Waking Up Beside You

Title: Waking Up Beside You

Pairing: Buffy/Faith, Faith POV

Rating: NC-17 to be safe

Disclaimer: I own nothing and I make nothing off this story. Nothing!

Spoilers: Season Three

Summary: Faith looking back on her relationship with Buffy.

Lyrics taken from “Waking Up Beside You” by Stabbing Westward

******

“I’ve been so alone for so long
Forgotten by the world
Forgotten to myself”

Before I met her has always been just a blur, and nopleapleasant one. Life meant always looking over my shoulder, waiting for someone to jump me, hurt me, kill me. I was constantly waiting for someone so show their true side, the one that would scream and yell and eventually leave.

By the time I arrived in Sunnydale, I had already set up my own personal hell. The “family” life I had growing up was a joke, a particularly violent one, and I ran from my parents the first chance I could. Then I got called to be a slayer only to have my watcher, the only person who seemed to care for me, ripped apart by a very old and nasty vampire.

I shut everything out and wanted so badly to depend on myself and no one else. The only problem with that was Kakistos, that same vampire who killed my watcher, was after me and as much I hated to admit it, I needed some help. And that brought me to Sunnydale and into her life.

Being alone had always been the normal for me. Even when I was living with my watcher or with my parents, I always felt so lonely. It seemed no one ever understood me or even wanted to. No one wanted me. After awhile, I shut myself off from the rest of the world, afraid of the rejection that ew wew would eventually come, and put on a bad ass bravado to keep everyone from getting to close.

But then there was Sunnydale and Buffy.

******

“Your effervescent eyes have awakened me
And brushed the dust away
But I knew you’d never stay”

I ran to Sunnydale for help and got so much more than I bargained for. The first time I saw her I was tracking a vamp in the local club and noticed her at the other side of the room. It was almost impossible to keep my concentration on the joker vamp dancing with me, but I did, just barely.

That was nothing compared to the shock I had when her and her friends tried to save me when I lured the vamp outside to stake him. She tried to save me and didn’t even know me.

If she didn’t have me before that, she did now. The look in her eyes, that concern, trapped me in Sunnydale and for that second, I couldn’t even remember why I was there.

I talked to her friends, I met her mom, but I couldn’t keep my eyes off her. It was like I was obsessed with her, and looking back, I was. Right from the first moment, I wanted to be everywhere she was, know everything about her, just be near her. I studied every movement she made, how she walked, and even memorized just the shape of her. I could tell she was a little uncomfortable with her surroundings and me, but I couldn’t help it. I wanted her.

When she found out why I was really in Sunnydale, she actually helped. No one had ever done that before. She didn’t just tell me where to shove my problems, she helped. I was losing it, but she was calm, helped me see what I needed to do, how to regain control. With her at my side, I was able to gather up any strength I could get and staked that asshole vampire I had been running from for a couple months.

I opened myself up to her a little that night, something I hader der done before, not even with my watcher really. We got little food and talked. I felt comfortable with her and it felt so good I even began to relax a little. Then we went back to my motel room and something even more amazing happened.

I kissed her. And she kissed me back. I thought for sure she would back down since that was what had happened to me every time: let down. But no, she continued to kiss me and hold me. I was so shocked I started to cry. She led me over to the bed and helped me to lay down since I couldn’t even think clearly. I barely even noticed that she called her mom because the next thing I felt was her, holding me, cradling me in her arms.

“It’s okay,” she had said to me. “You’re with me, it’s all right now.”

She kissed the back of my neck, my shoulder, and just me cme cry. I turned in her embrace and she kissed me softly on the lips. I finally was able to respond and cautiously returned the kiss, slipping my tongue into her mouth when it seemed she was inviting me to. She did the same and I nearly fainted.

We did that for a few minutes and then I broke the kiss. We stared into each other’s eyes for what seemed like forever and she wiped the tears still on my cheek. I was almost about to cry again for all the happiness and also because of the shock but she hugged me again and held me close. I had never felt so close, so connected to another person.

******

“...I memorized the color of your eyes as I lost myself inside you
And I memorized the way our legs entwined as I drifted off beside you...”

There was no sex that first night. I think I might of had a heart attack if there was. We didn’t even talk all that much. I just couldn’t. My brain was on overload and I could just barely form the smallest of words. But Buffy was perfect. She kept me close to her and rubbed my back slowly, waiting for me to calm down. My head nestled into her neck and shoulder and I waited for my breathing to steady.

When it finally did, I moved out of her embrace slightly and stared into her eyes, my forehead resting against hers. Hers were the most amazing eyes I have ever seen and probably will ever see again. Hazel with flecks of emerald dancing around. It was just incredible and I couldn’t stop staring, getting hopelessly lost in them.

“B...”

“Shh... you don’t have to say anything. I don’t know why, but I want this.”

I felt myself falling, hard. I leaned in and kisher,her, and again she responded. Again, heaven. I pulled her closer to me, if that was possible, and rolled so she was on top of me. My hands moved from her back to her hair, my fingers getting tangled in the strands. Hers were moving up and down the sides of my body.

I was the one that finally stopped, which was completely out of character for me, and clung to her. That seemed to be the theme of the night, me being needy. I had held so much in and now it was all tumbling out and Buffy was letting it, encouraging it even. We settled into each other for the night, holding, caressing, our hands moving slowly everywhere. We fell asleep that way, her half on top of me, holding me tight, one leg draped over mine and me doing the same.

******

“At night I cling to you, I’m so afraid
Afraid the day will come
And I’ll wake and find you gone”

Those first few weeks were the best of my life. After that first night, Buffy kind of looked out for me. I had shown her a side that no one else had seen, my vulnerable side. But I didn’t feel that way around her, just safe. Her friends were all right and I tried by best to listen to Giles, but when she was in the room all I could think was what I wanted to do when we were alone.

After a couple of nights of patrolling, another opportunity came up. It bee been a hard, active night and a late one at that. We grabbed some food, settling that hungry side of the slaying side-effects, and then headed back to my room, hand in hand.

I had never felt anything by holding someone’s hand, but I got tingles with Buffy. I really had it bad. She really seemed to care and I just couldn’t get over it. She was the one who always led the way everywhere, from when we were patrolling to walking back to my room. I was never one to let others to the initiating but I let her and God, I wanted her.

She called her mom and told her she was crashing with me and then walked to where I was sitting on the bed. She pulled me up to her and tucked my hair behind my ear.

“I think I’m falling for you,” she said while looking into my eyes.

“I already have,” I responded as I wrapped my arm around her. She gave me a small smile in return, still never breaking eye contact.

That was the exact moment I fell in love. Before the sex, I was in love and in was the strangest thing ever because I had never loved before. I snapped out of my new revelation and brushed my lips against hers. She responded by slipping her tongue into my mouth and caressed mine softly, all the while guiding me toward the bed.

The back of my knees hit the bed and instead of falling, Buffy’s arm reached behind my back and guided me down. She laid down next to me and continued to kiss me. We made out for awhile, our hands roaming. My hands were massaging her breasts through the material of her shirt and bra, while hers were drawing patterns on my stomach and then reached to pull my shirt off.

We allowed the material to pass between us and before I let her go any further, I quickly removed her shirt and bra. The sight of Buffy topless will be forever burned into my memory. She was just so God damn beautiful, just amazing. I pulled her to me, kissing her collarbone, then moved down to her breasts, sucking on her nipples while she moaned my name.

She made use of her hands, massaging me any place she could, grabbing my ass and moved to undo my leather pants. Once I realized what she was doing, I broke from what I was doing and helped her, our eyes never breaking contact. Suddenly the pants were gone and I was naked. She looked me up and down and started kissing me anywhere and everywhere. But I wanted more.

I gently pushed her on her back and straddled her, then moved to take off her pantAs IAs I did, she placed her hands on mine.

Looking into her eyes I whispered to her, “Do you want me to?”

“Yes,” she searched my eyes. “I just...I don’t know how...”

“Don’t worry, I’ll show you.”

And I did. I removed the rest of her clothing and then laid on top of her. She softly gasped and I gave her a small smile. I kissed her softly on the mouth, then moved down her jaw line and nibbled on her ear. My hands moved to her arms and guided them so she wrapped them around my back. Then I moved my hands down and caressed the inside of her thighs and calves, spreading her legs a little further apart. She moaned the whole while and it was the biggest turn-on ever.

“Bring your knees up,” I whispered into her ear and lightly pushed on her calves, hoping I wasn’t going too fast for her. I knew she lacked experience.

She complied and moved her hands lower so they rested on my ass. I saw that as a green light and moved my mouth from her neck and ear to her breast. My hand, which had been resting on her stomach, moved into her curls.

My fingers started playing with her clit, rubbing gently, and I was rewarded with a load moan.

“Oh God, Faith.” Her voice even started to get deeper, more husky.

I smiled against her soft skin and just knew she was ready. I put one cautious finger into her pussy and she whimpered and held me impossibly tight. I brought my face up to hers and searched for any doubt, even though we were starting to build a rhythm. Her eyes were closed and her mouth was open slightly. I kissed her hungrily and then added a second finger. She gasped and whimpered at the same time into my mouth.

Breaking the kiss, I looked at her again. I could feel how tight she was and wasn’t sure if she was in any pain. I brought my free hand up to caress her face and got her to open her eyes. Moving a little faster, I rested my forehead on hers and looked into her beautiful eyes.

“Are you...okay?”

“Yes.” It came out breathless and her breathing was starting to become shallow and irregular. “Please, you have to keep going.”

My eyes went wide for a split second, a little taken back by her plea, and stilled my fingers. But I quickly brought myself back to reality and what I was doing. I pushed deeper into her and she winced slightly, but then let out a loud moan.

One of her hands grabbed my ass more roughly and the other started moving up my back then over my shoulder and to one of my breasts. The next thing I knew, she moved down slightly and had a nipple in her mouth, sucking lightly. Now it was my turn to moan.

At one point she must have started to feel bolder because she brought me more on my side, my fingers still in her, and brought her hand down between us. As I began to thrust into her a little more, her hand reached my soaked pussy and entered me with two fingers. I nearly screamed her name and we bucked against each other for God knows how long.

As I came all over her hand, I leaned my forehead on hers and whispered the only thing I could think of. “I love you.”

Still amazing me, she responded, “I love you, too.”

I kept saying it for minutes after, I didn’t want her to think it was a line. I don’t think she ever realized I had never said those wordsore ore and haven’t since we were through.

I was so scared she would leave right after, having satisfied that other slaying side-effect I knew we both shared. I held on to her and willed her not to leave. She didn’t and I had never been more happy.

Instead she pulled me closer to her and whispered softly, “Don’t worry, I won’t leave. I’ll never leave.”

******

“But you promised that you’d not abandon me
And kissed my fears away
But I woke up to that day”

That happened every time we made love. I was always so scared and every one of those times she held me and kissed me until we fell asleep in each other’s arms.

Those few weeks were so perfect and it seemed we agreed on everything, even what to tell everyone, or in our case, not to.

“I’m not sure what my mom will say,” she told me a few days later. “She still getting over all the shit last year with Angel, I just don’t think she’ll respond all supportive right now.”

“Yeah, I can see that,” I told her, a little disappointed but seeing her point. “Plus, there’s always Giles and the Council. Those stiff Brits probably won’t take to kindly on their two slayers screwing each other.”

She hit my arm at that, but could see what I meant and hopefully knew that what we had meant so much more to me than screwing. I really hope she did.

So we decided to keep it quiet for awhile and she started to make excuses after slaying to stay with me anr mor mom didn’t seem to mind. My place was closer to the cemeteries anyway, so it must have made sense.

We even were supposed to go to Homecoming together. It got a little wrecked with the fact that Xander and Willow decided to have Cordelia and Buffy work out their differences in the limo alone and the two of them didn’t even get there until the dance was almost over. That didn’t seem to matter though, because we still ended up at my place.

We went down on each other for the first time that night. I have never tasted anything more intoxicating than her. That first feel of my tongue licking her, tasting her juices, and therustrusting my tongue inside her while she screamed my name is just another memory that haunts me. That one in particular just won’t leave me alone.

The fact that she went down on me still blows my mind. We both looked at each other and her mouth traveled down my body. I stopped her once she reached my navel and pulled her face up to look me he ehe eye.

“You don’t have to, you know. I’ll always love you, no matter what.” I gave her a small smile but I had to be as nervous as her and hoped to God I wasn’t showing it.

She ran her arms up the sides of my body and rested them on my shoulders. “I want to,” she smiled in return. “I’m ready to, I want to taste you. Just show me how.”

So I guided her to ease any nervousness she might have had, but God, was she a fast learner. It could have been the fact I loved her, but no one has ever made me feel like that. I squirmed and writhed as she held me against her tongue and then buried it so deep within me I screamed and nearly broke off a piece of the headboard one of my hands was gripping.

The nights we had I will always remember. The way she touched me made me burn, cry and laugh all at the same time. But still, the fear was always there. It seemed too good, I just knew something would happen to make all of it go to shit. Of all the things I could have been right about, why did it have to be this?

******

“...I had memorized the way our eyes
would meet reflected in the bathroom mirror
And I memorized your naked silhouette as you slowly brushed your hair”

Every night Buffy stayed with me I remember clear as day. She was timid around me at first, not all that comfortable with being naked in front of me. After the first couple of nights, however, she relaxed and seemed to love me watching her as she walked around my room with nothing on or maybe just panties as she got ready in the morning. Our eyes would meet, she would smile and it was all I could do not to grab and carry her back to the bed.

Sometimes I couldn’t resist. I would go to her in the bathroom, her watching me in the mirror all the while as I moved closer to her. I would wrap one arm around her from behind and the other would reach to start the shower.

We would shower together often. I would pin her against the wall of the shower and fuck her senseless until all she could do was whimper. I can still hear her screaming my name as she came all over my hand that was buried impossibly deep in her pussy.

She would do the same type of things to me. Sometimes I would wake up with three of her fingers in me and her mouth sucking on one of my nipples. I would moan out of both surprise and lust and bring her mouth up to me to give her the most passionate kiss. Soon after that I would be screaming her name and coming all over her hand and the bed.

“God, you amaze me,” I would say after I could breathe normally. “I’m gonna have a heart attack one of these days if you keep doing that.”

“Well, I could stop,” she gave me a little pout and then smirk. “We definitely should be thinking about your health.”

“Never stop. Who needs good health, I’m five by five. Slayer stamina must be good for something, right?”

“Oh definitely,” she would grin widely and I couldn’t take it anymore. Every time I grabbed her and brought her to me. We would roll around on the bed and make out, giggling when we had to stop and breathe.

I didn’t want it to ever end. I want to say our relationship all went wrong slowly, that looking back there were signs. Only, there wasn’t, not one. It was just one thing that tore us apart and it kills me a little every time I think about it.

I killed. One night when we were slaying, I got caught up with my stake and accidently stabbed a human with it. He died.

Buffy didn’t know how to deal. Hell, I didn’t know how to deal. I wanted her to comfort me, tell me it would be all right, just hold me like she did only a few months ago. The only problem with that was a guy was dead from a wooden stake to the chest and we were slayers. That’s just not something we could explain away.

Instead of opening myself and fears to her, I resorted back to my old persona. My heart was screaming that it was an accident, that I was sorry, but for some reason my head wouldn’t let me say it out loud. I think this upset her, but of course I’ll never know for sure now.

She didn’t stay with me that night. We fought a group of vamps and then she was just gone. I wasn’t sure where she went and then realized she had gone home and didn’t want to stay with me, a murderer. I backtracked to the body and did the only thing my brain could think of: I weighted it and tossed it in the river.

I always wonder what would have happened if she stayed with me that night. I don’t think I would have done something so stupid, but then again, I probably would have fucked it up one way or another.

The next day was just surreal. She wouldn’t even look at me and I could have died right then. Next thing I know, the cops are involved and asking questions. She thought we should confess and I freaked. Giles and that new wussy watcher were starting to get suspicious. Well, Giles mostly. I thought for sure she would turn me in. I thought she would betray me like everyone else and like she pretty much did that night.

So I did it first. I sold her out and it hurt like a bitch. I had never seen so much hurt and anger in her eyes and I thought she would kill me right then. A part of me wishes she had. She told me I needed to confess, that I needed help. I told her to fuck off and I knew right there we were through.

******

“I’ve been so alone for so long
I forgot how much it hurts
To wake up so alone”

I joined up with the Mayor a few days later and I barely saw her again, much less slept with her. It seemed everyone around turned on me, while the Mayor, my new boss, welcomed me with open arms. I wasn’t stupid, I knew he just was using me to serve his own purposes. But he was up front about it.

Nights became painful and with each one, the pain was worse, more unbearable. I was alone for each one and I felt like I could die. There was no one beside me, she was not beside me anymore. Her arms weren’t wrapped around me, her voice whispering to me that she loved me and would never leave. All of it was gone.

Hard as the nights were, waking up was harder. Once I finally fell asleep, usually by passing out from drinking whatever was near, I never wanted to wake up again, because it was always the same. My hand would be reaching out for something that isn’t there, someone who would no longer even look at me without disgust.

And it hurt.

******

“...I memorized how warm you body felt
as you lay half asleep beside me
And I memorized the way the sunlight
filled the room and played upon your body”

Even though the nights we had together were amazing, the mornings were even better. Yes, we sometimes woke each other up with sex, but most of the time I would just wake up and she would be there. That was all I needed. She was next to me, one leg draped over mine, her arm clutching my waist, herd red resting in the crook of my neck. I would feel her breathing in my earow aow and even.

I would just watch her. She would usually be sleeping on my arm and I would rub her back with that hand. She always responded by moving closer, strengthening her hold on my waist, moving her face so her lips would be on my ear. We pulled each other as close as possible and I waited for her to wake up.

It didn’t matter what was going on outside, how late in the day it might be, all I could think about was her and that she was with me. I knew she was awake when her fingers started drawing patterns on my stomach and then she would look up to me and smile, this half-asleep dreamy smile.

“Hi there, sleepy,” I would say, “I thought you’d never wake up.”

“Well, better late than never. I don’t think I’ve ever slept as well as when I’m with you.”

I thought I could ever bet hat happy and that my heart would burst from it. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too,” she smiled at me, a little more awake now. “I’ll never get sick of this. I want to wake up like this everyday.”

“I will never deny you that,” I responded. “I’ll always be here.”

I remember every single day and every moment haunts me. I sit alone in my new apartment bought and paid for by the Mayor and all I do is think of her and every time it kills a little more of me, of who I was when I was with her.

I d kno know why I didn’t let her help me: she’d already seen me at my most vulnerable or so I thought. Even with all the love she had shown for me, I still resorted back to my old self. Maybe deep down there’s no changing people and I’ll always be the cold bad ass.

Everything around me is a reminder of her and it makes me want to die, maybe even kill again. I know it’s bound to come up and that the Mayor took me on because he knew I killed that guy, the Deputy Mayor. With all the darkness I feel consuming me, I probably will be able to as well. I can’t feel anything anymore. The last time I felt anything was when she touched me.

The last time I saw her she had such anger in her eyes I couldn’t even keep eye contact with her. I knew she would never be mine again and I died inside right there. I just can’t feel.

Maybe I’ll get lucky and someone will kill me.

“I miss
God I miss
Waking up beside you”

End