Broken Hallelujah

Title: A Broken Hallelujah
Author: ebonyflames
Feedback: ebonyflames666@...
Rating NC17
AU Angel/Spike
Warning: Mentions Rape and Child abuse

Summary: FGF Challenge #197.txt
William saw Angelus with the Master when he was a Fledging, and now
they're going to talk about it...

Disclaimer: I cannot claim ownership (or responsibility) for any of the recognisable ATS and BTVS characters - they belong to the god that is Joss and Mutant Enemy. I just make them dance for pleasure... Oh and if some of the speech is familiar its just cos I couldn't improve on the actual script...


The candles made the impossibly long stone corridor seem warm and
welcoming. The muted light and the haze that the light smoke from the
candles almost made this into a castle from a poem or one of Dru's
fairytales. He hated coming here. He hated what they had to be when
they were here. Here it was all rules and Lore. At home, well when
Darla was away, they always had fun. Angelus always demanded the
respect his position was due but he was happy to treat William as a
friend of sorts. He called him Will and they had competitions when
they hunted. Of course he was always allowed to take Dru before him,
but that, and general respect, was all that he demanded. When Darla
returned it was all about the Lore and no fun. He had only been a
vampire for 11 years and of those he had only enjoyed 7 of them. That
was because these were the times that it was just the three of them.
The other 4 years had been with Darla and two previous trips here,
each lasting the required 1 month. He hated it.

Darla was in a foul mood at the moment and that just made it worse.
She had dragged Dru into her suite. He had heard her girlish giggles
as he had been ordered to get out and stay away. He couldn't find
Angelus anywhere and he would rather greet the sun than find Penn. He
decided to return to his barren cell and read. Angelus had given him
many books on demonology to study. Angelus wanted to create the
strongest branch of the family so that one day he would be able to
break from the Master's iron grip. Angelus hated the Master. William
couldn't work out why - besides the obvious. Angelus' hatred was ice.
Usually when he was worked up his anger was hot and fiery. But the
odium that he showed the Master was cold. It scared William. He knew
that Angelus was the most dangerous of the Order and he was surprised
that the Master never seemed concerned by Angelus' obvious abhorrence.

He realised that whilst lost in his musings he had taken a wrong turn
in this labyrinth of a lair. He had never been to this part before.
The decor was more ornate than his rough mud-carved hole of a room.
The torches were no longer lit and the darkness was alive. He could
hear it groaning and hissing at his intrusion. He followed the noises
and found himself standing infront of an open door, looking at two
figures on an ornate four-poster, curtained bed. The fire in the
grate and the numerous large church candles gave the room a soft
glow. The red velvet furnishings made it seem luxurious and erotic.
Then the figures shifted...

He was horrified at the sight before him. That cold white back,
muscles clenching and relaxing, arms straining, hips hammering into
the pliant body beneath him. The vicious snarls and grunts of
pleasure that came from the creature as he found a way to sate his
lust. William knew that for vampires the craving that was commonly
known as bloodlust was actually a complex mixture of the need to feed,
the need to fuck and the need to fight. All had one common theme -
domination - power over their prey, power over their subordinates in
their own clan and power over all other demons. Despite this innate
knowledge from his demon and his own observations whilst with Angelus,
Dru and Darla, he had never thought of the Master in that way.
Perhaps it was because he had always seemed like a statue that only
moved to feed and kill. He had never imagined the Master fucking
someone - with very good reason. The wrinkled face, permanently blood
stained mouth, ever present fangs and talons, the cold cold body with
its hard leathery skin - it was a nightmare to think upon. He had to
pity the vampire beneath him, not only for the hideous vision a top it
but the ferocity of the pounding. He could tell from the feet, solid
thighs, wide back and shortish dark hair that the victim was male.
Not only that but the victim was totally passive, unmoving and
unwilling to engage in the activity. His whole body screamed to
William that this was all for the Master's benefit and that he was an
object in this. He was allowed no pleasure or relief (not that
William imagined he'd get any from that thing)unless the Master wished
it. He quite obviously didn't.

The irresistible aroma of sex and fresh blood drew him further inside
the door. He quickly hid himself behind a curtain so that he wasn't
seen by either party. He had a better view from here. The Master's
face was contorted in pleasure and blood dripped down his chin.
William could see a ragged wound in the back on the victim's neck.
This vampire was obviously inferior to the Master - but at the same
time he must be favoured for the Master to take him to bed. William
was only aware of the Master ever bedding Darla, his 'dear one', so
this vampire must be of an equal status.

Perhaps it was Luke - the Master's first childe, although the hair
seemed to dark... That meant it had to be Nicholas, he was the only
one with hair dark enough and the right status in the Clan. Then the
Master changed his angle of entry and had William needed to breathe he
would have suffocated there and then as no air made it past his lips.
There on the 'victim's' shoulder was the image that to him meant
safety and home. The Gryphon. It wasn't Nicholas. It was Angelus.
His Angelus.

William was furious. How could his magnificent and strong God allow
this beast to take him? That wasn't what shocked him though. What
shocked him was the heat that was unfurling in the pit of his belly.
It spread to his loins and crept up his body when the Master began to
demand Angelus moan for him and beg for more. Angelus did. William
missed the dead tone in Angelus' voice as the words called to his cock
like a sirens song. He found himself panting in time with the
Master's thrusts.

Then Angelus turned his head. His eyes locked on William's. For a
second William was paralysed by fear, but it was quickly crushed when
the Master demanded that Angelus tell him he wanted him. Angelus told
him what he wanted to hear but kept his eyes locked on William. He
felt his blood begin to pound round his body, drowning out all noise,
all smells, all sights - but the beautiful body on the bed. The
Master was inconsequential now. He was captured and focused on the
fallen angel being brutalised by a creature of the darkest nightmares.

He was dimly aware of the Master screaming out his release and ripping
into the cream throat, but even the smell of blood didn't move him
from his trance. He heard the Master laugh and mutter "Good Boy" or
something to that effect but it was as if he was underwater - he was
drowning in want and lust. A want that he had never felt before. Not
even for his Dark Princess. He felt the flare of jealousy race
through his veins as the Master seized those perfect lips in a rough
kiss.

He didn't dare move until the had Master dressed and left the room.
He expected Angelus scream at him, threaten to stake him or beat the
unlife out of him. Angelus barely moved, and William moved to the bed.

The smell of blood and come attacked and overwhelmed his senses. As
he got closer he became aware that the sheets weren't covering Angelus
anymore. He had never really seen a naked man before. He had been
brought up a prudish Victorian and the only male he had ever lived
with really was Angelus, and he had his own quarters. William was
entranced by the expanse of creamy white skin spread tightly over well
defined muscles. The dark ink of the tattoo, the dark silky locks
that brushed his shoulders and the crimson blood on his neck and
between his legs made his skin seem like moonlight, glowing a soft
white in the light of the flames. William reached out in his trance
and stroked a hand down the soft skin of Angelus' back and to the
cleft between his cheeks.

Something snapped.

He wasn't concentrating really on what he was doing, it was as if his
body were on auto-pilot. He'd never even contemplated fucking another
man but his body knew what to do. William roughly seized Angelus'
legs and spread them apart. He freed his erect and weeping cock from
the confines of his too tight trousers. He pushed at the abused hole
with one finger and used another from his other hand to spread the
hole wider. Without even preparing Angelus he surged forward until
his cock was buried to the hilt inside cool, soft yet incredibly
muscular tissue.

The muscles naturally clamped down around his shaft and he moaned low
in his throat. He pulled out until just his head remained gripped by
the tight ring and then slammed back in. The tightness round his cock
was indescribable. He growled low in his throat and built up the
pace. He alternated between gripping the powerful arms leaving black
welts on the flawless skin and raking his nails down the broad back as
he scrabbled for purchase as the sensations built around his cock and
in the pit of his stomach.

He never stopped to consider that although Angelus had never objected,
this was still rape. Angelus just lay there taking William into his
body, not moving a muscle to stop the younger vampire.

A few more thrusts and William was unable to hold back, he released
his orgasm straight into the pliant body beneath him. His come mixing
with the Master's deep inside Angelus, running down his legs becoming
pink as the blood tinged it. As he came, William sunk his fangs into
the thick neck in front of him, directly over the Master's mark. As
soon as the old, powerful blood hit the back of his throat he orgasmed
again - more powerfully than he had ever done before in his life. He
gripped. Angelus' hair and yanked his head back to rip a kiss from
those pink heart shaped lips. He pushed his tongue between them and
began to lick all traces of the Master away from this dark cavern - it
was his! He nipped the lips, drawing blood, and swirled his tongue
over canines and tongue and soft palate.

As the aftershocks from his two powerful orgasms calmed, the kiss
became softer, yet still Angelus didn't respond. He collapsed,
satisfied and pleasantly numb, on top of the broad body. His only
regret was that he hadn't had the time to undress, his need had been
too great. He wanted to feel that perfect skin - now marked and
marred by his passion - against his own. Angelus still didn't move.
William pressed a kiss and gentle lick to the bite mark before
snuggling further into the body he was pillowed on.

When he awoke, he was in his own bed, still dressed and more
importantly, he was alone.

*********************************

"Spike?"

"Sorry Sunshine... spaced out a bit there luv. What were we talkin'
'bout?" Spike snapped back from his memories and gave the petite
brunette an apologetic grin.

"I asked you whether you had ever ya know... with another man?" Fred
couldn't look him in the eye as she asked. She didn't want him to get
the wrong idea but he was the only one that she could ask.

"Why'd ya wanna know pet? Does it get ya goin... the idea of two men,
hot and sweaty and movin..."

"Spike please!" She hated the fact that he knew how to embarrass her
so easily. She knew that he knew what he was doing, but it annoyed
her, especially as she had a valid point. She huffed and fixed him
with a no nonsense glare. "I asked you, not for my personal benefit
but because Harmony..."

"What's that dumb cow gotta do with this?"

"Don't be mean!" Spike just looked at her on that comment, so she
decided to cut her losses and carry on. "Yesterday, Harmony asked me
a question that I couldn't answer, and I want ta know the answer.
Just, well, I couldn't really ask Wesley and I didn't want to ask
Angel cos... never mind... so you were the only one I could ask."

"Why couldn't you ask Peaches? He's your mate ain't he?"

"Well he's got a lot on his mind at the moment, ya know, with the
dreams an' all... Anyway, Harmony heard a rumour that all vampires
were, well, bi. Ya know, bisexual." Her voice had dropped to a
whisper and she was glancing around as if someone was going to yell at
her for bringing up a 'naughty' subject.

Spike loved the innocence that Fred still possessed - despite all she
had been through, she was at times still a little girl. In a way she
was a non-crazed Dru. But without the visions. He wondered whether
or not he'd have liked Dru if she hadn't been mad. It had been quite
charming really. He chuckled and offered her a wicked smirk.

"Daren't talk to Percy eh? Scared that he'd get the wrong idea?"

"Spike! Just answer the question!"

"Ok Pet, no need to start with the violence. That is a mean right
hook you've almost got there." He backed away and hopped up onto a
lab bench. "I guess you could say that they are. But really, vamps
are just demons really. We have no morals so anythin' 's fair game
really. Live to fight, feed an' fuck - that's it. Don't matter about
sex - or species... I mean 'av you seen a chaos demon? All slime and
antlers - bloody disgustin if ya ask me! But Dru thought he was a
charmin squire! Can you believe that?"

Fred just looked at him. She had found that whilst she rambled he had
the attention span of a goldfish. Sometimes it was best just to wait
until he came back on his own.

"Anyway... demons sleep wiv whatever they want. They got no emotions
really see, so don't fall in love or nothin' so sleep wiv and kill
whoever they want. 'S an easy way of life. Miss the simplicity
sometimes..."

Fred felt sorry for the vampire. She had never considered it like
that before. Although she had to admit, she was sure who seemed to
suffer more Angel or Spike. Spike missed being a demon but Angel was
haunted by it. Being Fred she pitied them equally.

"Thanks Spike - guess I should go and tell Harmony that it's all a
matter of choice. That's right, right?"

"Yeah Ducks, that's right. Come on, I'll escort you - gotta go annoy
Ponce for a bit. Break up the monotony like." He smirked and offered
her his arm. As he escorted her from the lab his mind was not only on
the past but also on Fred's slip. What dreams?

*****************************************

Wesley was concerned. Angel was distracted and brooding more than
usual. Cordy had always been the one that tackled Angel in the past
about these bouts of depression. He never really opened up to her but
she always snapped him out of it. Now she was gone and he was now
Angel's oldest friend. He briefly contemplated checking the Wolfram
and Hart database on Angel to see if that shed any light on the
situation. The shame that that idea brought made him swiftly rethink
and he realised that he had to talk to Angel. Sooner rather than later.

He headed to Angel's office. He met Spike and Fred in the lobby. They
seemed to be telling Harmony something about vampire's sexual habits,
which Wesley had to admit he found strange. After all, Harmony was
supposed to be a vampire - although she was a poor excuse for one. He
moved to join them as the conversation wound to a close.

"Percy."

Wes had given up on trying to stop Spike calling him that, but had
realised that Spike did what he wanted to anyway.

"Spike, Fred. Finished for the day?"

"Yup. Wanna get Chinese like we used to?" Fred offered Wes a shy smile.

"Freddikins that sounds like a marvellous idea! We haven't had a good
night together since we came here." Lorne was grinning madly at the
other three. "Shall I call our legal eagle? See if he'll join?"

"Sounds good Green."

"Yes, why not. It'll make a nice change from collapsing over half
read books... like nobody I know. Actually, would you all mind
disappearing for a bit. I'd like to have a chat with Angel and I
think that this is the type of thing that is better done... alone."

"The dreams? I thought that they had stopped." Fred winced at the
memories that she had of the Hyperion. Angel screaming during the
night and spending the days locked away in his office or room. She
hated it - he obviously hurt so much.

"No, they just seem to... abate... for awhile and then come back full
force." Wes felt uncomfortable about discussing this in the public of
the lobby and so motioned for them all to enter the nearest conference
room.

"What does he dream about?" Spike couldn't help the nervous flutter
that he felt in his stomach.

"I can't begin to imagine what he dreams about. It could be anything
really. He has 150years of harming people and then however long he
spent in hell to choose from. I am sure that Angel's good dreams are
worse than our most terrifying nightmares."

"I agree Muffin. There are some dark things in that big lug's head
and I don't think that he'll welcome us sticking our noses in. Leave
it alone people... Leave it alone."

There was something in the red eyes that made everyone realise that he
knew some of Angel's nightmares. For Lorne, the office gossip, to
tell them to butt out, it meant that the situation was more serious
than they thought. Spike felt the flutter turn into intrigue. Spike
hated to be out of the loop. He guessed that it was because of how he
had been treated by Angelus circa 1998 and the Scoobies - all of whom
had kept things from him and the paranoia had threatened to drive him
insane. He now needed to know what was wrong with Angel.

He knew that the broody poof would never tell him and from the looks
of the loyal subjects in here he wasn't going to get much from them
either. In fact, it looked like Lorne was the only one who really had
any idea of what could be in Angel's head. There was no way that Lime
Street was going to tell him anything. Sometimes he really hated
having a soul. If he had been soulless a) he wouldn't have cared
about Angel's distress - he was a demon, he was meant to enjoy
another's pain and discomfort - and b) if he had wanted to know he'd
have tortured it out of the humans and Pylean. But he couldn't do
that now... it wasn't very soulful. However, there was nothing to
stop him finding out another way...

******************************

The take-away meal had been nice. Almost like old times. Only
difference was that instead of a snarky ex-Cheerleader come Seer they
now had a snarky ex-evil demon come vampire with a soul. Not much
difference when Angel really thought about it. Although no one would
ever replace Cordy. No one could begin to try. She had been the
heart of their group. Now that role was filled by Fred, but it wasn't
the same.

He missed having Cordy to talk to. Especially now the dreams were
back. She had tried at first to get him to talk about it, then
realising how that was never going to happen she had set about
distracting him. It had worked as well. They watched movies or
trained more than usual so that Angel fell into a dreamless slumber.
Now he had no one to do that for him.

He couldn't help but smile at his friends. Gunn and Wesley were
arguing over a set of demonic laws that Wes was adamant were outdated
and therefore weren't applicable to any modern day cases. Fred went
on to tell them about a weapon that she was designing that would act
like a burst of sunshine and dust vamps and other nocturnal creatures.
Lorne was whipping up Sea Breezes, Margaritas and various other
concoctions that were brightly coloured and accompanied by a small
umbrella. Spike was telling them stories from the Hellmouth - some of
which, Angel had to admit, were hilarious. He tried to stay out of
the conversations, content just to listen to the others having fun.

Angel would have been lying had he said he wasn't relieved when the
others began to leave. He saw them all to the elevator and bade them
good night adding that they should have the morning off. He was so
tired as he trugded back to the elevator in his office to go up to hs
apartment, that he failed to notice the black clad figure emerge from
the stairwell in the lobby.

******************************

Spike sat in the comfy chair in the corner of Angel's room. He had
the strangest feeling of deja vu - only this time he wasn't
incorporeal or being sucked into Hell. Angel had fallen asleep as
soon as he had hit the bed. He had barely managed to remove his
clothes and put on his silk pj bottoms before he crashed. Spike
coudn't help but recall the scene that Fred had forced him to
remember. The skin was just as perfect as it had been then.

Spike had never known what to do about what had happened between them.
Angelus nor Angel had ever mentioned it. He acted round William as
he had always done. Drusilla had told him about the fun that she had
had with Darla and when asked he said that he had spent the night
reading. He didn't know whether to be afraid or grateful or insulted
by the fact that Angelus refused to acknowledge any of it. Even the
part with the Master.

Spike had often tried to recreate what he felt that night, but it had
never been as primal or explosive as that night. No other lover had
ever satisfied his body as throughly. This plus the refusal to
acknowledge what had happened was one of the major issues between
them, Spike supposed. He had taken Dru and other females like that,
even tried a few men, but nothing came close. Now, as he watched
Angel sleep he wondered whether or not he would ever feel it again.
With these thoughts rattling around his head Spike drifted off to sleep.

A hoarse scream woke him a few hours later.

Angel was thrashing, or trying to, amongst the sheets. He was on his
stomach and it seemed to Spike that there was an invisible weight on
Angel's back, holding him in place. Angel was babbling like a
frightened child. Spike couldn't make out everything he said but he
did hear moans of "No" and "Please Stop", but Spike had no idea of
what he was talkng about or afraid of.

He jumped out of his chair and rushed to the bed. It was tearing him
apart to see Angel, the strong and unphased Champion, being broken by
something that he couldn't fight. He reached out and ran his hand
across Angel's shoulders.

The next thing that Spike knew was that he was pinned to the floor
beneath a very terrified and viscious Angel. Angel's eyes were
glowing a fierce gold, saliva was dripping from the bared fangs and
Angel was quivering. Spike could smell the fear that was rolling off
Angel. He avoided eye contact with the older vampire and started a
soothing sub-sonic purring that caused his chest and arms to vibrate.
At the same time he tried to soothe Angel by talking inanely to him.

Gradually Angel came back to reality. He looked down at the vampire
trapped below him and quickly lifted himself off Spike. He ran his
hand through his hair and over his face.

"Sorry."

"Angel, hey, whats going on?" If Spike wasn't afraid for Angel before
he was now.

"It's nothing Spike. Really. Just a nightmare." Angel sat down on
the bed. He was still shaking. Spike pulled the comforter off the
foot of the bed and wrapped it around the larger vampire. He was
devastated when Angel jumped and pulled away from his touch.

"Angel, there is something seriously wrong with you. What was the
dream about?" He knelt down in front of the older vampire and tried
to keep eye contact.

"What, are you spying on me now? What the hell are you doing up here
anyway?" Angel's fear turned to anger so quickly that Spike felt he
had blinked and missed it.

"I was worried about you. Heard the others talkin' earlier and I was
worried for you. I know about nightmares luv. Caused a few in my
time." Spike bowed his head. He couldn't help it when he reached out
and took Angel's hand.

"Don't." Spike looked up. He couldn't figure out what Angel was on
about until he snatched his hand away.

"Angel..."

"Not now Spike."

"No! You need to talk about this! Whatever the hell you have got
going on in your head you need to let it go!" Spike gripped Angel's
hand and held on.

"Let go." Angel's voice was low and deadly. Spike knew that if he
didn't he could very well find his head being severed from his body.
But he knew that it was more important to get Angel to talk about what
was bothering him.


"Not a chance. Not until you tell me what the hell is going on here.
You're friends are worried and you are in the mouth of hell Angel,
you can't afford to fall apart now." Spike had lowered his voice so
that it was calm and soothing. He removed the harsh cockney twang and
allowed it to become his true Victorian accent. He lightly brushed
his fingers over the hand he was holding.

Angel gave a bitter chuckle and his eyes darkened - with anger or
fear, Spike wasn't sure. "This isn't Hell. I've seen Hell and this
is a walk in the park."

"I forgot about that. That whats spookin you?"

"Yes, no. Please, you don't want to do this."

"Yes I do Angel. OK so we aren't the best of friends but we were once
and do you see anyone else here? All your other friends have gone
home to their comfy beds and sweet dreams. 'M here Angel. You need
to talk to someone and 'm 'ere. Please... who else would understand?"

Angel took a deep breath. "I don't want to do this. You don't want
me to do this Spike... trust me."

"No Angel. I do want you to do this. Nothing can get you here ok?
You're safe, ok?"

"Maybe it's not me that I'm protecting here Spike. Maybe... Look lets
not OK?"

"Angel, we are staying here til you tell me what the bloody hell is
going on! I don't care what you have to say - you are going to say it
and get it off your chest. You need to, otherwise it'll destroy you."
Spike couldn't help the growl that was becoming more pronounced as he
spoke.

"Ok, ok... Not in here. Get us a drink. I'll be out in a minute."

Spike acquiesced and left the room. As he was hunting for the whisky
he heard the shower snap on. He brought the bottle and two glasses to
the sofa and place them on the table in front of it. He then went and
heated up some blood. He heard the shower turn off just before the
microwave dinged. A few moments later Angel appeared. His hair was
roughly spiked and he was wearing worn blue jeans and a red long
sleeved jumper. He looked so vulnerable.

He took a seat on the sofa. He drained the blood and followed it
swiftly with a good shot of whisky. Spike poured him another, took
one himself and then just sat back and waited. The silence seemed to
last forever but eventually Angel spoke. Spike couldn't help but
notice the soft Irish brogue that swept in as he spoke.

"When I was a boy, me Da, thought I was worthless. He kept saying that
I had to have bad blood in me because no son of his would ever be as
pathetic as I was. The more he ridiculed me the more problematic I
made myself. I'd do anything to have his attention for a while, just
on me and not the business or the house. Just me. Eventually it go
to the point were we had such a fight that I left the house vowing
never to return. Darla killed me that night.

Before that though, before things got so bad, he thought that he had a
way to help me. He sent me to this man who helped the priest at the
local Church. Da thought that he could get the Devil out of me. At
first it was Ok, the man - Donal - just used to tak to me. I found
myself going to him more and more, me Da was never there and I
couldn't talk to me Ma, so Donal was the only option. Been going to
him about a year when he kissed me the first time. Didn't bother me
that much, I already had a reputation for being a flirt already by
then, but Donal wanted more. When he made me bring him off, I knew
that it was wrong. I'm sure you remember the Victorian views on
sodomy, well imagine an Irish Catholic's..."

Angel took another shot of whisky from his glass and refilled it. He
hadn't once looked at Spike, he just stared at the amber liquid and
crystal in his hand, occasionally swirling it for effect. Spike
wasn't sure that he liked where this conversation was going. Angel
seemed to be drawing in on himself, but Spike needed for him to keep
going.

"I told me Da what he had done. Da beat the crap out of me. He took
a strap to me, his belt. The buckel hurt like hell if it caught you.
He gave me a day to heal and then dragged me back. He made me tell
Donal the lie that I had made up about him, apologise and then he left
me there. Donal was nice that time. He dressed my back and let me
cry. I thought it was over, then a few days later the same thing
happened. That time I didn't tell me Da anything, I just thought that
he'd leave me alone.

When I was thirteen, I slept with our maid. First person I ever slept
with. Da caught us. He told Donal that he wasn't doing a good enough
job and that he wasn't hard enough on me. After my back healed, Donal
changed the game. He said that if I was old enough to whore myself
out to the women of the town, then as payment for all the help he'd
given me, whoring myself to him was the least I could do. I remember
crying into a lumpy matress. It hurt more than any whipping my father
ever gave me."

Angel hadn't noticed that he had drawn his knees up to his chest and
wrapped his arms around himself in a subconcious effort to hold off
the demons of his past. He was beginning to shake. Spike wanted to
help him somehow but he thought that any moves on his part would be
unwelcomed.

"Anytime I tried to talk to me Da about it, he just beat me and sent
me back. I slept around more to erase the hurt, stole and fought
hoping that Da would realise something was wrong. He never did, he
just thought that I was a huge failure. I was lucky though. Donal
died when I was 17. I had ten years wthout him. The worst thing
about all of it was Donal was my friend...

I thought that when I became a vampire I was free of all things like
that. I was wrong, the Master pulled Sire crap on me. I tried to
fight the first time and he almost killed me. Drained me until I was
almost unconcious and then took me anyway. He wasn't much for
audience participation. It was like being fucked by a steel girder.
I never knew which was worse him fucking me or the pain from
resisting. It was always the same, drained to the point of no return
and then he'd fuck me for as long as he wanted. Eventually I stopped
fighting.

Darla wouldn't help me, it was his right as the Master. Infact I
think that she was proud. He wanted her boy more than he wanted any
of the boys he'd made. She was sure it meant I was his chosen
successor. He always told me that I had a pretty back. He loved to
run his nails down and lick the blood off. I got the tattoo in hope
that he would hate it and leave me alone. He thought that the A meant
Aurelius, but I told it that it was for Angelus because I belonged to
no one. He laughed and said that I was his, I belonged to him.

I kept away from court as much as I could, but I had to go if he
summoned me. Tried not to once, Luke came and dragged me there. I
amost took his eye out in my fury and really did a number on his face
- that's why he always went around in game face, so no one could see
what I had done. I rippped Europe apart in retaliation. The Master
never wanted humans to know about our kind so I made my killings as
grusome and obviously vampiric as I could. My reputation only made
him proud and he wanted me more.

The one time that I got away from him, he threatened to take Penn and
Drusilla. I may have been evil but I loved them, they were mine and I
was not going to allow that bastard to touch what was mine. In return
for keeping them safe I had to let him have me... had to be his good
little boy."

Spike knew what was coming next and with all his heart he didn't want
to hear it. But Angel moved on.

"When I got my soul he wanted nothing to do with me - should have got
it earlier really. Surviving with a soul was tough. Eventually it
became impossible to survive on just animal blood and as the cities
grew farms and wild animals were few and far between. I needed cash
to buy food and cothes and a place to live. Not many jobs after
sunset. It was easy, humans can't hurt us that much...

I deserved it I guess. A chance for humans to rip into the monster
that woud kill them in a heartbeat. I could escape when they had me.
After that first thrust, I was gone, the guilt was gone. I just shut
down and ignored the world. Came back when they zipped up and dropped
the money. Had to stop all of that though. Don't think that Buffy
would've understood. Her perfect soulful Angel was a whore. Ironic,
a hundred years of sex and it was sleeping with her that cost me my soul."

Tears were pouring down hs cheeks now, but Angel was unaware. He was
a broken boy who wanted to be loved not used. The one time that
happened and his world was ripped apart.

"That became a feature in Hell. The told me that I was not meant to
have pleasure, just meant to give it to others. I was nothing more
than a convenient hole. I thought that the Master was a vicious
fucker, I was wrong. Some of them weren't even designed to be able to
fuck humans, they adapted. Not sure how many times a night they came,
but it felt like I serviced all the legions of Hell. It was worse
than any torture. At times I saw Donal or the Master or you or Buffy
watching and giving them tips. Telling them how hard to thrust or
were to bite. They always called me their Angel or Boy. When they
left, they were always there in my dreams. They made it so that my
body recovered quicker than it should have to get the maximum use out
of me. I can still feel their hands and mouths and no matter how many
showers I take I'll never wash them off.

That's why I can never go back to Buffy... I'll never be clean. I
hated hated having to kiss her when I came back because I knew where
my mouth had been. How many demons it had sucked off, how much come
it had tasted. I feared kissing or touching her because she'd taste
it and she'd know, know what I'd done, know what I was.

At night I used to dream that they had me back, they were holding me
down and welcoming me home. Telling me that they had missed me, that
I was their boy... I would wake so feral that it would take a while
for the world to come back. Then I slept with Darla and my soul
wasn't lost. That stopped the dreams. But then you appeared and they
were pulling you into Hell. You saved the world and they could still
get you! They could get me too... I thought that they might realise
that they were after the wrong vampire. I was their whore, they'd
want me not you..."

Angel stopped. He couldn't go on. Spike had no idea of what to do.
It was like seeing God brought down by man. He imagined that
believers at the crucifxion felt this way. He wanted to know why
Angelus had let him hurt him so much, why Angel wouldn't talk about it
to him. He didn't know how to ask though. They sat in relative
silence, until Spike found his voice again. He took a deep breath and
it came out like a timid child. He didn't want to cause anymore distress.

"Angel, why did you let me then... that night. You might not have
been able to stop the others... but me? You... all you had to do was
look at me wrong and you put the fear of Hell into me. You could have
stopped me..."

Spike was heartbroken. He had never thought that Angelus was raped,
or that Angelus could be broken in anyway. He was dead wrong. Worst
of all, it seemed to him as if his actions were worse to Angel than
any of the others. He felt sick.

Angel's voice was so soft that he had to focus to hear it.

"I thought you would be different. William was always so gentle. I
guess that I wanted you to make it better. Give me something in
return. It was always about them, never about my pleasure. It always
hurt, in such a way that it wasn't pleasurable at all. I just wanted
to feel something..."

Angel had been fighting so hard not to, but at that point he broke.
250years worth of pain broke from his chest in wracking great sobs.
Spike ignored the tears in his own eyes and moved to the sofa. He
pulled Angel to him, ignoring the protests that sounded like "I'm
damaged" and rocked him like a child. He stroked the dark hair and
kept a tight hold on the shaking body. He murmured nonsense about how
Angel wasn't worthless, how he was a Champion and how many people
loved him. Angel was lost to his grief though.

Eventually the sobs subsided and Spike realised that Angel was
drained. Careful, so as not to disturb the increasingly precious
bundle in his arms, Spike got to his feet and carried Angel to the
bedroom. He gently laid Angel on the bed and pulled the covers over
him. He placed a gentle kiss on Angel's forehead and grabbed his
duster before leaving the apartment.

***************************

He was surprised to see that the gang was in Angel's office when he
went down. They were waiting for the traditional Friday morning, end
of week meeting. He couldn't meet their eyes.

"Hey blond beauty, where's Angelcakes? You didn't stake him did you?"
Lorne was nervous.

Spike couldn't help the involuntary sucking in of breath that came
with that comment. "No I didn't... Look, Big Guy had a bad night
right. He ain't comng down today. So you all do what you want, yeah?"

He turned from them to buzz Harmony to cancel all of Angel's
appointments and get him a load of fresh blood sent up to the
penthouse. He realised that Lorne and Wes were still in the room.
They were going to be the hardest to shake. Both knew Angel too well.

"What is going on Spike. I realise that I am only human and you could
kill me but let me inform you that I am a damn good shot." He cocked
the gun that he held. "And I know that these will hurt like Hell."

Spike didn't rise to the threat. He sank into Angel's chair, being
comforted and distressed by it all at once. The smell of Angel
surrounded him. "Look, Wes, I aven't done anything. Scout's honour.
It's just that, I was worried, heard you lot talkin about the dreams
and remembered my time with the First. Wanted to make sure that they
were just dreams."

"I am sorry Spike." Wes put the gun away. "I jumped to conclusions,
that was unfair. Do you know what is going on?"

"Yeah. Its not pretty. He won't tell you. He's got a lot to deal
with... Its complicated. It isn't anything that he did, its Hell. He
thinks its catching up to him."

"Listen Spike, get him to open up. Tell him we're here for him and
that I might know a spell that could help him sleep at night." With
that Wes left.

Lorne narrowed his eyes and fixed the vampire with a look. "I've seen
inside that head Sweet Pea. If you use it against him at any point -
I will kill you." Lorne, not one to make threats, was aware of the
effect that would have on the blonde.

Spike simply nodded and turned back to the elevator.

************************************

Spike entered the quiet apartment. He started to clean up. He washed
the mugs and the glasses and left them on the draining board to dry.
He then put the whisky away and straightened the cushions on the sofa.
He moved to the bedroom to see Angel still fast asleep. He picked up
the discarded towels and took them into the bathroom. He hung them
over the towel rack and went back to the lounge.

He flicked on the tv and proceeded to channel surf over the few
hundred channels that Angel had.

A few hours later and Spike heard the same yelling from the bedroom.
He moved back into the bedroom and called Angel's name. Angel was
just as feral when he woke, but calmed quicker when he heard Spike's
voice. He looked at Spike, despair very evident in those wide brown
eyes. There was an innocence there that Spike had never seen before.
That he hadn't imagined Angel or anyone other than Fred, capable of.
Spike moved to the bed and stroked Angel's arm.

"I want it over. I want it gone. I thought that telling you would
get rid of them, that they'd leave me alone. But they're back... they
want me back."

"Shh Pet. Its ok... I've got you, I promise I've got you. They can't
get you... Shh." Spike moved closer and was relieved that Angel
didn't move away. In fact, he moved into the comfort.

Spike suddenly realised that this was how Angel could banish his
demons. He needed physical comfort. He craved the contact.

"Pet, Angel? I can take the demons away... I know how to get rid of
them. Do you want that?" He felt Angel nod against his shoulder and
carried on.

"You have to trust me here luv, can you do that?"

Another nod. Spike shifted his position.

"OK Sweets. Look at me. Keep looking at me... I'm not going to hurt
you. Ok? I'm not going to hurt you."

Spike pushed Angel down back onto the bed and lent forward. Gently he
placed his lips on Angel's and tried to ignore the shaking man. He
licked at the closed lips, causing them to open. He held back a moan
as he explored the teeth, gums and shy tongue that started to flick to
meet his. He twirled his tongue around Angel's and keep up the gentle
coaxing. He eventually drew back and was as much relieved as
delighted by Angel following him. He let Angel take control of the
kiss, giving himself over completely.

One hand wrapped itself in the silky dark hair, the other trailed down
Angel's body, stroking him softly. Gradually Spike moved to cover
Angel's body, lying on top of him. Angel stiffened but Spike kept up
the gentle and slow strokes and kisses until he calmed. He was
relieved to find out that Angel was enjoying the kiss. Angel's arms
came up to hesitantly wrap around Spike and pull him further into the
kiss. Spike needed to do more though. He needed Angel to want this.

He broke the kiss and looked down at the black eyes. Angel's lips
were slightly swollen from the kiss and he was panting despite the
fact that he didn't need to breathe. Angel was becoming aroused.
Spike smiled down at him.

"Ok Peaches?"

Angel just nodded. Spike moved on to the second part.

He dropped a gently kiss on Angel's lips and then kissed his way to
Angel's jaw. As he did so his hands started to play with Angel's
nipples through his top. Gently he pulled and rolled them until they
hardened. He was surprised at how sensitive they were. He glanced at
Angel's face, pleased to see the blissed out expression. His eyes
were closed, his mouth open and his tongue kept darting out to wet his
lips. Spike pulled his hands and lips away and was positively giddy
when Angel moaned at the lost, his hands tried to pull Spike back.

"Shh Pet... Lift up."

Angel did as he was told and Spike pulled the top over his head. Spike
then pulled his own top off and lowered back to his task. He kissed
and nipped his way down Angel's neck and peppered little kisses across
his collar bone. He laved at one nipple, bit it and sucked it into
his mouth. He casually rolled the other nub around in his fingers,
pinching and pulling at it. Spike switched his mouth to the other nipple.

Encouraged by the breathy moans and little tremors running through
Angel's body, he moved his free hand to Angel's crotch. He began to
grind it, please to feel Angel coming alive under his ministrations.
Spike bit down hard on one nipple and Angel flew off the bed. Spike
chuckled and began to move further down the creamy body beneath him.
He licked and sucked and performed every oral act that he could
imagine on Angel's torso and stomach. He moved the hand that was on
Angel's nipple to stroke Angel's sides, feeling Angel quiver when he
hit a ticklish spot. The hand stroking Angel's rapidly growing
erection flicked open the button on Angel's jeans, lowered the zip and
moved inside.

He moved futher down. He glanced up at Angel's face and traced his
free hand down his cheek bone.

"Peaches... Baby... I'm gonna get you jeans off now. Ok Ducks?"

His only answer was a raise of the hips and Spike quickly divested
Angel of his pants. He briefly admired Angel's cock as it stood away
from his body. It was thicker than Spike's and slightly longer. The
tip was red and already weeping and Spike didn't hesitate to deep
throat him, nuzzling into the dark wiry curls at its base. He felt
Angel arch and groan his name and decided that he loved the sound as
it fell from Angel's lips. He inhaled the intoxicating musky smell
that was Angel and concentrated on swallowing hard.

Angel began to babble. He fisted the bed sheets, Spike's hair -
anything he could get his hands on. He practically screamed when
Spike released him and moved to place light kisses on Angel's hips and
thighs. He pulled on Spike's hair but Spike was focused with his task
and smiled into Angel's skin.

"Want something Baby?"

"Please..."

"Please what pet?"

"Please... suck... God..."

"You want me to suck you pet?"

Spike couldn't help but love the fact that he had reduced Angel to
this mass of quivering, panting, babbling, incoherent piece of flesh.
This was more satisfying than anything. He decided that he had
better comply with Angel's request. He sunk his fangs into Angel's
femoral artery. A few pulls and Angel came, hard. Thick, opaque,
ropey sperm shot all over Angel's belly and chest. Spike licked the
wounds closed and then moved to clean off Angel's torso.

He moved back up the body lapping and kissing everywhere, then he
placed a deep kiss on Angel's lips, allowing Angel to taste himself.
He let out a deep sigh.

"Tasty Peaches... See."

Angel just kissed him again, licking all traces of himself from
Spike's mouth.

"Ready for the main event pet?"

Angel's eyes immediately became wide and scared. Spike started to
stroke his cock back to life and pull on one nipple. He needed Angel
to be able to do this.

"I... I..."

"Shh... not gonna hurt you. Promise. Love ya too damn much to do that."

Angel's eyes flew to Spike's. They seemed slightly less scared but
they were wide and wary. Spike pressed a gentle loving kiss to
Angel's lips.

"Mean it Baby. Love you."

Angel melted. Tears rolled down his cheeks and he released himself
into Spike's care.

"Don't hurt me."

It was barely more than a whisper.

"Never."

Spike kept kissing him. Inside he was crowing at the fact that Angel
hadn't rejected him, that he had surrendered. Spike had what he
wanted for the first time in one hundred years. He knew now what
William had not realised - he loved Angel, Angelus, the body below him.

Spike lifted off the bed and removed his own jeans. His cock was hard
and aching with the need for relief. Angel was more important than
his own release. He kissed Angel again and moved to lie between
Angel's spread legs. He licked the cock, teasing the foreskin down.
He sucked the weighty ball sacks into his mouth and rolled them
around. He placed light kisses down Angel's perenium and lifted
Angel's legs over his shoulders. He parted the pale cheeks and licked
at the quivering hole in front of him. He began a slow, teasing
rimming, pausing every now and then to push his tongue into the tight
ring of muscle or to kiss and bite one of the pale globes.

Angel was shaking again. He was panting - this was too much for him.
He began to moan, he couldn't believe how exsiquisite this was. He
had never felt this before. It had never been so loving...

Spike quickly licked one finger and eased it inside of Angel. He
paused at each stage so that Angel could become used to the invasion.
He never wanted to hurt Angel and he wanted to have him again and he
needed Angel to want this. He began to slowly piston it in and out of
Angel. He felt the muscle loosen and added a second finger. The other
hand reached up to stroke Angel's erection. He added a third finger
and increased his pace, both thrusting and stroking. He heard Angel
scream his name as he came a second time.

He slowed the fingers down, easing Angel down from his orgasmic high.
When Angel was back with him, Spike shifted and removed his hands
from Angel's body. Gripping the ankles on his shoulders he moved so
that his head sat at the entrance to Angel's body. He leaned down and
kissed Angel. As he did so he pushed forwards into Angel's bosy. He
swallowed the cry that fell from Angel's mouth and braced himself with
his hands on either side of Angel's head.

"I'm sorry. Pet it's over now. Not gonna move til your ready yeah."

Spike kept worshipping Angel's face. He kissed lips, cheeks, nose and
eyes. He licked away tears and up Angel's cheek bones. He nibbled
earlobes and buried himself in thick dark hair. Gradually Angel
relaxed and Spike began to rock gently. He didn't dare begin to
thrust until he was sure Angel could cope. Slowly, Angel started to
rock back and Spike could feel him swell between their stomachs. He
withdrew from Angel and felt Angel's hands come up to grip his hair.
Slowly, he pushed back in and angled to hit Angel's prostate dead on.
Angel'e eyes flew open.

"Good Pet?" It was all Spike could manage whilst beng gripped so
fiercely.

"Ugh..." Angel wasn't able to manage anything near a word. He was
flying, away from the nightmares.

Gradually Spike picked up the pace, making sure that he hit Angel's
prostate everytime. He could feel the coil in his stomach tightening.
He was sweating with the effort of the gentle but firm strokes and
not going into game face. He did not want to remind Angel of Bat
Face. That was another reason that Angel was on his back not his
front. This needed to be different.

He felt the muscles in Angel's ass begin to spasm around him and he
threaded his fingers through Angel's. He leaned down and whispered,
"Bite me luv." licking over the shell of the ear as he spoke. Angel
sunk his fangs into Spike's neck and bit down harder as the heady
blood forced his orgasm out of him. Feeling Angel bite him and orgasm
around him forced Spike over the edge. He bit into Angel's neck as he
came. The thick blood sent him soaring and he blacked out with the
force of his own climax.

**********************************

When he awoke, Angel was calm and peaceful. He felt Spike's wieght on
him like a heavy and welcomed blanket. He was sticky and sweaty and
he had never felt better. His entire body was humming. He felt more
alive than he had done in ages. He felt wanted and loved. He was
Spike's boy now, he didn't belong to the demons, Donal or the men that
had paid him. He belonged to the blue-eyed soul above him.

He felt Spike stir, but he didn't dare speak. He didn't want to lose
this feeling. Lazy blue eyes looked at him. Spike didn't move off
Angel. He was still buried inside Angel, despite the flaccid nature
of his cock. Their hands were still locked together. Spike squeezed
Angel's fingers.

"Alright there luv?"

Spike wasn't sure that he wanted the answer. If Angel had been hurt,
he'd walk into the sun, he could feel it. This was more than he felt
for Buffy or for Dru. This was soul crushing and exciting and
terrifying and Spike wanted it more than ever.

"Yeah..."

Angel tightened the grip he had on Spike's fingers and closed his eyes.

"Want me to go..."

Angel didn't answer. He broke their hands and Spike's heart fell.
Angel wrapped his arms around Spike and pulled him down into him.

"Never. Never leave me."

"Not going anywhere luv. 'M a possessive bastard Pet. Don't let go
when I've got what I want. Not letting you go at all. Your mine now
Peaches, all mine."

Angel chuckled and it warmed Spike's heart.

"Kinda guess that from the claiming bite."

"It's staying. Can you handle it? Being my property?"

"I think that I might enjoy being someone's property for once. As
long as you love me."

The look in Angel's eyes was that of fear, fear of rejection and Spike
kissed it away. Between the kisses he murmured "Love... you... so...
bloody... much... not... letting... go... ever..."

Angel caught Spike's face with both hands and forced him to look at
him. He smiled, he finally felt at home. Here with Spike was where
he belonged. Here he was safe and loved and wanted.

"Good. I love you too."

Spike's eyes opened wide. He was used to being the one to love
another. He was used to having another in his bed. He wasn't used to
seeing someone love him. He wasn't used to having the power in the
relationship. But here, here it was natural. Angel needed to be
loved in an all consuming passion. He was dominant in all other parts
of his life but he needed to be the subservient one in this. He
needed to get used to being loved because he wasn't used to it, he had
been used by all who had touched him. Everyone that had touched him
had left bruises on him. Spike wanted to ease them. He wanted to
take care of Angel, but only if he was wanted. And he was.

He kissed Angel gently.

"OK Baby. Get some sleep. I'm not going anywhere."

Angel smiled and his eyes shut, black lashes fanning over the
porcelain cheek.

"Love you."

"Love you too Angel."