The Smell

Author: Been Jammin'
Title: The Smell
Summary: Buffy kills a stinky demon and wackiness ensues.
Rating: Starts out R but degenerates to NC-17 by the end.
Disclaimer: I own nothing and I like to borrow freely.


The demon was slow. Very, very slow. It reacted so slowly that it was still turning the first time when the slayer kicked it in the back for the third time. It even went down in slow motion. The slayer continued to kick it hoping to get it to present a vulnerable spot. It appeared to be made of some rock-like material but it was soft and squishy. It finally rolled onto its side after much encouragement. "I could have killed you ten times over, if you'd have moved a little faster. Now be a good demon and roll onto your back so I can stick this nice sword into some vital spot. That is, if you have a vital spot."

The demon eventually rolled slowly onto its back whereupon the slayer ran the sword into its center. The demon expired immediately and began to spew a greenish spray from every pore on its body covering everthing within twenty feet. The slayer was drenched as the demon sprayed itself away into nothing. The spray, on the other hand, was something else. It smelled really bad. Not just a backed up cesspool on the 4th of July kind of smell. It was more of a gutted dead shark lying in the sun for a week type of smell.

"Thanks a ton fella. You realize that I'm never gonna get this stink out these clothes. I'm gonna have to go home, take shower and change. Even the cheapest perfume I have won't mask this and what few friends I have won't want to be around me."

She arrived home several minutes later and was met by a teary eyed Willow. "What's wrong, Will? Why all the boo-hoo?"

"You can't smell it? What happened to Yo You look like something hosed you down."

"Demon slaying. I ran it through and it sprayed itself all over me."

"Goddess, Buffy, it's you I smell. Don't come in the house with those clothes on. Just get undressed out back and I'll hose you off. Can't you smell yourself?"

"I can smell it just fine. I was just hoping it wasn't as bad as it is."

"Oh, it's that bad. I started smelling something bad about five minutes ago and it just kept getting worse. I was going outside to barf when you walked up. Now strip outside the backdoor while I hook up the hose."

Dawn came bounding down the stairs at this point holding her nose. "Somebody call the Water and Sewer department. Something really evil must have died in the sewer and rotted. Buffy, why are you naked in the back yard?"

"Dawn, go back inside and filled the tub with hot water. Willow, wash this off of me now. I'm not sure how much longer I can live with myself." Buffy let out a scream as the cold water hit her and she scrubbed at herself as best she could. After several minutes Willow turned off the water. "I don't think that helped much. You look like a drownd rat and you smell just as bad as before. What kind of demon was it?"

"I don't know. It's nothing I've ever come up against. It was really slow moving. I was all over it and it could hardly react to my attack. Once it finished falling, I ran it through and it sprayed itself all over me."

"Hmmm, I'll have to do some research. I guess we can let you in the house just don't drip all over everything."

Buffy got in the tub and began to scrub herself from head to toe. While there weren't any stains, the smell didn't wash away. She tried to mask it with the strongest perfume she had and on son some clean clothes.

"Geez, Buffy, you look better than when you got home but I don't think the smell is any better. That perfume just makes you smell like a French outhouse."

"Thanks for the assessment, Will. I'm going outside to burn the stuff I had on. I have a feeling they're not going to be salvagable."

* *******************

Dawn knocked on Buffy's door. "Buffy, can I come in? I've got to talk to you."

"Sure, Dawn. What's the problem?"

"Well, how do I put this? You still smell really bad and I don't think I can get any sleep having to stay in the same house as you. I mean, even the worst smell eventually deadens out after a while and it doesn't seem too bad. But you, do think you could go stay at a motel somewhere? Like east of the Mississippi, maybe."

"It's so nice to know that I'm wanted. Has Willow come up with anything? There's got to be something ill ill this odor. You think you've got it bad? Try having a slayer's sense of smell."

"I don't think so. The good news is all the bugs and vermin on the block have cleared out. On the down side, the neighbors are starting to complain. They haven't figured out its you, yet. The sewer guys have been all through the neighborhood and are swearing it's not anything they can track down. One of them commented that the sewer smells better than what they smell above ground. It's like three days and it's not getting any better."

************************

"Well, Buffy, I found someone who thinks they might know what it was that you slew last week."

"Tell me, Will. Who is it?"

"Spike."

"Oh, joy. He'll probably say that the only way to stop the stink is to have sex with him for a month. I'd rather live with the stink."

"At this point, Buffy, we'd even consider turning you over to him if we thought it would do any good. I mean, you're not smelling any better now than you did last week. He said that he heard word of a new demon that was headed this way at a very slow pace. It hasn't any brains and it's attracted by the Hellmouth. It moves real slow and the only way to kill it without causing a big stink is with fire."

"Now I find out. Did he by any chance have a name for this species of demon?"

"No, he got the discription from a friend of a friend of a friend. He trying to track it down for us. He said he was going to come by and give us the info but your b.o. would gag a maggot."

"The joy just never stops. I finally find a way to keep Spike away and it also makes everyone else run for the hills."

**********************

"Good news, Buffy. Spike called and he found out the name of the demon. It's a glzmhnkl. Very stupid and very slow and easily killed by fire."

"Who comes up with the names for these things? Can't they just call it a sy dey demon or a whatever in plain English?"

"He also found out how to counteract the odor."

"Well, come on tell me. Don't keep me in suspense, tell me."

"I don't know if I should. You're not going to like it."

"Tell me, Willow Rosenberg or you're going to have to live with this stink like the rest of us."

"It involves an intoxicated virgin."

"We don't have to sacrifice her do we?"

"No, nothing like that. It's just....."

"Willow!"

"Youhavetobatheinthefreshurineofadrunkenvirginunderafullmoon."

"What!?"

"You have to get a virgin drunk and then let her pee on you under a full moon."

"Do we even know anyone that's still a virgin?"

"Just Dawn, I hope."

"She better be. Can we just have her pee in a jug and use that?"

"No, it's got to be really fresh if you take my meaning."

"You haven't told Dawn this have you?"

"No and I'd like to help you out here. I mean, water sports aren't my usual turn on but for you I'd..."

"Thank you, I think. When's the next full moon anyhow?"

"Day after tomorrow, Saturday night."

"I think I'm starting to get a plan. Go buy a couple of six pacnd pnd put them in the fridge. If Dawn asks, tell her they're for Spike."

"What are you thinking, Buffy? You can't get her drunk and what if she freaks?"

"Leave that to me, okay?"

***********************

"Dawn, you're going to be starting college in a few weeks. So, as Willow and I are still your legal guardians until then, we've decided to see how adult you can act while faced with all the temptations that you'll run into on campus."

"I'm still a virgin if that's what you're hinting at."

"Well, that's good and we're proud of you for that. What we were thinking about wasn't the temptation of sex but the temptation of alcohol."

"Not a problem there. I don't even like the smell of booze and I've seen what it can do to some of my idiot classmates. Becky barfed all over Josie's livingroom a couple of weeks ago when they threw a party when Josie's folks were out of town. It was gross and smelled terrible, almost as bad as you. When are you going to find a fix for yourself anyhow?"

"Sooner than you think. Anyway, Willow and I would like to try an experiment. We want to see how you handle alcohol in a controlled situation. We want you to have a few beers here at home so we can judge your reaction."

"Buffy, have you gone insane from the stench? You've treated me like a three year old for years and now you want me to get drunk at home?"

"That's the idea. Willow will be here, too. I know this sounds strange but it will be a learning experience for all of us. Besides, think of it as a rite of passage into adulthood. If you don't like the effects, you can avoid all the drinking situations you'll run into at school."

***********************

"Willow, has Buffy lost her mind entirely? Do you know what she wants me to do?"

"Did she tell you everything?"

"Just that you two want to see what happens when I've had a few beers. I can tell you already, I'll get sloppy and blow my beets. What're you planning to do, take pictures of me for blackmail?"

"Mmmm, no. And, I promise not to take advantage of you should you lose your inhibitions. Buffy would rip me a new one if I did."

"Damn, I was hoping maybe something cool would happen if we all got sloshed together."

"Believe me, that's the last thing on our minds right now. Besides, Buffy needs to take her mind off being a social pariah."

"Well, if you think this is something I should learn about, then okay. At worst, I'll have the weekend to recover. Have you made any progress on destinking Buffy?"

"We've got a few ideas. Hopefully, we'll have everything back to normal soon."

******************

"Let's do this in the back yard. The weather is perfect and there's a full moon so there's plenty of natural light."

"And a breeze that will blow some of the Buffy stench somewhere else."

"Thank you, Dawn. As I was saying, if there's any accidents then we won't have to clean the rugs afterwards."

"Just how smashed are you planning to get her," whispered Willow.

"Enough so that she won't make it to the bathroom. I hoping she'll get sloppy enough that she won't mind when we start undressing. Do you think you can hold her up?"

"If worse comes to worst, I can try and float her."

"What are you two plotting over there? I thought this was supposed to be a fun learning experience."

"We were discussing whether you should start with a wheat beer or a pale ale. Willow got a variety pack with several different types of beer. They all taste different and they're much better than those mass produced cans of swill that's marketed as beer."

"Let me try the wheat beer first." Dawn twisted the cap off and took a couple of long swigs. "That actually tastes good," and proceeded to take another long sip.

Buffy opted for a pale ale, Willow opened a lager. "The history of beer goes back to ancient times," explained Willow. "Of course, the stuff that was brewed in olden times was much cruder than what's made today. Drink up, Dawnie. We've got several more we'd like you to try."

"Sure," said Dawn as she drained the last of the first beer. She belched loudly and smiled, "what's next on the tasting menu?"

"Well, there's a Belgian lambic which is made with a natural yeast and cranberries for flavoring or you can try this English stout."

"Let me try the lambic." She took a tentitive taste and smiled, "that's great. Nice fruity flavor and a bit of an aftertaste." She up ended the bottle and drank down half of it.

"So, how are you feeling? The world starting to spin?" asked Buffy as she finished her first and reached for a pilsner.

"I feel fine. I don't know why, but you don't seem to smell as bad as before. I guess being trapped in the house with you really magnifies the odor."

Buffy belched quietly, "thank you. How are you doing, Willow?"

"I think I'll try the lambic. Dawn, you want to move on to the stout or perhaps a porter? The English may not know how to cook food but they sure know their way around a brewery."

"Wha's a porter like?" slurred Dawn.

"It's a dark brew and doesn't taste like beer, kind of on the sweet side."

"Great, passh it over." She held out her second empty to Buffy and let go of it before Buffy could grab it.

Willow opened the porter for her and put it in her hand. "Now just sip this one and appreciate the flavor. Besides, Buffy and I need to catch up, we're still on our second.

Buffy leaned back on her elbows, "gosh that breeze feels nice. Almost makes me forget I can't stand the smell of myself."

Willow giggled and belched. "Now I know why guys belch so loudly."

"Why'sh tha', urp, that?"

"They get half in the tank and think it's a mating call."

Dawn fell on her back and laughed until she belched loudly at which point she laughed even louder. "Shhhh, I don't want to dishturb the neighbors. I'm feeling real good, you know that Willow?"

"I'm sure you do. Now drink up that porter."

"Sure, then what are you going to do, take advantage of me?"

Willow turned a deep shade of red and Buffy just laughed. "I know," suggested Buffy. "It's starting to feel really warm. Why don't we take off some of these clothes? No-one will see us back here." She pulled off her t-shirt and began to slip off her jeans. "Come on Wills, I thought you liked to see me undressed."

Willow was a little slow on picking up her cue as she was staring at Buffy wearing only a bra and panties. "Oh, unhh, yeah, sure. Why not. Come on, Dawnie. Let's shed some of these clothes."

Dawn smiled at the half dressed girls in front of her, "shounds great, braaaak, Willow. Serves the neighbors right for watching us haff fun. You know, this beer tashtin' ish pretty good." She started to struggle with her t-shirt but got tangled in it.

"Would you like Willow to help you? Willow, help Dawn take her closshes off."

"But, but, but,...."

Buffy giggled uncontrolably, "there you go making that boat motor sound. Don't be shy, Willow, help the poor girl.

Willow crawled around back of Dawn and pulled the t-shirt free. "Tha'sh better. Now I can see again, I jus' wish my nose was blind. You gonna help me take the reshht off? I wanna eshpresh myshelf."

Willow was now almost in a panic and Buffy's hysterical laughter wasn't helping her keep control. "Keep it up, shlayer, 'caush you're next."

"Thash, what I wanted to hear. I always wondered what it would take for you to take advantage of me."

Dawn was now completely undressed and began to crawl towards the cooler with the beer. "What haven't I tried yet?" She reached in and pulled out another bottle.

"What ya got, Dawnie?" inquired Buffy as she finished taking off her underwear.

"It's, umm, green," she replied as she upended the bottle.

"Come on, Wills, join the party. We can't have you wearing any clothes while we the resht of ush are naked."

Willow was hoping to remain the designated sane person but the sight of the two naked women was too much for her to ignore. "Sure, why not. None of us is going to remember this in the morning, I hope. Slayer, I don't want to be held responsible for any actions I may take, okay?"

"Sure thing, Wills. How you doin', Dawn?"

"I think I gotta pee." She attempted to stand but only succeeded in falling forward onto Buffy and started to giggle. "I don't think, I can make it to the baaath, broooaaack, baffroom."

Willow took this as her cue and helped Dawn to stand. She got her upright on her feet and was holding her tightly with her arms around her. "I'll give you ten minutes to stop that. You can cop a feel if you wanna. I won't mind." With this she passed out in Willow's arms.

"Buffy, you gotta help me here. She's like hog upg up a sack of wet cement."

"Hold on for just a sec." Buffy knelt in front of the half conscious Dawn. She took two fingers and gave Dawn a sharp blow to the lower abdomen. Dawn started pissing immediately and Buffy made sure that she was in the stream of warm water issuing from Dawn. Buffy was completely soaked by the time Dawn's bladder emptied and made certain that no spot on her body was missed.

Willow gently lowered Dawn to the ground and looked at the dripping wet slayer. "Oh goddess, help me make it though the next few minutes."

Dawn came to suddenly and looked at Buffy. "Who rained on your parade?" was all she got out before passing out again.

"You know, Wills, I think it worked. I don't smell me as much as I smelled before."

"What about Dawn?"

Buffy looked at her quizically, "she's no fun, she fell right over."

"Goddess, help me. Just stay there, Buffy, while I get the hose. After I get you rinsed off, go take a bath and I'll try and carry Dawn in. I just hope she doesn't spew once I get her in."

Willow hosed off Buffy who again screamed when the cold water hit her. She gave the unconscious Dawn a blast from the hose as Buffy staggered towards the house. "What'd you do that for? Buffy's the one who shtinks."

"Sober up, Dawnie. Party's over. Do you think you can walk or do you want me to carry you in?"

"You can leave me here and play with me, I don't mind. I've been hoping for you to play with me for months, Willow."

Willow was about to reply when she heard clapping and laughing coming from the dark end of the yard. "Bloody marvelous, Red. I haven't seen a better imitation of the Three Stooges in ages. I wish I'd brought a camera, the look on your face is priceless."

"Spike, if you come any closer, I'll stake you myself."

"Now, now, I was the one who gave you the formula for destinking the slayer. Have some respect, if it wasn't for me you'd be stuck living with a smelly slayer for months if not years."

"Make yourself useful somewhere else, Spike. I can take care of Dawn all by myself."

"Thash right, I'm for Willow only. She can take care of what I need. Right, Willow?"

"Dawn, hush. Spike, get lost."

"What, you've got ideas about Dawn, don't you?"

"No I don't," protested Willow.

"Yesh you do," said Dawn laying on her back with her spr spread. "I want you to have ideas about me."

"Dawn, shut your yap before I tie you up and gag you. Spike, you are so going to get it if you don't leave now."

"You can tie me up and gag me anytime, Willow. I like you having ideas about me."

"Okay, Lil Bit," said Spike as he casually strolled over and picked up Dawn, "let's get you inside and into bed. Red, go check on Buffy. At this point, Dawn is safer in my hands than she is in yours. She really wants you to jump her bones."

Dawn was waving her hands and giggling as Spike effortlessly picked her up and started towards the house with Willow at his heels. "If Buffy knew you were here and saw the whole thing, she'd stake both of us."

"No she won't, I'll tell her that I wouldn't put out for Spike until I put out for Willow. Let Buffy put out for Spike first." Dawn continued to babble as Spike just smiled and carried her in the door. It wasn't until they got Dawn into her bed that Willow realized that she was still naked and Spike was staring at her.

"You actually look quite stunning without clothes, Red. It's a shame you don't swing both ways, I'd love to give you a tumble."

"Spike!"

"Can't a gentleman give you a compliment?"

"You're no gentleman."

"And you're no lady. Getting a poor innocent girl drunk and having her piss all over her sister."

"If you don't mind leaving, Spike, I'd like to check on Buffy. I sort of trust you but I don't trust Dawn in her condition and...."

"You don't trust yourself in your condition. No problem, I'll drop by tomorrow and see what damage control needs to be taken. Oh, and keep your hands off the slayer. You get her started and she can do serious damage."

"Spike, please. My head is killing me and I've got to get cleaned up."

"Willow," yelled Buffy, "if you need to get cleaned up, I've got a tub full of hot water. I promise not to get out of control."

"As soon as I get Dawn tucked in," she yelled back in response. "Goodnight, Spike."

"Nighty night Schpike, I'm for Willow tonight," added Dawn and she started giggling all over again.

Willow turned out the light and pushed Spike towards the door, "will you leave now or do I have to do my teleportation spell on you and send you far away."

"Okay, give my regards to the slayer and don't do anything I wouldn't do."

"Do I look like I could do some of the things you do?"

Spike gave the naked Willow another head to toe inspection, "no, I don't think you're properly equiped."

"Out!"

"Willow, the water's getting cold and I'm hot."

"Goddess, the things I do to help keep the world safe," she muttered as she entered the bathroom and closed the door behind her.

********************

The next morning Willow woke up in her bed and found Buffy draped over her. "I hope we enjoyed ourselves," she murmured to herself. "Goddess, my head is killing me. Buffy, wake up." She began shaking Buffy lightly.

"What? You want to do it again? If my head didn't hurt so much, I would."

"Huh? We didn't, did we?"

"Oh yeah. You don't remember me tossing you over my shoulder?"

"The last thing I remember was getting in the tub. Do you remember Dawn trying to get me to take advantage of her?"

"No, but that's just like her. Trying to borrow my stuff before I've had a chance at it."

"Somebody tell me this is all a bad dream. Let me up so I can get us some aspirin and check on Dawn."

"I heard her get up a while ago and run to the bathroom. She called Ralph a few times then took a shower. I wonder if she remembers anything."

"If the gods are merciful, she won't."

There was a knock on the door and Dawn asked, "okay if I come in or are you two sex maniacs going at it again?" A naked Dawn walked in and glared at the two naked girls entwined in each others arms. "Are you two going to start without me again?"

THE END