Epitaph

I thought about coming during the daylight hours, when the California sun would be bright and the sky would be a cloudless blue. You know, a fine, pretty day to remember a being with sun-bright hair and sky-blue eyes. But day just wasn't a Spike thing. He was something from the night, and so I chose that time to come. This was, after all, for Spike. Not for what I wanted to think of him as, but what he really was.

He was so much.

The crater that was once my home was still as death. As it should be. Sunnydale had been nothing but death waiting to happen, and it had finally come. The dust had settled in the month since that last night. Animals were starting to creep back to the edge of the crater. You'd never know that there had once been a town here, except that the highway just suddenly ended, crumbling down the steep banks of the hole.

I sat on the road, gazing down into the dark. I could hear the wind moving around me, the scattered calls of birds and insects. Grass blade brushing against grass blade.

"I'm sorry."

How useless is that? It's all I can say. I tried, at the end, to give Spike what he wanted, but even with him standing there, burning in the purifying light and dying, he wouldn't accept the comforting lie. I didn't love him, not like that. He knew it.

"I love you." Just three little words. They were so easy to say. I could give him that, I thought.

He...smiled. It meant something to him that I'd made the effort. "No, you don't," he said gently. "But thanks for saying it."

The ground rolled under our feet. Everything was collapsing in on us. Spike pushed me away. "It's your world up there. Now *go*!"

I went.

Just a word of advice - don't lie to vampires. They can smell it on you.

But I did love him...in a way. A guilty, I-shouldn't-feel-this way. I had way too much guilt where Spike was concerned.

Spike. William the Bloody. Favored Childe of Angelus - Angel. The man I chose to die.

That's right. My choice. I couldn't hide from that. I'd had to make a lot of choices this last year. Okay, these last seven years, but especially this last one. People had died from them, and I'd known when I was giving my orders that it would happen. The hardest choice had been between Angel and Spike. God help me, I just couldn't lose Angel. We could probably never be together, and I knew that. I had accepted that long ago. But...I couldn't live if he weren't in the world, somewhere, too. Spike...knew. He spared me from having to admit it to him.

"Where's the trinket?" Spike had been so casual about it. Like we were talking about the lost dog in the paper. It had thrown me off.

"The who-ket?"

"The pretty necklace your sweety-bear gave you. The one with all the power." He'd looked at me then, still calm. "I believe it's mine now."

I wasn't quite ready for this. "How do you figure?"

The look he'd given me was, to borrow a Giles word, chiding. The 'grow up, pet' look. "Someone with a soul, but more than human... Angel meant to wear it, that means I'm the qualified party."

Two vampires in all the world have souls. What's the chance they'd both be mine? And that I'd have to choose between them. But I'd already chosen, hadn't I? It's volatile. We don't know - "

"You need someone strong to bear it then. You were planning on giving it to Andrew?" His sarcasm lacked the usual bite.

And he wasn't going to let me get away with delaying, either. "Angel said...this amulet is meant to be worn by a champion." I saw that flash of hurt in his eyes, the way he seemed to flinch. I didn't doubt him; I just wasn't ready to risk him. But I had to. I just couldn't say it, so I just...held the gaudy thing out to him.

"Been called a lot of things in my time," he said softly, taking it from my hand.

I rushed in, my words falling all over themselves, hurrying to make sure he knew what I couldn't say. "I want you to be careful."

"You're talking to the wrong guy, luv." That familiar smirk flitted across his face, fading quickly as his fingers drifted over the amulet. "This is powerful."

If only we'd known how powerful. Would it have changed anything? I guess not. There really wasn't a choice, after I sent Angel away.

No, I'm not wallowing in pity-me-playtime. It's a fact. I'm trying to accept it. I would do it again. I'm trying to leave all that kiddy self-pity stuff behind. It's about time, isn't it? I think I've finally learned, it's not all about me anymore. And that, too, was my choice. Will any of them thank me for what I've done to them?

I don't know what it was about Spike, but I could never bring myself to stake him. Even in the beginning, there was just something.... The Big Bad, the vampire who wasn't afraid of me, who didn't treat me with the caution that the other vamps did. He saw me, acknowledged me, respected my power - but didn't fear what that power could do to him. Why should he? He'd killed two Slayers already in his time. I remember the first time I'd seen him....

"Fe fi fo fum. I smell the blood of a nice, ripe girl." His back had been to me as I came into the room. I was scared, but not for myself. My mom was in the building, surrounded by vampires. I had to get her out, get her home safe, and no one was going to stop me. Especially not some punked up vamp with bleached hair cemented to his head.

He turned to face me and I catalogued his appearance with the coolness of any teenage girl with a sense of fashion. He was Angel's opposite in everything except danger and power. Light to Angel's dark, slender to Angel's bulk, but he was just as beautiful. And he was going to die.

"Do we have weapons for this?" I asked him, knowing that my 'can we get this over with?' attitude tended to throw the bad guys off balance. Size doesn't always count, and they forget that.

It didn't throw Spike. "I just like 'em. Makes me feel all manly." We eyed each other, then we both dropped our weapons. "The last Slayer I killed, she begged for her life," he continued casually. He looked me over and smirked. "I don't see you as the begging kind."

My mom was there. Did I mention that? My mom was in the school and in danger. I wanted this done; I didn't want to play. "You shouldn't have come here."

"Yeah, I messed up your doilies and stuff. But I just got so bored!" He was laughing at me, I could tell. It took all the training Giles had given me to keep from reacting to that. "Tell you what," Spike had gone on, like he was offering me some great deal on a new pair of shoes, a two for one special. "As a personal favor from me to you, I'll make it quick. It won't hurt a bit."

Arrogant much? He had more arrogance than Angel has broodiness. "Wrong," I told him evenly, forcing my voice not to shake. "It's gonna hurt a lot."

He almost got me that night, too. He was smarter than any of the other vamps I'd staked before. He knew how to use what was around him. I was down and he was closing in...and then my mom saved me.

"You get the hell away from my daughter!"

Can you believe it? She had no idea what I was, what I could do. All she knew was that I was her daughter and this monster was about to get me. Go, mom! By the time I got over that surprise and looked for Spike, he was gone.

That was just the first of our inconclusive battles, but it was the only one where I didn't know exactly who he was. The next day, Xander told me about the little chat between Angel and Spike, and I started wondering why Angel hadn't simply killed Spike when he'd been so close. Angel could have done it at any time, but didn't.

Thing is, all the times Spike and I fought, neither one of us could really best the other. After I found out that Angel was his Sire - I admit, I didn't try hard to kill him. I somehow knew it would hurt Angel, and that's not something I would ever willingly do. In the beginning, that's all that mattered to me. Fortunately, Spike didn't stick around long, so I didn't have to worry about facing the reasons behind my choice, or having Giles guess.

When he came back, it wasn't long before the Initiative got him. I was glad to have him chipped. It gave me all the excuse I needed not to stake him, despite all my threats. I had to pretend, you know? Me Vampire Slayer. It's in the job description, and just because he was Angel's Childe wasn't reason enough for me not to do my job. But a defenseless vampire - hey, even I could see the uses he'd have.

I still can't believe he actually came to us for help. Thanksgiving Day; I was determined to have a normal one. Turkey, stuffing, sweet potatoes - all the trimmings, even if there was some Native American ghost trying to kill us. I wanted my Thanksgiving. I wanted something *normal* in my life, for just one day.

Slayers don't do normal, as I was reminded when I answered Giles' door.

"Help me..."

I didn't realize it was him at first, and that almost killed him. Spike looked like ... he looked bad. He had to have been bad, to risk walking around in daylight with only a blanket to protect him. Me shoving him out of the shade wasn't doing much for his complexion.

"What part of 'help me' did you not understand?" he demanded indignantly, safely in the shade again.

Okay, I was confused. Why wouldn't I be? We go from kinda-sorta trying to kill each other on sight to helping each other? "The part where I help you." What? He wanted me to pick out his walking meals now?

He had no patience for my confusion, and wasn't quick with explaining. I guess that big bright ball in the sky was a little distracting for the light-allergic. "Come on! I'm parboiling out here!"

I could feel Giles moving up behind me and I knew what was expected. I stuck my hand out, feeling the smooth wood of a stake as Giles handed it to me. "You want me to make it quicker?"

"Invite me in!"

By now, I was convinced Spike was either possessed or insane, and I was wondering if that made him more or less dangerous. Giles dry voice answered Spike's demand before I could.

"Fairly unlikely."

"Dammit! Look, I'm safe. I can't bite anyone!" Spike peered past me, his eyes widening. "Willow! Tell them what I did."

"You said you were gonna kill me and then kill Buffy."

"Yes, bad," Spike brushed that aside as unimportant. Only a vampire, huh? "But let's skip that part and get to the part where I couldn't bite you!"

I glanced at Willow and she was nodding calmly. "It's true. He had trouble performing."

I almost laughed. Spike scowled. "Yeah, well, it looks like they've done me good."

I still wasn't clear exactly what was going on, and neither was Giles. That made me feel better, at least. "What are you saying?" my Watcher asked, peering at Spike in his 'researcher' mode.

"I'm saying," the vampire snapped impatiently, "Spike had a little trip to the vet and now he doesn't chase the other puppies anymore. I can't bite anything. I can't even hit people."

Now I was getting it. And getting an idea. A harmless Spike was a Spike I didn't have to stake! But I couldn't let Giles know how relieved I was. "So you haven't murdered anybody lately. Let's be best pals!"

Okay, so Spike didn't appreciate my humor. He was a little roasted around the edges. "I got information. About those soldier boys you were fighting. I got the inside scoop."

There is a God, and he was smiling on me. At least for these few minutes. A harmless Spike with needed information. I could probably keep him from getting staked for a while with that, at least until something else could be figured out. I looked at Giles and he looked at me. I knew what my Watcher was thinking, but I'm pretty sure he didn't know what I was thinking.

"Come on," Spike said, edging closer to the door. "What have you got to be afraid of?"

And so it began, Spike's reformation from the Scourge of Europe to the Champion that saved the world.

Not that Spike made it easy, with his sarcasm and taunts and plots to kill us any way he could. Big Bad, remember? He was just doing as he was supposed to. In the end, he helped us, didn't he? See, Spike didn't really want to kill me, either. Angel wouldn't have liked it. Spike and Angel might have that hate-hate thing going on, but they have a twisted love-love thing, too. Sire and Childe, remember?

Had. Past. Over. Done. Finished.

Dead.

Angel hadn't said much when we stopped in Los Angeles and told him. He just looked at me, and his eyes were darker, a new guilt added to the weight he already carried. I couldn't tell him about this with just a phone call, and we needed someplace to rest safely before we decided where to go. Angel had avoided us those few days while we were in LA. I think he was mourning for his Childe, and I left him to it. I've learned that there are some things I don't have the right to interfere with.

I took the Scoobies to Cleveland after we were healed up enough and Robin could move. Angel has contacts everywhere; he told us about a mansion that, with a little work, could be made habitable. It was just what Xander needed, and Willow, too. He's fixing the place up, and Willow is tackling the garden. Robin, Giles, and I are starting to get the new Slayers organized and trained. No more potentials; they're all Slayers. Guess that means I'm allowed vacation days and sick time now.

But I needed this. I needed to come make peace with Spike. Oh, I knew it wouldn't do him any good. He was dead. But I needed

I was so wrong. I used him, even if I didn't know it at the time. You know, didn't do anything intentionally. Didn't sit and think, "If I do this, then he'll do that." No preplanning. It was subconscious. Looking back, I can see that. At the time, I couldn't. That's not an excuse.

After Willow brought me back, life was...flat. Empty. Colorless. Cold. I didn't want to be alive. I'd done my turn. I'd slayed for my appointed years, and like all Slayers, it had been my time to die. I'd lived as long as any Slayer, it was time for someone else to take up the job. I could rest.

God, that night when I woke up in my coffin...I still have nightmares. From safety and warmth and comfort - peace - to a night lit with the fires of hell. Confused much? Oh, yeah.

And I couldn't feel. Anything. Oh, my hands could touch, but I couldn't *feel* anything beyond the loss. No one understood. They all thought they'd saved me, that I should be happy to be back. They were so proud of themselves, and so happy. How could I ruin that for them? How could I tell them exactly what they'd taken away from me? They couldn't fix it now and it would only hurt them. I didn't want to hurt them.

But Spike...he seemed to understand. He still thought I'd been suffering in a hell dimension, but he seemed to understand that the gang had been wrong to bring me back. And he...he made me feel. Right then, feeling something, anything, was better than feeling nothing.

When I couldn't tell anyone else the truth about what had really happened, I could tell him. I just knew that he'd understand. Weird much? I trusted an evil, soulless demon to understand what it meant to lose heaven. Sitting in an alley, cigarette smoke causing a vague burn in the back of my throat, I told him about my time in 'hell.'

"Buffy."

"Spike. It's daylight and you're..." I was kinda surprised to see him there.

"Not on fire?" He shrugged, unconcerned. "Sun's low; shady enough here." I just nodded and sat down beside him when he silently offered space on the crate. "I was gonna go in, but I overheard you and the super-friends sharing a 'special moment' and came over a bit queasy." I remember him blowing out the smoke and tossing the cigarette aside. "Say, aren't you leaving a hole in the middle of some soggy group hug?"

For all his sarcasm, I could tell that Spike wasn't as scornful as he pretended to be. For some reason, he was starting to care. "I wanted a little time alone," I told him quietly, without thinking. Thinking back, I'm seeing I have a tendency to do that a lot. Talking without thinking, that is.

"Oh. Right, then..." He was moving away before I realized it, but the sun didn't let him get far. He turned around and I winced.

"That's okay. I can be alone with you here."

"Thanks ever so." Again, not thinking. Maybe I should have Willow do that zip-lip spell on me.

"Right." I was afraid to say anything else. My brain just wasn't functioning right. Spike must have guessed it.

"Buff? Slayer? You okay?"

He surprised me, and by that time, he shouldn't have been. By then, I should have been prepared for how closely he watched me, how sensitive he was to my moods. "I'm here. I'm good."

He wasn't convinced. I wasn't convinced, either, so it wasn't a surprise that he didn't believe me. Remember what I said? Don't lie to a vampire. They smell it.

"Buffy, if you're in - if you're in pain, or if you need anything... If I can help you..."

"You can't." Definitely need the zip-lip spell here.

He tried for casual, offering shared experience to show he could understand. "Well, I haven't been to a Hell dimension just of late, but I know a thing or two about torment..."

Somehow, I can't quite see Spike playing a victim, at least not before the chip. "I was happy."

I did *not* mean to say that. I didn't! I wasn't going to tell anyone! It just...happened.

After a moment, Spike still didn't know what to say. "I don't..."

Of course he didn't understand. How could he? Evil soulless vampire, remember? "Wherever I ... was... I was happy. At peace. I knew that everyone I cared about was all right. I *knew* it. Time didn't mean anything, nothing had form. But I was still *me*, you know? And I was warm and I was loved. And I was finished. Complete. I don't understand about dimensions or theology or any of... but I think I was in heaven." He only stared at me. I think he understood. "And now I'm not."

"Buffy..."

"I was torn out of there. My friends pulled me out. And everything here is bright and hard and violent. Everything I feel, everything I touch - this is hell. Just getting through the next moment, and the one after that, knowing what I've lost..."

I really hadn't meant to say any of that. I wasn't telling my friends because I didn't want them to feel bad. So why was I telling Spike? Because he hadn't been involved? Because he had no reason to feel guilty? I don't know.

Since I couldn't stop my mouth, I decided to leave. But... I know how Spike can be, when it suits him. So before I walk into the sun, I get a promise. "They can never know. Never." His nod was promise enough.

Well, they didn't know until Sweet came to town. A lot of secrets were shared that day.

"I touch the fire and it freezes me.
I look into it and it's black.
Why can't I feel?
My skin should crack and peel.
I want the fire back..."

My voice carried over the crater and I shivered. That demon - Sweet, Dawn said his name was -- I think now it was a good thing that Xander accidentally summoned him. It brought a lot of things out in the open. It's what convinced me that Spike really did think he loved me. He saved me that night, after the truth came out. Willow's face...I'll never forget it. She looked shattered at what she'd yanked me from.

I pulled my legs to my chest, hugging my arms tight around them as I rested my chin on my knees. The clouds moved, uncovering the full moon as I kept my vigil. Looking back, I knew why things had happened between me and Spike. He made me feel. The one thing that I'd always felt most, felt strongest he called to.

Okay, so here's the great secret of the Slayers. It shouldn't be hard to figure out. We're attracted to violence. We're killers. Why do you think our mentors are called 'Watchers,' huh? Because they watch us to make sure we don't go bad, like Faith did. It would be so easy. That's why potentials are taken from their families young, trained and taught their duty and only their duty.'s 's only partially to prepare them for a life of Slayage. The rest of it is to bind them so tightly in principles and morality and what's 'right' that they don't go on a killing rampage.

We're attracted to violence. We need it, like we need food and drink. I've said it before: our gift is death. It's not a gift we can stop giving.

Angel, Riley, Spike...look at my history. Each of my guys was dangerous, and that was the appeal.

God, it's been ages since I've thought about Riley. It hurts too much to think about him sometimes. If I'd been just a little faster... If I hadn't interrupted Xander quite so much... Funny, caring, sincere, strong - he loved me. He didn't hold anything back, but I did, and I didn't realize it until too late. I didn't understand until too late what he needed from me. I think he was my one chance at a normal relationship. Would it have worked out in the long run? I don't know.

See, Riley didn't look dangerous all the time. I was always safe with him, I knew that. I could feel the strength in him, the leashed killer ready to go after a hostile. He wasn't quite dangerous enough, though. He couldn't give me the edge that I craved.

Spike did, especially after we found out that his chip didn't work on me. He always knew the buttons to push for a reaction, too. Until that night, I'd been resisting, knowing the attraction I had for him was wrong. But that night...

"Slayer."

"And so my night is now complete." I was tired. I was really tired. I just didn't want to deal with Spike and all those things I was trying to ignore.

"You never showed." And he really thought I would, after our last little chat?

"Sorry. Little busy actually doing stuff." Pushing, pushing, pushing for all I was worth.

"You shouldn't be so flip, luv."

"Why, what are you gonna do? Walk behind me to death?"

I should have suspected something when he just got closer to me. "I'm just saying, things might be a little different now. You ought to be careful."

And I didn't clue in here why? I was just tired. "Enough! Enough; move."

"Or what?"

And then I hit him. And he hit me. And he didn't scream in pain. He simply...looked at me, then spoke softly, mocking me.

"Ohh, the pain. The pain...is gone." Everything in me went still. "Guess what I just found out. Looks like I'm not as toothless as you thought, sweetheart."

"How?"

And now he started pushing those buttons, making me *feel*.

"Don't you get it? Don't you see?" He smiled when he said it. "You came back wrong."

And we fought. It was...exciting. It mattered. I *felt* fear, and the rush of life in me. Passion. Spike was making me feel these things, and it was *wrong*. But I felt them and I wanted to *keep* feeling them, and wanted to *stop* feeling them.

"It's a trick. You did something to the chip. It's a trick." I had to believe that. I really, really did. Because if I didn't, then he was right, and I was wrong and that meant that I'd *never* feel anything for anyone that wasn't a monster.

"No trick. It's not me. It's you." He hit me, but...not to really hurt. I could tell. He held back. He was goading me, making me fight him. "It's just you, that's the funny part. You're the one who changed. That's why this doesn't hurt me." He let me back out of range as I tried to process this. "Came back a little less human than you were."

*NO!*

Spike took my attack, dodging some, going with the punches, but kept his feet. He was *allowing* me to use him as a punching bag, until he rushed me and sent me flying.

"See? Doesn't hurt."

Wanna bet? I hit him hard enough to break a normal person's jaw. "See? Yes, it does."

Just in case you didn't know, violence is a turn on for vampires. Vampiric foreplay. I found that out later that night, and was beginning to suspect it after I threw Spike into the dining room. He laughed.

"Oh, poor little lost girl." He swung across the room on the chandalier, kicking at me. "She doesn't fit in anywhere. She has no one to love."

I didn't know why he was doing this. I didn't realize until later that Spike had carefully planned the entire meeting. William the Bloody was never a stupid vamp. Just impetuous.

"Me? I'm lost? Look at you, you idiot." I remember scrambling to my feet, so mad I was shaking. So furious I didn't realize that I was *feeling* something. "Poor Spikey. Can't be a human, can't be a vampire. Where the hell do you fit in?" I struck out at him again, wanting to shut him up, make the words he said be gone. "Your job is to kill the Slayer, but all you do is follow me around, making moon-eyes - "

"I'm in love with you."

He'd said it before and I'd brushed it off. I brushed it off now, too. "You're in love with pain. Admit it. You like me because you enjoy getting beat down. So who's really screwed up?" Even as I said it, I realized...

I was enjoying it, too.

He gave me this look; if he'd been Xander, it would have translated to "Well, DUH!" "Hello! Vampire! I'm supposed to be treading the dark side." He threw me against the wall, the floor, and pinned me there, his face almost touching mine. "What's your excuse?"

*NO!* This was *wrong*!

We fought some more. It was a good fight, really. It was...good to fight against someone I didn't have to hold back on, and who could match me. Sparring with Giles and Xander just wasn't the same. I had to be careful not to hurt them. I didn't have to be careful with Spike. The thrill was slowly growing stronger than the anger.

"I wasn't planning to hurt you. Much," Spike said. That's when I just knew he'd planned all of this.

"You haven't come close to hurting me." Yes, I was challenging him. I wanted more.

"Afraid to give me the chance?" I pinned him to the wall. Spike's voice dropped. "Afraid I'm gonna - "

I shut him up. I didn't want to hear what he'd say next. st wst wanted to feel...

After that night, he was like a drug. I couldn't resist, even if I wanted to. And I did. Want to resist, that is. And I didn't. I tried, at first. And then I didn't try. And then I did...and then, I just...did what I had to do. He loved me, and I didn't love him. I was just using him. And that was wrong.

I could see it as it happened, as he tried to remake himself into something I could love. Spike was like that. Where he loved, he loved completely. He would do, become, anything that I wanted him to be. I tried pushing him away. I called him things, said things to him that should have driven him so far away I'd never see him again. What man, living or dead, would take that? What vampire, especially the Scourge of Europe, would put up with that?

Spike would. Spike, who focused his world and his life around the one he loved. He became everything I needed. The understanding confidante. The trusted second. The passionate lover. The vicious killer.

And the more he became what I wanted him to be, the less I was able to be in love with him. I tried to make it up to him. Having his soul back was just my excuse for having the chip removed. The real reason was that I was, again, trying to push him away. Take away the chip, take away the leash, and he could become the monster he should have been. I could be justified in not loving him.

Poor Spike. First I used him, and then the First did. No one suffered as much as he did this last year. I was so wrong. He was my strength when everyone else started doubting me. He kept me grounded. He kept me going. If he hadn't found me that night, I don't know if I'd have had the strength to go back, to keep fighting.

"There you are."

I knew it was him as soon as I heard footsteps in the house. Sunnydale was all but abandoned now, and no one moved around at night except for the Bringers and the Ubervamps. I watched him come in, seeing the energy of his body and just feeling tired.

"Do you realize I could just walk in here, no invite needed? This town is really theirs now, isn't it?" I didn't answer. I'd failed, I'd been kicked out of my own home. I'd been told I wasn't needed, so it wasn't my job to care anymore. Was it? "I heard. I was over there. That bitch."

Faith. He hadn't been there, he hadn't seen, but he assumed it was all her, because she was a Slayer, too. He was coming to my defense.

"She's all smiles and reformation when you're on your feet. Minute you're down? She's all about the kicking, isn't that right? Makes me want to - "

I couldn't let him keep blaming her. She didn't deserve it. "It wasn't just Faith. It was all of them and it's not like they were all wrong. Now, please...leave."

I might not have a place in the fight anymore, but Spike did. They needed Spike.

But he wouldn't go. "No, this'll change your tune. I came here 'cause I got somethin' to tell you. You're right. You've been right since the beginning."

I just looked at him. Right or wrong didn't matter anymore.

"Caleb is protecting something from you. And I think you were spot on all the way; I think it's in the vineyard." He waited. "So?" All I could think was that he should go tell Faith. "You were right, Buffy."

I shook my head slowly. "I don't feel very right. They blame me for stuff. And honestly? I can't say they're wrong." A lot of stuff *was* my fault. Bad decisions, hasty decisions. General bitchiness. I'd been hard on them, all of them.

"You're not foolin' me," Spike had said softly, kneeling by the bed.

"What do you mean?"

"You're not a quitter."

A quitter? Yes...yes, I was. Right then, all I wanted was to quit. "Oh, watch me."

"Buffy, no. You were their leader and you still are. This isn't something that you gave up; it's something that they took."

It was also something they had given, so wasn't it their right to take it back? I never asked to be their leader. They just...told me I was. "And the difference is?"

"We can take it back."

Funny, isn't it? It's the not-so-evil-anymore vampire who's tried to kill me in many different ways over the years that has the most faith in me. The one who knew all my weaknesses, who could read me better than anyone else could. He believed in me.

Finally, I believed in myself again.. He was right. I wasn't a quitter. He held me all night and by morning, I knew what I had to do. And I did it - *we* did it. We won.

"I wish I could have loved you, Spike," I whisper into the night, knowing he couldn't hear, hoping he knew before the light burned him away. "You deserved to be loved. It's not your fault that I only want what I can't have. I tried to make it up to you, when you came back but...it wasn't enough. I still used you. But, maybe...I helped you, too?"

I needed to believe that. He was so...broken at the start of the year. So confused, having to deal with getting his soul back and all the guilt for everything he'd done. He was a victim, and the First didn't wait at all before playing with his mind. I helped; he got better.

Right?

"Never as much as you helped me," I answered my own thought. "I'm sorry I couldn't see all of you until it was too late. I'm sorry I couldn't accept what you gave me. You deserved better than me, Spike. I'm sorry you'll never have the chance to have it, now. You'll always be a part of me."

Dawn lightened the horizon and I watched as it slowly crept up the sky. As the sun rose behind the trees, I stood up. The morning light flashed on the polished steel plaque, inset in a heavy, short marble column. My fingers traced over the words.

"Rest in Peace
William the Bloody
a.k.a. Spike

Beloved friend, Champion of Light, Savior of the World
You will not be forgotten."

"Good bye, Spike."