Rules of Engagement

Disclaimer: I own nothing but Brian. Everyone else is owned by Joss, ME and everyone else but me.

Rules for Engagement
By SuzyQ

As Brian was driving over to Buffy’s house, the bulge in his pants was driving him insane. At every stoplight he would pull it out and open the little velvet black box to admire the shimmering stone. He had been waiting for this day. This day could be the best day of his life. Everything was going to be perfect. He was wearing her favorite shirt. It was a nice button down dress shirt that had large blocks of color. He had been wearing it the first time they met. Here it is, just eight short weeks later and he is willing to promise her forever.


He cautiously approaches the door because he knows tonight is the night. She is going to remove him from the purgatory of his life and raise him up to heaven or damn him straight to hell.


He walks up to her door, the lump still burning a hole in his pocket. He rang the bell and she came to the door.


“Sorry but I’m running pretty late. Come on in and I will finish getting ready.”


She was the most beautiful he had ever seen her. She answered the door wearing her most comfortable oversized T-shirt and her hair wrapped in a towel. He couldn’t believe the change she had gone through. The first couple of times they went out, she hardly said a word. Even when they slept together, she wouldn’t let him see her completely naked, too ashamed of the scars. The lights were always off and she at least had on a shirt. She had been so shy and closed. But, now, she seemed completely at ease with him.


As he sat in her living room he heard her blow dryer going in the bathroom. She was primping for him. Every time they went out she always wanted to look her best. She wanted him to be proud to have her on his arm. He has to spend several hours of praising to get her to remove all of her clothes. After every piece of clothing he removed he would tell her how beautiful and sexy that body part was. He had to tell her the past was over and didn’t matter who she was. All that mattered was who she is. She has absolutely no idea how highly he thinks of her, how she is the center of his universe, and how nothing else matters. But that night he broke her heart. The past did matter to her and he was just another man who wouldn’t accept the Slayer.


He fell in love with her the first moment he saw her. He thought she was the most beautiful, exquisite creature that has ever graced this planet with her existence. Every move she makes, every breath she takes is just evidence to prove his point. Even the blink of her eyes was simply and beautifully graceful. He fell in love with her full mane of blonde hair, her supple curves, and her deep rich hazel eyes. As far as looks are concerned, she really wasn’t his type. He normally dated the tall slender blue eyed girls. She was petite and more shapely. She hated to hear him call her shapely. She saw it as a polite way of saying fat. But she was by no means overweight but at the heaviest she had ever been. She had just enough flesh to accentuate her curves. His attraction is so much more than physical appearance. She is even more beautiful on the inside. Before he had even seen her, he could feel her draw. That is how they met.


He was at a party, mingling amongst the guests. When, suddenly, he felt compelled to walk down the hall. There were many doors along this hall and what made him walk into that room at that particular time he still cannot say. Destiny is his best and only guess.


There she was sitting on the bed wiping tears of heartache off her face. He always hated to see a woman cry but this was the worst feeling he had ever experienced. He began to weep for whatever in this world could make her cry. She took pity on him, wrapped her arms around him, and held him. This was strange for both of them. A woman had never held Brian so lovingly and comfortingly. With the many men Buffy had dated over the years, she had only been held like this once before.


He eventually drifted off to a drunken sleep without a word being said between them. He woke up a little while later to find himself alone. He had never felt so isolated. He began to wonder if she had even existed at all. She was all he could think about. He didn’t even know her name or why she had been crying. He asked everyone at the party if they had seen her or if they knew her. No one could remember her. He couldn’t believe that such a spectacular woman could fade to just another face in the crowd.


Finally he found out who she was from the host. It turns out that they worked together. The host said he hadn’t really wanted to invite her. But because everyone else in the office was coming he felt obligated. He was actually surprised that she came. Everyone had always just assumed that she didn’t like anybody in the office. Evidently at work she was a total bitch. They had nicknamed her the ice queen. She was so cold and closed that no one could get close to her. Brian knew that none of this was true. He had seen something completely different. He must have seen deeper. He had only spent a brief moment in her arms but it felt like a wonderful eternity. He knew that’s exactly how long he wanted to spend with her. Forever.

Luckily, Brian was able to get all the information he need from the host with out seeming like he was prying or stalking, just curious.


The next few days were a blur. She was the only thing that mattered. She would have plagued his dreams if he could have slept. After an encounter like they had, he didn’t know how to approach her or even if he should. May be he should let the memory be. Keep it perfect. He couldn’t settle for that. Finally, he came up with a plan.


He began to send her flowers everyday. He started on a Monday right before her office closed. There was never a card. She was left to wonder. At first she thought that the florist had made a mistake and she was receiving somebody else’s flowers but the name and address was correct. The lady at the florist said that the gentleman always paid with cash. So, there was no way to track his identity down.


Then, on Friday, he personally delivered the flowers. When she steeped out of the elevator into the lobby she saw him standing there. He had no idea how he would be received or how she would react. He had never been so nervous before. As she came towards him, struggling to make it through the crowd, he saw the tears streaming down her face. These tears were much different from the ones he had seen before. These were tears of pleasure rather than pain.


They ended up going out and had a wonderful evening. Brian did most of the talking. He found out very little about Buffy. He would ask her questions and she answered every one of them. Still, he felt like he was prying. He didn’t like to invade. So, he tried to keep up the conversation on his end. She didn’t seem to mind and her presence made him feel so comfortable. Over the next week he told her everything about himself and yet he knew nothing about her. He knew her general likes and dislikes but that was about it. He knew nothing of the person she was.


One night she sat him down for a nice little chat. She told him that she cared about him and could possibly love him. She said that he had it. She wasn’t really sure what it was. It was whatever quality it was that drew her to people but it radiated from him. She could feel herself being drawn in more and more until she thought the she would never make it back out. She also explained that she wasn’t ready for that. She had been badly hurt in the past and had a hard time trusting. Everyone always left. She wanted him to know that no matter how she acted when he asked her about herself she wasn’t offended. She would honestly answer any question he ever wanted to ask. The only catch was he needed to make sure it was a question he wanted the answer.


“How have men hurt you?” Brian asked her after a long but not awkward silence.


“Well, I have dated more men than I care to count and have had sex with quite a few of them. It’s the important ones that always left. They would promise me forever but could never handle who I am. Everyone one of the denied it would happen but everyone of them always did. When they looked into my eyes I think they were searching for their own reflection not me. It happened so much that I started to believe that was me. I am a great friend, girlfriend and fuck. I just can’t seem to find a guy who will love me and stay. I keep wondering when are you going to try and get into my pants so you can go. It seems that the ones that I stay just friends with stay the longest. Don’t get me wrong, I want to. I am just scared how it will change our relationship. I think you may actually like me as a person and I don’t want to ruin that. I do want to show you the sexual side of me. It is a big part of who I am. Women are suppose to be chaste and yet when we are we are seen as icy or prude. But, if we show our sexuality we are branded as sluts and banished. It’s definitely a damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation. It is still a side that I am occasionally proud of.”


With this, Brian slowly leaned over to kiss her. He picked her up and took her to the bedroom. He was determined to show her that she was a woman it was not only possible to love but a woman that deserved to be loved. She was response throughout but quite. This bothered Brian. He knew that she had really enjoyed everything but she still seemed distant. Afterwards, she went into the living room, lit a cigarette, and watched TV. This really bothered him. He was lying on the bed staring cross-eyed at the ceiling all ready to cuddle, to hold her. Instead, she took off into another room. After a few minutes, he followed her. She was sitting in the middle of the couch totally spaced out. He came and sat beside her. She automatically moved to the other end. He reached his arm over and she flinched at his touch. Brian decided that it was probably best just to let her be.


After about ten or fifteen minutes, just out of the blue, she said, “Everything’s all right. I promise.”


She looked over at him and he nodded his head. That was the last that was said until Brian got dressed and was leaving. He said he would call tomorrow. He got absolutely no confirmation. So, he closed the door and went home.


The next day when he called, she seemed like she was back to her old self again. That night as she was leaving his apartment she said she had a few things to say.


“I am sorry about last night. I am not apologizing for my actions. I just should have warned you about how I get. And for that, I am sorry.”


“What do you mean ‘How you get?’ What was that exactly? Where were you? I mean you body was there but you were gone.”


She stood there in silently trying to put everything into words without hurting his feelings or confusing him. Finally, she began.


“Well, forgive me if all this comes out wrong. It is hard to explain. Sometimes I just have to retreat within myself. The general consensus seems to be that it is a defense mechanism in order to handle my fear of commitment and abandonment. My old therapist blames it on my father. Willow blames it on my first love. Dawn and Xander blame Spike. I blame myself. Deep within myself is my only refuge. It is the only place I feel safe. That is just a crude explanation but it is the best I can do. I hope you understand.”


He stood there in silence giving her the exact same response she had given him the night before. She gave him a goodnight kiss on the cheek and got into her truck. Before she drove away she searched his face for understanding but saw none. So she drove away thinking he was never going to call her again.


The next day he called her and asked if he could see her that night. She happily agreed. When she got home from work there he was waiting patiently on her doorstep. They began to talk and things became the way they were. She was ecstatic that she hadn’t ruined everything by closing up.


Things continued on as they had been. Each time they slept together she would spend a little more time in the bedroom before she went to the couch and retreated within herself. He took this as a good sign. A few times he tried to talk to her but he got very little response. She still flinched at his touch. He just decided to let her be and let her do what she feels comfortable doing. After a while he would get up, get dressed and head on home. He was so excited when she finally stayed with him long enough to finish several cigarettes and drift off to sleep. He took this as an invitation for him to stay the night.


The next morning he woke up first. She looked so peaceful he decided to let her sleep. He got up to take a shower. After he toweled off, he decided to make breakfast. On his way to the kitchen, he noticed the bed was empty. There she was sitting at the bar drinking her coffee staring at him. She didn’t say a word but he knew he had done something wrong. He had invaded in some way with intending to. He had good intentions but the road to hell is paved with good intentions.


She continued to sit there in silence. She then got up and fixed him a cup of coffee. She handed it to him and sat back down in silence. He pulled up a stool and sat beside her in silence. Finally, she spoke.


“I really don’t feel comfortable with you staying the night and I would appreciate it if you don’t do it again.”


She sat there and continued to stare at nothing, once again, in silence.


“Look, I’m sorry, Buff. I just thought our relationship was getting to the point were it would be ok. It has been pretty intense and extreme. I realize that things have been moving pretty quickly but it did appear to be the next step. I have always been drawn to your presence. I know that you are not ready to hear this but I have to say it. I love you. I hope you have a wonderful day and I will call you tomorrow.”


He got up to go and she continued to sit there in silence. When he got to the door, she got up and stared screaming at him. He really couldn’t understand what she was talking about. But in that conversation he learned more about her than he had in all the conversation they had up until this time. He finally realized that she had some very deep emotional wounds. The men before him must have been hard on her because that hurt in her eyes he never put her through. He could tell she let the argument go further than it meant to go. After she seemed to have calmed down, he spoke.


“Buffy, I think you were just talking to the men before you and me. You have to realize that I am not those guys. However they treated you, I won’t. I will never do you wrong. I’ll never hurt you.”


She scoffed, “Yeah, right. I’ve heard that before.”


He was hurt. He turned to leave but decided against it. “I’m sure your right but I am sincere. I think you are the most wonderful woman and I never want to injure you. It pains me that you won’t trust me. It hurts that you won’t let me hold you. I want to kiss you and make all of you pain go away. I want to make it all better. Will you give me that chance? Will you give me the time to prove that I am different?”


“Brain, I am so scared. I don’t want to get hurt again and that is what getting close does.”


“That’s not all it does. Call me a hopeless romantic but I think that it can be worth it. If you were to walk out of my life right now, I would be crushed. I, also, wouldn’t regret a single moment I have spent with you. No matter how much pain I experience, it could never outweigh the joy and happiness I have had with you. One morning you may wake up and ask yourself ‘Who is this man lying beside me?’ If that happens, we get to fall in love all over again. No matter how much time passes I may not always be in love with you but I will always love you. There is a part of everyone that never changes and that is the part I love. That will never go away.”


She took him and kissed him. They spent the rest of that lazy Sunday making love. That night he was getting up to get dressed when she stopped him.


“Brian, I need to tell you about my past. Will you please stay and here what I have to say?”


Brian slowly climbed back into the bed. He could tell Buffy was nervous so he just waited for her to begin.


“Into every generation . . .

She countinued into her story and it seemed to grow more and more outrageous. Demons and vampires were real. She had died twice. He could tell that she glossed over alot but even what she was telling seemed to be too much. He learned about Angel, Riley, and Spike. He really knew she wasn’t tell Spike’s whole story because she seemed at a loss of words when it came to him.


When it all finally came to a close, she looked at Brian’s wide eyes and quickly added “I know it all sounds crazy. In fact there was a time I didn’t believe it either but then I tried to kill my friends and my sister. That’s another story for another time. So, you have to believe me.”


Brian slowly got up out of bed. When she saw that he was going to leave Buffy quickly got up to kneeling on the bed.


“Wait, don’t go yet. There’s something else.” She hastily added.
She was staring at the floor wringing her hands. She mumbled something but for the life of him, he didn’t understand.


“I’m sorry I couldn’t hear you.”


She lifted her head but not her eyes. She whispered “I love you."

There was nothing but silence. She slowly lifted her eyes to meet his. Before she could see his blue eyes, she saw the single tear rolling down his cheek.


He quickly went to her and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead
“I know. You wouldn’t have shared all that if you didn’t. I wasn’t leaving. I just had to pee,” he explained.


“Oh, its just the guy l told didn’t believe me.”


“Then he’s a dope.”


“That’s what I told him. Go on then. Just come back.”


As he left the room, he heard her mumble something about “stupid shirty vampires”. He didn’t understand but just let it drop. When he came back to bed she stood up took him into her arms, laid him down on the bed and held him for the rest of the night with them both drifting in and out of consciousness. It was hard to say when they were awake or dreaming because everything was all too perfect. They were both naturally intoxicated with love.


That was the only major fight they had ever had. Brian was basically living over at Buffy’s house. His personal belongings had found their place among hers. They had their own routines. Brian usually got of work earlier than Buffy did so he was home waiting on her. She would normally watch the news before she cooked supper. After they ate Brain would help with the dishes. They would normally do their own thing before bed. She would read while he played video games or she would watch TV while he played chess. When the weekend rolled around things were different.


On Friday, Brian would be there waiting on her before they would go out. She would walk through the door, put her purse on the couch, grab her bottle and glass from atop the fridge and head out to the balcony. The only time she goes to the balcony is Friday evening but she is always out there to watch the sun set. As according to ritual, she pours her whiskey in the glass and leaves the bottle on the rail, sits down, kicks off her shoes and puts her feet up. He can’t help but stare. She sits there completely still in front of the setting sun. Her dark silhouette creates a striking contrast to the bright yellow and oranges of the western sun. He can see her mind working. He has often asked her what she thinks about when she’s out there and her answer is always the same: ‘Nothing and everything all at once.’ She takes everything that has happened in the past week. Her hopes, her dreams, her fears, her realities are all placed in their respective files to be dealt with at some other point in time. Sometimes, she speaks but never loud enough for him to hear and will never say who she talks to. After a few cigarettes, a few shots, and the sun have all long disappeared she is ready for the weekend. Brian referred to this process Buffy went through every week her metamorphosis. She went from the confident, aggressive, out-spoken woman that she created to deal with the world and all that comes with it to the quite, sensitive, unsure lady that was reserved for the privacy of her own home. She thought of it as more as a memorial to the past and to him but of course Buffy would never tell that to Brian, or anyone else for that matter. No body would understand. Dawn once asked why she started smoking. Buffy thought about that telling her sister that the smell of cigarettes and old leather was a way to keep him close but quickly dismissed that thought and simply told her it was a nervous habit.


All this wonderful time they had spent together had lead them to this night. The night he was going to propose to her.


She came out of the bathroom looking magnificent. She had no idea what he had in store for tonight. They went to dinner and talked. They came home and made love. Afterwards, when she was wrapped tight in his arms, he pulled the velvet black box out of its hiding place in the bedside table. He opened it up and the stone continued to shimmer in the moonlight coming in from the window. He asked her.


At first he couldn’t tell what her reaction was. It was dark and he couldn’t read her face. He turned on the table lamp and looked at her. She had a single tear rolling down her face. It was a painful tear, like the ones he had seen on her cheek the first night he met her. It didn’t seem as if it was a tear he had caused. Even years later, he couldn’t honestly say whether the tear was his fault or not.


“Brian, I can’t,” she stuttered. “I do love you. But I cannot make a commitment like that to you. I hope you really do understand. I’m sorry but I need to be alone. I am going to have to ask you to leave.”


He pretended to understand told her it was ok, everything would work out, he would call her tomorrow, and he left. She sat there in silence until he closed the door behind him. Only then would she whisper that there was only one person that she could spend eternity with and said her good-bye.

After a while, she got up from her spot on the couch and went to go run a bath. The water was still running when she got in. She laid back and closed her eyes. She felt the warm water swirl around her body. She let herself become totally engulf by the feeling. She quickly found herself sitting by the river of her dreams. She set there staring at the high cliff on the opposite side of the river. She looked around. She was sitting in a forest clearing. Tall evergreen trees surrounded three sides and the river enclosed the trap. To her left, a man was sitting. He was stone still watching the river roll by. All she could see was his silhouette against the setting sun but she heard his low whisper “Welcome home, love.” This was her paradise. She was trapped by nature with out wanting anything or having anything asked of her. Finally she just sat back and let the sound of the water permeate her soul.


Brian called the next day but got now answer. He tried again and again. Still nothing. He decided to go over. He went to the door and found it unlocked. He walked in calling her name but got no answer. He looked in the living room, the kitchen, and the bedroom and found nothing. When he was in the bedroom, he heard the bath running. He walked in and looked at the puddle of water on the floor. The tub was overflowing. He pushed back the curtain to turn off the water. When he did, he found her lifeless body with her wrists sliced open soaking in water saturated with blood.

The End

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