Thoughts Of You

Set at the end of Season 6, an angsty Buffy lays in bed thinking of Spike... (I'm pretty much ignoring the whole rape scene.)

Disclaimer: I don't own Buffy, Spike, etc.

Oh god, oh god, oh god, Buffy thought as she laid in her bed, far from sleep. What have I gotten myself into? Spike’s eyes gazed at her in her mind: bright, determined, and filled with adoration... love- no! Not love, just some warped version of the real thing. How could you possibly love without a soul? Hadn’t Angel proved that to her? If the love-of-her-life could forget what she’d been to him when his soul slipped away, then there was no way Spike could love her. Right?
She cursed herself for being so weak. The pain coursing through her those first few weeks had been so acute that she lowered herself to sexual depravity just to forget it, even for a few hours, or several hours really... of crazed, passionate... oh god. She was supposed to be the strong one, the reliable one, but she hadn’t been able to do it. And the only person, no only thing, that hadn’t pressured her, hadn’t expected her to be strong or happy or grateful in her situation, was a soulless bloodsucker. Just great.
She thought being with Spike would make things simpler: hours of pure feeling, no complicated thoughts seeping into her brain. And sex with Spike had done that: it had been a blissful release from her friend’s expectations and from all bonds and restraints she usually put upon herself. But when it was over... things were worse. Not only because being with a soulless Spike was just plain wrong, but (and perhaps even more disturbing), she began to feel guilty for Spike himself! Those idiotic looks he gave her whenever he held her, or just before they kissed. Those looks that showed such softness, tenderness, and vulnerability. Those glances that somehow showed his humanity even though it had been driven so deep beneath his demon. As disgusted with herself as she had felt for screwing an essentially dead (not to mention evil) creature, it was those glimpses of humanity that truly undid her. If it had been a purely physical, detached act, maybe she could’ve stopped herself after that first time they were together, when the building around them crumbled as surely as did her resolve . After all, there were worse things she could’ve done to forget her pain. (like, oh, say using black magic to annihilate the entire world...) But she couldn’t forgive herself for the feelings that had been growing between her and Spike. Couldn’t deal with the urge inside her that wanted to put aside the fact that Spike was still undead and filled with a demon.
Thoughts of that first night they’d been together came back vividly in her mind. The look Spike had on his face, a mix of shock, hunger, and beneath it, joy. And when they’d tumbled through the floor, him still inside her, his eyes never leaving hers, they shared something. And she knew it.
She couldn’t understand it then, and she sure as hell didn’t understand it now. Why did she always end up in these absurdly impossible relationships? Tears flew to her eyes before she knew it and she found herself wanting Spike beside her- even though he was part of the problem that haunted her. So many times those eyes of his c loo look within her, through her, and make her forget that a demon housed itself within that gorgeous body. If only it could be different... She allowed the thought to pass through her brain for a split second, and then pushed it violently aside. It can’t be different, there’s no use wishing Spike to be good... again she felt helpless and again, she wished he was with her.

“Tell me you love me,” she heard herself say.

“I love you,” he returned, with no hesitation.

“Tell me you want me.”

“I always want you,” he said willingly.

He always gave all of himself to her, without thought. He was always there, no matter how she treated him. And he would always be evil. Why? she thought. Why is it that the only being in the world who can give his love to me freely, with no expectations, is still a vampire? And not even a vamp with a soul,? Is that all she was worth? Is that what it all came down to? The only lover who gave himself to her without restraint and accepted all she gave to him, be it cruelty or caresses, was really dead? A hollow shell without a soul or conscious?
Why then could he make her feel the way she did? How could his gaze look so alive? His eyes drinking her in and promising so much... seeing all of her for what she really was... seeing ALL of her... oh god... she recalled, he really had seen ALL of me. Even though there were men who had seen her body, touched her intimately, the knowledge that Spike was one of them made her insides twist and her face flush pink.
It was one thing to befriend Spike and even to kiss him, but to lay herself bare to him...

“I know where you live now Slayer.”

She heard his smooth voice replay in her head. How true it had been! It wasn’t just her hidden urges she’d exposed to him, but all of her... Her breath caught in her throat, thinking of how she’d given herself over to him- to a vampire who was perfectly capable of killing her while she slept or, well, during other things for that matter. But she’d never been worried that he’d even try. Could she have said the same of a soulless Angelus? The tears poured over her cheeks then... too many thoughts... so she let her mind drift and fill with images of Spike, of how well he knew her dwelling place.
“I’ve tasted it...” Yes, with teeth and hands and tongue, he’d tasted her everywhere. Her entire body ached for him even now. She threw off the sheets as her body heated from within. A hand slipped between her thighs. She gasped, “Spike.”
“Thinkin’ of me luv?” his voice spilled into her mind.
“Yes...” she murmured into her pillow. Hands- over her breasts, caressing the curls around her clit, teasing her... Already, already she was growing wet for him, the blood rushing threw her body to meet her arousal. How could she be so ready for him so quickly? It didn’t matter, she wanted him now. Wanted all that he had to give her.
“Now,” she commanded.
“Your wish, pet...” she heard as her panties slipped off and the tender warmth between her nether lips was replaced with cool, hard satisfaction. She could imagine his eyes on her, even though her own were shut tight, her breathing ragged... and then the rhythm began. Slow at first- slow and terribly deep. It was amazing. This being who she had fought so many times- who had tried to kill her and vise versa- this being was now preening for her and watching every inch of her flesh as he felt the deepest recesses of her body. Dear god, she really couldn’t think why, but the thought of this being she’d known for so long in so many situations finally feeling her so intimately was so... so erotic! God damn it! Moans and whimpers escaped from her despite her best attempts to quiet herself.
“Yes, just like that...” she heard a voice say, not sure if it was her own. The pace quickened, and with a quick twist the position changed so that most of the pressure pushed up against the inside of her belly. Her mind spun. It was these moments, thinking of how deep he was inside her, how much she knew he loved feeling her warmth, and how he also knew how she craved his coolness within, that her world fell away. These were the best moments, and the worst. Instead of the violence that sometimes passed between them, she could feel his unrelenting gentleness and unconditional giving over of himself. And she gave herself in return. She felt free from the world through tenderness, rather than violence. It was the greatest gift and greatest curse he could give her. Soon, she knew, the bliss would dissipate, and she would be left desperately trying to figure out why she could respond to something that was so wrong.
But for now, just for now, she didn’t care. Not while the rhythm persisted, while the erotic beauty still danced within her mind. Clutching at the bed sheets, she thrust her hips forward, impaling herself further, wanting nothing else but this, now. “Yes, oh god... YES!” The orgasm washed over her as the tears spilled anew down her heated face.
“Spike,” she whispered, wanting his sweet, strong arms around her. “I miss you.”
The vibrator she held within her fell away and she curled up, wondering why Spike left, if he’d be back. But most of all, why she missed him and what she would do if he (when?) he came back...


*** Well, hope you enjoyed it! This was one of my first smutty fics! I really wanted to address the idea that Buffy would have conflict over the fact Spike loved her without a soul, but Angelus never could. I always wished that had been mentioned in Spike's favor on the show. Oh well!
Reviews welcome!