Holding on for you

Title: Holding on for you
Author: Angel Jade
Rating: NC-17
Content: Slash, language.
Spoilers: Up to end of S6
Pairings: Giles/Xander
Description: Giles is deported after he and Xander act upon their mutual attraction in the library, but despite both of their fears, they wait for each other.
Setting: Starts Season one BtVS
Feedback: angel-jade@buffyrocks.co.uk
Distribution: Ask first please.
Disclaimer: Do not own characters and if I did...I would *not* subject them to this!
Dedication: For Sofy
Author's notes: I wrote Giles fic...Sofy...feel the love, because I'd only do this for someone like you. Love you sweetie. Have a great birthday. Proud to say I wrote a fic with Xander and Giles in with out mentioning 'G-Man'. Learn from me. BIG thank you to Mad Poetess. What an amazing beta! If this is any good, it's because she gave me some excellent pointers. So thanks.


*****
19th August 2007
*****

Glancing nervously in the mirror for the hundredth time, the 'not-so-young-anymore' man finally opened the door of his rented car and swung his legs out onto the pavement. With the aching of a two-hour drive, he stretched, shaking the restlessness from his muscles, before grabbing his carry bag from the passenger seat and slamming the door shut.

Taking a moment to look at the small house, he tried to imagine how 'he'd' ended up here.

With a small 'it's now or never' sigh, he made his way up the gravel, the crunch beneath his feet making him all the more aware that this was 'his' house and he'd be seeing 'him' again after all this time.

He wanted to wait longer, study the door for a while, perhaps. But he'd already been waiting for so long. He had to know.

He tapped softly on the door and waited.

Ten years. He'd waited ten years for this moment and this was finally it.

The door opened cautiously, a weary unshaven face looking the man up and down before a frown of realisation dawned upon him.

"Xander?"

"Hey Giles." Xander said, hiding his awkwardness behind the cheery greeting. "Good to see you again."

*****
13th March 1997
*****

"Xander, do you plan on doing anything but stare out of the window or do I have to start charging you rent?" Giles asked, waving a book in front the young boy's eyes.

"Sorry." Xander grinned sheely. ly. "Just thinking."

"Don't you have class to attend? You seem to spend an awful lot of time here." Giles pointed out, picking up the pile of books he'd sorted onto the table earlier and walking off to put them back in the right place.

"No, I don't have any classes this year. I just have to turn up." Xander said, smiling.

"I'm sure." Giles said, distracted by one of the torn paperbacks.

"Need help?" Xander asked, jumping up off his seat.

Giles frowned. "Since when do you like helping me out? Are you ill?"

Xander rolled his eyes. "Jeez, if you'd rather I return to my seat to stare some more until Buffy and Willow show up, it's no skin off my..."

"Very well, you can put these away." Giles said, offloading the pile into Xander's arms. "Don't drop them. And put them in the *right* places."

"Yeah yeah, it's not exactly rocket science." Xander reminded him.

Giles watched Xander fumble with the books as he went deeper into the library and inwardly counted to ten. One the last number, a crash...followed by a string of curses sounded from behind the stacks.

He smiled to himself and went back into his office.

*****

"Um...Giles?"

"What have you done?" Giles asked, simply, not taking his eyes from the paper in front of him.

"Nothing!" Xander said, quickly. "I was just going to say...I finished."

"Oh...wonderful. I'm afraid I don't have anything else you can do right now..."

"It's cool. I'll sit in here with you." Xander said, looking around. As he realised lac lack of anywhere else to sit, he leaned against the wall. "So...how's things?"

Giles hesitated, before humouring him. "As well as can be expected. And yourself?"

Xander smiled at the words. "Good! Except school. That's boring as usual."

"Perhaps if you went to class more often..." Giles suggested.

Xander just laughed.

"I'm serious, Xander. You may think it's all pointless, but when you're older, you'll wish you'd paid more attention."

"Heard it all before. I just need to get through it...then I'll get a job somewhere, I don't know...a librarian! I'll be a librarian!" Xander said, happily.

"You need a Masters degree for that." Giles pointed out.

"Oh...was only joking anyway. I'll be...you know what, I don't need to be anything. I fight demons and vampires now. It's not like I need a job." Xander dismissed.

"You'll need money. Do you really want to live with your parents for the rest of your life?"

Xander grimaced. "Good point."

"And you have no idea how important education is in the real world. Maths, science..." Giles began to list.

"I get it." Xander interrupted. "I promise to turn up to at least one class a day, happy?"

Giles frowned. "This isn't about school, is it?"

"What?" Xander asked, wide eyed.

"Something's wrong, isn't it?" Giles asked. "Whatever it is, you can always talk to me, you know that, right?"

Xander relaxed. "Nothing's wrong. I'm fine."

"You never used to skip so many classes. It's only very recently." Giles said, seriously.

"I just...I'd rather be here, okay?" Xander said, dismissively.

"Why on earth would a young boy like you want to hang around in a stuffy library with me all day?" Giles asked.

Xander shrugged. "It's quiet here. I like to think. And it's more fun hanging round with you than it is being in class."

"What if I were to teach you?" Giles asked. "Help you with your work. Would that help?"

Raising his eyebrows, Xander laughed. "Don't you have a job to do?"

"It would just be help...you'd turn up to the majority of your classes, if only to get the work and then bring it here and I'd help you if you got stuck." Giles suggested. "Obviously no one must know, if Principle Snyder were to find out, I'd be fired for being an accessory to truancy."

"You'd really help me?" Xander asked.

"Of course." Giles replied softly. "I want you to get an education, Xander. You won't know how important it is until it's too late."

Xander nodded. "Alright. I'll go to some classes and bring homework and unfinished class work here...and you'll help me, right?"

Giles nodded.

Xander beamed. "Cool."

"Indeed." Giles said. "Do you have anything now you can be getting on with?"

"I have math homework, but it was due this morning." Xander told him.

"Then get on with it and perhaps you'll be able to deliver it at the end of school, complete with an apology for not being present."

"You're going to be one of those anal teachers with attitude, aren't you?" Xander joked.

"And you're going to be one of those impossible students in need of a kick up the backside." Giles retorted.

"Harsh Giles." Xander laughed. "Okay, math homework here I come."

"Cal if if you need anything." Giles told him as Xander went to leave.

"Alright." Xander said, grabbing his bag from the table and pulling out his textbook.

After two minutes of going through paper work and sipping his luke-warm tea, Giles wnternterrupted.

"It's too hard." Xander complained.

Standing up, Giles sighed. "I can see I'm going to get absolutely nothing done with you here."

"Hey, you offered."

"Right...what seems to be the problem?" Giles asked, standing above Xander, hiding an amused smile behind his serious 'teacher face'.

*****

The faint sound of laughter pulled Xander's attention from the difficult equations and he watched as Buffy and Willow walked in.

He looked up at the clock; amazed time had gone so quickly.

"Xander...hey. Did you get out early?" Buffy asked.

"He didn't even show in math." Willow pointed out. "Where you been?"

"Here." Xander replied. "I was just doing my math homework."

"As in, the one due this morning?" Willow asked.

Xander grinned. "Better late than never, right?"

"You don't usually bother, what's got you all...math-happy?" Willow asked, suspiciously.

"Giles." Xander said, simply. When he received funny looks, he smiled and explained. "He's helping me out. But no one's supposed to know, because I'm skipping some classes to do it."

"Giles is tutoring you?" Buffy asked, screwing up her nose. "Weird."

"Thank you for that, Buffy." Giles said, dryly, walking in from his office. "Have you finished yet?"

"One left." Xander said happily. "Giles made it easy. I can do math!"

Willow frowned. "I didn't make it easy?"

"Aw, Wills...you know you're a great tutor...just...Giles did dif different way." Xander said, awkwardly.

"My way works too." Willow pouted.

"Your way got me a C Will, don't worry." Buffy smiled comfortingly.

"Finish up and go and see your maths teacher." Giles instructed.

"Oh, I love it when you're all bossy." Xander said, in a mock-flirty voice.

Everyone gave him a funny look.

"I'll just finish up and leave now." Xander said quickly.

"So, Giles, anything bad to kill today? I'm in a staking mood." Buffy said, sitting on the table.

"Hey...watch my book." Xander complained.

"Giles, what did you do to him?" Willow asked. "Is he possessed again? Xander, are you possessed?"

"Can't a guy be all protective over his books as he studies math after school in library without his friends asking stupid questions?" Xander asked.

"Not you." Willow grinned.

"You're right. I'm possessed. Giles, get the books out, a high school nerd has possessed me!"

"I knew you two would distract him." Giles muttered. "Get on with the last sum, please."

"Ooh, you made Giles go all...teacher-like." Buffy said in awe. "Scary."

Willow just giggled as Giles frowned.

"Done." Xander said, jumping up. "Be right back ladies. And gentleman."

As soon as he was gone, Giles turned to Buffy and Willow. "No, nothing to kill, I'm afraid. It seems to be rather quiet this week. One can only hope it remains this way."

Buffy sighed. "Guess we're gonna have to go to the Bronze for fun."

"Imagine..." Willow said, with fake sadness. "Three young teenagers forced to go to dance and socialise when they should be out killing evil creatures of the night. Horrible."

"Ooh, I have a new dress." Buffy said excitedly.

"You can still patrol." Giles interrupted. "Just because nothing seems to be causing trouble, doesn't mean there isn't anything out there."

"But...new dress." Buffy whined.

Giles rolled his eyes. "Willow and Xander and I will accompany you."

"Oh we *will* will we?" Willow said, pointedly.

"If you want to." Giles added.

"Hmm, homework/patrolling...homework/patrolling...it's a tough decision." Willow said, smiling.

"Did either of you pick up any homework for Xander?" Giles asked, interestedly.

"What's the new interest in Xander, Giles?" Buffy asked.

"N...nothing. I'm just...helping him with his school work." Giles flustered.

"I don't get it. I've been trying to get Xander into school forever. And then you come along and poof, he's doing his homework and actually giving it in." Willow said.

"Yes, well he has been hanging round here a lot, at least this way he's doing something constructive instead of staring all day. Come to think of it, he has been acting a little odd lately."

"Xander? Odd? Nah..." Buffy joked.

"I was just worried about all the time he was spending sitting there and doing nothing. I can't imagine why he'd want to stay in here doing such a thing." Giles said.

"You should know." Buffy said. "You make a living out of it."

Giles frowned. "Don't you have somewhere else to be?"

"You mean, no watcher/slayer meeting?" Buffy asked. "This has got to be a first."

"Let us enjoy this freedom with a trip to the mall for ice cream." Willow suggested with a grin.

"Ooh, yes!" Buffy squealed. "We'll wait for Xander and then..."

"Willow, did you receive any maths homework this morning?" Giles asked.

"Yeah, quite a bit. Uh, sd I d I pass it on to Xander?" She asked.

"If you could let me know exactly what it is, I'll make sure he gets it done for your next lesson." Giles said.

"Um...okay." Willow said, opening her bag to find her notes.

Xander walked through the doors whistling. "Heeello."

"Everything went well, I trust?" Giles asked.

"Yeah...but I think she might need resuscitating." Xander said.

Giles frowned.

"Shock." Xander explained with a grin.

"Xander, I'm just gg yog your new homework to Giles." Willow told him. "In case you feel another bout of nerdisism coming on."

"We're going to the mall for ice cream, wanna come?" Buffy asked, excitedly.

"Uh..." Xander cast a look at Giles. "I think I'll stay here. If it's okay with you?"

Giles nodded, a little surprised. "Of course."

Buffy reached up to feel Xander's forehead. "Xander? Food? And you'd rather stay in a library...doing...what?"

"I could start my homework." Xander said.

Giles' face lit up. "Yes, a wonderful idea."

Buffy shook her head in disbelief. "New and improved Xander Harris. Comes complete with pod person personality and extreme love for math homework."

"I think it's cool." Willow gushed.

Buffy rolled her eyes. "You would."

"I like homework." Willow told her. "I could stay if you..."

"No, you go ahead." Xander said, quickly. "Get ice cream...have fun...do girly things."

"Okay." Buffy said. "I guess we could go lingerie shopping."

Willow nodded. "Yeah, try on all the skimpy underwear."

Xander laughed. "Have fun."

Willow and Buffy exchanged looks.

"Told ya, pod person." Buffy commented as they went to leave.

"I think he's trying to get rid of us." Willow said, watching them carefully. "What are you two up to?"

"Nothing!" Giles and Xander said, simultaneously.

"Come on, Will. Shops'll be closed before we get anywhere." Buffy called. "See you tonight."

"Enjoy your shopping trip." Giles said, as they walked out.

There was an awkward silence.

"So...homework..." Xander said, finally.

*****

Giles leaned over Xander as he pointed to the equations Xander seemed to be having the most difficulty with.

"Is that clearer?"

Xander frowned. "Um...no, could you explain it again?"

Sighing, Giles went over it for the fifth time, not realising Xander wasn't even looking at the book.

"Could we take a break?" Xander asked, finally.

Giles pulled away, and straightened. "Very well."

"This is too hard."

"It's simple once you have the hang of it." Giles said, going in his office to make some tea. "Drink?"

"Nah, I'm fine thanks." Xander replied, watching the older man leave.

Giles returned minutes later and sat down opposite Xander, a worried look on his face.

"Uh-oh." Xander joked. "You're about to ask me what's wrong, aren't you?"

"Are you going to tell me this time?" Giles asked, gently.

"Why does something have to be wrong?" Xander asked.

"You've been hanging round the library, you're giving up trips with your friends to stay here and do your homework...you aren't even concentrating on what I'm saying and every time I try and leave the room, you suddenly need my help with something." Giles listed. "What is it you want to tell me?"

Xander flushed red and looked away. "What do you mean?"

"There's something bothering you, yes? The only reason for your behaviour that I can think of is that you want to talk to me about it but you're having difficulties." Giles said softly, "You're in here more than class lately and all you seem to so is stare at the window or...doodle on your note pad. I'm just a little worried. I can't understand what's so fascinating about a library to a teenage boy of your...persona."

Xander frowned. "What? I can't just wanna hang round here. With you?"

Giles heted,ted, trying to read into Xander's words, but the boy was doing well at hiding what he was feeling. "Why would you want to be around me anymore than usual? I'd have thought you'd rather be with your friends. People your own age."

"I'm round them all the time." Xander said, exasperated. "Maybe I like being around you."

"Well...I...didn't think you cared much for me." Giles stuttered, trying to sound casual and failing.

Xander smiled. "I like you. I mean...you're fun. Not fun...um...I'm coming out wrong. Not 'coming out'! Uh..."

"You seem a little nervous." Giles said, interrupting Xander's horrified babble.

"That's me," Xander joked nervously, "Nervous when I babble. I say things wrong sometimes."

Giles gave him an amused look. "I noticed."

"You...don't mind me here though, right?" Xander asked, worried all of a sudden.

"Of course not!" Giles said, a little to quickly. "I...well, I enjoy the company. And the help, when you chose to give it. And ensuring your...uh, education is adequate."

"You enjoy my company?" Xander asked, as if trying to make sure. "I don't annoy you?"

"No, Xander, if anything, your presence is a great relief. I know it isn't always said, but without you, I fear things would be a lot harder on all of us. Especially Buffy. We all appreciate your humour, however ill timed."

Xander grinned. "Good to know."

"Now, perhaps, you'll be willing to let me know what's wrong?" Giles said, a knowing smile on his face.

Xander's eyes darted back to the floor. "It's nothing..."

Giles sighed. "Xander, please, for my own peace of mind, talk to me."

"Uh..." Xander broke off. "Well...there is something, but it's nothing you need to worry about and I don't need help anyway, its just a little thing that'll go away..."

"Xander, take a breath." Giles reminded him. "And tell me. I don't care if you think it's unimportant. You may not believe it, but I do care about you and I want to know what's wrong."

Xander stared at Giles for a moment, taking in the words. "I just...like someone."

"Ah, I see." Giles said, nodding.

"And they don't like me." Xander continued. "That's all it is."

"Buffy..." Giles guessed.

"No...it's not." Xander said, quickly.

"Oh...but I thought..."

"I did. Like her, I mean. When I first saw her, she was all I could think about. But now I like someone else."

"I see. And this person doesn't like you? You're sure?" Giles asked.

"Yes. Well, no. But you see...this person...is kinda male. And don't freak out because I don't think I'm gay I just like this one guy and I know I shouldn't but..."

"Calm down." Giles said softly. "Don't think your generation invented homosexuality. I understand what you're going through."

"You do? As in...you know or you *know*?" Xander asked carefully.

"Well..." Giles flustered. "A lot of young people go through a period of time when they're unsure about their feelings. It's not uncommon for a...uh, male who likes girls to believe, at some point, that he is, uh, attracted to a certain male. But it isn't to say that, this male is...gay. It's a natural part of growing up."

"But this isn't a little crush. I *really* like this guy." Xander said, his cheeks flaming as he looked Giles in the eye. "I mean..."

"I know what you meant." Giles said quickly, before Xander went any further.

"I've been thinking about him a lot and...it's more than some stupid high school crush. I know it is." Xander insisted. "It's hard, you know? I don't exactly have anyone to talk to about this. I don't know anyone who's *been* there."

"Well, I...I've been there. I myself have..." Giles stopped; a little embarrassed to be discussing this with a sixteen year old.

"Oh my God, you're gay!" Xander said, eyes wide.

"I prefer the term alternative. I have had partners of both sexes." Giles told him, defensively.

Xander took a moment to let the words sink in. "Wow...I didn't...this is so..." He couldn't stop smiling.

"But we're talking about you, not me." Giles pointed out. "This boy you like, you don't think he's gay?"

Xander just blushed. "Well, he prefers the term alternative."

Giles froze in shock. "Uh..."

"I know, I know. I'm sorry, I freaked you out, didn't I?" Xander stood up.

"No wait, please, sit." Giles urged, standing up.

"Have I just embarrassed myself totally?" Xander asked, unable to look Giles in the eye.

"No, of course not." Giles said. "It's perfectly natural to...like people."

"But you don't like me like that." Xander finished. "Right?"

"I didn't say that." Giles pointed out. "I'm just...I'm too old for you. You're just a student and I..."

"I'm sorry." Xander said, quickly.

Giles watched helplessly as Xander bolted out of the library, bag in hand. Collapsing back down onto his chair, he buried his face in his hands. "Well, that went well."

*****
14th May 1997
*****

Xander trailed in after Buffy and Willow, obviously wishing he were anywhere but in the school library.

Giles looked at him instantly, concern etched on his face.

"Hey, Giles." Buffy said, swinging her bag onto the library table before slumping into the nearest chair. "You would not believe the day I've had..."

"How are you feeling?" Giles asked Xander.

Xander looked at him, horrified. "Huh?"

"Last night, Willow said you had a head ache. You didn't come patrolling, I was worried. You seem better today."

"Oh...yeah, fine." Xander said, awkwardly, before walking away to sit with Buffy.

"As I was saying," Buffy said. "I'm flunking science so badly. Perhaps you could tutor me, Giles."

Breaking his eyes away from the embarrassed boy, Giles turned to Buffy. "Uh, well, I don't think science is my best subject. And besides, you don't listen to me as your watcher, I doubt I'd be able to tutor you in school work."

Buffy smiled. "Yeah, you're right. I work too hard as it is."

Giles frowned slightly, before returning his attention to the subject he needed to bring up. Although he intended on talking with Xander as soon as possible, there were more pressing issues at hand.

And by the look on Xander's face, he was looking forward to the talk as much as Giles was.

*****

"Xander, could I, perhapsve ave a word?" Giles asked hopefully.

Pausing as his friends continued out of the library, Xander looked anywhere but at the man he'd embarrassed himself in front of the night before.

As soon as Buffy WillWillow had gone, Giles relaxed a little, trying to encourage Xander to do the same.

"About yesterday..."

"It's fine, Giles. I knew youldn'ldn't be...I should have kept my mouth shut. I'm sorry I made things awkward. If we could just forget it happened..." Xander suggested.

"You understand why this can never happen, don't you?" Giles asked.

Clenching his jaw in an attempt to hide his emotions to prevent further embarrassment, Xander nodded.

"I'm too old for you. And a member of faculty at your school. It's illegal. I could be arrested. Or deported. It wouldn't be worth the risk." Giles said, softly.

"Are you saying it can't happen, or it won't happen?" Xander asked, carefully.

Giles blinked. "I don't think I understand..."

"If you could, be with me, I mean. Would you?" Xander asked, quietly, never taking his eyes of the little spot in the carpet, hoping it would soften the blow of being rejected.

Giles looked at Xander, vulnerably. No matter what he said, it would hurt Xander. And perhaps even himself in the long run. Unable to choose between his only two options, he did the only thing he could. "I don't know."

Xander nodded. "I understand, it's fine." He went to leave again.

"No, Xander wait." Giles called. "It isn't that I wouldn't, it's that it's wrong."

"No one would have to know." Xander said, in a little voice.

"I...I just can't. I'm sorry." Giles said, wishing for once that he still had that part of his personality he lost long ago. The part that gave him the freedom to do as he chose. The part he lost along with the embarrassingly symbolic nickname his friends had given him.

Xander watched Giles for what seemed like minutes as the words played in his head. He wasn't sure whether to be hopeful or try desperatel blo block the whole experience from his memory. "Okay. I'm gonna go now."

"But..."

"There's nothing else to say." Xander said, seriously.

"Are you sure you're going to be alright?" Giles asked, worriedly.

"I may be young Giles..." Xander said, walking away. "But I can take care of myself."

*****th Mth May 1997
*****

The whole weekend, Xander'ce hce haunted Giles. The disappointment. The fear. And worst of all that little flicker of hope that had crossed his face every so often. Giles couldn't get that image out of his head.

He sat in his chair, at home, sipping his scotch and staring into space as Xander had done before their disastrous first 'conversation'. He couldn't get over the overwhelming guilt he felt at letting Xander down like that. He had no doubts he'd done the right thing, but it didn't make it any easier to feel good about it.

And worse still, he couldn't stop seeing Xander in a way he knew would only lead somewhere very bad.

He'd noticed Xander before. He couldn't understand how anyone couldn't. The boy was not only strikingly handsome, he seemed to radiate with life and all the things Giles often missed out on, working in such a dangerous job.

Xander reminded him of his first crush. Male crush. He'd been at school at the time and although he'd never exactly fit in there, he had had his own group of friends and had generally kept to himself. But there was one boy who'd hung around with the more popular students, that Giles hadn't been able to keep away from.

Of course, Giles had never mentioned it at all to anyone and had gone his entire career at school without so much as talking to this boy he found so alluring.

And now Xander. A boy so similar in a way, but with something so much more.

Finishing off his drink as he rose from the chair, Giles sauntered off to bed, praying tomorrow would clear things up and the problems would right themselves.

*****
17th May 1997
*****

Giles stood facing the bookcase, lost in thought, a book in his hand, which he had long forgotten the title of.

He couldn't get Xander off his mind long enough to concentrate on anything.

"Giles?"

A short burst of shock followed by the clatter of a book hitting the ground was a clear sign to Xander, that Giles wasn't expecting him.

"I'm sorry, are you busy?" Xander asked, hiding his nervousness behind his usual jokes.

"I was just...Xander. Are you...how can I help you?" Giles stuttered.

"History homework. You any good at the civil war?" Xander asked.

"Oh...not particularly. But I can help you research, if you want me to." Giles offered.

"Works for me." Xander grinned, walking away to take his usual place at the table.

Giles watched him sadly. He knew exactly what Xander was doing and it hurt to think the boy wanted to forget it all so quickly, after he had thought about it non-stop since Xander's revelation.

"Xander..."

"So," Xander interrupted quickly, "books. Index cards, right? I can do that. I'll go look."

"Xander..."

He finally stopped and looked at Giles, waiting for yet another lecture.

Giles hesitated. "Why don't you let me do that?"

Xander smiled thankfully as Giles handled the index cards. He sat down at the desk and tried to breath normally, reminding himself the only way things were going to get back to normal was if he acted normal.

Even if it killed him to do it.

As Giles searched through the index cards, he shouted out the numbers and Xander went to find them.

By the time they'd found the books, it was nearly lunchtime.

Giles gestured for Xander to pass him one of the bigger books, and as he did, their hands met.

Xander froze, looking at Giles with anticipation.

sta stayed silent and still, each waiting for the others reaction.

As the bell for lunch went, Giles jerked his hand away and smiled nervously. "Right...the civil war."

"You're just gonna keep pretending, aren't you?" Xander asked, quietly.

Giles frowned. "I rather thought that was what you were doing."

"What?"

"Nevermind. We should just continue with your work." Giles said, flicking through the pages of the book, pretending to read them.

"I hate this." Xander said, slamming his own book down onto the table.

"I understand history can be somewhat...uninteresting to a youth..."

"I mean us." Xander explained.

"Xander, there is no us."

Xander rolled his eyes. "I mean the way you're acting as if it didn't happen."

"If I recall, you were too." Giles said, resorting to childish blame games.

"Because it's what you want." Xander told him.

"Believe me, it's not.t wet we don't always get what we want." Giles said.

"So you do want to?" Xander asked.

Giles blushed and looked away. "I didn't say that, I just meant...I..."

"I want you Giles. And you want me too. Don't gme ame any of this 'we can't' crap because it's old. If there was no school, no rules and age didn't matter to you..."

"Age doesn't matter to me." Giles interrupted.

"Would you or wouldn't you? Straight answer." Xander demanded.

Giles paused. "I..."

"Yes or no. Please Giles, give me that much." Xander begged.

"But there is school and rules and..."

"Giles!"

"Yes." Giles said, quickly. "Is that what you want to hear? I'm not proud of it, Xander. It's very wrong and I shouldn't even think it, but I do. Since we talked, you're all I can..." He broke off.

"Think about?" Xander asked, a smile creeping on his lips.

"It doesn't mean anything." Giles said, simply. "You know full well I can't do anything about it."

"But I like you...I mean, I really like you..." Xander said, awkwardly. "I want to...you know..."

"You're too young..." Giles repeated again, desperately trying to convince both of them.

"I've been thinking about this a lot. And I mean a lot." Xander said. "I want you."

Giles stood and turned his back, trying to hide the confusion that crossed his face. He closed his eyes as Xander's words washed over him.

Xander wasn't the only one who'd been thinking about it.

"We...can't, Xander. I should go...you need to go and get some lunch..." Giles stuttered.

"You're mad at me, aren't you?" Xander asked, quietly.

Giles turned back to the boy immediately and walked over to where Xander now stood. "No! I'm not mad. I just...feel helpless. I can't, you have to understand that."

Xander leaned over and placed his lips gently on the older man's.

As he pulled back, he saw the pain on Giles' face. "Please, you should go..."

"But I want to stay." Xander said, softly.

"We can't..."

"So you keep saying." Xander said, leaning back over, feeling a rush of excitement, as Giles didn't stop him as the kiss deepened.

He felt Giles respond and a hand appear on his arm, pulling his closer.

*****
19th August 2007
*****

"What are you...?" Giles began, lost for words.

"Doing here?" Xander grinned. "Well, I figured, it's been a while. Ten years, give or take. I thought maybe you'd be happy to see me."

"Of course...I just...didn't expect to see you again." Giles told him. "I thought..."

"What?" Xander asked, with as much cheer as he could manage to hide the nerves. "That I'd forget you that quickly?"

"It's been ten years, Xander." Giles reminded him.

"You *are* happy to see me, right?" Xander asked.

"I've thought of nothing else since I left America. But I honestly didn't think you'd ever want to see me again." Giles said, honestly.

"I kinda tht tht the same. But I wanted to see you so badly, I decided to give it a try."

"You look..." Giles began.

"Older. I know. Scary isn't it?" Xander smiled.

"I must look...I wish you'd called, I would have..." Giles stuttered.

"You look good. Same as I remember." Xander told him, softly.

"Oh, how rude of me. Please, come in. I'll put the kettle on." Giles said, backing away from the door.

"You haven't changed a bit." Xander said, walking inside. "Still the same old Giles."

"I assure you, I've changed more than you realise." Giles said as he walked towards the kitchen.

"Well, that's good. Gives us something to talk about over coffee." Xander pointed out.

"Still not a tea drinker?" Giles asked him.

"The only tea I ever liked was yours." Xander told him. "Tea would be good, thanks."

Giles smiled. "Come and sit down. I'm sure we have a lot to talk about."

"I'm sure we do."

*****
17th May 1997
*****

Giles jolted away as Xander's hand ran across his waist towards his back.

Xander looked at him, terrified of his reaction. "I'm sorry..."

"No, I shouldn't have done that." Giles said. "This is neither the time, nor the place...and it's still very wrong of me...I should know better."

Xander threw a worried look towards the door. "I don't think anyone saw us."

"That's not the point." Giles said, trying to straighten out his already perfect clothes.

"It wasn't...good?" Xander asked him.

Giles frowned. "Xander, you know very well why I stopped it. I don't know how many times I need to go over this to convince you."

"Sure you're not trying to convince yourself?" Xander asked him.

Giles pushed the thoughts from his head, trying to concentrate on the situation. "What I did was wrong."

"Keep telling yourself that, Giles." Xander said, seriously, grabbing his bag off the table.

Giles watched as Xander left, yet again. He wondered why it was always Xander leaving and never him. Perhaps he was further into this than he cared to admit.

*****
20th May 1997
*****

Days later, Xander had managed to avoid the library up until Buffy decided they needed to meet after school to discuss something she'd killed the night before.

So, Xander followed his two best friends back into the library where Giles waited.

Playing it cool, Xander managed to fool the two girls no problem. But Giles...Giles couldn't take his eyes off the boy.

"Hello? Are you listening? Earth to Giles..." Buffy called. "You're spacing."

"What?" Giles looked at her. "Oh, yes, the demon...could you describe it?"

"I just did." Buffy said. "You're acting weirder than usual."

"Oh...I was just thinking." Giles said.

Buffy grinned. "About a certain computer teacher who has the hots for you?"

Giles blushed and shot a look at Xander. "No, can you please describe this demon so we can begin the research, please?"

"Oookay. No more late nights for Giles." Buffy joked.

Buffy debed bed the demon as best she could, not noticing Giles and Xander exchanging looks through out her 'could it smell any worse?' speech.

"Right...I see." Giles said finally. "Perhaps you and Willow could research down here. Xander and I will find some more out back."

Xander hesitated, before standing up and following Giles behind the stacks.

"Those two are acting *so* weird." Willow commented.

"Tell me about it." Buffy frowned.

*****

Xander sighed as he pulled out yet another dusty chronicle and placed it on their pile.

Giles looked at the title and smiled. "Something tells me we won't find a reference to this demon in a book entitled, 'Witchcraft'."

Xander frowned. "Oh...sorry. Guess I'm not really in the mood for this right now."

"Why don't you head off?" Giles suggested. "I understand that maybe things have been a little difficult on you lately. We can manage here."

"I'm fine." Xander said, before turning back to the books.

"Evidently, you're not." Giles pointed out.

"Well, that happens when you finally kiss someone you like and get shot down. Again." Xander whispered.

"Xander..."

"I know, I know. We can't do this...blah, blah, blah. Heard it all before." Xander quipped.

"I understand how you feel..." Giles started.

"No, you don't." Xander replied.

"Do you think it's easy for me, being the one to stop myself from..." Giles quickly stopped himself. "It's hard on me, too."

"It doesn't have to be." Xander commented.

Giles shook his head. "This can't happen..."

"It already has." Xander whispered, edging closer.

"...Again." Giles added.

"I was afraid last time. Everything was riding on it. You liking me. Me liking you. It was the one thing that would make things clear. And it did." Xander explained.

Giles remained silent.

"It felt right. I know it did. It did for you too." Xander said, his voice wavering. "Don't pretend it didn't."

Giles nodded. "But that doesn't mean we can do it again."

"And if we did?" Xander asked, leaning ever so slightly forward.

"We...shouldn't." Giles said, barely whispering.

Xander closed his eyes and moved towards Giles, their lips meeting in the middle.

And this time, neither pulled away.

*****
21st May 1997
*****

"Alright, mister, what's made you so happy?" Willow demanded the next morning when Xander arrived, not only on time but also with all his books and homework. All this and a giant smile on his face and Willow was suspicious.

"Nothing, just...school. Happy. Nothing Wills, honest." Xander swore, sitting beside her outside Sunnydale High.

"Xander Harris, you're keeping something from me." Willow pouted, prodding him with her finger.

"Willow, nothings going on." Xander repeated.

Just as Willow went to dig deeper, Buffy appeared.

"Ready to report to Giles?"

Willow and Xander nodded, standing and walking inside with her towards the library.

*****

This was the first time Xander was actually happy about going into the library since his initial confession to Giles. He was the first inside, followed closely by a suspicious Buffy and Willow.

Giles poked his head round the office door to see who it was.

Upon seeing Giles, Xander smiled, his face lighting up.

Giles returned the smile, blushing slightly and looking away as Buffy and Willow came into view.

"How did patrolling go last night?" Giles asked, trying to take his mind off the grinning boy to his left.

"Same as always. Two vamps down and a very tired Buffy this morning." Buffy reported.

"Nothing unusual?" Giles asked.

"Apart from the stench of these guys, I'd say they were pretty much your everyday average vampires." Buffy replied. "Sorry to disappoint."

The bell went before Giles could comment and the two girls stood up.

"Coming Xander?" Willow asked.

"Be right there." Xander replied, not taking his eyes off Giles.

Willow frowned, but said nothing and left with Buffy.

"So...uh, how are you?" Giles asked Xander once they were alone.

Xander nodded. "I'm good. You?"

"Surprisingly nervous." Giles admitted.

That brought a smile to Xander's face. "Yeah, me too. But before you say anything, I want you to know what happened yesterday was a good thing. For me anyway. Please don't start with that, 'It's wrong, we can't' stuff, because right now, all I wanna do is kiss you."

Unable to think of what to say to that, Giles went into his office, re-emerging with a 'closed for filing' sign, which he quickly hung on the door before locking it.

Xander grinned. "I thought you'd blow me off again."

"Truth be told, I haven't stopped thinking about you since..."

"Yesterday?" Xander finished for him.

"Since you told me." Giles corrected, nervously.

"You're lucky then, I've been thinking about you since I met you." Xander admitted.

Giles smiled. "I still don't understand what you see..."

"Don't." Xander interrupted. "I'm planning on turning up to french this morning, so we don't have much time."

"Then perhaps we should...go into my office." Giles said, awkwardly.

Xander followed him in, equally anxious but hiding it well. The moment they were inside, Giles' hands captured Xander's face, pulling them back together, lips pressing together in a desperate kiss.

Xander's hand reached out for Giles' chest, running down the rough material of his jacket, slipping inside, over the shirt. Giles followed suit, his hands moving down from Xander's face to explore the body pressing against his.

He barely noticed Xander carefully unbuttoning his shirt until the boy's hand slipped inside, craving the touch of bare skin. He went to pull away, but Xander's other hand held on tightly.

Giles moaned as Xander's hand dipped lower, stopping at the waistband of his trousers to curl round to his back, holding him closer to Xander's own body.

As the kiss broke, Xander saw his chance and pulled his sweater over his head, smiling as Giles helped. Once tossed aside, Giles reached up to caress the pale skin, desperately wanting more and only his last shred of sanity keeping him from getting it.

"Giles please," Xander whispered hoarsely, "I want you."

Their breathing becoming frantic, Giles shrugged his blazer off. Xander pushed the shirt aside and his hands reached for Giles' zipper.

"We shouldn't..." Giles began to say, feeling himself getting hard having Xander so close.

Ignoring him, Xander managed to undo the pants, pushing them and Giles' underwear to the floor.

Terrified and fascinated at the same time, he hesitated.

Seeing the conflict in the boy's eyes, Giles came to his senses. "Xander, stop. We can't." He went to lean down to pull his clothes back up, but Xander stopped him.

"Giles, please...I need this." Xander whispered. "Id yod you."

It was Giles' turn to hesitate, giving Xander the opportunity to convince Giles he really wanted this. Carefully, he reached out, clasping Giles' erection. Eliciting a small hiss from the contact, Giles let him continue, thoughts blurring in his head until all the doubts and fears were no longer auditable in his head.

Xander began to stoke the length, gaining confidence as he went, picking up speed. As he saw the appreciation in Giles' face, he smiled. His own doubts diminishing, he leaned forward to whisper in Giles' ear. "Giles, I want you."

Opening his eyes and focusing on Xander, Giles frd. "d. "What?"

Xander undid his pants, watching Giles' reaction all the time. The man wasn't too sure what to say, but by the time Xander's pants and boxers were in a pile on the floor, he didn't even care to try talking about it. He was back, in Xander's arms, kissing the boy, letting their bodies touch, making them both moan with intensified arousal.

"I want you inside me." Xander whispered.

"I can't...Xander, I don't have anything to...it'll hurt." Giles told him.

Xander knelt down, fumbling in the pocket of his discarded pants until he pulled out a lubricated condom. "I told you I've been thinking about this."

Not sure whether to be shocked or amused, Giles took the condom.

Guiding Xander over the desk, Giles caressed Xander's back, sliding down onto his ass.

"Giles, please..." Xander moaned.

Swallowing nervously, Giles lubricated his finger with his mouth. Afraid of hurting Xander, he wanted to at least prepare him.

As the finger slid inside, Xander groaned with pleasure. Although uncomfortable at first, he soon got used to the intrusion and begged Giles to speed the process up.

After getting Xander used to three fingers, Giles decided he was ready. "If it hurts, tell me and I'll stop." He promised.

Xander just nodded, too desperate to get words out anymore.

Giles eased himself inside Xander, groaning at how tight the boy felt.

Xander bit his lip to stop himself from crying out. It hurt a lot more than the fingers, but there wasn't a chance in hell he'd tell Giles to stop.

Going incredibly slowly at first, Giles moved in and out with deliberating rhythm, denying his need to go faster. The moment Xander asked him for more, he began to move with more power, moaning at the feeling of being inside another man. He'd forgotten how good it felt.

Xander cried out as Giles hit his prostate, sending a jolt of pleasure through his body. As the stimulation continued, his own hand wrapped around his erection and he began to bring himself off while Giles continued to drive into him from behind.

They both came within minutes of each other, swearing and gasping as their orgasms hit.

Pulling away, Giles immediately felt a rising panic tightening his chest. "Xander...are you alright?"

Xander stood carefully, aching all over but too euphoric to give a damn. "Giles..."

"What? Did I hurt you? Oh God, Xander, I'm so sorry..."

"No, Giles, that was..." Xander stopped to breathe. "Amazing."

Relief was soon overshadowed by guilt. "I shouldn't have done that."

"Don't, please..." Xander pleaded. "Don't ruin it. That was my first time, I don't want to remember it as being crap for the other person."

"No, Xander...it wasn't. It was, like you said, amazing. But it was wrong of me to take advantage of you." Giles explained.

Xander rolled his eyes. "If anyone was taking advantage, it was me."

"I'll lose my job." Giles said to himself. "I could be arrested."

"No one's going to find out." Xander promised as he began to dress again. "Not even Willow. But please, don't push me away now."

Giles looked into the boy's eyes, helplessly. He wasn't sure he could deny himself now he knew what he would miss out on. "You better go to class."

Xander nodded, zipping up his pants. He pulled the top over his head and straightened the clothes out, before going to leave. He stopped at the office doorway. "You're not mad at me, are you?"

"Never." Giles said, softly.

Xander smiled and nodded. "Can I...I mean, after school, can I come and see you?"

"Of course." Giles replied. "I'll be right here."

Xander grinned as he left, knowing there was no way he'd be able to concentrate all day.

Still, there was always after school to look forward to.

*****

Moaning at frantic hands pulled at his shirt, Giles tried to remember what it was he was trying to say.

"Shouldn't...not...here..."

"It's okay." Xander whispered, his hands delving inside the older man's shirt to caress his chest. "The door's locked and the sign's up...we're safe."

Giving in again to this incredible feeling Xander was causing in him, Giles allowed Xander to continue, his own hands doing their fair share of touching.

"I didn't invite you here...for this..." Giles tried to say.

"No, I invited myself here for this." Xander replied with a grin.

Frowning slightly, Giles remained silent, Xander's words playing on his mind.

He was almost lost in thought when he was brought back to attention by the hot mouth covering his hard cock. "Xander..." He went to say, but was cut off by the effects of the amateur blowjob.

His fist clenched in elation as Xander took him deeper, his tongue sliding against the underside of his cock. "Xander."

With a grunt of pleasure, he came, breathing hard.

*****
19th August 2007
*****

"How is everyone?" Giles asked as he sat down, hot drink in his hand.

er ter took his own and looked awkwardly at Giles. "Things have changed. A lot. I mean, ten years...it's a long time."

"Buffy...I assume she's..." Giles said, looking down.

"Alive." Xander answered. At Giles' surprised look, he continued. "She died. Twice actually. Almost three technically. But she's alive and well now."

Relieved, Giles nodded. "And Willow?"

"Good. She's not the same either. As before I mean. She got into magic a while back. She got addicted and tried to end the world. Nrettretty. But she's okay now. She worked with a coven for a while, learning how to use her magic."

"Oh my...that's...I don't understand it. This is the same Willow we're talking about? She was so..."

"Tell me about it." Xander said. "It wasn't the best experience."

"How's Angel?" Giles asked.

"Angel?" Xander laughed. "Haven't heard his name in a long time. He left Sunnydale after a while. Him and Buffy broke up. Last I heard he was in LA with Cordelia and Wesley...he was Buffy's second watcher...or third...technically forth...anyway, they're all in LA fighting evil, I think."

Eyes wide, Giles tried to take it all in. "I'm sure the story's long, but I'd love to hear everything, from start to finish."

Xander grinned. "I thought you might."

*****
21st May 1997
*****

Giles found himself sitting alone for the thousandth time, thinking of Xander and the inevitable mistakes he would make. Only now he'd made them.

He wondered bitterly how he planned to break this off with Xander, when all the boy had to do was look at him and he lost all ability to argue. Each moment spent in his arms, drove Giles deeper into something that would eventually ruin them both.

And all this for sex?

//"I didn't invite you here...for this..."//

//"No, I invited myself here for this."//

Was it all just about the sex for Xander? Because the incredible speed to which this had all happened told Giles it just might be. That Xander had been waiting for this and only this. Not him.

When Xander had first blurted out his confession, Giles' world had spun out of control, throwing doubt upon his world of peace and order. He was falling for Xander, but at the same time, he believed it was mutual. Now to find out his mistakes and sacrifices were just for sex, he felt a pain in his chest that seemed only to tighten with each passing thought.

He couldn't understand why Xander wanted to go so fast. This was no relationship, it was a fumble in the office of the library and that was not Giles' style.

But to tell Xander he wanted more than sex...that wasn't his style either.

And so he sat there, for the thousandth time, thinking of Xander and the inevitable mistakes they would make.

*****
25th May 1997
*****

"Giles, have you been avoiding me?" Xander asked, over the phone that night.

"What?" Giles asked. "No, of course not."

"You're never in the libraren Ien I try and find you, the only time you speak to Buffy is when I'm not around. You are." Xander said, with a hurt voice.

"Xander, please try and understand..."

"It's because of what I did, isn't it?" Xander accused. "I'm going to fast..."

"No...well, yes, there is that, but it's not because of anything you've done." Giles promised. "It's just..."

"I'm too young, you could lose your job, we're going to fast and it's *wrong*." Xander listed. "Can I come over tonight?"

Hesitating, Giles sighed.

"To talk, Giles." Xander said.

"Very well. To talk." Giles answered. "I'll expect you in half an hour?"

"Actually, I'm right outside." Xander said. "So, maybe less."

Smiling unintentionally, Giles put the phone down and answered the door. Xander stood there, soaked by the evening rain, mobile phone in hand and grinned. "Can I come in?"

*****

"Xander, you're soaked." Giles commented, stepping back to let the boy in.

Water dripping everywhere, Xander walked inside, shivering. "I noticed."

"Why didn't you wear a coat?" Giles asked.

"It wasn't raining when I came out." Xander explained.

"But it's been raining for hours."

"I know." Xander replied, sheepishly.

"I'll go and fetch you some clothes, you'll catch a cold in those. I don't really own anything in your taste." Giles said, as he walked up the stairs. "I don't think anybody does."

"Hey, my taste in clothes happens to be very...nou."ou." Xander finished with a grin.

Once Giles had slipped out of sight, Xander began to undo his shirt.

"Perhaps you should take a hot..." As Giles stepped off the stair case, clothes in hand, he stopped dead in his tracks, staring at Xander. "...Shower."

"Sounds good to me." Xander replied, walking over to the blushing man and taking the clothes. "I'll be right back."

He went into the bathroom to take a shower while Giles tried to get the image of Xander's drig weg wet chest from his head.

*****

Xander stood in the hallway from the bathroom to the living room and smiled awkwardly at Giles. He was dressed in a slightly oversized sweater and pants, his hair still wet from the shower. "Thanks for that."

Giles looked up from his paper. "It was hardly any trouble. I made you some tea."

"I don't drink tea." Xander replied.

"You'll like this. It's proper English tea. Not the American stuff you'll have tried." Giles smiled.

Xander sat down on the couch and sipped the tea, finding it was indeed better. "I think I have a cold."

"I wouldn't be surprised." Giles commented. "How long were you out there?"

"I don't know...two, maybe three hours." Xander admitted.

"Oh, Xander. You should have knocked on the door." Giles chastised. "And where did you get a mobile phone from. A little young for one of those, aren't you?"

"It's my uncles. I swiped it while he was passed out on my parents couch." Xander explained.

"I see." Giles said, grimly.

"I wanted to come and see you, but I thought maybe you were ignoring me." Xander muttered.

"No...no, I'm not, things have just been...awkward." Giles said, softly.

"I know, I know." Xander agreed. "I guess maybe we went too fast. And it's my fault..."

"No..."

"It is. I'd just been waiting so long that when it came, I just wanted more. I didn't even ask you what you wanted and now you hate me." Xander said, looking down at his fidgeting hands.

"I do *not* hate you." Giles said, adamantly. "You know how I feel about you. If I explain why, I'll only be repeating myself."

"I understand." Xander nodded. "So...we shouldn't. Ever again. Right?"

Finally having Xander sayihe she same thing as him should have been a perfect moment. Should have been. Feeling the strongest urge to tell Xander how he really felt, Giles stood and walked into the kitchen, not trusting himself to talk when all he could think about was kissing the boy.

A worried look crossing his face, Xander followed him in. "That is what you want isn't it?"

Giles simply nodded, not willing to look him in the eye just to see the disappointment there.

"We should forget it ever happened. We'll carry on as normal, you not avoiding me, me not attacking you in your office..."

Giles laughed.

"But thank you. For everything. Even if it was wrong, it felt right to me." Xander said. "I'll bring your clothes to school tomorrow. And I'll see you then. Goodbye Giles."

Giles said nothing at first, until the door opened. Striding out of the kitchen, he stood there watching Xander leave. "Wait..."

Xander froze, turning round to look Giles.

"...You, uh, better take an umbrella. You'll just get soaked again."

Sighing, Xander forced a smile. "Thanks."

Borrowing Giles' discarded umbrella beside the door, he left, carrying his own clothes under his arm.

The moment the door closed, Giles felt like crawling up in bed and never coming out again. The things this boy was doing to him...he felt sure that he'd never be able to last, having to see Xander almost everyday, knowing what they'd had...and what they could have...

Grabbing the nearest bottle of hard liquor, he stormed off upstairs to drink himself to sleep.