Why

Disclaimer: I own nothing. All characters belong to Joss Whedon et al.

A/N: This is the first fanfiction that I ever wrote. It's a short ficlet with Buffy's POV on her relationship with Spike. I wrote this the summer between Seasons 6 and 7. There are no real spoilers. The idea for the hair came from pictures taken of the delectable Mr. Marsters during a convention that summer.

I gently rub the mark that he left, who am I kidding, the bite mark he left. It’s funny in an odd sort of way. When Angel was evil he made a sarcastic remark that Spike always picks up his leftovers…Drusilla, now me. Is that what I am, a leftover???

William has shown me such tenderness and such harshness. He’s tried to kill me on numerous occasions and I him, yet I am drawn to him now. I need him like a plant needs water and sunlight, but I’d never admit that to anyone. He’s the only person that makes me feel alive. God, did I just admit that I think of him as a person, I did. I miss him. I miss Tara. She was the one I trusted with everything and now she’s gone. Now all my friends know. Xander hasn’t looked at me the same way since. I guess the whole Spike/Anya deal kinda left him reeling. But hello he left her standit tht the altar and I told Spike I couldn’t be with him that it was killing me. Then why am I so hurt that he sought solace in another woman’s arms?

I know he loves me…why can’t I love him back. I want him so much it hurts. I trust him. It scares me to death, but I do, I really trust him. After he protected Dawn from Glory I knew, I knew that I could trust him with my life, and more importantly with hers. He has protected us both so many times since then. Why can’t I love him? I know the whole “attempted rape” was his sad attempt to get me to see that I needed him. I know he never would have gone through with it. God, I wish I knew where he was. I wish I could tell him…tell him what, that I want him, that I need him, that I’m not complete without him. Oh my God, I do love him. I’m in love with Spike, William The Bloody, or whatever you want to call him. Oh God I wish Giles and Willow were here. I need guidance here or at least a friendly ear to confide in.

I find Spike in the cemetery all battered and bruised. “What the hell happened to you,” I ask.

“Like you give a bloody damn.”

“I do, I really do,” as I raise my hand to touch his bruised face.

“I’ve been through a lot over these past few months Slayer, and I’m not in the mood for your patronizing me right now”. His tone was very matter of fact.

“But, William, I’ve been looking for you. I’ve been worried sick.” I cried while trying not to look affected by his piercing gaze. He looks frail, much thinner than I remember, and his hair, his hair is darker with just the tips being the normal platinum blonde.

“Yeah, right. I’m sure I’m the most important thing on the Slayer’s mind.”

“Maybe not the most important, William, but definitely right up there. I’ve missed you.” It was only then that I realized we were at my mother’s grave, and he had just laid a beautiful bouquet of white roses there before I had arrived. I just stood there not sure what to say or do.

“How is the l’il bit then?” he asked.

“Dawn, she’s fine. A little confused with all that’s been happening, but overall okay”

“Right then, time to go.” He was gone before I could ask him to stay. Would I have asked him to stay? Am I ready for that?

I went to his crypt, but it was empty. There was nothing there of his. Nothing recent anyway. I went to see Willy, but he said that he hadn’t seen Spike in months. Where do I go from here? It will soon be daylight, so I guess I should go home and start again tomorrow tonight. As I turn my key in the lock the sunrise is reflected brilliantly off the glass in the door.

“Dawn what are you doing up?”

“I couldn’t sleep, first day in a new school and all. You’re getting home k lat late. Tough night?”

“No, not really.”

“Buffy, what’s wrong?”

“It’s nothing…really, it’s nothing.”

“Yeah it is. I can tell. Now fess up, what’s got you all upset?”

I frown and struggle with myself…do I tell her or don’t I?…but then I just blurt it out. “I saw Spike in the cemetery.”

“Spike? Where has he been?”

“I don’t know. He ran off before I could ask him. There’s something definitely off though. There’s something different about him. He blew me off without even fighting with me.”

“You’re worried about him? You care about what’s happening with him. Why? After what he did with Anya, after what he tried to do to you, why?”

“Dawn, I know Spike has issues, but yeah I am worried about him in a weird kind of way. Anya was like comfort food. And with me…I don’t think he really would have gone through with it…it was just Spike being Spike and trying the only way he knew how to force me into seeing him for who he is. Now, enough about Spike. What do you want for breakfast?”

“Nothing, kinda queasy…stomachs all butterflies, you know. You look like crap. You should go get some sleep.”

“Geez thanks. You come right home after school. I want to go over your course lists and stuff.”

“Will do.”

I stretched out on the couch. I hadn’t planned on falling asleep here, but I did because the next thing I knew Dawn was coming in the door screaming. I jumped up, startled. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, absolutely nothing. I got Mr. Kent for homeroom. I got all the courses I wanted, and..get this…Josh Abbott is sitting right next to me for most of my classes. Can you believe it?”

“I’m happy for you. I’ve gotta get a shower and get dressed. We’ll order out tonight to celebrate your good fortune. Whatever you want. You can order while I get cleaned up.”

“Will do”

Oh the hot water pulsating over my body felt so good. I could feel the tension drift away as I lost myself in the sensation. Hmm…what should I wear tonight…TV said it was only going down to 68OF something definitely light and girly is in order. I am a girl after all. I need to feel feminine from time to time. Hmm…I pick out a powder blue tank top and navy mini-skirt, do my hair and make up…throw on some heels to match and look out world.

“Buffy, dinner’s here”

“Coming.” I pop down over the stairs. “I didn’t realize it was so late.”

“Gez look at you…all dressed up and no where to go. Or do you have something planned that I don’t know about.”

“No, no plans. Totally planless. I just needed to feel pretty.”

“I know how that goes…anyway I ordered us some Chinese.”

After eating and going over Dawn’s lists of courses, school supplies, dress codes, etc. It was time to go out to patrol. “Dawn, lock the door behind me, and don’t wait up.”

“Don’t worry so much, Buffy. I’m not a kid anymore.”

“I know, but I just want you to be safe. This part of my life shouldn’t have to touch you. Be careful.”

“I will. Goodnight.”

“Nite, Dawnie.” I head out for the night. I pass through the cemetery…all clear…no vamps or other demons about. I head to the playground, but it’s all quiet there too. What now? Maybe I’ll pass by the schools. Been to all the school grounds still nothing. Maybe I’ll stop into Willy’s for a drink and some info and then head home. I enter the bar…the whole place is hazy with smoke. I sit at the bar and order a beer. I look around the room and who do I see…Spike playing pool with Clem. I try to casually stroll over with my beer…but…“Hey Buffy,” shouts Clem.

“Oh look the Slayer…is pool now a slayable offence?”

“No, Spike, I’m not looking for trouble…just looking to unwind with a nice cold beer and some friendly fun.”

“Alright then, care to play the next game?”

“Sure why not.”

“Right then, 8-ball in the corner pocket.” It was a perfect shot. “My game. All right Slayer, you’re up.”

Spike racked the balls and gave me first shot. As I leaned over the table I looked up at Spike and asked, “Where have you been?”

“I’ve been around, now are you gonna play or just yap all night?”

“What’s with all the hostility? I was just wondering. I’ve been kind of worried you know.”

“Yeah, I’m sure. Shoot all ready.”

“We need to talk.” I leaned in to kiss him, but he pulled back. “What’s the matter with you.”

“Buffy, I love you with all my heart and all my soul, but if I can’t have you, I mean have all of you, your heart, your love, your body, and soul, then I don’t want anything.”

I looked at him puzzled, my speech caught in my throat. Then I spoke, “William, I do love you, mind, body, and soul. I realized it when you left and I couldn’t be near you, when I couldn’t feel you.”

“Buffy, do you know what you’re saying? Do you realize what you’re committing too?”

“I know I love you, and that’s all that matters.”

“Buffy, are you sure?”

“Yes.” We go back to my house. He holds me oh so gently. There is nothing primal about this. He is so soft and tender. He takes my passion to new heights. God I love him. I don’t want to admit it, but I do, I love him.

“William”

“Yes, Pet.”

“I love you, I really, really do.”

He leans over me, “Are you sure Buffy, I mean, really sure. I can’t stand to be rejected again, especially not now.”

I look into his sapphire blue eyes, “Yes, William, I’m sure.”

He kisses me tenderly then starts gently kissing down my neck as he gently caresses my breasts. “You’re sure?” as he ventures down my body with soft warm kisses. His hand slipped inside of my blouse, finding the already erect nipple under my thin bra. Pulling up my shirt, he flicked his tongue across my nipples causing me to quiver with excitement. I could feel how hard he was as he pressed up against me. Taking my hand I began stroking his cock. Wanting to feel his flesh in my hands I ripped his clothes from his body. When his tongue flickered its way over my already engorged clitoris I began to moan uncontrollably as his tongue plunged inside of my pussy. His lips massaged my clitoris as I ground myself against his face. He knew I was close to cumming and pushed his tongue in and out of me even faster. The friction of his lips against my clitoris sent me over the edge, grabbing his head I said, "Oh fuck, I'm cumming, oh God yes." My legs were quivering so bad I could barely stand. Pulling himself up he kissed me and told me how good I tasted. Taking my hand, he pulled me to him. My hair splayed out all around him. Lying down next to him, he stroked my long, silky hair. We began exploring each other's bodies, finding one another's pleasure spots. His cock was hard and throbbing when I reached down and began licking it. I pushed my lips around his cock, almost taking the whole thing in my mouth. My fingers brushed across his already tight balls. He lay there enjoying the pleasure of my mouth sliding up and down his cock. I loved the way his cock felt in my mouth and was looking forward to taking him all the way like he had done for me. I grasped his shaft with one hand and began moving it up his cock in sync with my mouth. My other hand was stroking his balls. He began pushing his cock further into her mouth not wanting her to stop. I didn’t plan on stopping, and began sucking and stroking even faster. Feeling the cum well up inside him…then he exploded in my mouth and was totally taken off balance when I greedily sucked away. His cum shot out into the back of my throat and I savored every drop that spilled from him.

Pulling me to him we lay entwined enjoying the feel of each other. Neither one of us had, had enough of the other yet, in fact, we had just begun.