Beards

DISCLAIMER: No, I don't own Spangel, but I'm expecting Joss to give them to me at any minute.
PAIRING: Spangel all the way baby!
RATING: Weeellll, it's not exactly hard core porn, but it made a few people go 'Ewwwwwwww' so I'll stick with NC-17.
SET: Where else - in bed.
FEEDBACK: Yes Please!
WEBSITE: www.colddeadseed.com. Join in the Spangel love ( yes, there's also Spuffy, Spred and even Spander too). Discussion, forums and fics by various writers far superior to me.


BEARDS:


You know how the girls like describing me with William’s long hair?

Yeah.

And sometimes they like to imagine I have dark hair.

They only give you dark hair in stories where you have some form of amnesia or you’re trying to piss me off.

Heh. Yeah. Well I was thinking ...

This had better be good.

… Why don’t any of them ever write about me having a beard?

*complete dumbfounded silence*

I mean, it’s not like they couldn’t devise some plot so I could grow one. I could be like those guys who have blonde hair and suddenly grow a ginger beard. That’d be so cool and …

Hold it right there!

What?

Why the hell are you even imagining yourself with a beard?

It’d be cool.

Noooo, it would be about the furtherest thing from cool I could think of.

You saying you wouldn’t love me if I had a beard?

I’m saying NOBODY would love you if you had a beard. Not your mother, not me, not the fangirliest Spike fans in the universe.

But why not? What’s wrong with beards?

You’re not serious?

Deadly. Come on – just tell me what the big turn off would be?

*deep breath, then …*

Okay, how big is it?

We still talkin’ beards here pet, or are you makin’ a pass?

How. Big.

Fucking enormous! Massive. A humungous full hairy fuzzy beard. Cut all the pubes off everyone in Los Angeles and stick ‘em on my face and that’s what I want you to imagine me like.

That’s truly disturbing, even for you.

So you wouldn’t love me?

Could you trim it like George Michael-type facial hair?

Oh how did I know you’d find him sexy? *punch* No – that’s just a bit of bum fluff on his face. It doesn’t count. I’m talking BEARD here. Me, Spike with a great big bushy beard.

You’re just being ridiculous. No one is going to write a fic about how sexy you are with a giant beard.

Why not?

Well name me one single man who has a beard who is considered even vaguely sexy.

*long pause*

Tom Hanks had one for that Castaway movie!

Tom Hanks isn’t considered sexy even without the beard!

Oh. Ummm … Okay … Gerry Adams!

You’ve really lost the plot.

We’d both have the evil, sexy yet hairy thing going for us.

Gerry Adams is in no way sexy.

Hmmpph. Okay, Fidel Castro!

You’re just being stupid.

Osama Bin La….

Spike!

Well, gotta admit that he does have lots of admirers!

Followers, not admirers, and again … in no way sexy.

Grizzly Adams!

Who?

Ah Haaa! Got you there. Hairy AND sexy!

Spike, I don’t even know who Grizzly Adams is. Is he related to Gerry Adams?

Now who's being a plonker! Grizzly Adams is the guy in the Rocky Mountains on that TV show. Massive beard. Best friend was a bear.

Why does that not surprise me?

Sexy as hell!

So he had lots of women after him on this show?

Errr, well, he would have had lots of women after him if there had been any women about. Sorta isolated up there ya know. Sexy yet isolated.

But no women at all?

Not that I remember.

And his only friend was a bear?

Yeah, but …

Did the bear find him sexy?

Shut up Angel. But wait, hang on … ooohh, I remember now, he also had a mate called Jack who had a beard!

His lover?

*peals of laughter*

Haaa, no dickhead, Jack was old. He had a donkey.

He had a donkey or was hung like a donkey?

HAD. But there was also an Indian guy who lived up the mountain that popped in to say hello occasionally. Now I think it’s a safe bet to say he was hung like a donkey!

Yeah, I went to Bombay once and gotta say, the guys there were hung like …

RED Indian, Angel, you prat!

Don’t slap me!

*short scuffle*

Anyway, so this Grizzly guy was gay?

Um, well, probably. Not sure it was ever conclusive.

Well who did he have sex with?

Nobody! Jesus, Angel, Grizzly Adams was on at 10am on a Sunday – nobody had sex on that show, not even the animals. But he was hairy and sexy and I think he was on the run from the law, so he was clearly evil too!

Spike, it’s so obvious that you can’t think of a single person who has a beard who is sexy to anyone.

But I would be! I’d be a groundbreaker. The world’s first bearded sex symbol.

I’d leave you.

No you wouldn’t.

Don’t like hair.

*snort*

Now that’s a blatant lie. In every fic you’re snuffling around in my pubes, or my armpit, just like in real life, ‘ey luv?

I do not snuffle. If I did snuffle I wouldn’t do it around any hairy parts of yours.

What do you call it when you bury your face in my hair then?

*pause*

Appreciating you in your entirety.

And if my entirety included a bushy beard and a hairy back…?

Whoa! Nobody said anything about a hairy back.

It would counteract my hairy face. Sort of complete the package.

You are a truly sick individual and there’s no way the writers would ever write about me running my fingers through your greasy beard, then getting my fingernails caught in your hairy back.

First of all, my beard wouldn’t be greasy. Admittedly, there may be an element of food stuffs gathered in it, not to mention some small nesting insects, but it wouldn’t be greasy.

How comforting.

I could hang little blood bags from it in case I needed a snack.

I fear where your mind takes you.

I fear where your erection is about to take you.

Huh?

Angel! You’ve given yourself a stonker just thinking about my greasy beard and my hairy back.

What? No I haven’t!

You bloody well have. Look at it!

I … I swear… it wasn’t the hair talk.

I knew you had a thing for Stubbly Wes, that furry little beast. Remember how I caught you winking at him?

I didn’t! That was just an eye twitch. I had a retina infection!

You want me Angel. Hung and hairy.

No, no, honestly, it doesn’t turn me on!

Like hell. Let’s talk hair some more.

Get away from me, Spike!

I’ll start growing body hair tomorrow.

Get off me.

I’ll let you plait my beard.

Really? No. Stop it.

Angel, you could run your fingers through the long blonde locks cascading down my spine …

Stay away from me Spike, you’re …

You could do macramé with my back hairs if you got bored half way through shagging me.

That’s such a gross image… that’s …. it’s

I could go and get Oz for a threesome!

Noooo!!!…. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

*long pause*

Heh. See if I had a beard right now I wouldn’t have to go and fetch a towel to mop that up, would I?

Just hold me.

Okay pet.

*snuffle*

*****************