Need

The story starts right after chosen. And has spoilers for season 7 of Buffy season 5 of Angel, Then about 6 months after, It does reference the past relationship between Buffy and Spike., mild spoilers for season 7. B/S of course, cause what else do I write.


Obviously I own nothing, I just like to play with them, ALOT! Joss is KING of the Buffverse.

Please let me know if you like it and would like more. This is my first attempt at first person story telling, I hope I do alright, It may not stay this way.

+~+~+~ indicates flashbacks
+++ indicates dreams.
Need

I couldn't believe that I held myself togethI diI didn't freak when they asked me what was next or when they asked how it felt not to be the only one.

I didn't freak when we got to Angel's. I didn't freak when he said he was sorry about Spike. I wanted to scream and hit him. But I didn't think I'd be able to stop if I did. I just hugged him back and stayed silent.

I waited until I was alone. I lay down on my bed. The bed Angel provided for me, and I thought about him. Spike. He didn't believe me. I don't know how long I lay there face down in the pillow, cg ang and thinking.

I was so...lost doesn't even describe it. I felt like my mind wanted to shut off. I was so hurt and lonely.

Spike. He loved me wholly, the man and the demon. I'll never forget when I realized I did love him, and that truly, his whole being wanted to love and protect me.

+~+~+
' As daft a notion as "Soulful Spike the Killer" is, it is nothing compared to the idea that another girl could mean anything to me. This chip, they did to me. I couldn't help it. But the soul, I got on my own... for you.'

I know. ' I replied quietly

So, yeah. I go and pass the time... with someone. But that's all it is, is time, 'cause, God help me Buffy, it's still all about you.'
~~~`

'What? What is it? Spike!' I remember asking the question as he stood there mesmerized. I was surprised when he vamped and turned towards me, not scared just surprised.

Then he lunged at me. I felt the sting of the blade on my shoulder. I remember saying 'What are you doing?'

We fought a little and I tried to convince him to stop. 'Spike, listen to me, you don't want to do this.'

I looked around as vampires started rising from the floor. I kicked Spike hard and he went flying. 'Oh, God!'

I glanced over to where he was, he looked like he was listening to someone. ```You know what I want you to do. Take her, taste her, make her weak.```

I continued fighting off the vampire's but there were too many of them, two of them grabbed my arms and were holding me. One of them was leaning towards me, she was going to bite me.

I heard Spike growlw anw and deep, a growl of possession. Possession of me.

'Spike, no!' I remember pleading as he leaned towards me. He looked into my eyes, yellow clashing with green. I didn't want him to bite me. Not here. Not like this. I watched fascinated as he gently licked the blood from where he cut me.

His demon gaze held my eyes, I looked into his soul and I knew.

Spike's demon face melted away and he reeled back as if I had punched him. 'I remember.' He had groaned. He looked horrified. He staggered away, hiding in a corner.

```You failed. Now she's gonna kill you. You lose, mate.```

I quickly dusted the vampire's that were left. And walked over to him. Still holding the wooden handle. He looked up at me and offered me his chest. 'Do it fast, OK? He said you'd do it.' He had tears streaking his perfectly chiseled cheeks.

As if I could. I would never want to. I just had a revelation. I was in love with the vampire before me. The vampire who loved me.

I threw the sharpened wood into the corner, and Spike turned his frightened eyes on me. 'Who said?' I asked him.
+~+~+
~~~~~`

His demon loved me as much, if not more than the man. These thoughts are bringing on a fresh wave of pain. And I see the sun is about to make an appearance. I'm gonna close my eyes now. I know I'll see him there. In my dreams.
~~~~~`

+++ I stood at the bottom of the stairs.

"He's kind of, um ... He's been through a lot ... with the ... death. But I think he's okay. Buffy? Are *you* okay?" Dawn asked. I could see the concern on her face.

"I'm ... what did you do?" I asked ~ Oh god. Pl don don't say you brought him back. He deserves his peace. ~ I felt like I couldn't breathe.

I felt like the happiest woman in the world when he ran down the rest of the stairs and took me in his arms.
~~~~~`

"How long was I gone?" He whispered into my hair.

"Hundred forty-seven days yesterday. Uh ... hundred forty-eight today. 'except today doesn't count, does it? How long was it for you ... where you were?" I asked him, looking into his shining blue eyes. He looked happy as I sat there in his lap.

"Doesn't matter now Luv. You're in my arms. I love you." He replied leaning in to kiss me.
~~~~~`

"Go on, then." He practically growled at me.

"No! No, you’ve done enough! You could still..." I was trying to reason with him. If he would only see that...

"No, you’ve beaten them back. It’s for me to do the cleanup." He wouldn\ook ook me in the eye.

"Buffy, come on!" I heard Faith yell and I turned towards her. I looked bake at Spike, at our entwined fingers and saw themes.mes. It didn't hurt, It was like the flames consumed us, but they couldn't touch us.

" Gotta move, lamb. I think it’s fair to say, school’s out for the bloody summer." He said as the earth started to shake.

"I love you." I whispered just as he looked up into my eyes. "I need you I can't live without you." I felt the tears running down my face, but I didn't care. I just wanted him to come with me.

We pulled him free and ran. It was dark when we got outside and we ran for the bus. The door slammed shut behind us. +++

I awoke with a jolt, tears running down my face. I felt the loss all over again. How can I live without him? How? Please tell me, give me something.
~~~`
~~~~~`

I had a quick shower in the adjoining bathroom. I went downstairs. Angel walked over to me.

"How are you holding up?" He asks. I shrug.

"Can I get you anything?" He tried again. I shook my head.

"Buffy..."

"I'm going to England." I say quietly. I couldn't stay here. I couldn't take it. Angel looking at me like a wounded puppy.

I don't love Angel anymore. Not in that way. He will always be my first love. But right now, I can't stand to look at him. I want to hit him till he breaks. I want to pound him into a bloody pulp. I want to smash and tear and rip at him.

He gave me that damned amulet. He took Spike away from me.

"Why are you going to England?" He asked.

"Too many painful memories." I said softly. I turned and fled, and like the man I know he is Angel stayed out of my way until it was time to say good-bye.
~~~~~`

Every night I dreamed I saved him, dozens of times it seemed, lots of different ways. But it was never right, never good enough to bring him back to me.
~~~~~`


'Hey Buffy, whatcha doing?" Willow asked poking her head into my room.

"Just reading a magazine Will." I replied motioning for her to come in.

"Buffy, I don't know if...listen some things just need to be said ok? I know how you feel about Spike...He...um..." She was nervously twisting her hair around her finger.

"I did love him Will. I'm just kinda still trying to get used to the fact that he's not here anymore." I sighed, trying to keep the tears from falling down my face and betraying my braveness.

"Well...I just wanted to say that if you wanted...Spike died a mystical death...so it might be poss..."

"No." I cut off her words before they were voiced. I want him back so badly. I crave his touch, his words whispered softly into my hair. When I allowed him to. Those lat few nights when he just held me.

I want him back so badly that if she offered this to me I might not be able to refuse. And then I'd be as bad as them cause I'm positive he ended up in heaven. With his soul.

I want him to be happy, after the way I treated him, he deserves to be in heaven. He didn't believe I loved him then, but maybe from heaven he sees that I do, knows it to be true. God I hope so.
~~~~~`

We were all packed up. All fifteen of us. Ready to leave Angel's.

"If you need anything...anything at all Buffy, you just let me know." He said softly. He stood a few feet away. I think he knew that I blamed him.

I need *SPIKE*. I wanted to scream, to cry to make him understand. He wouldn't. "I will Angel. Same goes for you." I said softly. He came over and hugged me.

I heard him inhaling the scent surrounding me.

I closed my eyes and sighed. Spike did that all the time. He would do it casually, thinking I wouldn't notice. "Good bye Angel." I said softly. I turned and walked out the door.

I didn't look back. I really don't think it woulda changed anything if I did. Angel didn't get his mail at the hotel. All of his mail went to Wolfram and Hart.
~~~~~`


"Meanwhile, we do the work...our way, one thing at a time." Angel said ripping the envelope open. "We deal with whatever comes next."

An amulet fell out of the envelope, it was glowing. Mystical energy whirled about, and Spike materialized, reversing the combustion when he burned to ash. He screamed.

"Spike?" Wesley nearly choked on the question.

"Spike." Angel growled.

"Blondie bear?" Harmony squealed happily.
~~~~~`

There was a thick blanket of fog covering the city. It matched my mood. I noticed a club on the next block and decided to stop in for a drink. I haven't had one in a while, and the taste will remind me of his kisses.

There is a band on stage and they're pretty good. I sit down at the bar. I ordered a Jack Daniels. His drink of choice.

There's a girl sitting a couple of stools away. She's smoking, so I ask her for one.

The smoke burns as I inhale it, but that's ok. Not like every piece of me doesn't hurt and ache. I want him to be here with me, so these little things that taste like him are small comforts. I miss him so much.

I smell the familiar scent of old leather behind me and I spin around so quickly I almost lose my balance.

"Hey pet are you ok?" He asked as he grabbed my elbow to steady me.

I melted. Right there. I could feel the warmth of his skin on mine, I could see the blue of his eyes. He was the same build. Same sharp cheekbones and cocky grin.

They're not as blue as Spike's but they'll do. To satisfy the hunger To be in *his* arms. To satiate the need to be held by *him*. His hair was a little darker but that wouldn't matter in the dark.

He would call me all those nam names while he ~ Made love. ~ Pounded into me.

He was still staring at me waiting for my response. Before I could lose my nerve I stammered "Wanna go somewhere?" I looked up at him and he could see that I wanted something from him.

"Could you hang tough for a few Luv? Then we can be off...I gotta finish my set." He smiled. It was a nice smile. It wasn't Spike's. But I could fool myself for a while.
~~~~~`

It didn't take long for him to finish his set. I watched him on the stage. Leather billowing around hiss, ss, stalking around like he owned the place.

I smiled to myself. He came back over to me and smiled. "You still want to get out of here?" He asked casually.

I only nodded. I didn't trust my voice.

"Where do you want to go Luv?" He asked "I have a hotel suite. It's not far."

"Let's go." I whispered. I grabbed his hand and let him lead me.
~~~~~`

It was a nice room. It had a double bed. I took off my jacket and placed ittly tly on one of the chairs. "I...can we turn out the lights?" I asked suddenly shy.

He kicked off his boots and walked over to the wall. He flicked the switch. I closed my eyes and listened.

He walked over to me and sat down beside me. He leaned in and kissed me softly.

"I'm not looking for a relationship..." I murmured.

"Neither am I luv, doesn't mean we can't enjoy one another right?" He asked. I felt his arms slip around me. "What's your name?" He asked running his fingers through my hair.

"Buffy." I replied. It didn't even occur to me to lie.

It felt good to be held. Good but wrong.

He was too warm. Almost suffocating. But I needed this. I needed to feel loved even if it was a lie.

I could pretend.

He kissed me again and I wrapped my arms around him. I deepened the kiss and let my tongue slip into his mouth. He moaned softly.

Suddenly I couldn't wait to feel him on top of me. I lay back and pulled him over me. He fit almost as well as Spike. He rubbed himself against me and I knew that he was hard, wanting, nee me. me.

He lifted his hips slightly and I undid his pants. He stood to remove them and pull on a condom. I slipped out of my pants and let them fall to the floor.

"You are so beautiful in the moonlight pet." Spike's words. Spike's accent. You don't know how much I wished it was Spike crawling up the bed towards me.

He stood on his knees and pulled off his shirt. He watched as I pulled mine over my head. I quickly removed my bra and threw it on the floor too. He reached for me and his thumbs caressed my nipples.

I gasped in pleasure. I hadn't even touched myself in six months.

I closed my eyes as he thrust into me gently. I rocked my hips up to meet his and felt myself letting my body lead.

We rocked that way for a while and I felt his thrust becoming more urgent. "Oh yeah pet, I'm gomma come for you...gonna come for you kitten...." He whispered in my ear I felt my own orgasm overtaking me at his words.

"." ." I screamed as I felt his release. I could feel myself clenching and unclenching, and rode it out.

He rolled off of me and lay facing me. He opened his arms in invitation. I curled up in his warm embrace and tried to find sleep.
~~~~~`

The cool air was burning my lungs as I ran. I felt like they were going to explode. I damn well knew they wouldn't and as I reached the beginning of my street I slowed to give myself time to cool off.

I reached my place and entered silently. I had a quick shower and toweled off.

I went to the window and looked out into the dusky sky.

Oh Spike. I'm lost. You have ripped through my soul Lost in you, I will never be the same. I had your love. It was here and it was real, but now its gone and your eyes no longer want me and now I can't hold back the dawn and the truth that seems to haunt me. So I'll go to the place where I know you'll be tonight and it will be alright.

I sat by the window for a few minutes watching the sun rise. I climbed into bed and closed my eyes. Again I dreamed of Spike, of saving him.
~~~~~`

TBC...?