change it so that I’m in the wardrobe watching . . .

Giles (warningly): Spike !

Spike : All right , all right . (He puts the fic back in the pile .) Now then . (He takes another fic .) Hmm . . . oh , this one’s got you in it . It’s Valentine’s Night . . . agh , Riley ! (Giles freezes in terror while Spike spits on the floor .) Oh no , it’s okay , he’s with Buffy . . . (He laughs .) You’re all drunk , and jealous . . . oh , here I come , and I’m drunk too , and we . . . 

(He reads down through it . His eyes widen in shock . He flips through the rest of the fic , which is about sixteen pages long . He looks up at Giles in absolute horror .)

Giles : What ? What is it ?

(Spike tentatively hands him the fic . Giles takes it and has a look .)

Giles : Okay . . . we’re in the Bronze , we’re drunk , we leave . . . blah blah blah . . . (He flicks on a few pages , and then halts in horror .) Oh good Lord .

(He drops the fic like a hot potato . He and Spike look at each other , then look away quickly . Spike rubs the back of his neck nervously . Giles studies the wall intensely . There is a long , long , awkward silence . Giles steals a glance at Spike .)

Giles : Ve-very g-graphic . . .(He trails off and stares down at the table . Spike doesn’t look at him . He manages to light another cigarette . His hands are shaking so much that it’s not funny . Willow runs up to the door , wearing one of Tara’s blouses .)

Willow : Hey guys , have you seen the whipped cre– (She realises that you can cut the atmosphere with a knife .) I’ll come back later .

(She makes a speedy getaway . Long , long , LONG , awkward pause . Spike blows a smoke ring . Giles watches . Spike stares thoughtfully at the lighted end of his cigarette .)

Spike : Fancy it then ?

Giles : All right .

(Spike stubs out his cigarette and they leave . Giles takes the fic with them .)

The End

(praise the Lord !)

-^)--)~