Anything for You

<Part 1>

 

    Xander clenched his teeth and wiped his eyes with one
harsh swipe. It wasn't supposed to hurt this bad! Spike was a soulless monster
and he wasn't supposed to give a damn how he felt but. . . //I should have
just let things be. I should have just let it go. Should have. God I give
myself great advice if I'd ever listen don't I.//

    Three sets of worried eyes blinked up at him from the
foot of the bed. "He made daddy cry again Yrral."

    "Why are you sad Xan-daddy?"

    Chocolate eyes shook with suppressed tears and Xander
shook his head. "It's nothing guys. Did you have a bad dream?"

    They answered all three at the same time. "Yes."

    He smiled his best 'I'm not hurting so bad' smile and
lifted the blankets, "Come on then."

    Surrounded with love, Xander felt like nothing mattered
but the three demons who called him daddy. But there was always a platinum
blond shadow hanging in his heart. //I really should have left it alone.//


    "Daddy."

    "Hm Ssol?"

    "Sleep." The little silver demon ordered.

    Xander grinned, "Yes sir!"

    Essej blinked at his brothers and cuddled closer to his
daddy. //He made daddy sad again.//

~~Flashback~~

    //A Buffy Bot?// Xander watched incredulous as Buffy glared
at her friends and announced she goingoing over to kick Spike's ass for that.


    "Wait, Buffy!"

    She turned with a glare that left the minuet she saw her
friend's heartbroken face. The funny, loyal boy had come out as gay to them
all a long time before. Anya didn't care, she just wanted her orgasms, so
she helped him keep up his mask for the rest of the world. This wasn't the
rest of the world though, this was their small, family-like group. And they
all knew just where the chocolate eyed boy's feeling lay.

    "Xander. . ." Willow began but Buffy cut her off.

    "I can't let the blond menace get away with this just
because you LIKE him Xander! It was disgusting! Imagine what he must have
'done' to that thing, I. . ." She caught her thoughtless words back as Xander's
face crumbled before her eyes. "I mean. . ."

    "Let me go."

    "It wouldn't be. . ."

    "Willow can zap me. I'll go as you. Please Buffy."

    Willow closed her eyes and nodded and Buffy frowned, hurting
for the friend she'd come to care for like a brother.

    It didn't take much. A glamour to hide his appearance,
a potion to cover his scent, and an auditory spell to create Buffy's voice.
He walked to Spike's crypt in a haze. What to sayat wat would he do?

    Buffy and Willow watched their comrade go with equal heartaches
for him. "Why Spike?" The slayer whispered. "Why couldn't he have liked any
other boy in Sunnydale?"

    "You don't choose who you love."

    "I wish. . ."

    Willow nodded and bowed her head. "Me too."

__________________

    Xander checked that the glamour was in place and slowly
opened the crypt door. His heart was racing and he swallowed back tears at
Spike's battered form so cold and still on the slate bed on the center. //Buffy
Bot, think Buffy Bot. . .// "Spike! You're covered in sexy wounds!" //God
I wish I could take them for you. Spike. . . //

    The Bleached blond moaned and rolled into a sitting position
offering Xander a good look at his clear blue eyes. He was honest now. No
masks. Why would he wear them here? It was just him and his robot. "Yeah."
His voice was so tired Xander had to fight to just stand and watch. "I feel
real sexy."

    //Spike.//

    "Where've ya been?"

    "I fell down and got confused." Xander nodded and put
on a serious face. //I've been confused since I met you.// "Willow fixed
me. She's Gay!"

    The vampire looked confused now and Xander wished to god
that he could take that look away and give Spike all of the answers he needed.
Wasn't going to happen. //Ifhes hes were horse demons I'd be trampled or
something like that.//

    "Will fixed you?"

    Xander's heart ached at the familiar nick name coming
from Spike's lips. It hadn't even been intended, just came out. Like he was
really part of their family.

    "I thought they'd myou you into scrap."

    He kept innocent eyes on Spike as his thoughts were in
turmoil. //I didn't want to kill your robot. If it made you happy I would
have let you use it. You can use me, if it makes you happy.// "They were
confused too." //Buffy Bot think Buffy Bot// "Do you wanna ravage me now?"
//Please?//

    The vampire didn't meet his gaze as he replied, "Give
us a minuet. Got some bones that need mending."

    //Spike. I'll take your pain. Please let me take your
pain from you. I can't stand it when you look so sad!// "Why did you let
that Glory hurt you?"

    "She wanted to know who the key was."

    Xander's heart bled and he spun around without thinking,
"Well I can tell her and then you won't have to. . ."

    "No!"

    That keening plea stopped his hurt anger and the disguised
boy turned back to the one he loved so secretly as the blond began coughing
from the strain of his earlier plea.

    "You can't evah" Their eye met and the human fought to
keep his blank and robotic. "Glory nevah finds out."

    "Why?" He asked even if he knew why. and each emotion
filled word Spike uttered through his split and bleeding lips send needles
of pain into his heart. Spike was talking with the love Xander had pleaded
with the Gods to turn his way. Love for Buffy. And Spike was hurting from
it so much! //Well I'm Buffy now. I can help him this time.//

    Before he could think about it, Xander bit his lips to
make them more full and feminine and leaned forward. The meeting of his lips
to Spikes was brief and as full of pain for Xander as it was pleasure for
Spike. He pulled back, hiding his pain and saw the confusion on Spike's chiseled
features. //and you'll never know that was from me. You'll have gotten your
kiss and that's that. Buffy kissed you. Be happy now. I need to know you're
ok.//

    "And my robot?"

    Xander tossed out the first explanation for the thing's
demise he could think of, Buffy's voice grating on his nerves. If only he
could hate her for the pain she put Spike through. Then he heard Spike's
labored breath and realized how harsh he'd been. He couldn't let Spike hurt.
Couldn't.

    The boy walked back up to the vampire and met his eyes,
"What you for for me. . . and Dawn. . ." //And what I feel for you// "That
was real."

    Spike looked at the glamoured boy in quiet question but
the pain was eased. That was why he'd said what he did.

    "I won't forget it."

~~End Flashback~~

    Now Xander had to live with that. With a little taste
of what he wanted and needed so badly and it was killing him!

    It had only been a little while since Buffy'd died. Spike
was still grieving. He'd been locked in his tomb for so long. . . and Xander
couldn't even comfort him because all it had been was an illusion. Buffy
had kissed the blond poet. Not him. //Buffy.// Xander grit his teeth. //Do
you know how lucky you were?// "You had him. If you had wanted him he was
right there. Waiting. And I was waiting for him. And now we're both fucked
aren't we."

    The wind blew in from the open window and suddenly Xander
just felt trapped. He had to get out of the house. Away from the walls. He'd
left Anya after the kiss. Even if it had been a lie,had had kissed Spike
and no one else would ever kiss his lips again unless it was Spike. He didn't
want to erase the feeling . . . //Gods I'm pathetic.// He kissed his children
in the forehead and whispered, "Your going to be ok. . . I just can't 'do'
this any more."

    They remained sleeping softly as he closed the door and
walked out into the Sunnydale night. Not safe at all, especially now with
Buffy gone, But Xander wasn't looking for 'safe'.

    When temonemon came out of the shadows he didn't even
bother to fight it off. This was best. It would all end once the thing killed
him. All end. all end. all. . . a blinding pain ripped through his back and
he fell forward. It was going to eat him alive. //I'm sorry guys. So sorry.//
He closed his eyes and let the pain take him into unconsciousness. it was
better this way. all end.

____________________________

    When he woke up, Xander realized three things at once.
One; he wasn't dead. Dead couldn't hurt like his back did at the moment.
Two; he was laying on something hard and cold. Stone. Why was he laying on
stone? and Three; This place smelled like Spike. SPIKE?! He surged up and
screamed as the wound on his back ripped open again. "SHIT!"

    "Stupid Git! Lay down 'n let it heal! Bloody wanker."


    "S. . . spike?"

    "What the Hell were you doing?!"

    "Uh. . . panicking?" He squeaked, "I'm reaod aod at it."


    "I mean with the demon you soddin. . . you weren't even
trying!"

    "What's it to you? So I wasn't fighting big shit there.
Why didn't you just leave me?"

    "Yoe hee her friend."

    Xander flinched, "You really know how to hurt a guy don't
you." He stood carefully and hobbled to the door.

    "Where do you think yer goin'?"

    "Home."

    "Ya won't make it half way like that."

    "Maybe I don't want to."

    "SHIT! What is WITH you?!"

    "No one." He deadpanned.

    "Wait!"

    Xander froze and Spike was silent. "Well?"

    "I don't. . ." He lowered his eyes, "I don't want ta be
alone."

    The human boy felt his heart contract. He knew what it
was like to be alone. He would never make Spike go through it when he could
help it. But the vampire had no idea what his request would cost Xander.


    "Pet?"

    He bit his lip and wiped his tears away before turning
around. "Sure. Whatever."

_____________________________

    Spike couldn't figure the human out. It was like he didn't
have anything to live for. What about the Demon bint? or Willow? what about
his slayerette duties? The kid was a wreck and yeah the Slayer had died but
it wasn't something the whelp would kill himself over.

    He'd smelled tears earlier, when he'd asked Xander to
stay with him. Sure the human hid them well from another human, but tears
had a distinct smell. //So why was he cryin'?//

    He let his pale blue eyes slip over the prostrate form
currently on his slab and frowned. This was familiar behavior. This was how
he'd behaved when Dru went and left him, minus the spill yer guts and binge
part. //Thought he got over the slayer long time ago.//

    The brown hair had grown out a bit over the recent months
and hung in Xander's face as his mouth opened in a wide snore. Spike caught
himself smiling and clinched his jaw. //I do not smile at slab hogging slayer
whelps!//

    "Mmm. love you. wanna cookie? You can share it. If you
want it?"

    Spike rolled his eyes, the whelp even talked in his sleep?
This was just what he needed. "Keep your bloody cookies mate."

    "Bloody cookies. Spike'd like those."

    "Oh for the love o' . . . don't you ever shut up?!"

    "s'rrieeeeeeeee."

    The vampire rolled the human over onto his belly and checked
his back. It was healing nicely. Kid would be home in no time. //Good bloody
riddance.//

    "Spike's sad now Buffy. You went away and made Spike sad.
Mad at you."

    //What is he my protector now? Oh just fan- bloody -tastic
that is!//

    "Don't cry Spike. I'm still here."

    Blue eyes closed in pain and Spike fished out a fag and
walked out into the night for a spot of peace. //Yeah nummy. Yer still here.
Till you die too.// He crushed the glowing thing to the cement and looked
back toward the crypt silently. //Never love a human. Break yer 'eart they
do. She did. One bloody kiss is all I have.//

    In the crypt Xander cried in his sleep. "Spike."