The Erotic Misadventures of Marcus Hamilton

A/N: Written in response to Guinny's call for Imperfect!Hamilton Smut. She wanted to see Marcus not be the typical 'sex god' that he is often portrayed as. Poor Marcus....

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Things could not get any worse, Marcus Hamilton thought to himself… they simply couldn’t. Moments later, of course, they did. He had been minding his own business and thinking of the best way to seduce the young woman whom he had seen walking through the firm’s doors when he had felt…it. Whatever it was. Marcus had thought it just a fluke that the elevator had gotten stuck between floors as he had been hurrying to salvage yet another client’s goodwill towards the law firm after Angel had made a mess of their account. When he had finally arrived at the scene and attempted to placate the angry Zorath demon, he had exacerbated the situation by accidentally using the wrong dialect. When his innumerable apologies had finally been accepted, Marcus had allowed himself a relieved sigh and turned his attention towards more palatable concerns…such as the woman he’d seen previously.

She was very, very small and made him feel very, very large. And that was a good thing, because it was always a boost to his ego when he felt big and powerful and women seemed to react positively to his impressive stature. She was also still standing in front of Harmony’s desk, patiently waiting for the scatterbrained female vampire to finish filling out a form…as Marcus watched, Harmony threw down an ink pen irritably. “I can’t believe it! That’s the thirteenth pen that’s run dry…I swear I’m almost ready to try pencils,” she huffed.

Marcus fought to keep from rolling his eyes as he approached; the only thing Harmony was actually any good at was giving head. And he’d definitely had better. “What seems to be the problem?” he asked smoothly, flashing the petite redhead a smile that made her blush quite prettily and made him wonder how far down the blush went. And then he wondered if she was a real redhead. And then he wondered if… he was called rather rudely away from his fantasies by Harmony’s insistent call of-

“Markie? Markie! I said, do you have a pen I can borrow? ” He fixed her with a glare that made the non-existent blood drain from her face. “…or maybe I can just go ask Wesley for one and not call you that ever again,” she suggested.

“You do that. Now, how can I help you?” Marcus smiled at the woman again and introduced himself. She gave her name as Caitlyn, declined to reveal her last name, and stammered out something concerning a curse her ex-boyfriend had laid upon her. If she hadn’t been quite so attractive, Marcus would have shown her the door immediately – the firm didn’t waste time with petty domestic disputes, after all. “That shouldn’t be too difficult for us to handle,” he said reassuringly as he gestured her to the elevator. “Why don’t we just discuss this up in my office?”

She looked alarmed, for some reason. “Um, can’t we just take the stairs?” she asked faintly.

There was no way she could know that his office was actually in another dimension, therefore not even remotely connected to the stairwell. “I’m sorry, but that’s impossible – there’s nothing to worry about,” he reassured her. When they both boarded the elevator and he pressed his code into the panel, he began to turn back to ask her another needless question just as the elevator got stuck for the second time in forty-five minutes. “That’s…odd,” he mused. Caitlyn leaned back against the glass, hands coming up to cover her face as she shook her head. Marcus glanced over in surprise. “Oh, don’t worry – it’ll be fixed in no time. This never usually happens, it’s quite a coincidence that it has for the second time today…” he trailed off as he saw her shoulders slump guiltily and quickly put two and two together. “The nature of your curse…” he’d seen this sort of thing before, albeit long before she had been born.

Caitlyn peered up at him, biting her lip. “Yes?”

“I think you’ll need to give me your full name.”

She gave him a small, despairing sigh. “Caitlyn. Caitlyn Marie….Murphy. Just like the law.”

That’s what he had thought, and he brought up a hand to pinch the bridge of his nose as he closed his eyes wearily. It figured that he would be the one who had to deal with one of Murphy’s descendants. “You do realize that both sides of The Struggle have vowed to have nothing to do with your clan…don’t you? The very fact that you are here with me now is a direct violation of the Compact.” Suicide was really the only escape he had now – except by her very nature, Caitlyn’s presence would bungle his attempt and he would be left with nothing more than a very painful wound and/or left in a semi-vegetative state. Why did this have to happen to him?

He dropped his hand to his side and glared down at her – she shrank back against the wall, tears forming in her big green eyes. Damn it, he liked green eyes on a beautiful woman almost as much as he liked blue. “I’m sorry,” she said in a small voice. “I just want to be free of it, that’s all. I know I’m not supposed to be here, but I didn’t know what else to do… I can’t stand it anymore.” And now she was crying and she looked even more beautiful – he loved to watch women cry. Double damn. “Isn’t there any way you can help me?” The big, wet, green eyes looked up at him through long, damp lashes. Damn it.

“Not in this elevator, there’s not,” was all he could come up with. Then cursed himself for the implication that he would help when a hopeful look spread across her face. Though perhaps there was a way he could use this to his advantage… “I don’t think the Murphy family fortune can handle a bill from this firm,” he began smoothly, watching her closely. “We’ll have to work out a form of….alternate…payment.”

“What do you mean by alternate paym-” The blush was back full-force as she digested his meaning. “Oh.”

“Is that going to be a problem?” With a few steamy looks, flexing, and insinuations thrown in, Marcus was able to hint that it was the least she could do since she had importuned him in the first place. After all, she wasn’t even supposed to be here – and the spell she had purchased to make her magickal signature invisible to the scanners was extremely illegal, so he had that leverage as well.

Caitlyn swallowed hard, looking at him with an expression he had seen often enough to be assured of his victory. None of them could really help themselves in the end, and they could never pass up the chance to take him to their beds even if the world would end if they did. “No, I think we can work something out,” she said faintly. Her expression grew alarmed as he moved towards her purposefully and as he had thought it might, the elevator began to travel upwards once more. “That was on purpose,” she accused, her cheeks still bright scarlet.

“It was,” he agreed. “Now if you’ll just follow me…”

He led her into his spacious office and picked up the contract that was the only thing littering his large desk. Glancing over it quickly he saw that all stipulations were there as well as the clause which allowed him to circumnavigate the rules of the Compact…he also saw from an attached memorandum that Caitlyn was the sole surviving member of the Murphy clan. And the first pure-blooded female of her family without attachments. His eyes drifted to the bottom of the paper and he couldn’t help but smile at the list of suggestions typed there for negation of the curse. Of course, he couldn’t let her know any of these options because Murphys were notoriously hard to manage and always fought hard to keep their bloodline alive. He wasn’t sure why, since they always complained about how hard it made their lives. Removing the list and pushing it into a drawer, he slid the paperwork across the desk to her. “This will help me?” she asked. He smiled and nodded. Little did she know. “Do you have a pen?” He pushed a quill across and she sighed. “Do you have any ink?”

Marcus pushed a ceremonial dagger across the desk with another smile. “Knock yourself out.”

Caitlyn paled instantly. “I have to sign in blood?”

He was out of his seat and around the desk in moments, leaning over her. “You came in here, you weren’t supposed to. You wanted help, I said I’d give it. You want to be free of the curse, you’d best sign that contract,” he breathed in her ear. Noticeable shivers ran down her body at his proximity, and Marcus smiled to himself as he leaned in even closer to brush his lips over her neck. She brought a shaking hand to the knife and let out a small squeal as she pressed the ball of her thumb against the tip. “Good girl,” he murmured, letting a hand slip down into the low collar of her shirt and caressing what flesh he could reach without ripping the fabric while she sighed and attempted to sign her name properly. That feat accomplished, the “ink” flared white and sank into the paper, thus rendering the contract valid.

Marcus pushed the papers, quill, and knife away suddenly. He didn’t need them anymore…only one implement would be useful now, and it certainly wasn’t in a desk drawer. She put up a small protest as he picked her up in his arms and began to carry her through a door which flickered into existence suddenly. “I thought….I…that you were going to…”

“I think it’s best to establish you as a paying client first.” They emerged into his large bedroom, and he deposited her on the bed before reaching for his zipper. The pressure in his groin was so intense he thought he might explode if he wasn’t inside her soon, and he wasn’t about to wait another second if he didn’t have to. She didn’t seem to mind pre-payment, judging from the way she tore at her own clothes, watching him with undisguised lust in her eyes. It figured that his zipper would choose this exact time to jam, and he pulled at it in frustration before the tiny metal pull came off into his hand. “Miss Murphy…”

“Sorry…” Well, he had more suits even though he particularly liked this one. A tug on the fabric ripped it at the seams and he yanked his shirt off at the same time so he was left in his boxers after he removed his footwear. Oh, this was going to be good… she looked even better out of her clothes than in them. “You have no idea how long it’s been,” she was saying as he let the black silk fall around his feet. “No one ever wants to even try to sleep with me because of all the things that are always going wrong.” He saw exactly what she meant as he moved one foot to walk to the bed and tripped over the tatters of his trousers. Well, his approach certainly hadn’t been the most elegant he had ever attempted, but hopefully this was as embarrassing as it could get. Marcus joined her on the wide mattress and pulled her into his arms for a passionate kiss. “Ouch!” she drew back as their teeth knocked together, and he was the one to mutter an apology.

Their second attempt was more successful, and he pushed her onto her back so he could run his hands over her body. She moaned his name, sliding a hand down his chest and between his legs to fondle him. Marcus grunted in appreciation, thrusting against her palm and sucking a nipple into his mouth. Her unique nature manifested itself once more as she stroked his cock eagerly. “That feels – no, no, no, stop…” he frantically tried to disengage himself from her stroking fingers but was too late to stop himself from coming in her hand. “Fuck!” He rolled onto his back and glared up at the ceiling.

Caitlyn wiped her fingers on a corner of the sheet. “So, are you…?”

“No, I’m not finished!”

“Oh. Well, I’ll just wait for a bit while you…”

“You do that.” He rubbed his hands over his face and turned on his side to face her. “How much worse will it get?”

“Do you really want to know?”

“Probably not,” Marcus decided. “Okay, let’s try this again….and try not to touch so much.” He moved over to her side of the bed and beckoned her closer, firmly putting all thoughts of his premature ejaculation in the back of his mind. Shortly she was mewling in pleasure as he kissed and stroked her body, grasping at his sides to urge him on when he settled between her legs and began to press forward.

“Ooh, Mister Hamilton…yes!” She threw her head back as he began to slide into her, looking up in surprise when he stopped moving. “What’s wrong?”

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Marcus sighed. He rolled off her a second time, re-inspecting the ceiling. He probably should get it painted. Perhaps a nice fresco or something.

Caitlyn made a sound that was no doubt meant to convey her extreme frustration with this turn of events, as if she could possibly be more annoyed at his lack of fortitude than he was. “Look, Marcus: I’m really, really sorry.” Marcus’ thoughts shifted towards the location of the nearest blunt object. If she said that it happened to everyone sometimes, he wasn’t responsible for the consequences. “It’s perfectly normal, it just happens.”

“Well, it doesn’t happen to me!” Marcus snarled, sitting up angrily. He was ready to simply forget the sex and get on with her “cure” if his manhood was going to be impugned in such a manner.

She sighed and sat up, wrapping her arms around her legs as she drew them up to her chest. “Look, I’m really sorry. Seriously. Everything around me is just messed up, and it’s all my fault,” she said, starting to cry. “I only came here because I thought you could help me. I figured you might want sex in return.” Caitlyn wiped at her eyes and smiled sheepishly at him. “I was kinda counting on it, actually.”

Marcus’ eyebrows rose. “You were.”

“Yeah. It’s just… I used to temp here, before. Before it all started up when my father died last year, is what I mean. I just, um, always hoped that you’d notice me somehow, but then I had to quit when the curse transferred itself to me.” Caitlyn dropped her eyes, her cheeks reddening. “I’m sorry.”

“So you thought you might get my attention by rendering me impotent, was that it?”

“Yes. I mean, no. Yes,” she said despairingly. “Oh, I don’t know. I just knew that if anyone in this dimension could help me, it would be you and I wouldn’t mind the price you might ask. I guess there’s a really good reason my nickname is ‘Catastrophe Cate’.”

Marcus looked over at her miserable face thoughtfully. She had plainly admitted that she was using him, which was interesting; he was usually the one doing the using. Why did she have to be a Murphy, for Beelzebub’s sake? She had everything he could ever possibly want – she was attractive and had a manipulative nature to boot. And he’d always liked the name Cate for some reason. It was a shame to not fulfill her little fantasy, too. Not like he could ever allow her to set foot outside the firm’s doors and spread the word that Marcus Hamilton couldn’t get it up, so he supposed he was stuck with her and would have to take the next few embarrassing situations as they came. He just hope they didn’t come when he did. “Here’s what will happen. You will call me Marcus, I will call you Cate, and you will come over here and endeavor to behave yourself.”

She flashed him a relieved smile and crawled over, folding the sheets back and sliding beneath them to snuggle under his outstretched arm. He felt her hands start to run over his skin once more and he leaned back against the pillows to allow her exploration to continue. Cate’s murmured praise certainly did him no harm, he reflected with a smile as she practically went into raptures over the size of his endowment. Her coppery hair spread across his stomach as she bent to lick and suck him to attention, and he closed his eyes to enjoy her skill. The feeling of her mouth, hot and wet, wrapped around him was exquisite – she made Harmony seem like a rank amateur. (Not like that was hard, but still…she was very good.)

He actually had to fight her over possession of his penis which, although it was strangely flattering, mostly just felt a bit awkward when she refused to let go. Marcus reminded her that it belonged to him and flipped her onto her back the second she ceded control of it. He shoved inside her with a modicum of foreplay so she wouldn’t have much time to make something go wrong again, but found her more than ready for him. Marcus worked his cock in and out of her, groaning as she wrapped her legs around his hips and tried to pull him closer. Cate screamed out his name as she came, and he evened out his pace to allow her to enjoy it before seeking his own pleasure.

Marcus thrust hard and fast, snapping his hips and letting her cries wash over him before an alarming sound made him pause mid-action. “What was that?”

“What was what?” she gasped. “Don’t stop, keep going…!”

He complied, before stopping once more suddenly. “No, that. Did you hear that sound?”

“I didn’t hear anyth-aaaah!” Her words blended into a screech of alarm as the bed, built to withstand Marcus large frame and proofed against many vigorous sexual encounters, collapsed and unceremoniously dumped the couple on the marble floor.

“That was the sound I meant.” She slapped at him wildly for some reason and he looked down to see that he was basically crushing her under his weight. “Oh, sorry. Would you mind getting on your hands and knees?”

“What? You’ve got to be kidding – the bed collapsed and you just want to jump right back in the saddle?”

He blinked at her caustic tone of voice. “Well…yes. You can be on top if you want, though.” What was wrong with her? It had been her own fault the bed had collapsed, and he told her so.

“And the fact that you’re heavier than a ton of bricks has nothing to do with it, I suppose.”

“Of course it doesn’t. So what’ll it be – hands and knees, or on top? Missionary has unfortunately proved to be a disaster,” he pointed out. “Do you need more foreplay or anything?”

“That’s so sweet that you asked.”

“Just call me Mr. Sensitivity. Oh, hands and knees it is.” He moved behind her and seated himself to the hilt once more, picking up the pace he had set before the furniture disaster had occurred, and shortly had her screaming out nonsense words as he worked himself to climax. Holding onto her hips was probably not the best idea he’d ever had, he thought as she thrashed and reared up to strike him in the face with the back of her head, hard enough to make his nose bleed. “Ouch!”

“Sorry!” He pushed her down to the nearest pillow so she couldn’t head-butt him again, inadvertently putting his hand down on her hair. “Ouch!”

“Sorry…” Marcus moved his hands to either side of her hips, trying desperately to block out any other possible interruptions by focusing solely on how good her body felt, and finally - finally! – achieved completion with a triumphant shout. Tiny fists battering his sides woke him from his post-orgasmic stupor, and he discovered that he had collapsed on top of her again. “Sorry.” He gathered himself to move off of her when she yelled for him to stop. “What is it?”

Cate grabbed at him again and tried to peer beneath her body. “Don’t pull out, it’ll get all over my dress.”

“What?”

“Your you know whatis going to leak all over it. Can you move me over and then pull out?”

This had to be the most bizarre sexual experience he’d ever had. “I can buy you a new one.”

“This one is my favorite. Please, Marcus.”

He sighed and leaned back slightly to allow her to rise up on her hands. “Fine. Just be ready to move when I do.” This was definitely the most bizarre sexual experience he’d ever had, he decided as both of them walked on their knees to a place over which it was safe for him to pull out. “Can I go now?” He was given permission and he moved away from her to find a sheet that wasn’t too covered in splinters so he could pull it up to his waist without any serious discomfort.

Cate moved the precious dress to safety and came over to curl up against him. “That went well. So, um, about your end of the bargain?”

Uh-oh. Now he had to tell her what he’d done. “Well, you’ll know in a few weeks,” he hedged.

“What is that supposed to mean?” Her eyes narrowed dangerously.

“Well.” He shifted so his sensitive parts weren’t within reach. “There were actually several options to take care of your problem. But since you’re the only female of the Murphy clan left and you had already planned on using intercourse as payment…”

“Go on…”

“And since you are of child bearing age…” If he’d been wearing a shirt, he’d be pulling at the collar right about now. “…I just impregnated you.” A splinter suddenly worked itself into a tender portion of his anatomy and he began talking as fast as he could to allay the swell of rage that he could see coming right for him in the form of physical discomfort. “Just – ouch – wait, the DNA of the – ouch – fetus will – ow, stop that! – be absorbed into your body and negate the – hey! – family curse due to the mixing of – ouch – genes.”

He flung back the sheet in a wild attempt to locate the splinters and remove them before they could do any lasting damage. She simply watched him squirm uncomfortably before calming down enough to speak to him again. “And you couldn’t have simply done a blood transfusion?”

One splinter in particular was digging in extremely hard and he barely spared her a glance as he attempted to remove it, cursing his short fingernails. “Who does that sort of thing these days?” Marcus stopped short when he remembered that the option had been on the memo, and decided to just make a run for it. He’d got what he wanted, and so had she…it would just take a while for her ‘cure’ to manifest itself. “Would you excuse me? I have a, err, meeting with a client,” he lied.

“Do you really?”

She stood up and put her hands on her hips, watching him as he tried to search for his clothes without taking his eyes from her. Marcus managed to secure his boxers and pull them on, giving her his best smile. “I won’t be but an hour, if you’d like to stay here and wait until I come back so we can-”

“Do you really think that I’ll stay here and wait? You just got me pregnant without asking-”

“I didn’t hear you complaining about the absence of a condom,” he pointed out rather unwisely, for he immediately slipped and fell hard on his tailbone. “Will you stop that?” he yelled. “You should have read that contract, but you didn’t. You shouldn’t have even walked through Wolfram & Hart’s doors, but you did. Don’t complain to me that I solved both your problems.” Cate’s hair was practically standing on end, she looked so furious. But oh, she was magnificent – really, Marcus had to admire how she stood up to him when anyone else would have left by now. Well, he would have made them leave by now… but even though she’d thoroughly embarrassed him several times, he found himself wanting to still be around her. With a start he realized it was most likely the curse operating on him in a far more insidious manner than it had so far. If anything can go wrong, it will, his mind told him gleefully. Damn it! He was not in love with her, he couldn’t be. Even Murphy’s Law couldn’t make him fall in love with anyone, especially after a one-night stand. Or a mid-day fall to the floor, which was technically what had happened. “What are you doing for dinner later?”

Cate fished in the pocket of her dress and withdrew a cigarette and a lighter. “You have about ten seconds to get out of this room before I-”

“Hey! You can’t do that, it’s my apartment,” he exclaimed, but he was already moving. He couldn’t resist sticking his head back into the room to taunt her, however. “I guess what they say about redheads is true: Fire on top, fiery fu-”


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In the lobby of Wolfram & Hart, one of the security guards glanced over his shoulder when the elevator dinged. “Just someone coming down,” he murmured to the trainee who was shifting from foot to foot nervously. “Relax.” The elevator doors opened and both men scrambled aside as a roiling ball of flame shot straight from the shaft, singing their uniforms. The older man stood and brushed the soot from his jacket, looking at the elevator shaft thoughtfully. “Well, that was new.”


~*~END~*~
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