The Little Things

Title: The little things
Author: Angel Jade
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Slash, language, implied rape and emotional/physical torture implied, character death.
Spoilers: Season seven BtVS, roughly.
Setting: Beginning of season seven-ish.
Pairings: Spike/Xander
Summary: Spike realises he's become reliant on the one person who hurts him the most.
Setting: Some time after the end of season 6. Post-soul and slightly AU.
Feedback: angel-jade@buffyrocks.co.uk
Distribution: If you've had my permission before, you have it now. Anyone else, ask first please.
Disclaimer: I do not own characters or make money from using them.

Blood dripping onto the cold stone floor, breaking through the silence and he just *can't* remember how he got the injury, because all the pain seems to merge into one big memory. All he can remember is Xander. Always Xander, it seems like it always has been and always will be. Can vaguely remember when Xander was no one to him. Just a friend of the slayer, no powers, no personality traits that made him anything more than a lackey in Spike's eyes. But now Xander is Spike's world and some days he thinks he likes it that way and others he really doesn't. Depends on Xander's mood.

There are days when Spike would die just to be beside the one person who can make him feel worthy of existence and there are days when he believes hell would be a better choice. Not even Angelus has made him want and hate so much, and he's sure that at one point, Angelus was his world. And Buffy, and Cecily and Dru...he realises the loves of his life have always hurt him the most. But Xander...Xander wins awards the others couldn't dream of. He knows exactly where to make it hurt to keep Spike there beside him. Makes Spike need more and fear more and even hate himself for not deciding whether he even likes the boy or not.

It wasn't that way at the beginning. Even though he feels as if his whole life has been spent on his knees or against a wall, chained to anything and everything by Xander himself, Spike knows that at some point, he didn't fear Xander. He didn't think much of the boy...only of his ability to make it hurt. But as Spike grew weaker, relying on Xander for everything, Xander only grew stronger. More sadistic. And more worthy of a Master title.

Spike crawls carefully across the floor, revelling as the various bruises press down, causing little waves of pain, too small to make him moan, big enough to make him enjoy them. Hears a voice and wonders why he can hear minor things like blood drops and not Xander's voice. The look on his face must show something of his inability to understand, because Xander gets annoyed and a fist to the jaw shows just how much.

"I asked you a question." Xander spits, angrily.

"I didn't hear..." Spike mutters, his voice lacking any emotion.

"Where are you going?" Xander asks, slowly.

"Away." Spike replies, honestly. Doesn't care too much about repercussions at the moment, because he feels as if he's gone numb again. Doesn't feel anything but the small bruises on his body. Doesn't hear anything but the little noises and doesn't see anything but the shadows in the room. Like a blanket, he feels as if he's covered and his senses caworkwork properly until he's free.

Xanderkes kes his head, in wonder. Can't understand the vampire's behaviour and to be honest, doesn't want to. "Where you going to go, Spike? You think you belong anywhere else but at my feet or hell?"

Spike stops abruptly, but makes no effort to look at Xander or even move. Just stays there, on his hands and knees, trying to think without everything glazing over.

"Come here." Xander says with that deceptively nice tone. The one he saves for his friends and anyone else but Spike. And when Spike does hear it, it usually means trouble.

"Can't." Spike says, wondering why he's not moving. "Need to be away."

"You think you'd last two minutes out there on your own?" Xander asks him, walking closer. "You're nothing without me, we've gone over this a thousand times."

"I'm nothing with you too. Least when I'm on my own, I'm not hurting." Spike whispered.

"Hurt? You remember what you said to me that night in the alley? You couldn't take the pain of what you did, that you needed me to make it stop?" Xander reminded him. "You're a monster. The people you've killed...you tried to rape Buffy, Spike."

"And in return I've let you rape me over and over. When have I paid off my debt?" Spike asked, the mention of Buffy sparking a little emotion in his voice.

"You don't. You don't deserve to be forgiven. Everything you deserve, I give to you, you know that." Xander says, kneeling beside the broken vampire. "You need me to remind you?"

Spike shakes his head, weakly.

"Then stop pretending you're worth all this trouble and get back into bed. I need to go out. And don't make me have to hunt you down again. Last time wasn't pretty; this time won't be much better. Okay?"

Everything about the boy's voice is so soft and caring. Flowers and candy instead of the pain and torment it should be. Spike used to be fooled by it. To an extent, still is.

"I don't mean to make you mad." Spike says, quietly.

"I know, but you do." Xander says, hand running through Spike's unbleached hair. "As long as you're sorry, it's okay."

"I am." Spike says, suddenly finding that all he wants is for Xander to forgive him. The little things matter now. With everything, it's the little things. He can always work on the big things later, but right now, he needs to please Xander. It's a small step and one he's almost certain he can make.

"Good boy."

He knows where it comes from. Sees a glimpse of Angelus in Xander and knows he has issues from the past that have never quite gone away.

Trying to get to his feet, his eyes dart around the hazy room and locate the bed shaped object. Staggering over, he hears the door shut softly and knows Xander's gone. Hates to be alone, but is happy at the same time. Doesn't have to pretend to be alive when he's alone. Small mercies.

And if he honestly believed he deserved mercy, he'd probably have run far away by now. He might not be able to hurt anyone but himself anymore, but he knew he could run. And he knew Xander would follow. Because as pain obsessed...and Xander obsessed...as he was, he knew Xander was right there with him, finding sheer pleasure in causing pain. Xander was as lost as he was. And as much as Spike hated it, he was glad he wasn't alone.

And when Xander got back, he'd be sure to show him that.

*****

"Spike!" Xander calls, before he's even through the door.

The vampire perks up from where he's sat on the bed.

"Get over here." Xander says, dismissively. "I brought you something."

Spike moves off the bed, hating the moments before and after the pain because they're just fake and meaningless to him. Only Xander's humanity demands it. Spike's humanity only needs the pain. That's all he's ever going to need.

He's kneeling before the human, waiting for whatever it is Xander has planned. Doesn't care as long as he can forget that nagging pain in his head.

Xander smirks as he pulls out a partially open brown package and from it, pulls a long length of leather. Spike's eyes go to widen, but he catches himself and looks down.

"I'm only doing this because you deserve it, Spike. You asked me for it, now you're going to get it." Xander assures him.

Spike nods, he accepted his fate a long time ago.

"But first, you have to greet me properly. Don't tell me you've forgotten already?" Xander teases.

"No." Spike says simply, his hands reaching forward as they have done a thousand times before. Xander looks ahead, up...anywhere but at the vampire handling his cock. As much as he likes to hurt Spike, he can't look at who it is pleasuring him. He's afraid to admit what he's actually become.

Spike gently eases Xander to an erection before wrapping his lips around the tip of his cock. Moving down the length, he hears the moan of encouragement from above and it urges him on. At least he can do something right.

"You make a great whore." Xander says, his hands tangling inside Spike's messy hair and following his head as it moves up and down the shaft, getting deeper and deeper each time.

"Take it all in." Xander orders, loving the feel of Spike's warm mouth encasing his whole cock at once. He groans as Spike obeys and comes soon after.

Spike pulls away, his face emotionless while Xander rearranges his clothing. "Stand and place your hands on the bed post, legs apart. I wanna test this baby out."
ing ing reluctantly, Spike stands and obeys. He doesn't want this. Doesn't want it at all because his demon resents that *Xander Harris* can hurt him. Doesn't *want* it but needs it. Can't stand to think of what he's done. At least this way he's not the bad guy. Always was the one to take the easy way out.

"Pay attention Spike. Remember why you deserve this." Xander sneers.

Spike unintentionally frowns. He's glad Xander can't see him right now, because he doesn't want Xander to know how much it gets to him. He's there to escape his past, not to be berated about it.

The first blow causes him to cry out in shock. He knows Xander's no expert, but the boy can still wield a whip with painful consequences.

*****

Fourteen lashes later and Spike's ready to pass out. He hurts so badly and Xander just won't stop. He knows he deserves it all but he can't help but want to be free from the situation he's in.

"Stop, please." Spike whispers, his hands clutching the bedposts so tight he's afraid he'll crush them.

"Stop? Did you ever stop when your victims begged? You liked hurting people, Spike. And now you like being hurt. It's a sad and pathetic way to end up, but you deserve it."

"I don't..." Spike said, before he could stop himself.

Xander laughed. "You're a murderer, a demon, a monster...you're fucking evil. You tried to rape Buffy..."

"Stop..."

"You would have ripped us all apart if you'd got the chip out. Imagine doing that to Dawn. Can you see her face?"

"Stop it!"

"Can you see her face?!" Xander demands. "You could have done that to her. You're nothing. You're disgusting and you deserve everything I give to you."

"Shut up!" Spike begged.

"It's only a matter of time before you kill again. You're a monster. No one will ever love you. People can't love a murderer. People can't love monsters." Xander hisses, raising the whip to strike again.

Spinning round, Spike grabs the arm mid air and twists it painfully, screaming in anger as tears roll down his cheeks. "I'm not a monster, I'm not a monster, I'm not a monster."

Spike and Xander crash down onto the floor, the vampire easily over powering the human while fists crash into the delicate bones below.

"Spike!" Xander begs, but nothing gets through to Spike. He only sees his demon below him. Wants to beat it until it dies. Wants it to die and take it's bloody past with it. Spike wants to be free and he can't be until the demon inside has gone.

When the cries of pain no longer fill the room, Spike stops, his anger extinguishing quickly. He barely realises he's in pain, because he's finally seeing straight. And below him isn't the demon he blames for everything. Below him is Xander.

And Xander's not moving.

Xander's not breathing.

*****

Sobbing, Spike holds the body in his arms, cradling it like a child. The clothes hang from the bloodied human and dirt covers the bare patches of skin. And Spike just knows it isn't right. Xander is never dirty. Xander keeps clean...it isn't right for him to be dirty. He stops crying just long enough to move Xander's limp head from his lap and get up. His arms hook under the armpits and he begins to drag Xander across the room, towards the little bathroom.

Once inside, Spike runs the hot water in full blast and undresses Xander carefully. Lifting the human again, Xander is guided into the bathtub of scolding water. Spike follows, sitting behind Xander as Xander had often done with him. His arms wrap round the cold chest and hold him up as they sit there together in silence.

Tears still running down his dirty cheeks, Spike starts to wash away the dirt on Xander's body. The dirt...and the blood.

He begins crying louder, his hands scrubbing with great effort because he just *has* to get Xander clean.

"God, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Spike cries as he rocks him and Xander back and forth. "I didn't mean to, I'll be better, just say it's okay."

But for once, Xander doesn't reply. Just stares forward with that glazed look in his eyes.

And Spike cries.


The End