Love, Lies and Regrets

TITLE: Love, Lies and Regrets
AUTHOR: Cath
PART: 1/3
PAIRING:Angel-us/Xander
RATING: NC-13
WARNINGS: MC suicide, angst
SPOILERS: Becoming Pt. II Hom Homecoming
DISCLAIMER: I want, but I can't have, they belong to Joss and Mutant
Enemy, damn-it. No money, no infringement, just wanna make them do naughty things for awhile.
FEEDBACK: ladyaiern@yahoo.com Please, my self-esteem is starving!
SUMMARY: Bad things happen after Buffy sends Angel to Hell.
AUTHOR NOTES: Thanks to ~Poison for the terrific Beta job. The story is much better thanks to you.


[[Xander thoughts]]


Xander did what he was supposed to, he got Giles untied and out of the mansion. God, Giles was hurt so bad. Xander helped him out to the street and laid him down against a tree. “Giles, I’m gonna go back and check on Buffy. You’ll be safe right here, I’ll be right back.” He ran back towards the mansion, slipping around the back where he could hear metal hitting metal. He sneaked around the corner, hidden from sight by some bushes. Xander arrived just in time to see Angel look up at Buffy in confusion.

Angel looked up and asked, “What's happening?”

In a reassuring whisper Buffy said, “Shh, don't worry about it. I love you.”

Repeating her words, Angel said “I love you.”

Buffy touched her finger to his lips and whispered, “Close your eyes,” and ran him through with her sword. Angel fell back into the portal that Angelus had opened and it slowly closed up.

Xander crammed his entire fist in to his mouth to keep from screaming. [[I can’t fall apart yet. I have to get Giles to the hospital first and then I can fall apart. Oh God, he’s gone. NO, NO, NO! Oh God, I had to do it, I had to. Oh God, Angel, I had to do it.]] By the time Xander made his way back to where he left Giles, he had wiped the tears from his eyes and had his usual ‘not too bright, I don’t really understand what’s going on’ expression on his face. “Come on, G-man, let’s get you to the hospital.”

Xander left Giles at the hospital, checked on Willow and found Oz lying next to her in the hospital bed. Cordelia must have gone home. Xander wandered away from the hospital and slowly walked towards the mansion. Once he was in the door, he let the tears fall. He crept back towards the bedroom, the room he had spent so much time in. Hek a k a deep breath and could still catch a hint of the smell from last time he was in here with his Angelus, the smell of sex and blood. Xander couldn’t stand it any longer and collapsed on the floor, a quivering, sobbing ball of pain and hurt. His love was gone and it was all his fault, he had lied to Buffy. He knew she wouldn’t be able to finish the job if she knew about the curse but he also knew that she had to finish or the world would be overrun with demons. They would have all died…and the world they knew would end. There was no one he could tell. No one would understand what it had cost him to tell her to ‘kick Angelus’s ass’. He couldn’t stand this feeling; it hurt too much to breathe, to live. He took a deep, steadying breath and was taken over by a deadly calm. Xander didn’t want to live; he didn’t have anything to live for. The boy who looked death in the eye and fought it so many times now wanted death.

Over the next three days, Xander made arrangements. He quietly gave away most of his possessions, not that he had many. He wrote letters to the people who had been closest to him and set about planning how to end his life. Once he decided on the method, he began to plan how he could make sure someone would find his body pretty fast. Xander really didn’t want to lie around rotting for days. On the day he had chosen to do it, he mailed Giles a letter telling him what he had done and where he could be found. He knew Giles would get the letter the next day. The boy laid all the other letters he had written to his friends on the bed, went into the bathroom and ran a tub full of water. Xander stripped and got into the tub, taking the dagger that Angelus had given him, he sliced both of his wrists open and placed them down in the water. [[Suicides didn’t go to heaven, did they? Maybe I could find Angel in hell and beg him to forgive me. Angelus loved me too, but it was Angel that I gave my heart too first.]] The boy began to fell weak and disoriented. [[Please, whoever decides these things, please let me at lesee see my Angel again.]] Xander leaned his head back against the tub and closed his eyes.

Giles watched the two children sitting at his table. Willow had been released from the hospital but her parents were at another one of their ‘important’ conferences and couldn’t be bothered to be here to take care of their child. Giles did not want Willow to be alone so he took her home with him when the hospital released her. It was strange though that Xander had not checked on her since her release. Usually, when Willow was hurt, Xander hovered around her to the point of being aing.ing.

“Are you sure the two of you had enough breakfast? I could always fix more.”

“No, we’re good Giles. I still think I could stay at my house. I can...”

“Willow, I would not feel right if you were staying alone. Now just go rest on the sofa; the do sai said you should take it easy. I’m going to check the mail, maybe Buffy has had a ch to to think about things by now, hopefully we will hear from her soon.” No one had seen Buffy since she sent Angel to hell and they were all worried about her. Giles retrieved his mail from the box and was opening things as he walked back into the apartment. Willow and Oz looked up as he stopped in the middle of the doorway, reading a letter. Giles threw back his head and screamed, an anguished, heart-stopping scream of loss. The pair ran to him as he hit the floor. “Not my boy. God, I can’t lose one of my children like this.” Oz picked up the letter and started to read. He looked at Willow with tears in his eyes.

“Willow, it’s Xander. He’s...he’s...” Willow grabbed the letter from Oz and started to read out loud.

G-man,
I know I’m not supposed to call you that but this will be the last time, I promise. By the time you get this letter, I’ll be gone. Giles, you were the father I should have had, that I would have wanted. You took better care of me than my own ever did and I love you for that.

I can’t live with what I have done, G-man. I never wanted to be the one to disappoint you but this will. I have been involved with Angel for almost two years and not just Angel, Angelus too. He loved me and I love him with all that I am. Angel didn’t cheat on Buffy, he loved me not her. He cheated on me when he slept with her but I forgave him...I love him. Giles, the Council is lying when they say that vamps are soulless demons who can’t love. They can and do love. Spike has lovrusirusilla for a hundred years and it is real love. Angelus loved me I won’t ever doubt that.

I lied to Buffy, I told her Willow said to kick Angelus’ ass, and not that she was trying the curse again. She had to go through with it; you know she did. Acathla was opening I saw it. It was a portal thing opening in the statue’s mouth. There was no choice and I knew she wouldn’t do it if she knew about the curse. I am responsible for sending the only person who has ever truly loved me to hell. I can’t live with it; every second without him is agony. Maybe if Hades is feeling benevolent, he will let me talk to my love and ask his forgiveness. Oh look, a mythology reference and a “Giles” word all in one sentence. Told you I was listening when you lectured.

Don’t go running out to save me, because I am already gone. I am doing it tonight; I just didn’t want to lay here for days, alone. You know I never liked being alone so I want someone to come get me. I am at the last place I was truly happy, the mansion, in the master bathroom. Please don’t let my Willow come with you; I don’t want her to see me like this. In fact, I don’t want you to see me either, call an ambulance, please. I am sorry if you are disappointed in me but I think you can understand my loving Angel. I mean, after all, you loved Et I c I could tell when you talked about him, sometimes you’d get this wistful sound in your voice and you would stare off into space, like you missed him and wished things were different. Please don’t hate me; I couldn’t stand it if you did. I love you; I will always love you, my father...my friend.
Xander


“G...gi...Giles? My Xander...my Xander, he’s gone isn’t he? He’s really gone.” Willow grabbed hold of Giles and collapsed in his arms, sobbing out the pain in her breaking heart. Giles was crying with her, crying for the sweet boy that he had truly loved as a son. Oz left the two and went over to the phone to call the police then came back and joined them on the floor, wrapping his arms around the weeping pair giving comfort with his calm presence.

The next week was a nightmare. At least they didn’t have to go identify him, his father stayed sober long enough to do that. The funeral was a disaster; his father and mother were drunk and started to fight over the grave. They only ones who really seemed to be mourning him were the four that clung together, Giles, Willow, Oz and Joyce, Buffy’s mother. Cordelia’s parents had already taken her away for the summer. They weren’t even allowed time to say goodbye to Xander, there had been no visitation and the coffin had been sealed.

Giles and Oz were worried about Willow; she had started to withdraw into herself and was barely functioning. They tried to be there for her but she was inconsolable. The two men couldn’t really understand how it hurt her to loose Jesse and now Xander. They had been the one constant in her life since Kindergarten; the trio had known everything there was to know about each other. It was like a part of her was gone now, too. But it was the guilt that was really eating away at her. Why didn’t she know about Angel and Xander? If she was his best friend, shouldn’t she have known? Why hadn’t he come to her if he was hurting? Then the anger struck, a pure red rage. Anger at Angel, at Angelus, at Buffy for being so self-centered, then anger at Xander. Anger for leaving her, for not trusting her with what he was going through, for not coming to her for help. The anger seemed to bring her back to herself. She was better after the anger and rejoined Oz and Giles as they worked to keep Sunnydale and the Hellmouth under control until the Slayer chose to return.