Christmas Frost and Fairies

Christmas Frost and Fairies
Author: Pattyanne
snapkik@yahoo.com
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters
and make no profit from the story


Summary: Buffy has an unexpected encounter
in the cemetery that helps her put her life in
perspective. One of my first fics. Takes place
shortly after "Smashed"



Part One...

"Spike...what's done is done. But it
wasistaistake, and it can't happen
again."

Buffy turned on one heel and walked
away. Spike was right behind her
and caught her arm, forcing her to stop.

"It WASN'T a mistake...and it CAN happen
again." His tone was quiet and serious,
but his voice sounded strained, as though
was struggling to hold back an onslaught
of emotion. "If we both want it to."

Buffy shook her head. "But, that's what
I'm trying to tell you. I don't want it to."

**God strike me dead for lying**

"I don't believe you." Spike cupped her
face in his hands, pinning her gaze
with his. "I was right there with you
that night, Buffy. Holding you...touching
you. I heard everything you said to me
as I made love to you. You BEGGED me
not to stop, remember?"

She remembered it all right. Every look,
every caress, every word of love and desire
that he'd whispered in her ear.

It was one of the sweetest memories she
had...and the saddest...knowing it would
never happen again.

The memory of it was all she had...all
she would EVER have.

**I can't think that way. If I do, I'll give
in to him, and I can't let that
happen. I can't go through it again.
I won't survive it**

Gathering up the tattered remnants of
her resolve, she pushed him away.

"Stop it, Spike," she said harshly. "You're
making a fool of yourself."

Surely those words would sting. Now, he'll
fling her away...tell her to go to hell.

Spike did neither of those things.

"Do you really think I care about that?" he
asked. "I've made a fool of myself over you
so many times that I've lost count. I got no
pride where you're concerned. Don't you
know that by now?"

Buffy had no idea how to respond to
such heart breaking words.

"Listen to me," he said urgently. "Hear
what I'm saying! I love you. I love you
more than...come back here..." He caught
her around the waist when she tried to leave.

"Spike...let go of..."

"Please." He cut her off in desperation. "Please
don't turn your back on me, Buffy. I need you."

He looked glassy eyed, and Buffy was afraid
that he was on the verge of breaking down
right there in front of her.

And, oh God...she didn't want to see that
happen. Not to him.

She sighed deeply. The convictions she
had been so sure of were beginning to
fall apart. He looked so sad...so wretched
at the cruel fate she was dishing out.

It had been so easy in the beginning, their
roles in each others lives had been clearly
defined.

He was a vampire, and a particularly vicious
one. She was a slayer, chosen by fate or
whatever, to destroy him. To put a stop to
a career steeped in blood, and gore, and
violence.

She had tried to do it, but had never manged
to pull it off.

Spike was the only demon she'd ever fought
and not been able to kill. Over the past year
or so, she'd begun to wonder if there was
a reason she failed so consistently.

Had someone...somewhere...been guiding
their fates, knowing that someday she was
going to need him?

Why else would he keep returning to Sunny-
dale. He'd gotten clean away more than
once, but he always turned back up.

Oh, he'd had his reasons. "I'm looking for
this...I'm waiting for that...I'm gonna kill
you, Slayer.

Still, it was stupid to keep coming back. Look
where it had landed him.

Spike was no longer the demon he'd once
been. The Initiative had seen to that.

They'd caught him, and caged him, and did
the thing she hadn't been able to do...stopped
him cold.

Modern technology had clipped his wings
with a tiny microchip placed in just the
right area of his cerebral cortex.

After that, their relationship had slipped
into the surreal. They hadn't trusted each
other, they'd argued and fought with and
bitched at each other constantly.

She'd tormented him about his inability
to perform as a vampire, while he'd gotten
even by taunting her about her own inability
to hang on to a man.

The turning point had come when Willow,
in an emotional tailspin over Oz's depar-
ture, had botched up her 'Do My Will' spell.

She had sk Gik Giles blind, sicced an army
of demons on Xander, and betrothed the
slayer to her mortal enemy.

When she found out exactly what she
had done, she broke the spell...broke
it at the very moment when Buffy and
Spike were in the middle of a passionate
kiss and on the road to intercourse.

They had responded the way they were
expecte, wi, with gagging and shudders
of revulsion as they'd rubbed their mouths
to the point of bleeding.

Life had gone on. Buffy's relationship
with Riley had developed, and she'd
been pretty happy for a while.

But, every now and then, without warning,
something would spark a memory of that
short lived engagement, and she would
find herself reviewing it in her mind, moment
by moment.

Because although she'd claimed an
amnesia-like recollection of the exper-
ience, she had been lying through her
teeth. She remembered every second
of it...in excruciating detail.

And, sometimes, she would catch Spike
looking at her in a way that made her
wonder if he remembered it just as clearly.

***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****

"What are you thinking about, Buffy?"

His voice snapped her back to the present.

Looking up at him, she found him smiling in
a way that told her that her silent memories
must be showing in her _expression, making
him think that she was softening.

**Maybe, I should. Just give in...give him
what he wants...and maybe what I want
too**

Their one night together had been incre-
dible. Passionate and intense, and
deeply satisfying on a level she'd never
reached before.

Her memories, fantasies, and the physical
attraction she'd always felt towards him, had
merged and blended with her need to be held,
and kissed, and touched by a man who knew
how to please a woman.

And she HAD been pleased...over and over
and over again. So many times, and in
so many ways, that they had both lost
track of things.

It would be so easy to allow herself to be
drawn back into his embrace. To forget
everything in the world but him.

Spike loved her. It was as simple, and as
complicated, as that.

He had told it to her, shown it to her, proved
it to her, time and time again. In fact, truth
be told, he loved her far more than Riley
ever had. Probably even more than Angel.

Neither of THEM had stayed with her when
the going got rough.

But, Spike had. He had stood beside her
throughout the most terrifyingly hopeless
time of her life. Even in the face of certain
annihilation, he hadn't faltered.

He'd remained on his feet, and helped prop
her up as well.

What had happened to her had not been
his fault, although he had blamed himself
for failing her when she needed him the most.

She knew that if he could have died in her
place...he would have.

After she'd come back, he been just as persist-
ant in his devotion. No matter how many
punches and kicks she landed, how many
nasty and hurtful words she'd flung at him,
he never walked away.

Oh, he'd leave her alone for a few days, but
it never lasted longer than that.

If she turned him down now, would she ever
find another man who could make her feel
the way he did?

Had he been right when he'd told her that
he was the only man here for her?

What other man would understand and accept
the things that happened to her? The experi-
ences she'dn thn through, and the ones still to
come...

But, if she surrendered herself to him, how
long would it last if things changed? What
would happen if that chip in his head mal-
functioned?

He'd already tried to have it removed once. What
if he tried again...and succeeded?

What would become of them?

Would he turn on her with his fangs bared,
forgetting that he loved her? Woul tre treat
it all like a dirty joke...laugh at her stupidity..re-
double his efforts to bag a third slayer...

Return to Drusilla?

Angel had. He'd done all that, and more.

Buffy hadn't forgotten the pain and brutality
he'd inflicted on her and the people she
loved.

She couldn't go through it again with Spike.
Couldn't bear to see a lover turn back into
an enemy, literally before her eyes.

No. Never again. Once was more than
enough.

***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****

"Buffy...please talk to me. Tell me what
you're thinking about so hard...what you're
feeling."

When she didn't reply, Spike placed his
hands on her shoulders and tried to
kiss her.

She turned her face away.

"Please, luv," he said quietly. "Don't make me
beg."

Buffy steeled herself. "Let go of me."

"Buffy, please. Don't do this to us."

"There is no US, Spike! Why can't you get that
through your thick..."

He tightened his hold. "Yes, there bloody well
is! Why can't YOU get it through YOUR thick
head? I love you...and I know...I KNOW...that
you..."

"DON'T feel the same way," she finished his
sentence, finally succeeding in pushing him
away. "Now will you PLEASE just go away and
leave me alone!!"

She turned her back on him, but hadn't gotten
more than ten feet away when his voice rang
out harshly, in a tone that she hadn't heard
from him in years.

"FINE...GO...I'VE HAD ALL OF THIS
I CAN BLOODY WELL STAND!"

He followed after her and grabbed her arm,
spinning her around roughly.

"I'm done with this, Buffy. Done with...with
beating my fists against that stone wall
you've built around your heart."

He released her and pushed her away so
abruptly that she nearly fell backwards
over a grave marker.

"I mean it, Buffy," he said. "You're gonna
get exactly what you want...to be alone. Be-
cause I am through!"

Spike raised his voice, becoming more and
more worked up as months of frustration
came spewing out of him.

"I'm through following you around like a
lost puppy. Through with begging and
pleading, with pacing the floor all night
hoping that the cold hearted BITCH that
I love will feel something...ANYTHING...for
me!"

Buffy couldn't take her eyes off him as
he began to back away from her.

"You...are a stupid little girl. So, you run
along and find yourself an equally stupid
little boy and live happily ever after. As
well as you can."

He turned away from her, then paused. "Oh,
and don't worry about running into me some-
where around town. I'll make sure that never
happens. Christ, will I EVER make sure of
it!"

With those final words, Spike disappeared
into the cemetery, leaving Buffy standing in
open mouthed shock as the cold December
air bit into her like a vampire's kiss...icy and
deep.

***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****

She made her way through the twists and
turns of the path through Sunnydale's
oldest cemetery.

It only took a few minutes to find what
she was looking for, and when she reached
her destination, she sank to her knees on
the neatly trimmed grass.

The frost soaked through her slacks, chilling
her skin. It was unpleasantly cold, but she
remained where she was, gazing with fresh
pain at the words carved in white marble.
Joyce Elizabeth Summers
1958-2000
Beloved Mother

Buffy felt tears sting her eyes. The shock
of seeing it never wore off.

Struggling to maintain her composure, she
swallowed hard.

"Hi, Mom. I know it's been a while since I
came. It's just that I...well, it's hard. Things
are...complicated right now. So...so much
has happened...and I...I just....oh...oh, my
God..."

Her last few words came out on a choked
sob as she lost the control she'd been
clinging to, and burst into tears.

Covering her face with her hands, she cried
so hard that her entire frame was shaking
violently.

"Mommy...Mommy, I miss you...I need you
so much. I...I don't know what I'm doing...I
can't make it work...I'm making so many
mistakes...I just...Dawn is...I don't know
if she's gonna be all right, Mommy...I don't
know how to take care of her..."

Bathed in pain, Buffy flung herself down on
her mother's grave, her fingers digging into
the wet moss.

"Please, Mommy, please...I need you. I'm
frightened...I'm scared all the time...and...and
I want you back...Mommy...I love you...I
love you..."

Her voice trailed off into harsh weeping. Wave
after wave of sadness washed over her, so
strong that they were almost physically painful.

She wanted to scream, to dig, to claw at the
ground until it gave her mother back to her.

But all she the the strength to do was lie
there like a broken doll...her body heat
melting the light coat of frost...and cry.

The cold began to seep through her
clothing and into her bones, making them
ache.

Finally, with a huge effort of sheer will, she
sat up, wiping her wet face on her sleeve.

"It'll be Christmas soon. How are we gonna
do it without you? I can't make Christmas
the way you did...I...I wouldn't know where
to start."

She pushed her messy hair out of her eyes
and away from her damp skin.

"There's so much I needed to talk with you
about...so much I never got to ask you..."

"Ask me now."

Buffy froze, staring at the ground in front of her.

Her common sense told her that she wasn't
hearing properly, that she could not have just
heard her mother's voice.

She was afraid to move, afraid to turn around,
because if she did...and her mother wasn't
there...she would just die.

So, she remained perfectly still, scared
of what she might see, but more scared of
what she might not.

"Buffy, turn around. See with your heart."

Slowly...cautiously...she obeyed. "Mommy?"

Joyce smiled at her, a smile that Buffy had
despaired of ever seeing again.

"There now," she said, holding out her
arms. "That's my good little girl."

Fresh tears traced a shiny path down Buffy's
cheeks. Her mother was standing only a
few feet away, smiling and tifutiful, wearing
a white dress with billowing sleeves and a
hem that touched the ground.

With no more hesitation, no longer caring
that this was probably some demon or another
playing a cruel joke on her, Buffy stumbled
into her mother's embrace.

Arms wrapped tightly around her daughter, Joyce
crooned soothingly, stroking her hair. "It's
all right, darling. Mommy's here."

Buffy clung to her mother, a small child once
again, snuggling into arms that had always
meant securitd und unending love.

"Buffy? Look at me, honey." Joyce took a
step back and cupped Buffy's face in her
hands.

She was surprised by their warmth. The night
air was cold. How could her mother be standing
here, clad in nothing more than a silk dress,
and still be so warm?

"Come and sit with me," Joyce said, taking
Buffy's hand and leading her to a small
bench that she didn't remember being there.

They sat quietly together, with Buffy staying
close to her mother's always comforting
presence.




TBC