To Say Goodbye

Title: To say goodbye
Author: Angel Jade
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Sex, angst, language.
Spoilers: Season 4 Ats, 'Deep down'
Pairings: Connor/Fred
Summary: Once more, for old time's sake. What could have happened if Angel had never been found.
Setting: Season 4 Ats, AU
Feedback: angel-jade@buffyrocks.co.uk
Distribution: If you've had my permission before, you have it now. Anyone else, ask first please.
Disclaimer: I do not claim to own the characters in the fic, nor do I make money from borrowing them.
Author's notes: Though I shouldn't need to explain this, I feel I should anyway. They don't use a condom because Fred's on the pill and she doesn't know about Connor's 'other women'. It would be out of character for Fred, but I felt it was right for the situation and mood of the characters.

*****

She looks across the bare expanse of the Hyperion lobby and gives me a wistful smile. She's as sad to be leaving, as I am happy. The place is haunted beyond her comprehension with bad memories for me. She has her own, a few I know nothing about. Or care to. But as many bad memories she might have, she has some good ones. These are the kind I lack. This place has always represented something far worse than a workplace for demon fighters. It's my father's home.

Every object and every wall is his, touched, tainted and his. I haven't seen the bastards face since I sent him to the ocean floor, but still he's in my head. Talking, always talking and mocking and threatening...

The hotel is haunted by *him*.

Fred can't understand that. She thinks Angel's dead. She doesn't see him day in and day out. She isn't going crazy with...not fear; I'd never be scared of him. Not guilt, he deserved it and more. I don't know what it is, but I know it's because of the hotel.

I convinced her to leave, not that we had a choice. We weren't exactly making much money after all her friends abandoned her. Gunn stormed out one day and never returned after swearing Fred was the biggest mistake of his life. Lorne's in Las Vegas, living out whatever dream it is demons like him have. And then there's us.

She doesn't know this, but I was going to leave too. I had myself. That was enough. But she was just so damn clingy and desperate all the time. She wouldn't give up, long after I stopped pretending to care about his whereabouts.

Now...now she's standing in the centre, listening to the silence and recalling some distant memory that makes her smile.

"What's the matter?" I ask, waiting patiently for her to pick up her bag and walk out with me.

"Just...thinkin'." She sighs. "I feel like if we leave, we'll never find them, you know?"

I hide a smirk. "We won't. They're gone, Fred. I thought we'd gone over this."

She smiles, faintly. "I know. But I can't help but...what if they come back and we're not here?"

"They'll figure it out." I tell her. "They're detectives, aren't they?"

She nods. "Why'd you stay with me, Connor?"

I look at her blankly.

"Now you're leaving with me, or I'm leaving with you...I guess they're both the same. I just don't get it. You didn't want to stay, did you?" Fred asks. "Even after we...you don't love me, right?"

I give her a half smile. "You love me?"

Her look says it all.

"Then why does it matter?"

"Just does, I guess." Fred says, softly. "We don't know where we're going. I don't know why I'm going with you. I just figured there had to be a reason."

"You don't have to." I tell her, not sure how I feel about it either way. "You have a home."

"We could go there." She suggests.

"Not my kind of town." I tell her with a cocky smile. "Gonna keep fighting. It's all I know."

"And me?" Fred's afraid to ask this. Small part of her thinks I might need her; large part of her knows I don't.

"You're going to go home. You don't need me." I tell her.

She shakes her head. "I'm not sure I'm ready to give up yet. I can't be alone again. You're the only reason..."

I walk towards her, watch as she steps into my arms; looking for the comfort I gave her all those times before. I close my eyes, remembering the comfort it brought me for a shirt while.

"Can we...? One last time? For old time's sake?" She whispers.

There's no reason to. I could walk out now and forget her and her friends and most of all, Angel. I could, but I don't. I pull her away from me gently and bring her lips to mine. I kiss her so softly; differently to all those other girls I've talked, saved and paid into my bed. Fred's always been different though. She's pretty in her own little way. And sweet and caring. And brave when she wants to be. I'm not kidding myself; if things were different maybe I would consider her more than...more than whatever she is to me now. A friend? Not a lover, that would suggest love and I don't think I have the capacity to. And her heart will always belong to the man who walked out and never came back. Maybe if she were a friend, I'd be sad about our departure. She seems to be, though I think it's more to do with the loss of her only support and comfort. The last link left to the 'family' she loved. The 'family' who left her alone with me.

Her hand moves up to my chest, placed delicately there, as it usually is. She breaks the kiss and starts to pull my top ver ver my head.

"Here?" I ask her, surprised. Usually it's just her bed. Or mine. She's never ventured out the bedroom before.

She says nothing, just throws my top on the floor and kisses me harder.

My arms wrap around her small frame, holding her tightly the way she needs me to. My hands slides under the back of her own top, moving against the heated smooth skin until it reaches her bra strap. As soon as I manage to get it undone, she moves back and lets me take her top off, her bra falling down her arms and to the floor seconds after. I kiss her neck, one hand brushing over a breast, circling her nipple and pinching it softly.

She moans as her hands begin to explore my own exposed skin, before settling on the waistband of my pants, unzipping them and slipping a hand inside. A warm hand rubs against my cock and I feel it harden quickly. She wraps her fist around it and begins to move up and down the length, forcing me to make contented sounds of enjoyment.

She kicks off her shoes and s a s a pile of jeans and panties away, now standing there naked. We kiss again, more desperate this time, half lowering, half falling onto the floor in a now tangled pile of body parts. Her head hits the floor with a small thud and she winces. She doesn't have the time to complain as I lean over her, my lips on hers as my hands press against her sides.

Her back arches off the cold floor as I caress her breasts, kissing and teasing her nipples until she whimpers with pleasure. My free hand pushes my pants down until my fully erect cock is loose. Holdher her still, I place my cock at her entrance and ease inside, feeling her walls clamp around me.

"Connor..." She murmurs quietly as I begin to thrust into her, my hands sliding up her thighs and across her chest, teasing every nerve in her body. Her hips move against me, seeking pleasure as I fuck her with rising speed.

She begins to moan, his fingers playing with her own breasts, giving me a show she knows I enjoy. Her face is a picture of pleasure, one of the only times I ever see her without fear or sadness on her pretty face. I try harder to fuck her so I'm rubbing against her clit. She tenses immediately, gasping and groaning for more. I love that I can do this to her. Make her forget for a while. Make her want me. It feels good. In more ways than one.

Her body jerks with every movement and I can feel her breasts rubbing against my naked chest as I lean down to kiss her wildly. She begins to tell me how good she feels, how good I feel inside her, but I block it out. Nothing but the feeling of thrusting inside her warmth is left as I close my eyes and thrust in deeper and harder.

I feel her tighten around me and cries of pleasure echo through the lobby. Her body trembles under me and the sounds die down.

After feeling her clasp my cock with every bit of strength in her muscles, it doesn't take long to come, verbalizing my own pleasure with a grunt of satisfaction.

I hang my head for a moment, letting the feeling die down, before pulling out and away from her. I grab for my clothes immediately and I can almost see the frown on her face.

"I guess we go now." She says, quietly.

"It was always the plan." I tell her. "Inevitable. It couldn't last forever. You knew that."

"I know you don't care much for me, but I'm going to miss you." She says, grabbing her own clothes. "You've been there for me the way Charles couldn't."

"Gunn gave up. You never did. He wasn't worth your time." I say, trying to make her feel better. Old habits I guess.

She looks down. "Will I see you again?"

I stop and look at her. "Honestly? No. But then again, the powers that be have a strange way of bringing people together. If it's meant to be..."

She smiles. "Yeah."

"Come on, I'll go with you to the station." I say. "Say goodbye to Angel Investigations."

She looks around and does so silently, before followin out out.

I never gave her what she really needed. But I let her borrow my heart for a while. I might not be capable of love, but I cared. Maybe that's all that matters.

*****

The End